genre: fluff, angst (10k)

summary: who would’ve known that the boy on the blue bicycle would change the way you view life and save you from yourself? (fools!universe)

warning: mentions of depression and anxiety.

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seoul.

this place that looked so bright and full of life, made you feel like the loneliest person in the world.

seoul.

a place where everyone seemed to know everyone and no one at the same time, this maze of a place is what you would call home for the next year and so.

being a transfer student was hard enough on its own, being an introverted art transfer student was even harder. all the friends who came with you had already found home in the people around them and in the places they chose to live in but you were stuck here, in this admittedly beautiful apartment, but even as beautiful as it was, you didn’t have anyone to fill the silence in the air around you.

your friends were good people though, they knew how hard it would be for you to adjust which is why they constantly spent time with you but you have urged them to not bother with that anymore, they’re in a new place with a treasure box full of memories and fun to unbox and you are no one to hold them back.

and loneliness isn’t an unfamiliar feeling, so you don’t feel too down about it.

but you do wish that you had someone to open your treasure box with, someone who sits beside you as you unpack the stories you would tell in the future, someone who would be the main character in your stories, the one who knows everything about you, someone who listens to the dreams you whisper into the night.

you had simple dreams.

your dream was to escape the cage you put yourself in.

and you’ll get there, your hope is flickering and exhausted but it exists, it urges you to breath everyday even if it’s hard, even if you want to run away and never talk to anyone again, your tiny light of hope that you’ll reach your dream, is what keeps you alive.

besides, seoul has too many pretty café’s, bakery’s, and skylines for you to give up here, you would rather give up in a place where everything is mundane and monotone, kind of like your home before you came here.

your hands lay limp beside you as you take a break from molding your sculpture, the clay drying on your hand feels uncomfortable, the night keeps getting colder as midnight strikes, and you feel tired in all aspects but that isn’t a valid excuse to the world, and it is especially a lousy excuse to your teacher who will grade this assignment in a few months from now.

you have just a few months to finish this intricate design of a woman falling down, you’re half-way done with her head but your mind doesn’t let you imagine what a descent would look like, a descent of a spectacular woman like the one you’ve made deserves to be show-stopping and you can’t come up with it.

what made you think that being an art major student would be a good idea?

you are clearly not cut out for it and the consolation and peace you used to feel every time your hands moved to create something is largely absent from your recent works, you feel like you can’t do anything right these days.

you are so cruel to yourself, even when the world is enough cruel to you, you press yourself to feel more pain, to hurt yourself a little more and you feel utterly useless in this large world filled with talented people.

art used to be your thing, it used to make you feel like a blooming flower during spring, it used to make you feel like you’re having the wildest party all in your head and it broke your heart into many more pieces when you didn’t feel that rush of emotions anymore.

you loudly sigh and check the time; it’s a little past midnight and you can only guarantee your safety if you start leaving now considering you want to take a ride to han river before you head home as well. you arrange your supplies in the right order and wave goodbye to the unfinished sculpture, grabbing your bicycle and then you’re gone in the wind.

the world doesn’t seem as cruel with breeze flying through your hair and your hands tightly wound on the bicycle you’ve rented for the time being, it was cheaper and you needed a way of transport in this expensive city, and you don’t like buses even if they’re more accessible, you prefer your lilac bike.

han river is one place that feels like home in this cold city, it’s the one place you will let yourself get lost in, you screech your cycle to a stop and step off the bike, there’s not a lot of people in sight, a few couples here and there, some people walking their dog and then your bench. well, it’s not your bench but whenever you’re here, it’s always empty and you just claimed it as yours but this time, it’s not.

you squint your eyes as you walk your bike to the bench, the usually empty bench seems to be occupied by a tall man, who doesn’t seem to notice anything around him, his cap is lowered just enough to cover his eyes and his stature is slightly slouched over, you only notice a notebook on his lap once you get close enough.

“is there anything i can help you with?” a gentle but deep voice breaks your train of thoughts and that is when you realize you’re staring at him, you panic and quickly bow in apology, palms already sweaty at having to come up with an excuse.

“i-i’m so sorry, i didn’t mean to stare, this bench is usually empty which i was confused that’s all, enjoy your night” you bow again in apology, eyes squeezing shut, you want to run away and never come back, even your safe place has an embarrassing memory attached to it now.

“no no it’s okay” he lightly chuckles and you feel grateful to the kind stranger.

“if you want, there’s place for one more” he pats the empty space next to him and finally lifts his head, with his cap no longer getting in your way, you almost gasp at how handsome the man is, his eyes especially, you don’t think you’ve seen more beautiful eyes in your life.

“i don’t want to intrude, really it’s okay” you nervously say, hands squeezing the handles of your bike tighter.

“you’re not intruding, technically this is public property so you can do what you want.” he shrugs.

he’s not wrong. and his voice is awfully soothing to the ear so yeah, maybe you’ll take that seat.

you rest your bike against the tree beside it, noticing another bike resting against it and sheepishly sit down next to the man with the blue bike and comforting voice. you lean back with a sigh of relief, still a little stiff because you’re sitting next to a stranger but you don’t feel as uncomfortable as you usually do around new people.

you like that.

you like not freezing every time someone unfamiliar talks to you.

“my name’s kim namjoon, by the way” he lifts his hand with a huge smile and your eyes admire the deep dimples on his cheek, he looks friendly and awfully too nice.

too nice.

“y/n” your cheeks are already flushed and you manage to only whisper your name as you shake his hand, his hand feels warm and welcome.

“so, y/n, which university do you go to, assuming that you are still a student?” you’re surprised that he is trying to make conversation with you but you find yourself not minding it at all.

“still a student and this university” you lift your phone to show him the university on your phone and his eyes spark with recognition. it isn’t good to show strangers which university you go to but namjoon looks harmless, you just hope he’s as harmless as he seems.

“we go to the same university” he smiles at you and you bite your lip, you’ve never seen him around.

“do we? what do you major in?” you slip your phone into your pocket and look at him.

the moonlight looks especially stunning on him.

“it’s pretty boring, business and history” he sheepishly scratches the back of his head and you shake your head immediately.

“everything feels boring after a while, i’m sure you’ll find something special in those subjects too” you wish you could say the same to yourself but you’re not sure if your love for art will ever be reborn again. you don’t notice namjoon’s fond eyes looking at you as you worry about yourself.

“what course do you take?”

“art” you answer shyly.

“that’s so cool” and usually, whenever you tell people that you’re an art major, you see a constant wariness in their eyes, judging you, judging your future and they proceed to ask questions about how you’ll build yourself from scratch. questions like that scared you.

namjoon doesn’t say anything but a simple compliment, simple but sincere and that’s really all you need. you smile at him, sincerely for the first time in months.

“you come here often?” it keeps surprising you that he continues the conversation but you’re grateful that he does, you have no way to continue it yourself.

“not a lot of other places to go to when you’re a broke college student.” namjoon chuckles at your dull tone and you find that you like that, you like making him laugh like he is right now.

“you’re right, seoul is as expensive as it can get.” his tone is whiny and…cute? everything about namjoon is cute as far as you can tell.

