This weekend was complicated and difficult and fun. I learned a lot about myself, picked up a couple new tricks, and cried a lot, not all for fun reasons.

I discovered that yep, poly is hard, and apparently I have some hangups about sex that I wasn’t fully aware of. I feel better about things than I did, but I’m not over it by any means. I have jealousy to work on, and, according to one thing Reaction Junkie lobbed at me, I’m codependent. He didn’t mean it in a cute way, either. He’s probably right. I do tend to get attached and needy. I thought he was somewhat similar, and he may be, but not to the same extent. Or something. I don’t know. I’m going to talk to him about it, but since I’m vomiting feelings here anyway, I thought I’d write that down before I forgot.

I have a rule that I want to put in place, but Reaction Junkie most likely isn’t okay with it. We set up a modified version, but I’m not sure it’s enough. We’ve talked a lot about it, and the accute upset feelings are gone, but I’ve still got lots of feelings bubbling under the surface. They’re coming out as I write this, as in I’m starting to cry after finally goring for more than an hour or so without doing so and I am concerned about getting passive aggressive in what I’m writing, so I’m going to stop.

I had some fun scenes with Reaction Junkie, had some one on one time with Anderson Cooper, and got to actually meet nankingdecade and had an awesome scene with him, but it’s going on take a while to fully process all the emotional stuff so I don’t know when, or even, to be honest, if I’ll be able to write up much.

Yesterday I saw The Violinist. I went over to his place with the invitation to come over and “talk about things.” I correctly interpreted that as a desire to DTR, which I wanted to do, as well. When I got there, I stripped, per his rules for me, and we lay in bed for a while. Before we could talk, however, we needed to do a few things. He’d been out of town for a couple weeks, so we had to give each other a proper hello.

He hit me, bit me, scratched me and hurt me. I yelped, whimpered, squeaked, and made other delightful pain noises. He’s totally a sadist, which makes me eager to suffer for his pleasure. When he pushed his cock into me, the pain didn’t stop. He continued to hurt me as he fucked me hard. He pushed his fingers hard into my armpits, and the uncomfortable and painful sensation eventually caused me to struggle away. I took a few breaths and turned over onto my knees, which is a position I know he enjoys. He fucked me from behind until he came, slamming into my cunt and making me wince.

He collapsed onto my back, and I collapsed onto the bed. When we recovered enough to cuddle, I asked him if I could get off. He agreed, and I rubbed my clit and fantasized while he hurt and choked me. I came, shuddering and gasping, and lay back, spent. He instructed me that the next time, I was to ask permission right before I got off, and I smiled at the addition of another rule. We showered and headed back to bed to cuddle.

We talked about what our relationship is and what words we’re comfortable using (we’re dating and “partners” works). We made plans to spend more time together outside of kink events and happy hours and talked about what kind of kink relationship we want to develop. Both of us love d/s, and I’m excited to see where that dynamic goes. I asked about honorifics, and he had an interesting response. He likes having his name used. I was somewhat put out at first (I really like the term “Sir”), but when he explained his reasoning, I got into the idea. It’s something you can use in any context and around any people. Besides that, using someone’s name lets them know that you are thinking specifically about them. We also talked about jealousy and discussed how very important we both consider communication to be.

I left his place feeling de-stressed, happy, and ready for bed. Today I had to wear a high necked shirt and put makeup on my neck because he left a bite mark there. I also can’t take off my sweatshirt at work because he darkened the bruises that were there already and left me new scratch marks. DTRing can be fun!

Part 6

When I woke up from my nap, I felt less tired, but still kind of down. I looked around the room and saw Reaction Junkie. I decided I should go join the group he was talking to and cuddle up to him, thinking that was likely to make me feel better. I walked up and leaned into him. We greeted each other and he returned to what he had been saying while I sleepily cuddled him. As I listened to the conversation, I started to feel better.

When there was a break in the conversation, I told Reaction Junkie about my scene, which he’d already heard about from The Unknown Quantity. I also shared how I’d started to feel super tired and kind of down afterwards. He seemed concerned and asked if I needed to leave. I definitely didn’t, but it was nice to feel cared for like that. I was feeling a bit better after I talked about it, and I started to get more involved with the conversation.

While we were talking, Reaction Junkie grabbed me somewhere, and I saucily told him, “That’s not where it hurts.” The Unknown Quantity had clearly told him about the intense thigh slapping and how sensitive I was, because he grabbed my left inner thigh. I yelped and he picked up my leg, throwing me off balance. I grabbed onto him with both hands to avoid falling. He pulled my left leg up far enough that the position forced me to stand on tiptoe on my left foot. The pain and the control he was exerting over me started bringing me out of my low mood, and as we continued to play, I came out of it completely.

As we played and he hurt me, we talked. I brought up something I’d been thinking about for a few days. I’d had some feelings (read: twinges of jealousy) when I watched him playing with Legal Lolita on Wednesday. Part of the reason was that I wasn’t doing my normal logic-based countering of those feelings, but when I thought about them some more, I realized I had felt the most bothered when they were kissing. I’m not big on kissing with the majority of people, for a number of reasons, but I very much like kissing Reaction Junkie. For example, the other weekend, just as I got out of my car to head to his vanilla friends’ party, he pushed me up against the side of the car and kissed me enthusiastically. It was dominant and passionate and I just about melted.

I’d realized most of what had made me uncomfortable about watching the scene he had with Legal Lolita was the kissing part, and that those feelings stemmed from the fact that I feel like he and I don’t kiss enough. Instead of bottling it up or trying to subtly encourage him to kiss me more, like I might have once done, I decided to just tell him I wanted to kiss more. So, while he was grabbing my bruised inner thigh, I said, “I like kissing you and we should do it more.” I was nervous when I said that, so when he responded that he also like kissing me and that “we don’t kiss enough,” I was relieved. “Kiss me,” he ordered. I smiled at him and obeyed. He repeated this command throughout the night, which was incredibly sexy for multiple reasons, and made me feel warm and fuzzy in all the best ways.

