#this is what happens when you let a drunk type

Nala Arc:*Jaune’s sixteen year old daughter with thick blonde hair pulled back in a low pony, blonde cat ears atop her head with her grandfather Ghira’s yellow eyes* –Yes Daddy.

Jaune:*Very seriously* And you’ve got your scroll.

Nala:*Shows it off*Yup.

Jaune: Your purse?

Nala:*Rolls eyes*Duh.

Jaune:And your pepper spray, mace, rape whistle and extra ammo?

Nala:*Sighs* Yes, yes, of course and even if I tried to leave the dust out you’d find a way to smuggle it in anyways, Daddy.

Jaune: *Ignores the sass* Okay, good. Good.  And you have–

Nala:*Growing impatient*–Yes,Dad,I have Pride. *Shows off twin automatic pistols in black and gold, connected by a thin gold chain and shifts it into weighted chain form before reshifting and holstering it*

Jaune:Okay, Dormiens Leo?

Nala:*Stomps foot* Dad, c’mon! I’m not taking my freaking sword on my first date!

Jaune:*Hands up, backtracking* Right, yeah, of course sweetpea! *Pauses*

Nala:*Stares at her father cautiously*

Jaune:Are you sure you don’t wanna wear the belt I bought you?

Nala:*Explodes* No! It looks nice, it looks normal, it’s super flippin’ cute but I know you had it custom made, I know it’s a high tech chastity belt that locks as soon as you put it on and only you have the code to it! Besides, I’m not even t-thinking about having that, about having s-sex with Dutch! *Blushing*

Jaune:*Gapes* W-who told you–

Nala:*Grumbling, not looking him in the eye*Mom.

Blake:*Entering the room, wiping her hands with a towel and tossing it on the table* And I’d do it again. Because, Jaune, youare overreacting.

Jaune:B-but she’s going on a date! With a boy!

Blake:*Cocks eyebrow* Mmm. So if it was a girl then it’d be okay?

Jaune:What? No! Boy or girl, doesn’t matter! *Hugs an irritated Nala fiercely* She’s my baby girl! She’s d-d– *whispers* dating, Blake!

Blake:*Smiling*Uh-huh. And she’ll continue to date. One day - when she’s ready - she’ll even have sex. *Jaune whines and Nala turns into a tomato* But right now, you big baby, our little girl is going on her first date. She is being verysafe, especially when you take into consideration that our daughter is highly trained, has two weapons and her King’s Flare semblance makes every fire semblance we’ve ever come across look like matchsticks. *Peels Jaune off of Nala*

Nala:*Embarrassed*Mooom!

Blake:*Fixes her daughters top, smoothes out her hair* She has her guns, she has common sense and honestly honey, she has my brains.

Jaune: *Long pause* I kinda think that last one mighta been an insult, but I do have to agree with you there.

Blake: Besides, Dutch is an athlete, not a Huntsman. No aura. You need to calm down.

*Jaune mutters mutinously, crossing his arms and Nala sighs and hugs her mother*

Nala: Thanks Mom. *Stands in front of Jaune, fidgets*Daddy?

Jaune:*Dramatic sigh* Ugghhh, I hate it when your mom makes sense. *Hugs Nala who squeezes him and puts her head on his shoulder* Just…have fun, okay? Don’t stay out too late, don’t do anything you don’t want to and you’re, uh…

Nala:*Rolls her eyes* It’s that neo-Valean restaurant near Auntie Nora and Uncle Lie’s neighborhood. If Dutch turns out to be a jerk, Auntie Nora will probably wind up leveling the place.

Jaune:*To Blake* Maybe we should give Ren the heads up instead of miss ‘Goddess of Boom’.

Blake:*To Jaune* Already called him. He has Nora busy with the twins tonight. *Smiles as Jaune kisses her cheek*

*The parents watch their daughter fuss over her hair, reapply lip gloss and fidget with her top, her ears twitching all the while and the door opens to an athletic young man with brown hair and dark green eyes*

Nala:*A few minutes later* –good that you all met, but we’re gonna miss the movie if we don’t go to dinner now. *Smiles brightly* C’mon, Dutch!

Dutch:*Grins, blushing a bit* Right, Nala. *To Blake* Bye Mrs. Arc. *To Jaune, winces* M-Mr. Arc. It was really nice to meet you. *Jaune just nods with a smile* I’llhaveherbackbytenbye!

Blake:

Jaune:

Blake:You just had to pull the whole ‘I am Paladin, Slayer of Salem’ thing, didn’t you.

Jaune:*Crosses arms petulantly* I have no idea what you mean, Blake.

Blake:*Rolls her eyes* Oh sure. Because you’re usually stern, terrifying and pushing your aura out to create killing intent.

Jaune:*Annoyed*If I was it must’ve just been instinct since he was checking of my sweet little girls behind.

Blake:*Snorts*

Jaune:*Whining*Blaaake! It’s not funny! She doesn’t even have your ass–

Blake: Oh she does. Just not my hips. Plus she’s more petite like your sister, Celeste.

Jaune: Nope, stop. But even still, that little fucker–

Blake:Is a teenage boy who thought he was being subtle. Who probably hasn’t asked out a future Huntress before, let alone the daughter of two veterans, even less two of the most talented swordspeople alive. *Takes Jaune’s hand and rubs a circle into his palm with her thumb* I know Nala growing up like this is making you a little crazy because of all your sisters and the fact that you were once a teenage boy, but have a little faith in our daughter.

Jaune:*Rubs face with free hand* Yeah, yeah, I know. I don’t like it though.

Blake:*Flippantly*And neither do I, Jaune, but it’s a part of being parents. We’re lucky Nala’s so even tempered and just skipped right over the teenage rebellion phase and isn’t just embarrassed by us. She’s a good girl. *Pauses, starts leading Jaune into the house* Or would you rather her be more Neptune and Dew’s girl?

Jaune:*Winces*No!*Grouchily* I just never thought letting her grow up would be so…

Blake:*Squeezes his hand* I know. But you got your licks in. And when Dutch brings our baby home, it’ll be his turn to worry about me. *Cuts off Jaune’s dumb grin* But until then…

Jaune:*Slumps* Blake, I don’t wannado yard work. *Blinks as Blake sits on his lap* Oh. Ohhhhh. No, I’m definitely up for this task, ma’am. *Squeezes Blake’s ass*

Blake:*Smirking, leans in for a kiss* I figured.

—————————————————————————–

I figured that if anybody would be both the cool parent and the responsible, easy to reason with but still every bit as protective one, it’d be Blake. And Knightshade’s a fun couple to explore although I like reading it better than writing it. Since other people do it better.

But I did have fun coming up with Nala Arc as a character. Named after the female lion from The Lion King that has a fair bit of meaning behind said name in the first place (I believe it’s Swahili for ‘Gift’). A weighted chain/pair of automatic pistols called Pride, plus a Nimcha sword named ‘Sleeping Lion’ in Latin (the name of the Lion King Keyblade from Kingdom Hearts II) and a semblance named after the Link Summon for Simba from Kingdom Hearts III (which works the same way: Nala becomes engulfed in fire, exudes fire and can cause loads of damage while active).

Jaune:*Nervously* Do you think she’ll notice?

Nora:*Stares at the rolling head of Pyrrha’s brass statue*Naaaaah.

Ren: Jaune, I say this with no ill will, but yes, I do think Pyrrha’s mother will notice.

Jaune: Dammit! I knew I should’ve waited until I got back to Saphron’s to tie my shoe!

Ren:What.

Yang:*Pacing, biting nail* Where is he!? He stood me up, didn’t he? That ass!

Weiss:*Sighs*It’s only 9:01, Yang.

Ruby:Yeah! He knows our movie just ended and ever since Marvelous comics started putting movies out, he sits through the credits!

Weiss:Ugh.

Ruby:*Spins immediately, finger touching a shocked Weiss’ nose* They’re important to the story and if you skip them you are an agent of chaos!

Blake:*Very hungry* Last week you ate every single one of the chocolate-chocolate chip cookies and so nobody would notice you put the oatmeal raisin in their place.

Ruby:*Resolutely*I have no memory of such an incident.

Blake:You’re still serving detention.