“tell me about it, can’t buy a decent cup of coffee without having to sell my kidney.” he laughs once again and at the sound of his laughter, a familiar bloom of happiness starts slowly in your body too. and you grin at him.

“well i bear good news for you, dear broke college student, i happen to be the owner of a bakery near the campus, it’s called ‘joonie,’ don’t question the name please, and you’re welcome anytime, i promise to give a hefty discount.” his voice is teasing and filled with playfulness which makes you giggle, his eyes widen at your loud giggle, before they disappear because of his huge smile.

“not for free?” you decide to tease him back and he throws a glare at you, though a smile stays dancing on his lips.

“i will be the broke college student then” you laugh breathlessly into the chilly night and you feel free. you don’t feel your cage around you, even if it was just for that moment or two.

and you know that’s it all because of the man with the blue bike sitting right next to you.

maybe, just maybe, seoul isn’t as lonely of a place as you thought it would be.

-

that night, you fell asleep with a warm feeling trapped in your body, namjoon insisted to walk you, and even with all the sirens of stranger danger, you let him, it was a lovely walk, you made each other laugh as the night grew colder and right at your door, he gave you a smile you would remember forever, that’s how special it felt to you.

now, that you’re alone again, you don’t feel as warm and fuzzy anymore, you are cold as ice like any other day.

you don’t know why you are, the way you are but you are. you exist, fading in and out of reality, but you exist. and you have responsibilities, you have teachers back home to make proud, you have a family waiting for your calls, you have assignments to finish, you have a life that you can’t just resign from.

your hands drip with wet clay as you focus on finishing the head of your falling lady, you feel your approaching sadness over the emotions you miss, your hands carefully press and smooth on her face, you don’t want to mess her up and you need your scholarship if you want to stay or continue in seoul. but you still feel hollow, devoid of the capability to feel anything.

you lean back on the uncomfortable wooden stool which digs into your skin from time to time, you can’t even reach for your phone with how messy your hands are and you groan, desperately trying to get your head back into it.

“can’t focus?” you hear the same, deep voice and you immediately snap your head at the entrance of the studio room to see namjoon leaning on the doorframe, he had a nervous smile on his face with slightly widened eyes and you immediately felt bashful under his careful gaze.

“it’s nothing new” you say honestly and he hums, walking into the room and sitting on the other side of your table.

“i hope you don’t think is creepy, you told me you were in the art department and i was going to head home, but the light was turned on here so i assumed there would be a chance of you being here, and i just wanted to check, i swear it sounds creepy but it’s n-“ you cut his nervous rambling with a small chuckle, waving your hand to dismiss his worries.

“it’s alright, really” you reassure him and he sighs in relief.

“i’m not here to distract you though, you can keep working, i’ll leave.” he gives you a smile and gets ready to leave but you don’t want him to go.

“no, stay.” you say and immediately feel a blush creep over your face when he shrugs happily and sits back down.

“i could use a distraction right now, is what i meant” you try to cover you but you know that namjoon doesn’t buy that excuse, he just nods with a playful roll of his eyes.

“in that case, can i take you somewhere?” and you don’t say no.

-

in namjoon’s poorly lit bakery, which apparently runs 24/7, you feel good sitting opposite to him and you don’t mind the open environment because there’s barely anyone here.

“you were doing a sculpture when i came in, right?” you nod, fingers curling around the coffee cup in front of you.

“the idea is to make it a falling woman.”

“i can’t imagine that being easy.” namjoon tilts his head with a small frown.

“you’re right, it’s not. which is why i’m struggling with it” you smile tightly, your mind once again invading you with your inability to finish it.

“it’s not easy but i’m sure you can do it.” he reassures you and as much as you want to believe it, you don’t have it in you.

“right” you mumble with a strained smile and namjoon picks up on your sour mood.

“it’s hard to focus sometimes, burnouts are very natural especially if it’s a creative process like yours, so take it easy, work as hard as you can when you’re motivated, and take breaks when you don’t feel motivated” you just stare at him with your mouth agape, because no one’s tried to comfort you like this and you don’t even know namjoon all that well.

“thank you, like seriously thank you” you are grateful to him, his words did give you a small push, to continue your assignment.

“you don’t have to thank me, just be sure to show me when you’re done with it, yeah?” he smiles at you and you nod happily, you decide right then that he’ll be the first person you show because you really don’t know anyone else in this city.

“enough about me, tell me about you.”

“i like writing songs.” you widen your eyes in excitement and urge him to continue, at your enthusiastic reaction, he lets out a little laugh and rubs the back of his neck.

“me and my friends, we recently rented a studio, the goal is to be a producing group together, we’re pretty solid” he explains and your respect and admiration for him grows ten-fold.

you want to ask him to listen to one of his works but you’re not sure if you’re there yet.

“one day, maybe if we keep meeting like this, you can listen to something by me.”  he suggests and you’re delighted that he says it himself.

“one day” you smile gleefully at him and he smiles right back.

you may not like seoul just yet, but you like namjoon.

you like namjoon a lot.

-

you don’t stop meeting namjoon, whether it be at your art studio when he visits you late at night, and it feels so delicate with no one else but you two. or whether you meeting him during his shift in the library and then walking to the bakery and staying there till it gets too late.

you enjoy his company; you enjoy making him laugh and knowing more about him.

and you only hope that he enjoys it just as much as you do.

you really, really hope that he does.

“you look cute when you concentrate” you suddenly hear namjoon’s voice as your hands smooth over your woman’s cheeks, your movements pause on the sculpture, looking at him with widened eyes and he simply grins at you, you snap your head back and start running your hands on her face, ignoring the butterflies in your chest.

“oh right, the other day, you asked me when i would let you listen to my music?” you immediately abandon your sculpture to lean towards him with an eager smile on your face and namjoon chuckles bashfully at your reaction.

one thing that you both constantly talked about was his music, since you got to know about it, your curiosity was endless, and namjoon was more than happy to feed your thoughts, telling you everything from his inspiration to write lyrics to where he gets his equipment and why he writes the lyrics he does.

“well, today’s the day if you want to go” you don’t even answer him, shuffling out of your seat and putting your sculpture, and namjoon watches with amusement as you hurriedly arrange everything and run around to finish as quickly as you can.

“let’s go” you gasp breathlessly as you come back to him while stuffing your arms into your cardigan and namjoon gestures you to calm down with the same amused smile.

“i’m calm, now take me” you whine as you grab his hand, dragging him out of your studio.

-

you both are giggling all the way up to his studio, namjoon either tickling you whenever you talk too much or you mess up his hair by pulling his hoodie on his head over and over again, you’re nothing but all smiles as you reach the room. the lights are already on and you hear light noise coming from the inside, namjoon looks over at you and then places his hand on the door.

“i guess, you’re also meeting my friends today” he smiles at you and you freeze, and just as you’re about to grab his hand and run back to your studio, he pushes the door open and pulls you in with him.

you are met with three pairs of unfamiliar eyes who immediately look up at the intrusive sound and the new person in the room. you instinctively move behind namjoon a little, but then he’s tutting at you and pulling you gently in front of him, all while the four pair of eyes never leave your intertwined fingers.

your feet stop moving as you only look at the ground, letting namjoon start the conversation.

