Posting two early chapters of a WIP I’ve been stalled on for a long time. Works decently as a stand alone.
During the extended mission to protect the Duchess of Mandalore, Qui-Gon, Obi-Wan, and Satine deal with the aftermath of a violent encounter with a bounty hunter. (~3500 words)
(violence warning, Obi-Wan lightsabers a dude’s arm, because of course he does)
I.
“Satine, close your eyes.”
The bounty hunter tightened his grip on the girl’s neck, keeping the muzzle of his blaster on her temple.
“Obi-Wan…” she gasped.
“I told you, drop your blade, boy, if you want the Duchess to make it through this without a smoking hole in her pretty head.”
“You’re not going to harm the Duchess,” Obi-Wan said evenly. “The last thing her opposition wants is a young, innocent martyr for the New Mandalorians to rally around.”
“You think I give a damn about Mandalorian politics?”
“Perhaps not, but I’m certain you give a damn about getting paid. The bounty notices were very clear that payment would only be delivered if she was apprehended alive.”
“All right.” He shifted the blaster to aim at Obi-Wan. “So I was bluffing about blasting her. But even a spoiled royal like this pretty little girl can live through an awfullot.”
“Satine, close your eyes now.”
She did and heard the chirp of an energy blast, the hum of the lightsaber, and a scream as the hand left her neck. She smelled ozone and charred flesh.
She opened her eyes as she felt a gentle hand brush hers. She watched Obi-Wan lean towards where the bounty hunter had collapsed against the wall, take a knife from his jacket from and toss it out of reach.
“I’ve summoned emergency medical assistance. You’d better wait here for them.”
“Youbastard.”The bounty hunter lunged forward unsteadily, butObi-Wan merely touched the man’s forehead lightly and he slumped back, unconscious. The young Jedi tucked a comlink into the man’s remaining hand and looked up at Satine as her eyes darted around the scene.
“Satine,please, don’t.”
She caught sight of the blaster, in pieces, the arm, and the cauterized stump near the bounty hunter’s shoulder. Her stomach turned violently and she pulled away from Obi-Wan, dashing a few steps towards the opening of the dead end alleyway, away from the grisly scene.
Out on the street she breathed again, leaning against the cold stone of the building and trying to will herself not to retch. She turned to watch Obi-Wan follow her out of the alley with his self-possessed stride that used to strike her as a bit of a swagger. He clipped his lightsaber onto his belt, and she turned away again at the sight of it.
“Satine.”
She’d almost been expecting reproach, but his voice was all gentleness and concern.
“I’m so sorry, Satine. I wish you didn’t have to see that.”
“Sorry? You saved our lives and spared his. You needn’t … “
He lifted a hand, but stopped short of touching her neck. “Did he hurt you?”
“No. I’m fine.” She tried not to flinch away, but she could see in his eyes he’d noticed her response, and he took a step back.
“Qui-Gon will be here in a moment,” he said quietly.
Just so, the Jedi came running down the darkened street with his long, loping strides.
“Authorities are coming,” he told Obi-Wan.
‘I’ll stay. Make sure they find him.”
“You’ll know where to find us. Try not to get arrested.” He quirked a smile at his apprentice.
“Yes, Master.” In no mood to joke back, he turned back to the alleyway with his handiwork.
“Are you all right, Satine?” Qui-Gon asked, taking her by her shoulders and looking her over.
“I’m not hurt.”
“But are you all right?” he repeated gently.
She shook her head, eyes filling up.
“Come on.” He put his arm around her shoulders and led her quickly through the streets.
The turns were a blur to her, but it hardly mattered, as the last thing she wanted was to find her way back to that alleyway, ever. They stopped at a nondescript doorway, and Qui-Gon opened the door for her, ushering her inside to equally nondescript surroundings. As safe houses went, at least it was clean.
Qui-Gon settled on the floor and then looked up at her expectantly.
“I think I’m too upset to meditate,” she told him, her arms wrapped tightly around herself.
“Which is just why you need to, dear heart,” he said gently, holding out a hand.
She took it, and he pulled her down next to him.
“Tell me what happened,” he urged.
“That isn’t meditating,” she countered.
“Call it a prerequisite.”
“We were coming to meet you. Obi-Wan told me to wait, but I went ahead. I was angry at him… I …” She paused and shook her head. “It was foolish. It was my fault.”
“Foolish, maybe. Your fault, no.” He stroked her hair.
She steeled herself to continue, hands tightening to fists. “The man, the bounty hunter, I suppose, was waiting in one of the alleys. He grabbed me, so quickly I hardly knew what happened. He started to drag me away, and Obi-Wan followed.”
“I think I know what happened from here,” Qui-Gon interjected.
She nodded, biting her lip hard.
“Close your eyes,” he instructed. “And breathe, Satine.”
***
Qui-Gon watched as Satine struggled valiantly to calm herself enough to meditate. Her breaths came shallowly at first, but then deep and even. The line of anxiety between her brows smoothed. In a few short minutes, she started to droop, head bobbing forward.
“Come along, dear heart,” Qui-Gon urged softly, helping her to the low couch nearby and covering her with his own robe when she stretched out to sleep.
She opened her pale blue eyes for a moment and reached out her hand, much more the wounded girl in that moment than the iron-willed Duchess. She was both, of course, but sometimes more one than the other.
Kneeling, he put his hand out to take hers, enclosing it in his grasp.
“I love you,” she told him, quietly. “Is that all right?”
His felt an almost physical pang of sorrow that she had to ask. “Of course,” he soothed.
“Jedi aren’t supposed to have families,” she said.
He raised his eyebrows. “Are you teaching me about the Code, Satine?”
“No,” she protested. “Trying to understand.” She leaned her head towards him, putting her forehead against the back of his hand. “I love you like family. More than I loved my own father, maybe.”
He shook his head. “It doesn’t have to be more or less.”
“At least, I admire you more. He could’ve stopped the war and wouldn’t. He believed in debts of honor and vengeance more than justice or compassion. Sometimes I thought I hated him. But he loved me.”
“People don’t have to be perfect for us to love them.”
“What if there’s a Code that says they can’t love you back?”
He sat in silence for a moment, considering the layers of the question. Satine was orphaned, adrift, cut off from her remaining family and her homeworld. Right now, at the center of her universe were the two Jedi who protected her. Bursting with unspent affection, Satine poured it out to them. To Qui-Gon, as surrogate father. And to Obi-Wan, not as brother.
The only answer to give was to the part of it he had any say over.
“I’m not a perfect Jedi,” he confessed. “And you are very dear to me, Satine.”
He stroked her hair, and she smiled a little.
“Rest now. You’re safe, dear heart.”
She closed her eyes, soothed by his particular endearment for her.
He waited a little while, until he was certain she was asleep, then stood to go attend to the other child in his care.
