#bungou stray dogs angst
wc: 1.1k
a/n: it’s angst time, friends
Dazai Osamu was an enigma to many, but not to you. He was a criminal, a murderer, a highly lethal and notorious executive for the Port Mafia. But he was a kid. He was just a kid who happened to be completely lost and constantly searching for something to give his life meaning, something to make him feel anything. However, he sought after life in death and light in the darkness.
Someone who understood this as well as you did was Odasaku. Being Dazai’s significant other, you were no stranger to Oda. There were occasions where you were able to actually talk to Oda, sometimes even helping him care for the orphans he looked after. However, you mostly knew Oda through Dazai and his countless mentions of him. Odasaku was a somewhat peculiar man, but he was most certainly kind, and he was someone Dazai needed. The more you observed the relationship between Oda and Dazai, the more it seemed to dance on the line of best friends and mentor-mentee. Either way, you knew that Odasaku was essential to Dazai as a person.
Oda Sakunosuke was one of the most important people to Dazai, which is why the way Dazai looks at you in this moment breaks your heart.
You aren’t sure how you know, but you do. The second you open the door, you can see his face filled with an intense sorrow he desperately tries to mask. Just the way he looks at you brings dread to the pit of your stomach. Without thinking or saying anything, you gather him and all his shattered pieces into your arms. He stands limply in the doorway, head falling onto your shoulder, as you try to place everything you want to say into the embrace.
Gently, you pull away from him and lead him into your apartment. He studies you as you shut the door and turn to face him. The room falls into a silence you simply can’t force yourself to break. You hold your breath, waiting for him to say or do something. In times like these, you would always let Dazai make the first move.
“I have to leave.”
His voice swiftly cuts through the tense air like a knife. Your eyes widen at his words. “Leave?” The word comes out of you quietly and breathily, almost an exhale. Leave what? Leave who?
“I can’t belong to the mafia anymore. But it’s not like I can just quit,” he elaborates. Your heart sinks in your chest, realizing what he was saying. “I have to leave, disappear. Somewhere they won’t find me.”
You clear your throat of any emotion that may seep into your words, shifting in your place. “Okay. Do you know where?” Dazai admires you for a moment. It may not be the proper time, but he can’t stop himself. Rather than try to stop him or beg him to take you with him, you immediately try to help him with his plan.
“Even if I did, I wouldn’t be able to tell you.”
You sigh, running a quick hand through your hair. “Alright.” You pause, looking over him for a moment. You try to talk yourself out of even bothering to ask. “Are you okay?” Maybe you shouldn’t have asked, but you could never help yourself when it came to Dazai.
He looks at you curiously, feigning ignorance. “Why wouldn’t I be okay?” You only respond with a pointed look. Dazai sighs, quickly reading the tiredness and worry resting on your face. This is why he shouldn’t have come. You could always see right through him, always pulled emotions it was best to avoid from him. It would have been safer and easier for the both of you if he had just vanished without a word, but Dazai could never help himself when it came to you.
You blink harshly when you feel the familiar sting of tears as you sit in a tense, bittersweet silence. Not right now. Taking a deep breath, you put on your mask. Smirking, you wave your finger at Dazai, “Well, you better stay safe. I don’t know what you’re going to do without me, but I’ll kick your ass if you don’t come back to me in one piece.”
Dazai huffs out a laugh, swiftly building up a mask similar to your own. He pushes your finger away from him playfully. “As if you could ever land a hit on me even if you wanted to.”
You observe the mischievous smile on his lips and empty look in his eyes. You try to push through it, to ignore the feeling of a breaking heart. You tell yourself to ignore everything for the sake of the moment. However, your mask begins to crack, and you pull Dazai into you before he has a chance to notice. You bury your face in his neck. You weren’t sure whether you were attempting to hide yourself from his peering gaze or attempting to combine your body with his own. The pain you feel in the depths of your heart eases as he gently wraps his arms around you. “I don’t care how long it takes, just please-”Your voice breaks. “Please, promise you’ll come back to me.”
Dazai doesn’t respond, simply holding you in your apartment’s entryway. You take the moment to listen to his breathing, his heartbeat. You breathe in his familiar scent and try to memorize the feeling of him in your arms so you never forget when he has to leave for God knows how long. Slowly, he pulls himself away from your embrace. As softly as he possibly can manage, he presses a tender kiss to the crown of your head.
I promise.
His arms trail up and back down your arms, holding your hands in his own for a moment, before he pulls away from you completely. He turns towards the door, twisting the knob. He doesn’t look back; he can’t afford to. This can’t be goodbye; you don’t want it to be.
“Dazai.” You catch his arm before he has the chance to disappear in front of you. He turns, awaiting what you have to say. You swallow the lump resting in your throat. “I…”Goodbye. “I’ll see you later.”
The bitter smile on his lips mirrors your own. Without a word, he turns and closes the door behind him. You wait by the door, listening as his footsteps fade further and further away. You know better than to believe he’ll change his mind and come running back, but you hope to hold onto him as long as you possibly could. Finally, he disappears and you can’t hear him no matter how much you strain your ears. Your limbs feel heavy and weak as you find tears falling down your cheeks like a summer storm.
That was the last time you saw Dazai Osamu.
