Today, all three seasons of Avatar: The Last Airbender are up on U.S. Netflix, and I expect the internet will soon be buzzing once again about the show that some of us (correctly) hold as the greatest of all time. With quarantines still keeping us all at home, and the country’s collective conscience scrambling for knew things to binge, this is a great opportunity for those who haven’t seen the show since childhood to give it a rewatch, as well as for new viewers to experience its magic for the very first time.

I, a true believer, have of course watched the show every year since it finished its run back in 2006, and I thought with this new wave of binging ahead of us, I might as well put that time to good use for the public. But what to write about? A deep dive into the history and lore? Analysis of the greatest bending duels? Good ideas, sure, but there’s another topic that’s been on my mind for a long time, and now seems like the right moment to finally address it.

There are a lot of idiot guards in Avatar. Like, a lot. Every time I watch the show, I am struck by how many nameless background dudes are completely incompetent at their incredibly basic job – guarding – and for years I have pondered who the best dumb guard in the whole series is. Today, I hope to clear that up with a definitive, scientific ranking. I present to you now, The Top 7 Dumb Guards in Avatar: The Last Airbender.

A few rules before we start:

First, for the purposes of assembling a truly definitive list, I sampled not only dumb guards from Avatar, but from its sequel series, The Legend of Korra as well. This will undoubtedly draw me some flak as Korra is not as universally beloved as its predecessor, but since both shows came from co-creators Bryan Konietzko and Mike DiMartino and shared writers, directors, and even some voice talent, I’m lumping the two together to bring you the best guard-related content out there. There will be spoilers for both shows, beware.

Secondly, I will be rating each guard or guard-group in four categories: Dumbness,Guardness,Comedic Timing, and Memorability, on a scale of 1-5 for each. This is, after all, science.

Lastly, I want to throw out a few honorable mentions who, for various technical reasons, did not make the cut:

Honorable Mention: The Engineer Who gets Frozen in The Drill

This guy has no lines, contributes nothing, and is technically not a guard. But he does look very, very silly, and Katara’s amazing “Hi” after freezing the poor man solid is enough to get an honorable mention from me. It kills me every time.

Honorable Mention: Detectives Lu and Gang from KorraSeason 2

Like the last guy, these two are not technically guards, and they appear in too many episodes to qualify. In a show filled with great comic characters, most of their contributions in the laugh department I can take or leave. But they are extraordinarily dumb, and that counts for something.

Honorable Mention: Literally Serena Williams

This one deserves a shout-out solely for the queen herself, who cameoed as Uncle Iroh’s prison guard in Airbender’sthird season simply because she was a big fan of the show. She cannot be on this list, as this is a list for dumb guards and not queens, but I include her here so we can all remember this beautiful moment in pop culture history.

Honorable Mention: Aunt Wu’s Bodyguard/Butler/Secret Lover (?) in The Fortuneteller

Our last honorable mention is technically a guard, as he stands by Aunt Wu’s front door and, well, guards. He is not, however, dumb. No no no, anything but. He is a suave, devil-may-care, smokin’ fellow with all of one (maybe two?) lines, and he deserves recognition for stealing the twenty seconds of screen time he gets with his sexy self. Seriously, the two pictures I have here are the only two shots he appears in. But just look at this guy:

We must stan.

And now, to the actual list.

Number 7: The Macaroon Guys

Show:Korra               Episode: The Calling, Season 4, Episode 4

Dumbness: 3       Guardness: 2       Comedic Timing: 2        Memorability: 1

Starting off our list are these two bozos who kidnap Ikki in an attempt to find the avatar. They devise a plan to trick her into telling what she knows, but it is doomed to fail as Ikki is a clever airbending prodigy, and they are, you guessed it, a couple of dumb guards.

The main attraction here is how one of these guys finds a bag of snacks Ikki’s mom packed for her, Jinora and Meelo, and that he seems genuinely touched by the handwritten notes inside, which he somehow believes are written to him. He keeps trying to convince his Mario-ass-lookin’ to try a macaroon, and is repeatedly rebuffed. That’s good comedy.