“Child” was perhaps strictly inaccurate. Obi-Wan was a man in years, with wisdom and maturity beyond them. But it was impossible for Qui-Gon not to see the child of such a short time ago in his apprentice’s youthful face, especially in times of distress and vulnerability.
He was outside the door, sitting on the cobblestones, slumped against the wall.
“Is she asleep?” he asked.
Qui-Gon nodded and held out a hand.
“She’s afraid of me,” he said bitterly, taking it.
“No she isn’t.”
“You didn’t see her flinch away from me.”
Qui-Gon pulled him up and put a hand on Obi-Wan’s shoulder to guide him indoors. Obi-Wan paused on his weary path to the fresher to take in the sight of Satine’s slender form in quiet repose on the couch. His shoulders sagged a bit more, but this time in relief.
Qui-Gon explored the kitchen, listening to the distant sound of running water. He had a pot of tea brewing by the time Obi-Wan emerged, a towel wrapped around his waist and his padawan braid hanging sodden over his bare chest.
It was not very good tea, but one was grateful for even small blessings.
Obi-Wan sat on the stool at the counter, hand curled around the chipped teacup, the cold artificial light catching in the droplets of water in his short hair and on the back of his shoulders.
“Hewantedtohurt her,” he said, with difficulty.
They’d been encountering professionals like the one Obi-Wan had disarmed today with some regularity since Satine had been placed in their care. Largely, they were the cold, ruthless sort, with years of practice with looking at a living being and seeing a sum of credits. A few spared a moment to consider, pretty girl, or,young, and conclude, whata shame.
The one today had been in another class entirely, it seemed, and a less than rare specimen, in Qui-Gon’s unfortunate experience. But Obi-Wan, who’d seen battle and desperation, was yet still innocent enough to be hurt deeply by an encounter with deliberate cruelty. Especially that which was directed at the innocent, the gentle … the beloved.
“He didn’t,” Qui-Gon pointed out.
“I did that instead,” he replied dully.
“Satine is made of sterner stuff than you seem to give her credit for,” Qui-Gon replied, pouring himself a cup of tea.
Obi-Wan raised his head indignantly. “I knowshe is. But that doesn’t mean she isn’t hurtby…by…”
… by seeing her gentle friend deal out violence with detached, calm efficiency.
“She’ll be all right,” Qui-Gon reassured him. “And she’ll forgive you,” he added.
II.
At first, the Jedi had been very careful about not offending her delicate sensibilities with regards to personal modesty.
With time, this gradually eroded, as she had been understanding about the necessities that occasioned, for instance, waking up to the sight of a shirtless Qui-Gon scrubbing tunics in a mountain stream, whistling a jaunty tune, while an equally bare-chested Obi-Wan cooked breakfast over a campfire.
Their current accommodations provided much more in the way of creature comforts than many had previously, including a wash unit for their scant luggage of traveling clothes. Washing everything, however, left the problem of what to wear until everything was clean.
Satine had been graciously left the singular bathrobe, which was comically oversized for her willowy frame. She couldn’t help musing on what the Satine of a year ago would’ve thought about finding herself perched on a kitchen counter in a bathrobe while she watched a well-built and beautiful young man, dressed in nothing but a towel around his waist, flip pancakes.
She’d have been thoroughly scandalized and thoroughly pleased, much as her current self was, she decided.
One hand on the frying pan and the other occupied with the spatula, the towel slipped a critical inch or so down his narrow hips. Satine closed her eyes, sipped her tea, and pretended not to notice.
“Laundry’s done,” Qui-Gon, fully and neatly dressed, announced from the doorway, not a moment too soon.
“Don’t burn anything,” Obi-Wan instructed sternly, handing off the spatula, other hand clutching the traitorous towel.
Qui-Gon did, but only slightly. He nobly took the singed pancakes from the top of the stack and handed Satine a small bottle full of amber-colored syrup.
“Local delicacy,” he told her, “made of tree sap.”
“That sounds thoroughly unappetizing,” she countered, opting instead for the fat jar of unidentified berry preserves.
A hot breakfast, clean clothes, and clean hair were things Satine never intended to take for granted again, and she was feeling vastly content as she finished putting the clean dishes back into the kitchen cabinets.
“All packed up?” Qui-Gon asked.
“We’re leaving already?” she asked, dismayed.
“Afraid so. How many assassin droids did you dispatch this morning while I was in the shower, Obi-Wan?”
“Three,” was the terse reply.
“In a towel?” Satine asked.
“The droids didn’t mind,” Obi-Wan retorted.
“The neighbors might’ve,” Qui-Gon pointed out.
Obi-Wan turned red.
“I’m afraid we’re going to have to split up again before we move on,” Qui-Gon told them.
“Can I come with you?” Satine asked, maybe too quickly. Obi-Wan looked intently at the curtains.
Qui-Gon shook his head. “You’ll be safe with Obi-Wan. The spaceport will be a hub of trouble, and I’ll not bring you through it until I’ve secured a reliable transport.”
“I could manage that,” Obi-Wan offered.
“You still haggle like a youngling buying cloud candy at his first street bazaar, and we’re short on credits.”
“At least I can make pancakes without scorching them,” Obi-Wan grumbled.
“Well, we all have our skills.”
They finished packing in short order, shouldered their knapsacks, and headed out into the alleyway. Satine cast a regretful look back at the safehouse, wondering when next she’d eat with proper flatware or have access to a wash unit and a clean fresher.
They parted ways in the alley. Satine followed a few steps behind Obi-Wan, but paused when she remembered something.
“Wait.”
Obi-Wan stopped, glancing back at her. She rummaged through her sack and pulled out a slightly squashy bundle wrapped in plastic.
“Here,” she said, taking a few quick steps to meet Qui-Gon and handing it to him. It was four leftover pancakes made into two jam sandwiches.
He laughed and reached out one big hand to pet her hair and draw her close enough for him to kiss the top of her head. “Thank you, dear heart.” His expression turned serious after a moment, though. “Be careful and mind Obi-Wan.”
“I will,” she promised, resolving to actually do it this time.
Obi-Wan lead her through the narrow streets, hand hovering near her elbow, but not quite touching her.
“Where are we going?” she inquired.
“Just keeping busy until Qui-Gon calls,” he replied evasively.
“That wasn’t an answer.”
“Someplace nice,” he promised, almost smiling.
They walked out of the residential district, past shops and offices, and Obi-Wan stopped abruptly next to a walled park.
“All right. Close your eyes,” he instructed.
“Why?”
“Because it’s a surprise, naturally.”
She gave him a skeptical look. After being handed a small and very slimy amphibian by Qui-Gon once under similar circumstances, she was understandably wary.
“It’s not alive, is it?” She didn’t really suspect so, but one couldn’t be too careful.
“Yes. But decidedly vegetable, not animal.” The smile was a bit wider this time.
She complied and held out her hand.
Obi-Wan took it in his and pulled her along. She heard the creak and clank of a metal gate and took a deep breath of air heavy with the scent of flowers by the time Obi-Wan let go of her hand.
