#love and relationships
Every Friday, Boggle adopts the format of a traditional advice column to answer someone’s letter in-depth. Have a problem you can’t explain in the space of a single ask, but you still want to know what Boggle has to say? Write to him here. You will always remain anonymous!
This week: Should you forgive a man you love who’s hurt you? Sometimes what you don’t tell me says more to me than what you do.
There’s a man who is very important to me who has hurt me a little bit but done a whole lot of good and worked very hard on repairing our relationship. I have been reading about vulnerability and leaving your heart wide open and I want to learn how to be a more forgiving, loving person, and I feel he is a good person to trust because of how he is with me, with everyone. He really cares, Boggle, and he’s so open. He inspires me to be better.
The problem is my mom. I’m very close to my mom—she’s one of my best friends—but each time I’m in a relationship I realize we have this problem where she holds grudges a lot longer and more aggressively than I do, and when I try to talk about this man who means so much to me, she puts him down immediately and puts me down as “inexperienced” and “immature” in the ways of love. Maybe I am. But maybe I’m just being more open-hearted than she is. And I’m finding it really hard to determine that for myself because her reactions have my alarms going haywire. I feel like I might be bad at determining who to trust because she is always going off, and I can’t tell whether she’s right or she’s just stubborn or whether I’m subconsciously rebelling or whether I (as I think I do) truly believe him.
What he’s done isn’t even that bad, Boggle. She just gets so fed up with the people I care about, and she’s trying to push that on me and it’s not fair because I’m not ready to give up on him yet. I’m so tired of not doing what’s right for myself, and I don’t know how to get her on my side again.
Your letter is a little bit of a puzzle for me, and I hope I can explain why.
The way you present this story makes it sound pretty straightforward. There’s a man that you care about, who hurt you once, but he’s worked hard to make amends, and you want to forgive him. Your mother - who has a history of holding grudges - does not support your forgiveness, or this relationship. On some level, you worry that she might have a point, but you pretty clearly have made up your mind. You believe him. You want to do “what’s right for yourself.” You’re “not ready to give up on him.” Really, you just wish you had your mother’s blessing.
If that is really all that’s going on here, I would say: it’s your relationship, not your mother’s. Do what makes you happy. If it turns out to be a mistake, at least it’s one that you made with the best of intentions and with a generous heart. And if it isn’t a mistake, then your mother will come around. She’ll see that you’re happy, and that he’s doing right by you.
I’m pretty sure that’s the advice you were hoping to hear, too.
But there’s one thing about your letter that makes me a little bit uneasy: you never explained what he did.
I mean, that’s a highly relevant piece of information, right? Probably the MOST relevant piece of information, if I wanted to form an opinion about this. If it really “wasn’t even that bad,” why not tell me what it was? You have gone to some lengths to portray him as a really wonderful person, and your mother as unfairly judgmental, but you’ve left out the one thing I would need to know to make that call for myself. Maybe it really wasn’t that bad! Maybe he just stood you up on your first date four months ago, in which case, definitely, your mother is overreacting, and it’s good of you to let him off the hook. But maybe he slapped you.
And the fact that you didn’t want to say what it was - that you, pretty clearly, didn’t want me to agree with your mother - makes me worry that it’s more likely to be the latter than the former.
Maybe I’m wrong. Maybe what he did is just embarrassing, and that’s why you didn’t want to say. Maybe it really was something pretty innocent, and you just feel insecure about your choices. Maybe this really is a case where you just needed to hear a little reassurance that it’s okay to act without your mother’s blessing. But this conspicuous omission makes me sure of two things: firstly, that you think what he’s done is something that he might be judged for, and not just by your grudge-holding mother, but by an owl who has a pretty solid track record for being accepting and forgiving of mistakes.
And secondly, that if I would judge him for whatever he’s done, then you don’t actually want to know. You would rather hear reassurance than an objective opinion.
That worries me. It worries me that if he has hurt you, or cheated on you, or stolen your money, that you might be shutting your ears to objectivity. You care about this man a lot. You’re very emotionally invested in him. That’s obvious. And I want to support you and support any decisions you make that will make you happy. But there’s a reason you reached out to me. There’s a reason you felt like you needed this reassurance. There’s a reason you felt you had to hide the truth to get it. I don’t know what that reason is. I hope it’s something small, and benign, and you’re smiling in chagrin right now because if you’d just taken a second to spell out what you were too shy to tell me, I wouldn’t be worried at all. I hope this man is wonderful, and will only ever treat you wonderfully.
But please really stop and think for a minute about why you left that out, and what it might mean that you did. What does it mean about your own feelings? What does it mean about the truth?
Sometimes mothers are right to hold grudges. Please stay safe.
I think that’s pretty awesome. That’s true love right there
Random socializing tip: Tell people when they’ve had a positive impact on your life!
e.g.: “Hey, remember when I asked you for advice on X? That was really helpful, I tried it and now (insert what has improved)”
“You kept gushing about (insert series/book/movie/recipe) and made it sound really appealing, so I checked it out and I really liked it!”
“Thank you for letting me vent recently, telling you what bothered me really helped me to work through it / helped me see it from another perspective / gave me the courage to address it with the person I was talking about.”
It helps people see their own strong points, it deepens your relationships, it makes the people in your life feel appreciated and special and it can give you warm fuzzy feelings!
Win/win all around!
Your Getting to Attached Again Remember what happened last time….
Low Man on the Ladder
Finna drop some Polyam knowledge on y'all. There is a phenomenon I have observed that I like to call “Low Man on the Ladder”. It’s the concept of last one hired, first one fired. How this plays out is like this:
Say you are dating someone with two partners in addition to you and they had those partners when you met them. You have no issue with those partners and feel little jealousy when your partner interacts with them. Then your partner starts dating someone new and you find yourself losing your shit about it. What’s wrong? You fully accept their relationships with their other partners. Why can’t you seem to accept this budding new relationship?
