6.4.22

I embarrassed myself today :( it probably wasn’t as bad as I think but still. side note - i have a sty???? my left eye was just swollen the whole time i felt so embarrassed lol. also!! she looked so pretty today it was crazy. she was wearing such a pretty outfit and she just looked so good it added to my nerves.

so today we had a test prep and we were going individually into L’s classroom one by one to do it. we went in, did attendance, then went outside and waited for our name to be called. this alone was an stressful because she didn’t go in alphabetical order so I had no idea when it would be my turn.

while I was waiting i wasn’t nervous. I felt prepared and i was just sort of nervous but it wasn’t notable. I was like 5th and when I heard my name my heart started pumping so hard

i walked in and L said ‘hi paula’ and I said hi and I sat down at her desk. we kinda just started and I stumbled a lot even though i was prepared which frustrated me. at one point I literally said 'sorry I’m so nervous’ and she was like 'oh its okay’ and it didn’t help lol. i kept saying the wrong thing and like forgetting what i had to say and i felt so embarrassed. my heart was pounding the whole time too. I went really fast (5 minutes) but she said it was okay and that I did a good job.

then I left and sat outside for the rest of the period. when the bell rang I gathered my stuff and said bye but I was so nervous I forgot to say 'have a good break’. today is the last lesson I have with L before spring break but I was so nervous I just completely blanked ugh

the last 2 lessons I’ve had with L have both been really dry. the last one had the same format as today, but I didn’t really go into the class at all. I came in for like 10 minutes and spent the rest of class outside. then today I did the same thing. it sucks because I felt really confident about me and L because I had been talking to her more and now we’ve barely spoken much and it is just getting me down

December TC challenge

are you giving/doing anything for you tc for the holidays?

I always text her on christmas eve. It’s the most important thing about christmas to send her some greetings and she always replies immediately. Last year I gave her a big care package with lots of food, some warm crazy socks and a little cuddly toy that you can put into the microwave to warm you. She gave me a book and I was completely surprised, cause I would never though that she would get me a gift.

Once we were at a bar (we often go there after concerts) and I saw that her hair was a bit messy. I didn’t mean to interrupt her conversation, but I wanted to tell her just in case she wanted to redo her hair in the bathroom. I gently touched her shoulder to get her attention and whispered to her “you might wanna check your hair. It got lose.” I thought she would just fix it later, but she turned towards me and said: “don’t you wanna fix it then?” As if this was the most natural thing in the world to do. “Of course” I replied. So I gently tried to pull out her hair clips to save her hairdo. My hard was beating so fast in that moment. She wanted to check what I did with her hands and accidentally touched mine.

Whenever I think of that moment I’m smiling. Not just that she asked me, but that it was the very first thing that came to her mind.

I used to flirt with my teachers a lot. I’m a very outgoing person and absolutely not shy. So years after I graduated I talked to one of my old teachers about one of my first teacher crushes (not Starlight) and I couldn’t hold myself:

B: J (my TC) told me about you once.

Me: so what did she say?

B: that she always had the feeling that you were in love with her.

Me: yeah I know. We talked about that a lot and she was right. I had a big crush on her.

B: she was very confused.

Me: why confused?

B: she said she always had the feeling that you would talk to her like a man would.

Me: like a man?

B: yes, like a man trying to ask her out for a date or something. A man who was flirting with her.

Me: well, I was a lesbian trying to flirt with her and ask her out on a date

B: well, I guess that kind of thought never crossed her mind.

HOW ON EARTH can you sit in front of a girl who is TELLING you that she is in love with you and think: well, that’s weird. This kinda feels like a man is asking me out. But she no man??!? I don’t get it. ‍♀️‍♀️‍♀️

Building a home pt. 2

After our first concert she drove me home which meant about 3 hours with just the two of us.

We talked about a lot of things and at one point I started to tell her about a woman in the orchestra that I was in love with. That way I could tell her everything that was on my mind and discuss it with her without the need of confessing my feelings for her.

When we were nearly at home I said that I didn’t want to go home yet and she agreed. She looked at me with a big smile on her face and said: “How do you feel about Dinner and one last Beer?” So we drove to a restaurant to spent some last moments together.

We talked a lot about her divorce and she told me things that I’m pretty sure she only told a few close friends. I can’t describe how it feels to be so close to her, to have her trust. She always was like a beautiful rare flower to me, but she was behind glass. I was never able to really touch her. I could only glare at her from a distance. Seeing her so vulnerable yet so strong is like somebody destroyed the glass between us. It’s like a beautiful painting that came to life.

i had a dream we were cuddling :/

on my last day of school we sat together (having our legs touch the whole time again) and spent the last class we would ever have just talking, he hinted he would like to stay in contact with me after my finals (coming up next week) <3