It was a fact that Edmundo Diaz did not handle words very well. Whatever they might be.
He didn’t know what to say, or how to say it, to his father that he didn’t want to join the high school football team. He didn’t know what to say, or how to say it, that he didn’t want to kiss that girl at the birthday party while he and his friends played seven minutes in heaven. He never knew what to say, or how to say it, to his teammate Tyler Evans that he was beautiful, that Eddie dreamed of him, and that he wanted to kiss him. Eddie never knew what to say, or how to say it, to Shannon that he didn’t love her and that he had only agreed to go out with her because Tyler had got a girlfriend, in fact, all of his friends were getting a girlfriend, and he was so embarrassed when she asked him out in front of everyone that he simply said yes. He didn’t know what to say, or how to say it, that he didn’t like her kisses or how she touched him, much less how her body felt under his hands. Then she was pregnant and his parents insisted they get married, he didn’t know how to say that while he was happy with the idea of being a father, the realization that he would have to pass the rest of his life with Shannon terrified him. It wasn’t that he didn’t love her, he did, but not in that way, not to spend a lifetime together. How could he say that he had dated her only because he felt pressured by his fears and insecurities, how could he say that the sex between them was good and constant because that way he didn’t need to use words, so Eddie learned how to please her and mostly how to let his mind run to all the places that would help him enjoy it too. How could he say such words?
So he did what he always did best, he didn’t say anything!
He swallowed all the words and let them scream silently and freely inside his chest, choking him in ways that made him want to run away. Which is something he also did and found he was pretty good at it, running away. Enlisting was the perfect excuse, it took him far away, a place where he still pretended to be someone he wasn’t, he still didn’t know what to say or how to say many things, but at least he no longer needed to trick his mind to be able to enjoy the Shannon touches
The touch that was too delicate, the body that was too curvy.
He shuts up and uses the money as an excuse to run away because he doesn’t know what to say, or how to say it, to Shannon that he doesn’t love her. He definitely doesn’t know what to say, or how to say it, to his parents that he’d rather be alone than with a woman, that he’d prefer big callused hands to small than delicate ones, strong muscular arms, face slightly rough with a beard. How could he tell his parents that he would rather be married to a man?!
“I want my daughter to have everything that I didn’t have, Maddie; what we didn’t have. I want her to have a childhood she’ll remember with affection, Maddie, with a smile instead of sadness. I want my daughter to be happy.”
You see, Buck knew how to take care of children. He did this all the time. With Denny and Nia, with Harry, and especially with Christopher. I mean, he babysat Christopher so many times he could do it with his eyes closed. So, Buck knew how to take care of kids; this wasn’t rocket science, right? Right?! No! Wrong. Because Buck knew how to take care of children; walking and talking children. A baby was… something else.
Bella didn’t talk, she didn’t walk, she didn’t go to the bathroom by herself, she didn’t even let him know when she needed to go to the bathroom, and this is all on another level for Buck. Of course, he had help. Maddie taught him how to prepare the bath with the water at the correct temperature, she taught him how to bathe his daughter correctly and how to dress her. Carla taught him how to prepare the formula, to make sure it wasn’t too hot, and also taught him how to sanitize and care for the umbilical stump. Athena taught him all the lullabies she sang to May and Harry, while Bobby, apparently, found it necessary to start teaching Buck how to cook and prepare baby food from day one. Chimney went through an extensive list of all the movies he had found about babies and single dads and sometimes they even watched them together. Hen and Karen explained about all the stimulating toys for babies and which brands to buy, a list of the best stores, and they had even bought some toys for Bella already.
So you see, Buck had all the help he could ever need.
And then he had Eddie. Eddie, who came to the apartment every day when his shift ended, who would hold Bella in his arms while Buck showered. Eddie, who always brought Christopher with him because the boy was completely in love with the baby, and his daughter seemed to be delighted with him too; she would always make the most adorable sounds when she saw Christopher. Eddie who always brought lots of food…
“Don’t worry, Abuela’s the one who cooked and had me bring it to you.”
Eddie, who cared for his daughter with as much love as Buck cared for Chris. Eddie, who spent every night with him on the phone, because even though Bella was a calm baby and slept well, she still woke up at night hungry or with a dirty diaper, and Buck always took a while to get back to sleep after that; so they talked, about everything and nothing.
And in a way Buck didn’t even think was possible, their friendship solidified even further. A week, just seven days, and it was enough to bring them even closertogether.
By the second week, it became more…natural. Buck couldn’t even remember his life before he had had that baby in his arms. He started to believe it when his friends told him he would do well, that he was a natural. He loved waking up in the morning to the noises she made, especially the ones she made when he pretended to bite her feet while changing her diaper. Buck loved being on the living room floor with her’ Karen had given her a colorful and soft baby rug, and Buck could spend hours there, lying down and playing with her. He loved bathtime’ his daughter definitely loved the water, so bathtime was always a party where Buck sang all of the bath songs he had learned over the past few days. But what he really loved was the time he spent feeding her. Buck just loved having his little girl in his arms as she suckled the bottle, her beautiful, expressive blue eyes locked with his, her tiny hand gripping his finger with all the strength she had. That moment, that one wonderful moment was the part Buck loved most in his life.
Which was why, realizing that the week was nearing its end and that he would soon be going back to work, made Buck’s heartache a little. Not that he didn’t trust Carla; he damn well knew his daughter couldn’t be in more competent hands. But, well… they weren’t his hands.