“everyone, meet y/n, she’s my…friend” he breathes out and you don’t lift your head, just nodding in acknowledgement. you hear people shuffle around before a hand comes into your vision, you look up to see a man with a bright smile on his face.

“name’s hoseok, nice to meet you” you slowly shake his hand as he keeps smiling at you, you feel yourself smile back at him involuntarily. someone pushes hoseok out of the way and even as he turns to curse at them, another hand extends itself towards you.

“hello, i’m taehyung” he doesn’t wait for you to take his hand but eagerly reaches for it and shakes it roughly, making you giggle at his frantic actions, and then one more hand takes his place.

“yoongi, good to meet you” he offers you a small smile and you smile back at him.

“this isn’t everyone by the way, just the half” and you’re glad because your social battery isn’t charged for more people.

“now, i came here to show y/n something so, everyone out” namjoon points to the door with his thumb and everyone except you starts whining and complaining but they do start to gather their things, hoseok leaves first but not without telling you that you should hang out one day and yoongi does the same, taehyung pauses at the door before turning with a smirk.

“you’re kicking us to kiss y/n, right?” he teases and you choke on your own breath, namjoon also blushes and looks away before pushing the boy out.

“sorry about that” he scratches the back of his neck and you wave your hand to dismiss his worries, shyly pushing your hair back.

“okay, let’s do this” he claps his hands, sitting in front of a large monitor, you sit right beside him, leaning over to see him clicking over many files to find the song he wanted to play for you.

he looks at you with a nervous smile and you nudge him to press play already and when he does, you don’t think about anything but the sound that surrounds you.

it’s an alternating beat, flowing between a softer to a harsher beat, the lyrics and namjoon’s voice engulfing you, telling you story about an ending, a bye which isn’t pleasent, and it makes you tear up, because the feeling that you missed with your art slowly spreads in your chest, covering inches of you in miniscule crawls but just the return of those feelings makes you want to break down on the floor in happiness.

you listen with awe written all over your face and namjoon doesn’t disturb you, doesn’t ask you how it is, just lets you feel his words in peace.

at the end of the song, he doesn’t even ask you if you like the song or not, he simply smiles at your teary eyes and wipes a few tears that stopped on the apples of your cheeks.

“sometimes, i’m afraid” he quietly says, the music long fading into background and now, it’s only him that matters.

“afraid of what?”

“that i won’t go somewhere with this” he gestures to the equipment and lyric sheets messily thrown on the desk, the tension is heavy in the room with namjoon’s dull mood, and you take his hand in yours.

“you made me feel something that i never thought i would feel again, i was so scared that i lost the part of me that could feel but that one song revived me, and if that happened with me, i’m sure your music will resonate to a lot of others too, and you don’t have to go somewhere with this, you’re already there as long as you love what you’re doing.”  you tell the words you wished someone would say to you, because namjoon, out of anyone else you knew, deserved to hear those words.

he’s grateful for your words as he takes your hand in his and presses a gentle kiss on it. your smile is wider than it’s ever been and you know that it’s only because of him. and with that kiss, you also know that it’s not just you who is falling.

“thank you” he mutters, cupping your hands gently in his.

“you can thank me by playing more songs” you cheekily say and namjoon lifts his hands in surrender with a low chuckle, already looking for more songs to play for you, but now, it’s less about showing you his work and more about seeing that look on your face as you completely get lost in the song.

that’s how you spend the night, you end up in full blown tears at some point, and namjoon laughs as he keeps wiping them with his sweater and you don’t want the night to end, you don’t want to stop crying around namjoon because you get too into your feels about the song, you don’t him to stop wiping your tears away because it’s him, and any moment with him, laughter or sobs, feels right.

how are you ever supposed to tell him that you have to leave?

-

you stir lightly in your slumber, being unable to stretch as much as you want to and with an annoyed groan, you open your eyes to meet..a chest?

yeah, that’s someone’s chest, you’re very sure it is.

you snap your head up even in your half sleepy state to see namjoon still blissfully in dream land.

then you look at your surroundings, you never left the studio last night and right now, you’re all cuddled up to namjoon and the warmth around you two is a good change from the weather outside.

you don’t mind this, you don’t mind this at all.

you lazily smile before snuggling closer and trying to fall asleep again, but then you hear noises, voices to be more exact and it’s coming from right outside the door, you internally panic but don’t have the energy to try and move.

you hear the creak of the door opening, and squeeze your eyes shut, hoping that whoever it is, just goes away and leaves you until you can run out. the voices immediately pause, and you know that they’re looking at you.

“no way” someone chuckles in disbelief and if you remember right, the voice belongs to taehyung. you feel namjoon move in his sleep and expect him to get up abruptly to explain to his friends whatever this was. but just like you, he doesn’t move.

“what are you doing here so early?” he groans, cradling your face deeper into his chest and you feel a rosy blush erupting in your cheeks at his low voice and the new closer proximity.

“it’s saturday, namjoon” hoseok answers.

“i get that but can you leave till she gets up and goes back? i don’t want her to be uncomfortable when she wakes up.” your heart warms at how considerate he is of you and stifle your laugh when they playfully complain to namjoon, loud enough to whine but low enough to not disturb you, they still think you’re asleep.

“the things we do for young love” yoongi dramatically mutters.

“you better buy us a round of drinks later, hyung” you hear taehyung complain but you also hear a smile in his complaint, like he actually doesn’t mind at all.

“yeah yeah, now get out.”

“so bossy” hoseok mutters one last time before the door closes and you deeply exhale in relief.

“you can open your eyes now, they’re gone” namjoon brushes your hair away from your face and you squirm in his arms, darting your eyes up as you look at him, you feel totally in bliss in his arms with sunlight shining on you two.

am i suffocating you?

do i make you happy like you make me?

am i hurting you, because i’ve done that before?

how will i leave you behind?

like a response to all your questions, namjoon places a soft kiss on your forehead before his lips trail all across your face, delicately drawing patterns on your face and then his lips pause at yours.

but you don’t back away like you expected yourself to and he doesn’t either, only holds you tighter.

-

the smile on your face doesn’t budge as you finish your falling lady’s head, it’s finally done, and you’re honestly in love with her, you’re in love with everything about her face, from her eyelashes that are startled open, lips slightly parted, eyebrows raised in an elegant way and her face contorted in a peaceful shock. even when falling, she’s supposed to be the most graceful woman. and she looks like it too.

you feel at peace, not as jittery as you used to be, you still get the occasional sinking feeling of fear and disappointment but you don’t let it take over you like it used to.

even your hands covered with clay don’t feel uncomfortable, they don’t feel suffocating, they feel freeing, you’re slowly re-discovering love, both for art and in people. and you know why you feel better than you have in years.

the door to the art studio swings open and you barely recognize namjoon who stumbles in through.

you also understand why love is addictive.

“do you need help with that?” you get up from your stool when you see namjoon carrying a huge stack of books in his arms. you hear a groan in reply and stifle a laugh as you wipe your hands on your apron and take half the stack from him, placing them on your desk with a huff.

“why are you carrying these around?” you ask as he sits down opposite to you.

“new books, i need to write their titles down in this register” he lifts a large, rectangular book from the desk with a look of dread on his face.

