#being ordered around

Note: I know this is a month late. Sorry! I’m working on catching up, but I’ve been so busy at work and socially.

I had plans to grab dinner with MLAM and Reaction Junkie before the Tuesday happy hour. MLAM and I were to meet about an hour before Reaction Junkie would show up, and have a little time to walk around and catch up one on one. As I rode the train to meet MLAM, I started feeling very nervcited. I hadn’t seen him in months, and we hadn’t talked much lately. When the train stopped, I walked slowly over to the escalator and took a deep breath before getting on. I looked around as I rode up, wanting to spot MLAM. I stepped off, turned, and saw him. I gave him a big hug and he picked me up, grinning. I felt my feet brush against someone and I turned around to see Reaction Junkie. I squeaked, happy to see him, and gave him a big hug as well. I was glad he was there because I love spending time with him, but I was also a little disappointed not to have any time one-on-one with MLAM.

I introduced the two men, both of whom have been major parts of my life, and we started walking. They’re both the bizarre kind of human being who is completely devoid of social anxiety, so they immediately began conversing. I joined in, as well, and we walked to the vegan restaurant for dinner. While we were there, the two men were both being dommy and mean, telling me to do things hurting me subtly , teasing me. They were basically co-domming me. It was a heady experience, feeling submissive towards and dominated by two people at once. I’m not sure if I was having a total blast or was completely miserable. (And of course that’s a lie. It’s obviously the former.)

After we finished eating, we headed to happy hour. I have to admit I was still feeling rather nervous. That resulted in me acting out a bit with Reaction Junkie. I tried to play it like it was me being toppy, but it was really something of a performance. As we walked, Reaction Junkie called me out on my nervous behavior and I worked to reign it in. Reaction Junkie had originally been planning to skip happy hour and go to a meeting, but he didn’t feel well, so he stayed. When happy hour began, I talked with people, introducing MLAM to some of my friends and other partners, but I tried not to be all over him because I wanted to let him do his thing or be too clingy. Looking back, that was silly. We hadn’t seen each other in months, so of course it would have been fine for me to glom on the whole night.

I spent some time in a lovely little cuddle pile with Anderson Cooper, Kitten, Reaction Junkie, and someone else I didn’t really know. The whole time, however, I was watching MLAM out of the corner of my eye, wondering when it would be appropriate to grab him and go upstairs for some time with him in a play-friendly setting. Finally, I decided I didn’t want to wait any longer, and I sidled up and asked him if he wanted to go up with me. He did, and we headed up.

As soon as we got upstairs and I put my things down, he grabbed my hair and led me around the space. He told me to put my glasses in my bag and dragged me back towards it. I asked what he wanted me to take off, but he said he’d take off what he wanted off. I like that answer. I certainly don’t mind when people I play with allow me to take off what I want, and when I’m just beginning to play with someone, that’s the proper way to go about it, in my opinion. But having him tell me that he’d do it, and knowing that I’d take off what he told me to. Mmph. It’s the little things, and he’s very good at those small details, creating and solidifying the dynamic.

Next, he started leading me around my my nipple, which hurt like fuck. He pushed me down on one of the ottomans and I sat facing him, waiting expectantly. He began hitting my left leg a bunch, slapping my thigh repeatedly to warm up, and then hitting me harder. At one point, he stuck his hand in my face and instructed me to lick. I obeyed, although I wasn’t sure why he was doing that. Then, as he slapped my leg again with his wet hand, I remembered. It makes it hurt more because less gas is trapped between the hitter’s hand and the hittee’s body. (Or something physics-y like that. I think that’s right?) I’d forgotten that trick. He continued hurting me, and played with my mind, acting like he was going to hit me, then not, then going to hit me again, again not hitting me, finally hitting me, etc. By the end of the first round, I was shaking from the pain and the mental stress he was putting me under.

