polyintheburbs:

Of course I made too much of a deal about the date night. Too much anxiety. 

It was a wonderful evening. And followed pretty much the usual script: start at the bar, move to the lounge, sit far apart, sit closer, subtle touching of the shoulder/arm/leg, kiss on the cheek, blow job in the parking lot…

KIDDING! 

There was no blow job. We had a wonderful conversation and snuggled on a couch. We did get beyond the innuendo and agree that there is a sexual attraction there. So that was good. I dig her.

But…

I worry that she’s going to get too attached. They jumped into the lifestyle by getting into a six-year relationship with another couple, which evidently ended poorly because of attachments and jealousy. We are definitely not looking for anything serious. I think I have made that clear to her. I know that my spouse has made that clear to her spouse.

Speaking of the spouses: they had their date night last night. While it was going on, I was completely cool with it. Now I knew there was no hall pass, so maybe that was a part of my ease, but I never even wondered to what level of touching or kissing they got to. And I didn’t ask when she got home. As long as she is happy, I am happy. 

And she is happy. She likes him. 

I think that the four of us are going to hang together soon. Maybe as soon as tonight. 

Yep. You might say she got really attached. Sorry not sorry.

Chandler (hubby) and Ross (boyfriend, although I hate using that word for him, ) hung out tonight while Rachel wasn’t feeling well and I was out of town for work. That’s nothing really new, but I love when they have bro time together. Hubby texted me, “thanks for loaning me your boyfriend tonight.” I really do love my life and my people.

This is a post from a poly FB group I’m in (reposted with permission). How magnificent is that?! Why can’t everyone be this accepting?

Hierarchies

We practice hierarchal polyamory; we each have 20+ years with our spouses, kids, finances, homes, etc., so it’s only natural that our relationships are hierarchal.

I love both Chandler and Ross like crazy (Rachel, too, of course) and they’re both so important to me. I don’t like having to rank them as husband vs boyfriend. Husband gets these privileges, boyfriend only gets these. On the flip side, I’m sometimes envious of Rachel, wishing I could have some of the wife privileges she gets.

The glass ceiling that our type of polyamory brings is the one downside for me. There’s only so far we can go. It’s so ingrained in me that you meet someone, fall in love, and follow a certain progression in the relationship. That happens to an extent in poly, but then there’s a hard stop where there’s no further you can really go. Speaking for myself, my feelings don’t hit the hard stop, though, so it’s tough. You want more, but there is no more.

If that’s my biggest complaint, then I’m pretty lucky, though. I take what I can get, and, overall, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I wouldn’t trade this for the world.

Catching up

It’s been awhile since I’ve written a post. I have so many drafts, but I never seem to get them perfected enough to post.

A brief run down of the last couple of months:

Our little polycule is as happy and healthy as ever. 2 of the kids are back at college, 1 got her own apartment, and 1 finished his degree and is hopefully finding his own place in the next year. This opens up Ross’ and Rachel’s house to sleep overs. It’s kind of a big deal; Chandler and I have “a drawer,” so to speak. Our kid is comfortable with our relationship but not as uncomfortable knowing we’re having guests, so we wait till he works late at his second job every other weekend then we house swap.

Our latest rehab is a multi unit Airbnb and is almost finished. It’ll double as our 2nd home (when not rented out, anyway). 1 unit will be Ross’ and mine, the other will be Chandler’s and Rachel’s. I’m pretty fucking excited about that. It’s as close as we each will get to having “our own place.”

Next week, we all head to Riviera Maya for 7 fanfuckingtastic nights in an all inclusive paradise. We’ll split the sleeping arrangements 3-3 with 1 night TBD. Maybe that’ll be a night of all 4?

The E word (exclusivity) has been floated by in a couple of conversations, but that’s a whole post on its own (in my drafts folder).

We were almost interviewed by CBS for a polyamory documentary, but production decided not to come to our city. That would have been interesting to do. We’d love to see more positive media coverage on non monogamy instead of most of the salacious, sister-wife bullshit that’s usually the spin on these shows.

My heart is so full and happy with these 3 amazing humans. I’m fully aware of how fucking lucky I am and don’t take a minute of this life for granted.