“you couldn’t do that in the library? carrying all of these books back will be exhausting.”

“i just wanted to spend time with you” he nervously chuckles and you feel your cheeks warm up.

“then you did a good thing” you smile at him and both of you work silently, you continue to start the body of your lady and namjoon scribbles through many of those books.

you know you have to tell him, that your time here, that your time with him is limited and you know he deserves to know before both of you get too deep into this to get out.

“joon, there’s something you need to know” you stop drawing your pieces and he stops writing as well, putting his pen down to give you his undivided attention.

“i’m listening.” as confident as he sounds, you know that he’s nervous, it’s written all over his face.

“you know that i’m a transfer student, right?”

“right, and your course lasts for 2-3 years?” he looks so hopeful, you want to take back every word you’ve said so far and just let him believe that.

but you can’t do that anymore.

“no, it doesn’t” you look away from him and he frowns.

“does it last for longer then?” you hate this. you really hate this.

“i’m staying here only for a couple more months, like 4-5 now.” you purse your lips and stay silent as you wait for his reaction, he doesn’t say anything either, his frown gets deeper and you almost feel like you’re betraying him. which you are.

“i’m sorry, i just need a minute” he gets up from his seat and your eyes nervously follow his movement.

“of course, take your time” you mumble as he exits the art studio and you feel your heart sinking as soon as the door shuts close and you’re all alone again.

the motivation you had when you first started the night of sculpting, left your body as soon as the sound of the door clicking shut filled the air, your shoulders slump and your hands lay limp by your side, and before you know it, tears slide down your cheeks as you purse your lips.

you had just stopped getting used to being lonely but now that the feeling comes rushing back to you, you hate it.

-

you don’t hear from namjoon for the next two days and you’re left tossing right and left in your bed and trying to ignore the tears that stain your pillows.

you should’ve told him sooner, you should’ve let him know that even if you had time, it wouldn’t be much, but maybe he thought it was better to leave you while he could.

it’s not like it hurt any less for you though, because you really did like namjoon, you might even love him if you could convince yourself that you were capable of love, you have never felt the way with anyone else but namjoon, that feeling of just teetering over the edge before you completely get lost in him.

every time your phone buzzes, your heart leaps in your throat and you hurriedly grab it but it’s never him.

you lazily structure the body of your sculpture, messing up frequently and with each mistake, you feel more annoyed, not only with yourself, but with the world, for filling your life with warmth only to leave it chilling cold like it always has been.

and one more mistake later, you throw the arm of your lady on the ground, frowning at it with a groan escaping your throat.

you’re not handling this well.

then you remember namjoon’s words, take breaks when you aren’t motivated and give it your all when you are. you feel anything but motivated so you decide to take a ride down han river for an hour and come back to your sculpture.

you warily eye the door to your art studio, you won’t tell anyone but you’ve been secretly hoping for a certain someone to burst through the door clumsily with fumbling steps and words, and you’re left dejected every time it turns out to be anyone but him.

your lilac bike is the only thing in the world that shows you mercy, the only thing that gives you the freedom to let go and you’re grateful that you chose it and not some stuffy train or bus.

you hastily throw your bike to rest on the tree adjacent to your bench and soak in the cold wind that surrounds you, no one but a few people with pets pass in front of you and even with the grey skies showing signs of a heavy rain, and the wind that chills your bones, you have never felt more at peace in these past two days than right now.

maybe you should just start getting used to being lonely again.

it’s not that bad, at least not on this bench and bike you’ve grown so fond of.

“as much as i love seeing you here, i was trying to ignore you” you hear from behind you and you don’t turn around, you know that it’s namjoon, and you’re not sure if he’s being as serious as he sounds.

“i can leave” you mumble, getting up from the bench.

“no, stay.” he appears in front of you and sits you back down before settling beside you.

“it was stupid of me to think that i could forget you simply by ignoring you, especially when i don’t want to forget.” he doesn’t sound like he’s talking to you, more talking to himself but you still listen, with your heart caught in your throat and your palms unusually sweaty even in this cold weather.

“what are you trying to say?” you sound annoyed and you are slightly, because he keeps mumbling to himself and you don’t want to get your hopes high just for him to leave you on this bench.

“i’m saying that, i don’t care if our time is limited”.

there it is, hope.

with soaring hope in your chest and eyes, you finally look at him for the first time since he’s come here.

“i don’t care because we’ll just make the most out of our time, i want to know all of you before you leave me, it’s dangerous to say that i don’t care even if it hurts, but i don’t have it in me to be scared of that right now, i’m only scared of losing you while you’re still here.” you are at a loss of words as namjoon spills his feelings on you, and the hope that soared through your chest reaches the sky when you process what he says.

but how hurt will you be at the end?

you’ve been hurt before; you can handle it. at least you think you can.

because how could you ever say no to namjoon when he’s offering you a key to the treasure of memories you’ve always wanted to open?

“now, i understand why you write songs” is the only thing you can say with your choked up voice and teary eyes, and namjoon, like always, is there to wipe your tears away.

“i’ll keep writing if you listen to them, wherever you are.”

-

with each day that you spend with namjoon, it gets harder to part ways at the end, whether it be right at the front of your door or at the studio, saying goodbye, even for a few hours, felt painful and it was evident that namjoon felt the same way too.

the grip on your hand tightens as leaves fall around you two, you’re back near han river and namjoon is busy writing lyrics in front of you while you sketch away anything that comes to your mind. you don’t feel as frantic about your sculpture now that you’ve finished the outline of her body, you’re going somewhere with it and you couldn’t be happier.

“what do you think of this?” one thing you love about sitting by namjoon as he writes his lyrics, is how he constantly reaches out to you for your opinion, you feel very special that your opinion matters to him.

you take the notebook from his hands and glance over the lyrics, it’s just as tear-jerking but eye-opening as all of his songs are, you hand it back to him with a grin on your face and that’s how he knows that you love it.

“i wanted to ask you this, how did you feel when i didn’t talk to you for those few days?” the question is sudden but you’re not caught off guard, you knew it was only a matter of time before it would come up.

“lonely, just lonely.” was your honest answer.

“how did being lonely feel?” he asks as he continues scribbling on his notebook.

“familiar but not that bad” you know that your answer is straight forward enough to jerk namjoon’s scribbles to a pause. he looks guilty as he raises his head to you and you are taken aback when he takes your hand in his and rubs circles on the back of it.

“now that i’m here, you never have to get used to or settle for ‘not that bad’, okay?”

“okay.” you smile at him and he smiles back, you feel content, happy even that you could find someone here, that you found namjoon here.

-

as weeks go by, both you and namjoon get busier, him with a deadline for a demo and you with your sculpture, it’s only a matter of two months before you have to send it for evaluation and even as you are finishing your sculpture, your heart is beating a million times faster, both out of excitement and fear.

your lady looks like every bit of the royalty that she is, at least so far, the cloth that drapes along her body and flies in the air, looks delicate, soft to touch, easy to break, and you couldn’t be prouder about it.

you hear your phone ring and a large smile takes over your face when you see who’s calling.

“hey, i missed you” namjoon can hear the pout in your voice as you speak and he internally coos.

