18+,I swear a lot. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ BTS only. Female reader.Do not copy or repost my work.
DISCLAIMER:In no way, shape, or form am I suggesting any BTS member would ever act, say, or be the way they are in my works. If you’re BTS, why are you on tumblr? Don’t do this to yourself.
Last update was on 2022.04.16.
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this is the road to paradise.
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ot7.
journey (to the dick)—rating: M — 18k notes: crack | fuckbuddies with non-idol!BTS | smut —double dare—ksj+knj — 3.8k (threesome dp) the (hell) house—rating: M — 25.4k — halloween special: hyung line>>maknae line
aquarium —rating: T — 6.9k pairings: Jeon Jungkook, Kim Taehyung notes:cheating in an est. relationship | angst | fluff ending part i|part ii
addiction—rating: M — 22k pairings:Min Yoongi, Kim Seokjin notes: drug use | depression | abusive relationships | suicidal thoughts and an attempt | mention of death | smut at the end prologue|1|2|3|4|ksj ending|myg ending
monster—rating: M — 11k pairings: Min Yoongi, Jeon Jungkook notes:mafia themes | intense smut | unprotected sex | Agust D (Daechwita) AU part i|part ii|part iii
unfair—rating: M — 9.5k pairings: Jeon Jungkook, Min Yoongi notes:pining | est. relationship, ft myg | smut part i|part ii
you and me and the Devil makes 3—rating: M — 18.5k pairings: Min Yoongi, Jeon Jungkook notes: Hell!AU | devil!myg x chaos!reader x demon!jjk | smut prologue|the summoning|the collection |666 (OT7)
twitter user yourowndionysusshares his knowledge. all contain male ver. whatifyoulivelikethat | m/f, m/m pairings with ♂wiyllt: Min Yoongi, Jeon Jungkook
dionysus—rating: M — 4k (jk/reader, mmf) dionysus ii—rating: M — 3.6k (yg/reader, mmf) dionysus iii—rating: M — 5.1k (jk/reader, mmf) trust you —rating: T — drabble (yg, m/m,no reader) dionysus iv—rating: M — 9k (jk, m/m, no reader) dionysus v— rating: M — 10k (jk, yg, reader) dionysus vi —rating: M — 7.5k (jk/reader, mmf, yg, jk) dionysus vii—rating: M —10.8k (reader, yg, jk) dionysus viii—rating: M — 8.5k (reader) dionysus ix—rating: M — 2.8k (yg, m/m,no reader)
introducing my next series surrounding the bangtan boys and the various kinds of love that exist in the world. for an emotion so complex, it’s only right to explore it as much as you can and give your own meaning to it. i hope to find my meaning for love through writing these and express them through colours i know, i hope you do too <3
p.s. all the stories can be read individually and do not have a specified date of publishing, below are linked my main masterlist and very first universe, happy reading :D
summary: when jimin got the role of black swan in the biggest act of the industry, he didn’t expect himself to embrace a similar kind of obsession and actually turn into one at the end of it.
tears i cry - k.sj. (coming soon!)
summary:
on this day - k.nj. (coming soon!)
summary:
ashes we leave behind - j.jk. (coming soon!)
summary:
maybe we’ll bloom today - m.yg. (coming soon!)
summary:
is it that hard? - j.hs. (coming soon!)
summary:
what i see, what you see - k.th. (coming soon!)
summary:
all of this is fiction and i am not trying to portray how bangtan are in real life, these are my characters with their names and faces but there is no relation to how they actually are.
summary: will you ever be able to get over your crush on kim taehyung?
a/n: this marks the end of the fools universe (which can be read individually)! i’m very overwhelmed and excited for this final part, but i will miss writing this universe a lot, i struggled a lot with this one but i’m happy with the ending, thank you to every single one of you who’s read it, it means the world and more to me, i hope you enjoy this last part a lot <3
“i don’t know what to say, kim taehyung” taehyung hangs his head low as his professor chews his ear out, he really should have just finished his assignment instead of being curious about jin’s love life.
“you are not even close to passing this semester, let alone having a decent grade, i know you take this subject as a minor but it still affects your overall score” taehyung nods at his words, wincing every now and then because he didn’t realize the gravity of the situation until his professor narrates it to him.
“you know that this could potentially harm your scholarship, right?”
“i am aware” taehyung shamefully replies and his professor sighs at him.
“taehyung, as your parents friend and well-wisher, you worked hard for this scholarship and i can’t just watch you throw it all away” taehyung absolutely hates when his professor gets personal with him.
why not just lecture him and let him go?
he can take the harshest words without feeling a lot but the second it gets personal; he feels guilty for slacking off.
and taehyung hates feeling guilty.
“because i know how much this will hurt your record in the long run, i will pass you this one time, only once” as soon as those words leave the professor in a disappointed sigh, taehyung internally cheers but it’s short-lived. someone enters the same classroom and taehyung doesn’t know who they are which is weird considering he knows all of his classmates. at least he thought he knew everyone. he carefully eyes the new person in the room, with furrowed eyebrows and pouted lips, trying to identify her.
“ah, y/n, right on time as always” so her name is y/n.
taehyung doesn’t understand why she looks so nervous but he just assumes she’s just one of those people who doesn’t like being around people.
“you asked me to come, sir?” you trail off, already feeling a blush crawling at the back of your neck with taehyung in the same room.
it’s no secret (to yourself) that taehyung has been your crush since you started university and saw him having a playful banter with the professors and just seeming to have a blast with his friends, he was simply the coolest person you saw, and that led to a hopeless crush on your side, but you also know that he has no clue about you.
and suddenly being in the same room with him, you feel flustered and intimidated, not in a bad way, more so in a ‘wow, you’re even more gorgeous up close’ way and your hands don’t keep still, they keep shaking with a mind of their own and your head is nothing but a fumbled mess.
“yeah, your assignment was perfect, you covered every important point but still managed to make it easy to read, keep it up, y/n.” you stay silent with the praise you get as your professor hands your graded assignment with a smile on his face and you bow before taking it from him.
A.
you sigh in relief and look up to notice taehyung giving you a weird expression, and you didn’t know what to make of it, you were sure you didn’t look that ugly today nor was your hair a mess, today had been a good day, looks-wise for you but then again, you imagine that a guy like taehyung has higher standards.
taehyung, on the other hand, just couldn’t understand how you don’t react to the praise or the high grade, if it was him who got an A, he would be busy getting smashed in some bar but your nonchalance confuses him.
whatever, he’s got a failed semester to care about right now.
“and right, you asked me if you could tutor someone for extra credit?” the professor asks you and you nod in response, you need that extra credit for your scholarship to hold for the next few semesters, and a little extra money from it wouldn’t hurt you either.
“yes, i did”
“what about him?” the professor points to kim taehyung and your eyes widen, but it seems like you’re not the only one taken aback because taehyung immediately turns to the professor with a frown on his eyes.
oh, he does not like the idea.
you can’t help but be a little disappointed when he looks that annoyed over this.
he doesn’t even know you so you can’t exactly blame him but his reaction makes you internally wince.
“you didn’t even ask me” taehyung complains noisily to the professor and you just keep your head low, deciding to talk only when you’re spoken to.
“you really don’t have a choice here kim taehyung, you are failing and only passing because i passed you, and the least you can do to improve is get a tutor, i would be grateful if i were you, y/n is one of the best students we have.” you feel a little bashful with all the praise you’re getting, the professor is always this way with you but you can’t take it gracefully with your crush is standing right there.
but it’s just dawning on you that you have to tutor him, your crush, actually spend time with him, help him out and improve his grade, spending time with him is the only thing you could think of right now though even if it both terrifies and excites you the slightest bit.
mostly terrified though.
“fine” taehyung surrenders with a not-so-subtle glare thrown to the professor who really couldn’t give less of a shit by the looks of it.
“good, you two can work out a schedule together” the professor says dismissively, grabbing the papers off his desk and his bag, nodding at you two and leaving the room.
the room felt suffocating with taehyung’s heavy mood and your inability to defuse it, you are supposed to discuss the plan with him but you’re not going to initiate it, you don’t want to seem that desperate, besides you think it’s better to leave him when he looks annoyed, you don’t want to accidentally piss him off.
so, you quickly turn towards the door and speed walk out of the room, taking a deep breath and leaning against a wall outside the room, you didn’t expect this from the end of your day. seeing taehyung from anywhere closer than ten feet away is definitely not what you expected and your heart is still pounding from being in the same room as him, you feel warm all over and you don’t know if you feel elated or embarrassed.
-
you groan and take your glasses off to rub at the bridge of your nose, classes were a drag and you have work piled on for the weekend, it’s not like you had any plans but it would have been nice if you could rest for a bit, and the lunch in front of you isn’t helping at all. it doesn’t look appetizing and smells old, you are not even sure if you can eat it.
“what’s up?” you hear from right beside your ear making you gasp and flinch, moving away from the sound and your glasses slide off the table, making a clattering sound that makes you flinch more.
“woah, calm down” you lift your head to see taehyung standing there with a huge smile and your eyes widen, he picks your glasses up and holds them out to you, you take them back with shaky hands and put it on yourself.
when did he get here? you usually notice when he’s in a room.
“you scared me” you mumble and push your glasses up, unable to look straight at him for more than a few seconds, you don’t think you can handle that, so, just imagine the way your heart jumps to your throat when taehyung takes a seat right beside you.
“didn’t mean to do that, sorry” he smiles brightly as he leans his face on his propped-up hand and sits wide-legged in front of you, his knees are brushing over your legs and if he noticed, he doesn’t care about it but you do, you care about the way your heart slips continuously when his skin carelessly touches yours.
he definitely looks like he is in a better mood than he was a few days ago.
“it’s okay, did you need something?” you look down at your food, picking at it with a small whine caught in your throat as you wait for him to answer.
“we need to discuss our schedule” you raise your eyebrows at him, you thought because he never got in contact with you again, that he simply just didn’t want it and you brushed it off, thinking it was probably better for you too, your crush on him was embarrassingly huge and you know how nervous you will get, so you were relieved when he didn’t try to contact you.
“i thought you weren’t doing it” your response is as nervous as you feel.
“i wasn’t but i don’t have a choice” he chuckles awkwardly, rubbing the back of his neck. he looks ridiculously attractive in his simple oversized t-shirt and cream-colored trousers and his awkward habit is endearing, your cheeks flush as you look away from him and back to your food.
“can we talk about this after i’m done eating?” you never really prepared yourself to have a conversation with him so you just wish he leaves you alone for now and comes back when you’re not feeling and looking like shit.
“you’re going to eat this?” taehyung murmurs in disbelief, side glancing the less-than-appetizing food in your tray.
“i don’t have a choice” it feels weird to repeat his words to him but from what you can see, he doesn’t think too much about it which is a huge relief.
“yes, you do” he says with a sigh, getting up and you look up at him with scrunched eyebrows.
“you’re coming to lunch with me and don’t worry, it’s my treat, one of many now that you’re my tutor” he grins easily at you, grabbing your backpack from the seat and eagerly waiting for you with bright eyes and his entire posture is relaxed, like having lunch with a stranger is totally okay with him.
is this what extroverts are like?
why was he so comfortable with you? this is your second time meeting and you didn’t even speak directly the first time.
it didn’t seem like he was asking you to come either, more like just waiting for you to join him, so you get up with a stammer in your step, anything that is not your college lunch is something you would welcome happily and lunch with taehyung doesn’t seem like a bad idea, not yet.
but you’re nervous, though one thing that saves you is that you have always been good at hiding how you feel.
taehyung smiles at you one last time, so easily, so beautifully, like it wouldn’t make you stutter, before turning around and leading the way, with your backpack slung over his shoulder, you feel too shy to ask for it and that you will probably stutter through your words when you speak to him, so you just silently follow him out of the cafeteria, ignoring the weird looks you two got on the way out.
you cautiously step into the classy bakery that taehyung takes you to, he tried to make conversation on the way but your answers were so short that even you felt embarrassed, taehyung though, didn’t look like he cared, if he found you awkward, he didn’t show it and you were grateful to him for that.
