[Handwritte in pink and purple: “If aroaces actually felt like addressing the root problems of a society that pushes the idea that everyone wants a relationship/family and that sex isn’t owed to anyone instead of insisting they’re the only ones who face these issues caused by rape culture and mysoginy then MAYBE we would get somewhere in worthwhile discussions”]
This is an example of hate.
Wow, I got certified! Credit me next time you take my post!
It’s just facts, though.
Like, this is legit a matter of misogyny, rape culture, and toxic masculinity (which is a byproduct of misogyny). Nothing about that is a concern unique to the asexual experience. It’s a matter of the human experience.
Plenty of “allosexual” people don’t want to have a family! The child free and VHEMT communities have been around for decades.
Not everyone, including “allos” want sex or a relationship - right now, maybe ever! Why? Plenty of reasons. I literally took about eight years off from dating and sex during early stages of my transitiong, simply because of dysphoria (it’s also not uncommon for trans people to just mentally “shut off” our feelings of sexual attraction because of dysphoria – it’s such a common reaction to dysphoria, and has many decades of documentation, I’m even willing to bet that a strong majority of asexual-identifying trans people actually aren’t asexual, and they’ll discover this at some point in the course of transitioning)
The only reason that I can imagine why there are so many asexual people who believe that these are “unique asexual experience” is some combination of unaddressed misogyny and a case of terminal uniqueness.
[“Terminal uniqueness” isn’t just common to substance abusers, but it’s frankly also a common feeling during adolescence, and most people who feel it as teenagers outgrow it.]
please share what you came up with as an explanation for why you didn’t feel sexual attraction before you knew about asexuality because i feel like every asexual has a story. like there’s the classic “i thought everyone was just joking,” but there’s also “i thought i just wasn’t trying hard enough to be attracted to people” and “i decided ‘the thought of kissing them doesn’t make me want to throw up’ was attraction.”
common questions i see from people wondering if they’re asexual or recently realized they’re asexual
***cw: mentions of sex and trauma***
“can i know i’m ace if i’m a virgin?”
yes. asexuality is about sexual attraction, not the act of sex itself. you don’t need to have had sex to know if you are sexually attracted to people.
“can i be ace if i read smut/watch porn?”
yes. being asexual has to do with sexual attraction, which is different from sex drive. you can have a high sex drive and still not be attracted to people.
“is it okay to call myself asexual if it’s because of trauma?”
personally, i don’t think there’s an issue with identifying as ace if your lack of attraction stems from trauma. you aren’t “contributing to stereotypes” by using a label that helps you understand your attraction (or lack thereof), and you deserve to feel welcome in this community.
“i relate to [abc] which i’ve heard is an asexual thing, but i’ve never experienced [xyz]. could i still be ace?”
the asexual experience is varied and complex, and you’re not going to relate to everything any other ace has been through just because you share a sexual orientation. as long as you don’t experience sexual attraction, you are asexual.
“i’ve come to terms with being asexual. how do i tell people?”
my #1 coming out tip is writing a letter instead of telling them in person. this way, you can spend time making sure it sounds the way you want it to and you don’t forget anything you want to say (which is difficult to do while you’re talking, especially if you’re nervous), and it gives the person you’ve told time to process the new information and be able to think about how they want to respond. i would definitely recommend giving them a definition of asexuality if you don’t think they know what it means, and be prepared to answer their questions, though of course, you don’t need to answer anything that’s invasive or makes you uncomfortable.
you know what? i like being asexual. asexuality is good. using the label asexual makes me happy. i am comfortable being asexual and i wouldn’t change if i had the choice.
tip for anyone questioning if they’re asexual: if reading about people’s experiences with being ace consistently makes you think, “but doesn’t everyone feel like that?” you’re probably not allosexual
it’s weird how some people assume every asexual completely avoids every form of media with sexual content. aside from the fact that lack of sexual attraction ≠ hating sex, just because someone likes reading about or watching something doesn’t mean they want to do that in real life. i like reading about hybrid animal species, but i don’t want to become a liger breeder. my favorite books are a series of unfortunate events, but i don’t want to go to a boarding school where i live in a tin shack filled with crabs. i love learning about ancient rome, but i definitely don’t want to live there. so why can’t aces like watching r-rated movies?
people think asexuals often don’t really understand sexual tropes in movies/books/shows because we’re ~innocent little babies uwu~ but it’s actually because their believability usually relies on the assumption that the audience knows what sexual attraction feels like
we are allowed to like being asexual. we are allowed to enjoy asexual experiences. we are allowed to be proud of being asexual. we are allowed to love asexuality.
the romantic attraction that allo-aces experience is as important and real and significant as the romantic attraction that alloromantic allosexuals experience
discovering you’re asexual can feel really lonely and isolating. so let’s all share our favorite things about being ace! i’m glad it’s made me learn about different types of attraction, because i understand myself a lot better now than i did before realizing i was asexual. i also love how welcoming and supportive the asexual community is.
kinda weird how even though amatonormativity and everything in our society being sexualized negatively affects everyone, asexuals and aromantics are ignored whenever we try to bring attention to these things
sexual attraction is far from what distinguishes us from other animals. it doesn’t make anyone’s life complete and it doesn’t stop people from being lonely or unhappy.
so how could not experiencing sexual attraction make you broken?
