#end hate

As pride month 2019 gets a rolling, I felt the pull to share some thoughts…

So, if you’ve tuned in late, here’s what you missed: I officially came out as a transwoman in late 2014/early 2015. At that time and for quite some time before, I was pushing myself to be an all american, hyper masculine person. It was my attempt at meeting expectations; of fitting in and keeping a low profile. I had gotten to this place of self loathing do in large part (but not exclusively) to an early attempt at transition that went very, VERY bad.

I was in DEEP denial to be sure, but I was also so, so scared. Scared of losing the love of my life, my family and friends – terrified of the unknown… of becoming homeless (again) because I wasn’t sure it would be possible to keep/get a job. What would it do to my art career?? Would I be expected to leave my life behind and start over? From SCRATCH?? I came from such rough origins of discrimination, othering, abuse and bullying, that I didn’t know if I could handle yet ANOTHER set of obstacles. Especially, when I had worked so hard to have a good life that I could be proud of. I think this is a common concern among those of us who transition late in life.

I suppose, you could say that I had become comfortable in my little gender prison. It was the devil I knew, so to speak. We were very poor, growing up, and I was very frequently left unsupervised and this often put me in harms way for one reason or another. But thankfully, the boy was a survivor. He could take a beating and give one back. He was reactionary, tough, steely, and driven. Determined to live long enough for everything to finally make sense, so I could have a shot at peace.

A raw, angry nerve, if there ever was one.

But he was also kind, compassionate, and hell bound to be better than the sum of his parts. And if I’m really honest here, it wasn’t  always the worst thing; riding shotgun with him for as long as I did. There were a lot of crazy adventures! Good friends – some truly fond memories associated with the guy. I’ve always lusted for life experiences. These, not only inform me as I continue though my life, but amass to a treasure trove of moments that I wouldn’t trade for anything. That said, living inauthenticly was slowly rotting me from the inside out.

I tried VERY hard to be heteronormative, and cisgendered. I ignored myself, and focused on everyone else. My education, my career… I kept busy and hoped that my gender conflicts would simply go away like my childhood asthma. I believed for so long that it couldn’t be any different than it was, that it eventually became the truth. Until, finally, it wasn’t. So you can imagine how HARD coming out was.

It was me claiming myself, FOR myself, for the first time in my life – EVER, and facing the reality of who I actually am.

This is why I get so annoyed by people who refer to transitioning as a “choice” or a “lifestyle,” by the way. What a stupid, hurtful thing to say to someone! I didn’t choose being transgender anymore than I chose to have been born in New York, or to have blue eyes or to be allergic to crab. Every year – GLOBALLY – hundreds of transfolk are murdered, just for trying to live their best lives in their own damn skin. That’s. Fucked up.

That’s 1.4 MILLION or so Americans getting getting denied healthcare, being harassed by law enforcement, losing their jobs, and being shunned by family/friends/spiritual communities because why? People can’t wrap their head around the complexity of gender?!

But yeah, it’s a party. Woo-fucking-hoo. (Insert facepalm, here.)

The reality is, we humans exist on spectrums. Gender, sexuality, physicality; like a person’s identity, we are never only “one thing or the other.” And that’s GOOD because diversity and life experience. And for real, this is how it’s been the entirety of human existence. The idea of a binary, is an archetype. Like roman gods. Mars, for instance, is not an actual person, but rather a representation of a TYPE of person. A mentality. A glorified ideal. Such is the ideal of “binary man” and “binary woman.”

It’s all a gray area people, try to keep up.

One of the most beautiful things about being transgender (IMHO), is its intersectionality. It’s a kind of equalizer. What that means, is that ANYONE, can be born trans, regardless of cultural/ethnic origin, political affiliation, religious views, social standing, ableness, intelligence, health…. – in a sense, trans people are all people.

And THAT, dear internet, is BEAUTIFUL to me. And that is why I am free and have pride and what, next weekend, I’ll be celebrating.

Stay strong, live your best life and have a happy pride. <3