#fiftyshadesofgrey

One of the key elements in D/s (and, to some extent, all BDSM) relationships and encounters is the transfer of power. The submissive gives power to the Dominant partner, and that Dominant partner then exercises that power over the submissive. I started thinking about this in my second D/s relationship, when I realized that I was doing things to this girl that she had never really agreed to and I wasn’t quite sure where the line was. We were lucky, as I've said before, because she was as much of a kinky freak as I was and she wanted me to do exactly what I wanted to do to her, but so much could have gone wrong. At any rate, this relationship made me think deeply about what happens when someone gives control to someone else. (I will try to keep this as generic as possible, understanding that it may apply to 24/7 TPE relationships or to people in short scenes and encounters, equally well. For convenience, I will use feminine pronouns to refer to the submissive partner and masculine for the Dominant, but everything applies equally well to all gender combinations.)

The more I thought about it, in this and my following relationships, I came to think of it as a four step process:

• Offering power
• Negotiating
• Exercising power
• Returning power

Before there can be any exchange of power, the submissive must want to give that power to the Dominant. If power exchange is forced or coerced, the relationship is abuse. (Think of an abused domestic partner or spouse who hands control over because of fear of bodily harm.) For a healthy exchange of power to take place, the submissive must actively want (and, ideally, crave) to give power to the Dominant partner. The submissive must somehow communicate to the Dominant that she wants, and is offering, to hand power to the Dominant. Think about the many ways that can happen: body language, something on your tumblr, something dropped in a conversation, an email or text, etc. The possibilities are limitless but somehow this communication must happen: the potential submissive must communicate to the potential Dominant that she is offering to give up power to Him, and He must recognize the message. If this is botched, all is lost.

There must then be some kind of negotiation. What are the boundaries of control being given up? We’re not just talking about sexual limits (because we’re not just talking about sex), but that is certainly a component. Will the Dominant have control all the time, or only in specific times? Is this ongoing, or only for the extent of this particular sexual encounter? There are many questions that should be addressed, and this is one thing that the BDSM community does well. When two vanilla people have rough sex, things happen that the submissive might not have wanted to have happen, but people who are aware of these issues will have deep discussions about issues of power exchange and control. This can be quick and dirty (“I like to have my hair pulled. Don’t choke me. No anal.”) or the negotiation can result in an extensive formalized contract.

Once the parameters are understood, the actual power exchange takes place. Sometimes this is formalized (kneeling, putting on a collar), sometimes it is physical (pinning a submissive to the wall for the first time, grabbing her throat and kissing her), or sometimes it may be accomplished through words (email, phone or over dinner.) Regardless, there should be a moment where it is clear the Dominant is now in control. Once the Dominant has power, he should use it appropriately and there are a thousand little things he can do to refine and solidify his power over the submissive. (That’s not the subject of this post, though.) Once power has been handed over, it is wrong for the submissive to try to exert control in the relationship (topping from the bottom.) In fact, things like like this are warnings to the Dominant that power has not actually been transferred and that all is not well in the relationship.

All things, well, most things, must come to an end, and there usually is a point where power is returned to the submissive partner and the two return to an equal power relationship. Again, the nature of this step depends on the nature of the relationship. It may be formalized (some of us know there are few things in the world more heartwrenching than to say the words “I release you” to a submissive), or casual (uber-casual: the guy cums and loses interest), but there must be some point in time when both partners know that power is returned to the submissive. It is inappropriate for the Dominant to try to exercise power after this point, and it is also inappropriate for the submissive to ask to be controlled. The two are no longer Dominant and submissive, but are simply two human beings. Of course, new relationships/scenes can be negotiated, but this dance of power exchange must be respected.

A lot of people do things without really thinking about them–sex is certainly one of those things–but I think some mistakes can be avoided if we take time to consider these issues a little more deeply. Everything I’ve written here must be adopted for your particular relationship and personality. Online-only D/s relationships are, of course, perfectly legitimate, but the nature of power exchange will be very different compared to a physical relationship. No matter what, each of these steps is important, and each must be done, in some way.

I’ll write another post soon thinking about what can go wrong at each stage, but I hope I’ve presented a good high-level model for how power exchange should work in D/s relationships. If you skip or botch any of these steps, you are in trouble—at best you will have an uncertain and shaky power exchange. The submissive partner is likely going to be uncomfortable and nervous and the Dominant will be unsatisfied. At worst, it’s likely that you will be abusing, taking advantage of your partner, and possibly causing real harm. We’re playing with fire here—take the time to do it right to avoid hurting yourself or someone else.

