#intercommunity issues
recently i’ve seen a lot of people being like “i used to identify as asexual, but then i realised i just had a lot of repression/internalised homophobia/body image issues, and once i had sorted through that, i no longer identified as asexual.”
which is, like, fine. or not fine,but it’s understandable.
exceptthey then go on to say, “THEREFORE asexuality is a harmful and #problematic orientation because it allows people to justify their repression and avoid facing up to their Real Problems bluh bluh something bluh.”
and that’s where i start to be like. uhhh. you do know an identity is not inherently flawed just because it no longer fits you, right? for example - i used to identify as bi because of compulsory heterosexuality. i was scared to face the fact that i was not even remotely into men, so i called myself bi because it was easier. does that make bisexuality a flawed identity? if a trans man initially identifies as a butch lesbian due to internalised transphobia, does that make butch lesbians “problematic”? no offence but could you people please, please think critically for once in your lives, i’m begging you
I can’t tell you how many times I have had a stranger e-mail me or comment on one of my videos to tell me that asexuality itself, and the activism I help promote, is inherently problematic because it was what they used as a cover when they weren’t in touch with themselves (or they simply made a mistake).
Somewhat recently I had an “ex asexual” write me an absolutely awful, very long message about how aces are socially repressed and he used to be one of them, and how people like me have personally contributed to harming them becausewe make them think they’re okay when they had so much work to do to find their real selves.
Do you know what the opposite of that looks like?
Asexual people being finally freed to be themselves because they have a word for who they are and an understanding for why it never felt right.
Asexual people finally having resources to leave abusive relationships or speak up for their own desires (or lack thereof) in relationships.
Asexual people who learn they don’t have to buy into the toxic messages society has been sending them since birth about what they need to desire to be okay, to be happy, to be fulfilled, and how horribly stunted and In Need Of Help they are if they “suffer” from “lack of libido” or whatever someone uninformed thinks asexuality is today.
Do you know how many people have pretended to be straight (or thought they were straight) because they either didn’t have the resources/support to admit otherwise or truly did not knowit was an option to be otherwise? There are many ways compulsory heterosexuality actually is toxic and we somehow don’t have our mainstream culture side-eyeing heterosexuals for influencing The Youth to buy into the lie that they are straight.
As the OP says, identities are not in themselves problematic. They don’t start being dangerous because someone who once used that identity later decided it didn’t fit them.
What we actually need to do is create/facilitate places and spaces where people aren’t shamed for exploring identity and won’t feel like they failed or “were tricked” if they either realize an identity was never true for them or they realize it isn’t true anymore (or that something else is truer).
It’s okay to identify as asexual on your way to understanding yourself, and to be wrong. We’re not going to send a mob out to find you and blame you for destroying our legitimacy. Labels are what we use to communicate with each other and tell each other who we are. If we realize the words are doing us a disservice, we change how we speak. It’s okay. But don’t you DARE tell asexual people that their awareness activism is hurting people because we want everyone to know it’s an option (and we want people to know what our experience is like).
It is horribly damaging to spread the lie that asexuality is more likely to be a phase that stunts people than it is to ever be the “final” label a person uses. If you found out it was wrong for you, you need to still support asexual people, and you need to use your time in the community as insight into how society treats them. You still need to make space for THEM to have THEIR journeys, and you do NOT have the right to present our community as harmful to yours because you tripped over us on your way to your true self.
Everyone can keep exploring who they are and trying on identity labels if they’re still unsatisfied. The nametags you leave on the floor are not to blame for distracting you from the ones you want pinned to your jacket. And if you won’t ever consider whether people who came to the same conclusion you did might be wrong, while you assume everyone calling themselves asexual is still looking for a “real” answer … we see who you are. We see that you’re weaponizing identity and centering your own experience in the lives of others. We see that you’re using the status quo to control and shame marginalized people. And we see that you can’t imagine asexuality except as a disorder. If you say things like this and spread these messages, know that you are just as bad as every authority who ever “diagnosed” other non-straight and non-cis identities with disorders, and know that you are making it easier for bigots to come for everyone else.
Continuing from my previous post on the aro community’s obsession with creating labels instead of addressing root issues. This time, I’ll be talking about sexuality, and/or lack thereof.
Those of you who have been active in the aro community within the past six months or so are no doubt familiar with the way asexuality is seen as the default for aros, leading those of us whoaren’tasexual (such as myself) to start advocating for ourselves more, and being firm about who we are. We’re allo aros, we’re here, and we’re going to make a place for ourselves. That’s all fine and good, but that leaves those who don’t quite fit into either box sort of left behind.
The fact is, as mentioned, asexuality is seen as the default for aromantics. You can’t just say you’re aro and have that be that, because people can, and will, assume that you’re ace. If you’re not ace, that’s so unusual that you’d better have a way to describe it! Are you straight? Gay? Bisexual? What do you mean, you’re “just” aro? Oh, so you’re a non-SAM aro, then?
In reality, everyone’s sexuality is their own business, and they shouldn’t have to disclose it to anyone, or have any specific labels if they don’t want to. For some people, they may not know exactly what their sexuality is, or they may not want to say what it is, or they may not care what it is. They should be able to say they’re aro, without any assumptions being made. Aros should be able to have, and talk about, whatever sexual attraction they do or don’t experience, without being pressured to lay out an exact description of what specifically they “are” to everyone else. Aro, as an identity, should come with no assumptions about sexuality.
Allo aros, in many ways, aren’t describing ourselves as such because we love the term allosexual. We’re describing ourselves as such because we’re tired of being assumed to be asexual. Any little bit of not fitting in with the ace community, imo, is enough to be welcome with us. But the way things are happening makes it come across as if you have to be either strictly allo or strictly ace, which leaves aros who don’t quite fit in those boxes feeling excluded*. Thus terms like non-SAM or neuaro are coined, and sure, those can be helpful to some… But they’re still clunky and overly specific terms that not everyone wants to use, yet they still feel forced to, because if they don’t, guess what’ll happen? Yup, you got it. They’ll be assumed to be ace.
“Aro” should be enough. Aro shouldn’t come with any assumptions about sexuality. But it does, and instead of coming together to change things so that asexuality is no longer assumed to be the default, the aro community is more focused on coming up with terms to describe aros who aren’t Aroace™, and then subsequently bickering about said terms. We need to address why these terms are necessary, rather than arguing about them and piling on more and more fancy bandaids that ultimately change nothing.
*Aces, don’t you dare try to use this as an excuse to criticize the allo aro community and our self-avocation. Don’t you dare try to silence us again, I’m not having it. If you have a problem with the ace/allo binary, then you need to start dismantling the whole system that led to its existence, not paint over one end and call it a day.
