I am so tired of love triangles where everyone gets hurt

Give me a triad that slowly realizes that they all love each other

Give me a husband who loves his wife and makes tea when her metamours visit

Give me a polycule going out to theme parks and getting group passes

Give me a polycule that plays DnD on weekends to bond

Give me a solo polyam person who realizes their sex life doesn’t define her worth

Give me a couple who slowly gets closer to another couple until they form a quad

Give me cute polyamory

1st poly relationship. Metamour made the first move, though I’ve been friends with Primary longer. In 2020, Metamour and I moved in together until Primary could join us in our first apartment. We got along great! Then when Primary moved in, Meta changed. We had a tiff over intimate situations, and Meta started letting a lot of responsibilities and chores around the house fall on me and Primary. It led to many, many, MANY fights and stressful nights. Now, me and Primary are living in a separate location, and Meta is still in the first apartment, of their own volition. I like them as a friend, sometimes, but there’s so much anger and aggravation left over, I worry I can’t stay with Primary, who is the love of my life, if it means having to interact with Meta all the time. Primary has done as best as they can to keep the peace but it’s up to me and Meta to solve this problem. I don’t know how to forgive them. What can I do?

I mean, do you have to? If you don’t like being around this person, is it an option to just…not? You’re living with your Primary, and their other partner has their own place, so if Primary wants to see Meta, you don’t need to be involved.

If you don’t want to stay with Primary “if it means having to interact with Meta all the time,” then you know what your desires, needs, and boundaries are. If there’s a way to stay with Primary without having to be super close and present to Meta, then great! Figure out how to make that happen, and then just accept the fact that there’s a person around the edges of your life who you don’t particularly like. Be civil when you have to, stay out of their way, don’t complain to Primary about how Meta bugs you, and let all parties involved live their lives.

If, however, Primary insists that they only want to date people who all get along, or if they’re pressuring you to spend more time around Meta, or if you simply find it intolerable to be in a relationship where you can’t stand your partner’s other partner, then you’ll have to decide whether to leave the relationship or try and make things work with Meta.

I can’t give you step by step instructions on how to forgive someone when it feels difficult, or how to retrain yourself to like someone who really bugs you (I am, personally, NOT well skilled in either of those) - but you could try some of the tips here. Really, though, it sounds like your best bet is to just give this person space, expect nothing from them, and live your own life while they live theirs.

I have just learned that my metamour (who is gender queer and uses they/them pronouns) is switching to a chosen name rather than their given name. The name they have chosen is extremely similar to my name (the same four letters, just two letters are swapped places). It makes me kind of uncomfortable that our names are going to be so similar now and I think our shared partner feels a bit odd about it too. I really want to support their exploration of their gender identity and I know that a name one feels comfortable with is important, but it just makes me feel uneasy. Even as I write this it feels a bit petty, but I think it is compounded by the fact that we haven’t had the best relationship for about a year and they have felt a lot of jealousy/insecurity about my relationship with our shared partner.

That definitely sounds like a weird situation, but my advice to you is to just try and let it go.

When people choose their name, especially as part of a transition or gender exploration, there’s usually a lot of soul searching and personal significance that goes into it. It’s highly unlikely that they chose that name as an attempt to bother you or influence your relationship with your shared partner. It very likely has absolutely nothing to do with you, and is just a coincidence.

In that case, if you Make A Deal Out Of This, then you’ll look petty and insecure, and it’ll be a bad look. There are only so many names out there in the world, and sometimes we have to share. (I had five - FIVE! - girls named Ashley in my first grade class.)

And if they did choose it in some part because of you, that’s their problem. I can’t imagine that such a choice would come from a healthy place, whether it’s jealousy or idolization or something, and I just feel bad for someone who is so emotionally stuck in issues around their metamour that they would choose a new name for themselves based on that. But even in that case, that’s really about them, and it doesn’t really affect you.

If that is the case, then if you Make A Deal Out Of This, you’ll only be giving them what they want. If this person is acting out of some weird power play or insecurity, other people will be able to see that pretty clearly, and you’ll only look extra gracious if you rise above it.

No matter what, the best thing you can do is just privately agree with your partner that it is a little odd, and then move on. I know plenty of polyamorous people who have partners with the same or similar names, and it’s actually very manageable. If someone else makes a comment about it, give it a shrug and a smile, and say that you appreciate their good taste in names as well as partners.

I was dating a guy, we’ll call him Mark and his wife Nicole. Mark and Nicole were both poly. I started dating Mark and Nicole seemed great at first. She lost a relationship then it seemed like things got harder for her. Once Mark and I decided that we loved each other she was pretty much done. I had no intention of taking him away from her, ever. I am also married and I don’t want to be with just Mark. So Nicole decided that Mark had to cut things off with me. It has been over a month now and I just heard from Mark. He told me that things aren’t working out between him and Nicole, and they are getting a divorce. He wants to talk to me again after the divorce is finalized. Should I date him after the divorce is complete? I feel kind of all over the place with my emotions at the moment!!!

I don’t see why not. You know that you and Mark are good together, and the only reason you two broke up was because of issues with his wife. Now he has decided that he no longer wants to be with his wife, so the issue that broke you two up is gone, and he wants to resume the relationship.

If your “all over the place” emotions are coming from this internalized social rule that you shouldn’t date people recently after a divorce, you can pretty safely let go of those. You know a lot about who Mark is and how your relationship functions, and if you want to get back together with him, I see no reason not to.