“namjoon hyung is the manager here, so i can get us a pretty discount” he winks at the end of the sentence, obviously as a joke but you can’t help how flustered you feel with a simple wink.
you are eating lunch with your crush who you thought was way out of your league, is something you have dreamed about, you never actually expected to sit across taehyung as he talks animatedly about how good the coffee and desserts are here.
judging by the fruity and addictingly sweet smell that fills the air around you, you don’t question his praise, your own mouth waters at the thought of the pretty pastries you see lined up right at the counter and the coffee bean smell is so soothing, you might have just found your favorite place that wasn’t your apartment.
a waiter (you can’t believe he’s a waiter with how handsome he was) comes up to you both but taehyung already seemed to know the guy who groaned as soon as he saw taehyung, taehyung leans back lazily in his seat with an ever-present grin on his face.
“why do you come back with a new girl every week?” the pouty guy whines at taehyung and your eyes widen with your head still down, so you’re not the first one he’s brought here, it was foolish of you to think so as well and taehyung playfully swats at the guys arm, his grin unwavering and you only purse your lips at the empty table.
god, you want to run away.
“order whatever you want” he gestures to the menu and you quickly scan over it, a low squeal in your throat when you see that they have your favorite, pho and fudge brownies. you lift your head to tell taehyung to see him in an animated conversation with the waiter, nudging him from time to time and just looking like he was having the time of his life, like he always does, you lightly tap the table to get his attention and he immediately abandons the conversation and leans over, making you move back at the sudden movement, he only seems amused by your reaction.
“you’re a little quiet, so i just wanted to listen to you better, what did you decide on?” he explains simply and you can’t help but gaze into his eyes as he keeps them steady on you, for someone like him, eye contact isn’t a problem, isn’t a big deal but it makes your heart pound, you nod slowly and mumble your order, sinking back into your seat.
“excellent choice, pho and brownies for two, and is it alright if i order the drinks?” he turns to you for confirmation and once he’s received a mumble of agreement, turns back to the waiter.
“two peach iced teas” and with that, the waiter leaves but not without smacking taehyung one last time. taehyung pretends that he’s in a lot of pain and winces childishly which has you holding back a smile as the waiter shakes his head at him before disappearing to the back, your eyes curiously follow him to the counter where all the desserts are laid out.
taehyung is quick to catch your wandering eyes and finds it funny that since he’s met you, the only time he’s seen you smile is when you’re looking at desserts.
“you want to take a look?” taehyung walks towards the counter, which has you trailing behind him. you slowly take in the view of all the chocolate pastries that could be in your stomach and taehyung stays right at your back, watching you move around excitedly and admire them.
“are you into baking or something?” he finally asks after five minutes of you moving around him with big, fascinated eyes.
“no, i just like to eat” your answer comes out before you can even think about it and you only realize it when taehyung breaks into a chuckle at your words, making you shuffle on your feet, clearing your throat and looking back at the especially good-looking tiramisu.
“are you always this quiet or is it just with me?” the question takes you off guard, and you think taehyung is upset but there is no hint of frustration or annoyance on his face, only genuine curiosity.
“i don’t like to talk much, it’s nothing against you i promise” you try to reassure and be as honest as you could.
“that’s a relief” he smiles and walks back to the table where your food is waiting, you walk back with a bounce to your step because you haven’t been this hungry in a while. and as soon as you sit down, you reach for your steaming bowl of pho and sigh in bliss.
taehyung notices your exaggerated reactions to your food and simply smiles to himself.
something about you, he likes it, he doesn’t mind being the only one talking the entire time, he doesn’t mind how you only seem to talk when spoken to, it’s new to him, he’s always surrounded by people just as extroverted as him, so this isn’t something he’s used to but taehyung doesn’t mind.
taehyung doesn’t mind at all.
-
you walk home with rosy cheeks that day, because you can finally confirm that taehyung is just as charming, just as care-free as he looks, and he’s very good company, usually people get annoyed that conversations with you feel one-sided and you don’t blame them but it’s freeing with how comfortable taehyung tried to make you feel.
it isn’t very good news to the crush you already have on him; you feel like it’s grown ten-fold. and it’s only the second time meeting him, you are nervous for your poor heart which jumps with every glance he gives you.
and with the schedule you two planned, consisting of meeting up almost every other day because taehyung simply wants his grades to not be on the ground, you are sure that your heart only will go through so much more.
your nerves don’t calm down as your legs bounce up and down below the table at the library you’re sat at, your lip hurts from how much you’ve bit it as you anxiously look around for taehyung who is yet to show up for your first tutoring session. you can’t look like this in front of him so you’re doing whatever you can to be as normal as you can be.
you have to get over him at some point, you can’t tutor him while giving him heart-eyes.
“hey!” a bright greeting comes from behind you and you almost fall out of your seat, your elbow slips on the table and your chin hits the table, as if scaring you at lunch back then wasn’t bad enough, you begrudgingly think and groan at the pain on your chin.
taehyung does nothing to help and just sits down beside you with a happy hum, his books dropping in front of him in a heap and his smile doesn’t budge even when you glare at him while rubbing your chin.
“do you have to scare me every time?” you whine, your chin already becoming sore, you’re in enough pain to not have the mind to worry about how stupid you just looked. he simply shrugs at you.
“do you have to get scared every time?” comes his almost immediate retort and how will you argue with that logic while processing how close these library seats are next to each other? your reply comes with a roll of your eyes, though you’re sure that your cheeks are as warm as the sun blaring outside.
taehyung finds absolute satisfaction and amusement from your reaction and it shows in the way he leans back proudly in seat as you pretend to jot down notes, at this point, you don’t even know what you are writing anymore but you’re writing.
suddenly, just as you’re about to finally stop acting like you’re busy and get back to him, your glasses are snatched from your face and you don’t even have to look to see who took it. taehyung twirls the glasses in his hands with a smug grin, and then puts them on, wiggling his eyebrows and pouting every now and then. and you feel your heart burst with how cute he looks.
if it was anyone else, you are sure you would have hated it. but it’s taehyung and you don’t think you could ever hate him.
you watch with curious eyes as he gets all serious and grabs a book, writing with an invisible pen furiously. you tilt your head because you don’t quite understand what he’s doing.
it takes quite a second to dawn on you that he’s actually imitating you.
“look at me, i’m y/n, star student” he squeals in a high-pitched voice that most definitely is not yours.
your mouth falls open in offence, and even before you could think about it, you swat his arm with a loud complaint leaving your lips, as he laughs at you, pushing your hand off and continuing to act like he was you. you groan and throw your head back in annoyance, though you really don’t feel as annoyed, you just feel a hundred times more comfortable with taehyung now.
after a string of complaints from you, taehyung finally gives your glass back but instead of just handing them back to you, he slides them on your face himself and you feel every bit of you twisting and turning at the simple action. you cough awkwardly into your hand and turn away from him, moving your books out of the way so you could get started.
“which subject do you want to start with?” as a response, taehyung drops a thick book right in front of you.
art history.
tricky but you can work with it.
“okay, how much do you know already?” you ask him and he thinks with lips pushed into a pout.
“can i be honest?”
“of course.” you nod at him.
“i know nothing, i slept through all the classes” he admits sheepishly and you giggle a little at his confession.
of course, not to be creepy or anything but you knew about this, you have unconsciously turned to see him in class more than a few times, only to see him passed out on his bench with his backpack covering his head.
“that’s alright, one thing that’s helped me with art history is memorizing it all like a story” you let him in on your secret, you always envision history like a story book, or a tv show that you’re invested in, thinking up characters in actual scenes, it helps you remember a lot better than just book material.
so, you tell him the same thing, you start explaining in brief various parts of print culture, origins of different eras, the rise of modern art that we usually see today, and artists that revolutionized the world of art, all in the form of a movie that taehyung intently listens to.
you didn’t expect him to listen as well as he did, but he stays quiet for the most part, politely lifting his hand to ask questions like he was in an actual class which made you grin the first time and taking notes when something seemed complicated.
by the time you’re done, it’s almost dinner time and the library is much emptier than it was before but taehyung still looks excited to learn more. it’s endearing how he listens to you like nothing else matters and makes you feel the tiniest bit special.
“that’s it for today” you announce with an exhausted smile on your face and taehyung stretches his sore limbs while yawning.
“that was a lot but it is more fun when you explain it” he drops the compliment casually, no regards to how that makes your nerves dance in sheer excitement.
“i’m glad you enjoyed it” you mumble shyly while packing your books into your bag. you get up, throwing it over your shoulder and look at taehyung only to see him already looking at you.
“i’ll go now, goodbye taehyung” your voice unwillingly pitchy at the end.
“goodbye, y/n” he repeats in the same tone as you and you roll your eyes yet again while walking away from his gleeful laughter and right outside the library, you break into the biggest grin ever, the butterflies in your stomach raging and tumbling over themselves because you simply can’t believe that the last couple of hours are real.
how will you ever get over him?
-
you groan as you plop down in your seat, you slept weird last night and your neck cramp still hasn’t gone away, your body aches all over, you don’t even know why, walking feels like you’re carrying a million stones and honestly, you would be anywhere but here if you had the chance.
there’s still a good 20 minutes left before class starts so you rest your head on the table and pray that you aren’t sick, you still have taehyung’s class today and it would be rude to cancel on only your fifth session with him.
just then, taehyung walks into the classroom, seemingly bustling with endless energy, surrounded by his friends who are just as bright and loud as he is, and with your head still on the table, you admire him. he’s wearing this red hoodie today and his hair looks very soft beneath, a quick thought that he looks perfect to cuddle comes to you and you want to slam your head on the table to stop thinking about him.
he suddenly glances around the room, as if he’s looking for someone and you try to lift your head from the table to look away but you feel way too weak to do anything so he catches your gaze, his face breaking into a huge grin as he waves at you gleefully, you slowly wave back, mentally wanting to disappear.
and you think that’s it, he will go to his seat and you will have to finish this class while looking like you’re going to die any minute.
but you were so wrong.
as soon as your hand drops back on the table, taehyung starts walking towards you, where his usual seat is definitely not there and stands right beside you with a worried look on his face.
“oh, hey” you try to cover your face a little more with your hoodie and your heart gets caught in your throat when taehyung pulls a chair to sit right by your side. you look like crap right now and the last person you need seeing you like this, is kim taehyung.
“you don’t look okay” he mutters with scrunched eyebrows and before you can say anything, he presses his hand to your forehead and your eyes go wide as he flips his hand and holds it there for a second.
“you’re literally burning, how long have you had a fever for?” he pulls his hand away and you finally feel like you can breathe again.
“i don’t know, woke up sick” you strain your answer, your head lulling back to fall on the bench, now that he’s confirmed you have a fever, you feel even sicker.
“come on, let’s go” taehyung gets up suddenly, gathering the books on your table and shoving them into your bag, then taking your backpack and his in one hand, looking at you expectantly.
“go where?” you frown up at him, class is going to begin in 10 minutes now, where could you possibly go without missing it?
“i’ll take you home” your mouth drops open at his words.
“but class is going to start” you try to reason but get interrupted with your own cough and he only looks more concerned.
“you shouldn’t care about class with a fever like that” he scolds lightly, taking your wrist and helping you up to stand, and you almost fall down in a slump again if it weren’t for him holding you.
maybe you are sicker than you thought.
“what will we even tell the professor?” you almost shout at him as he pulls you towards the back exit of the classroom, and when the two of you are out, he checks to see if there’s anyone else in the hallway and turns to you with a coy smile.