When we took a breather, I looked over my body and saw the marks already beginning to form. I asked MLAM if he would show Reaction Junkie how he did things, since he’s so good at leaving the kinds of marks I love. I almost didn’t ask because I didn’t want Reaction Junkie to feel like I was saying anything negative about him, but I know he’s not like that, so I did. They both stood over me. MLAM showed him things as they talked, Reaction Junkie tried them out, and they both mostly ignored me. It was objectifying and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

They both began hitting me. My legs were shaking and I was breathing fast as the two men beat my legs. When Reaction Junkie hit my right outer thigh, which he had destroyed the previous weekend, it overwhelmed me. I curled up around myself and had to take a break. Reaction Junkie got me some water and I caught my breath. When we resumed, I had one man on each leg, each hitting me and toying with me. MLAM showed how much he enjoys stressing people out psychologically with mindfuckery and headgames. It makes the pain worse with less effort from him. I lay back on the row of ottomans and closed my eyes. They were both beating me hard and fast, slapping and punching my thighs. I was shaking and groaning, struggling not to be too loud as I reveled in the sensations I was experiencing.

When there was a lull in the impact, MLAM asked me, “How do you feel about your ribcage?” I was confused for a moment, having gone into a headspace, but then agreed to having him hit me there. I lay down on the ottomans. MLAM started hitting my back, smacking down forcefully with open hands. It stung like fuck, and that mingled with the pain and fear and stress from when they were both hitting my legs. I started crying. I decided we should stop. Partially because I was about done, but more than that, because I don’t want to make people uncomfortable. This was a happy hour, not an official play party, and even if “light play” has no real meaning, I feel like someone crying could have been upsetting to someone in this non-play party context.

I cuddled and talked with MLAM for a little while after the scene was over. When I felt recovered, I got some water downstairs. When I went back up, MLAM was standing with a group of people that included Reaction Junkie. I went and stood by MLAM for a while, and I was thinking about joining Reaction Junkie when MLAM told me that if I wanted to go be by him, that was fine. I didn’t want to leave MLAM, but I also did feel the need to be by Reaction Junkie. So I cuddled up to him and spent the rest of the night talking to him and the rest of the group.

I had a great night, but MLAM apparently did not. He told me later that he felt like a third wheel, like he was intruding. That’s not at all how I felt about him being there. I didn’t realize he would feel that way at all. It didn’t even cross my mind. It likely would have been better if MLAM and I had had some time for just us before meeting up with Reaction Junkie. When I talked with Reaction Junkie about things the next day, he admitted that he had felt similarly, and had been trying to stay out of our way. I’d spent more of my concern about hurt feelings than necessary on Reaction Junkie, and not enough on MLAM. I regret not having alone time with MLAM first, and not spending more time with him at happy hour. Next time, I’ll do a better job of actually talking to people about how they want to interact in situations like that. I’m still very glad MLAM came to town, and the other two times we got together went much better. I do miss him, and I hope to get a chance to see him sometime in the near future.

A few days after Reaction Junkie and I had our conversation about d/s, we stopped at the grocery store on the way home from work. In the car, he had taken a  dominant tone with me, and he didn’t let a little thing like being in public prevent him from continuing. As we walked through the store, he kept grabbing me and whispering comments into my ear, reminding me of my place.

I was getting turned on by what he was doing and saying and Reaction Junkie could tell. He laughed at me a little, and asked if my cunt was clenching. He didn’t need to wait for my response to know the answer. Of course it was. I always get turned on when he exerts his dominance over me and reminds me that no matter what we do, at the end of the day, he owns me.

At one point, I knelt down to look at something on a bottom shelf. Reaction Junkie came over to stand next to me. He made some comment about me being on my knees, which obviously made me think about sucking his cock. Just as I was thinking that, he said, “Suck my cock.” I thought he meant over his clothes,   and when I started to stand up to continue shopping, he said, “Suck my cock.”

At first I thought he meant for me to put my mouth on his crotch over his clothes. The idea of doing that made me a little nervous, and more than a little excited. Being seen doing that probably wouldn’t land him, or even me, in any trouble, but I would probably be too mortified to go back. I was about to ask if that’s what he meant for me to do, thinking I would definitely do it, despite my worries about doing so in public.