Continuing from my previous post on the aro community’s obsession with creating labels instead of addressing root issues. This time, I’ll be talking about sexuality, and/or lack thereof.
Those of you who have been active in the aro community within the past six months or so are no doubt familiar with the way asexuality is seen as the default for aros, leading those of us whoaren’tasexual (such as myself) to start advocating for ourselves more, and being firm about who we are. We’re allo aros, we’re here, and we’re going to make a place for ourselves. That’s all fine and good, but that leaves those who don’t quite fit into either box sort of left behind.
The fact is, as mentioned, asexuality is seen as the default for aromantics. You can’t just say you’re aro and have that be that, because people can, and will, assume that you’re ace. If you’re not ace, that’s so unusual that you’d better have a way to describe it! Are you straight? Gay? Bisexual? What do you mean, you’re “just” aro? Oh, so you’re a non-SAM aro, then?
In reality, everyone’s sexuality is their own business, and they shouldn’t have to disclose it to anyone, or have any specific labels if they don’t want to. For some people, they may not know exactly what their sexuality is, or they may not want to say what it is, or they may not care what it is. They should be able to say they’re aro, without any assumptions being made. Aros should be able to have, and talk about, whatever sexual attraction they do or don’t experience, without being pressured to lay out an exact description of what specifically they “are” to everyone else. Aro, as an identity, should come with no assumptions about sexuality.
Allo aros, in many ways, aren’t describing ourselves as such because we love the term allosexual. We’re describing ourselves as such because we’re tired of being assumed to be asexual. Any little bit of not fitting in with the ace community, imo, is enough to be welcome with us. But the way things are happening makes it come across as if you have to be either strictly allo or strictly ace, which leaves aros who don’t quite fit in those boxes feeling excluded*. Thus terms like non-SAM or neuaro are coined, and sure, those can be helpful to some… But they’re still clunky and overly specific terms that not everyone wants to use, yet they still feel forced to, because if they don’t, guess what’ll happen? Yup, you got it. They’ll be assumed to be ace.
“Aro” should be enough. Aro shouldn’t come with any assumptions about sexuality. But it does, and instead of coming together to change things so that asexuality is no longer assumed to be the default, the aro community is more focused on coming up with terms to describe aros who aren’t Aroace™, and then subsequently bickering about said terms. We need to address why these terms are necessary, rather than arguing about them and piling on more and more fancy bandaids that ultimately change nothing.
*Aces, don’t you dare try to use this as an excuse to criticize the allo aro community and our self-avocation. Don’t you dare try to silence us again, I’m not having it. If you have a problem with the ace/allo binary, then you need to start dismantling the whole system that led to its existence, not paint over one end and call it a day.
ace-specs who have problems with dissociation, have dissociative episodes, have a dissociative disorder, and/or are part of a system are amazing and beautiful and their asexuality is hella valid <3
hello friends! I first joined the tumbl in 2010 because this was where the asexual community lived. it has since been deliberately and systematically destroyed by the Discourse, but that’s a rant for another time. the point is, I miss having that community — I’m 30 now, and feeling the lack of it in a way I haven’t since I first found the word in college.
I’m wondering if anyone knows where I can find my fellow asexuals these days? are there forums still? is aven still even a thing? are we hanging out on discord? what blogs should I be following? are there ace writing groups? because I would fuckin love me an asexual writing group, be it fan or original fiction. literally where my people at?
thanks babes!
There are still blogs like mine that weathered the hate and i know of a few discord communities but nothing as wide spread as I recall back in 2010.
I think this means what we need to do is go around and drag everyone who was around in 2011 out of retirement and get them back here for one last heist.
1) AVEN is still a thing but plenty of people use other spaces/it’s not as much of a monolith as it probably used to be. There’s other groups now like TAAAP(this specifically links to their page with other ace & aro groups/resources)
2) there’s definitely stuff on discord but I don’t particularly have recommendations. https://disboard.org is a website where you can generally search for discord servers by topic (like “Asexual”) but it can be a bit hit or miss.
3) you might want to check out carnival of aces for writing stuff, there’s monthly prompts people write for. Also there’s generally zines that pop up every now and then.
4) in terms of public social media spaces, tumblr is probably the best at this point, Twitter is like 5 years behind us and more discourse-y. I don’t have specific blog recs but if you search “Asexual” (or “actually asexual” to help avoid off topic stuff) you can probably find blogs you’d like. (Also filtering by recent is generally good when you want blogs that are actually active)
5) there’s definitely ace & aro fandom specific servers for some fandoms if you’re into fanfiction stuff, though they may not be particularly active or easy to find.
Also you only mentioned asexual so I’ve only listed asexual or general a-spec stuff that I’m aware of; if you also have interest in aromantic stuff, I can suggest more resources (I interact more with the aro community than the ace one).