But if those emotions are coming from genuine concerns that you have, of course, definitely sit with them and see if you can parse them out. Are you worried that there will be more drama with him? Did his decision to “cut things off” with you based on his wife’s demands reduce your trust in him? Think about why you’re feeling hesitant about getting back together with him, and communicate clearly with him about those issues. It’s okay to take things slowly and want to just chat or be friends for a while before jumping back into a relationship if that’s what you want.

Before happy hour last night, Reaction Junkie and I attempted to go to this awesome new vegan place in the city. I led us on a wild goose chase to the location that was 1) Farther away from where happy hour is and 2) Not even open yet. Sigh. I was pretty embarrassed/mad at myself and decided to go to the location near happy hour (and by near it is literally a 1 minute walk from where happy hour is and you can see it from happy hour and oh gods I’m so bad at life sometimes) by myself and let Reaction Junkie start his night. As soon as my food came I cheered right the fuck up. A chicken burger with ranch, buffalo chicken wings, and spicy chocolate cake? Yes please! So fucking awesome.

When I got to happy hour, I was still feeling a little socially uncomfortable, so i drank my first drink pretty quickly, and wandered over to talk to people. MLAM had texted me about a girl, Pearl, who was new to happy hour and she and I had talked a little via text. When I found her, Reaction Junkie had already figured out who she was, and we all started talking. She’s great! She was fun to talk to, engaged, and interesting. MLAM is kind of ridiculous, helping me make a friend even when he’s not there. In fact, part of my conversation with her resulted in me talking to even more people and making more new friends, so he helped me make more than one friend.

After a little while, we all headed upstairs to watch Reaction Junkie tie up Kitten. While we watched, I started chatting with Pearl and other people, and by the end of the evening, we’d all (including Reaction Junkie and Kitten) bonded over the idea of sneaky drinking in public and wandering around the city some weekend soon. Reaction Junkie doesn’t drink (Useful! It’s one of the reasons I keep him around.), so he will be tasked with herding us cats, but he likes cats, so that’s all good.

Towards the end of the evening, The Violinist dragged me away to do a mini scene. He’d gotten me in rope for a little while on Saturday before I had to abort the scene, and was eager to get me in it again, because, as he said, “You really like being in rope, I could tell at the start.” He tied my arms behind my back and then made fun of me for being so turned on and grinding against him while straddling him. He teased me, both physically and mentally, hurt me, scratched me, grabbed me, bit me hard enough and long enough to leave marks, and kissed me a lot.

During our aborted scene on Saturday, The Violinist told me that he wanted to spend more time with me. The way he said it made me think he’d been thinking about it for at least a little while, and I was super happy to hear him say it. I definitely squeed inside. I told him I’d like to spend more time with him, as well. I think my dynamic with him is becoming more of a dating/relationship/partner thing than just (not just in a bad way, play partners are awesome!) a play partner thing.

So, while we were playing at happy hour, I was thinking about that, and about the fact that he’s leaving soon for a two week long road trip. As we made out and The Violinist hurt me, I said that I would miss him while he was gone. He kind of laughed at me, gave me a look, kissed me, and then said, “I suppose I’ll kind of miss you, too.” I grinned and looked at him, skeptical about the qualifications. I told him he should text me and that I’d send nudes whenever he wanted. He considered this and said I better do it every day. He gave me an assignment! I love assignments! Being given small, fairly simple tasks to do, especially to do daily, is something I really like. Assignments serve as a nice reminder of my role that I can get even when I’m not physically with a partner, and I feel warm and subby when I am given one, and then again, while I’m completing it.

The Violinist and I made out, talked, and cuddled until it was time to go to the fast food place next door. I said a final goodbye to him and headed over. There was more fun conversation to be had there, and then Reaction Junkie, Kitten, and I grabbed the train back to Reaction Junkie’s place. We’d had plans for a while to do another cuddle sleepover with all three of us, so this time I was prepared and ready. When we got on the train, there weren’t any spots where three open seats were near each other, but a guy got up and gave us his seat, so we all got to sit together. Reaction Junkie was oh so pleased for bringing home to sexy women. He’s pretty adorable.

We had some more great, if possibly too loud, conversation on the train on the way home. We got back and got ready for bed, and then started discussing sleeping arrangements. I had said I wanted to be in the middle, and I stuck with that. Normally I’m actually somewhat uncomfortable cuddling with people I’m not having sex with, for whatever reason (physical affection-deprived childhood??? weird issues with touching people??? idk), but this time I decided just to try it and see how I’d feel. Kitten was the littlest spoon, then me, then Reaction Junkie. I put my arm around Kitten and Reaction Junkie put his arm around both of us. I felt surprisingly at ease and comfortable with the physical contact. We flipped around a couple times, and got hella warm because there were three of us in bed, but I really enjoyed it. Kitten told me the next morning that I’m comfortable, which made me happy. She’s awful comfortable, too.

This situation with Kitten and Reaction Junkie is basically perfect training wheels to deal with jealousy and figuring out my feelings and how to be comfortable being around a partner and a metamour. She’s not exactly a metamour since she isn’t looking for a relationship and isn’t poly, which makes it easier to sort out my reactions. We’re going to have another cuddle threesome on Friday. This time, instead of feeling somewhat negatively about it, like the first time, or mostly neutral, like on Tuesday, I’m really looking forward to it.

she said it, not me - 17/12/19

my metamour and I were talking about music and we have VERY different tastes and then she said this

so then I spent like 3 hours distractedly doing this. I probably should’ve been in bed because I’m still not well but…