#jaunes father au
Jaune:*Stunned by Pyrrha kissing him*
Pyrrha:*About to shove Jaune in the rocket locker*
Jaune:*Feels Pyrrha’s hands on his chest, misinterprets and shoves his tongue down Pyrrha’s throat*
Pyrrha:*Eyes open in shock*MMMMPPPHHH!!!!!*Flustered by her naughtiest dreams coming true*
Jaune:*Enjoying the kiss, grabs and squeezes Pyrrha’s asscheeks*
Pyrrha:*Squeals, tries to push Jaune off*
Jaune:*Thinking Pyrrha’s about to push him into the locker and run off to die, panics*
Pyrrha:*Pyrrha’s brain shuts down as Jaune’s thigh rubs against her core, loses the ability to stand upright*
Jaune:*Spins, pushes a dazed Pyrrha in the locker and sets it off*
Pyrrha:*Already three hundred feet from Jaune* W-what, no! No! NOOOO!!! *Incredibly angry* Gosh flipping darnit girl, you l-let him get you all riled up and now he’s going to get himself killed!
—————–
Jaune:*In an elevator* This is officially the stupidest idea you’ve ever had! Even worse than the stuff with Cardin, worse than the Deathstalker, worse than the time you took the blame for Coral breaking the window and somehow, someway, worse than the time you let Saphron put you in a dress, do your makeup and practice kissing a ‘girl’!
Elevator:*Shakes ominously*
Jaune:*Pale* I mean you just had your first realkiss with a girl, you felt her ass up and holy gods does Pyrrha have a nice, tight, big one, you’re still hard as diamonds and instead of running from the school that literally had a holeburnt through it by some kind of fucking firebreathing Grimm abomination, you go in! *Elevator goes into freefall*
Elevator:*Jaune’s screams replace screeching metal, crashes*
Jaune:*Climbs out, unharmed but aura has shattered* There’s got to be a limit, Jaune! Sure I turned Pyrrha to putty in my hands but that should not translate into running headfirst into certain death! Stupid Dad and his stupid advice! *Is hit in the head by a cane* Fucking ow! What the shit!?
*Witnesses Ozpin firing a gout of emerald fire that clashes with two huge streams of fire from the hot Haven girls hands*
Jaune:Oh what the fuck.And here I thought walking the walk was gonna be cool. Stupid Pyrrha. *Ducks underneath a scintillating jade orb thrown by Ozpin which vaporizes the elevator leaving nothing behind, in a falsetto* ‘Oh I’ll just kiss him and he’ll be so surprised and then I’ll shove him in a locker and go do something that’ll probably get myself killed. Teehee!’ *Breathes out* Not that I’m doing any better. The hot but apparently crazy Haven chick can fucking fly and - is that a tornado, ohhhh I’m gonna die - and Ozpin’s…
*Sees Amber*
Jaune: Is going to go to prison because this is a sex dungeon. Okay, Okay, you’re cool. Sure it was unanimously decided Pyrrha was going into the singles portion of the tournament and you nearly broke your neck twice getting down here, but something tells me sad Pyrrha has something to do with this. *Pauses*Which makes me wanna punch Ozpin, but question the pedo headmaster after you help!
*Sees Ozpin get a glass spear through the left lung*
Jaune:*Quickly* Or not. Okay, she’s monologuing, that’s good. Sneak, sneak, sneak-sneak-sneak. Blah, blah, magic? Really lady? Add delusional on top of crazy. Just get in closer, give her a nice kick to the ass and Ozpin will use his weird green themed semblance to obliterate her. *Hears Pyrrha mentioned* Ignore the urge to kick the dying sicko in the nuts, just focus on hurting the crazy chick who was apparently gonna kill my sorta-kinda-maybe girlfriend. Just nice, slowly, easily, quietleee– *trips over his shoelace* –EEEEEEYYYOOOOPPPP!!!
Cinder:*Coughs wetly, stares at the sword sticking through her chest* H-how…?
*Cinder falls on top of Ozpin, her body crushed between the Headmasters and the shellshocked Jaune’s*
Ozpin:*Confused and dying* Mr. Arc?
Jaune:*High pitched* IswearIonlymeanttokickherintheasssoyoucouldfinishhereoff!
Ozpin:*Coughs*I believe you. Unfortunately it was not to be. You pierced her straight through the heart.
Jaune: I didn’t mean to?
Ozpin:And in doing so you’ve saved miss Nikos from a terribly cruel fate.
Jaune:Oh. That’s good. I’m pretty sure that if she hadn’t tried to shove me in that stupid rocket locker there’s at least a 50% chance Pyrrha would’ve jumped my bones, Grimm invasion or not.
Ozpin:*Groans in dismay* Only to quite possibly doom yourselfto one.
Jaune:*Suddenly at full attention* You say what now?
Ozpin:You’ve stabbed me as well. *Sees Jaune about to speak* You’ve stabbed my other lung, young man.
Jaune:I-I’m sorry?