Weiss:*Moves Ruby’s finger* And Professor Goodwitch is seriously considering paying for a dietician out of her own pocket after she discovered that you really ate every single last one of them.

Ruby:*Nervous but determined* You will not frighten me with your words, Weiss!

Weiss:*Rolls eyes and gives up*

Yang:*Adjusting jacket, looking at her new tank top* So…

Ruby:*Realizes*Oh, right! You’re you, Yang! No way is Jaune standing you up! Just you wait!

~~20 minutes later~~

Jaune:*Runs up dressed in a nice shirt and jeans, panting* S-Sorr…sorry I’m late, Yang.

Yang:*Irritated and a bit hurt* Finally! We nearly missed our reservation, what the hell took you so long? *Pauses*You dick.

*RWB starts to move, ready to leave the two although Weiss rolls her eyes, mutters something and then yelps when Ruby elbows her in the ribs*

Jaune:*Taking deep breaths* I got lost.

Weiss:*Can’t help herself* What!? How!? The directions she gave you were so simple a child could’ve managed!

Yang:Yeah, lover boy, what gives? East Mar and Mallo street! What’s the friggin’ complication?

Jaune:*Stands, but blinks in confusion* Wha–east?I thought you said weast!

Weiss:

Ruby:*Facepalm*

*Blake is halfway to the restaurant at this point*

Yang:*Astonished, takes a deep and cleansing breath after a moment and then grins brightly, squishing his arm between hers and her boob* Jaune, you have no idea how lucky you are to be so damn handsome.

Jaune:*Very confused but also flattered*

Jaune:*Coming out of bedroom completely naked* Well the good news is I think I got the last of the cum out of your lingerie, Weiss. *Holding delicate, tiny, one piece lingerie while holding it between two fingers*

Weiss:*Chokes*

Jaune: Oh come on, it’s not that… *Looks up and sees Weiss, her team, her sister, her mother, Nora and her child, Coco and Velvet and Elm all staring at him, dressed up and sitting around eating a fancy brunch*

Nora:*Covering little Freya’s eyes* No pumpkin, don’t look at Uncle Jaune’s peepee. *Glaring at Jaune*

Ruby:Oh boy, don’t look at  your male besties dick, Ruby Rose.

Willow:*Wide eyed but refusing to look at anything but her non-alcoholic coffee* Oh my.

Winter:*Bright red* A-a-ah, u-um, sister!?

Yang:*Whistles*How the hell does he fit that inside lil’ ol’ Weiss?

Blake:*Trying to cover Yang’s eyes as Yang holds her away one handedly* No, don’t look at his dick, Yang, we’re married!

Yang:*Blows raspberry, laughing*

Coco:*Puts down finger sandwich while sighing sadly*

Velvet:*Gaping*

Elm:*To Weiss* Damn girl. *Puts fist up*Respect.

Weiss:*Crimson, ignoring everybody* Jaune Schnee-Arc, what do you think you’re–coveryourselfthisinstant!

Jaune:*Still standing, staring, lingerie between two fingers*

Weiss:*Finally notices everybody else staring, blushes harder and clenches fist while shaking* You dunce! T-this isn’t what it looks like, ladies!

Yang:*Grinning smugly, eyes covered by a panting and exhausted Blake* Mhmm. We get you, Weiss. Bow-chika-wow-wow!

Weiss:*Wants the earth to swallow her whole as she now notices her mother sneaking peaks*

Jaune:*Looks from everybody, back to the bedroom he was in and speaks, genuinely baffled* How long was I in there!?

Juniper Arc: *Lying on Coco’s stomach, looking up at her* You know, they say when you lay like this on your girlfriend, you can hear the ocean.

Coco:*Puzzled, running hands through Juniper’s hair*

Juniper:*Picks her head up, lies back down on Coco’s stomach but is facing her groin* But if you lay like this, you can smell the ocean.

~~Outside Team CFVY’s Room~~

Juniper:*Through the door* Aaaahhhh, I give, I give! Anything but the Boston Crab! I’m tapping, I’m tapping!

Coco:*Through the door* Cheeky little shit, aren’t you!?

Velvet:*Staring at Fox and Yatsuhashi*

Fox and Yatsuhashi:*Staring at Velvet*

Velvet:So, you guys up for barbecue tonight? *Walks away*

Fox: Yes please.

Yatsuhashi:*Nodding* It is the trait of a wise leader to know when to retreat, Velvet.

Coco:*Through the door* Who’s laughing now!?

Juniper:*Through the door* Why do I never leeeaaarrrnnn!!!???

——————————————————————————   

I’ve never really liked the Joan/Jeanne naming convention for genderbent Jaune. Jaune is already meant to sound like both, so it just seems odd. So my genderbent Jaune Arc goes by Juniper. Not much more creative, but Team JNPR does become Team ANVL (Arc,Nikos,Valkyrie,Lie as opposed to Jaune,Nora,Pyrrha,Ren).

Also, TikTok made me do it.

Pyrrha:*Lying on stomach doing homework*

Ruby:*Breathlessly shows up in JNPR’s open door* Pyrrha, it’s Jaune! He’s asking that Cinder girl out!

Pyrrha:*Panic* Oh no he is not! *Preparing to charge halfway across the school* Quickly, before she falls to the cute boy energy!

Jaune:*Running and screaming down the hallway, on fire*

Ruby:*Staring*Huh.*Pumps fist* Crisis averted! We forgot! If he’s not being cute, he’s being Jaune!

Pyrrha:*Realizes* Oh my gods, Jaune’s on fire! *Charges out door* Grab the fire extinguisher!

Ruby:*Panics*Right! *Zips off to her dorm*

Weiss:*Getting bodied over Ruby’s shoulder* Unhand me this instant, Ruby Rose!

Jaune:*Sees Whitley and Weiss arguing in Aisle 16, Whitley waving a ‘Buy One, Get One Free’ sign in his hand*

Also Jaune:*Lifting Whitley and putting him in the cart*

Whitley:*Has never been so shook*

Weiss: Y-you dolt! What are you doing!?

Jaune:*Holding sign* Bogo, Weiss.

Weiss:*Stammering* That…no! Pickles Jaune, pickles!

Jaune: Not what I saw. So, I decided to buy this little guy *hand on Whitley’s head*!

Whitley:*Covering his face with his hands* I want to go home now, sister.

Weiss: What! I’m your girlfriend you unbelievable ass!

Jaune:*Proud* Exactly. I buy Whitley, I get you free. *Much more seriously* I refuse to be the type of man to do something so gauche as buy a mail-order wife, Weiss.

Weiss:*Slowly goes beet red as she notices all the strangers staring*I-you-wha-no-youcan’t-w-w-w-w-w-w-wife?

Jaune:*Kisses her cheek* Love you, Snow Angel.

Weiss:*Slowly following, cheeks burning, muttering cutely* Wife? As in his bride? Was I just proposed to? I’m not ready! Oh, what kind of dress will I wear? W-wait, Jaune! This is too sudden! Jaune!? Please don’t ignore me!

Weiss:*From underneath many blankets, peeking from behind a comforter* I’m truly sorry, Arc. I had meant to assist you in your dust theory paper, but I’m not feeling terribly well.

Jaune:*Scratches head* Hey, no worries Sn- Weiss. Do you need anything? A hot compress?

Weiss:*Is glad she has a comforter for a shield as she blushes in embarrassment*How!*Coughs, in a normal tone of voice* Excuse me. How did you…

Jaune: I have seven sisters, Weiss.

Weiss:*Nods meekly, still embarrassed* A hot compress would be lovely. I feel awful.

—————– 

Yang:*Blinks* Is that vomit boy?

Blake:*Reading*You could try calling him by his name.

Yang: You could try acknowledging his existence. *Blake glares, feeling a little guilty*

Cardin:*Walking by* He needed a warm compress.

Yang: What for?

Cardin:*Feeling kinda humbled, a bit envious* Nothin’ serious.

—————– 

Jaune:*Taking box* Thanks Coco, you’re a lot less scary than Poppy said you were.

Coco:*Lowers her shades* Oh, did snookums slander my good name?

Jaune:*Feels his neck get hot* U-uh, no! Just that you were kinda protective of, um, *lifts box, almost drops it and gives Coco a heart attack* this. Sorry. But really, thanks, it’s really nice of you.