Before I could say anything, however, Reaction Junkie added to his command, “Take it out.” That threw me, since I didn’t know whether or not he meant it. Actually having his cock out in public could potentially negatively affect him, not just me. If I hadn’t been concerned about what consequences he might face, I would have immediately grabbed his cock and started sucking. As it was, however, I started to stand, deciding that he wasn’t serious. The look on his face made me uncertain again.

I returned to my knees, then tried to get up again. I went back and forth between kneeling and standing multiple times, not knowing what the right thing to do was. I tried to figure out from his expression what he wanted, even tried to ask a question, but Reaction Junkie just looked entertained, and I couldn’t figure out what to ask. He even added to the mindfuck, instructing me to stand and then ordering me to suck his cock in quick succession.

Being ordered around and being fucked with had me turned on and subby. I wanted so badly to obey, but I had no idea what I was supposed to do. Reaction Junkie had broken my brain.

He laughed and made fun of me for being unable to decide if I should get up or stay down, telling me how I looked, confused and stuck half-way between standing and kneeling. Finally, he told me I should stand. We finished grocery shopping, and the whole time he kept whispering to me about what had just happned. My desire to do what he’d commanded, my uncertainty, and my vascillation between standing and kneeling.

The fact that I would have sucked his cock in the aisle of the grocery store proved that I will follow his orders even if it would make life difficult for me. And fucking with my mind demonstrated that it isn’t just my body he owns. My mind is also his to do with as he will. He’d given me a perfect reminder of where I really stand (or, in this case, kneel) in our relationship.

On Friday, I went over to Reaction Junkie’s place. We had been intending to top each other into doing writing we each needed to do, but I’d texted him during the day and asked if we could cuddle and watch something first because I was full of feelings. He’d agreed immediately, and when I got over there, I realized that he also was full of feelings. His were more immediate and, to be honest, more important and concerning than mine, which basically kicked me into a caregiving mode. We decided that the writing was not going to happen at this point, so we scrapped that plan and I cooked dinner for him. I made sauteed kale with peppers and tomatoes from my CSA, and refrigerated ravioli. I only gave him half of the pasta, which he later thanked me for, saying that if he’d been doing it, he’d have given himself the whole thing. I said, “I know.” Hee. I enjoy cooking for him and giving him healthy things and helping him make healthy choices.

Once I was done cooking and doing cleanup, Reaction Junkie snapped at me and pointed at the ground next to him, clearly telling me to kneel there. I hesitated for a moment, my right leg still sore from the previous week, but complied when he gave me a look. I cowered a little, expecting some sort of reprimand, and he asked if I’d considered the possibility that he wanted to praise me. He told me I was a “good girl,” which made me swoon a little, and thanked me for cooking for him. I really liked the snapping and making me kneel. It made me feel ordered around and controlled, which is one of my favorite things. Plus, the rudeness and somewhat degrading nature of snapping at someone to get them to come. And of course, I liked being praised. It’s always good to hear that I’m pleasing my owner and being useful in as many ways as I can be.

Besides making me eager to cook for him, being in caregiving mode made want to cheer him up. He was having some major sad feels (understatement), and I wanted to do what I could to make him feel better. I knew I couldn’t cure depression or anything, but I could at least get him smiling and feeling some more positive things to help chase away the bad things. I determined that, with my skill set, my best route to achieve this goal would be to turn my adorableness up to eleven. I’ve been doing this horse-like thing where I lip at his clothes, and it almost always elicits a smile, and usually a bit of a giggle from him. I started to do that in the dining room, and added a few more crittery things like licking him. Then, when we went to his room to get our cuddle on, I started being more and more animal-like. I was bouncing around and making cute noises, nuzzling him, pushing at his hand with my nose to try to get him to pet me and just generally being super extra adorbs.