“who said we’re telling them?” is the last thing he says to you before he ducks and runs, pulling you with him but you don’t stop him or complain anymore, you know that it’s not only because you’re sick everywhere, maybe the thought of skipping classes shouldn’t have excited your tired body that much but the thought of skipping classes with taehyung made your body flush in new-found energy.
so, you let him pull you all the way out of campus, ducking here and there when you see a teacher or person in charge, giggling at each other with wide eyes only to shush each other the next second whenever there was a narrow escape, whispering your address to him part-by-part and him having to support your sick body from time to time.
even if it was wrong, and something you promised to yourself that you would never do, skipping classes with taehyung, with his hand securely around your waist (that had goosebumps trailing on your skin), even just as an acquaintance to you, felt better than anything you’ve experienced in your life. hell, he didn’t even feel like an acquaintance anymore, whether it was because of your raging crush on him, or just taehyung being taehyung, you’re not sure.
the pure adrenaline in your body had you gasping for more, more of what?
you are not sure.
you two eventually make it to taehyung’s car in the parking lot. he gently pushes you into the passenger seat and slides into the driver’s seat, only to find you knocked out with your head on the window. and with one final look at your peaceful face, he drives away with a fond smile of his own. taehyung doesn’t know what he’s feeling either.
and the next time you open your eyes, you feel just as sick and it’s late afternoon and you’re in your bed, still in the clothes you wore to college, you sit up too quick, instantly whining at the throbbing in your head while looking around with confused eyes.
when did you even get home?
“oh good, you’re awake” taehyung emerges at your door, seemingly out of nowhere and you jump in your place, clutching at your heart as you look at him with a gulp.
“w-what are you doing here?” you ask as he stays at the entry to your room.
“you fell asleep in the car and i didn’t want to wake you so i found keys in your bag and brought you up here, i hope that’s alright” he looks nervous for the first time since you’ve met him as he waits for your reaction with pursed lips. he doesn’t want you to feel uncomfortable with the situation, he just couldn’t wake you when you were both sick and looking as cute as you did in your lilac hoodie.
“did you..carry me? all the way up here?” you mumble worriedly.
“of course, how else would i bring you?”
wow, he says it so simply.
“you really didn’t have to do all of that, i’m sorry if it was a lot of trouble, i really appreciate it, thank you taehyung” you say with disbelief clear in your voice and with your jaw slightly slackened because you really can’t think of anything but a mental image of taehyung having to carry you because your lazy ass fell asleep in his car and didn’t get up. and you really want to bury yourself six feet under.
“can i come in?” he asks, polite as ever and you don’t even think before nodding, he slowly walks inside, sitting right by the edge of your bed, maintaining distance between you as if he didn’t put you on the bed himself.
he reaches forward and puts his hand against your forehead, and you feel your breath being taken away just like the first time and he hums while pulling it away.
“it’s better than before but sleep for the rest of today” he instructs you and gets up from the bed, you don’t want him to leave. something in you wants to make taehyung stay by your side but you don’t have anything that will make him stay so you just watch him walk himself out of your room.
“i got a few pills, they’re in your kitchen, you shouldn’t move around right now but take them once you get up, and don’t worry about it, i need my tutor to be healthy and well, don’t i?” he winks at the end of it as if to finally nail your heart to him only and then turns to leave with a loud goodbye and a wave of his hand.
you go to the kitchen after he leaves and just like he said, pills for headache and body aches are spread out on your tiny dinner table, along with packets of instant soup. you feel overwhelmed because even people who are close to you, have never done so much for you and taehyung did, taehyung did all this after just meeting you a few times.
and you’re left, head in hands, with so much to process that you don’t know where to begin.
-
taehyung never came late to your tutor sessions or waste too much time, sure he still fooled around, his favorite thing to do being constantly taking your glasses off you and playing with them whenever he gets too bored or snatching your books away and forcing you to talk about anything that was not related to your studies.
you still felt bashful the first day you met after the whole sick episode, but he didn’t even bring it up, just continued with everything like it didn’t even happen which you were grateful for, though a little disappointed, because that is the most anyone has ever done for you and you wanted to thank him properly even if he said that lunch at his favorite place would suffice for him. but you were also sure that you would end up accidentally confessing to him if you brought it up. so, you just never brought it up either.
you talked a lot, mostly about things that had nothing to do with subject but you enjoyed them, taehyung valued and respected your opinions, actually listened to you when you talked so you were comfortable to be not as quiet as you usually are, still shy but holding a conversation as much as you could and taehyung would pick up anything you left, starting a whole new conversation with whatever, you handed him.
it wasn’t hard for your crush on him to only escalate further, not when he looked as good as he did from a side angle, it was honestly unfair that he looked stunning with a simple shirt and trousers. he looked good in anything, and what he looked like during your studying sessions, was something you always daydreamed about.
like right now.
“are you even listening to me?” a hand waves in front of your face, and you jerk in your place, quickly sitting up straight.
maybe you shouldn’t daydream about him when he’s beside you.
“um of course, i was” you lie easily with a firm nod to make it further believable but taehyung is sadly too good at detecting honesty or lack thereof. so, when he continues to stare at you, a way of making you say it yourself, you can do nothing but oblige.
“alright, i didn’t listen to you, what were you talking about?” with your admittance, taehyung leans back in his chair with a smirk.
“what is it?” you urge him once again and he shrugs.
“you know, we started with art history, right?”
“yeah, we’ve almost covered everything, at least i think so” you tilt your head as you mumble those words, reaching for your planner where all the topics are written, and you start looking through them to see which ones you still have to cover.
then the planner is snatched from your hands, and you follow the planner with a whine, bending over your chair to reach it and it isn’t until you feel someone way too close to you that you pause to see your position. you are half leaned over his chair and one wrong move could end up with you on top of him, you immediately sit back in your chair, tightening your fingers on your cardigan and frantically pushing your glasses up.
taehyung, thankfully doesn’t look uncomfortable, maybe a little shocked with how wide his eyes were but that was it, he quickly recovers and gives an easy smile.
“i have a test tomorrow” why is he smiling about that? doesn’t he hate tests? you quirk an eyebrow as his smile only grows bigger.
“how do you think it will go?”
“about that, if i do well, don’t you think that, as my tutor, you owe me something, a reward of sorts?”
so, that is why he’s smiling so big.
normally you would refuse blatantly and move on, but you can never say no to taehyung and you want to at least hear him out before you turn him down.
“if you do well” you emphasize and he waves his hand like he isn’t worried about that, but you are worried about what he would ask of you.
“come to a party with me” his request is simple enough.
and you’ve been to parties, only to completely hate it unless you got drunk enough to forget it all the next morning. though it has been quite a while since you’ve been to one.
a party with taehyung? taehyung, who probably knew every single person in the room while you don’t know anyone at all?
“only if you get an A” is your predicament, taehyung has improved a lot but not enough to get an A which is why your predicament is perfect, you’re not saying no but you’re not saying yes either.
but taehyung looks confident, with a light shrug to your rule like it didn’t mean anything at all, it only scares you a little bit that maybe your rule will be useless at the end.
“i’ll let you know when i get the grade”
-
“i got an A!” comes taehyung’s cheerful voice through the phone and the first thing you feel is pride bloom through you because he must have worked so hard to get that A, you were sure it wasn’t easy at all for him and the second thing you feel is dread, because this means you have to go to the party now.
“you did great, taehyung” you sincerely reply and you hear his sigh of happiness which makes you smile too.
you’re happy that he’s happy.
“you know what this means right?” his words laced with cockiness that come from his first ever A.
“i’ll never leave you at the party, you can get as drunk as you want and i will be your ride” he says almost immediately after as if he knew that you were going to find some way to get out of this, and you internally groan because he’s made all the promises that could convince you.
and like mentioned before, you can never say no to taehyung.
“when is it?”
-
“you look great!” taehyung compliments you as soon as you get into his car and you feel yourself freeze at his good-natured comment, only being able to shyly nod at him.
but if you had to choose on who looks good here, it would definitely be taehyung.
he was wearing a fashionably torn t-shirt with a leather jacket and tight dark grey jeans which had you feeling even more flustered than usual, he was usually attractive but today, you were sure that he was planning to take someone home, it would be a shame if he didn’t. he hands you his pale blue hoodie to hold, saying he brought it if he ever needed a change and trusted you to keep it away from drinks that can stain it, gives you one last smile and drives away.
the party was roaring even from the outside, people littered around the lawn, holding their drinks and you could hear the music all booming under your feet, you nervously pulled on the hem of your black dress as you went closer to the addictive but disgusting smell of alcohol and sweaty bodies.
so many people.
taehyung gripped both your arms on the sides as you gripped his hoodie tight in your hold, and he walked behind you, silently guiding your steps and greeting people joyfully on the way, it was a shame that you could only hear his happy voice but not see him under these alluring lights, you were sure that he looked better than ever under these blue and purple lights that made everyone look untouchable and beautiful.
“who’s the girl, taehyung?” someone shouts at him and you keep your gaze steady, not even wanting to turn around to see who yelled it, you anxiously wait for taehyung’s answer.
“my tutor” he yells back with a grin and you assume that the person has gone when taehyung gets right back to pushing you two through the crowds, apparently not noticing how your shoulders immediately slouch at his answer and how you aren’t even walking anymore, just being pushed around by everyone.
and for the first time since you’ve met taehyung, you feel disappointed.
you know now that your growing crush on taehyung will only end in your heartbreak.
he could have said you were a friend, or even an acquaintance, he’s been in your apartment for fucks’ sake, you would have been okay with anything really but the way he described you just made you feel so…unimportant. like you held no significance in his life, just another person for him to forget as he goes to spread his arms around the rest of the waiting world.
and you can’t be mad at him because you know it’s true, you are just tutoring him, he’s only doing this because he has to and not because he wants to, and as soon as this obligation expires, so will your time with him.
“hey, you okay?” you feel him whisper against your ear, hands still tight around your arms and you’re suddenly too aware of how close you two are, it hurts, being this close to him and not being able to call him anyone special to you, hurts a lot more than you imagined.
so, you shake his grip off, if you aren’t important to him, you will make him nobody in your life as well. you have to.
“yeah, i’m fine, where are the drinks?” try as you might, your voice just didn’t carry the softness it always has and even if you tried to conceal your sour mood, it didn’t work because taehyung immediately raised his eyebrows but shows where the drinks are anyway. you walk away from him, not really bothered anymore that you didn’t know anyone here, you just wanted to do exactly what you planned for.
drink and forget.
because taehyung just handed you rejection on a silver platter.
and you can’t take it gracefully when he’s right beside you. so, you had to go away before you could remember all the things you liked about him that could keep you pining.
taehyung felt…weird? he didn’t understand why you suddenly stopped talking to him in that sweet tone that comes naturally to you, he also doesn’t understand why you’re walking away from him to fend for yourself in a party where you don’t know anyone, he doesn’t know if he has done something to upset you and he felt…guilty.
taehyung felt guilty for a reason he didn’t know.
and taehyung hated feeling guilty.
to shake his own weird feeling off, he disappears into the crowd, to find anything or anyone who can drown his guilt away.
after a few shots of straight vodka, you find that you are not getting drunk at all, it’s either your overwhelming emotions that keep you from completely losing it or just your high tolerance.
it sucks because no drink is stronger in this place, you want to go home, you want to go back to when you didn’t come to this party where taehyung called you nothing to him. while he didn’t say that exactly, he definitely implied it. just then, you see him approaching you with a girl on his arm, no surprise there and you almost rolled your eyes at how predictable he could be.
“we’re playing this game; thought you would like to join?” taehyung trails off.
how nice of him to include his charity case for the game, you bitterly think to yourself but get up to go with him anyway, you can’t leave until he decides to go so you might as well play some game instead of wasting more alcohol that does nothing for you. so, you hop out of your seat and walk to him, greeting the girl next to him, you can be bitter to him but not to this girl who’s done nothing, she smiles back and then you’re leaving the kitchen.
you don’t say anything as you walk behind him into a living room where people sit in a circle, it’s noisy, there’s a bottle in the middle and you hate that you know what’s going on here.
it looks like a recreation of your middle school birthday party.
taehyung sits down, patting the spot next to him, and you look around to see if there’s place anywhere else but with nowhere else, you sit down beside him and the girl who he has with earlier is not around you anymore. he still looks at you, confused as ever and once you get comfortable in your position, he takes his hoodie from your hands and covers your bare legs with it which has you looking away with a red face.
he was making it so hard to get over him.
by the time you look back at the circle, it starts slowing down and your jaw drops open when it falls on you and taehyung.
everyone starts cheering at the bottle claiming its very first victims, and you never feel more out of place with people you don’t even know cheering you on to kiss taehyung and as for taehyung, he has a huge smile on his face which has you squinting with confusion at him. he calmly takes the hoodie from your lap, lifting it and pausing when he sees your face.