Coco:*Clutching her heart, waves him off* Just tell that leggy blonde she owes me some serious cuddling.

—————–

Professor Peach: It’s not often I get students actually interested in my hobby.

Jaune:Well, we are all teenagers.

Professor Peach: *Laughs*True enough. Hmm. *Side eyes Jaune* Well, the same can’t be said for you, young man. *Sees Jaune about to protest* I think what you meant to say is you’re all aspiring Huntsmen and Huntresses. Sometimes the future is so bright and shiny to your classmates that they forgot the everyday. It’s quite nice to see that isn’t the case with each of you.

Jaune:*Opens and closes his mouth, shuffles awkwardly*

Professor Peach: *Smiles softly* You have nothing to be embarrassed of, Jaune Arc. Here *carefully hands his request over* exactly as you requested. Have a wonderful day, child.

Jaune:*Nods quickly and walks off*

Professor Peach: And days like today, Rosalie, are why you do this job. *Happily hums as she gets back to work*

—————–

Jaune:Okay, look, I’m just asking which–

Beryl:*Sighs dramatically* And I’m telling you, kitten *Ignores Jaune’s protests* that they’re all mondo good.

Julie:Like, Bea-Bea’s right. That one *pointing with a fuchsia nail* is just the sweetest thing in the world, will just have you feeling warm and happy inside after.

Cissy:Plus it has just…mmm. Ouch! *Is swatted by Beryl, playfully* You bitch. Anyways, that one right there is just cute and total *squeals*overload. Can’t go wrong with it, it’s a classic.

Beryl:Thenthatone is probably the safest bet, because who doesn’t love a puppy?

Jaune:A puppy? *Beryl nods* Well, uh, thanks. And I promise I’ll get them back to you by tomorrow. I’ll also see if Ren’s interested, but, uh, maybe keep your semblances ready?

Cissy:*Raises hand*Uh, I haven’t activated mine yet. I’ve just got Nemesis.

Beryl:*Slings arm around Cissy’s shoulders* Don’t worry, kitten, between My House and Julie’s Spit-Spot, plus our weapons we can handle Valkyrie if she gets in a mood.

Jaune:*Deadpan*She was benchpressing one of the academy’s washing machines the other day. No aura.

Julie:We’re good at running away.

Beryl:*Scandalized*Julie!

Julie:Cute boy or not, no way am I getting my face rocked by that monster.

Jaune:*Shrugs, collecting stuff to leave* Um, I don’t know if it’ll work but maybe fill your bags with syrup. Might work as a distraction if Mt. Nora erupts.

Beryl:*Flatly*Really?

Cissy:*Flips platinum blonde hair* I saw her drinking it right out of the bottle once before Lie stopped her.

Beryl:*Sees Jaune’s gone, giggles* Somehow I think kitten got the better end of the deal. *Speculative* Shame he’s super taken.

Julie:Uh, what? Isn’t-

Beryl: Oh you sweet summer child, never change *Ruffles Julie’s hair*

Julie: Ack! Stop!

—————–

Jaune:Thanks headmaster! This is all really great!

Ozpin:*Working at desk* No need to thank me, mister Arc.

Jaune:Uh, yeah I do. You didn’t haveto allow me to do this, but you did and it’s really neat of you.

Ozpin:*Smiles*Well then, you’re welcome. Enjoy.

—————–

Ruby:You definitely came to the right girl!

Jaune:*Looking at his haul* I’ll say. You’re sure you’re okay with helping? I kinda saw the looks you were giving Crescent Rose back at the forge. *Teasingly*You sure you don’t want some alone time with your baby?

Ruby:*Blushes the color of her cloak* S-shut up! She’ll be fine without me, I was just thinking of trying out some custom dust ammo is all! *Very seriously* I don’t have a problem! You have a problem!

Jaune:Riii-iiight.*Ruby puffs cheeks out, teasingly* Like you don’t have a cookie problem?

Ruby:*Points dramatically, very loud* THAT…*Slumps and sighs* please don’t tell Yang I have a nightly plate of chocolate chip.

Jaune:*Laughs*No problem, Ruby. You know me. How can I turn my back on the girl who actually talked her team into not killing me when I told them I cheated my way into Beacon?

Ruby:Yeah, yeah. So get those babies ready, vomit boy and watch Ruby - I am totally a pro at this and all things wonderful - Rose do her magic!

Jaune:Will do, crater face!

—————–

Jaune:*Grins*Thanks Cardin. You know, when you’re not being all racist and pushing people around you’re actually a really nice guy.

Sky:Ooooh. What a compliment. The kindness just gently caresses your face like a butterfly’s wings, huh Cardin?

Cardin:*Scowling*Shut it, Sky. I’m still trying so that’s totally fair.

Jaune:I, uh, didn’t mean it–

Cardin:*Rubbing neck* I know dude, no worries. Got a date with my girl coming up and it’s our anniversary, so it’s just a little extra. And don’t worry about paying me back, this is like the very least I can do for you after everything. *Jaune’s about to protest* Nope. I know we’re cool, but I was a huge douchebag. I mean it.

Jaune:Well thanks. It means a lot. *Leaves*

Russel:*Reading motorcycle magazine* You don’t havea girl, bro.

Cardin:*Frowns*I know.

Dove:You know you don’t have to help him out like that. You’re only hurting yourself.

Cardin:*Wipes face with hands, flops on his bed and stares at the ceiling*Yeah, well, too bad for Cardin fucking Winchester. If Jaune’s happy, I’m happy. I wasn’t joking when I said he deserves better than me. *Rolls on side to stare at wall.*

RDL:*All staring at their leader, all of them sad*

—————–

Jaune:*Cheerfully*I’m back!

Weiss:*Very grumpily glaring at Jaune from beneath her covers, only her eyes visible, her voice is acidic* It’s quite fine, Arc. It’s only been two and a half hours. I know you have better things to do, so don’t bother acting like you were looking forward to coming back to deal with me.

Jaune:*Winces*Yeah, sorry. I was getting the hot towel when I kinda realized that you’ve probably been dealing with this all by yourself. *Weiss growls* It’s just, I remembered how you said you and your Dad don’t really talk and your little brother’s a, a snot, I think you called him? *Weiss feels embarrassed, but says nothing while staring at Jaune* Just hold on.

*Weiss does but when he comes back in the room her eyes go wide in shock*

Jaune: I-I just have a lot of sisters. Four older, three younger and they all have different things they like when they’re on their period. Saphron’s just happy if I’ll bring her things and Coral just wants me to leave her alone. Peri always wants cuddles and movies and *blushes as he realizes how much he’s talking* I just thought instead of whatever you usually do, you might want something more? Just to try something new?

Weiss:*Stares at several hot compresses, an expensive looking box of chocolates, a small boquet of blue Glory of the Snow’s, a stack of films, several unhealthy but delicious looking snacks and a stuffed polar bear with a top hat*

Weiss:*Wide eyed, completely taken aback* W-what?

Jaune:I-I-I don’t mean to assume anything, but I’m guessing you didn’t really have anyone who tried to make your period any better?

Weiss:I have a butler, Klein, who would always check in on me but never, well I never thought to ask for more. *Very softly as she stares at the rolling entourage of goodies* It never occurred.

Jaune:Okay, well, um, how about I bring this in?

*Jaune does, Weiss watching as he sets the flowers near her bed with wide eyes and gratefully accepting the compress, bringing it under her comforter and sighing in relief*

Jaune:We’ll have to set it up on your scroll, but I did bring movies to just so you have something fun to do today. There’s a family film with an apparently super cute actor, another that’s a cute animated movie that’s a staple of everybody’s childhood except mine apparently, *Weiss snorts, watching the covers* and one about a puppy finding his way home–

Weiss:*Eyes glued to the case, speaks immediately* That one.

Jaune:You sure, I checked the fam–

Weiss:*Eyes not leaving the box* I’m certain. *Flushes*Please?

Jaune:Sure. Just let me set this up.