The group decided to sit down and Reaction Junkie chose a high chair. He pulled me to him so that I was between his legs and continued squeezing my thigh and hurting me. Eventually he said, “Get a coil of rope out of my bag.” I did as I was told and handed it to him. He tied it tight around my upper left thigh and pulled it taught around the arm of the chair. I enjoyed the pain this caused, but what I didn’t realize was that he had more than one reason for doing it. Not only did it make it easy for him to hurt me, it left him with his hands more free to do other things.

He started punching and slapping my tits, focusing on the right one. I’d told The Unknown Quantity that I didn’t want him to punch my tits, but Reaction Junkie owns me, so he obviously has no restrictions on what he does to me. My body and mind belong to him, so he can do whatever he likes to me. He punched and punched, and I winced and yelped, fighting the urge to pull away. I lost that fight a couple of times, and because my left leg was still in the air, as I leaned back, I almost fell over. Reaction Junkie saved me each time, although it wasn’t entirely out of concern for me, since he grabbed my tit to pull me back towards him. At the same time he was pummeling my tit, he was pulling the leg rope tight, hurting me multiple ways at once. As he watched my pained and pleasured reaction to the treatment, he grinned at me and said, “Oh, I like you.”

Eventually, as the breath was knocked out of me with a punch, I felt like I was getting close to a limit of what I could take from being punched. I asked him if he would please switch to only slapping. He opened his hand and brought it down super hard on my tit. “Like this?” he asked. I said yes, because, although it hurt, the pain was much less concentrated than with the fist, and I felt like I could handle much more of it. Reaction Junkie slapped and grabbed and squeezed and pulled my breast tissue away from by body, and I trembled with the effort it took to handle the pain, and because my cunt was soaking. I was happy and smiling and, at the same time, grimacing, moaning, and groaning at the suffering Reaction Junkie was causing.

When I felt my tits, the right one (the one he was hitting) felt full of blood. I thought it was pretty likely that I would get a nice big bruise, à la MLAM. Unfortunately, I was wrong. Next time, I’ll have to be a brave little cunt and be better at handling more. I want to be black and blue and red all over from Reaction Junkie. I love the reminders of who my body belongs to and what it’s for.

The party ended and a group of us, including Reaction Junkie, The Unknown Quantity, and me, left the play space and headed to get food at a diner. There were actually some decent vegan options, and I ate my mac ‘n cheese and chicken fried seitan while chatting with people. We were all happy and laughing, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

Reaction Junkie and I got dropped off back at his place, and we headed inside. We had to play with the kitten for a while (poor us, tossed right in that briar patch), since she was full of energy and needed to be tired out. Eventually he and I both fell asleep. I woke up several times in the night with the kitten running around the bed or climbing on me, her little claws digging into sensitive skin, including my tits. Finally she tired out and fell asleep, purring, in the crook of my arm. I finished a lovely day by cuddling up and sleeping with two adorable, wonderful creatures.

Part 3

In the morning, The Violinist and I both slowly woke up. I rolled over and gave him a good morning kiss. In return, he grabbed me and started hurting me. Sigh. How do I find such lovely men? He started punching my inner right thigh, working to “even out” the two sides of my body. I realized I had my mean paddle in my purse, so of course I told him. He pushed me towards my bag, telling me to retrieve it. I grabbed it and handed it to him. Next thing I knew, I was on my back and he was smacking my leg with the paddle. I fought not to make too much noise and grabbed a pillow to help me stay still. As he repeatedly hit my leg, I bit down on the pillow to stop myself from screaming.

When he finally stopped smacking my thigh, I needed a moment to catch my breath. He looked down at me, taking in my reactions to the treatment he was doling out, and grinned at me with a sadist’s grin. He leaned down and very lightly bit the bruise on my left inner arm that was the result of The Unknown Quantity’s rope. I yelped and pushed him away. I said, “Ouch! That really hurt. A lot.” He just laughed and hurt me some more.

All of my suffering was turning him on a lot. He grabbed a condom and started fucking me. I started rubbing my clit while he used my cunt. I don’t normally get off during piv for a number of reasons, but I thought it might be possible. Then he started making those kissing noises at me, instructing me to reach up and kiss him. This time, however, he was entirely out of reach. I whined at him and he told me to pick between kissing him and an orgasm. I responded, “A kiss!” and he let me reach up and grab his hair and pull him to me. I don’t regret that decision. I’m always really happy to find someone I actually enjoy making out with.

He motioned for me to assume the position, and I turned over, head down, ass up. Although he’d fucked me like that before, this time he took advantage of his knowledge that when he thrusts deep, it hurts. He fucked me so hard from behind and slammed into my cunt so deep that I actually pulled away a couple times. Each time I pulled away, I moved back, of course, because I know my place. I cried out and trembled, trying to handle his cock and not move. When he came, he came hard, making sexy noises and collapsing on top of me. I know he came hard because when he got up to deal with the condom, he couldn’t walk straight and almost tripped. Hee hee.

We cuddled and talked for a good while after that. He asked what I was doing after the next happy hour. I said I might be able to have him over, but I wasn’t sure. I do like this guy quite a bit, but I was, to be honest, leaving my night open for Reaction Junkie. I enjoyed The Violinist’s conversation and company a great deal, and I’m looking forward to getting to know him better and connect with him more. He’s mean and I like it. Eventually it was time to go, and he sent me off to see my parents covered in bruises I had to hide or brush off and feeling satisfied and happy.

Note: I know this is a month late. Sorry! I’m working on catching up, but I’ve been so busy at work and socially.