“trust me?” he whispers to you; his voice is almost drowned out in the loud music and people around you but you still hear it.
you shouldn’t trust him, you don’t want to but you don’t have a choice in this room full of unfamiliar people, so you just give him a meek nod which no one else notices.
then he drops the hoodie over the top of your heads, your bodies moving closer on their own accord, his palm now resting on your bare thigh and you’re face to face with the man you can’t get over no matter what you do. the heavy hoodie resting on your heads forces them closer as well, you can feel his breath on your cheek and he smells addictive this close, like cologne and pure sin with candy on his breath.
will he kiss you?
taehyung doesn’t say anything, just looks at you like he’s trying to figure you out, like he needs to figure you out, for the first time, he doesn’t look as confident, he doesn’t look full of life, just looks at you with such vulnerability like he’ll give you his heart if you stay under for too long, and your nerves and body are too frozen to even dare to look back at him.
after a few seconds which really felt like eternity, he pulls the hoodie from on top of your heads, the cold rush of air pushing you two apart, baring you to the waiting people in the room who roar and cheer louder than ever when taehyung smirks at them, you know that he’s just doing it for show, he didn’t actually end up doing anything at all even if you wished hard that he would.
but then you feel eyes on you, speculating, judging, confused eyes all over you because who are you and why did kim taehyung pull you under a hoodie when he usually just kisses people in front of everyone? you hate the attention, you hate the amusement at your flushed state in them, and you can do nothing but revert your gaze to the floor.
“stop making her uncomfortable and spin the bottle already” an annoyed voice emerges from the crowd and you snap your head to look at where it came from, to see a girl who glares at the people staring at you, they quickly look away at her words, reverting their attention back to the game, and when she catches your gaze, you send her a grateful look and she smiles back at you.
and you feel better.
then you’re reminded of the man beside you, who covers your legs once again with his hoodie and you feel your face heating up all over as you replay the events that happened a few minutes ago.
that was so intimate.
you pull at the hoodie resting on your lap, trying not to think of how much more gorgeous taehyung looked up close, losing all interest in the game still being played around you, you also feel slightly insulted that taehyung would do all that but not kiss you, you know that he wouldn’t kiss you but it was embarrassing to be so close and not do anything at all.
did you repel him that much?
“let’s get you another drink” taehyung mutters, getting up from his sitting position and dusting his jeans off.
“game’s not over” you point to the still spinning bottle in the middle and he shrugs.
“i don’t wanna play it anymore” you don’t either, so you leave the circle as well, more people replacing your seats as quick as lightning. taehyung hands you a drink once you get into the kitchen and no words are exchanged between you two as you stand against the counter, sipping your drink and him on the other end of the counter, not even drinking anything, just looking into empty space.
the silence is suffocating, it’s new for the two of you, especially new to you because taehyung never seems to shut up but he isn’t uttering a word.
“is that kim taehyung?” comes a loud, dare you say annoying voice with a chuckle from the entry of the kitchen, taehyung quickly stands upright and gives a bright smile.
“hey man, it’s been a while” they give each other a side hug as the guy lazily smiles at taehyung.
“last i saw you, was at the studio with min yoongi and someone else” the guy starts to think and taehyung visibly tenses up at the mention of a studio and your interest is peaked, because taehyung has never mentioned a studio to you.
“it was probably namjoon hyung” taehyung answers the guy and he nods in recognition.
“you guys are still doing that music shit? i thought you would give up after a week, my man” your mouth drops open at the rude tone of the guy, he’s clearly patronizing taehyung who freezes in his spot, his usual smile immediately dropping from his face and you are the only one in the room who notices how tight his fists are by his arms.
it’s also the first time you’ve seen taehyung without his usual grin. you don’t like it; you don’t like this guy either.
taehyung isn’t a confrontational person nor is he someone who gets into a fight easily, for as long as you have known him, before and after tutoring him, one thing you know for sure is that taehyung avoids fights, not because he will lose but because he would much rather just enjoy his time instead of wasting it on people who don’t deserve it.
“i mean, come on, what do you guys even know about music to do it? just finish your degree like the rest of us and get a proper job, music won’t keep you alive in the real world” the guy says it like he’s doing taehyung a favor, like his advice would save taehyung’s life and taehyung just stands stiff, clearly upset.
“taehyung, can we leave?” you interrupt the conversation and both heads turn to look at you, you don’t know anything about taehyung and his music but you don’t want him to deal with this guy anymore either. taehyung immediately nods at you, looking relieved.
“now, who is she?” the guys lifts his eyebrow at you with a smirk, raking his eyes over you shamelessly.
“you don’t need to know, you fucking prick” you dead pan at him, even surprising yourself with your harsh tone and taehyung snorts at the guys annoyed face, walking to you and guiding you out of there with a hand on your lower back. you snapped because not only has this night been overwhelming, you also just can’t stand people as ridiculous as him, how dare he say anything about taehyung at all.
taehyung would be the biggest liar if he said that he didn’t find that hot, he knows how much you would prefer being away from people and situations like that and he almost expected you to just stand and watch but the second you talked back to the guy for him, taehyung has had this overwhelming sense of ego take over him because you wouldn’t do that for anyone but you did it for him.
and as he keeps looking at you, taehyung realizes there’s a lot that you do for him, that you don’t do for anyone else, you snuck out of a class for him, he knows that rules are something you stick to but you let them go for him, you went to lunch with a practical stranger for him, something you would never do with another classmate, you came to this party for him and if it weren’t for how nervous you looked under that hoodie, taehyung would have kissed you, there’s nothing else he’s wanted to do more.
thinking about all of this means only one thing to him, taehyung likes you, more than a friend ever will, he doesn’t think he’s ever seen you as just a friend, not when your head lulled back and forth and fell on his shoulders the day he carried you to your apartment, taehyung doesn’t worry about a lot but he was worried about how sick you were and when he contemplated kissing you every single time you met up to study, taehyung knows he’s been a goner for you.
taehyung likes you, he wants to be with you and not have boundaries, he wants to see you let loose fully, he wants you to kiss him whenever you want to and his hand around your waist tightens at his realization.
after becoming aware of the hand on you which carefully weaves you through the crowd, you quickly move away from his touch, walking through the crowds by yourself, and taehyung follows you with an evident frown on his face.
he just thought you two are alright but he’s proven wrong with the distance that gets further between you two and he can’t help the disappointment flooding his chest. and again, guilt, the guilt that has stayed with him since you left him hanging at the door, why the guilt though? he doesn’t know.
you get into his car with a sigh, already relieved that this night will be over soon and you can just ignore everything from tomorrow and taehyung doesn’t drive away, sits there with his hands on his lap and a grim expression. you look at him for a few minutes, you have a million questions about what that guy said, about whether it was true that taehyung does music but you bitterly remember your place in his life, a tutor, which is why you don’t end up asking anything.
“taehyung, we need to go” you remind him and he nods slowly, lifting his head to grip the steering wheel tightly and sighs once again, letting it go.
“do you have to go home?” he turns to you with anxiousness on his face that you don’t recognize, he almost looks desperate? lost even, if you had to describe.
“where else will we go?”
“can i take you somewhere?”
“it’s my apartment, i have to show you something, i’ll drop you as soon as we’re done there, i promise” and when it looks like you’re going to refuse, taehyung immediately adds this part and you are even more confused.
if you’re just someone tutoring him, why does he want you to come to his apartment?
“fine” you mutter and fall back on the seat, annoyed at yourself for not being able to say no to him even now and shut your eyes before you think too much about it.
-
“come in” taehyung moves out of the way and you walk into his apartment, it was just big enough for one person, and covered in beige and shades of autumnal colors that give it a warm feel.
“your home is pretty” the compliment leaves your lips before you can stop it and taehyung gives you a softer smile than the one he usually has.
“thank you”
upon further walking in, you see a messy living room with papers thrown around, a desk covered in similar papers and a computer with a music system sitting right in front of it.
bingo.
the obnoxious guy at the party definitely wasn’t lying about the music part.
when you turn around to see taehyung, he looks so much smaller than he normally does, he looks nervous, he’s fidgeting and playing with his fingers and it takes you completely off guard. you’ve never seen him like this.
“what did you want to show me?” you ask, not going any further into the apartment and standing with your arms crossed. he doesn’t utter a word as he walks over to you, pulls your folded arms apart and holds your hand which confuses you and fills you with warmth at the same time.
you can only stare at your intertwined hands as he pulls you forward.
what is happening?
you are only brought back to reality when he places you on the chair in front of the computer and you look back at him with a frown.
“it’s true, what the guy at the party said, i do make music and i didn’t want you to think that i don’t plan on telling you” he mutters from behind you with fiddling fingers and it feels satisfying that you are not the nervous one this time.
so, taehyung does do music and you are impressed, very impressed because you feel like it’s a very emotionally taxing process and takes a lot of bravery to actually spill your feelings into ink, you could never do it which is why it’s a hundred times more admirable to you.
“so, i wanted to play you one of my songs?” he says it in a question and you stay quiet, both grateful that he’s showing you his work and even more confused because again, he called you his tutor not even two hours ago, you don’t understand why he’s showing you all this.
“why are you showing me?” the question tumbles out of your mouth in a disappointed sigh.
“because i trust you” he answers simply, ignoring your widened eyes and looking through his computer, all while leaned over your shoulder, and no matter how many times this has happened, his body brushing against yours leaves you breathless.
he purses his lips as he presses play and you instinctively lean towards the computer as a soft song starts thrumming through the room.
“on my pillow can’t get me tired sharing my fragile truth that i still hope the door is open
‘cause the window opened one time with you and me now my forever’s falling down wondering if you’d want me now?
how could i know? one day i’d wake up feeling more but I had already reached the shore guess we were ships in the night night, night
we were ships in the night night, night.”
your mouth stays agape as you listen to taehyung’s voice, which is steady and deep and pushes all the way to your heart, and the song just feels so warm, like the beautiful end to a bright summer, there’s sadness but desperation more clearly written in the lyrics and you can’t believe that you’re sitting in front of the man who’s singing it.
“did you write this?” you ask quietly as the song continues to play and you see a nod from the corner of your eye and your admiration for taehyung grows ten-fold, as you listen to his voice in complete awe, if his voice is deep usually, it’s a lot deeper and more soulful when he’s singing. and whoever he’s singing this song for, you are jealous of them, you don’t know them but you’re jealous of them.
“do you like it?” he pauses the player before another song starts and how do you tell him that you might just be in love with him and everything about him?
“it was beautiful” you compliment, albeit a little bitter that it isn’t about you and taehyung looks a mixture of pleased and relieved at your words.
“who is it for?” you can’t help but ask him as you stay seated.
“no one, it’s just a story i’ve had on my mind” you sense only honesty in his words and it further impresses you that he can weave a story and put life and love into it.
“of two people in love?”
“of two people falling in love.” he corrects you and it dawns on you that a story of two people already in love would be a lot different than two people discovering and falling slowly but surely.
“did you have fun making the story?” now that you know about his music, you are only curious to know more about it and taehyung is more than happy to indulge you.
“it’s…different, making a story of two people, no one that you know, but giving them emotions, giving their emotions a journey and putting it into words in a proper way, it’s hard but i enjoy nothing else more.” you only listen to how taehyung describes songwriting because you still are in awe at how much passion he holds when he’s talking about music.
one out of many things that you loved about taehyung was that you could never just expect something to happen with him, he really played his own drum and did whatever he wanted to do, consequences are an afterthought to him, and it’s refreshing, it’s also so rare which is why you truly think he’s one of the most precious kind of people. like who would have known that the party would end this way?
“that’s very cool of you” you smile at him and he grins back, moving away from you to take his stuffy jacket off and you already miss being encompassed in his warmth. you get up from your seat, thinking that you will have to leave soon now that you have heard the song.
“should we go now?” you ask him, not actually wanting to leave but knowing you can’t stay either.
“there’s one thing left to do” he says with pursed lips, coming back to where you’re stood and you frown at him.