Get Your Own Damn Bar

I’m super happy that all 4 of our collective kids are so comfortable with our poly relationship. Each set of kids refer to each set of partners as step parents. It’s truly an amazing relationship and makes my heart all gushy.

But….that doesn’t mean I want to hang out with them at OURbar.

OUR bar, as I’ve written about before, is the local dive gay bar that we frequent waaaaaay too often. 3 of the 4 kids are 21+. The 4th is 19. Doesn’t matter. They all want to hang out with us at OURbar. W. T. F. ????

Like, did you want to hang out with your parents when you were 19-23? I know I sure the hell didn’t!

And it’s not just dropping by for A drink. It’s “hey parents/step parents…are you headed to THE bar tonight? Because we’re going to come and sit at YOUR table and hang out ALL fucking night with YOU!!” And if we’re not there, they go anyway. Without us. Our kid calls Ross’ and Rachel’s kid to meet him to hang out at our bar on our off nights.

It’s a weird situation. We want the kids to be comfortable…but, fuck. You all are 21 (except for one, but that doesn’t deter her from having soda or a discrete drink at our bar with us)…don’t y’all have your own friends with which you want to go to your OWN damn bar? We’ve said exactly that to all of them. They look at us all dumbfounded.

Apparently not.

Poly perks

When one of you has a little way too much to drink, you have a group of caretakers to rally around and offer to hold your hair back.

Chandler was not in good form tonight. While it was unintentional on his part, I was still embarrassed (3 years into this, no less) for Rachel to see this. However, she sincerely said she’d totally go home with him and “metaphorically hold his hair back.” I spared her, held his metaphorical hair back, and tucked him in bed.

It’s kinda like it takes a village…..

polyintheburbs:

Ad on the New York subway. Normalize polyamory

Word.

New Year 2019

The 4 of us rang in the new year by attending a NYE swingers ball at a large hotel. It’s a formal dinner/dance event followed by a hall party after midnight.

There’s a buffet dinner in the ball room and a DJ playing music till midnight. Everyone mingled in their fancy clothes. The cash bar was stupid expensive ($8.50 for a jack and diet? No thanks.) so we smuggled in our own liquor and mixed our own drinks (in the $4.50 soda- wtf?). As the night wore on, it was evident we weren’t the only ones, and no one was even hiding it any more.

The crowd was smaller and quite a bit older compared to previous years. We did run into 3 of our favorite couples, and we spent the majority of the evening hanging out with them.

After the midnight toast, everyone headed back upstairs for the hall party. The top 2 floors are closed off to just our group, and everyone changes into sexy attire and the naughty fun begins.

We stopped into the body shot room where alcohol infused whipped cream is devoured from body parts. We checked out the sybian room and watched a few ladies take a ride. We enjoyed appetizers served by a friend wearing underwear with his own face printed on them. He never disappoints us with his good natured, over the top antics. In that same room, Ross and I ran into one of my kids’ previous teachers who got frisky with us. A little awkward, but she’s super sweet.

We did meet a group of 6 or so new people through a mutual couple. They were a lot of fun, and I’d hang out with them again. Everyone we encountered was great and always asked permission before touching or kissing, which I appreciated.

Ross, Rachel, Chandler and I shared a hotel room, and got back around 2:30 and had some of our own fun. It’s probably one of my favorite nights/swinger events of the year. We had a great time.

Chandler and I ended the holiday with a lazy day at home eating left over snacks from the hotel.

I have no complaints about how my 2018 went, and I’m looking forward to all that 2019 brings.

Happy New Year to all of you- be safe, and make it the best yet!

What to do When Your Partner is on a Date?

This is a pretty standard beginner question you see come up in polyam and non-monogamy groups.

First, I have personally been working on reframing my thoughts around my partners being with others. Think about it. You rarely hear people ask “What do you do when your partner is at work?”, “What do you do when your partner is at the gym?”, etc. The reality is that we don’t spend EVERY WAKING MOMENT with our partners. They are off doing things all the time that don’t include us. This is no different. If you stop elevating date time/romantic interaction time that your partner has with others above any other time that they spend doing something apart from you, it takes some of the edge off. So now my answer to that question is the same thing I do any other time that I’m not with him. Whatever I want.

