#im here for you

To all the cute beautiful littles out there having a tough time or a bad day, I believe in you. You will get through this. You are stronger than you think. You might feel alone or empty, but I’m here for you <3

It’s me! You’re thinking of me! You wanted to see me and here I am for you to see. Now, you suddenly remember just how much and why you love me.

There’s the smile! The contagious smile! You see it, especially when you close your eyes and think of all of the times you put it there and you think of when you’ve neglected it and then you remember you miss it and you want it back in your life.

You think no one knows how do you feel. You think that you are alone and you are only one who is going through this. But trust me. I know how it feels. I know exactly how it feels to cry in the shower so no one can hear you and waiting to everyone fall asleep so you can fall apart for everything to hurt so bad you just want it all to end. I know exactly how it feels. You are not alone. I have got me. I’m going to do everything to make you feel better. I promise.

I really love you ♡

So… this is going to be hard for me to write, I don’t really know how to express how I’m feeling. I can’t tell people in person, for the fear they might not understand, for the fear that they will believe I’m just being silly or stupid.

Recently I just got out of a relationship, and to be honest I’m glad I got out now. Abuse comes in, many forms I suppose emotional and verbal isn’t heard of that much since it wasn’t physical. Don’t get me wrong things were amazing to start of with but as we got to know each other it became sour. I’m a person who had worked so hard to build up my confidence in speaking to people and now I feel like my hard work has been completely shattered. 

He didn’t like the way I breathed, the weight I carried, comments were always being made about it. In a conversation my opinion didn’t matter and if I wanted to speak about my day he would act bored until we went back to his subject. He called me selfish, all because I wanted to go home after a long day of hard work and that it was my fault this certain person was now left on her own on a night out. It was my fault if anything would happen to her. This is Penzance…not the hardcore streets. I had to learn how to get over things and not be so sensitive, I had to learn from my mistakes when I didn’t make any mistakes at all. I was lectured every time we met, he made me feel stupid, unwanted and not worthy of his time.  

I’m in a pretty decent job, which yet again I’ve worked hard for, we’d pass a shop which would be advertising jobs for sales assistant and he’d point that out…maybe he didn’t like me having a better job than him. 

He wouldn’t introduce me to his family which of course made me feel like he was ashamed of our relationship. It was my fault that he lost his wallet when I hadn’t even seen it in the first place, I was 50 miles away. Everything was always my fault. He was going to be late and assumed I’d be mad even though I was with my best friend, my fault that I didn’t get mad. My fault that I booked a hotel without his consent to make sure we’d actually have a place to stay for the holiday….yup that’s cancelled now.

I refuse to be some brain dead female that would bow at his feet, that is not me. Right now I’m slowly working things out, trying to let go of what has been said, but it’s hard, people say “Just forget about it.” But when you’ve had it drummed into you that you’re practically pointless…it becomes very hard. Riddled with anxiety I’m finding it hard to cope in day to day situations, sure it’s having a small effect on work, even maybe with friendships I’ve neglected. Opening up to people has become that much harder. But it’ll get better. :)

My advice if you’re going through a similar situation?…Get out before it gets worse, they’re not worth it, not worth the pain and tears that you’ve spent. Working it out will just lead you back to square one a few weeks down the line, for months I wasn’t allowed an opinion, it didn’t feel like it anyway. Be strong enough to end it because later on in life you’ll be proud of yourself for it. It will take time to get better, those words and feelings will soon disappear, that’s what I keep being told and one day you’ll be back to your normal self. Plus…loads of icecream and Disney films normally help! ;)

This post won’t get a lot of views but it was a platform for me to vent on, to release my pain and upset and if it helps one person then it’s better than none at all. 

<3 M x