“You can look now.”
Flowering shrubs lined the perimeter of the garden, and the grass was sprinkled with petals. There were fountains with floating white flowers, shade trees, and beds and beds of colorful blooms.
“It’s wonderful,” she exclaimed, spinning about, unsure what to examine first. “How did you find this place?”
Obi-Wan’s expression went from delight at her response to melancholy in a heartbeat.
“Stumbled on it, literally, last night, trying to elude the constabulary.”
The reminder of last night dampened her spirits too. She spotted a stone bench near one of the fountains and sat down in the sunshine.
“Are you angry with me?” he asked quietly, standing next to her.
“Ofcourse not,” she denied sharply. She shifted across the bench, pointedly making space for him to sit beside her. She heaved a sigh, preparing to have the inevitable unpleasant conversation. “I don’t suppose you could’ve just stopped at disabling the blaster.”
He shook his head. “He was thinking about the knife. And what he was going to do with it.” He kept his eyes down, standing rigid and looking like he might be sick.
Satine reached out for his hand and tugged him down next to her.
“And I don’t suppose you could carry something with a stun setting.”
He hesitated. “There’s body armor on the black market that can absorb stunners. And stun blasts are very inaccurate. I would’ve had a better chance of knocking you out than him. And besides, a blaster has no defensive mechanism. I couldn’t deflect anything.”
“What about when you and Qui-Gon spar, and you turn down the power?”
“Low power for sparring just sort of stings. Not very effective.”
“And there’s no setting between ‘stings’ and ‘dismemberment’ on that thing?” she inquired, gesturing towards his lightsaber.
“If I’d had it on less than full power, it wouldn’t have cut through the blaster. And if I just burnt him, he’d probably have still gone for the knife.”
“All right, all right. You know what you’re doing. I know that.” She let out a short sigh.
“I don’t mind you questioning me,” he told her.
“I know, you’ve been patient.”
“I really don’t,” he protested, leaning forward with his palms on his knees. “I know I’m… more emotional than I should be, where you’re concerned,” he admitted. “When you’re in danger,” he clarified.
“You didn’t seem emotional yesterday,” she told him.
“You didn’t see me afterwards,” he countered.
“How were you afterwards?” she asked, afraid of the answer. She’d never seen him angry. Annoyed, frustrated, and exasperated, frequently, but never reallyangry.
“Heartsick,” he told her, sounding it still.
“I’ve seen worse,” she reminded him.
“I know.”
“He will live, won’t he?”
He nodded. “He doesn’t deserve your concern.”
“That’s not a very Jedi-like thing to say, is it?”
“Not very,” he agreed.
“Sometimes when things are … calm, for a while, I just forget. With both of you, I forget. You’re gentle and peaceful, we talk and laugh. You and Qui-Gon spar, and it’s a game. I forget you’re warriors.” She took a deep breath. “And then something happens and it all comes crashing back, and I feel…”
“Afraid,” he concluded.
“I don’t mean to be!”
“I wasn’t blaming you.”
She leaned towards him, resting her head on his shoulder.
“I wish you could trust me.”
“In my heart, I do,” she promised. “It’s just that my mind plays tricks sometimes. I remember things.”
He curled an arm protectively around her shoulders.
She glanced up at him quickly, taking in the line of worry between his brows, the set of his jaw and his stubborn cleft chin, the faint freckles and dark birthmarks on his fair skin, the way the sunlight glinted through his short hair. He looked at her, and she dropped her gaze quickly.
“I want to show you something,” he told her, standing up and holding out a hand.
She let him lead her through the garden, to a raised bed of tall white lilies on graceful stalks. She cupped her hand around one of the big blooms and leaned close to smell it.
“They reminded me of your…” He gestured inarticulately towards her head, and she smiled.
“Much like the ones at home,” she agreed. “Bigger.”
He smiled. “No, I don’t think you could fit quite as many of these in your hair.”
The scent was almost the same though. She closed her eyes and felt the smooth petal brush against her face as she drank in the smell.
There had been a time when she smelled of lilies, instead of sweat and dust and, at best, cheap soap.
…of crushed lilies, when helmeted warriors seized her by the hair and dragged her from the throne.
… of wilted lilies, when she tried to bandage of the wounds of her injured guards with strips torn from her ceremonial gown.
… of dried lilies, when she closed their eyes with her bloodstained fingers.
“Satine, I’m sorry. I just thought you’d like them.” Obi-Wan’s dismayed voice broke through the painful memory. Eyes still closed, she felt him touch her face gently, brushing away a tear.
“I do. I’m sorry.” She put her hand over her eyes, willing herself to stop crying.
He pulled her down onto the grass, and she gave in, curling against his chest and letting her tears soak into the coarse fabric of his tunic. She felt his lips against her forehead, murmuring soft reassurances, his arms around her tightly.
When she lifted her head and opened her eyes, the bright sunlight catching on her wet eyelashes in a prismatic glow, the lilies were nodding around them, their sweet scent on the wind.
Let me remember this instead, when I smell lilies, she wished.
Royal guard Protector walking in on this scene and being like…
“Your Grace,” pausing for a long suffering sigh, “we heard a thud.”
Satine, sprawled on the floor, having absolutely not just rolled off of General Kenobi, flushed and disheveled, but coolly replying. “Yes, perhaps you’d better run a diagnostic on the inertial dampeners in this part of the Coronet.”
My traditional Obi-Wan and Satine making out (as the mistletoe dictates) picture for this year. (graphite, colored pencil, silver and rose gold gel pen)
Here are some of my thoughts/musings on why some people (like myself) might be feeling that the ending of TROS leaves us with an imbalance:
So a big thing about the force, a big theme about how the force has worked in this universe in this saga, is LOVE.
Anakin was this over-midichlorianed chosen one who could have brought balance to the force in response to Darth Sidious’ huge overpowered evil. BUT in order for there to be balance, he needed to be able to adjust to always falling somewhere on a scale from powerful dark to powerful light since him being an overpowered purely light force user getting rid of the overpowered evil would then leave the force unbalanced in a way that would just bring forth a new form of powerful evil to balance out the overly pure good/light left behind after Sidious’ destruction.
SO, Anakin WAS the chosen one who could have brought balance to the force BUT the timeline he came to power in had that rule against Jedi falling in love. This is ultimately what corrupted his power since it allowed for Sidious to be able to manipulate him into thinking that going toward the dark ways of the force (which his purpose of bringing balance gave him full ability to do) was the only way to save his loved one in such a structured and strict force world. So LOVE, a power that makes sense as part of what can bring balance to the force - love being a healing power toward true light but also something that can be manipulated toward true darkness - is what led to Anakin’s downfall because of the latter, and because of the Jedi rule that set Anakin up to fail like that.