Ozpin: Not yet you aren’t. Usually when I reincarnate it’s some unlucky, random bastard. But you’ve imprinted on me.
Jaune:What.
Ozpin: I’m an immortal wizard who, when he dies, his soul and consciousness along with all his memories are transferred into a new man’s preexisting body.
Jaune:*Panicking* I don’t want you in my head, headmaster! On the off chance you’re not just a nasty pedophile, I really don’t want you in my head! I don’t think you wanna be there either! *Ozpin doesn’t respond* Professor?*Still nothing*Headmaster!*Ozpin is dead, Jaune* Ozpin you old fuck, don’t you dare, I don’t wanna hear your voice when I’m deep dicking my hot redheaded partner!
Ozpin:*Body explodes into green motes of light which Jaune inhales*
Jaune:AAAHHH, I DON’T CONSET, I DON’T CONSENT!
—————–
Pyrrha:*Bringing dat ass back, clapping his groin* Oh Jaune, oh gods yes I love it, I love your cock so-s-s-somuch!*Twists and twirls her booty on his cock* Oh f-fuck, I’m gonna cum agaaaaaiiinn!!
Jaune:*Going hard, closing in*
Pyrrha:Oh yes, please, harder, I’m gonna cum all over that delicious Arc meat again and o-o-oh shit, fuck yes Jaune, fill your slutty Nikos bitch up with your hot jizz!
Ozpin:*Mentally*She’d be cumming harder if you did what I suggested.
Jaune:*Mentally, trying to focus on Pyrrha’s voice and the image of her* Shut up. This is me time you parasite and I don’t care how long you’ve lived, I don’t need advice from the guy who’s ex is out to end the world.
Ozpin:*Mentally*I’m just saying, miss Nikos is a natural born sub. Placing your foot on her head and giving her what I’m telling you she absolutelywants by degrading her, lambasting her the way she does herself and I guarantee you the rewards will be worth it. I know you’ve been eying her anus for quite some time now, give her what she wants–
Jaune:*Mentally, pushes in deeper which makes Pyrrha wail* I knew I couldn’t trust you to shut up! ‘Oh no, the time you spend with miss Nikos will be your own, I’m just an old soul here to help you fight my batshit crazy ex’ and now you’re trying to live vicariously through me! *Eyes widen as Pyrrha spreads her cheeks, lying facefirst on the bed and moaning*
Ozpin:*Mentally, smugly*Oh of course. You certainly don’t want advice from a man who has slept with literally thousands of women. She’s cumming, by the way.
Pyrrha:Ooooohhhh gods, yesyesyesyesyesyesyesI’m fucking cummiiiiiinnnngggg!!!!!!!!! Fuck, fuck, fuuuu~uuuck you’re so fucking gooooood!!!!!
Jaune:*Cumming his brains out*
Ozpin:*Mentally*Good to see you plan on following my advice next round, Jaune. If you feel like paying me back, you could always just tell Pyrrha that you’ve gone through my memories and developed a taste for hardcore, mistress of pain BDSM.
Jaune:*Mentally, lying on Pyrrha’s pronebone body, still inside as they both recover* This is all Dad’s fault. No amount of badass magic is worth this.
——————————————————————————
I wanted one of these to have the advice backfire while still working and while I thought about it being an eventual Raven Jaune’s Father, I realized Pyrrha offered the best opportunity ever in the form of Ozpin, the unwanted and overly friendly brain ghost.
Hopefully any hardcore Arkos fans reading this don’t mind this one being the lewder, screwier one.
Jaune:*Thinking Cinder is super intense in addition to super hot*
Jaune:*Wondering what the big deal is about proving yourself the strongest*
Jaune:*Hips don’t lie, especially Cinder’s in her cargos*
Jaune:*She’s really hot but never shuts up*
Jaune:*Wants to ask her out but now she’s talking about how she thinks the Huntsmen of today are too passive*
Jaune:*Really has had enough of this; engaging Daddy Arc advice*
Cinder:–To the point where if it were to be challenged, if it were to be pushed with just the right amount of force and subterf–ggrrkk!! *Jaune puts just enough force in his chokehold to silence her*
Cinder:*Wide eyed in disbelief*
Jaune:*Serious face*
Emerald:*Blushing furiously, deeply offended* Hey, what the fuck do you think you’re doing!?
Mercury:*In awe* What I’ve wanted to do during every one of her speeches.
Emerald:*Furious but speechless* C-Cinder, do you want me too–
Jaune:*Very seriously, making eye contact* Cinder. I like that you’re so opinionated and passionate about things, but when I said ‘what’s up’ I was kinda aiming more in the direction of small talk. *Adjusts chokehold, leans closer* So. Me. You. Dinner?
Cinder:*Dumbfounded, but really really turned on,shakes her head*
Emerald: You see!? Take your hand off of her right now!
Jaune:*Disappointed, confidence gone* O-oh, okay. Uh, really sorry. *Chokehold starts to loosen*
Cinder:*Strangled, weakly* Don’t you dare. *Grabs Jaune by the collar, opens Team CMENs dorm and yanks him in, slightly muffled* Now when I say ‘choke me harder, Daddy’ you best hope I can’t breathe or I promise you your first cumshot will be on the sheets instead of inside all of this!