“what is it?” you question as he starts walking to you with determination in every step, taehyung doesn’t want to lose his courage before he reaches you.
“what?” you ask again, a little breathlessly this time, your breath getting uneven and the butterflies singing in every end of your nerves when he stands right in front of you, looking down on you while biting his lip slightly.
and his hand comes up to take your glasses off, you feel completely bare as he carelessly throws them to the side and then curls his fingers around your cheek. while smiling, he doesn’t give you an answer, just closes the distance between you two with a single, large step and pulls you to him with his hand firm on your waist.
“i hope you don’t mind” is his cheeky comment as he caresses your cheek once before he does what he couldn’t do at the party.
everything falls into place perfectly to you; your hands grip his thin t-shirt to stabilize yourself and his hands grab onto your skin like he will go insane if he doesn’t feel you. you are hot all over, your body shaking a little with the overflowing love and affection you throw into each pull of his lips. you gasp for breath once he lets you go a little, gazing into your eyes and you return a dazed look of your own, but you aren’t given a break when he pulls you back in again, chasing after you like you will run away if he lets you go for too long.
but taehyung doesn’t have to worry, you aren’t going anywhere.
and frankly, you don’t mind this at all.
-
the rest of the night is just taehyung playing you more songs and a lot of kissing, neither of you confessing but kissing each other like your life depended on it and if taehyung doesn’t like you the way you do, you don’t think you will ever be able to move on from his addicting scent and touch.
you toss and turn on taehyung’s bed, you ended up staying after he insisted in between kisses and you were too weak and lost in the moment to refuse, he ended up sleeping on the couch and that gave you plenty of time to think about last night. you got up way too early and after freshening up, you just couldn’t face him, you didn’t know how to so you stayed in his room.
what did it even mean to him?
was it just one of those kisses you blame on too much alcohol?
you groan and stuff your face into a pillow as you resist the urge to scream, if you were confused before, you simply don’t have a clue anymore, the line between friendship and relationship between you and him was so blurred, you don’t even know if it existed anymore.
and if he was going to kiss you, why make you feel so insignificant at the beginning?
“you really shouldn’t think so much this early into the day” you jump when you hear taehyung’s amused voice at the door, he looks just as gorgeous as always even in the morning.
“i blame you for it” you retort as you sit up, he falls on his bed while stretching, letting out a loud yawn and you smile at him, you like waking up to him.
“i told you i will take the couch” you tell him with slight guilt as he continues to stretch his sore body.
“that’s fine, next time we’ll just sleep together” he looks up at you with a smirk and you turn stark red at the suggestive tone, reaching for the pillow behind you and throwing it on his face, letting out a loud laugh when he lets out a yelp of pain.
“speaking of that” you purse your lips as he stops stretching and looks at you with his usual bright smile which flutters your heart just like the first time.
“what are we?” you ask him, gesturing between you two, the question lays heavily in the a
this place that looked so bright and full of life, made you feel like the loneliest person in the world.
seoul.
a place where everyone seemed to know everyone and no one at the same time, this maze of a place is what you would call home for the next year and so.
being a transfer student was hard enough on its own, being an introverted art transfer student was even harder. all the friends who came with you had already found home in the people around them and in the places they chose to live in but you were stuck here, in this admittedly beautiful apartment, but even as beautiful as it was, you didn’t have anyone to fill the silence in the air around you.
your friends were good people though, they knew how hard it would be for you to adjust which is why they constantly spent time with you but you have urged them to not bother with that anymore, they’re in a new place with a treasure box full of memories and fun to unbox and you are no one to hold them back.
and loneliness isn’t an unfamiliar feeling, so you don’t feel too down about it.
but you do wish that you had someone to open your treasure box with, someone who sits beside you as you unpack the stories you would tell in the future, someone who would be the main character in your stories, the one who knows everything about you, someone who listens to the dreams you whisper into the night.
you had simple dreams.
your dream was to escape the cage you put yourself in.
and you’ll get there, your hope is flickering and exhausted but it exists, it urges you to breath everyday even if it’s hard, even if you want to run away and never talk to anyone again, your tiny light of hope that you’ll reach your dream, is what keeps you alive.
besides, seoul has too many pretty café’s, bakery’s, and skylines for you to give up here, you would rather give up in a place where everything is mundane and monotone, kind of like your home before you came here.
your hands lay limp beside you as you take a break from molding your sculpture, the clay drying on your hand feels uncomfortable, the night keeps getting colder as midnight strikes, and you feel tired in all aspects but that isn’t a valid excuse to the world, and it is especially a lousy excuse to your teacher who will grade this assignment in a few months from now.
you have just a few months to finish this intricate design of a woman falling down, you’re half-way done with her head but your mind doesn’t let you imagine what a descent would look like, a descent of a spectacular woman like the one you’ve made deserves to be show-stopping and you can’t come up with it.
what made you think that being an art major student would be a good idea?
you are clearly not cut out for it and the consolation and peace you used to feel every time your hands moved to create something is largely absent from your recent works, you feel like you can’t do anything right these days.
you are so cruel to yourself, even when the world is enough cruel to you, you press yourself to feel more pain, to hurt yourself a little more and you feel utterly useless in this large world filled with talented people.
art used to be your thing, it used to make you feel like a blooming flower during spring, it used to make you feel like you’re having the wildest party all in your head and it broke your heart into many more pieces when you didn’t feel that rush of emotions anymore.
you loudly sigh and check the time; it’s a little past midnight and you can only guarantee your safety if you start leaving now considering you want to take a ride to han river before you head home as well. you arrange your supplies in the right order and wave goodbye to the unfinished sculpture, grabbing your bicycle and then you’re gone in the wind.
the world doesn’t seem as cruel with breeze flying through your hair and your hands tightly wound on the bicycle you’ve rented for the time being, it was cheaper and you needed a way of transport in this expensive city, and you don’t like buses even if they’re more accessible, you prefer your lilac bike.
han river is one place that feels like home in this cold city, it’s the one place you will let yourself get lost in, you screech your cycle to a stop and step off the bike, there’s not a lot of people in sight, a few couples here and there, some people walking their dog and then your bench. well, it’s not your bench but whenever you’re here, it’s always empty and you just claimed it as yours but this time, it’s not.
you squint your eyes as you walk your bike to the bench, the usually empty bench seems to be occupied by a tall man, who doesn’t seem to notice anything around him, his cap is lowered just enough to cover his eyes and his stature is slightly slouched over, you only notice a notebook on his lap once you get close enough.
“is there anything i can help you with?” a gentle but deep voice breaks your train of thoughts and that is when you realize you’re staring at him, you panic and quickly bow in apology, palms already sweaty at having to come up with an excuse.
“i-i’m so sorry, i didn’t mean to stare, this bench is usually empty which i was confused that’s all, enjoy your night” you bow again in apology, eyes squeezing shut, you want to run away and never come back, even your safe place has an embarrassing memory attached to it now.
“no no it’s okay” he lightly chuckles and you feel grateful to the kind stranger.
“if you want, there’s place for one more” he pats the empty space next to him and finally lifts his head, with his cap no longer getting in your way, you almost gasp at how handsome the man is, his eyes especially, you don’t think you’ve seen more beautiful eyes in your life.
“i don’t want to intrude, really it’s okay” you nervously say, hands squeezing the handles of your bike tighter.
“you’re not intruding, technically this is public property so you can do what you want.” he shrugs.
he’s not wrong. and his voice is awfully soothing to the ear so yeah, maybe you’ll take that seat.
you rest your bike against the tree beside it, noticing another bike resting against it and sheepishly sit down next to the man with the blue bike and comforting voice. you lean back with a sigh of relief, still a little stiff because you’re sitting next to a stranger but you don’t feel as uncomfortable as you usually do around new people.
you like that.
you like not freezing every time someone unfamiliar talks to you.
“my name’s kim namjoon, by the way” he lifts his hand with a huge smile and your eyes admire the deep dimples on his cheek, he looks friendly and awfully too nice.
too nice.
“y/n” your cheeks are already flushed and you manage to only whisper your name as you shake his hand, his hand feels warm and welcome.
“so, y/n, which university do you go to, assuming that you are still a student?” you’re surprised that he is trying to make conversation with you but you find yourself not minding it at all.
“still a student and this university” you lift your phone to show him the university on your phone and his eyes spark with recognition. it isn’t good to show strangers which university you go to but namjoon looks harmless, you just hope he’s as harmless as he seems.
“we go to the same university” he smiles at you and you bite your lip, you’ve never seen him around.
“do we? what do you major in?” you slip your phone into your pocket and look at him.
the moonlight looks especially stunning on him.
“it’s pretty boring, business and history” he sheepishly scratches the back of his head and you shake your head immediately.
“everything feels boring after a while, i’m sure you’ll find something special in those subjects too” you wish you could say the same to yourself but you’re not sure if your love for art will ever be reborn again. you don’t notice namjoon’s fond eyes looking at you as you worry about yourself.
“what course do you take?”
“art” you answer shyly.
“that’s so cool” and usually, whenever you tell people that you’re an art major, you see a constant wariness in their eyes, judging you, judging your future and they proceed to ask questions about how you’ll build yourself from scratch. questions like that scared you.
namjoon doesn’t say anything but a simple compliment, simple but sincere and that’s really all you need. you smile at him, sincerely for the first time in months.
“you come here often?” it keeps surprising you that he continues the conversation but you’re grateful that he does, you have no way to continue it yourself.
“not a lot of other places to go to when you’re a broke college student.” namjoon chuckles at your dull tone and you find that you like that, you like making him laugh like he is right now.
“you’re right, seoul is as expensive as it can get.” his tone is whiny and…cute? everything about namjoon is cute as far as you can tell.
“tell me about it, can’t buy a decent cup of coffee without having to sell my kidney.” he laughs once again and at the sound of his laughter, a familiar bloom of happiness starts slowly in your body too. and you grin at him.
“well i bear good news for you, dear broke college student, i happen to be the owner of a bakery near the campus, it’s called ‘joonie,’ don’t question the name please, and you’re welcome anytime, i promise to give a hefty discount.” his voice is teasing and filled with playfulness which makes you giggle, his eyes widen at your loud giggle, before they disappear because of his huge smile.
“not for free?” you decide to tease him back and he throws a glare at you, though a smile stays dancing on his lips.
“i will be the broke college student then” you laugh breathlessly into the chilly night and you feel free. you don’t feel your cage around you, even if it was just for that moment or two.
and you know that’s it all because of the man with the blue bike sitting right next to you.
maybe, just maybe, seoul isn’t as lonely of a place as you thought it would be.
-
that night, you fell asleep with a warm feeling trapped in your body, namjoon insisted to walk you, and even with all the sirens of stranger danger, you let him, it was a lovely walk, you made each other laugh as the night grew colder and right at your door, he gave you a smile you would remember forever, that’s how special it felt to you.
now, that you’re alone again, you don’t feel as warm and fuzzy anymore, you are cold as ice like any other day.
you don’t know why you are, the way you are but you are. you exist, fading in and out of reality, but you exist. and you have responsibilities, you have teachers back home to make proud, you have a family waiting for your calls, you have assignments to finish, you have a life that you can’t just resign from.
your hands drip with wet clay as you focus on finishing the head of your falling lady, you feel your approaching sadness over the emotions you miss, your hands carefully press and smooth on her face, you don’t want to mess her up and you need your scholarship if you want to stay or continue in seoul. but you still feel hollow, devoid of the capability to feel anything.
you lean back on the uncomfortable wooden stool which digs into your skin from time to time, you can’t even reach for your phone with how messy your hands are and you groan, desperately trying to get your head back into it.
“can’t focus?” you hear the same, deep voice and you immediately snap your head at the entrance of the studio room to see namjoon leaning on the doorframe, he had a nervous smile on his face with slightly widened eyes and you immediately felt bashful under his careful gaze.
“it’s nothing new” you say honestly and he hums, walking into the room and sitting on the other side of your table.