*Jaune also hands over the chocolates, which Weiss stares at curiously and much to her delight, brings over the bags of snacks and she clutches the bag of cheesy poofs to her, very much wanting to try them for the first time*

Jaune:Okay, that should do it. So you’ve got your Cheez-E-Poofs, I grabbed a few sodas, juices that I thought you might like *quickly*but I also got water! Um, here. *Hands Weiss the stuffed animal, which she stares at and brings close to her face, loving how cute it is and how soft it is* Oh, Ruby helped me dip some strawberry’s in chocolate if you wanna try them later. There’s normal ones too.

Weiss:*Touched and doesn’t know what to say* I-it’s all so…umm, thank you. You really didn’t have to.

Jaune: *Scratches the back of his head, looks away* No problem, Weiss. I’m used to stuff like this, so…I’ll go. *Looking very embarassed* You’ve probably had enough of me talking you to death, so I’m just gonna go across the hall–

Weiss:*From behind her bear* Stay.*Jaune stares at her, blinking in surprise* You were going to offer, but you…back home the most I ever got were the occasional visits from Klein. But having someone to be there sounds very nice and I’d like if you would. Very much. I certainly won’t eat all of this anyways, so…please?

Jaune:*Nodding rapidly* Sure. Right. Yeah, I just didn’t wanna assume or impose or *watches Weiss’ eyes light up at the cheesy snack she just tried* I’ll sit.

*Jaune sits next to Weiss’ bed and they watch the film, eat snacks and after the movie, Weiss tries the strawberries as the second film starts. When she wakes up after falling asleep, she discovers the mess she’d made of the comforter is cleaned, Jaune had gathered up her snacks and placed them in a box. Her flowers now have a vase and the bear she had placed on his shoulder is on her pillow*

Weiss:*Smiles and hugs bear tightly*

~~A week later~~

Weiss:*Exasperated* Where is he?

Yang:*Balancing a pencil on her nose on her bed, ignoring her homework* Who?

Weiss:*Notices Berry B. Cold on Yang’s stomach and shoots forward like a bullet, snatching him and hugging him to her abdomen* You know who you bum, Jaune!

Yang:*Grinning like the cat who ate the canary* Oh-ho, finally acknowledging him by his first name after all this time, Weiss Cream?

Weiss:*Blushing*Quiet you.

Ruby:Leave her alone, Yang. But, uh, I don’t really know where he is.

Weiss:Nonsense. I may have missed the chance to help him with his paper but at the very least I can at least explain some of the theory to him, give him better than what Beacon’s textbooks offer.

Yang:Oh yeah, sure, sounds fun.

Weiss:*Bristling*E-even if it’s a boring subject, it is useful. *Hugs bear tighter* And he needs all the help he can get and–

Blake:*Walking in* If you’re talking about Jaune, he’s way too busy Weiss.

Weiss:I beg your pardon?

Yang:Yeah, you didn’t know?

Weiss:*Irritated*No Yang, it’s why I asked you in the first place.

Yang:*Flatly*Oh. I thought you were joking. No, I mean it, don’t look at me like that! Seriously, vomit boy’s been busy the last couple days.

Weiss:*Confused* But why?

Yang:*Staring* Seriously? I mean, he got that whole thing together for you.

Weiss:M-me!? Is that…but he said he was used to it! I-I knew he was talking about his sisters, but he said Ruby helped! H-he…

Ruby: Yup, I did, but I didn’t know Jaune was making them so you could have a nice, comfy that-time-of-the-month. I thought he just wanted a strawberry snack! That he’d finally been enlightened. *Sighs*

Yang:And that whole spread wasn’t just free, he went around and traded a lot of favors to get it together.

Weiss:*Gaping*H-he…what?He traded favors, just… *Uncertain, squeezing her bear while looking distressed* You didn’t know? He hasn’t done that with any of you?

Ruby:Nope!

Blake: Gods no.

Yang: Dad’s sweet like that for me when it’s bad-bad, but if Jaune offered I’d definitely turn him down. *Gives Weiss a look*

Ruby:Yeah, and all I need is my Non-Descript Winter Holiday lights and my guns ‘n ammo mags plus my scroll and I’m happy. *Shrugs*I get really crabby so I prefer being alone.

RWY:*Staring at Blake*

Blake:My ex did it for me once. Never again.

Weiss:S-so he did all that, just for me? Because I was miserable?

Yang:*Sighs, flops back on her bed* I don’t know why you’re so surprised. Ask his team. Jaune’s actually a pretty nice guy. He aimed Neptune in your direction back at the dance even though anybody with eyes knew he was kinda bummed the whole night. After you started talking with him after and started sharing, I think he just wanted you to have, y’know, some normal stuff that we all enjoy because our Dad’s aren’t asshats.

Ruby:Yang!

Blake:*Sees Weiss looking at her, looking upset* He’s been Coco’s personal shopper for the last week, he’s been dodging Nora since Ren agreed to a date with each of those girls from Team SNLT because she is pissed, he’s been doing odd jobs for Ozpin all week, he’s been doing a lot of work outside for Peach and I think he’s also been in the laundry rooms a lot. That stuff wasn’t just free. Plus he’s had to do all his usual leader stuff and his homework.

Weiss:*Gapes, hugs her bear and her eyes drift to her box of treats and she purses her lips* B-but…that’s so much, just so I…

Yang:Um, he likes you Weiss. Even if he stepped aside for Neptune, he’s not gonna just poof whatever he feels for you away just because he doesn’t have a chance. Then he sees you feeling like shit, knows just how bad it is because of all his sisters and gets it in his head that you deserve the princess treatment. *Stretches* He offered for Pyrrha once but she just went really red, yelled ‘NO!’ and apparently pushed him through a wall.

Weiss:*Sits on bed with her knees pulled up, hugging her bear while hiding a wobbling lip as she realizes and RBY just sighs*

~~Four days later~~

Yang:*Grins*Called it.

Blake:Yes, because it was such a mystery that this was gonna happen after Weiss had it spelled out for her that Jaune still has it bad for her even if he was trying to get over her. I’ll admit I still don’t understand the way Weiss thinks or why Jaune would put himself through all of that just because Weiss was having a bad period when it was clear at the time she wasn’t even thinking of him that way, but c’mon Yang.

Yang:*Hand out*

Blake:*Rolls her eyes, puts Lien in her hand* Child.

*Meanwhile Weiss stands on her tiptoes, arms around Jaune’s neck and enjoys kissing her boyfriend*

——————————————————————————

Two things: One, I headcanon Cardin as gay and occasionally having a thing for Jaune if it isn’t entirely obvious. Two, I don’t want my Tumblr to be nothing but crack/lewd. I’d also like some occasional romance/wholesome content. This isn’t the best, but hopefully it’s not quite as bad as I think it is towards the end.

Jaune:*Stunned by Pyrrha kissing him*

Pyrrha:*About to shove Jaune in the rocket locker*

Jaune:*Feels Pyrrha’s hands on his chest, misinterprets and shoves his tongue down Pyrrha’s throat*

Pyrrha:*Eyes open in shock*MMMMPPPHHH!!!!!*Flustered by her naughtiest dreams coming true*

Jaune:*Enjoying the kiss, grabs and squeezes Pyrrha’s asscheeks*

Pyrrha:*Squeals, tries to push Jaune off*

Jaune:*Thinking Pyrrha’s about to push him into the locker and run off to die, panics*

Pyrrha:*Pyrrha’s brain shuts down as Jaune’s thigh rubs against her core, loses the ability to stand upright*

Jaune:*Spins, pushes a dazed Pyrrha in the locker and sets it off*

Pyrrha:*Already three hundred feet from Jaune* W-what, no! No! NOOOO!!! *Incredibly angry* Gosh flipping darnit girl, you l-let him get you all riled up and now he’s going to get himself killed!

—————– 

Jaune:*In an elevator* This is officially the stupidest idea you’ve ever had! Even worse than the stuff with Cardin, worse than the Deathstalker, worse than the time you took the blame for Coral breaking the window and somehow, someway, worse than the time you let Saphron put you in a dress, do your makeup and practice kissing a ‘girl’!

