#female tc
Call me pathetic or anything you like, but some people are meant to be in each other lifes. And both of you can feel it. Did you ever just felt connected to someone in a very special way? As if there was a thin string of fate wounded around the two of you?
When Starlight and I met I felt exactly that way. And I still feel it.
She knows how I think and feel about everything, cause she almost always feels the same. Talking to her is like looking into a mirror. It’s looking at how things are supposed to be. It didn’t matter that she was my teacher. We found our way somehow.
She fucking saved my life more than once and in the last year I had the chance to help saving hers. When my world broke apart she was always there and I’m glad that I was able to be there for her when her world ended.
If there’s such a thing as soulmates I’m sure I found mine.
“She’s my someone. She’s always going to be the reason for why my heart belongs in this world.”—juansen dizon
I remember the last time I was happy. And I remember the time before and the time before that.
I was happy when you drove me home in your car. I was happy when you smiled at me across the room, cause something reminded you of a late night conversation we had. I was happy when we danced or when we took drunk pictures of ourselves. I was happy when you asked me to stay for one more glass of wine. I was happy sitting on the floor of your new apartment with you while we built your new bed. I was happy when you told me your secrets.
My happiness is connected to you. Your smile lights up my world and I miss you. I miss me being happy, you know?
What if I’m never able to let you go? I tried. I tried and I tried and I tried. For 7 years now I convinced myself that I would find love again. What if I can’t?
Me: hey! I’m almost too afraid to ask, cause you’re busy all the time, but do you have some free time in the next month so we can meet for coffee? I need a new and fresh perspective on something and as I can remember you’re good at that
Starlight: yeah, of course. For you I’m always gonna find time! how urgent do you need me?
Me: It’s not that urgent. I need to find a day where I can stay away from home myself
Starlight: We’ll figure something out.
Me:thanks
Starlight: you’re welcome just text me you’re free days and when I’m back you can come over!
So this happened yesterday. Can you imagine that she actually said that she’ll always find time for me? She’s such an angel. I really need one of her hugs right now and I can’t wait to see her.
Currently I’m rereading old diaries from 2011 and holy shit, that woman had balls I told her two week before I was at her wedding that I was in love with her and she didn’t even blink.
She took care of me. My whole life she protected me. And I love her endlessly for not leaving when I asked her to and boy, I asked her many times.
I’m still alive, because of this amazing gorgeous woman who had no fear to show me real kindness. She’s my safe space and always will be and I’m so glad she’s a part of my life.
How I ended up smashed with Starlight and some other teachers discussing our underwear pt.2:
“When I really wanna feel pretty and sexy, I’m putting on a nice bra. It’s like magic. You guys should try it. Don’t you think?”, she said and winked at me.
“Yeah totally”, I agreed and took another sip from my glass. I felt how he alcohol was already making me dizzy and the last thing I needed was the image of Starlight half naked.
“I’ve always wanted to know if men feel like this, too.”, she continued.
“Pants make a difference? I mean, I get it, there are nice bras and bras my granny would wear, but pants are just pants, aren’t they?”, her colleague asked mockingly.
“They’re not just pants! Wearing the right one makes a guy hotter, too! Am I right?”, she looked at me as if she wanted confirmation.
“Don’t ask me.”, I said and shrugged. Suddenly she blushed heavily and giggled.
“Oh, I’m sorry”
“Don’t be. It’s true what you said though. As a woman you feel more self-confident wearing nice stuff and let me tell you, women with nice lingerie are ten times hotter.”
Her colleagues nodded in agreement.
“Sorry, Starlight, but I guess you’re the only one who likes men in this circle.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure of that.”
R, her oldest colleague grinned complacently. “I might be the kind of guy that noticed that a guy’s underwear makes a difference.”
“No way!”, she bursted out laughing.
“There’s a reason I studied contemporary dance and music.” We all joint Starlights laughter.
“So you’re bi?” another colleague asked. “I never understood how anyone could find men attractive.”
“Me neither”, I said, “women are just…wow. Being in love with a woman in like a religious experience. You should try it one time.” I poked Starlight and earned a few laughs from her colleagues.
“Well, I don’t know. There is this woman. The teacher from this other school we’re sometimes working with. She’s really attractive! I get a bit of a wow feeling when she’s around.”
She shrugged. “But I still prefer men. I can’t help it.”
“You got a terrible taste, Starlight.”, I said and took another sip.
“Do I? So you’re saying yours is better?”
“Of course! I’m a professional.”
Starlight raised her eyebrows and smiled.
“So you have to tell me who you think is attractive.”