“i hope you don’t think is creepy, you told me you were in the art department and i was going to head home, but the light was turned on here so i assumed there would be a chance of you being here, and i just wanted to check, i swear it sounds creepy but it’s n-“ you cut his nervous rambling with a small chuckle, waving your hand to dismiss his worries.
“it’s alright, really” you reassure him and he sighs in relief.
“i’m not here to distract you though, you can keep working, i’ll leave.” he gives you a smile and gets ready to leave but you don’t want him to go.
“no, stay.” you say and immediately feel a blush creep over your face when he shrugs happily and sits back down.
“i could use a distraction right now, is what i meant” you try to cover you but you know that namjoon doesn’t buy that excuse, he just nods with a playful roll of his eyes.
“in that case, can i take you somewhere?” and you don’t say no.
-
in namjoon’s poorly lit bakery, which apparently runs 24/7, you feel good sitting opposite to him and you don’t mind the open environment because there’s barely anyone here.
“you were doing a sculpture when i came in, right?” you nod, fingers curling around the coffee cup in front of you.
“the idea is to make it a falling woman.”
“i can’t imagine that being easy.” namjoon tilts his head with a small frown.
“you’re right, it’s not. which is why i’m struggling with it” you smile tightly, your mind once again invading you with your inability to finish it.
“it’s not easy but i’m sure you can do it.” he reassures you and as much as you want to believe it, you don’t have it in you.
“right” you mumble with a strained smile and namjoon picks up on your sour mood.
“it’s hard to focus sometimes, burnouts are very natural especially if it’s a creative process like yours, so take it easy, work as hard as you can when you’re motivated, and take breaks when you don’t feel motivated” you just stare at him with your mouth agape, because no one’s tried to comfort you like this and you don’t even know namjoon all that well.
“thank you, like seriously thank you” you are grateful to him, his words did give you a small push, to continue your assignment.
“you don’t have to thank me, just be sure to show me when you’re done with it, yeah?” he smiles at you and you nod happily, you decide right then that he’ll be the first person you show because you really don’t know anyone else in this city.
“enough about me, tell me about you.”
“i like writing songs.” you widen your eyes in excitement and urge him to continue, at your enthusiastic reaction, he lets out a little laugh and rubs the back of his neck.
“me and my friends, we recently rented a studio, the goal is to be a producing group together, we’re pretty solid” he explains and your respect and admiration for him grows ten-fold.
you want to ask him to listen to one of his works but you’re not sure if you’re there yet.
“one day, maybe if we keep meeting like this, you can listen to something by me.” he suggests and you’re delighted that he says it himself.
“one day” you smile gleefully at him and he smiles right back.
you may not like seoul just yet, but you like namjoon.
you like namjoon a lot.
-
you don’t stop meeting namjoon, whether it be at your art studio when he visits you late at night, and it feels so delicate with no one else but you two. or whether you meeting him during his shift in the library and then walking to the bakery and staying there till it gets too late.
you enjoy his company; you enjoy making him laugh and knowing more about him.
and you only hope that he enjoys it just as much as you do.
you really, really hope that he does.
“you look cute when you concentrate” you suddenly hear namjoon’s voice as your hands smooth over your woman’s cheeks, your movements pause on the sculpture, looking at him with widened eyes and he simply grins at you, you snap your head back and start running your hands on her face, ignoring the butterflies in your chest.
“oh right, the other day, you asked me when i would let you listen to my music?” you immediately abandon your sculpture to lean towards him with an eager smile on your face and namjoon chuckles bashfully at your reaction.
one thing that you both constantly talked about was his music, since you got to know about it, your curiosity was endless, and namjoon was more than happy to feed your thoughts, telling you everything from his inspiration to write lyrics to where he gets his equipment and why he writes the lyrics he does.
“well, today’s the day if you want to go” you don’t even answer him, shuffling out of your seat and putting your sculpture, and namjoon watches with amusement as you hurriedly arrange everything and run around to finish as quickly as you can.
“let’s go” you gasp breathlessly as you come back to him while stuffing your arms into your cardigan and namjoon gestures you to calm down with the same amused smile.
“i’m calm, now take me” you whine as you grab his hand, dragging him out of your studio.
-
you both are giggling all the way up to his studio, namjoon either tickling you whenever you talk too much or you mess up his hair by pulling his hoodie on his head over and over again, you’re nothing but all smiles as you reach the room. the lights are already on and you hear light noise coming from the inside, namjoon looks over at you and then places his hand on the door.
“i guess, you’re also meeting my friends today” he smiles at you and you freeze, and just as you’re about to grab his hand and run back to your studio, he pushes the door open and pulls you in with him.
you are met with three pairs of unfamiliar eyes who immediately look up at the intrusive sound and the new person in the room. you instinctively move behind namjoon a little, but then he’s tutting at you and pulling you gently in front of him, all while the four pair of eyes never leave your intertwined fingers.
your feet stop moving as you only look at the ground, letting namjoon start the conversation.
“everyone, meet y/n, she’s my…friend” he breathes out and you don’t lift your head, just nodding in acknowledgement. you hear people shuffle around before a hand comes into your vision, you look up to see a man with a bright smile on his face.
“name’s hoseok, nice to meet you” you slowly shake his hand as he keeps smiling at you, you feel yourself smile back at him involuntarily. someone pushes hoseok out of the way and even as he turns to curse at them, another hand extends itself towards you.
“hello, i’m taehyung” he doesn’t wait for you to take his hand but eagerly reaches for it and shakes it roughly, making you giggle at his frantic actions, and then one more hand takes his place.
“yoongi, good to meet you” he offers you a small smile and you smile back at him.
“this isn’t everyone by the way, just the half” and you’re glad because your social battery isn’t charged for more people.
“now, i came here to show y/n something so, everyone out” namjoon points to the door with his thumb and everyone except you starts whining and complaining but they do start to gather their things, hoseok leaves first but not without telling you that you should hang out one day and yoongi does the same, taehyung pauses at the door before turning with a smirk.
“you’re kicking us to kiss y/n, right?” he teases and you choke on your own breath, namjoon also blushes and looks away before pushing the boy out.
“sorry about that” he scratches the back of his neck and you wave your hand to dismiss his worries, shyly pushing your hair back.
“okay, let’s do this” he claps his hands, sitting in front of a large monitor, you sit right beside him, leaning over to see him clicking over many files to find the song he wanted to play for you.
he looks at you with a nervous smile and you nudge him to press play already and when he does, you don’t think about anything but the sound that surrounds you.
it’s an alternating beat, flowing between a softer to a harsher beat, the lyrics and namjoon’s voice engulfing you, telling you story about an ending, a bye which isn’t pleasent, and it makes you tear up, because the feeling that you missed with your art slowly spreads in your chest, covering inches of you in miniscule crawls but just the return of those feelings makes you want to break down on the floor in happiness.
you listen with awe written all over your face and namjoon doesn’t disturb you, doesn’t ask you how it is, just lets you feel his words in peace.
at the end of the song, he doesn’t even ask you if you like the song or not, he simply smiles at your teary eyes and wipes a few tears that stopped on the apples of your cheeks.
“sometimes, i’m afraid” he quietly says, the music long fading into background and now, it’s only him that matters.
“afraid of what?”
“that i won’t go somewhere with this” he gestures to the equipment and lyric sheets messily thrown on the desk, the tension is heavy in the room with namjoon’s dull mood, and you take his hand in yours.
“you made me feel something that i never thought i would feel again, i was so scared that i lost the part of me that could feel but that one song revived me, and if that happened with me, i’m sure your music will resonate to a lot of others too, and you don’t have to go somewhere with this, you’re already there as long as you love what you’re doing.” you tell the words you wished someone would say to you, because namjoon, out of anyone else you knew, deserved to hear those words.
he’s grateful for your words as he takes your hand in his and presses a gentle kiss on it. your smile is wider than it’s ever been and you know that it’s only because of him. and with that kiss, you also know that it’s not just you who is falling.
“thank you” he mutters, cupping your hands gently in his.
“you can thank me by playing more songs” you cheekily say and namjoon lifts his hands in surrender with a low chuckle, already looking for more songs to play for you, but now, it’s less about showing you his work and more about seeing that look on your face as you completely get lost in the song.
that’s how you spend the night, you end up in full blown tears at some point, and namjoon laughs as he keeps wiping them with his sweater and you don’t want the night to end, you don’t want to stop crying around namjoon because you get too into your feels about the song, you don’t him to stop wiping your tears away because it’s him, and any moment with him, laughter or sobs, feels right.
how are you ever supposed to tell him that you have to leave?
-
you stir lightly in your slumber, being unable to stretch as much as you want to and with an annoyed groan, you open your eyes to meet..a chest?
yeah, that’s someone’s chest, you’re very sure it is.
you snap your head up even in your half sleepy state to see namjoon still blissfully in dream land.
then you look at your surroundings, you never left the studio last night and right now, you’re all cuddled up to namjoon and the warmth around you two is a good change from the weather outside.
you don’t mind this, you don’t mind this at all.
you lazily smile before snuggling closer and trying to fall asleep again, but then you hear noises, voices to be more exact and it’s coming from right outside the door, you internally panic but don’t have the energy to try and move.
you hear the creak of the door opening, and squeeze your eyes shut, hoping that whoever it is, just goes away and leaves you until you can run out. the voices immediately pause, and you know that they’re looking at you.
“no way” someone chuckles in disbelief and if you remember right, the voice belongs to taehyung. you feel namjoon move in his sleep and expect him to get up abruptly to explain to his friends whatever this was. but just like you, he doesn’t move.
“what are you doing here so early?” he groans, cradling your face deeper into his chest and you feel a rosy blush erupting in your cheeks at his low voice and the new closer proximity.
“it’s saturday, namjoon” hoseok answers.
“i get that but can you leave till she gets up and goes back? i don’t want her to be uncomfortable when she wakes up.” your heart warms at how considerate he is of you and stifle your laugh when they playfully complain to namjoon, loud enough to whine but low enough to not disturb you, they still think you’re asleep.
“the things we do for young love” yoongi dramatically mutters.
“you better buy us a round of drinks later, hyung” you hear taehyung complain but you also hear a smile in his complaint, like he actually doesn’t mind at all.
“yeah yeah, now get out.”
“so bossy” hoseok mutters one last time before the door closes and you deeply exhale in relief.
“you can open your eyes now, they’re gone” namjoon brushes your hair away from your face and you squirm in his arms, darting your eyes up as you look at him, you feel totally in bliss in his arms with sunlight shining on you two.
am i suffocating you?
do i make you happy like you make me?
am i hurting you, because i’ve done that before?
how will i leave you behind?
like a response to all your questions, namjoon places a soft kiss on your forehead before his lips trail all across your face, delicately drawing patterns on your face and then his lips pause at yours.
but you don’t back away like you expected yourself to and he doesn’t either, only holds you tighter.
-
the smile on your face doesn’t budge as you finish your falling lady’s head, it’s finally done, and you’re honestly in love with her, you’re in love with everything about her face, from her eyelashes that are startled open, lips slightly parted, eyebrows raised in an elegant way and her face contorted in a peaceful shock. even when falling, she’s supposed to be the most graceful woman. and she looks like it too.
you feel at peace, not as jittery as you used to be, you still get the occasional sinking feeling of fear and disappointment but you don’t let it take over you like it used to.
even your hands covered with clay don’t feel uncomfortable, they don’t feel suffocating, they feel freeing, you’re slowly re-discovering love, both for art and in people. and you know why you feel better than you have in years.
the door to the art studio swings open and you barely recognize namjoon who stumbles in through.
you also understand why love is addictive.
“do you need help with that?” you get up from your stool when you see namjoon carrying a huge stack of books in his arms. you hear a groan in reply and stifle a laugh as you wipe your hands on your apron and take half the stack from him, placing them on your desk with a huff.
“why are you carrying these around?” you ask as he sits down opposite to you.
“new books, i need to write their titles down in this register” he lifts a large, rectangular book from the desk with a look of dread on his face.
“you couldn’t do that in the library? carrying all of these books back will be exhausting.”
“i just wanted to spend time with you” he nervously chuckles and you feel your cheeks warm up.