I had plans to grab dinner with MLAM and Reaction Junkie before the Tuesday happy hour. MLAM and I were to meet about an hour before Reaction Junkie would show up, and have a little time to walk around and catch up one on one. As I rode the train to meet MLAM, I started feeling very nervcited. I hadn’t seen him in months, and we hadn’t talked much lately. When the train stopped, I walked slowly over to the escalator and took a deep breath before getting on. I looked around as I rode up, wanting to spot MLAM. I stepped off, turned, and saw him. I gave him a big hug and he picked me up, grinning. I felt my feet brush against someone and I turned around to see Reaction Junkie. I squeaked, happy to see him, and gave him a big hug as well. I was glad he was there because I love spending time with him, but I was also a little disappointed not to have any time one-on-one with MLAM.

I introduced the two men, both of whom have been major parts of my life, and we started walking. They’re both the bizarre kind of human being who is completely devoid of social anxiety, so they immediately began conversing. I joined in, as well, and we walked to the vegan restaurant for dinner. While we were there, the two men were both being dommy and mean, telling me to do things hurting me subtly , teasing me. They were basically co-domming me. It was a heady experience, feeling submissive towards and dominated by two people at once. I’m not sure if I was having a total blast or was completely miserable. (And of course that’s a lie. It’s obviously the former.)

After we finished eating, we headed to happy hour. I have to admit I was still feeling rather nervous. That resulted in me acting out a bit with Reaction Junkie. I tried to play it like it was me being toppy, but it was really something of a performance. As we walked, Reaction Junkie called me out on my nervous behavior and I worked to reign it in. Reaction Junkie had originally been planning to skip happy hour and go to a meeting, but he didn’t feel well, so he stayed. When happy hour began, I talked with people, introducing MLAM to some of my friends and other partners, but I tried not to be all over him because I wanted to let him do his thing or be too clingy. Looking back, that was silly. We hadn’t seen each other in months, so of course it would have been fine for me to glom on the whole night.

I spent some time in a lovely little cuddle pile with Anderson Cooper, Kitten, Reaction Junkie, and someone else I didn’t really know. The whole time, however, I was watching MLAM out of the corner of my eye, wondering when it would be appropriate to grab him and go upstairs for some time with him in a play-friendly setting. Finally, I decided I didn’t want to wait any longer, and I sidled up and asked him if he wanted to go up with me. He did, and we headed up.

As soon as we got upstairs and I put my things down, he grabbed my hair and led me around the space. He told me to put my glasses in my bag and dragged me back towards it. I asked what he wanted me to take off, but he said he’d take off what he wanted off. I like that answer. I certainly don’t mind when people I play with allow me to take off what I want, and when I’m just beginning to play with someone, that’s the proper way to go about it, in my opinion. But having him tell me that he’d do it, and knowing that I’d take off what he told me to. Mmph. It’s the little things, and he’s very good at those small details, creating and solidifying the dynamic.

Next, he started leading me around my my nipple, which hurt like fuck. He pushed me down on one of the ottomans and I sat facing him, waiting expectantly. He began hitting my left leg a bunch, slapping my thigh repeatedly to warm up, and then hitting me harder. At one point, he stuck his hand in my face and instructed me to lick. I obeyed, although I wasn’t sure why he was doing that. Then, as he slapped my leg again with his wet hand, I remembered. It makes it hurt more because less gas is trapped between the hitter’s hand and the hittee’s body. (Or something physics-y like that. I think that’s right?) I’d forgotten that trick. He continued hurting me, and played with my mind, acting like he was going to hit me, then not, then going to hit me again, again not hitting me, finally hitting me, etc. By the end of the first round, I was shaking from the pain and the mental stress he was putting me under.

When we took a breather, I looked over my body and saw the marks already beginning to form. I asked MLAM if he would show Reaction Junkie how he did things, since he’s so good at leaving the kinds of marks I love. I almost didn’t ask because I didn’t want Reaction Junkie to feel like I was saying anything negative about him, but I know he’s not like that, so I did. They both stood over me. MLAM showed him things as they talked, Reaction Junkie tried them out, and they both mostly ignored me. It was objectifying and I thoroughly enjoyed it.

They both began hitting me. My legs were shaking and I was breathing fast as the two men beat my legs. When Reaction Junkie hit my right outer thigh, which he had destroyed the previous weekend, it overwhelmed me. I curled up around myself and had to take a break. Reaction Junkie got me some water and I caught my breath. When we resumed, I had one man on each leg, each hitting me and toying with me. MLAM showed how much he enjoys stressing people out psychologically with mindfuckery and headgames. It makes the pain worse with less effort from him. I lay back on the row of ottomans and closed my eyes. They were both beating me hard and fast, slapping and punching my thighs. I was shaking and groaning, struggling not to be too loud as I reveled in the sensations I was experiencing.

When there was a lull in the impact, MLAM asked me, “How do you feel about your ribcage?” I was confused for a moment, having gone into a headspace, but then agreed to having him hit me there. I lay down on the ottomans. MLAM started hitting my back, smacking down forcefully with open hands. It stung like fuck, and that mingled with the pain and fear and stress from when they were both hitting my legs. I started crying. I decided we should stop. Partially because I was about done, but more than that, because I don’t want to make people uncomfortable. This was a happy hour, not an official play party, and even if “light play” has no real meaning, I feel like someone crying could have been upsetting to someone in this non-play party context.

I cuddled and talked with MLAM for a little while after the scene was over. When I felt recovered, I got some water downstairs. When I went back up, MLAM was standing with a group of people that included Reaction Junkie. I went and stood by MLAM for a while, and I was thinking about joining Reaction Junkie when MLAM told me that if I wanted to go be by him, that was fine. I didn’t want to leave MLAM, but I also did feel the need to be by Reaction Junkie. So I cuddled up to him and spent the rest of the night talking to him and the rest of the group.

