#exerpt from my journal

the castle on the hill crumbled for good this time and it’s not my fault

no matter how much you tell yourself it is

nothing is ever invincible, not even us

no matter how much we convinced ourselves nothing could ever break us

no matter how many times we rebuilt what we’d lost just to watch it come crashing back down

sometimes i visit the lake we use to go to when one of us sad or when we wanted an excuse to smoke our lungs black or drown our livers in the alcohol we weren’t old enough to buy yet

i think about all the things we left behind and how a tiny piece of me would give anything to have it back

but darling we have taken this too far to bounce back this time

the castle on the hill came crashing down

and i refuse to go tumbling down with it.

we will be remembered, as we should

the whole of this god forsaken town already knows the story of us

people i’ve never seen before in my life still say your name when they find out mine

does it kill you knowing that they know everything?

because i cannot live with the whispers behind my back anymore

how do you like everyone knowing our secrets? our broken promises? everything we ever whispered behind closed doors when we thought no one could hear us?

did you know it would end like this?

maybe we both knew we’d go up in flames from the start

maybe we chose to ignore it

maybe we both deserve all of this

i am in love with you and i have been in love with you since i was thirteen years old. three summers have passed and the people we are now would be unrecognisable to the kids we were then but the one thing that hasn’t changed is the love i have for you. through everything, it hasn’t faded one bit.

i am in love with you. and it doesn’t matter that you don’t love me back anymore because i think that loving you saved me. when dirty hands were touching me, you’re voice was in my head telling me “no”, telling me “that boy is in love with your body and not with you, this isn’t what real love looks like”

i am in love with you and i have loved you through everything and that is okay. it’s okay it’s okay it’s okay.