So what does the force do? It tries a new tactic to bring about balance: With pretty much every light side force user wiped out and two overpowered dark force users left behind, and at the same time that Anakin gets sealed into his dark fate, the Force burps out two powerful, mostly light-leaning force-sensitive beings, Luke and Leia (who also have the potential for darkness, but not as much as Anakin), and they are born of Anakin thus still going with the prophecy. They do bring balance to the force, even if it’s mostly just through Luke being able to return their father to the light and for long enough to kill, or at least weaken for a good deal of time, the overpowered dark force user that Anakin was originally meant to be the one to kill anyway.
Okay so if we’re going with Sidious being mostly defeated but not completely, then sure, it can make sense that there was, for a moment, balance brought to the force after ROTJ - with Vader no longer there on the darkness side of the scale, but with Sidious still out there on that side in a weaker form, while Luke and Leia were on the light side of the scale and maybe in line to then be the ones to take down Sidious once and for all and TOGETHER when Sidious would eventually make his return (especially since by the end of ROTJ both Luke and Leia seem like they’ve matured to the point of being able to be balanced in the force themselves, and therefore wouldn’t potentially tip the scales too far to the light, leaving that unwanted vacuum). BUT then LOVE steps in again - the love between Leia and Han which then brings about Ben, which leads to Leia choosing to stop her training (and here again this happens in time for a child soon to be born). When she stops her training, it means she is no longer going to be part of what balances out the force with Luke when Sidious comes back to power. SO the force needs to prepare for yet another variation of balance, and again, still starts with the Skywalker bloodline - with Ben.
Ben is basically set up to be another Anakin with potential for both powerful light and powerful dark - again, so that when Sidious is defeated, there isn’t this vacuum of darkness that needs to be filled. HOWEVER, this time, the force is like, “alright so you Skywalkers are really into love, that’s cool, I don’t punish it like the old Jedi used to, that was never my intention. I can totally adjust for that, and to prove it to you, I’ll make the adjustment for Leia falling in love AND this time I’ll have love be an integral part of the power I bring about to create a more lasting balance.”
And this is how we get both Ben and Rey as powerful Jedi, both with matching/mirroring potential for both great darkness and great light, bonded in the force. They’re meant to be able to defeat Sidious TOGETHER and then both survive TOGETHER in a way that FINALLY brings balance to the force - in their relationship with each other they are able to balance each other out and, in doing so, balance out the force. Once Sidious is finally truly gone, they can then live their lives in relative peace, always landing somewhere in the middle of their potentials for powerful light and powerful dark, but always balancing each other out - them having each other would be a huge part of what keeps them balanced and the force balanced.
Breaking that bond, by having one die while the other survives, seems like it would throw off the balance yet again when that’s not what we should get at the end of the story. Now it feels like the story still isn’t over - there isn’t a lasting healing that we get to close out on. Them surviving TOGETHER could have left the audience with the feeling that, with the two of them as a team and the two of them with love as part of their power and not a weakness for them, it’d be safe to think that yes, they really are capable of keeping the balance with each other and in the force - we can now leave this story/this saga feeling that balance. We’d also be left with a lasting feeling that the force is adept at correcting its own imbalances, adding to the sense of peace in concluding the story.
*** Disclaimer: I agree with the notion that the Ben/Kylo presented to us in these movies isn’t exactly livably redeemable. I do feel like the deeper information about him and his past that can be found in the comics, books, etc that have been released in the past few years *does* help to put him more in that redeemable place, but that stuff isn’t clearly spelled out in the movies so it’s kind of a moot point. All that being said though, I still feel like in order for there to be a balanced feeling at the end (which we definitely should have gotten for the end of the *entire main saga*), Ben should have survived, and maybe the reveal of Rey being a Palpatine could have been even more reason for the two of them to stick together with their checkered pasts/lineages/potential for great darkness/etc since no one would ever be able to fully accept/understand either of them except for the two of them - they would need each other as balancing forces.
(I’m not sure where the top two gifs are stolen from (the first one seemed to link to a now defunct Tumblr). The Rey and Ben one is from hot-chocolate-escapades but cropped to match the size of the others. As always, thanks for the gifs, gifmakers!)
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings:No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships:Obi-Wan Kenobi/Satine Kryze, Padmé Amidala/Anakin Skywalker, R2-D2/Ahsoka Tano Characters:Obi-Wan Kenobi, Satine Kryze, Anakin Skywalker, Padmé Amidala, Ahsoka Tano, R2-D2 (Star Wars), Korkie Kryze, Bo-Katan Kryze, C-3PO (Star Wars) Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - Dance, Anthropomorphized Droids, Star Wars Ballet, Established Relationship, Past Relationship(s), Secret Children, Korkie Kryze is a Kenobi, Past physical trauma, Angst and Romance, @obitine-week Series:Part 2 of Jedi Dance Academy Summary:While deciding on his future in dance, Anakin and his collaborators visit the Mandalore Company and learn more about the on-again-off-again romance between his mentor and the formidable Satine Kryze.
A Jedi Dance Academy AU.
Chapter 4: Anakin and Obi-Wan deal with the emotional fallout of Satine’s revelations.
When you realize Obi-Wan’s “I still do (care for Satine),” despite her being dead reflects her final words, “I always will,” even though she knows shes going to die.
They both live on in each other. Forever. And they both seem to know this. I-
SUMMARY: We’re back to present day Obi-Wan and Satine. Time to connect all the dots. This is the conversation they’ve been avoiding for years…and I’m certain this chapter was a deleted scene from the Clone Wars LOL!
This is the chapter some of you have been waiting years to read. Thank you for sticking with me and for not giving up on reading this beast of a fic. I am grateful for every single one of you.
And as a thank you (and as a treat for myself) I commissioned some book covers for this fic. My dear friend @journen is an extremely talented artist. She took my concepts and turned them into beautiful masterpieces. Please give her a follow (she also sells amazing Obi-Wan prints on Etsy).
I hope you love the artwork. This is the first of 2 covers. I will post the second cover with the final chapter.
Please don’t repost this art anywhere without asking me first. Reblogs are totally fine, however Thank you, friends!
——————–
CHAPTER 27
Coruscant
The city had calmed now that the hour was late but lanes filled with vehicles still whizzed past in the distance. Obi-Wan and Satine leaned against her balcony, watching the twinkling lights while they silently sipped tea. Deep familiarity and nervous uncertainty fluttered between them, both aware this evening could end painfully.
“It’s never dark here,” Satine said wistfully, breaking their silence. “Do you never tire of it?”
Obi-Wan leaned forward onto his elbows. “I suppose I’m used to the lights.”
“And you never want to escape?” she teased.
The corner of his mouth pulled up into a half smile. “Actually, I do,” he confessed.
She turned to him, surprised by his honest answer. “Really?”
“Sometimes I wish I could just disappear, go somewhere where no one knows who I am, get away from everything.”
“I understand how you feel.”
He saw sadness flash through her eyes. “There are no days off when you’re a duchess.”