I had a great night, but MLAM apparently did not. He told me later that he felt like a third wheel, like he was intruding. That’s not at all how I felt about him being there. I didn’t realize he would feel that way at all. It didn’t even cross my mind. It likely would have been better if MLAM and I had had some time for just us before meeting up with Reaction Junkie. When I talked with Reaction Junkie about things the next day, he admitted that he had felt similarly, and had been trying to stay out of our way. I’d spent more of my concern about hurt feelings than necessary on Reaction Junkie, and not enough on MLAM. I regret not having alone time with MLAM first, and not spending more time with him at happy hour. Next time, I’ll do a better job of actually talking to people about how they want to interact in situations like that. I’m still very glad MLAM came to town, and the other two times we got together went much better. I do miss him, and I hope to get a chance to see him sometime in the near future.

Navel-gazing intensifies.

My roommate, Sunny, is dating/repeatedly hanging out with Boy Genius, The Unknown Quantity, and The Violinist.

First, I want to say that I’m happy for her that she has people. She has a lot of not great stuff in her life, so I’m glad that there are people she can spend time with and rely on.

But. I’m envious. Because she’s getting all of this play with different people, yes. But more than that, these are three people I used to have some sort of relationship with, either dating or play. And with each person, it ended because I wasn’t interested enough/didn’t give them enough priority, and not even necessarily out of an actual lack of interest, or at least not a long-lasting lack of interest.

Honestly, it was starting to date Reaction Junkie, combined with my spiral into depression, that ended each of those relationships. Plus some individual/specific things with each person. And I regret it.

With Boy Genius, Reaction Junkie didn’t like him for various reasons. He never told me to stop spending time with or playing with Boy Genius, but his opinion influenced my opinion and my actions, and I started doing less and less with Boy Genius. Reaction Junkie has since changed his opinion, and I did make an attempt to start playing with Boy Genius again a few months ago, but didn’t keep up with it. To be honest, that’s partially because, while I enjoy the play we did, he’s not quite as mean as I prefer. But it’s also because I spiraled into depression further.

With The Unknown Quantity, we played at events a bunch and I went to his place once. Then I guess I stopped going out as much because of depression and spending all my time with Reaction Junkie, and we didn’t play for a while. We attempted to get together again at one point, but by then neither of us was prioritizing the other. I was okay with that since it was equal. But more recently, I’ve made several attempts to play with him at events. I texted him beforehand expressing an interest in playing, but I never even got a response or an acknowledgement that I’d said anything. That really sucks. Being rejected, and being ignored. A month or so ago, I was at dinner with him and a few other people, including Sunny. At the end of the night, she asked The Unknown Quantity if he wanted to get together. He said yes, and that he was busy, but that he had time for her the next week. After they made their plans, I went up to him and asked if he wanted to get together. He said he was busy and didn’t have any time for the next month and a half. Well, fuck you, too. That really hurt, to see him make time for someone, and then the next moment to have him brush me off.

With The Violinist, I was the shittiest. We were dating for a few months, at least. We actually started dating not long after I started seeing Reaction Junkie. Which was not long before I started getting super depressed. Those things in combination meant that I didn’t treat The Violinist very well. I wasn’t doing poly well. Part of that was depression, yes, but part of it was me just not giving The Violinist the time and attention I should have. I kept canceling on him and didn’t make plans with I’m enough or spend enough time with him when we did get together. We actually got quite close. He knew all about my jealousy problems, and he talked them through with me. We spent a lot of good times together, but I wasn’t in a place where I could truly appreciate him. It took me far, far too long to realize that I shouldn’t have been dating someone else while in the throws of NRE and depression. We had a few conversations about our relationship, including one where we talked about spending less time together, but I really regret not figuring things out more quickly, and not having the guts to be as open and upfront as I should have been. I wish that I had told him I wanted to end things for the time being because I knew I wasn’t giving him the time and attention he deserved, and that I hoped that, once I was doing better, we could try again. I really, truly regret not having told him that.

I wish I could fix things with these people for a couple reasons. The primary one is, I admit, quite self-centered. I want more people to play with at happy hour and at events, both because I like playing with different people and because I know that when I play with other people and have fun, I have a much much easier time dealing with it when Reaction Junkie does things with other people. I’ve been hanging out with a couple of really awesome people lately (Not A Tumblr Dom and a great guy from okc/happy hour who has yet to be nicknamed), but they don’t come to happy hour, at least not regularly, and they don’t really come to events. Between Boy Genius and The Violinist, they come to happy hour pretty much every week, and The Unknown Quantity goes to a lot of events.

Besides just wanting more people to play with in general, I also miss playing with these people specifically. Even besides play, I don’t really interact with these people much any more, probably mostly because I feel awkward around them. I know that I have very compatible play interests with The Violinist and The Unknown Quantity. They both do mean rope (and are good at it) and they’re sadistic. I always really enjoyed the play I did with them; it’s exactly the kind of play I’m looking for. Even with Boy Genius, be is quite good at rope, and I had fun when I played with him, even if it didn’t exactly scratch my itch for pain.

Outside of play, these are all great people. I like talking with them and I really did enjoy spending time with them, and I miss it. Especially with The Violinist. We spent more time together than I did with anyone else except Reaction Junkie, and we had a lot of good times.

I get really envious of Sunny and the time she gets to spend with these people and the play she does with them. It makes me feel shitty about myself because I want to get more play and want to be wanted AND it reminds me of the fact that I wasn’t a good friend/play partner/partner to them. I want to ask them to play, but I think I’ll get rejected, and, honestly, I can’t blame them, especially The Violinist. I think I will try talking to them, especially Boy Genius and The Violinist, more at happy hour, though. Maybe I can start repairing the friendships/relationships I had with them.