Elevator:*Shakes ominously*

Jaune:*Pale* I mean you just had your first realkiss with a girl, you felt her ass up and holy gods does Pyrrha have a nice, tight, big one, you’re still hard as diamonds and instead of running from the school that literally had a holeburnt through it by some kind of fucking firebreathing Grimm abomination, you go in! *Elevator goes into freefall*

Elevator:*Jaune’s screams replace screeching metal, crashes*

Jaune:*Climbs out, unharmed but aura has shattered* There’s got to be a limit, Jaune! Sure I turned Pyrrha to putty in my hands but that should not translate into running headfirst into certain death! Stupid Dad and his stupid advice! *Is hit in the head by a cane* Fucking ow! What the shit!?

*Witnesses Ozpin firing a gout of emerald fire that clashes with two huge streams of fire from the hot Haven girls hands*

Jaune:Oh what the fuck.And here I thought walking the walk was gonna be cool. Stupid Pyrrha. *Ducks underneath a scintillating jade orb thrown by Ozpin which vaporizes the elevator leaving nothing behind, in a falsetto* ‘Oh I’ll just kiss him and he’ll be so surprised and then I’ll shove him in a locker and go do something that’ll probably get myself killed. Teehee!’ *Breathes out* Not that I’m doing any better. The hot but apparently crazy Haven chick can fucking fly and - is that a tornado, ohhhh I’m gonna die - and Ozpin’s…

*Sees Amber*

Jaune: Is going to go to prison because this is a sex dungeon. Okay, Okay, you’re cool. Sure it was unanimously decided Pyrrha was going into the singles portion of the tournament and you nearly broke your neck twice getting down here, but something tells me sad Pyrrha has something to do with this. *Pauses*Which makes me wanna punch Ozpin, but question the pedo headmaster after you help!

*Sees Ozpin get a glass spear through the left lung*

Jaune:*Quickly* Or not. Okay, she’s monologuing, that’s good. Sneak, sneak, sneak-sneak-sneak. Blah, blah, magic? Really lady? Add delusional on top of crazy. Just get in closer, give her a nice kick to the ass and Ozpin will use his weird green themed semblance to obliterate her. *Hears Pyrrha mentioned* Ignore the urge to kick the dying sicko in the nuts, just focus on hurting the crazy chick who was apparently gonna kill my sorta-kinda-maybe girlfriend. Just nice, slowly, easily, quietleee– *trips over his shoelace* –EEEEEEYYYOOOOPPPP!!!

Cinder:*Coughs wetly, stares at the sword sticking through her chest* H-how…?

*Cinder falls on top of Ozpin, her body crushed between the Headmasters and the shellshocked Jaune’s*

Ozpin:*Confused and dying* Mr. Arc?

Jaune:*High pitched* IswearIonlymeanttokickherintheasssoyoucouldfinishhereoff!

Ozpin:*Coughs*I believe you. Unfortunately it was not to be. You pierced her straight through the heart.

Jaune: I didn’t mean to?

Ozpin:And in doing so you’ve saved miss Nikos from a terribly cruel fate.

Jaune:Oh. That’s good. I’m pretty sure that if she hadn’t tried to shove me in that stupid rocket locker there’s at least a 50% chance Pyrrha would’ve jumped my bones, Grimm invasion or not.

Ozpin:*Groans in dismay* Only to quite possibly doom yourselfto one.

Jaune:*Suddenly at full attention* You say what now?

Ozpin:You’ve stabbed me as well. *Sees Jaune about to speak* You’ve stabbed my other lung, young man.

Jaune:I-I’m sorry?

Ozpin: Not yet you aren’t. Usually when I reincarnate it’s some unlucky, random bastard. But you’ve imprinted on me.

Jaune:What.

Ozpin: I’m an immortal wizard who, when he dies, his soul and consciousness along with all his memories are transferred into a new man’s preexisting body.

Jaune:*Panicking* I don’t want you in my head, headmaster! On the off chance you’re not just a nasty pedophile, I really don’t want you in my head! I don’t think you wanna be there either! *Ozpin doesn’t respond* Professor?*Still nothing*Headmaster!*Ozpin is dead, Jaune* Ozpin you old fuck, don’t you dare, I don’t wanna hear your voice when I’m deep dicking my hot redheaded partner!

Ozpin:*Body explodes into green motes of light which Jaune inhales*

Jaune:AAAHHH, I DON’T CONSET, I DON’T CONSENT!

—————– 

Pyrrha:*Bringing dat ass back, clapping his groin* Oh Jaune, oh gods yes I love it, I love your cock so-s-s-somuch!*Twists and twirls her booty on his cock* Oh f-fuck, I’m gonna cum agaaaaaiiinn!!

Jaune:*Going hard, closing in*

Pyrrha:Oh yes, please, harder, I’m gonna cum all over that delicious Arc meat again and o-o-oh shit, fuck yes Jaune, fill your slutty Nikos bitch up with your hot jizz!

Ozpin:*Mentally*She’d be cumming harder if you did what I suggested.

Jaune:*Mentally, trying to focus on Pyrrha’s voice and the image of her* Shut up. This is me time you parasite and I don’t care how long you’ve lived, I don’t need advice from the guy who’s ex is out to end the world.

Ozpin:*Mentally*I’m just saying, miss Nikos is a natural born sub. Placing your foot on her head and giving her what I’m telling you she absolutelywants by degrading her, lambasting her the way she does herself and I guarantee you the rewards will be worth it. I know you’ve been eying her anus for quite some time now, give her what she wants–

Jaune:*Mentally, pushes in deeper which makes Pyrrha wail* I knew I couldn’t trust you to shut up! ‘Oh no, the time you spend with miss Nikos will be your own, I’m just an old soul here to help you fight my batshit crazy ex’ and now you’re trying to live vicariously through me! *Eyes widen as Pyrrha spreads her cheeks, lying facefirst on the bed and moaning*

Ozpin:*Mentally, smugly*Oh of course. You certainly don’t want advice from a man who has slept with literally thousands of women. She’s cumming, by the way.

Pyrrha:Ooooohhhh gods, yesyesyesyesyesyesyesI’m fucking cummiiiiiinnnngggg!!!!!!!!! Fuck, fuck, fuuuu~uuuck you’re so fucking gooooood!!!!!

Jaune:*Cumming his brains out*

Ozpin:*Mentally*Good to see you plan on following my advice next round, Jaune. If you feel like paying me back, you could always just tell Pyrrha that you’ve gone through my memories and developed a taste for hardcore, mistress of pain BDSM.

Jaune:*Mentally, lying on Pyrrha’s pronebone body, still inside as they both recover* This is all Dad’s fault. No amount of badass magic is worth this.

—————————————————————————— 

I wanted one of these to have the advice backfire while still working and while I thought about it being an eventual Raven Jaune’s Father, I realized Pyrrha offered the best opportunity ever in the form of Ozpin, the unwanted and overly friendly brain ghost.

Hopefully any hardcore Arkos fans reading this don’t mind this one being the lewder, screwier one.

Jaune:*Thinking Cinder is super intense in addition to super hot*

Jaune:*Wondering what the big deal is about proving yourself the strongest*

Jaune:*Hips don’t lie, especially Cinder’s in her cargos*

Jaune:*She’s really hot but never shuts up*

Jaune:*Wants to ask her out but now she’s talking about how she thinks the Huntsmen of today are too passive*

Jaune:*Really has had enough of this; engaging Daddy Arc advice*

Cinder:–To the point where if it were to be challenged, if it were to be pushed with just the right amount of force and subterf–ggrrkk!! *Jaune puts just enough force in his chokehold to silence her*

Cinder:*Wide eyed in disbelief*

Jaune:*Serious face*

Emerald:*Blushing furiously, deeply offended* Hey, what the fuck do you think you’re doing!?

Mercury:*In awe* What I’ve wanted to do during every one of her speeches.

Emerald:*Furious but speechless* C-Cinder, do you want me too–

Jaune:*Very seriously, making eye contact* Cinder. I like that you’re so opinionated and passionate about things, but when I said ‘what’s up’ I was kinda aiming more in the direction of small talk. *Adjusts chokehold, leans closer* So. Me. You. Dinner?

Cinder:*Dumbfounded, but really really turned on,shakes her head*

Emerald: You see!? Take your hand off of her right now!