In the end, these two are knocked out in a single blow from Jinora and Meelo. They are quite dumb, and the macaroon bit is pretty good, but sadly they overstay their welcome – unbecoming for guards – and therefore land at the bottom slot.

Number 6: The Southern Raiders Crew

Show:Airbender         Episode: The Southern Raiders, Season 3, Episode 16

Dumbness: 3        Guardness: 2       Comedic Timing: 4         Memorability: 1

The Southern Raiders is one of the darkest episodes in either show, even standing up against some of the brutal events of Korra’s later seasons. It’s a beautifully written saga about trauma, grieving, and vengeance. But don’t worry – there’s one good laugh in there too.

After discovering the location of the Southern Raiders fleet, Zuko and Katara launch a night attack on the lead ship to try to kill the man who killed Katara’s mother, who as it turns out, isn’t there. Seconds before she leaps aboard the ship’s deck, waterbending power peaked beneath the full moon and driven by revenge, we see the crew of the ship, sitting around, shootin’ the breeze. One guard, a particularly dorky looking fellow, is in the middle of a funny story, but he only gets as far as “So there I was, right?” before he is wept into the sea in a single waterbending attack.

The clip really only works in motion, and I encourage you to watch for it on your next viewing, because while this poor guard does not last nearly long enough to make it any higher on our list, that one line gets me every. Single. Time.

Number 5: The Messenger Hawk Messengers

Show: Airbender         Episode: The Beach, Season 3, Episode 5

Dumbness: 4        Guardness: 4       Comedic Timing: 2         Memorability: 2

Oh baby are these two dumb. Just barely making the top-five spot are the two fire dudes who spot Aang swimming in all his shirtless, tattooed glory. Excited at having discovered a national security threat at their incredibly dull, incredibly remote outpost, these absolute boneheads write a letter to the Firelord to clue the big man in. Sadly, their messenger hawk is intercepted by Combustion Man and never makes it to the royal palace.

The reason these guys get bumped up to number 5 is their establishing shot, where one guy fans himself gingerly while the other picks his toes with the hilt of his sword and then sniffs it. It’s classic physical comedy, and it never gets old. These guys are morons of the highest caliber, and they deserve recognition.

Also they were almost definitely killed by Combustion Man so like, you know, pour one out.

Number 4: The Earthbending-Lemur Guys

Show:Airbender         Episode: Imprisoned, Season 1, Episode 6

Dumbness: 4        Guardness: 3       Comedic Timing: 3         Memorability: 5

Textbook dumb guards here, head to toe. So, the gang’s in a town where no Earthbending is allowed, but Katara’s new friend Haru gets caught and thrown on a prison barge. Determined to save him, our heroes devise a plan to frame Katara for earthbending by having Aang levitate a boulder with a wind blast from underneath, sending her to the same prison barge to enact a rescue.

Simple, right? Except for these dumb, idiot guards who, seeing the trick play out, believe it is actually Momo the lemur, not Katara, who is earthbending. In fairness, we know that some animals do have bending abilities, and Momo does look particularly awe-inspiring in this pose:

It’s one of the most iconic moments from the show’s early episodes, frequently quoted and with good reason. The whole set up here is comedy gold, and we’re rewarded with some of the dumbest guards in the whole series. How Haru managed to get caught by these schmucks is honestly a mystery unto itself.

The only real thing holding these guys back here is that Momo, Katara and Sokka carry most of the comedy on this one. The guards are dumb, sure, but they’re only part of the equation.

Number 3: The Push-Up Guys

Show:Korra               Episode: Old Wounds, Season 3, Episode 6

Dumbness: 4        Guardness: 5       Comedic Timing: 5         Memorability: 2

I know, I know, this one’s a bit of a wildcard pick – a very brief moment from a fairly late Korra episode. But these two really exemplify the dumb guard lifestyle, and their lack of notoriety is the only thing keeping them this low on the list.

Lin Beifong is wandering the grounds in Zaofu, inspecting security, when she comes across two guards lounging against the side of a building. And in one line, these two cement themselves in the dumb guard pantheon:

          ACT I, SCENE I, enter TWO DUMB GUARDS

          Guard 1: [Leans on wall]

          Guard 2: How many push-ups did you do last night?