Content Note: Feelings

I really appreciate all do the positive thoughts people are sending my way, and I’ll hopefully respond when life is less crazy.

I do want to make clear that the problems I’m having with Reaction Junkie have absolutely nothing to do with a d/s dynamic. It’s not at all about him being my dom and me being his sub. I don’t even think about him as “my dom,” especially since that’s not his natural inclination. I understand people might think that, though, and I do appreciate the messages about his responsibility to me as a sub. You’re completely right, and a lot of that is applicable to being in any kind of relationship, d/s or no. And I’m not upset about the messages at all. I just wanted to explain what’s going on. The d/s dynamic isn’t even on the radar as a source of issues. The issues are that he’s way more polyminded than I am and I have terrible self esteem. I’ve been having a really really really rough time dealing with poly stuff this week. The move and work stress just made it harder.

Even more feelings after the break. And some rough truths.

We had a big long tearful conversation last night, and I honestly don’t know where we’ll end up. I love him and don’t want to leave him, and he feels the same. But I have an extremely difficult time with this kind of relationship, and that makes things harder for him, as well. We’ve been sniping at each other all week, and my frustration and envy over not being able to meet people, while he finds people to make out with at happy hour, has been building and building.

I’m not honestly all that worried about him replacing me or finding someone he loves more. But I have this extremely negative visceral reaction when I see him play with others, and lately it’s been happening when he talks about playing with others, and even when I see him flitting. I have no idea what to do with that. I really hate it. Like, last Tuesday he showed someone how to do rope and said they made out, as well. And I was so upset. And honestly right now, thinking about it makes me want to do something like kick shit and throw stuff like like a toddler. Part of that is jealousy, but another bit part of it is also envy. I’m just so frustrated because I can’t did people as easily as him. Part of that is being more particular about who I do stuff with and the fact that there are a lot more decent women than fervent men. And part of it is the fact that he’s just better at talking to people, especially new people.

I just don’t know what to do about that visceral negative reaction when he plays with people. For one, it keeps me out of the upstairs at happy hour, which sucks. For another, I can’t stop it. Even if I stay downstairs and focus on a good conversation I’m having, or the person I’m flirting with, and even if at the time, I’m fine, at the end of the night, I’ll get upset. Not only does that suck for me, it sucks for Reaction Junkie. I try so so so hard not to, but I sometimes end up verbally lashing out. That, plus the fact that he just plain hates hurting me like that, makes it super unpleasant for Reaction Junkie. How long is he going to put up with it? Is the snapping at each other we’ve been doing lately evidence that he’s getting done with it?

How long will I put up with it? It feels like it’s getting harder, not easier, to deal with the visceral part. The other, theoretical stuff about him leaving me is easier, but this part is harder. Like, the other week I could not fucking get the picture of him doing stuff with the girl he lied to me about or with my friend at the party the other month out of my head. It was there when I tried to masturbate, fucking things up. And it was there when we played that Tuesday. Especially because the girl he lied to me about was sitting right across from us. And when he choked me, like he did with her, that’s all I could think about. The tears that scene were only about 10% pain from the scene. The rest were just sad, frustrated, confused, hurt tears. It didn’t happen last week, at least. I was able to do my scene with Reaction Junkie without being distracted by those thoughts.

We talked about the fact that he’s not that sexual, and that he’s kind of shitty and once he has sex with someone once, well, he’s less interested and wants to go find another shiny bauble. That’s my paraphrase of something he said, by the way. It sucked to have him basically say that he’d not ever going to be nearly as interested in sex with me as with some random new person. That’s what I heard, anyway. He also told me that one of the reasons we don’t have sex more is that, while he enjoys all the things we do, he’s most turned on by being bottoming. I knew that, and while he’s said similar things in the past, I’m not sure he’s ever outright admitted that. That hurt a lot to hear, even when I already knew it. Especially when I already knew kt. When we were talking about his low sex drive and everything, he kept telling me I should find someone else who will give me the physical affection I deserve.

We did talk solutions, at least about the sex stuff. I’m not so much concerned about the fact that sometimes he wants to do stuff with someone who is naturally toppier. I get that. I also want to do stuff with people who get off on topping and domming. He likes what we do, and when he does it, it fan be hella good, but it is different. And I’d like to have sex with people who are actively interested in sex with me. So, no, the fact that sometimes he wants to do stuff with someone for who topping is more natural isn’t the biggest problem. The bigger issue is that I want to have sex with him more. Nothing to do with other people, just plain wanting to have sex with my boyfriend more frequently. So we talked about actually finally doing some of the many things we’ve discussed in terms of him helping me get comfortable topping. At the very least, we’re going to schedule time on gcal like “LFB tied up Reaction Junkie and plays with his penis.”

I don’t know what we’re going to do. I cried writing this post this morning. I hope that things get easier when moving stress dies down, and I really hope work gets less stressful. I don’t want to end things, and honestly I don’t know how much better if be with any other relationship or with a different person. I’m tired of monogamy, since that doesn’t work. But at the same time, I’m really hating being poly right now. I’m willing to deal with a lot and put in a lot of effort because I think Reaction Junkie is worth it, and I want to stay with him. But when other life stressors increase, it makes the relationship stuff incredibly hard for me.

I felt somewhat better after we made the plan to schedule LFB topping time, and I think after the conversation in general. The conversation was ridiculously rough, though. I sobbed and punched the bed and kicked like a toddler having a tantrum. I walked away and ended up sitting in the shower (with it off) and crying and punching my leg in frustration. Reaction Junkie hid in the closet, laying on the floor. He got upset, he cried, he was frustrated. There were so many times it seemed like we were done talking, and there was absolutely no sense of closure. I don’t remember how the night ended, to be honest. I woke up in the morning in my clothes. I still never got that “we resolved stuff” feeling from the conversation, but I think part of that is that there are some things I’m just going to have to accept, like about our sex life, and about the fact that I need to put forth effort and fund some additional partners. When we first started dating, I was seeing multiple people, and I had an easier time. These days, I’m basically just seeing Reaction Junkie. As much as I love spending time with him, I also do agree with him that if I find more people, I’ll have an easier time.