“Nor any for a Jedi. No,” she sighed, “our duty demands constant vigilance. Do you ever wonder what your life would have been like if you were just a regular person?”
Obi-Wan knew being the Duchess of Mandalore was Satine’s deepest passion. He wondered what she was trying to get him to say. “I have never wished to be anything other than what I am.”
She frowned. “That’s not what I meant. Haven’t you ever daydreamed about other possibilities?”
His heart sank, fearing that she was pushing the conversation into remnants of the past. “I gave up daydreaming a long time ago.”
Satine’s face suddenly changed, her entire body going rigid as old emotional wounds split open.
He had hurt her without even trying.
“Very well,” she said, her tone hardening. “No more games.” She had grown tired of her own artifice, tired of dancing around their shared history.
Obi-Wan clenched his jaw and turned to her, steeling himself for the debate that was beginning.
“Didn’t our time together mean anything to you?” she launched in.
He felt like he’d been kicked in the gut. “Of course it did. Meeting you changed me forever.”
“But it wasn’t enough.”
“Wasn’t enough for what?”
“For you to treat me with respect,” her tone was getting heated.
“I have been nothing but courteous with you,” he replied, fighting to remain calm.
“Courteous while keeping me well and truly at arms-length, like you’re beating back a dog who is begging for your scraps.”
Obi-Wan was stunned into silence.
But he had to admit she was right, he had been pushing her away from the very moment they were reunited. That she had sensed it was no surprise; she was an intelligent, intuitive woman. And, what’s more, he hadn’t been subtle about holding her off. He was afraid of what she might do to him, afraid that letting her in would only reopen the heartache from his youth.
“Do you never think of us?” she asked.
“I try not to,” he said, forcing himself to be honest. He was attempting to tell her the truth without getting pulled deeper into the mess that existed between them. “Leaving you destroyed me, but I thought it was what you wanted. After that, I couldn’t bear to think of Draboon or Mandalore or you. The very thought of it was agony. And then… Qui-Gon was killed. I’m sorry, but no, I couldn’t bear those memories, I shut them away where I would never have to face the pain. Everything changed after I left Mandalore. Anakin was all I had; I poured everything into him. And now he despises me.”
Satine was overwhelmed by all his confessions. She could hardly process everything, so she clung to the one thing she felt certain of. “Anakin does not despise you.”
“He’s resented me for years,” Kenobi said bitterly. “He thinks I don’t know, but he’s not very good at hiding his emotions.”
“He resents authority, not you. He loves you.”
“Qui-Gon would have done better.”
“You’ve given Anakin stability, something his nature lacks.”
“He needs more than I can give him.”
She threw up her hands. “What is wrong with all you Jedi? You and Qui-Gon are exactly the same. Don’t you know how much Anakin loves you? How much Qui-Gon loved you?”
For some reason, Satine telling him what he did and did not know about his master was the final straw that pushed him into anger. “My master abandoned me, Satine.”
She shook her head, confused. “What do you mean? He didn’t abandon you.”
“He did. Not long after we left Mandalore.”
“I don’t understand.” Satine was clearly disturbed.
“He found a little boy in the middle of nowhere, an amazing boy who was strong with the Force. A boy he believed to be the chosen one.”
Her eyes widened. “Anakin.”
“Within days of meeting him, my master cast me off and took Anakin as his apprentice instead. But before the arrangement could be made official, Qui-Gon was killed. He died in my arms, begging me to train the boy.” Obi-Wan’s eyes had become hard and glassy, deep pain clear on his face.
Satine’s heart ached. How could the Jedi Master she knew do such a thing to the Padawan he had cared for so much? “Why?” she whispered.
“It was the will of the Force,” Obi-Wan replied flatly. “I’m sorry to sully your memories of him, but it’s the truth.”
“He must have believed you were ready to take the trials.”
“If he did, he found the most heartless way possible to push me into them.”
“Knowing what I do of Qui-Gon, I can’t believe it was done with malicious intent.”
“I don’t think Qui-Gon was trying to be malicious. I think he was careless.”
Satine bit her lip. “He never told you how he felt about you, did he?”
“He told me he was proud of me. Does that count?”
She came closer to him, wanting desperately to reassure him. “Obi, after…the…bounty hunters…” she was nervous to breach the subject that had once been so painful for him, “Qui-Gon was beside himself with worry. I don’t know how lucid you were for some of it, but he was terrified to lose you. He knew he wasn’t allowed to confess it, but I know for certain that your master loved you dearly.”
“He was not one to be bogged down by attachment. He clearly had no qualms about ‘losing’ me to Anakin.”
“Don’t be so obstinate,” she said, annoyed. “I’m sure he never told you this, but the night before you left Mandalore, he begged me to go to you and make peace. All he ever wanted was for you to be happy, to find the path that was meant for you…”
“He did what?” Obi-Wan stopped her, totally shocked.
“He told me I should go to your room,” she said slowly and quietly, suddenly nervous about her confession.
“He told you to make peace with me?” He was confused, surprised that his master would have spoken to Satine on his behalf.
“Yes, he did.”
“But you didn’t?” he asked, fighting to keep his tone even.
“No, I didn’t,” she whispered. “To my everlasting shame.”
Obi-Wan was beginning to feel shaky, his blood turning to ice as the hair stood up on the back of his neck. There was too much coming at him, too much to process. How had this conversation, that was supposed to be about his relationship with Satine, turned into revelations about Anakin and Qui-Gon?
“May I ask you something?” she interrupted his thoughts.
“Of course,” he replied, forcing himself to focus on the her.
“That night, the night of my coronation, you have never second-guessed your decision, have you?”
“No.”
“You have no regrets?”
“Only in that killing Gorfod made you hate me. But I would rather have you alive and hating me than dead.”
“I never hated you, Obi-Wan. I was shocked, deeply disturbed by his betrayal.”
“You despised me, Satine.”
“I was upset, yes. I needed time to come to terms with Gorfod’s treachery. But I could never hate you.”
“Well, it was unfortunate that the Jedi Council had other plans. There was no time for you to come to terms with anything before I was called back to Coruscant.”
“Indeed.”
He noticed how her lips pressed into a thin flat line. “You seem angry,” he said.
“I’m surprised you went away so quickly. I thought you might have wanted to stay. Unless I was simply a young fool who mistook a dalliance for true love. But I had thought there was something deeply meaningful between us.”
“I wanted to stay. In fact, I had hoped you would ask me to stay. But after the coronation ceremony, you clearly wanted me out of your sight.”
“Why didn’t you tell me how you felt?”
He was suddenly angry. Why was this his fault? After all, she had been the one to end things. “Why didn’t you ask me to stay?”
“Because I was angry. I didn’t know what to say. Can’t you see how difficult it was? Gorfod and his son…they were like my family. I had to watch the man I loved kill my family.”
“You were so angry with me, Satine, that you wouldn’t even look at me much less speak to me. Was I supposed to take that as an invitation to stay with you?”