“you don’t have to anymore, i’m outside your studio, i was hoping to take you somewhere since we haven’t seen each other for a few days now.”

“you’re outside?” you glance out the window to see namjoon waiting in a car, he waves his hand when he catches you looking.

you look like crap right now.

“okay, give me a minute or five..” you trail off and cut the call before he can object.

you run from your studio to the washroom with your makeup bag, frantically powdering your oily face and touching up your faded lipstick, you swiped your hands across your hair and pray internally that it won’t poof up. and once you look half-decent, you pat your cheeks roughly and run back to the studio, shoving your makeup bag into a desk and grabbing your usual bag before running out the door.

“are you okay? you look a little out of breath” he asks as you slide into the car, while desperately trying to catch your breath, you hurriedly nod, pulling your seatbelt on.

“okay” he laughs and starts the car.

a calm conversation flows between you two as namjoon drives you to whatever mystery place he wants to take you and you couldn’t feel more at peace with your windows down, making your hair the mess you were afraid it would be but you didn’t care, with namjoon right next to you, nothing else seemed to matter and it didn’t, no one has mattered to you the way namjoon has.

the sun has almost set and you excitedly take pictures of the ever-changing colors of the sky and show them to namjoon who marvels over them with you.

you could get used to this.

you could totally get used to this.

namjoon stops his car right at a small lake, with trees all around you and you can’t hear the loud city or traffic anymore at all, it’s just you, him, rippling water and fresh air. you shiver as you get down the car with namjoon, tugging your jacket closer.

“normally, it would be ideal if it was summer right now but we can’t wait for that” namjoon tells you as he pushes his jacket off his body and you widen your eyes at him.

“you’re crazy, don’t tell me that we’re getting close to that” you point to the lake with quivering lips and namjoon shrugs, removing his boots and wincing at the cold ground.

“this is a bad idea; we will be sick for days.” you shake your head, refusing to let go of your jacket and namjoon laughs at your worried face as he pushes his jeans up.

“and after that, we will be fine. so, shall we?” namjoon reasons and extends his hand towards you, and all your worries about being sick, about probably catching a nasty cold for weeks that could hinder your work, fly away. you sigh in defeat and unwillingly push your jacket away, already cursing everything out and namjoon is having the time of his life, watching you struggle.

“don’t you think taking our clothes off would be better? we will just have wet clothes at the end of this” you grumble as you take your shoes off.

“if you want to take your clothes off, i don’t mind” comes namjoon’s cheeky reply and you pick your jacket from the hood of his car and throw it on his grinning face.

“you know that i didn’t mean it like that” you flush red, both because of the weather and other reasons that namjoon is very aware of.

“of course, come on now, it’s worse just standing here.” and before you fully prepare yourself, namjoon pulls you with him to the edge of the lake, dipping his toe in and shivering, encouraging you to do the same but you know that if you did that, you will be running back to the car.

so, with a smirk, you take your hand from namjoon and push him in, giggling when he screams and the splashing water lands around you, he comes back up, completely drenched as you double over in laughter, he shakes his head at you, ruffling his hair out and before you realize, he’s at the shore, leaning against it with his arms crossed and watching you with a small smile.

“are you going to leave me alone here?” he pouts at you.

“maybe” you tease him and then he’s jumping out of the water, coming towards you with a determined look on his face and you struggle to keep your eyes on his face because his clothes are literally transparent right now. and before you know it, you’re pushed into the water followed closely by namjoon who jumps in next to you.

you gasp for air as you come up, the cold water freezing your nerves but you’re laughing, you’re laughing out of the pure joy and adrenaline that flows through you and namjoon’s laughing with you.

and you don’t think you have been this happy in your life, in your whole entire life, being frozen to your bones is the happiest moment. you start to splash water on namjoon who retaliates by scooping up water and throwing it right on your face.

just when you’re about to start kicking water on him, his arms wrap around you, forehead pressing against yours with a sigh and you stop moving.

“i don’t want to leave this place.” he whispers to you, even with the cold weather, his breath is hot and his body heat is warming you slowly.

in this cold world, both figuratively and physically, namjoon made you feel like the warmest sunlight.

i don’t want to leave you, are the words right at the tip of your tongue.

“we’ll die if we don’t get out soon” you joke instead and namjoon laughs, pulling away to cup your face in his hands, fingers smoothing over your face and your eyes flutter close at the gentle action.

“is there really no way i can make you stay?” you want to cry at how sincere and desperate he sounds.

“no, but you can make my stay worthwhile like you are doing right now” your answer is honest but you’re just as desperate as he is, you don’t want to go home where you have nothing but a monotonous, color-less life but you have no choice.

how can you say goodbye to this face that made the cruel world warmer in every sense?

as a tear escapes your eye, namjoon doesn’t wipe it away like he usually does, he curls his fingers around your cheek and pulls you closer until you can feel all of him, and this time, he kisses your tears away, slowly, like he has all the time in the world and your hands curl around his arms, gripping him like he will go away if you don’t hold him tight enough all while the water flows steadily around you.

he pulls away with a grin and you smile back almost instantly.

namjoon has always thought that people were more capable of hurting than loving but looking at you, shining under the stars and smiling at him like he’s the only person in the world, he believes people are just as capable of loving as they are of hurting.

“i have wanted to do that for so long now” he mutters.

“why didn’t you?”

“it didn’t feel right until now.”

“was it okay..for you?” he asks with pursed lips and you giggle at his nervous expression.

“i don’t think i’ve felt more alive in my whole life.” he beams at your answer, patting your head making you giggle again.

“well, we can just keep doing that then” he exclaims cheerfully and you cheer with him, already reaching for his face.

and again, it’s just you, him and the flowing water that freezes your bones.

with namjoon, seoul doesn’t feel lonely.

not at all.

-

you are the most dressed up you’ve ever been since you’ve come to seoul, with a simple fitting black dress, minimal jewelry and strappy heels, you feel confident standing next to your falling lady which lays vertically on the ground.

you are finally done with her, all of her, her elegant face, her sheer clothes that fly in the air as she falls, her hands grabbing onto open air, she looks desperate to be saved but she looks beautiful even on the ground.

and you’re proud, for the first time in ages, you feel like you have created something that can truly convey what you feel.

bliss, is the only thing you feel even with your sculpture that’s done and ready to present to your teachers and other enthusiasts, but your attention is divided as you keep checking the door to see if namjoon will bust in because you really want him the first person to see it.

“here, joon, here!” you wave your hand frantically in the full studio to try and catch namjoon’s attention who just enters through the door, he locates you in the room and quickly makes his way over to you.

the first thing he does is give you a warm hug and pushes a bouquet of delicate flowers into your hands, grinning proudly at you, he looks so proud and he hasn’t even seen the sculpture.

“you ready?” you call out excitedly, circling around your sculpture which lays under a thin blanket. namjoon shifts on his feet with a huge smile on his face.

“just remember, me showing you this is like you playing your music for me” you inform him.

“i know i will love it either way” he shrugs and you pause from lifting the cloth, narrowing your eyes at him.

“how are you so sure?”