It did still feel strained this morning, but some of that was probably the fact that we didn’t get any unpacking done last night. So things are still in mess, and it’s difficult to find stuff. I just wish I could give him a hug and hold him and have him hold me and tell me things will work out.

I had a rough night tonight, feelings wise. Before, during, and after therapy. Reaction Junkie and I talked a whole fucking lot (he’s such a trooper), and I really really appreciate how much he’s willing to process with me. I have to put in a lot of work to be able to deal with my insecurities, jealousies, and sads. I’ll admit it, I’m trying to change myself. But honestly, I have those sorts of issues in monogamous relationships, as well. I need to be able to deal with those reactions.

One thing that came out of my therapy session today is that I need to be kinder to myself. I beat myself up about having the responses to things that I do. I tell myself that I’m stupid for feeling that way. I feel embarrassed about it. That’s counterproductive. It prevents me from asking for what I need from partners and friends.

I’m going to stop being embarrassed. It’s nothing to be ashamed of to have emotions. I do have those reactions about him playing with others, but I find that much easier to manage, and think that I should be able to get to a point where I think about it like I think about him doing other activities with other people. Dealing with him being sexual with other people, especially having piv/pia with other people is more difficult. I feel shame about that. But there’s nothing weird about someone, especially someone on the monogamous end of the spectrum, having a negative reaction to their partner wanting to have sex with someone else (particularly under certain circumstances). 

I’ve already asked Reaction Junkie for something I was hesitant to ask. The next step is to open up to other people in my life and ask them for help. That’s always been hard for me because I find it hard to believe people like me or want to spend time with me. I want to ask other partners and friends to keep me company if Reaction Junkie is doing something that I find upsetting with play, one on one hangouts, bringing me into a group of people to socialize, etc. I’m hesitant to do so because of the embarrassment about the feelings I have, and because I don’t want to be annoying or take up their time. My therapist pointed out to me that they’re my friends. I’m not taking up their time. They’d be spending it with me. Someone they enjoy spending time with.

I’m ready to face the experiences that bring up insecurity and jealousy, and try out some of the new ideas for managing them. I don’t know if it will work, but I can’t know until I’ve tried a few times.

Yesterday Reaction Junkie helped me go to my first therapy session with my new therapist. He came in at first, helping me get over my sudden desire to simply curl up and cry. We talked with the therapist for a while, and then I told Reaction Junkie that he should go enjoy happy hour. He got up and gave me a kiss. I told him, “Tell people I said ‘Hi.’” and he headed out.

I started talking to my therapist and he mostly listened quietly, but actively. I felt uncomfortable, a little awkward at first, but eventually settled in and opened up. I talked about work first, then talked about how being depressed has caused issues with social anxiety and made dealing with any poly issues more difficult.

During the conversation about poly, I mentioned what happened at the con Reaction Junkie and I went to about a month ago, and that’s when the tears came. I talked about how upset I’d been, and we got into my thoughts and feelings about poly, jealousy, how you’re “supposed” to do poly, and how I shame myself when I feel like I’m not doing poly “right.” (Obviously there isn’t one way to do poly, but my jerkbrain likes to convince me there is.) I could tell that dealing with poly and jealousy feelings is going to be a theme in my sessions with this therapist.

I brought up the fact that I’ve been having more issues with social anxiety in the past month or so, not being able to talk to new people, not wanting to go to social events, and the like. I said that I feel like I can’t think of things to say to people, and, while in the past couple months prior to this upswing in my depression, I would just shrug off an unsuccessful interaction, and move on, now I feel as though it’s the end of the world.

I talked about how how I compare myself to more outgoing partners and feel bad about the fact that I’m not. Partially because I feel like I should be/have a habit of negatively comparing myself to others, but also because I wish I was more extroverted and comfortable with new people. It would make life easier, and would make finding new partners easier.

That led to a discussion of the fact that when I don’t find new partners as easily or often as a partner, especially if that partner is my only partner and/or someone who is a primary or primary-esque, it makes me feel bad. Besides the fact that new people are fun (At least they used to be for me. Not so much lately, with the depression and all.), I feel vulnerable, like there’s a differential investment in the relationship, like they have more options, so they aren’t as concerned with me. That happened with MLAM. I <i>know</i> with Reaction Junkie that isn’t the case. For fuck’s sake, we’re talking about living together and our future and we spend a lot of time together and I can just tell from how he talks and treats me and acts with me that he is just as invested in our relationship as I am. But that doesn’t stop my depression brain from making me worry about him finding someone who is more interesting, more fun, a better rope bottom, toppier, less needy, etc. and deciding that I’m not worth that time and effort anymore.

We moved on to a more general discussion of me not being kind to myself, having negative self-talk, and beating myself up for things. I told him that within the last month or so, I’ve been having an issue where, when someone says something like “X is the best at <activity>” or “Z is so much fun to play with” what I hear is “You’re not good at <activity> and no one wants to do <activity> with you/you’re nowhere near as fun to play with. I said I knew that was silly, and my therapist replied, "Well, that’s depressed thinking.” Self-esteem (or lack thereof) and insecurity are also going to be big themes, I think.