Emerald:*Shocked beyond belief*C-C-Cinder!?
Mercury:*Snorts, grabs Emerald by the back of her collar* I knew it. Come on Em, I definitely don’t wanna hear this.
Emerald:*Distressed and whining, thrashing*
—————–
Jaune Arc: And that’s how I met your mother!
Cinder Arc: *Face is red, neck is red, ears are red, eyes are wide and in disbelief*
Ashley “Ash” Arc: *The blonde haired, amber eyed girl is horrified and a little green, shrieks* Dad!
Brand Arc:*Realizes something, goes pale* W-wait a second, that was 22 years ago.
Jaune:*Puts arm around Cinder, who’s facepalmed to hide her humiliation before her children* Yup! 22 long and beautiful years of romance, fire, passion, your Mom betraying Salem like a boss, unexpected declarations of love born from really kinky sex, fire and an unhinged yandere!
Brand:*Slowly*22 years, Dad. *Growing anger* Is that how I was conceived!? You choking out Mom while doing…well, that!? *Visibly disgusted*
Ash:*Immediately gags, puts hair behind her back*
Jaune:*A bit slowly* Uh, yeah? I mean accidentally knocking her up wasn’t really the reason she betrayed the Queen of the Grimm, but it led to it!
Brand:*Gapes, explodes* Gah! I can’t believe you! *Stomps out the house, slams the door*
Ash:*Stands, a bit weakly* I-I…I think I’m gonna go lie down and beat it into my brain to never ask you any personal questions ever again. *Walks off, swaying slightly*
Jaune:*Blinks*What? They asked!
Cinder:*From behind her palm* And you didn’t think to make something up, Jaune Gaius Arc?
Jaune:Pffft. What, and lie to them? Nope. That’s not something this guy does.
Cinder:*Finally looks up, stares deadpan at her husband* You were conceived because as much as your mother loves anal, at the time she had no interest in your father cumming inside her asshole and at the last second, pulled him out and shoved him right into her pussy.
Jaune:AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA–
~~15 minutes later~~
Cinder:So now you understand whymy baby boy and girl didn’t want to hear anything but something fake, and romantic?
Jaune:*Suffering from PTSD* Y-yeah. I uh, just thought they’d…everybody knows your story and I didn’t wanna lie.
Cinder:Mhmm. And what are you going to do when Brand comes home and your teenage daughter feels brave enough to come out of her room?
Jaune:*Resolutely*Wing it again and hope that taking them to their favorite restaurant takes their mind off of their parents being kinky mofos!
Cinder:*Opens her mouth to protest, but sighs and shrugs* Good enough. Oh and Jaune?
Jaune:*Winces at the tone of her voice* Yes sweetheart?
Cinder:*Eyes staring directly at him, face crumples* Please don’t embarrass me like that ever again! It’s bad enough I have to put up with Yang “I’m still in the prime of my life, bay-bee!” Xiao Long still making jokes at my expense but I really want my children to respect me at the end of the day!
Jaune:*Laughs awkwardly, pats her on the back gently* H-heh, sure thing Cinder. *Struck with inspiration* Hey, we could make out and they could walk in on youchoking out me!
Cinder:*Begins beating Jaune to death with a throw pillow as her face burns in embarrassment*
Ruby:*Giving Jaune the gluk-gluk 3000*
Jaune: Fuck princess, that is so good. *Gluk intensifies* Now for some of what every good princess needs, a little pea–
~~Three Weeks Later~~
Jaune: And that’s why I haven’t gotten my dick sucked in nearly a month.
Sun: You played with fire my friend and unfortunately, you weren’t just burned but outright incinerated.
Mercury: And for what? ‘Peashooter’? What are you, fucking stupid? Sleep deprived?
Yang: *Begging, thoroughly traumatized by the intimate knowledge of Ruby’s suckgame* Fuck, can we just play cards!?
——————————————————————————
This started out much cuter with a princess carry but it’s 5:01 AM and I can’t sleep despite really wanting to. At least this Jaune’s Father thing is fun to write.
Yang:*Chatting amicably with Blake before Combat class*
Jaune:*Walks hurriedly up to RWBY*
Weiss:*Focused on her scroll* Whatever it is, Arc, I’m not interested.
Jaune: *Frantically taps Yang’s shoulder*
Yang:*Turns* Yeah, whaddaya need vomit boy?
Jaune:*Pulls out Yang’s top and stares into her cleavage*
Yang:
Weiss:
Blake:
Ruby:
Yang:*Finally is able to speak* Okay, what in THE ACTUAL FUCK–
Jaune:*Still staring* Sorry, just checking to see if I have erectile dysfunction. *Lets Yang’s top snap back into place* Good news, I don’t! *Smiles winningly and walks away*
Yang:*Mouth hanging open* Holy shit why was that so fucking smooth?