Jaune:*Disappointed, confidence gone* O-oh, okay. Uh, really sorry. *Chokehold starts to loosen*

Cinder:*Strangled, weakly* Don’t you dare. *Grabs Jaune by the collar, opens Team CMENs dorm and yanks him in, slightly muffled* Now when I say ‘choke me harder, Daddy’ you best hope I can’t breathe or I promise you your first cumshot will be on the sheets instead of inside all of this!

Emerald:*Shocked beyond belief*C-C-Cinder!?

Mercury:*Snorts, grabs Emerald by the back of her collar* I knew it. Come on Em, I definitely don’t wanna hear this.

Emerald:*Distressed and whining, thrashing*

—————– 

Jaune Arc: And that’s how I met your mother!

Cinder Arc: *Face is red, neck is red, ears are red, eyes are wide and in disbelief*

Ashley “Ash” Arc: *The blonde haired, amber eyed girl is horrified and a little green, shrieks* Dad!

Brand Arc:*Realizes something, goes pale* W-wait a second, that was 22 years ago.

Jaune:*Puts arm around Cinder, who’s facepalmed to hide her humiliation before her children* Yup! 22 long and beautiful years of romance, fire, passion, your Mom betraying Salem like a boss, unexpected declarations of love born from really kinky sex, fire and an unhinged yandere!

Brand:*Slowly*22 years, Dad. *Growing anger* Is that how I was conceived!? You choking out Mom while doing…well, that!? *Visibly disgusted*

Ash:*Immediately gags, puts hair behind her back*

Jaune:*A bit slowly* Uh, yeah? I mean accidentally knocking her up wasn’t really the reason she betrayed the Queen of the Grimm, but it led to it!

Brand:*Gapes, explodes* Gah! I can’t believe you! *Stomps out the house, slams the door*

Ash:*Stands, a bit weakly* I-I…I think I’m gonna go lie down and beat it into my brain to never ask you any personal questions ever again. *Walks off, swaying slightly*

Jaune:*Blinks*What? They asked!

Cinder:*From behind her palm* And you didn’t think to make something up, Jaune Gaius Arc?

Jaune:Pffft. What, and lie to them? Nope. That’s not something this guy does.

Cinder:*Finally looks up, stares deadpan at her husband* You were conceived because as much as your mother loves anal, at the time she had no interest in your father cumming inside her asshole and at the last second, pulled him out and shoved him right into her pussy.

Jaune:AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA–

~~15 minutes later~~

Cinder:So now you understand whymy baby boy and girl didn’t want to hear anything but something fake, and romantic?

Jaune:*Suffering from PTSD* Y-yeah. I uh, just thought they’d…everybody knows your story and I didn’t wanna lie.

Cinder:Mhmm. And what are you going to do when Brand comes home and your teenage daughter feels brave enough to come out of her room?

Jaune:*Resolutely*Wing it again and hope that taking them to their favorite restaurant takes their mind off of their parents being kinky mofos!

Cinder:*Opens her mouth to protest, but sighs and shrugs* Good enough. Oh and Jaune?

Jaune:*Winces at the tone of her voice* Yes sweetheart?

Cinder:*Eyes staring directly at him, face crumples* Please don’t embarrass me like that ever again! It’s bad enough I have to put up with Yang “I’m still in the prime of my life, bay-bee!” Xiao Long still making jokes at my expense but I really want my children to respect me at the end of the day!

Jaune:*Laughs awkwardly, pats her on the back gently* H-heh, sure thing Cinder. *Struck with inspiration* Hey, we could make out and they could walk in on youchoking out me!

Cinder:*Begins beating Jaune to death with a throw pillow as her face burns in embarrassment*

Ruby:*Giving Jaune the gluk-gluk 3000*

Jaune: Fuck princess, that is so good. *Gluk intensifies* Now for some of what every good princess needs, a little pea–

~~Three Weeks Later~~

Jaune: And that’s why I haven’t gotten my dick sucked in nearly a month.

Sun: You played with fire my friend and unfortunately, you weren’t just burned but outright incinerated.

Mercury: And for what? ‘Peashooter’? What are you, fucking stupid? Sleep deprived?

Yang: *Begging, thoroughly traumatized by the intimate knowledge of Ruby’s suckgame* Fuck, can we just play cards!?

——————————————————————————   

This started out much cuter with a princess carry but it’s 5:01 AM and I can’t sleep despite really wanting to. At least this Jaune’s Father thing is fun to write.

Yang:*Chatting amicably with Blake before Combat class*

Jaune:*Walks hurriedly up to RWBY*

Weiss:*Focused on her scroll* Whatever it is, Arc, I’m not interested.

Jaune: *Frantically taps Yang’s shoulder*

Yang:*Turns* Yeah, whaddaya need vomit boy?

Jaune:*Pulls out Yang’s top and stares into her cleavage*

Yang:

Weiss:

Blake:

Ruby:

Yang:*Finally is able to speak* Okay, what in THE ACTUAL FUCK–

Jaune:*Still staring* Sorry, just checking to see if I have erectile dysfunction. *Lets Yang’s top snap back into place* Good news, I don’t! *Smiles winningly and walks away*

Yang:*Mouth hanging open* Holy shit why was that so fucking smooth?

Fiona:*Standing on the edge of Atlas, in Jaune’s arms and enjoying the breeze and leaning back into his shoulder* Never let me go, Jaune.

Jaune:Why the fuck would you even say that? If I let you go you’d fall hundreds of feet to your immediate and bloody death. *Shakes head* Gods you’re a moron. You’re lucky I’m already in love with you.

Yang: Soooo, I’m guessing you wanna hear all about our thrilling heroics, eh Jaune?

Jaune:*Dazedly looking into the distance* Huh? Oh, that. No, I’m good.

Nora:*Dramatic gasp* Ren! Something’s wrong with Jaune! Take his temperature!

Ren:*Ignores*

Ruby:Shedoeshave a point, Ren. Jaune was really disappointed after all.

Weiss:*Playfully*Well he isbasically a glorified babysitter.

Yang:It was pretty exciting. Me and Blake were awesome! *Clutches bicep*

Marrow:I was there. It’s true.

Yang:Sound less enthused, why don’t you? *Glares at Marrow*

Blake:*Trying to be the voice of reason* Come on guys, be fair. After dealing with a bunch of small children all day, y’know, when he’s not just directing traffic, Jaune’s probably just tired.

Jaune:*Cuts off Yang* Y-yeah, that’s it! I’m tired. *Scratches neck* Really tired actually.

Nora:*Extremely loud and annoying gasp* It is sothe haircut!

Yang:Henh?

*Nora zips over to Jaune, grabs his collar*

Nora:*Cackling* No wonder you’re tired, fearlessleader!

Weiss:*Hand goes over mouth* Oh my.

Ruby: That’s, ahehehehe *breaks off into giggling*

Marrow:Oh what!? How did-who would-how could he *growls* Viiine, why him!?

Vine:*Calmly sitting next to a bemused Harriet* Do I know him any better than you, Marrow?

Marrow:*Whines*

Jaune:Nora! No!

Blake:Or maybe he’s tired because he’s been hooking up with Cassie.

Jaune:Hernameis–

Yang: Pfft, who needs names! You’ve been getting freaky with a MILF on your shift!

Oscar:*To Ren* It’s like this a lot, isn’t it?

Ren:*Suffering* Yes.

*Jaune has a very obvious, very dark hickey*

Yang:So, what was she like?

Ruby:*Stops giggling, appalled and blushing* Yang!

Nora:Ooh, did she ask you to add some sausage to her casserole!?

Weiss:*Embarrassed and blushing a bit, but mostly disgusted* Nora, that’s vile!

Marrow: I need you to teach me your ways, wise and venerated one!

Qrow:*Sighs*I need a drink. *Remembers he quit drinking*Dammit.

Blake:Is she really that good that she’s leaving you so tapped out? *Ignores Ruby’s sputtering*

Jaune:*Completely overwhelmed and embarrassed* G-guys, ch-chill! And I’m not answering any of your questions, they’re all–

Jaune:*Realizes his error*

*Dead fucking silence*

Nora:*Proud and sniffling*You dog.

Yang:Wait,allof them!? That’s like *remembers what Nora told her* six women! And you’re a virgin!