“No, Obi-Wan. But, after everything we’d experienced, after you were tortured and nearly died, I was filled with fear. Seeing you kill someone…” She could not bring herself to finish her sentence.
“Made me no better than the men I killed. Yes, I remember your words.”
“I’m a pacifist. I would rather die than watch any violence perpetrated on another because of me.”
He stared at her for a long time before saying, “Do you think I killed those men for selfish reasons?”
“I don’t know what to think. I’ve always hoped you didn’t do it for us.”
He sighed defeatedly. “How could you think that of me, that I would kill someone because I loved you? That’s not the kind of man I am, Satine.”
“Of course, I know that, Obi.”
“I saw the bigger picture. I acted on behalf of the greater good. They had wired the building with explosives from end to end. They planned to kill everyone. How many innocent members of your court should have died with you that day? I was acting on behalf of all Mandalorians, who had just endured a brutal civil war. To have their Duchess murdered on the day she was crowned, and to have all members of government killed in one felled swoop would have brought ruination to your system. If only you and I had been at risk that day, perhaps I would have acted differently. I like to think that I’d have honored your pacifism, but I’m only human. Perhaps then I would have acted selfishly.”
Satine took a deep breath, steadying herself against the memories that emerged. “I’m haunted by what you said to me on Valon, by how you predicted everything so perfectly. You said they wouldn’t just kill me, you said they would destroy me, make an example of me.”
Obi-Wan’s chest tightened. “I didn’t want to be right.”
“I know,” she said, fighting back tears. “Why didn’t I listen? Hadn’t you already proven yourself to me?”
He went cold again, overwhelmed by her acknowledgement. Obi-Wan Kenobi had gone nearly his entire life with hardly ever a word of validation from those around him. His skill, his compassion, his power was constantly taken for granted. Now he knew, deep down, that Satine truly saw him.
“You had proven yourself time and again, but I was stubborn and wouldn’t listen to your wisdom. If only I had listened to you, trusted you.”
He turned away, suddenly emotional.
“I know that you did the right thing, Obi-Wan, whether your intentions were selfish or not, I know you were duty bound to protect me and my people. You went above and beyond the call. I know what kind of man you are.”
Tears stung his eyes but he brushed them away. “I know you do. That’s what makes this so hard.” He forced himself to look at her. “You are the only person who has ever known me as I am, not just as a Jedi. But what am I now? I’ve given up everything for the Jedi. After Qui-Gon died I got pulled into a life I could never have foreseen. I don’t even know who I am anymore. Me, the real me.”
“The real you is a Jedi Master.”
“Do you remember all those years ago, when you told me that giving up my sense of self was squandering a gift?”
She closed the distance between them, her voice filled with compassion. “Obi-Wan, I was young and naïve. I didn’t yet understand what sacrifices were required to serve a greater good. Even at a young age, you understood the nobility in serving something larger than yourself.”
“But it’s like I don’t even exist anymore.” He was fighting back tears.
She cupped his cheek in her hand. “That’s not true. You are honorable and valiant. That is you, Obi-Wan.” He shook his head but she would not accept his resistance. “You were born this way; it is not learned. The Jedi did not make you honorable and valiant. You are an honorable and valiant man and that is what makes you an exceptional Jedi.”
He was shaking with emotion, but his eyes showed that her words had reached his heart. He was in so much pain. His past had caught up with him and all the suffering he carried seemed to be bubbling out at once. They were holding each now, each cupping the other’s face in their hands. “You broke my heart,” he said through clenched teeth.
Tears spills down her cheeks now. “I know. I broke us both.”
She was not the only one to blame. All his pride melted and he had nothing left in his heart but compassion. “Forgive me,” he whispered as his tears flowed, no longer able to hold them back.
“For what?” she softly admonished him.
“I should have found another way. I should have found a way to stop Gorfod that wouldn’t have been so traumatizing for you.”
They were fully wrapped around each other now. “You saved my life. I accept you and I forgive you.” He wiped away her tears. “Forgive my pridefulness, Obi. If only I had talked to you, we could have both avoided all this pain.”
“There has been so much left unsaid and it’s destroying us both, Satine.”
“Then, in this moment, let us be blunt.”
He took a deep breath before continuing. He had no wish widen their wounds, but he had to speak the truth. “I’m sorry I can’t be the man you want me to be. I can’t marry you or hold your hand in public. I can’t leave the Order for you. Not now.”
She smiled gently. “Obi, you misunderstand my wishes. I would never ask that of you. Being a Jedi has defined you from the very beginning. Asking you to give that up would be like asking you to give up yourself. I love you as you are. So no, all I ask is that you finally tell me how you feel about me. I bared my soul to you the other day as we journeyed to Coruscant on the Coronet. I told you I loved you, and all you replied was that had I said the word, you would have left the Jedi Order. But that is not the same as love. You say one thing, then do another. You say we are friends and that you cannot hold my hand in public, yet you reach for me constantly, you support me, defend me, protect me. Please, Obi-Wan. I ask nothing of you except that you tell me the truth. Please put an end to my torment and set me free from this prison of self-doubt.”
Finally, he understood. He let go of control and allowed the Force’s current to take him.
Without a second thought Obi-Wan pulled Satine’s lips to his and kissed her passionately, wrapping his arms around her and hugging her tightly. When he felt tears fall from her eyes onto his cheeks he pulled back and at long last spoke the truth. “I have always loved you, Satine. My heart is yours.” They kissed again, their lips trembling as fifteen years of pain began to crumble and fall away. He buried his head in her neck, her hands deep in his hair as she held him against her. “I am at your mercy,” he whispered against her skin. “Demand that I stay with you. Banish me. Kill me. I am yours to command.”
She pulled back and looked into his eyes. “Be yourself, my love. If you stay, stay of your own free will.”
He hugged her closer, his strong arms easily enveloping her. “You deserve so much better than what I can offer.”
“I have no expectations. I have what I want now that I know your feelings.”
“Could I satisfy you with this? To know that I love you and that I carry you in my heart wherever I go? How could that ever be enough?”
She brushed her thumb across his lips. “It’s more than I ever hoped for.” She gently kissed the corner of his mouth and he closed his eyes, savoring the sensation.
“How will you reconcile our love with your Code?” She worried the implication would hang heavily on him and lead him to resent her. But when he looked into her eyes, his expression was easy and peaceful.
“I gave an oath to the Jedi. But the Jedi are not more powerful than the Force. Things are clear to me now. We were meant to hold each other’s hearts.”
“And what of attachment?”
He glanced down, searching his soul for the answer. “Attachment may lead to a fear of loss, a selfish desire to hold on to what is not yours to possess. I’m not afraid to die.” He looked at her, needing her absolution.
“Nor am I,” she replied. “Death is something I came to terms with long ago. I’m not so afraid to lose you, Obi-Wan, that I won’t be able to do my duty. I expect nothing less from you.”
