#bad vibes

13.10.21

Took me almost 10 minutes to find the stairs out of this building, the one way signs 100% just lead you round in circles. Renaissance Literature had some bad vibes in the air, but I can’t work out why. Have some notes I made though, and then captured whilst in Latin :)) Also, the entire time I was just thinking “this is classical reception” and now I no longer have an urge to change to English permanently.

me in the midst of all the wrong decisions that I have made consciously

As a fair warning to everyone listening to this song
I advise you to not hide your feelings
Don’t pretend to be okay when you’re not okay
Don’t pretend to be happy when you’re sad
It’ll only lead to your misery

Dont you fucking hate it when you hear my name?
I feel the same and when you hear this you gon feel the pain
And all these niggas that you fuckin with get away
But girl I know you think about it almost everyday
And I’ll be honest I be jealous of these niggas, true
How you feelin with these niggas that you talk to?
Captivated by your mind and your walk too
Can’t replace you with these bitches that I talk to
They say “lust is love” we had trust, what’s good?
I should’ve held you close
Should’ve kept you warm
And when the rain is fallin, wonder who you call
Dont pray to god, you rather drive your car
Dont talk
Pretend it don’t hurt
Repent, I won’t stomp, my feet in a rage
My nigga I’m no chump
This issue is I crave you, hate you
You think I rip the wings off of my fuckin angel
It don’t hurt, damn

I’ll forever be the, i’ll forever be the elephant in the room
I’ll always love you, i’m sorry

so, i’m not normally inclined to write a post like this, but i’m feeling really…off. i’ve always had this “natural intuition,” but as each year passes it seems to fade. it’s hard to distinguish between my “intuition” and my paranoia that accompanies the illnesses i have. i’ve gotten better at keeping the two apart—at least, most of the time. the two do feel different enough that, although dealing with paranoia is never fun, i can usually work through it and tell myself, “these things aren’t really happening. this fear is irrational.” 

last night, though was…honestly terrifying. on saturday, february 25, i began having a severe amount of pain. this isn’t strange in and of itself—i’ve been diagnosed with fibromyalgia, so i figured it was just an extraordinarily intense flareup. by the end of the night, i was literally writhing in pain, and somewhere in this fog, i thought, “this isn’t right.” i had visited a metaphysical convention earlier that day and i literally wondered if maybe one of the psychics i didn’t get a reading from was pissed at me or something. (she was really pushy, i got a weird vibe from her, and i couldn’t afford the 80 dollar reading.) immediately, i started telling myself i was just being paranoid.

fast forward to the evening of sunday, february 26. i was doing some homework, but it was getting late and i decided to go to bed. out of nowhere, i was hit with this overpowering feeling of badness. wrongness. something was fucking wrong. i pushed it out of my mind and went into my bedroom. the feeling persisted. i didn’t feel safe…i felt something enter my apartment. it was just this giant, black shape. i felt it hanging over me in the bedroom, and i just lost it. i ran into the bathroom and it followed me, hovering over my right shoulder. i kept telling myself that this was just some sort of symptom, but i hadn’t felt this much terror in years. i wanted to believe it was irrational, i was too stressed from school, this feeling of being watched is, no, not a good thing, not “normal,” but something i’ve dealt with throughout my life because of ptsd. but i couldn’t ignore it. this was different. 

i finally told my partner that something was up—we needed to cleanse the space now. he grabbed the sage and i hurriedly threw together a satchel of lavender, a bay leaf, and an amethyst, and just closed my eyes and held it for a bit until i felt more calm. however, i immediately had another barrage of negativity, feeling guilty that i wasn’t “good enough,” i wasn’t a real witch, i was pathetic and could never be “whole” because of chronic illness: just every goddamn bad feeling and thought was being thrown at me. it’s something i’m used to, but not to this degree. this was amplified, like someone or something was preying on all my weaknesses and using them against me. it honestly felt like a straight up attack.

i went to bed not knowing if i was having some sort of “episode,” or if something more sinister was actually happening. in the morning i read on facebook that several of my friends had also had uncharacteristically harrowing experiences sunday night. i got to school and only two other students showed up for class—my prof said that someone had gotten into a car accident last night, several students had fallen ill, basically every single person in the class had emailed him sunday evening and said something really bad had suddenly happened. 

he cancelled class, and i drove home wondering if all of these things were just “coincidences,” my brain simply trying to draw correlations between my experience and what had apparently been some horrible experiences of a ton of other people over the weekend. maybe all these other students just needed an excuse to skip class. i don’t know.

other mentally ill witches, empaths, psychics, anyone who might have an idea what is going on, or otherwise not feel as completely drained as i do right now and have an open window into reading the situation—what do you think? this little seed of what i think is intuition is telling me that there was just a monstrously huge decision made that’s going to impact all of our lives. did anyone else have a scary experience over the weekend, or feel overwhelmed by impending, negative energy? is this all in my head? if anyone believes they may have some insight into this, feel free to reply to this post, send me a message on tumblr, or even email me at [email protected](for some reason i don’t always get notifications for the messages i receive on here).       

sorry for the long post, i felt i needed to share and i’m seriously worried (for anyone thinking this is strictly a mental health problem, i do have an appointment with my therapist today. she knows i’m a witch and i plan on telling her about this weekend). but does anyone know what’s going on?       

yeah, it really does!

Happy birthday my dear,

Miss you so much.

You continue to live within us with your music…

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