I believe it’s because you are the last partner they acquired so that means that one, you have been around for the least amount of time and there’s a security that comes with length of time, and two, you partner has demonstrated that they can have these other connections and you already so their existing relationships don’t feel like a threat to you because they had them when your formed YOUR relationship with your partner. There is no precedent, however, that this new person won’t have an adverse affect on your relationship with your partner; that your partner can hold the older relationships and yours and this new one at the same time. And since you are the “last one hired” you become scared that you’ll be the “first one fired” if it becomes too much to handle for your partner.
How do you deal with this? Believe your partner values their connection with you regardless of the new shiny relationship. They are still choosing you in addition to this person. What if they don’t and the new person does “push me out”? That does happen, not gonna lie….but don’t you want someone that WANTS you. Like for real. Someone that no one could make them “push you out”. If that happens, the new person did you a favor. Will it hurt? Yes. Will you be better off because it will free up the space for you to have someone that is worthy of you? Also yes.
And if I can take it a step further, chances are that your partner is just as scared that this new person will make YOU want to leave THEM because you can’t handle their new love but folks don’t be ready for that level of compassion.
*Edited to be more culturally aware*
Kevin (husband) is away for the weekend for a first visit with one of his LDRs. We usually check in with each other just to see how things are going. He shared something with me that caused me to have a poly lightning bolt moment. I still haven’t fully articulated it to myself so I’m just winging it here. Kevin is a loner. He has very few friends and keeps his people interaction to a minimum. Truthfully, I’ve been his sole relationship of substance for a long time. One thing I know about interacting with other people is that they bring things out of you and that is crucial to developing yourself. Kevin and I have been together for fifteen years. The situations we find ourselves in are largely routine. While we do learn new things about one another and develop each other, it’s different with other people that we’re with. Seeing this in that moment helped me shed a little more of the discomfort I experience with him interacting with other people. It’s not about me. It’s about him and him becoming his own person.
Love in the Time of COVID-19
One of the things I have learned in non-monogamy is that the boxes we build around our partners and what they do with others are boxes we build around ourselves. I like having the maximum amount of freedom available to me so that then means that I have to afford the maximum amount of freedom I can offer. I don’t take liberties I am unwilling to afford. That’s why I do the personal work that I do.
When creating “rules” and “agreements” it’s all well and good until YOU are the one that wants to do the thing. I try to remember that. Ain’t no fun when the rabbit got the gun. So when you are creating rules and agreements around what makes you comfortable it’s cool until you find yourself in a place where now YOU want to do the thing and YOU’RE the one being restricted. It’s easy to say you don’t want to do a thing until you find yourself wanting to do it and now you’re in a pickle. Too many couples have found themselves in the place of making agreements to restrict certain things and one of them upholding that even when they experienced times of wanting to do it but they chose not to and then the other partner comes asking to change or get rid of the agreement. The person who followed the agreement and restricted themselves usually ends up feeling resentment about that. All bad.
Polyamory, to me, feels best when I focus on what *I* want to do and how *I* want to move and then aligning myself with people that feel similarly. That way I won’t feel the need to create rules and agreements because how we feel things should be conducted are congruent.
Polyamory/Non-Monogamy isn’t about more love for me. It’s about freedom.
Wanted to also address this phenomenon that I see in polyamory where people that have more…emotional partners surrounding their polyamorous actions will often go through all of these leaps and bounds and bends and stretches trying to do things in such a way that they avoid their emotional partners having feelings or to try to ensure their partner has the LEAST amount of feelings about what they do, often at the expense of their other less emotional partners. And, if I can be frank, this is a place where sneaky hierarchies can lie. Because WHOSE feelings are more prioritized? More often than not, it’s the feelings of the nested/“primary”/spousal partners.
Folks will do all of these weird ass things trying to avoid feelings when the REAL move should be simply learning how to deal with your partners emotions effectively and compassionately.
Stop seeing your partners having emotions about what you do as a bad thing or as an indicator that you are doing something “wrong” (even if that is what they are saying which is a whole other convo). It’s normal. Just because it’s not how YOU would feel about it, doesn’t mean it’s not valid or that something is wrong with your partner.
Stop seeing your partner’s feelings about what you are doing as a burden to bear. Uncomfortable, yes, but a burden, no. You do not have to assume responsibility for how they feel even if it is connected to something that you are doing. You can care about their feelings without making yourself responsible FOR them.
Try to understand what is triggering them about what you are doing. Ask them what the underlying issue is. And if you don’t understand, be honest about that, too, but do so in such a way that doesn’t come of as alienating them or making them feel broken or wrong for how they feel.
Hold onto your own autonomy if you have made a choice and stand by it. Your other partners deserve that, too. You can say “Hey, I know this makes you uncomfortable and I can hold space for that and work with you as you process this but this is the choice I am making and I am not doing this TO you but FOR me. My making this choice isn’t me saying that I don’t love you or care about you even if it feels that way.”
Recognize what part of you not wanting to deal with their emotions is your own guilt or your own insecurities surrounding “If I do this thing that displeases my partner, will they then stop liking/loving me.” You gotta let that shit go.
Now there is a whole other side of this that deals with the people having emotions having them to the point of it being overly dramatic and obviously difficult to deal with (I’ve been that person so I know) but yeah……learn to DEAL with the emotions instead of making OTHERS deal with them by hurting them by proxy so you don’t have to deal with your partner’s emotions. That’s selfish and unfair.