“Maybe some other time.”, I smiled back. As the conversation continued I wondered what she would say if she knew that she’s the most beautiful woman I ever laid my eyes on. But I kept my thoughts to myself. Maybe some other time.
How I ended up smashed with Starlight and some other teachers, discussing our underwear pt.1:
“I’m sorry, but the bar is already closed.”
“Can’t you just sell us one bottle of wine?”, Starlight said pleadingly, “Just one bottle?”
The bar keeper sighed. “Ok, just one.”
“Thank you very much! You saved our evening” she said, poked me with excitement and took the bottle back to our table.
“I promised you a good evening and I’m keeping my promises” she whispered before she opened the bottle.
“What are we supposed to do with only one bottle? There are four of us. Five if T returns.”
“You’re right”, Starlight said and she shrugged, “but it’s better than nothing.”
“I know who has more booze than any youth hostel can offer”, her colleague said and ginned at her.
“You really wanna do that, huh?”
“Yes I do.”
“Ok, let’s do it.”
Starlight stood up and implied with a gesture that I should follow her. “We’re gonna go for a hunt”, was all she said. We went upstairs. A few doors, words and a disappointed looks on her colleagues face later we found what we were looking for.
“It’s the boys dorm”, she said with excitement in her voice. Her colleague knocked then opened the door immediately.
“That’s what I suspected. Boys, hand over the booze or I have to call your parents and the headmaster!”, his voice was calm but strict. When he came out if the room again he grinned and presented his pray. A big bag full of bottles and beer cans. Starlight and I tried to hold our laughter back.
“So, what are we gonna do with all that alcohol?” I asked back at the table.
Starlight smiled at me. “I promised you a good evening. Let’s have one!”, and she handed me a glass filled with rum and coke. “We can’t square with our conscience that the students are drinking that much on a school trip”, her colleague said mockingly and grabbed a beer.
Building a home pt. 2
After our first concert she drove me home which meant about 3 hours with just the two of us.
We talked about a lot of things and at one point I started to tell her about a woman in the orchestra that I was in love with. That way I could tell her everything that was on my mind and discuss it with her without the need of confessing my feelings for her.
When we were nearly at home I said that I didn’t want to go home yet and she agreed. She looked at me with a big smile on her face and said: “How do you feel about Dinner and one last Beer?” So we drove to a restaurant to spent some last moments together.
We talked a lot about her divorce and she told me things that I’m pretty sure she only told a few close friends. I can’t describe how it feels to be so close to her, to have her trust. She always was like a beautiful rare flower to me, but she was behind glass. I was never able to really touch her. I could only glare at her from a distance. Seeing her so vulnerable yet so strong is like somebody destroyed the glass between us. It’s like a beautiful painting that came to life.
Building a home pt.1
Another big thing that happened was our last orchestra project. She didn’t want to come in the first place, but her best friend and me sent her a voicemail and convinced her to come. And she came.
So we spent some days together talking, dancing, drinking, laughing and crying. She actually forgot that she was my teacher once and I had to remind her. Then we were mistaken for sisters and she told a very convincing story about me being her half-sister. One evening we watched a DVD all together from a previous project. She started crying and when the lights went on I realised that there were only a few people in the room who knew why and I was one of them. I hugged her to make her feel better and she buried her face in my shoulder. But we also laughed a lot and danced to crappy music while drinking cheap wine.
This place with those crazy and incredibly talented people is our home, our family. And I’m glad she made her way back.
November TC Challenge
6) what was your first impression of them?
Funny story. I thought: “wow she’s beautiful, but sadly she’s not my type.” cause I was a stupid teenager and only had crushes on women with blue eyes and blonde hair before. I was 13 and didn’t think I could fall in love with her. Oh boy, I was so wrong.
November TC Challenge
5) what’s your favourite memory with them?
Since I’m lucky enough to have 10 years of memories to chose from it’s very hard to pick one.
The day I helped her move into her new flat I was the last one to stay with her. Everyone had gone home and she offered me a glass of wine and because she had no appropriate glasses we drank it out of a coffee cup. We sat down on a mattress (that was her bed at that time ) and talked about everything. I felt so close to her in that moment and she told me about her childhood, her dreams, her hopes and fears.
A few month later she drove me home. The time in the car was already amazing, but when we got close to the city we live in we decided that none of us wanted to go home yet so we ended up going to a restaurant together.
And a memory that is many many years old. When I was still her student she helped me out many times. And after one of our meetings she hugged me so tight that I could feel her heartbeat. We stood there for minutes and when I hugged her a bit tighter she hugged back.
I could list so many more moments she makes me so incredibly happy and I know that I am the luckiest person on earth to be her friend.