“it’s something you poured your heart into, so i will love it” he answers sincerely and you feel flustered with his compliment, you cough awkwardly and lift the cloth off your lady.

for a few seconds, namjoon doesn’t say anything or change his expression, he circles your lady silently with observant eyes and you shift on your feet, your lips feel dry and you feel nervous all over, because his opinion matters most to you in this city, maybe even in this world.

“it’s you” he mumbles, just loud enough for you to hear.

“what do you mean?”

“you made yourself” he concludes and you blink at him, not knowing what to say.

“she’s beautiful even when she’s falling, even when she’s alone” he starts walking while he talks and stops right in front of you.

“just like you, you’re beautiful, however you are, you are the most beautiful.” you swallow the knot in your throat, no one has ever called you beautiful the way namjoon has.

“i don’t know what to say.”

“then don’t say anything, that’s alright” he lets out a breathy chuckle at your red cheeks.

“you know you don’t have to flatter me, i already like you” you tease and he shrugs.

“doesn’t hurt to get you to like me even more, right?” he winks at you and you playfully roll your eyes.

“but as much as i love you, that wasn’t my attempt to flatter you at all, you are just that good of an artist, and you are also the muse for my lyrics these days” he shyly admits the last part and you feel everything you have wanted to feel since day one of entering seoul.

namjoon truly did open your treasure of memories, and god, it will be so hard to leave him behind.

and he understood what you felt when you created her, you felt just as desperate, just as helpless as she did when you created her but you have handled it with as much grace as you could, namjoon was probably the only person who saw that.

“she is you, and i love her, like i love you.”

-

your presentation goes swimmingly, your teacher loved it, she took many pictures of it to show your potential to her superiors so they can extend your scholarship, and she did mention that the sculpture will be presented in a main art event. so that was definitely a win for you. your intrusive thoughts bother you from time to time, but they don’t hurt you as much as they used to, you don’t know if you have gotten stronger or your thoughts have gotten weaker, but you know that you’re better than you were just a few months ago.

your scholarship did not get extended, you expected that. your piece was good but some were just better, you didn’t beat yourself up like you thought you would, namjoon didn’t let you anyway.

speaking of namjoon, he’s all you have thought of now that your presentation is over, because he’s literally with you every day, putting aside his work to try and spend the last, few days with you, properly.

you’re currently sitting on the hood of his car, on top of a mountain that overlooks the city, he is stood in between your legs, feeding ice cream and listening intently to you as you keep rambling about how trust is so fickle.

“the thing is, if we’re wary of someone or a habit of theirs, it’s very easy to lose trust the second they mess up even the slightest, even if it isn’t fair to them, i just think that’s how people are.”

“you’re right, trust is very rare, you can’t say you trust someone easily, because trust is built on not time, not the relationship, but the people involved” he pauses to feed you and continues.

“i will always trust you though” you cheekily interrupt and he laughs.

“and i will always trust you.” he concludes and feeds you one last spoon while you smile gleefully at him. but then he sighs, stepping back from you and shaking his head lightly and you frown at his dejected stance.

“what is it, joon?”

“our time is almost up” he says with a sad smile and your heart tightens in your chest at his words, you know that your time is almost up, you’ve been trying to ignore that fact for so long now but you only have a day or so left with namjoon.

“before i leave” you scoot closer to him, breath stuttering at the close proximity you share with him as he eagerly waits for you to speak.

“i want you to take all of me” you have never felt as vulnerable as you do, whispering those words to namjoon under the moonlight that shines over you.

“you sure about that?” even with his eyes blown and throat closing around nothing, namjoon needs your permission to claim you.

“never been more sure about anything else in my life” you give him the permission he wants and who is he to say no to you?

-

waking up next to namjoon, in his room, wearing his t-shirt is something you wish you could do every single day but you’re out of time, you have been for a while.

“i don’t want you to leave” is the first thing namjoon says to you in the morning.

“i don’t want to leave you” is your answer, you’re no longer hesitant to say it. he gazes at you with such intensity because he really can’t believe he has to lose you just when he’s had all of you.

“how can i ever say goodbye to you?” he pulls you into him, burying his face into your neck and his sheets shift around you, it takes everything in you to not cling onto him for eternity.

“it’s okay, we had time” you mumble helplessly once you pull away from him.

“not a lot but we had time” you reassure him and this time, he’s the one who gets teary eyed. you feel your heart break at the way his face reddens as he keeps himself from crying.

“we’ll be okay” you whisper, wiping his tears as they escape his eyes, and hug him again, letting him cry into your shoulder, you feel your own sobs caught in your throat as namjoon cries on you.

“i’m sorry it had to be this way. i’m sorry i can’t stay.” you apologize with tears finally escaping your eyes and neither of you have the energy to wipe each other’s tears anymore, you only can cry and hope that time will be kind enough to stretch itself to keep you two together.

“i’m sorry i can’t come with you” comes his own apology.

“thank you for loving me, all of me” as he says that you break down in sobs because how will you ever find someone who loves you, truly loves you? you learned love with namjoon, you’re also learning goodbyes with him, but love was so easy, why were goodbyes so hard?

“thank you for being letting me be your muse.” you brush his cheeks with your fingers, trying to remember every feature of his before you have to let go. and he does the same, with sleepy but cautious eyes, he traces all of your features over and over again, like he’s forcing his body to keep you in his mind forever.

“is this really goodbye?” he asks one last time even if he knows the answer.

“i wish it wasn’t.”

-

it’s been six months since you left.

namjoon feels empty as he arranges the cups in his bakery, he sighs too often for it to be normal because every time he moves, his body reminds him of you, everything about you is etched onto every inch of him and he doesn’t think he will ever move on.

he still circles around the art studio from time to time, pathetically hoping to catch a glance of you working hard on your sculpture, looking up at him with a smile and then crashing into him to become one. he still visits han river just to recall every memory you’ve ever shared.

but he can’t bring himself to go to the lake, the lake where he kissed you like he’s always wanted to, he can’t go there knowing you will not be going with him.

he misses you. every nerve in him screams for you. his friends have been trying to get him to move on but namjoon doesn’t want to move on.

“welc-“ namjoon starts his formal greeting when he hears the door creak open, only for his mouth to hang open when he sees who is at the entrance, he races from behind the counter to rush to the entrance with wide eyes and confused but overjoyed grin.

“it’s actually you, oh my god” he whispers breathlessly as he reaches to touch your cheek and you smile tearfully at him. every night of hoping that you will be back in his arms feels worthwhile when you wrap yourself around him with a happy sigh. he caresses your hair, still not fully registering that you’re actually with him right now.

“so, what happened wa-“ you begin to explain why you’re back in the lively city of seoul and namjoon gently shushes you.

“doesn’t matter, you’re here, that’s all i care about” and with that, you melt yourself back into him, your fingers tracing patterns on his sweater, you missed him so much.

“we need to go to the lake again, i miss freezing with you” he jokes lightly but you know the desperation behind his words, he must have been waiting so long to take you.

“i am ready to freeze my bones with you again” you giggle and he pats your head with a fond smile.

“how long will you stay this time?” namjoon asks, and you notice fear in his voice, you lean back to give him your biggest smile yet. he has nothing to be scared of anymore and you don’t either.