As we discussed things, I connected the work stress, the poly difficulties, and a resurgence in my social anxiety. They’re all related in a harmful negative feedback loop, each causing the others to get worse. The work stress means that I use up all my emotional and mental energy at work. That makes dealing with any issues at home, especially with jealousy or other poly things, much harder. That upsets me and brings me down. Then I start being meaner to myself and being more insecure. That makes being at kink events more challenging, since I’ll do more negative comparisons to other people, hear negative things about me when people are actually just saying positive things about others, and struggle more with partners playing with other people. Then that makes me feel shitty about myself and worry that I can’t “do poly.” Social anxiety gets worse, as well, especially as I get more into a depressed mindset. And that, of course, feeds back into the poly insecurities about not finding new partners and differential investment. I get distracted and less productive at work, need to stay more and stay up later to get things done, and feel more rushed when deadlines approach. And then the whole damn thing begins again.

I compare how I am now with how I was the past few months before this, and I miss feeling excited about things, meeting new partners and friends, doing more play with more different people, finding it comparatively easy to counter negative self-talk, and being more resilient with social or other failures. I miss that old LFB and worry that she’s gone. I feel like my depression will continue indefinitely, that my friends and partners will be less interested in spending time with me because they’ll get annoyed by how I bring things down and get tired of dealing with my sadness. And then, of course, I feel even more upset about the loss of pre-depressive episode LFB and the life I was living.

Talking about everything and making connections and saying things out loud that I hesitate to verbalize was hard and sad and uncomfortable and made me cry. But it also made me feel better. That past LFB isn’t gone. The problems I’m having with countering negative-self talk and insecurities, with finding managing jealousy very difficult, and with social anxiety aren’t problems I’ve always had, at least not to this life-disrupting extreme. They started to get worse with added work stress, lack of sleep, and maybe even with some particularly bad PMS that all added together to start this awful negative feedback loop. And since those problems haven’t always be there in the same way, since I can start to see what might be causing them to get worse, that means I can figure out a way to deal with them. All is not lost. I won’t be like this from here on out. I can, and will, get through this and come out just as, if not more, capable of disrupting negative self-talk, brushing off things that are now pushing insecurity buttons, managing with jealousy, being more outgoing and extroverted, and dealing everything else that depression is fucking with.

I went into the session feeling despondent, and I came out feeling hopeful.

Before happy hour last night, Reaction Junkie and I attempted to go to this awesome new vegan place in the city. I led us on a wild goose chase to the location that was 1) Farther away from where happy hour is and 2) Not even open yet. Sigh. I was pretty embarrassed/mad at myself and decided to go to the location near happy hour (and by near it is literally a 1 minute walk from where happy hour is and you can see it from happy hour and oh gods I’m so bad at life sometimes) by myself and let Reaction Junkie start his night. As soon as my food came I cheered right the fuck up. A chicken burger with ranch, buffalo chicken wings, and spicy chocolate cake? Yes please! So fucking awesome.

When I got to happy hour, I was still feeling a little socially uncomfortable, so i drank my first drink pretty quickly, and wandered over to talk to people. MLAM had texted me about a girl, Pearl, who was new to happy hour and she and I had talked a little via text. When I found her, Reaction Junkie had already figured out who she was, and we all started talking. She’s great! She was fun to talk to, engaged, and interesting. MLAM is kind of ridiculous, helping me make a friend even when he’s not there. In fact, part of my conversation with her resulted in me talking to even more people and making more new friends, so he helped me make more than one friend.

After a little while, we all headed upstairs to watch Reaction Junkie tie up Kitten. While we watched, I started chatting with Pearl and other people, and by the end of the evening, we’d all (including Reaction Junkie and Kitten) bonded over the idea of sneaky drinking in public and wandering around the city some weekend soon. Reaction Junkie doesn’t drink (Useful! It’s one of the reasons I keep him around.), so he will be tasked with herding us cats, but he likes cats, so that’s all good.

Towards the end of the evening, The Violinist dragged me away to do a mini scene. He’d gotten me in rope for a little while on Saturday before I had to abort the scene, and was eager to get me in it again, because, as he said, “You really like being in rope, I could tell at the start.” He tied my arms behind my back and then made fun of me for being so turned on and grinding against him while straddling him. He teased me, both physically and mentally, hurt me, scratched me, grabbed me, bit me hard enough and long enough to leave marks, and kissed me a lot.

During our aborted scene on Saturday, The Violinist told me that he wanted to spend more time with me. The way he said it made me think he’d been thinking about it for at least a little while, and I was super happy to hear him say it. I definitely squeed inside. I told him I’d like to spend more time with him, as well. I think my dynamic with him is becoming more of a dating/relationship/partner thing than just (not just in a bad way, play partners are awesome!) a play partner thing.

So, while we were playing at happy hour, I was thinking about that, and about the fact that he’s leaving soon for a two week long road trip. As we made out and The Violinist hurt me, I said that I would miss him while he was gone. He kind of laughed at me, gave me a look, kissed me, and then said, “I suppose I’ll kind of miss you, too.” I grinned and looked at him, skeptical about the qualifications. I told him he should text me and that I’d send nudes whenever he wanted. He considered this and said I better do it every day. He gave me an assignment! I love assignments! Being given small, fairly simple tasks to do, especially to do daily, is something I really like. Assignments serve as a nice reminder of my role that I can get even when I’m not physically with a partner, and I feel warm and subby when I am given one, and then again, while I’m completing it.

The Violinist and I made out, talked, and cuddled until it was time to go to the fast food place next door. I said a final goodbye to him and headed over. There was more fun conversation to be had there, and then Reaction Junkie, Kitten, and I grabbed the train back to Reaction Junkie’s place. We’d had plans for a while to do another cuddle sleepover with all three of us, so this time I was prepared and ready. When we got on the train, there weren’t any spots where three open seats were near each other, but a guy got up and gave us his seat, so we all got to sit together. Reaction Junkie was oh so pleased for bringing home to sexy women. He’s pretty adorable.