Fifty Shades of Grey—it’s the book everyone is talking about. Like so many things in the public eye, it also tends to be very polarizing: on one hand, staunch defenders of the book attack anyone who says anything negative about it. On the other hand, people in the BDSM community laugh, shake their heads, or issue stern warnings. Everyone has an opinion, and I receive about 10 messages a week asking for mine. I’ve avoided pontificating because I felt I should finish the series first, but I just cannot bring myself to do that. I’ve lost steam somewhere in the middle of the second book; I find myself bored and I put it down and go to sleep every time Ana sighs, which is frequently. However, I’ve read enough of it to form an opinion, which may or may not be interesting to anyone else. I also have read many reviews and synopses, and have spoken with someone who knows the author personally. So—deep breath—here’s the answer to the question, “what do you think about FSOG?”

Let me tell you right off I fall somewhere in the middle, meaning that, in this case, I probably have the potential to offend everyone equally well. First of all, the quality of writing in these books is unbelievably poor. If you do not see that, you just are not being realistic. Many of the problems could have been fixed with solid editing and rewriting, but that didn’t happen. Many writers (myself included) are so offended at the poor craftsmanship that it is difficult to see anything else.  (In an honest moment of self-scrutiny, most of us will also admit we’re jealous of the author’s commercial success with such poor writing, but that’s just the way business works sometimes.)

It is important to remember that E.L. James does not present this as a model BDSM relationship, or even as a model vanilla relationship. Fifty Shades is the story of a fantasy romance–nothing more or nothing less, and a kind of silly one, at that. The characters are more than a little absurd, the plot is thin and predictable, but that is not the point. The plots most of Shakespeare’s plays and all of Wagner’s operas are also simple and nearly completely predictable. What matters is what a great author can do against the foil of a simplistic plot in terms of writing and character development, but we must avoid evaluating this book on literary criteria. I’d give her the benefit of the doubt and assume that James set out to create a facile, shallow fantasy with some exciting sex scenes. Perhaps she has accomplished what she intended, and she’s certainly sold a lot of books.

Thinking about the characters for a moment, it’s pretty apparent that Christian is a profoundly flawed man. When I started reading, I was offended and said that James was implying that someone had to have a traumatic past to be into “these things we do.” On further reflection, that was unfair to her—she is saying that Christian is screwed up, but I don’t honestly see a condemnation of the BDSM community as a whole in her work. Many people have said that Ana is unrealistic, but I once knew a girl who was a lot like her in many ways. (Though I did laugh when he hit her nipple then her clit with a riding crop, and she came instantly. Ummm… no.)

I think James shows her misunderstanding of the D/s dynamic most clearly in Ana. We are supposed to believe that Ana is not submissive, and that she is doing all these things for her tortured love of Christian. Wrong. The Ana I see in the book is a sweet, potential submissive. With the right man, she could find many of the elements of BDSM very gratifying. (Speaking personally, I would very much like to get my hands on Ana.) I don’t think this is what James intended, and here her complete lack of understanding of the submissive dynamic shows through most clearly. As for Christian’s barely restrained sadism—meh, whatever. I just don’t find it that interesting or compelling, to be honest.

One thing does need to be said clearly—if you find yourself interested in BDSM because of reading this book, well, good.  Your eyes have been opened to a potential experience that you might not otherwise have encountered. Just be aware that nearly everything you have seen in the book is at least potentially unhealthy and unrealistic. Most of it is very unhealthy and dangerous, both emotionally and physically. This is not how a Dom and a sub should interact and it is in no way a model of BDSM relationship. Much of Christian’s behavior is stupid and abusive, and Ana struggles because she has failed to educate herself or grapple with her psychology. If this book has been your introduction and has led you here, please continue to educate yourself. Move forward slowly. Focus on safety and on protecting yourself because there many people who will abuse your doe-eyed innocence—sadly, few things are easier than taking advantage of a woman who is just beginning to grapple with her potential submissiveness, and many wanna-be dominant men know this. Be aware of that, and take care of yourself—a grand adventure awaits, but it is not be found between the covers of Fifty Shades of Grey.

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