“forever.”

belated love letter - k.nj.

genre: angst (2.5k)

summary: a love letter that he’s been writing only gets delivered, because namjoon has a lot to say even after you’ve broken up.

a/n: i made myself cry with this one.

masterlist

namjoon, a person who seemingly has answers to everything, never got the answer as to why you both drifted off.

did you both grow out of love? no, it was evident in the quivering lips and glassy eyes when you saw each other for the last time that love indeed still persisted between you two.

did you grow out of each other? no, namjoon still strongly believes that you’re the most fascinating person he’s met and he remembers how you found his mind to be the brightest of them all.

maybe the love became too much at some point. maybe love just wasn’t enough.

he’ll never know.

but something went wrong.

and it went wrong very quickly, so quickly that namjoon couldn’t even give you the one thing he promised you he would.

a love letter.

“you know, for a world-renowned lyricist, and as that lyricist’s girlfriend, i’ve never gotten a letter from you” you teased him one rainy day and he remembers the breathless chuckle that left his lips.

“do you want one?” he fiddled with your fingers that were held in his hand.

“a letter from the kim namjoon? there’s nothing else i want more” and even as the sky crackled behind the windows, and rain continuously beat them, you both could only look at each other. you looked at each other like ‘damn the rest of the world, i only have eyes for you’.

and that’s when namjoon decided that he was going to write you a letter alright, he was going to write you the best letter ever.

namjoon stared blankly at the words scribbled on the page, frowning every so often, his words were, to put it in one way, powerful. he didn’t know he was capable of feeling such strong emotions but he did know that you brought out the best in him. and the best of him was spilled on this one page that was still half empty.

namjoon felt just as empty.

he wasn’t near breaking down or crying himself to sleep, but namjoon wasn’t happy, he couldn’t deny this hollowness in his chest that’s been lingering for days now and he doesn’t need anyone else to tell him that it was because of you, he knows it. namjoon knows it all except, like mentioned before, why you both ended it but it was an unwritten realization, that it was for the best.

another thing namjoon doesn’t know is why he grabs his favorite pen, the pen he uses to write his famous lyrics, he got a new one for the album they’re working on now and starts filling in the empty space, almost feeling like he was filling himself with the emotions that he misses so dearly.

namjoon was going to give you that letter.

even if you might not want it anymore.

-

it’s been almost a year since you’ve seen namjoon and it felt like time was cruel enough to make that year feel like an eternity. it both felt like just yesterday that you and namjoon were visiting museums together and also like forever since you’ve both cuddled in whenever the weather got worse.

and you don’t know if it was good or bad that you still remember everything.

you remember how he carefully used to handle things that belonged to you because he knew you cherished them, he still broke a few but it’s the effort that counts, how you used to nap in his studio whenever it got too long and always woke up with a blanket wrapped around you, how you both used to skip around parks and also the time namjoon taught you how to finally ride a bike.

you stupidly remember it all.

you were quite sure namjoon had forgotten about you and moved on because you were just a chapter in his story that still had a long way to go. you didn’t blame him, you were trying to forget him as well, it’s just he was probably successful in forgetting you and you weren’t as successful as you’d like to be.

but to your surprise, you came home to a letter in your mailbox. you never get letters, so this left you more than a little curious as you turned the dainty lilac-colored envelope in your hand to reveal an all too familiar handwriting scribbled on top.

‘from: kim namjoon’

you expected a lot of things from namjoon but none of them came close to the letter that you held in your hand. and you couldn’t help the way your heart seemed to skip a beat only to shatter on the ground a minute later. it dawned on you that it could be a goodbye letter, and you hated goodbyes. but namjoon had never liked loose ends, he liked his endings to make just as sense as the beginnings, so you probably shouldn’t have been too surprised that he sent it.

you slowly set down your belongings and walked into your house, placing the letter on table, staring at it for a little, wondering if opening it will only hurt you more or not.

but did you even care if it will hurt?

all you’ve been this year, is hurt.

all you’ve felt this year, is hurt.

so, what’s one more letter? and he bothered enough to send it all the way to where you’ve moved. so yeah, you will read it. you could feel goosebumps rising on your skin as your fingers lightly grazed the paper, admiring his handwriting, namjoon has always had such beautiful writing.

you hastily tore open the envelope and turned it upside down, a single piece of paper, which was neatly folded fell out on the ground, you sat down next to it and with shaky fingers, you started reading the words of the man you used to love, you still love, so much.

to the love of my life, (you still are)

9/10/19

today, with beaming eyes and a happy smile on your face, you jokingly asked me for a letter and who am i to deny you? even with the breaking sky above us, you managed to make me feel like the lightest cloud floating in it and with that, i start this letter, a bare heart and with a hope that my pen doesn’t run out and also that you won’t find it, this is my little surprise to you. i will write it, day-by-day, on days i especially thank the world for giving me you so i hope as the girlfriend of world-renowned lyricist kim namjoon, that you find this satisfactory.

i love you.

19/10/19

i came back to this paper after promising that i will wait for a bit to finish it but you have me breaking all of the promises i’ve made for myself, one of them being don’t fall in love until you’re ready and i was never ready for you and the stars you’ve aligned for us.

but i’m still in love, and i don’t mind it at all.

you woke me up just in time for me to make it to work and because i was in such a hurry, you took over the one duty that i have, breakfast.

at first, i felt guilty that even if you were rushing to get to work, you still didn’t get mad at me for not waking up earlier, you just gave me a sleepy grin when i thanked you. and then i tried looking at it in a more positive light, you work hard for yourself and me and i’m grateful.

i’m grateful to you, even if it is something as simple as breakfast, i’m grateful. and i will start waking up earlier, i want to do more for you.

i love you.

11/11/19

today, we went to pottery together!

and we didn’t manage to make anything and it wasn’t a surprise to either of us because our pots broke even before they could get toasted in the oven. it was just us, a private class in the middle of a forest and there was a mild drizzle of rain from the sky. and now as i write this, i realize whenever it rains, i fall more in love with you, the idea of you and everything about you.

i decided to write again today because it was a wonderful day, we laughed a lot and we smeared a lot of clay on our face and you had the nerve to call my pot a masterpiece.

y/n, as much as i appreciate your kind soul, my pot literally looked like shit.

and you laughing right after you said that it was a masterpiece, kind of gave away the fact that you didn’t mean it.

but i’ll let it go because you looked cute. you always look cute.

and oh look, you’re calling me for dinner, i will come back to this again.

i love you.

22/1/20

you weren’t yourself today but that’s okay, we all have our days, it did hurt when you didn’t let me hug you but again, i understand. you had a difficult day and i wish i could take all your pain away, all your troubles, i wish i could burn them to the ground and not even let the ashes remain.

but i can’t do that.

i can only watch you lie to me that you aren’t crying, that you are okay.

i hope you know that you don’t have to lie, never to me.

i can see the tears on your face, i’m sorry i’m not strong enough to come and wipe them away, i’m scared that you’ll only go further away from me. and to me, you’re lost today. i hope you find your way back to me. i will wait with open arms.

i love you.