Here are some actual tips that have helped me in the past (and in the present) when my partner was out with someone else, especially as I am someone who is prone to jealousy and envy:

1. Feel your feelings. It’s ok to feel jealous or envious. It’s not the end of the world. And the quicker you just allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling, the faster it moves on. I say to myself things like “My partner is on a date and I’m feeling jealous. What’s for dinner?” It’s not a big deal and it doesn’t make you “bad” at polyamory. It just makes you human.

2. I read this thing once called a “date sandwich” where you and your partner are intentional about spending quality time together loving and affirming each other before and after your partner goes on the date. It really helps.

3. Do things you LIKE to do. If you use your partners date time to balance the checkbook or do the laundry or some other adulty thing, you’re going to associate the time your partner spends with other people with drudgery (unless you enjoy doing all of those things in which case rock on!). I like to do things I like to do that my partner doesn’t particularly enjoy that way my brain begins to associate my partner being away with others as pleasure for me, too. Watch that show your partner can’t stand, eat that stinky cheese they gag over when they see you eating it, go see that weird movie your partner would be miserable sitting through. Reconnect with your ability to bring pleasure to yourself all by yourself.

4. Set up a support system if you need it. Schedule time with your own partners if that’s available. Set up a phone call with a polyam friend who’ll understand. Video chat with a person who’s important to you that may be far away. Use that time to reconnect with the other important people in your life.

5. Don’t blow up your partner’s phone while they are on a date. That’s inconsiderate to the person they are on a date with and them. If there’s an emergency, of course reach out but if it can wait, wait. If you are struggling through some feelings and need to share that, write it down and share it with them when they return. Try to give them the space to enjoy themselves.

KTP or Die

So in 2020 can we stop forcing people to be around people they clearly don’t enjoy under the banner of “Kitchen Table Poly”? Like, I’m all for crafting the polyamorous experience that you want and I appreciate the people I can have KTP with but think about it. We don’t force our friends to be friends with all of our friends so why do we HAVE to have all our partners connected to each other? Half the time I don’t even feel like people be caring about KTP, they just want to stunt for the gram that they can “do poly well”. Let people have the relationships they want to have with the people they want to have them with. If it’s KTP, great. If it’s parallel, great. Just focus on making sure YOUR relationships are good with your partners and let them figure out how they want to engage one another. Not having KTP doesn’t mean that there has to be drama and ill will behind that. Some people just don’t vibe. And if there IS drama, then why would you want to force people to have to sit in that with someone?

I refuse to do it. If ION like someone ION like ‘em. I’m not concerned with what that makes me look like to people or how they judge my ability to “poly” because of it. I’m the one who guards my peace. And people my partners date are allowed to choose how they wish to engage ME. I think people feeling like it’s perfectly acceptable to dictate that a person their partner is seeing HAS to interact with them how THEY want them to is weird as fuck.

One of the things I have learned in non-monogamy is that the boxes we build around our partners and what they do with others are boxes we build around ourselves. I like having the maximum amount of freedom available to me so that then means that I have to afford the maximum amount of freedom I can offer. I don’t take liberties I am unwilling to afford. That’s why I do the personal work that I do.

When creating “rules” and “agreements” it’s all well and good until YOU are the one that wants to do the thing. I try to remember that. Ain’t no fun when the rabbit got the gun. So when you are creating rules and agreements around what makes you comfortable it’s cool until you find yourself in a place where now YOU want to do the thing and YOU’RE the one being restricted. It’s easy to say you don’t want to do a thing until you find yourself wanting to do it and now you’re in a pickle. Too many couples have found themselves in the place of making agreements to restrict certain things and one of them upholding that even when they experienced times of wanting to do it but they chose not to and then the other partner comes asking to change or get rid of the agreement. The person who followed the agreement and restricted themselves usually ends up feeling resentment about that. All bad.

Polyamory, to me, feels best when I focus on what *I* want to do and how *I* want to move and then aligning myself with people that feel similarly. That way I won’t feel the need to create rules and agreements because how we feel things should be conducted are congruent.

Polyamory/Non-Monogamy isn’t about more love for me. It’s about freedom.