He pointed out to me that animals don’t usually have nearly so many clothes as I was wearing, which was entirely accurate. I stripped down to my panties and hopped back into bed to continue playing. He was laying in the bed and I started pushing my head through a space between his arm and the bed to get up to his face. Instead, he squeezed me and held me in place, my head on one side of his arm, my body on another. He started talking, starting to tell me a story about me as an animal in the woods who sticks her head in a log and gets stuck. He continued, talking about me worrying about predators, wondering if every sound would be my demise. I actually started to get turned on. It was weirdly hot. My favorite kind of hot. Then it began to rain in the woods. I was getting into the story at this point, into a critterspace, and as he told me about the rain filling the log, I started to struggle against his arm. He held me in place, and continued the story. Finally, the critter me in the story escaped the log, but fell into a hole. As I struggled to climb out, RAWR a bear jumped on me, and, back in the bedroom, Reaction Junkie did the same. We rolled around laughing and happy and cuddled more.

He seemed much cheered up from the fun we were having. Something did happen later with his roommate that brought him back down, which sucked, but I was happy I got to make him feel happy for at least a while.

I wrote this up the day after it happened, and I like the title and the first part, so I’m leaving it, even though the “last night” in question happened weeks ago.

Last night, Reaction Junkie and I played like we haven’t in far too long. We were trying to be productive, and I asked him to order me around, if he was up for it. And boy, did he. He called me names, hit me, and reminded me of my place. I got much more done than I would have otherwise, and enjoyed doing it for more.

Later, when we were relaxing on the couch watching HIMYM in out underwear (that’s love), he started scratching my back. It felt good, so I asked him to keep doing it. When he continued, he started scratching deep and hard, which still felt good, but in a very different way. Next, he had me in my side and started hitting the back of my thigh. He punched and slapped, hitting me hard with both hands. I went to block once or twice, and he ordered me to keep my hands by my sides. I complied, although it was hard as I watched his hands slamming into me and felt the impact deep in my body. He threw in some elbowing and kneeing, and I relaxed and reveled in the pain.

After he stopped, we continued watching, and eventually he began rubbing my cunt. I closed my eyes and got into it. I got close to cumming a couple times, but kept getting distracted by the show. Eventually, I asked him to turn it off. Reaction Junkie shut off the tablet, and kept touching me. After a few minutes, he told me, “Crawl to the bedroom and use your vibrator to get yourself off.” I grinned, got off the couch, and crawled to the bedroom. Once there, I grabbed a vibrator and climbed into bed. I held it to my clit and started fantasizing.

Reaction Junkie joined me after a couple minutes. He lay next to me for a moment, watching me. Then he got on top of me. Next thing I knew, there was a hand over my mouth, holding my nose shut and cutting off my air. I struggled, a futile action, of course, and when he finally allowed me to breathe again, I gasped for air. When he put his hand around my neck and squeezed, I felt my consciousness drift a little and the edges of my vision start to grey. Reaction Junkie let go well before I was close to going out, but even that little bit gave me a rush.

Intermixed with the breathplay and choking, Reaction Junkie lobbed insults at me and growled threats in my ear. He used his hands to hurt me. He hit me, of course, but he also found just the right places to press in and make me grit my teeth and groan. I’d missed the rush of this kind of spontaneous degradation, fear, and pain. I was so turned on by everything being inflicted on me that my pain tolerance shot through the roof. When Reaction Junkie leaned over and dug his teeth into my arm, I moaned and savored the deep pain that resulted. When he let up with the bite, he quickly followed up by punching the exact spot he’d just released. I yelped, and when he started squeezing the area, I sucked in my breath at the building agony.

As he was doing all this to me, I continued to press the vibrator against my clit. I had started out this masturbation session by fantasizing. When Reaction Junkie came in, I’d been distracted from my fantasy. But I soon found I didn’t need it. Normally I have to fantasize pretty hard, and it can be quite a bit of work for me. This time, though, I didn’t have to put in much of my own work to get off. I sunk in to the experience, the fear, the feeling of his weight on me, the pain, the words he was saying to me. And I came, capping off an unexpectedly wonderful evening with an orgasm.