He was relieved to see she was of the same mindset. He could remain a Jedi, and love Satine, as long as it was understood that he could put nothing above his selfless duty to the greater good. He loved her all the more for offering him this equity. He ran his hands through her hair and kissed her forehead. “I promise you this, whenever we’re together, especially in private, you will have my undivided attention. No war, no Code, no expectation will distract me. I will live in the moment with you, every chance I have.”
They nuzzled each other, savoring the intimacy their lives had been lacking. “Are you sure this is what you want?” he asked.
“You don’t need me. You’ve never needed me. And I’m grateful for it. To need someone is to be a weight around their neck.”
“You’re right. I don’t need you. I want you. I choose you, Satine.”
“Then yes, I’m sure this is what I want.
And in that moment, all was stripped away. No more Jedi Master nor Duchess. Simply Obi-Wan and Satine.
——————–
END NOTES
NEXT CHAPTER: The final chapter, written as a gift to all those who have stuck with this fic…and especially for those of you who wished this was a “fix it” fic ❤️
SUMMARY: Please excuse me while I rip your heart from your chest… heartbreak and more anxiety attacks in this chapter. This is the Mandalorian conclusion. We’ll go back to “present” day in the next chapter.
TRIGGER WARNING! For anyone prone to anxiety attacks, please use caution later in the chapter. As a person who has anxiety attacks, I know reading about them can dredge up feelings. So please take care.
——————–
CHAPTER 26
Mandalore
The next afternoon, Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon went before the Duchess and her full court to take formal leave. Emotions were mixed; not all Mandalorians approved of the Jedi, but even the most fervid nationalists felt particular respect for Obi-Wan Kenobi who had not only rescued their sovereign but also foiled a plot to overthrow what remained of their government.
Even so, Kenobi seemed gaunt to Qui-Gon, as though he had pulled his Force energy so tightly around him that he was beginning to shrink in on himself. The young man clearly had not slept; he was pale and had dark circles under his eyes, and he averted his gaze all morning, as though he could not bear to look at anyone. The older Jedi wondered if Satine had taken his advice and gone to his Padawan’s room. If she had, it obviously hadn’t gone well.
In fact, the Duchess had not gone to Obi-Wan. He waited all night, wondering if she would come. He could not go to her, especially now that she was constantly surrounded by her praetorian guard. But no knock ever came; with each passing hour Kenobi became more and more certain that she no longer cared for him.
As they entered the throne room and walked up the aisle toward the dais, Qui-Gon walked with a long, noble posture, but Obi-Wan, the hero, kept his eyes lowered. He would need every ounce of self-control to get through this.
“Duchess,” Qui-Gon said, formally bowing. “We have come to take our leave.”
“I am most sorry to see you go,” Satine replied, her voice strong and regal. “All of Mandalore is in your debt.” Her tone softened slightly. “Iam forever in your debt.”
“There is no debt, my lady. It is our honor to protect and serve those in need. We wish you every happiness and success.”
She bowed, accepting his good wishes on behalf of her people. “The Jedi will be our allies from this day forward.”
“A welcome change from our contentious history.”
“Indeed. Let this be the beginning of a more peaceful Mandalore.” She held her hand out.
Qui-Gon stepped forward and kissed it. “I wish you every good fortune, Duchess. May the Force be with you.”
“Farewell, Master Jedi. My gratitude travels home with you. May the Force protect you always.”
Qui-Gon stepped back.
Now it was Obi-Wan’s turn. As he stepped toward Satine’s outstretched hand, the court sent up a cheer. Under other circumstances, it may have been a joyous monument, but instead it sent a painful stab into the young man’s heart. He clenched his jaw and willed himself to remain in control. He took Satine’s fingers in his and gently kissed the back of her hand. “My lady,” he managed to get out.
The crowd still cheered, and no one could have overheard their exchange, but Satine simply said, “I thank you for everything, Padawan Kenobi.”
Kenobi’s throat tightened at her formality. That’s it then, he thought. He stepped back, letting her hand slip from his.
The crowd quieted and Satine said, “Go in peace, Jedi. And remember, Mandalore will always be a friend to you.”
The two men bowed and turned to leave.
The ordeal was over.
This had been one of the most challenging missions Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan had ever faced. Their duty was done and it was time to move on to the next person in need.
As they walked through the palace toward the landing pad where their shuttle awaited, Obi-Wan felt like he was in a daze.
It was ending.
He knew it was ending.
He would never see Satine again.
After everything that had happened, how could it resolve like this?
If not for Qui-Gon’s presence beside him, he may never have made it up the ramp onto the ship. He crossed the threshold from one world into the other and he didn’t look back. He couldn’t bear to see that Satine wasn’t there, wasn’t running after him, wasn’t trying to stop him. As the shuttle ramp closed, all the blood drained from his head and he quickly had to sit down next to his Master. His hands were shaking and his breathing was noticeably heavy.
The Jedi temple guards piloted the ship off the landing pad, and as they exited the atmosphere and entered hyperspace, Obi-Wan broke down. He didn’t sob, he just sat there as tears silently poured down his cheeks, his eyes glassy and defeated.
Qui-Gon could feel the boy’s anguish. “Remember, young one,” he said gently, “the Force has its reasons.”
Obi-Wan swallowed thickly, his eyes never shifting. “Yes, Master.”
The older Jedi wanted to do something for his apprentice, wanted to take his pain away and comfort him. But before Jinn could say or do anything, Kenobi turned away and tucked his head against the seat. “I need to sleep,” he said flatly. He closed his eyes and pretended to rest, but all he could focus on was the way his heart bled in his chest.
——————–
Readjusting to life at the Temple was strange at first. One does not easily set down the mantle of suspicion and survivalism and simply return to normal. For weeks Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan caught themselves bristling, searching for signs of threat when there were none. Neither had fully appreciated how heightened their sense of danger had become over the past year. Each struggled in their own way to reestablish a comfortable routine.
The fact that Kenobi looked slightly different did not escape the Council’s notice. The visible scaring on his face, hands, and arms were the obvious tells, but when the two Jedi returned to the Temple, each needed medical care. Qui-Gon’s wounds were recent, but Kenobi had injuries under injuries, and the healers saw them while the young man was suspended in bacta. The Council questioned Qui-Gon about Obi-Wan but the Jedi Master kept the promise he made to his student and simply replied that his Padawan had sacrificed a great deal in order to keep the Duchess safe.
In the weeks since their return, Qui-Gon tried to give Obi-Wan space. Though he hid it well from others, the young man was grieving. Jinn knew his apprentice wasn’t sleeping or eating very much, but what worried the older Jedi most was how silent Obi-Wan had become. He hardly ever spoke, not during classes, not with his friends, not even when he sat one-on-one across from his master for tea. He tended their house plants more than usual and he sparred often, usually with Quinlan Vos. There was a darkness hanging over Kenobi, a battle between anger and sadness.