Jaune:*Weakly*Was. I was a virgin. A few weeks ago.

Weiss:*Loses the battle and blushes, both hands cover her mouth now* Oh my.

Ruby:*To herself* I’m an adult, I can handle adult things, including a friend getting intimate with six older women, noIcan’tnowI’mimagingthingsaaaaaaahhhhh!!!!!

Marrow:*In total respect and awe, to Harriet and Vine* I know him. He’s my friend.

Blake:I-I. There are no words.

Yang:*Still can’t believe it* Six! How!?

Jaune:I’m a teenager. Looking at linoleum makes me want to have sex. They’re also really, really fucking hot. And just when I think I’m empty all of a sudden I learn new things. *Eyes glaze over* If anyone ever tells you that six mouths working together isn’t all it’s cracked up to be then clearly they’ve never been sucked or licked by six fucking mouths.

*Silence reigns once more*

Jaune:Welp. That did it. *Opens scroll, puts it to his ear and then winces* Y-yeah, you told me alright. Yes, you win. Yes that means I’ll do the thing. I promise. I-I’m an Arc! It’s embarrassing and kind of weird, but I did give you my word. So, uh, *blushes brightly* yeah, okay, figures. I’ll be over in five.

*Hangs up*

Jaune:Well, gotta go. *Goes quickly*

Marrow:*Into the shocked silence*I’ve never wanted to be somebody else more than I do right now.

Velvet:*Chasing Jaune* GET BACK HERE YOU FUCKWIT!

Jaune:*Running away in mortal terror* AAAAAAHHHHH!!!! I’M SORRY I DIDN’T KNOW FORGIVE ME PLEASE I DON’T KNOW THE WAYS OF YOUR PEOPLE!

Ruby:*Nervously* Nnnnot that it’s any of my business, but what’s all that about?

Coco:*Watching with her chin in her palm, smirking* Casanova there bought a carrot.

Weiss:*Not wanting to be racist* Carrots are bigoted?

Fox:*Sighs*

Coco:Well from what I’ve pieced together everybody’s favorite wholesome twosome had a talk, at the end of that talk they wanted to try out some toys but the fashion disaster got detention, Vel told him to stop buy the store for a *laughs evilly in delight* ‘temporary’ toy and he bought a carrot.

Jaune: STOP, NO, YOU LOVE ME!

Velvet: IT’S IN OUR NATURE TO HURT THE ONES WE LOVE, GET BACK HERE YOU COWARD!

Coco: *Smiles at the sight which unnerves Ruby and makes Weiss uncomfortable* Apparently that was the wrong move.

Jaune:STAY AWAY FROM MY BUTTHOLE!

Velvet:OH BUT I’MSUPPOSED TO LOVE IT!?

Ruby:*Disturbed*Sometimes I regret listening to Yang and making new friends.

Jaune:*Don’t stare at her thighs, don’t stare at her thighs, don’t stare at her thighs*

Winter:*Steps forward to lead them into Atlas Academy*

Jaune:*Defeated* Shit, you looked at her thighs.

*Dead silence*

Jaune: Oscar, buddy, I said that out loud, didn’t I?

Oscar:*Embarrassed* Ah, yeah. You did.

Weiss:*Jaw clenched, staring at Jaune unblinkingly*

Winter:*Mouth briefly drops open before closing* This way.

—————–   

Weiss:*Extremely irritated* Has he no decency!?

Yang:I don’t know how to answer that question without making you mad.

Weiss:*Is done with these degenerates*

—————–

Winter:F-furthermore, I’ll have you at least give my sister the barest modicum of respect! It’s o-o-only fair!

Jaune:*Happy, muffled noises*

Winter:*Gasps*Oh, good boy. Now don’t stop licking until you see the whites of my eyes! O-nly theennnnnnnn! O-only then may you enter my mouth. *Tries to be stern as her thighs quake, looking down at Jaune* If I wake up to anything less than feeling as if I’m to choke, y-you will be sorr-eeeeeee!!!!

—————–

Blake:I think you’re blowing this a little out of proportion, Weiss.

Weiss:*Fidgets*Perhaps.*Sighs*Yes, you’re right. Amongst other things, my sister is first and foremost a soldier and thena high class lady in her own right. *Laughs guiltily* Sorry. Hmm. I should probably apologize to Winter too, for doubting the strength of her character!

——————————————————————————– 

Regardless of whatever issues you might have with RWBY proper (my list goes: anything that isn’t related to the characters themselves, their interactions, the music and the fights), you have to admit that Rooster Teeth knew exactlywhat they were doing with Winter and her new design, specifically those pants.

She ain’t no Harriet or Elm, but goddamn.

*Just after being captured by the Ace-Ops, before they leave*

Jaune:*Struggles* Oh no.

Clover:Is there a problem, citizen?

Jaune: Not really. Just a realization that I’ve had this exact dream before. *Beat* Although usually I’m less clothed and it’s professor Goodwitch as the one doing the capturing.

Clover:*Jaw drops slightly as he briefly loses his composure*

Weiss: Jaune, now is not the time. Also, TMI.

Jaune:It’s the perfect time! We did good, we got arrested and now we’re all bondage bait.

Yang: He does have a point.

Nora: Agreed. Jaune! The professor - is she wearing a leather leotard or the same old?

Jaune: Oh, definitely her usual. Just with a lot more cleavage.

Nora:*Disappointed*Awww.

Yang:Okay,nice.No, wait, dammit, Weiss is right! Now’s not the time!

Jaune:*Ignores her, looks at the disturbed Clover and the equally off put Ace-Ops* So…any chance of making that dream come true?

Clover:*To Vine* Exactly how much trouble would we be in if we just cut them loose?

Vine:You’re asking me?

Clover:*Sigh* I thought so. Alright you, no more talking.

Weiss:Believe me, you’d have better luck gagging him.

Jaune:Don’t give them ideas!

~~Two minutes later~~

Jaune:*Gagged* MMMRRRMM!! GGRRRFFFUHHH! *Glares at Weiss* UURRRRRR!*Jaune stares wide eyed at a smirking Elm, who’d given his butt a squeeze*

Elm:*Winks*

*Doors slam*

Jaune:*Nods to Weiss thankfully*Rrrr-urrfffuur rrr uff fuhmmm muh, brurv uh!

Weiss:I don’t want to know.

Qrow:*Sighs*Dammit, now I’m curious. Whatever. Can’t be that important.

*Smug Jaune is smug*

Jaune:*Storming in* Okay, it was kinda funny when you started hiding my scissors, Yang, but you gotta stop.

Yang:*Who had been eating her lunch, talking with Blake* Okay, what?

Jaune: My razors, Yang. Stop stealing them already.

Yang:*Genuinely baffled* Don’t know what’s crawled up your ass, Jaune, but I haven’t touched your razors. Or your scissors.

Jaune: Oh sure and I just happenedto wanna grow my hair out.

*Sure enough Jaune’s blonde hair now reaches past his shoulders in a half up, half down style*

Blake:*Swirling a glass of water, eying Jaune* I think it looks nice.

Jaune:*High pitched* i tHinK iT loOkS nICe.

Yang: Hey, watch it. She’s being serious. It’s a good look–

Jaune:Fine, whatever, but the beard!? C’mon, stop playing games.

*Jaune also has a pale, almost metallic blonde beard that’s gotten pretty long - to the point where he needs a beard comb*

Yang:And I’m telling you *blows a raspberry, covers her mouth*

Jaune:*Opens mouth, closes it* Okay, not gonna lie. That kind of dismissal actually stings, Yang.

Blake:*Smiling behind her glass*Jaune.*Nods to the wall behind him*

Ruby:*Blushing*

Weiss:*Wide eyed*

Jaune:*Gears slowly start working*

Jaune:*Realization dawns, gasp overdramatically* IT WAS YOU TWO!

Yang:*Bursts out laughing*

Blake:*Giggles*

Jaune:*Gazing brokenly into the distance* Betrayed by my own girlfriends. Oh, I can totally understand why every singer ever has written about heartbreak now.

Weiss:*Eyes are still fidgeting, not looking  at him directly and her cheeks have pinked* Oh stop. I-it’s just…*awkward pause* well it was Ruby’s idea so she should explain it!