“then you did a good thing” you smile at him and both of you work silently, you continue to start the body of your lady and namjoon scribbles through many of those books.
you know you have to tell him, that your time here, that your time with him is limited and you know he deserves to know before both of you get too deep into this to get out.
“joon, there’s something you need to know” you stop drawing your pieces and he stops writing as well, putting his pen down to give you his undivided attention.
“i’m listening.” as confident as he sounds, you know that he’s nervous, it’s written all over his face.
“you know that i’m a transfer student, right?”
“right, and your course lasts for 2-3 years?” he looks so hopeful, you want to take back every word you’ve said so far and just let him believe that.
but you can’t do that anymore.
“no, it doesn’t” you look away from him and he frowns.
“does it last for longer then?” you hate this. you really hate this.
“i’m staying here only for a couple more months, like 4-5 now.” you purse your lips and stay silent as you wait for his reaction, he doesn’t say anything either, his frown gets deeper and you almost feel like you’re betraying him. which you are.
“i’m sorry, i just need a minute” he gets up from his seat and your eyes nervously follow his movement.
“of course, take your time” you mumble as he exits the art studio and you feel your heart sinking as soon as the door shuts close and you’re all alone again.
the motivation you had when you first started the night of sculpting, left your body as soon as the sound of the door clicking shut filled the air, your shoulders slump and your hands lay limp by your side, and before you know it, tears slide down your cheeks as you purse your lips.
you had just stopped getting used to being lonely but now that the feeling comes rushing back to you, you hate it.
-
you don’t hear from namjoon for the next two days and you’re left tossing right and left in your bed and trying to ignore the tears that stain your pillows.
you should’ve told him sooner, you should’ve let him know that even if you had time, it wouldn’t be much, but maybe he thought it was better to leave you while he could.
it’s not like it hurt any less for you though, because you really did like namjoon, you might even love him if you could convince yourself that you were capable of love, you have never felt the way with anyone else but namjoon, that feeling of just teetering over the edge before you completely get lost in him.
every time your phone buzzes, your heart leaps in your throat and you hurriedly grab it but it’s never him.
you lazily structure the body of your sculpture, messing up frequently and with each mistake, you feel more annoyed, not only with yourself, but with the world, for filling your life with warmth only to leave it chilling cold like it always has been.
and one more mistake later, you throw the arm of your lady on the ground, frowning at it with a groan escaping your throat.
you’re not handling this well.
then you remember namjoon’s words, take breaks when you aren’t motivated and give it your all when you are. you feel anything but motivated so you decide to take a ride down han river for an hour and come back to your sculpture.
you warily eye the door to your art studio, you won’t tell anyone but you’ve been secretly hoping for a certain someone to burst through the door clumsily with fumbling steps and words, and you’re left dejected every time it turns out to be anyone but him.
your lilac bike is the only thing in the world that shows you mercy, the only thing that gives you the freedom to let go and you’re grateful that you chose it and not some stuffy train or bus.
you hastily throw your bike to rest on the tree adjacent to your bench and soak in the cold wind that surrounds you, no one but a few people with pets pass in front of you and even with the grey skies showing signs of a heavy rain, and the wind that chills your bones, you have never felt more at peace in these past two days than right now.
maybe you should just start getting used to being lonely again.
it’s not that bad, at least not on this bench and bike you’ve grown so fond of.
“as much as i love seeing you here, i was trying to ignore you” you hear from behind you and you don’t turn around, you know that it’s namjoon, and you’re not sure if he’s being as serious as he sounds.
“i can leave” you mumble, getting up from the bench.
“no, stay.” he appears in front of you and sits you back down before settling beside you.
“it was stupid of me to think that i could forget you simply by ignoring you, especially when i don’t want to forget.” he doesn’t sound like he’s talking to you, more talking to himself but you still listen, with your heart caught in your throat and your palms unusually sweaty even in this cold weather.
“what are you trying to say?” you sound annoyed and you are slightly, because he keeps mumbling to himself and you don’t want to get your hopes high just for him to leave you on this bench.
“i’m saying that, i don’t care if our time is limited”.
there it is, hope.
with soaring hope in your chest and eyes, you finally look at him for the first time since he’s come here.
“i don’t care because we’ll just make the most out of our time, i want to know all of you before you leave me, it’s dangerous to say that i don’t care even if it hurts, but i don’t have it in me to be scared of that right now, i’m only scared of losing you while you’re still here.” you are at a loss of words as namjoon spills his feelings on you, and the hope that soared through your chest reaches the sky when you process what he says.
but how hurt will you be at the end?
you’ve been hurt before; you can handle it. at least you think you can.
because how could you ever say no to namjoon when he’s offering you a key to the treasure of memories you’ve always wanted to open?
“now, i understand why you write songs” is the only thing you can say with your choked up voice and teary eyes, and namjoon, like always, is there to wipe your tears away.
“i’ll keep writing if you listen to them, wherever you are.”
-
with each day that you spend with namjoon, it gets harder to part ways at the end, whether it be right at the front of your door or at the studio, saying goodbye, even for a few hours, felt painful and it was evident that namjoon felt the same way too.
the grip on your hand tightens as leaves fall around you two, you’re back near han river and namjoon is busy writing lyrics in front of you while you sketch away anything that comes to your mind. you don’t feel as frantic about your sculpture now that you’ve finished the outline of her body, you’re going somewhere with it and you couldn’t be happier.
“what do you think of this?” one thing you love about sitting by namjoon as he writes his lyrics, is how he constantly reaches out to you for your opinion, you feel very special that your opinion matters to him.
you take the notebook from his hands and glance over the lyrics, it’s just as tear-jerking but eye-opening as all of his songs are, you hand it back to him with a grin on your face and that’s how he knows that you love it.
“i wanted to ask you this, how did you feel when i didn’t talk to you for those few days?” the question is sudden but you’re not caught off guard, you knew it was only a matter of time before it would come up.
“lonely, just lonely.” was your honest answer.
“how did being lonely feel?” he asks as he continues scribbling on his notebook.
“familiar but not that bad” you know that your answer is straight forward enough to jerk namjoon’s scribbles to a pause. he looks guilty as he raises his head to you and you are taken aback when he takes your hand in his and rubs circles on the back of it.
“now that i’m here, you never have to get used to or settle for ‘not that bad’, okay?”
“okay.” you smile at him and he smiles back, you feel content, happy even that you could find someone here, that you found namjoon here.
-
as weeks go by, both you and namjoon get busier, him with a deadline for a demo and you with your sculpture, it’s only a matter of two months before you have to send it for evaluation and even as you are finishing your sculpture, your heart is beating a million times faster, both out of excitement and fear.
your lady looks like every bit of the royalty that she is, at least so far, the cloth that drapes along her body and flies in the air, looks delicate, soft to touch, easy to break, and you couldn’t be prouder about it.
you hear your phone ring and a large smile takes over your face when you see who’s calling.
“hey, i missed you” namjoon can hear the pout in your voice as you speak and he internally coos.
“you don’t have to anymore, i’m outside your studio, i was hoping to take you somewhere since we haven’t seen each other for a few days now.”
“you’re outside?” you glance out the window to see namjoon waiting in a car, he waves his hand when he catches you looking.
you look like crap right now.
“okay, give me a minute or five..” you trail off and cut the call before he can object.
you run from your studio to the washroom with your makeup bag, frantically powdering your oily face and touching up your faded lipstick, you swiped your hands across your hair and pray internally that it won’t poof up. and once you look half-decent, you pat your cheeks roughly and run back to the studio, shoving your makeup bag into a desk and grabbing your usual bag before running out the door.
“are you okay? you look a little out of breath” he asks as you slide into the car, while desperately trying to catch your breath, you hurriedly nod, pulling your seatbelt on.
“okay” he laughs and starts the car.
a calm conversation flows between you two as namjoon drives you to whatever mystery place he wants to take you and you couldn’t feel more at peace with your windows down, making your hair the mess you were afraid it would be but you didn’t care, with namjoon right next to you, nothing else seemed to matter and it didn’t, no one has mattered to you the way namjoon has.
the sun has almost set and you excitedly take pictures of the ever-changing colors of the sky and show them to namjoon who marvels over them with you.
you could get used to this.
you could totally get used to this.
namjoon stops his car right at a small lake, with trees all around you and you can’t hear the loud city or traffic anymore at all, it’s just you, him, rippling water and fresh air. you shiver as you get down the car with namjoon, tugging your jacket closer.
“normally, it would be ideal if it was summer right now but we can’t wait for that” namjoon tells you as he pushes his jacket off his body and you widen your eyes at him.
“you’re crazy, don’t tell me that we’re getting close to that” you point to the lake with quivering lips and namjoon shrugs, removing his boots and wincing at the cold ground.
“this is a bad idea; we will be sick for days.” you shake your head, refusing to let go of your jacket and namjoon laughs at your worried face as he pushes his jeans up.
“and after that, we will be fine. so, shall we?” namjoon reasons and extends his hand towards you, and all your worries about being sick, about probably catching a nasty cold for weeks that could hinder your work, fly away. you sigh in defeat and unwillingly push your jacket away, already cursing everything out and namjoon is having the time of his life, watching you struggle.
“don’t you think taking our clothes off would be better? we will just have wet clothes at the end of this” you grumble as you take your shoes off.
“if you want to take your clothes off, i don’t mind” comes namjoon’s cheeky reply and you pick your jacket from the hood of his car and throw it on his grinning face.
“you know that i didn’t mean it like that” you flush red, both because of the weather and other reasons that namjoon is very aware of.
“of course, come on now, it’s worse just standing here.” and before you fully prepare yourself, namjoon pulls you with him to the edge of the lake, dipping his toe in and shivering, encouraging you to do the same but you know that if you did that, you will be running back to the car.
so, with a smirk, you take your hand from namjoon and push him in, giggling when he screams and the splashing water lands around you, he comes back up, completely drenched as you double over in laughter, he shakes his head at you, ruffling his hair out and before you realize, he’s at the shore, leaning against it with his arms crossed and watching you with a small smile.
“are you going to leave me alone here?” he pouts at you.
“maybe” you tease him and then he’s jumping out of the water, coming towards you with a determined look on his face and you struggle to keep your eyes on his face because his clothes are literally transparent right now. and before you know it, you’re pushed into the water followed closely by namjoon who jumps in next to you.
you gasp for air as you come up, the cold water freezing your nerves but you’re laughing, you’re laughing out of the pure joy and adrenaline that flows through you and namjoon’s laughing with you.
and you don’t think you have been this happy in your life, in your whole entire life, being frozen to your bones is the happiest moment. you start to splash water on namjoon who retaliates by scooping up water and throwing it right on your face.
just when you’re about to start kicking water on him, his arms wrap around you, forehead pressing against yours with a sigh and you stop moving.
“i don’t want to leave this place.” he whispers to you, even with the cold weather, his breath is hot and his body heat is warming you slowly.
in this cold world, both figuratively and physically, namjoon made you feel like the warmest sunlight.
i don’t want to leave you, are the words right at the tip of your tongue.
“we’ll die if we don’t get out soon” you joke instead and namjoon laughs, pulling away to cup your face in his hands, fingers smoothing over your face and your eyes flutter close at the gentle action.
“is there really no way i can make you stay?” you want to cry at how sincere and desperate he sounds.
“no, but you can make my stay worthwhile like you are doing right now” your answer is honest but you’re just as desperate as he is, you don’t want to go home where you have nothing but a monotonous, color-less life but you have no choice.
how can you say goodbye to this face that made the cruel world warmer in every sense?
as a tear escapes your eye, namjoon doesn’t wipe it away like he usually does, he curls his fingers around your cheek and pulls you closer until you can feel all of him, and this time, he kisses your tears away, slowly, like he has all the time in the world and your hands curl around his arms, gripping him like he will go away if you don’t hold him tight enough all while the water flows steadily around you.
he pulls away with a grin and you smile back almost instantly.
namjoon has always thought that people were more capable of hurting than loving but looking at you, shining under the stars and smiling at him like he’s the only person in the world, he believes people are just as capable of loving as they are of hurting.
“i have wanted to do that for so long now” he mutters.
“why didn’t you?”
