#polyamory problems
Amazon.com: Watch Poly Love | Prime Video
I participated in a documentary about my first polyamorous relationship a few years ago. Just found out it will be screened for Pride in Madrid. Check it out.
Love in the Time of COVID-19
What to do When Your Partner is on a Date?
This is a pretty standard beginner question you see come up in polyam and non-monogamy groups.
First, I have personally been working on reframing my thoughts around my partners being with others. Think about it. You rarely hear people ask “What do you do when your partner is at work?”, “What do you do when your partner is at the gym?”, etc. The reality is that we don’t spend EVERY WAKING MOMENT with our partners. They are off doing things all the time that don’t include us. This is no different. If you stop elevating date time/romantic interaction time that your partner has with others above any other time that they spend doing something apart from you, it takes some of the edge off. So now my answer to that question is the same thing I do any other time that I’m not with him. Whatever I want.
Here are some actual tips that have helped me in the past (and in the present) when my partner was out with someone else, especially as I am someone who is prone to jealousy and envy:
1. Feel your feelings. It’s ok to feel jealous or envious. It’s not the end of the world. And the quicker you just allow yourself to feel what you’re feeling, the faster it moves on. I say to myself things like “My partner is on a date and I’m feeling jealous. What’s for dinner?” It’s not a big deal and it doesn’t make you “bad” at polyamory. It just makes you human.
2. I read this thing once called a “date sandwich” where you and your partner are intentional about spending quality time together loving and affirming each other before and after your partner goes on the date. It really helps.
3. Do things you LIKE to do. If you use your partners date time to balance the checkbook or do the laundry or some other adulty thing, you’re going to associate the time your partner spends with other people with drudgery (unless you enjoy doing all of those things in which case rock on!). I like to do things I like to do that my partner doesn’t particularly enjoy that way my brain begins to associate my partner being away with others as pleasure for me, too. Watch that show your partner can’t stand, eat that stinky cheese they gag over when they see you eating it, go see that weird movie your partner would be miserable sitting through. Reconnect with your ability to bring pleasure to yourself all by yourself.
4. Set up a support system if you need it. Schedule time with your own partners if that’s available. Set up a phone call with a polyam friend who’ll understand. Video chat with a person who’s important to you that may be far away. Use that time to reconnect with the other important people in your life.
5. Don’t blow up your partner’s phone while they are on a date. That’s inconsiderate to the person they are on a date with and them. If there’s an emergency, of course reach out but if it can wait, wait. If you are struggling through some feelings and need to share that, write it down and share it with them when they return. Try to give them the space to enjoy themselves.
Having a convo on one of my posts:
There are people that believe that the best way to “show up” for your partners in polyamory is by doing the best you can to work through ANY and ALL emotions you have about what they are doing on your own and to only come to your partner with support and joy about what they are doing with others. This way, your partners don’t have to deal with feeling any guilt or shame about what they are doing or feel like they are doing something wrong. Kevin is one of these people.
There are people that believe that the best way to show up to your partners in polyamory is by sharing your emotions with your partners and letting them know the things that you are sensitive about so that they can have a deeper understanding of who you are, what triggers you, and how you tick so you can be mindful of that. They see sharing their emotions with you as giving you tools to help you move more mindfully of them in the future. Evita is one of these people.
These are opposing viewpoints. So when I was having emotions in polyamory and sharing them with him, he saw it as the opposite of me showing up for him and instead saw it as me burdening him with them to make him feel bad for what he was doing and not being supportive. When he wasn’t sharing any emotions with me, I saw it as him not caring about what I do with others and not being vulnerable with me and helping me understand what he’s sensitive about so I can be mindful. Now we just realize that the other sees these things differently so when it shows up in each other, we can take it less personal. I don’t attach my motivations or beliefs about why he’s doing what he’s doing onto him and he doesn’t attach his beliefs about this onto me because we realize that we are just different people in this way.
I think a lot of issues happen in relationships in polyamory when it comes to dealing with emotions because one person sees it as “Can’t you see that your emotions make me feel bad about what I’m doing?” and the other person sees it as “Can’t you see I’m trying to help you see how you can be sensitive to me?”
It helps to know which category you fall into.
One of the things I have learned in non-monogamy is that the boxes we build around our partners and what they do with others are boxes we build around ourselves. I like having the maximum amount of freedom available to me so that then means that I have to afford the maximum amount of freedom I can offer. I don’t take liberties I am unwilling to afford. That’s why I do the personal work that I do.
When creating “rules” and “agreements” it’s all well and good until YOU are the one that wants to do the thing. I try to remember that. Ain’t no fun when the rabbit got the gun. So when you are creating rules and agreements around what makes you comfortable it’s cool until you find yourself in a place where now YOU want to do the thing and YOU’RE the one being restricted. It’s easy to say you don’t want to do a thing until you find yourself wanting to do it and now you’re in a pickle. Too many couples have found themselves in the place of making agreements to restrict certain things and one of them upholding that even when they experienced times of wanting to do it but they chose not to and then the other partner comes asking to change or get rid of the agreement. The person who followed the agreement and restricted themselves usually ends up feeling resentment about that. All bad.
Polyamory, to me, feels best when I focus on what *I* want to do and how *I* want to move and then aligning myself with people that feel similarly. That way I won’t feel the need to create rules and agreements because how we feel things should be conducted are congruent.
Polyamory/Non-Monogamy isn’t about more love for me. It’s about freedom.
Wanted to also address this phenomenon that I see in polyamory where people that have more…emotional partners surrounding their polyamorous actions will often go through all of these leaps and bounds and bends and stretches trying to do things in such a way that they avoid their emotional partners having feelings or to try to ensure their partner has the LEAST amount of feelings about what they do, often at the expense of their other less emotional partners. And, if I can be frank, this is a place where sneaky hierarchies can lie. Because WHOSE feelings are more prioritized? More often than not, it’s the feelings of the nested/“primary”/spousal partners.
Folks will do all of these weird ass things trying to avoid feelings when the REAL move should be simply learning how to deal with your partners emotions effectively and compassionately.
Stop seeing your partners having emotions about what you do as a bad thing or as an indicator that you are doing something “wrong” (even if that is what they are saying which is a whole other convo). It’s normal. Just because it’s not how YOU would feel about it, doesn’t mean it’s not valid or that something is wrong with your partner.
Stop seeing your partner’s feelings about what you are doing as a burden to bear. Uncomfortable, yes, but a burden, no. You do not have to assume responsibility for how they feel even if it is connected to something that you are doing. You can care about their feelings without making yourself responsible FOR them.
Try to understand what is triggering them about what you are doing. Ask them what the underlying issue is. And if you don’t understand, be honest about that, too, but do so in such a way that doesn’t come of as alienating them or making them feel broken or wrong for how they feel.
Hold onto your own autonomy if you have made a choice and stand by it. Your other partners deserve that, too. You can say “Hey, I know this makes you uncomfortable and I can hold space for that and work with you as you process this but this is the choice I am making and I am not doing this TO you but FOR me. My making this choice isn’t me saying that I don’t love you or care about you even if it feels that way.”
Recognize what part of you not wanting to deal with their emotions is your own guilt or your own insecurities surrounding “If I do this thing that displeases my partner, will they then stop liking/loving me.” You gotta let that shit go.
Now there is a whole other side of this that deals with the people having emotions having them to the point of it being overly dramatic and obviously difficult to deal with (I’ve been that person so I know) but yeah……learn to DEAL with the emotions instead of making OTHERS deal with them by hurting them by proxy so you don’t have to deal with your partner’s emotions. That’s selfish and unfair.