Wanted to also address this phenomenon that I see in polyamory where people that have more…emotional partners surrounding their polyamorous actions will often go through all of these leaps and bounds and bends and stretches trying to do things in such a way that they avoid their emotional partners having feelings or to try to ensure their partner has the LEAST amount of feelings about what they do, often at the expense of their other less emotional partners. And, if I can be frank, this is a place where sneaky hierarchies can lie. Because WHOSE feelings are more prioritized? More often than not, it’s the feelings of the nested/“primary”/spousal partners.

Folks will do all of these weird ass things trying to avoid feelings when the REAL move should be simply learning how to deal with your partners emotions effectively and compassionately.

Stop seeing your partners having emotions about what you do as a bad thing or as an indicator that you are doing something “wrong” (even if that is what they are saying which is a whole other convo). It’s normal. Just because it’s not how YOU would feel about it, doesn’t mean it’s not valid or that something is wrong with your partner.

Stop seeing your partner’s feelings about what you are doing as a burden to bear. Uncomfortable, yes, but a burden, no. You do not have to assume responsibility for how they feel even if it is connected to something that you are doing. You can care about their feelings without making yourself responsible FOR them.

Try to understand what is triggering them about what you are doing. Ask them what the underlying issue is. And if you don’t understand, be honest about that, too, but do so in such a way that doesn’t come of as alienating them or making them feel broken or wrong for how they feel.

Hold onto your own autonomy if you have made a choice and stand by it. Your other partners deserve that, too. You can say “Hey, I know this makes you uncomfortable and I can hold space for that and work with you as you process this but this is the choice I am making and I am not doing this TO you but FOR me. My making this choice isn’t me saying that I don’t love you or care about you even if it feels that way.”

Recognize what part of you not wanting to deal with their emotions is your own guilt or your own insecurities surrounding “If I do this thing that displeases my partner, will they then stop liking/loving me.” You gotta let that shit go.

Now there is a whole other side of this that deals with the people having emotions having them to the point of it being overly dramatic and obviously difficult to deal with (I’ve been that person so I know) but yeah……learn to DEAL with the emotions instead of making OTHERS deal with them by hurting them by proxy so you don’t have to deal with your partner’s emotions. That’s selfish and unfair.

“He Only Wants Her For Sex”

So I may not articulate this well but I’ll try. There is something I have noticed in my polyam journey in relationships comprised of a man and a woman that date separately. The woman may be dating and her husband/nesting or “primary” partner will feel a way if she is engaging a man that he feels “only wants her for sex”. Often times, this comes from a place of love and protection, I get. They don’t want to see their partners hurt by fuck boys. They see immense value in their partner and want others to see that, too. I often imagine, too, that for men, watching your woman partner date men can be a whole new way to see the bullshit that women deal with from men.

The trap is that this can have a undertone of being paternalistic to your partner. Your woman partners are adults and capable of making their own choices about whom they engage. One of the hardest things to deal with in non-monogamy is letting your partners learn their own lessons when it comes to dating and relating.

I also think that sometimes….and this one might smart a bit…..it has an air of “I didn’t treat her like that. I valued her and saw her as more than just sex and here this dude comes along and just gets to fuck her without dealing with all the other stuff that I deal with.” It’s a little judgmental. Like, yeah, you can feel a way about dude for just wanting your lady for sex but if you’re a “good dude” who doesn’t treat women like that, what does it matter if there are other men that do? You being good is about you and not them. And she may WANT just sex from him. That may be ok for her. I think sometimes that it can result in you subconsciously devaluing your partner a little if you are not careful. The ills of slut-shaming misogyny are deep-rooted and not always visible to the naked eye within ourselves.

Remember, you have the relationship that you CHOSE to have with your partner. If you wanted just sex from her, you could have asked for that. If you saw more “value” in her, then that’s what you wanted. Focus on what YOU want to have with her and let her deal with what she wants to have with others.

I hope this isn’t harsh because it’s not intended to be. It’s just something I have noticed considerably and wanted to highlight. Just like I hear women say “It’s not fair that I have to wash his socks and pick his pants up off the floor meanwhile his other partners get to just enjoy him.”, I feel like this is the other side of that.