We had some more great, if possibly too loud, conversation on the train on the way home. We got back and got ready for bed, and then started discussing sleeping arrangements. I had said I wanted to be in the middle, and I stuck with that. Normally I’m actually somewhat uncomfortable cuddling with people I’m not having sex with, for whatever reason (physical affection-deprived childhood??? weird issues with touching people??? idk), but this time I decided just to try it and see how I’d feel. Kitten was the littlest spoon, then me, then Reaction Junkie. I put my arm around Kitten and Reaction Junkie put his arm around both of us. I felt surprisingly at ease and comfortable with the physical contact. We flipped around a couple times, and got hella warm because there were three of us in bed, but I really enjoyed it. Kitten told me the next morning that I’m comfortable, which made me happy. She’s awful comfortable, too.

This situation with Kitten and Reaction Junkie is basically perfect training wheels to deal with jealousy and figuring out my feelings and how to be comfortable being around a partner and a metamour. She’s not exactly a metamour since she isn’t looking for a relationship and isn’t poly, which makes it easier to sort out my reactions. We’re going to have another cuddle threesome on Friday. This time, instead of feeling somewhat negatively about it, like the first time, or mostly neutral, like on Tuesday, I’m really looking forward to it.

Note: I wrote most of this entry a day or two after this happened.

A few Tuesdays ago, I was talking to some people when I kind of overheard Reaction Junkie talking to Kitten (An adorable, awesome, and attractive girl I’ve talked to a few times and who has been hanging out with Reaction Junkie. I later got dinner with her and she’s just wonderful.) and I thought I heard him say something about coming back to his place. I was also going back with him, so I wasn’t sure what was happening, but mostly put it out of my head.

When we got to the fast food place afterwards, I found a moment when Reaction Junkie and I were basically alone. I asked him if Kitten was coming back with us. He said yes, he’d invited her, and then, without prompting, he apologized for not having asked me first, and said that it just sort of happened. He then checked with me to make sure it was okay. I was happy that he apologized for not asking first, especially since I hadn’t needed to even say anything.

I thought about my feelings and told him it was okay, and semi-jokingly added that I had to be in the middle. I admit to feeling a bit upset, but I like Kitten, too, and the feelings were low level, plus I’d already started logicing them away. Even outside of the fact that other partners/friends don’t mean someone cares about you less, likes you less, or is less interested in you, there’s also the fact that she’s moving away soon, not interested in a romantic relationship at the moment, and isn’t poly. I feel a little bit weird/petty using those facts to help me deal with my upset feels, but they certainly are good points.

I put those negative reactions in the back of my mind and had a lovely rest of the evening with everyone and, on the train, with Reaction Junkie and Kitten. It was a little bit stressful, trying to manage my actions. I didn’t want to seem possessive, and insist on sitting next to him, but I also didn’t want to seem like I was mad at him and sit farther away. I know I was probably overthinking it, but I wanted to make sure Reaction Junkie didn’t feel bad.

When we got to Reaction Junkie’s place, we all talked and got ready for bed. Kitten was brushing her teeth, and Reaction Junkie was laying in bed. I went over to give him a kiss, and he again apologized, again without prompting, for not having checked with me before. He clearly felt bad bad about it. I forgave him. Then, when we were discussing who would sleep where, I said that I wanted to be next to him. I’d changed my mind about wanting to be next to kitten, in large part because I wasn’t sure how she would feel about it, but also because I don’t always feel comfortable cuddling with people I don’t really know. Reaction Junkie brought up the fact that I had said I wanted to be in the middle, and I asked him what he wanted. He hesitated, then said that of course he wanted to be in the middle. I said that we should do that. He checked in again, saying that what he wanted was less important than me being comfortable. I reassured him and wee climbed into bed and went to sleep, Kitten as the littlest spoon, then Reaction Junkie, then me.

I slept okay, but woke up in the middle of the night. As I tried to go back to sleep, Kitten shifted. Reaction Junkie cuddled closer to her and away from me. I had this flash of obviously sad jealousy. I tried countering it with some very obvious and straightforward logic, “He’s asleep. He’s not doing it on purpose. You can’t blame people for things they do when they’re unconscious like that.” and it mostly worked, but I went back to sleep still feeling a little down. A couple hours later, however, I woke up cold. The sheet had come off in the night. Before I could re-cover myself, Reaction Junkie reached down and pulled it back over me. It was a simple thing, but it immediately erased any lingering illogical sadness I’d had. Then, closer to when we were to wake up, he reached back and put his arm around me, cuddling both Kitten and me.

When we finally got up for real, we got ready for the day and went our separate ways. Before I even got to where I was going, Reaction Junkie had texted me to thank me for the previous night and to apologize again. He’s a very sweet boy, and I know he felt bad about not checking with me. I’m also glad that we did that, because Kitten and I hung out the week after that, which was fun, and we’re set to have another sleep over tomorrow night, and Friday night. I’m glad I got that chance to deal with some low-level, very obviously unfounded jealousy and see how I would react to it.

So I’m going to a poly happy hour tonight and a really awesome okcupid guy is going to come as well, at my invitation. Yay!

Then a few minutes ago, another okcupid guy texted and asked what I was doing. I said, “Going to a poly happy hour at [name of bar]. You?” And he responded, “ "Going to a poly happy hour at [name of bar].”

So now two okcupid people are both coming and I have so many mixed feelings about it! Good, because hell yes, I’m stupid awesome! But also stressed because meeting two new people is more intimidating and because I’m concerned about managing interacting with both of them, and I’m worried about Reaction Junkie’s feelings/how I would feel if he had the same situation.

But I think instead of jerkbraining all over the place, I’m going to try to be excited for a fun social event and be happy that I’m getting to meet some awesome people. I hope I can do it, because tonight could be super fun!

Poly stuff: actively seeing two people, interested in a third, and still don’t have a date for this week.