Bella loved Carla, however. Every day, the woman came to visit while Christopher was at school, even though Buck had said it wasn’t necessary, that she wouldn’t start babysitting until he got back to work. But still, she came every morning, and then in the late afternoon, if Eddie was on a shift, she came back with Christopher and they would go for a walk in the park next to Buck’s building. Those walks were also Buck’s favorite part of the day, mostly because Eddie joined them instead of Carla. They walked side by side, Buck pushing the baby carriage and Eddie carrying two bags on his shoulders - one for Bella and another one with food for them to eat when they arrived at the park-Christopher would go right up front, right next to Bella’s stroller, because he narrated the entire ride for her and always told her some interesting facts he’s learned. Buck couldn’t help but smile knowing the boy had learned that habit from him.
This new routine between them was both strange and normal at the same time; it brought a feeling of peace to Buck that he still couldn’t fully understand. But he liked it, so he just accepted it as it was.
Everything was perfect. Buck may never have imagined this turn of events in his life, but he couldn’t be happier.
Almost two weeks as a father. And like any father, he wanted the best for his daughter, especially when it came to comfort and safety. Which meant that an apartment was not the best housing option for them.
“Hold on, move out of the apartment? But Evan, you love it here !”
“Yeah, but Maddie, look at this place! It’s not an ideal environment for a kid. I know Bella isn’t walking yet, and yes, I also know it’s going to take a while for that to happen. But sooner or later, it will, right? One day, she’ll start crawling and walking, and then this whole apartment will become a trap.”
He walked from the kitchen to the living room with a few snacks in hand while his sister followed him holding drinks, and after they sat on the couch Buck checked that Bella was still sleeping in the stroller and then turned to his sister who was serving them both a glass of wine.
“I know, you’re right. It’s just that everything has been happening so fast for you. A house really is the best idea for you guys.”
“I want my daughter to have everything that I didn’t have, Maddie; what we didn’t have. A house that really feels like home, a big backyard that won’t just be an ornament for the neighbors to see, where she can run and play, a swing and maybe even a treehouse, a pool for her to learn how to swim. Space for a dog; do you remember? We’ve always wanted a dog. I want my daughter to have a childhood she’ll remember with affection, Maddie, with a smile instead of sadness. I want my daughter to be happy.”
“Oh honey, she will be. That little girl will be so happy, big brother. Because she has you for her father. I know we’ve all said that Buck, but I’ll always keep saying it; no one in the world could be a better father than you.”
“Everything I learned was from Bobby and especially from Eddie.”
“Well, then you’ve learned really well. You’re wonderful with Bella. Now, about the apartment…”
“I’ve already contacted a real estate agent, told them everything I’m looking for in a house and an acceptable price I’m willing to pay. Tomorrow, I’m going to see some houses.”
“That was quick!”
“She probably liked my budget.”
“Buck, that day you handed me your credit card and now the house…it was grandpa’s bank account, wasn’t it?”
“Yeah, it’s the bank account where my share of the inheritance was deposited when he died, and all the profits that are deposited from the businesses he left for the family.”
“How much do you have left?”
“Everything! Mostly” Buck shrugged.
“Wait. Everything?! Buck! That’s millions and…”
“I never needed it, Maddie. Grandpa died a few months after I ran away from Hershey; I was already far from here and with a job. At first, after the lawyer managed to get in touch with me, I didn’t want to use the money. I wanted to live and support myself without the help of our family, to show myself that I didn’t need anyone but me.” Buck took a sip of wine and sighed. “And after that, I don’t know, I honestly didn’t need the money. The jobs I took around the world always paid enough to keep me going. I could buy clothes and food, I always had a place to sleep; I didn’t lack anything, so I didn’t use a single dollar of that money. I guess I just forgot, you know? Like I knew it existed, I knew I had the inheritance value and the company profits being deposited every month…I just, I didn’t think about them, I didn’t count on that money to support me.”
“I can’t believe you never used anything. I lost almost everything; Doug bought that huge and ridiculously expensive house, he managed all the money, and when I finally got the courage to run away from him, I managed to get some money out and ran away. After he died, I used what little was left in my account to rent and furnish that apartment.”
“But now it’s just your money, Maddie. Doug may have spent our grandpa’s wealth, but the monthly profit that’s deposited is now yours alone. He can’t use that money anymore; only you can.”
“I know, but sometimes I stop to think about it all and I get so angry, you know? If I hadn’t been so dumb and blind none of this would have happened.”
“Maddie, you can’t keep blaming yourself for the things Doug did. Leave him in the past where he belongs.”
“You’re right. Let’s forget about Doug. Let’s go back to your house; are you excited? Have you told the others?”
“More excited than I thought I would be, but I haven’t told anyone yet, you know, except you.”
“Not even Eddie?”
“No, not about the house and not about the inheritance. But it’s something I’m going to tell everyone as soon as I decide on which property I’m buying. I talked to Carla earlier; she’s staying with Bella tomorrow morning while I take a look at the properties]. I told her I had a few things to take care of and she always comes here after dropping Chris off to class anyway.”
“Oh shit, I’m so mad I have a shift tomorrow; I would love to be able to go with you.”
“I would love that too, but hey, you can help me decorate!”
“I can’t wait!”
House hunting was…definitely more fun than Buck had imagined.
Fun aside, he was concerned with analyzing each house with extreme care, ensuring that at the end of the day he would have decided on the perfect option; the house that would be his daughter’s home, where she would grow up and be raised with all of the love that Buck had dreamed of receiving from his parents, where she would run around and have fun without worrying about being punished just for being a kid. And not just Bella; he also wanted a space where his friends would feel welcomed, a backyard with a good space for lunches and barbecues with the 118, a pool big enough for the kids to play in, and most of all, a place where Christopher would feel happy. t Buck could never choose a house without thinking about Chris and Eddie.
For a long time, Buck’s home had been them; no matter where they were, Buck felt at home whenever he was with Chris and Eddie.
Now, he wanted a place where Chris and Eddie would feel at home, would feel like they belonged. Because they did.