22/2/20

love is as deep as a sea, i remember reading that in a book. and i didn’t fully realize the meaning till i met you.

everything has made sense since i’ve met you. and it’s true, love is like a sea, i keep discovering new things about it every day, i keep discovering all these habits of yours, i’ve started speaking in the way you do and even the members have noticed, they haven’t stopped teasing me since this afternoon, even right now, they’re hovering around me and trying to read this letter but don’t worry, i have it out of their view, this is only our little secret.

you came to the studio, you brought all of us food and drinks with that grin on your face that i love so much, the members immediately bounced to you and that is when i saw how perfectly fit in my life, from my view, you, and the members, are my family. and my family is so lovely.

what did i ever do in my life to have all of you in it?

okay jungkook’s getting nosy, let me stop here.

i love you.

16/4/21

so, it really is over.

i don’t have it in me to say it’s okay or it’s all right.

because it’s not.

i’ve never been a good liar, i couldn’t hide about how i felt about you then and i can’t do it now.

y/n, i’m exhausted, your face used to be the first thing i saw every day when i woke up and somehow, even on the worst days, that was enough for me to pull through because i could fall asleep next to it.

i can’t do that anymore, and even if it’s been a year, it’s just sinking in for me now.

but i’m dealing. i feel empty but i am not totally miserable. the members don’t say it but they miss you too, they keep looking at me sadly but they’re also cheering me up, don’t worry about them or me too much.

i’m sending you this because i couldn’t keep a promise even if i tried when we were together so i want to make up for it, i’m keeping this one promise, i hope it’s worth it.

sad to say this, but my pen did run out, this is a new pen, it’s a little gritty but it works, and i don’t know why i’m telling you this but the pen i started the letter with lasted just as long as we did, so now, i see that as our hourglass, i just wish it hadn’t run out so quickly. i hope i got to say i love you to you one last time before it ran out. it’s all useless now anyway.

but even if it hurts, even if i haven’t moved on, i’m happy.

i’m happy i got to know someone with a mind as beautiful as yours.

i’m happy i spent my days loving you. because loving you is bigger than any award i’ll hold.

i hope you look back at us with fondness and not regret.

and i hope you move on and someone else loves you, maybe love you better than i did because you deserve it, you deserve all the good in the world. i’m sorry i couldn’t give it to you.

but remember me, yeah?

i love you.

the end,

from your kim namjoon.

the letter has smudged ink near the end, from both his and your tears and you desperately re-read the letter again, like you were grasping to any pieces that were left of you two. it slightly crumbles from how tight your grip was on it.

and this isn’t the story in which you run after him to get back with him after you read this, you don’t go knocking on his door waiting for him to answer and then finally fall into his arms to end your pain and his.

no, this is the story in which you clutch the cream-colored paper to your heart and silently cry your eyes out because the worst realization of reaching the end of it was, both that it was the last words that you’ll ever hear from namjoon and also that no one would love you like he did.

he will remain as that one beautiful chapter in your story that you’ll go back to visit every now and then, only to cry at the ending.

and you feel a bitter gratefulness that you got to experience a part of your life with him so you don’t mind that it hurts, you’ll kiss this chapter a sweet goodbye.

but you have your own loose ends; you have your own feelings that need to be spilled. you feel like you will explode if you don’t close this chapter in your story. you might just never finish moving on to the next one if you don’t. you too, have a lot to say even if you two are over.

so, you grab a pen, hover over your desk with a faint dangling light above you, a small smile dances on your lips and you start writing to him,

a belated love letter.

pairing: scientist!Namjoon x f!reader
genre(s): smut, angst, drama, mystery, slight horror
au(s): based on Frankenstein
word count: 460 words for the teaser
warnings (teaser only): mentions minor character death
rating:18+

summary:Kim Namjoon had always been a curious child, with a strong desire to understand the world. After a tragedy strikes his family Namjoon is left heartbroken. Grieving, he seeks to create a companion in the most unorthodox way. But what happens when the very life he created turns against the master whom she was supposed to love?

a/n: i’m still working on the hyung line classic lit stories! this one is quickly spiraling out of control, so I’m just sharing this to keep myself accountable bc I need to finish this damn fic. I’ve already written and deleted so much from it T_T this also very unedited

Taglist:@miscelunaaa​@shameless-army​@firesighgirl​@sunshinerainbowsbts​@seokjinger-ale​ (lmk if you still want to be tagged for the final story!)

The rain pummeled against the window, striking the glass panes with such brazen force that Namjoon thought his whole studio would shudder and splinter underneath the weight of tonight’s storm. Wiping the sweat from his brow, he lets out a deep breath, one he did not even know he’d been holding for the past few years. It was done. 

A crack followed his sigh, like a bone being set into place, and then a great groan, and his creation sprung to life. Namjoon stood there, paralyzed, the awe beginning to melt away, and shock and horror setting in as he took in the sight of this new being. It was a woman, and yet it was not. For every feature he’d selected, eyes, lips, nose, and everything that was beautiful in its own right, fit together in the most grotesque of ways, and instantly his heart plummets. This was no human. This was nothing worthy of his love, or the labor he’d undertaken for the past two years. The empty void that had settled in his chest after his mother’s passing grew wider and wider, and Namjoon watches all his hopes and dreams become swallowed by the gaping vortex.

A bead of sweat trickles down his neck, escaping underneath his shirt, and Namjoon turns on his heel, running out of the room.

Panicked, he closes the door behind him, rushing across the hall to his own bed, drawing the scratchy covers over his head. His eyes flutter, willing for sleep to claim his restless frame, but it never comes. Instead, he lies awake, the pounding of his heart melding with the ticking of the grandfather clock in the corner, creating a haunting rhythm to represent the doom that has begun to loom over the house.

A loud crack jolts Namjoon awake from his miserable sleep - the lightning illuminating the room in a silvery glow, and there, at the foot of his bed -– the figure of the being he’d created! Round eyes, if they could even be called so, staring at him curiously, like a lost child. Mouth moving as though it was trying to speak, but no sounds escaped. 

Namjoon softens at the sight of the poor creature, looking lost and confused. He reaches out towards it, hands shaking, and nearly jumps when he feels two leathery palms take his hand in between them. His heart thrums at the gentle display, amazed at how soft-natured the creature was, despite its extraordinary appearance.

Tightening his hand in the creature’s, he realizes that he cannot give up now. This dream, this vision, it must be worth something. For the beauty of creation lied not in the dazzling appearance of things themselves, but their ability to provide hope.

“I shall call you ___.”

LOBBY | 0T7

♡ Hey, honey, I am @armys-dna aka. toobsie <3, I’ve collected all my favourite fics and series for you to read, and also to applaud all the writers who provide us with such incredible content.

♡ The following genres will be available : Fluff |Angst|Smut (minors dni.)

~connect with me on my other blogs:

main:@armys-dna | Others: @munchimun,@armys-fondle

~

Members:

₊˚ˑ༄Kim Namjoon

₊˚ˑ༄Kim Seokjin

₊˚ˑ༄Min Yoongi

₊˚ˑ༄Jung Hoseok

₊˚ˑ༄Park Jimin

₊˚ˑ༄Kim Taehyung

₊˚ˑ༄Jeon Jungkook

\\

₊˚ˑ༄0T7

~Happy reading o(*^＠^*)o