“it didn’t feel right until now.”
“was it okay..for you?” he asks with pursed lips and you giggle at his nervous expression.
“i don’t think i’ve felt more alive in my whole life.” he beams at your answer, patting your head making you giggle again.
“well, we can just keep doing that then” he exclaims cheerfully and you cheer with him, already reaching for his face.
and again, it’s just you, him and the flowing water that freezes your bones.
with namjoon, seoul doesn’t feel lonely.
not at all.
-
you are the most dressed up you’ve ever been since you’ve come to seoul, with a simple fitting black dress, minimal jewelry and strappy heels, you feel confident standing next to your falling lady which lays vertically on the ground.
you are finally done with her, all of her, her elegant face, her sheer clothes that fly in the air as she falls, her hands grabbing onto open air, she looks desperate to be saved but she looks beautiful even on the ground.
and you’re proud, for the first time in ages, you feel like you have created something that can truly convey what you feel.
bliss, is the only thing you feel even with your sculpture that’s done and ready to present to your teachers and other enthusiasts, but your attention is divided as you keep checking the door to see if namjoon will bust in because you really want him the first person to see it.
“here, joon, here!” you wave your hand frantically in the full studio to try and catch namjoon’s attention who just enters through the door, he locates you in the room and quickly makes his way over to you.
the first thing he does is give you a warm hug and pushes a bouquet of delicate flowers into your hands, grinning proudly at you, he looks so proud and he hasn’t even seen the sculpture.
“you ready?” you call out excitedly, circling around your sculpture which lays under a thin blanket. namjoon shifts on his feet with a huge smile on his face.
“just remember, me showing you this is like you playing your music for me” you inform him.
“i know i will love it either way” he shrugs and you pause from lifting the cloth, narrowing your eyes at him.
“how are you so sure?”
“it’s something you poured your heart into, so i will love it” he answers sincerely and you feel flustered with his compliment, you cough awkwardly and lift the cloth off your lady.
for a few seconds, namjoon doesn’t say anything or change his expression, he circles your lady silently with observant eyes and you shift on your feet, your lips feel dry and you feel nervous all over, because his opinion matters most to you in this city, maybe even in this world.
“it’s you” he mumbles, just loud enough for you to hear.
“what do you mean?”
“you made yourself” he concludes and you blink at him, not knowing what to say.
“she’s beautiful even when she’s falling, even when she’s alone” he starts walking while he talks and stops right in front of you.
“just like you, you’re beautiful, however you are, you are the most beautiful.” you swallow the knot in your throat, no one has ever called you beautiful the way namjoon has.
“i don’t know what to say.”
“then don’t say anything, that’s alright” he lets out a breathy chuckle at your red cheeks.
“you know you don’t have to flatter me, i already like you” you tease and he shrugs.
“doesn’t hurt to get you to like me even more, right?” he winks at you and you playfully roll your eyes.
“but as much as i love you, that wasn’t my attempt to flatter you at all, you are just that good of an artist, and you are also the muse for my lyrics these days” he shyly admits the last part and you feel everything you have wanted to feel since day one of entering seoul.
namjoon truly did open your treasure of memories, and god, it will be so hard to leave him behind.
and he understood what you felt when you created her, you felt just as desperate, just as helpless as she did when you created her but you have handled it with as much grace as you could, namjoon was probably the only person who saw that.
“she is you, and i love her, like i love you.”
-
your presentation goes swimmingly, your teacher loved it, she took many pictures of it to show your potential to her superiors so they can extend your scholarship, and she did mention that the sculpture will be presented in a main art event. so that was definitely a win for you. your intrusive thoughts bother you from time to time, but they don’t hurt you as much as they used to, you don’t know if you have gotten stronger or your thoughts have gotten weaker, but you know that you’re better than you were just a few months ago.
your scholarship did not get extended, you expected that. your piece was good but some were just better, you didn’t beat yourself up like you thought you would, namjoon didn’t let you anyway.
speaking of namjoon, he’s all you have thought of now that your presentation is over, because he’s literally with you every day, putting aside his work to try and spend the last, few days with you, properly.
you’re currently sitting on the hood of his car, on top of a mountain that overlooks the city, he is stood in between your legs, feeding ice cream and listening intently to you as you keep rambling about how trust is so fickle.
“the thing is, if we’re wary of someone or a habit of theirs, it’s very easy to lose trust the second they mess up even the slightest, even if it isn’t fair to them, i just think that’s how people are.”
“you’re right, trust is very rare, you can’t say you trust someone easily, because trust is built on not time, not the relationship, but the people involved” he pauses to feed you and continues.
“i will always trust you though” you cheekily interrupt and he laughs.
“and i will always trust you.” he concludes and feeds you one last spoon while you smile gleefully at him. but then he sighs, stepping back from you and shaking his head lightly and you frown at his dejected stance.
“what is it, joon?”
“our time is almost up” he says with a sad smile and your heart tightens in your chest at his words, you know that your time is almost up, you’ve been trying to ignore that fact for so long now but you only have a day or so left with namjoon.
“before i leave” you scoot closer to him, breath stuttering at the close proximity you share with him as he eagerly waits for you to speak.
“i want you to take all of me” you have never felt as vulnerable as you do, whispering those words to namjoon under the moonlight that shines over you.
“you sure about that?” even with his eyes blown and throat closing around nothing, namjoon needs your permission to claim you.
“never been more sure about anything else in my life” you give him the permission he wants and who is he to say no to you?
-
waking up next to namjoon, in his room, wearing his t-shirt is something you wish you could do every single day but you’re out of time, you have been for a while.
“i don’t want you to leave” is the first thing namjoon says to you in the morning.
“i don’t want to leave you” is your answer, you’re no longer hesitant to say it. he gazes at you with such intensity because he really can’t believe he has to lose you just when he’s had all of you.
“how can i ever say goodbye to you?” he pulls you into him, burying his face into your neck and his sheets shift around you, it takes everything in you to not cling onto him for eternity.
“it’s okay, we had time” you mumble helplessly once you pull away from him.
“not a lot but we had time” you reassure him and this time, he’s the one who gets teary eyed. you feel your heart break at the way his face reddens as he keeps himself from crying.
“we’ll be okay” you whisper, wiping his tears as they escape his eyes, and hug him again, letting him cry into your shoulder, you feel your own sobs caught in your throat as namjoon cries on you.
“i’m sorry it had to be this way. i’m sorry i can’t stay.” you apologize with tears finally escaping your eyes and neither of you have the energy to wipe each other’s tears anymore, you only can cry and hope that time will be kind enough to stretch itself to keep you two together.
“i’m sorry i can’t come with you” comes his own apology.
“thank you for loving me, all of me” as he says that you break down in sobs because how will you ever find someone who loves you, truly loves you? you learned love with namjoon, you’re also learning goodbyes with him, but love was so easy, why were goodbyes so hard?
“thank you for being letting me be your muse.” you brush his cheeks with your fingers, trying to remember every feature of his before you have to let go. and he does the same, with sleepy but cautious eyes, he traces all of your features over and over again, like he’s forcing his body to keep you in his mind forever.
“is this really goodbye?” he asks one last time even if he knows the answer.
“i wish it wasn’t.”
-
it’s been six months since you left.
namjoon feels empty as he arranges the cups in his bakery, he sighs too often for it to be normal because every time he moves, his body reminds him of you, everything about you is etched onto every inch of him and he doesn’t think he will ever move on.
he still circles around the art studio from time to time, pathetically hoping to catch a glance of you working hard on your sculpture, looking up at him with a smile and then crashing into him to become one. he still visits han river just to recall every memory you’ve ever shared.
but he can’t bring himself to go to the lake, the lake where he kissed you like he’s always wanted to, he can’t go there knowing you will not be going with him.
he misses you. every nerve in him screams for you. his friends have been trying to get him to move on but namjoon doesn’t want to move on.
“welc-“ namjoon starts his formal greeting when he hears the door creak open, only for his mouth to hang open when he sees who is at the entrance, he races from behind the counter to rush to the entrance with wide eyes and confused but overjoyed grin.
“it’s actually you, oh my god” he whispers breathlessly as he reaches to touch your cheek and you smile tearfully at him. every night of hoping that you will be back in his arms feels worthwhile when you wrap yourself around him with a happy sigh. he caresses your hair, still not fully registering that you’re actually with him right now.
“so, what happened wa-“ you begin to explain why you’re back in the lively city of seoul and namjoon gently shushes you.
“doesn’t matter, you’re here, that’s all i care about” and with that, you melt yourself back into him, your fingers tracing patterns on his sweater, you missed him so much.
“we need to go to the lake again, i miss freezing with you” he jokes lightly but you know the desperation behind his words, he must have been waiting so long to take you.
“i am ready to freeze my bones with you again” you giggle and he pats your head with a fond smile.
“how long will you stay this time?” namjoon asks, and you notice fear in his voice, you lean back to give him your biggest smile yet. he has nothing to be scared of anymore and you don’t either.
❥pairing: playboy!jungkook X playgirl!oc // black!oc
❥genre: sex workers/p*rnstars AU, model AU, social media AU, friends to enemies to lovers AU, angst, smut
❥summary: Famous international Playboy model and p*rnstar, Jeon Jungkook, is paired with you for Playboy’s next Valentine’s Day collection. Hot lingerie sets, promoting the fake relationship, and of course, a sexy p*rno is to ensue. Only rule: don’t f^ck each other until the video shoot…
❀three-shot + drabbles❀
[mini-series]
♡chapters♡:
chapterone
dressing room scandal
-
drabble 1
i tell u ur a good girl (audio only) #-mutual mast
-
chapter two
what happens in Paris…
-
drabble2
some bdsm sh*t #-spanking #-bondage
-
chapterthree
violet roses
-
drabble 3
shower with me and my fav c^ck sl^t
-drop date for part one: soon!
[I was just too excited to share it with you!]
-taglist: comment + reblog if you want to be on it!
-misc: photos are not mine but are collaged & edited by me. still, do not steal writing, moodboard, or use my ideas unless I’m given inspo credits for inspiration & tagged! [major inspo for Jungkook edit from @/jink997 on Twitter and other playboy edits from Pinterest] [fic inspo from me & a video edit I made]— [see^^, it’s not that hard]
been wanting to put this into story form ever since I made the first crappy edits for it over a year ago, would like to finish it without anyone ruining it for me thanks <3
Just for reference, I write all of my main OCs as black female characters, and most of them are plus-sized, chubby or fat (whichever term you prefer). Also this is primarily a smut and fantasy writing blog. Please enjoy!
BTS
Min Yoongi (Suga)
Tuesday Mornings- coming soon!
Fruits Basket au
poly relationship, shape-shifters, Chinese Zodiac
Rating: Explicit
Preview:
All Kim Nari wanted was to shelter a stray cat from the cold. Instead she became responsible for a hot-headed, silver-haired wackjob who claimed he was the all powerful Lord of Tuesday. Whatever the hell that meant.
nightclub au, casual hookups, a supreme amount of angst
Rating: Mature
Preview:
I like to observe people. I watch their actions as they interact in the club; the way they move, drink and speak. I’ve seen plenty of girls get picked up right here at the bar counter, only to see them come back the next night looking for someone new. Romance is dead. And for him, the guy drowning himself in vodka night after night, it is no different.
poly relationship, angst, depressed character- written with the utmost care
morally ambiguous OC - yes, that is important
Rating: Explicit
Preview:
Hongjoong just had to break the curse, reckless as it was. He couldn’t bare the suffering any longer. The feeling of their hearts wasting away, magic slowly fading. For a witch, it was a fate worse than death.
He would do anything to make his boys happy. Even if it meant giving up his own life.
author’s note: any and all creations made by user: btsydtrash (also known as haveagreatday on ao3) are works of absolute fiction. nothing mentioned should be related to the boys in real life. respect the privacy of the members and enjoy fiction as fiction. thank you, cuties!
any questions about story lore or headcanons, just shoot me a dm and we can talk about it, if it doesn’t give spoilers for later content. also, any stories marked [complete] will not be edited or added to.
I do not have any tag lists for any of my stories.