          Guard 1: …

          Guard 2: …because I did like fifty.

          END SCENE.

Gold. Pure gold. This, right here, is everything a dumb guard should do – guard something, be a little delinquent, deliver a good one-liner, and exit stage right. Lin immediately chastises these two for being so dumb, and so bad at guarding, and that’s the last we see of them. Sadly, this moment is rarely remembered, so it sits at the bronze medal position.

Number 2: The Pentapox Boys

Show:Airbender         Episode: Return to Omashu, Season 2, Episode 3

Dumbness: 5        Guardness: 5       Comedic Timing: 4         Memorability: 3

In our current global situation, plague-based comedy is a particularly tricky thing. Dumb guard-based comedy, however? Timeless. In this episode, the Aang Gang helps the citizens of Omashu, now conquered by the Fire Nation, escape their city by pretending to have come down with a deadly illness called pentapox. Pentapox, of course, does not exist.

When our heroes first enter the city at night, coming up through the sewers, Sokka is “attacked” by adorable creatures called purple pentapuses (pentapi?). The suckers on the pentapi’s appendages leave marks on his neck, and when the crew comes upon a group of guards, they ask what’s wrong with him.

Cute, right? “He has pentapox,” Katara says, always the quick thinker, and Sokka immediately plays along – coughing, stumbling, the whole shebang. Rather than question these mysterious children, oddly out way past curfew, our boys follow the dumb guard playbook and immediately buy the whole thing.

“I think I’ve heard of pentapox,” the leader says to his companions in a rising panic. “Didn’t your cousin Chang die of it? We’d better go wash our hands. And burn our clothes!”

It’s a hilarious moment, and while the guards exit appropriately on cue, they pop back up later to confirm to the city’s governor that yes, pentapox is real, and he should let all the citizens out. Just ask cousin Chang.

But even guards this dumb cannot claim the top spot. That blue ribbon is reserved for…

Number 1: The Birthday Boys

Show:Airbender         Episode: Sozin’s Comet Part 3: Into the Inferno, Season 3, Episode 20

Dumbness: 5        Guardness: 3       Comedic Timing: 5         Memorability: 5

Here it is – the gold medal. A set of guards any fan of the show will recognize. After capturing one of Ozai’s airships with Suki and Toph, Sokka pulls a classic Han Solo and calls the whole zeppelin crew to the bomb bay for “hot cakes and sweet cream,” to celebrate a “very special birthday.” No one questions this, despite the fact that the airship is flying to the Earth Kingdom to help burn it down. But never mind genocidal military operations, there’s a birthday to celebrate!

And that’s how we come to this scene – a beautiful comic break in the middle of the Airbender finale. Two regular guys, fully clad in masks and battle armor, making awkward small talk at a work party before plummeting into the sea. It’s almost heartbreaking when another soldier approaches, so happy that the captain remembered his birthday, only to realize seconds later as the bomb bay doors open that it was all a terrible trick.

It’s relatable, hilarious, and a desperately needed moment to breathe during a wild ride of an episode. Yes, I admit, these aren’t exactly guards in the traditional sense, but the fact that they’re voiced by the show’s two creators makes up for it, and the resulting scene is an instant classic.

And there you have it – the definitive Avatarranking everyone was clamoring for. And please, Mike and Bryan, if you’re reading this, give me a spin-off show about Aunt Wu’s doorman. He is a man of great mystery and I must know his secrets.

Lady Ramkin appeared. He got a brief, blurred vision of her bounding through the doorway, screaming, and it might’ve been the last thing he remembered if a guard hadn’t had the presence of mind to trip her up as she hurtled down the steps.

Guards! Guards! Page 320

The dragon’s diet consists of maidens of high birth. But this is Ankh Morpork and maidens are hard to find. So the day watch is sent to find the most high-born maiden in the city, Lady Ramkin. She doesn’t go quietly.

It was tricky fitting this scene into this setting and probably would work better in a letterbox format. Still, I was mostly happy with how it turned out.

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