Ruby:*Blushes harder and ignores Yang’s cackling* What!? Weiss you traitor! *Weiss refuses to look at her, clasping her hands* Well, uh, Jaune, i-it’s…ah, I know! How about me, you and Weiss go to the bedroom and I’ll fuck Weiss’ face on your dick while you eat me out!

Weiss:*Immediately goes bright crimson, shrieks* RUBY ROSE!

Blake:*Silently shaking from laughter*

Yang:*Freezes, lurches forward a bit* Oh. Well this is a new kind of pain.

*Weiss is slapping at a squealing Ruby, face burning and trying to get past the taller girls defenses*

Ruby:*Defending herself and peeking at Jaune from between her arms* H-howza ‘bout it!? Ow, Weiss, I’m sorry! Ow!

Jaune:*Crosses arms, gives disappointed stare*

Ruby:ACK! Not that look! OW WEISS, MY EYE! *To Jaune, hand over her eye* I only like that look when it’s cause I couldn’t hold my breath long enough or cause I came before Weiss *mutters*again.*Weiss slaps her on the top of the head* Ow, my soft spot!

Weiss:*Her neck is now red too as she finally, grumpily, crosses her own arms* Your entire head’s a soft spot.

Blake:*Has her face on the table to hide her tearful eyes, her body shaking*

Yang:*Clutches her heart* What happened to my sweet little baby sister who wanted me to braid her hair and brought me cookies and her stuffie when I was sad?

Ruby:*Defeated*Fine. I hope you know just what you were turning down–

Yang:*Crisis intensifies*

Ruby:–but if you haveto know, it’s c-cause, well, *quickly*you look super hot with long hair.

Yang:*Distressed*She can shatter my entire world without blinking an eye but that’swhat’s got her bashful!?

Jaune:*Blinks* Uh, thanks?

Ruby:*Blushing, looks away bashfully* Really hot. *Nudges Weiss*

Weiss:*Won’t look him in the eye* No matter how you wear it. Right now? You kinda look like a viking and i-it’s…yummy. *Ruby nods agreeing*Ponytail?

Ruby:Somewhere between starving, sexy artist and casual Jaune, which is just as sexy if not more.

Weiss:And g-gods help either one of us if you let it down because I don’t think you understand how good you look with a breeze running through your hair, just l-looking over the horizon.

Ruby:Even if you’re just thinking about what you’re gonna eat later. Trust me. It works. *Eyes glaze over* It’s like someone took hot guy and heroic knight and wrapped them all into one and *whistles and Yang flinches at it*

Weiss:T-the point is it looks good. Very good.

Jaune:*Shocked, very flattered and blushing* Oh. I had no idea. And my beard?

Weiss:*Face wobbles and she squeals, putting her hands over her face*

Ruby:Uh, that’s Weiss for she likes the way it feels. *Carefully puts an arm up, eying her girlfriend cautiously* Especially when you’re going down on her or she parks it right on you.

Weiss:*Screams into her hands, kicks Ruby in the shin and turns away* R-Ruuuubyyyy!!!!!! These things are supposed to be private! B-between lovers!

Yang:*Looking harrowed* Finally someone speaking sense in this broken, twisted world.

Ruby:Please, Yang knows I do stuff. She’s fine.

Yang:*Gapes, swallows* I think I understand how Dad felt when I started dating now.

Ruby:*Shrugs at Jaune* And I kinda love that too. Plus, just…mmmm.

Jaune: *Rubs his neck, looking away* ‘Mmm’?

Weiss:*Muffled*Yes. Beards suit you. Y-you’re handsome no matter what, but the p-pervert’s not wrong to suggest that this new look is very attractive.

Jaune:*Genuinely bashful* Oh. Then I guess it’s not so bad. But why didn’t you just say something– *Looks at Weiss hiding while Ruby won’t stop cutely fidgeting* –aaannnddd nevermind. Got it.

*They all awkwardly stand there for a few minutes before Jaune nods, looks to Yang*

Jaune:Sorry for accusing you guys, I just figured this had practical joke written all over it.

Yang:*Weakly* N-no problem, Jaune.

Ruby:*Nods in the background* Okay, you got us both all worked up again - OW! My butt! I’m gonna make you kiss it better, Wei-OW-OW-OW! I’m sorry! *Focuses on Jaune, rubbing her recently slapped bottom* Jaune. Bedroom.

Jaune:*Immediately distracted* Well I guess if I’m having that much of an effect *trails off before smirking* but I think I know two girls who are in clear need of spankings. Faces down and asses up, you naughtygirls.

Ruby:*Whispers*Oh gods we gave him confidence. *Shivers, salutes* Yes sir! *Scampers off*

Weiss:*Staring wide eyed, blush acting back up and she swallows, speaks quietly* You’re not the boss of me.

Jaune:*Smirks, walking forward* Oh?*Chases after Weiss who shrieks, spins and runs after Ruby, following her with his head held surprisingly high*

Blake:*Breathing heavily, hiccuping while wiping away mirthful tears* Oh my goodness. Those three are something else.

Yang:*Thousand yard stare* I want to die and never see the light of day again.

Blake: Oh please.

Yang: My poor, innocent baby sister! *Trying not to cry as Blake rolls her eyes, grabbing Yang’s arm to lead her outside and away from the house*

Glynda:*Impatient*And where might Mr. Arc be then, students? Does he think he’s exempt from my classes?

Pyrrha:*Panicked*No!

Weiss:*Also panicked but mostly because she doesn’t want to be lumped in with Jaune* Of course not! That dunce is–

Nora:*Stands, slams her fists into her desk* Obviously he’s doing extra credit and wants to make sure it’s up to par!

Ren:*Squints at Nora from the corner of his eyes, very quietly* And where’s that kind of quick thinking when we were being run out of another village?

Glynda:*Unimpressed* Miss Valkyrie, I haven’t assignedany extra credit.

Nora:*Stubbornly* Then that’s on you!

Glynda:*From unimpressed to baffled in 0.3 seconds* Wha– How!?

Nora:*Speaking as if explaining to a toddler* Obviously Jaune thought there was extra credit! If you were more clear and concise with your explanations we wouldn’t be having this problem!

Weiss:*Moaning into her hands, seeing a mark on her permanent record*

Ruby:*Terrified of the outcome*

Yang:*Impressed*

Blake:*Looks to Ren who seems bored and a shocked Pyrrha*

Glynda:*Collects herself* Enough. If Jaune Arc isn’t here– *Goes silent as the rest of the previously entranced class start giggling*

Jaune: Hey, sorry I’m late! *Weiss gasps*

Jaune:*Wearing a carbon copy of Glynda’s outfit*

Glynda:*Rapidly goes red* W-what in the world–

Jaune:*Nods resolutely* Pyrrha told me I should follow my Dad’s advice this morning with a problem I was having, but Dad also never gave me too much advice when it comes to girls! *Spreads arms* So I wore this to apologize about that whole thing the other night!

Glynda:*Red, horrified*Wha-no-ssshhh!! *Ignores murmuring* You-no-this isn’t… *Sees students staring, comes up with the perfect lie* What advice is that, Mr. Arc? What could t-this possibly do to make up for the fact that you broke the strap off my purse when serving detention?

Jaune:*Proudly* ‘You are what you eat!’ *Grins charmingly*

Pyrrha: *Broken inside and out* What.

*Weiss slumps into her seat in soul crushing defeat, Blake is blushing up a storm, Ruby’s thinking hard, Nora cackles and proceeds to thump her chest before giving Jaune a peace sign, Ren tries not to stare*

Yang:*Respectful awe* Holy shit vomit boy, nice!

Glynda:*Surrounded by purple aura, floor shatters as her semblance activates and she charges at Jaune, blushing and enraged*

Jaune:*Runs away screaming*

Jaune:*From down the hallway* How could you betray me like this, father!?

Ruby:*Realizes what Jaune meant,blushes and hides her face in her cloak* OH!

Qrow:*Enters the room drinking from his flask*

Jaune:*Taps scroll*

Fuzzy Osbourne: ~Wine is fine but whiskey’s quicker, suicide is slow with liquor~

Qrow:*Chokes on whiskey and breaks down into a coughing fit* You little shit.