Qui-Gon wanted to help, but he could not force his apprentice to talk. All he could do was hover invisibly and keep the young man under a watchful eye; after all, grief was a path to the dark side.
But, his carefully constructed distance collapsed one evening, whether by accident or by the Force’s intervention he would never be sure.
Very late one night, Qui-Gon was roused from a shallow sleep by someone banging on his door. Bant Eerin, one of Obi-Wan’s sweet friends, bowed respectfully when the Jedi Master appeared, but she was agitated. “Master Qui-Gon, I’m sorry to wake you but we need your help.”
“We?”
“Yes, Quinlan and I. Something has happened with Obi-Wan and we don’t know what to do.”
Jinn swung around to look at his Padawan’s bedroom door and saw that it stood open, the lights off. “I didn’t know he had gone out.”
“He never went to bed.”
“Lead the way, Bant, and tell me what’s happened.”
They started down the corridor and headed toward the lifts as the young Mon Calamari explained as best she could. “Obi-Wan and Quinlan were sparring again. They’ve been at it for hours, sort of messing around but also trying to develop new form combinations. We all decided to stay up late.” They entered the lift and it descended toward the practice hall. “Well, actually, we didn’t want to leave Obi-Wan alone so we stayed up with him. He’s been acting strange ever since you got back. But something happened a few minutes ago.” Her voice softly died out and she shook her head as though confused.
“What happened?” Qui-Gon gently encouraged.
“He just sort of collapsed.”
“Why didn’t you send for a healer?” he questioned, unable to keep the surprise from his tone.
“He begged us not to. After Quinlan threaten him, he finally told me to come get you instead of a healer.”
Qui-Gon wasn’t sure what he would find when he arrived in the practice salles, but he didn’t expect to find Obi-Wan sitting on the floor, pitched forward gasping for breath while Quinlan hugged him tightly around the shoulders.
The room was dark, the timer-controlled lights having shut off hours ago for the evening, but a few lamp droids hovered in the air, brought in by the three youths. Qui-Gon couldn’t see his Padawan’s face, but he recognized his posture. Obi-Wan hadn’t had an attack like this for years, not since Bant had been kidnapped and nearly murdered.
The Jedi Master knelt down in front of the boys. “Obi-Wan,” he said gently. “Look at me.”
Reluctantly, Kenobi lifted his head. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he fought for air through flared nostrils, his jaw clenched tight to hold back his emotions.
“You’re safe, young one. Quinlan’s got you. You can relax now.”
Obi-Wan locked eyes with his Master and blinked through his tears.
“That’s right. Calm your breathing. Take a deep breath and let it pass.”
Quinlan exchanged glances with the Jedi Master. “What’s happening?” he asked, trying to keep his own worry at bay.
“Obi-Wan has been under a lot of stress lately.”
Vos squeezed Kenobi tighter as he slowly began to relax. “Looks like we over did it, brother.”
Obi-Wan snorted his agreement.
“Perhaps you should take a break from sparring for a few days.”
After his apprentice seemed sufficiently calm, Qui-Gon excused Quinlan and Bant, thanking them for coming to get him.
When they were alone, Obi-Wan began to crumble, no longer having the energy to hide how he felt. His head drooped forward and he began to cry quietly. Qui-Gon’s heart tightened in his chest and he reached out, placing a hand on his Padawan’s head. “Oh, young one.”
“I know what happened was the will of the Force,” Obi-Wan said, clearly drained, his voice exhausted, “but how am I supposed to move on, Master? How can I let go of what happened when my body is a constant reminder?”
Realization dropped over Qui-Gon like a shroud. The boy’s scars. Every mark on his skin was a reminder of all that had happened.
“I suffered for her.” Obi-Wan’s voice was tight with pain, his head still hanging forward. “Every time I look in the mirror, all I can think of is her. And everything I endured to protect her.”
Qui-Gon pulled the boy into his arms. He had no real solution for his Padawan. The burden he carried was heavy, one that would never go away.
“All I can offer you is that time will lessen the pain.”
“It’s all so unfair.”
The older Jedi fought his own emotions. Feeling his Padawan’s anguish was heartbreaking. And it brought up his own raw memories. “It isn’t fair,” he said. “And it will always hurt, Obi-Wan. But with time, the pain will dull. It won’t occupy every waking moment. And with distance, you will gain a new perspective. But right now, it simply hurts.” He swallowed thickly. “I know from experience.”
Obi-Wan tightened his grip on his Master. “Tahl.”
Qui-Gon nodded.
“How did you ever heal after she died?”
“By acknowledging what little time we had was a beautiful gift.”
Obi-Wan pulled back and looked at his Master. “But you know Tahl loved you, right until the end. Satine hates me now. And I have only myself to blame.”
“Do you really believe what you did to save her life was wrong?”
“I don’t know anymore. I felt certain I had done the right thing at the time, but her response made me question myself.”
“In the moment, what were your feelings?”
“I don’t think I had any feelings in the critical moment. When Gorfod and his son went for Satine, it was as though the Force took over my actions. I was dispassionate.”
“If what you say is true, then you must know the Force would never lead you astray, Obi-Wan.”
Calm came over Kenobi’s posture as the idea settled in his mind.
“When you truly become a vessel for the Force, remarkable feats are possible. It sounds to me as though it was a moment of incredible growth for you as a Jedi.”
“Yes, it felt like that.”
“Then take comfort in that knowledge. Satine may not be able to understand your motives right now, but at least you know you did your duty. Everything you endured, every scar, was a step on your journey that put you in the perfect frame of mind at the most important moment during our mission.” He smiled gently. “It’s actually a beautiful way to interpret your experience.”
Kenobi nodded, accepting the idea, though he was not certain he was fully comfortable with it yet. Part of him felt that he deserved this pain, as though it were a punishment for breaking the Code. He had strayed dangerously far off course with Satine, but the Force had guided him back to safety. If Qui-Gon was right, in the throne room Obi-Wan had taken another step toward being a proper Jedi Knight. He would lean into this knowledge, lean into the Force’s guidance, and never stray from the Code again. He would learn from his mistakes.
“Remember,” Qui-Gon said, placing a hand on his apprentice’s shoulder, “if things feel difficult, it means you’re resisting the will of the Force. Relax into its energy and it will be your compass.”
“Yes, Master.” Obi-Wan wiped his eyes, starting to recover. “Thank you for not telling Bant and Quinlan about…well, about anything that’s happened. I’d hate for them to think I’d cracked.”
“Your friends would never think of you as weak, Obi-Wan.”
“Thank you, Master.”
Qui-Gon helped his apprentice to his feet and walked with him back to their rooms. As he got back in bed he replayed the last year in his head, as he often did. He thought of everything his student had been through, and his last thoughts before drifting off to sleep was that a lesser Jedi would have turned to the dark side after enduring torture and heartbreak.
But not Obi-Wan Kenobi.
If their mission to Mandalore hadn’t corrupted Obi-Wan’s heart, then nothing could.
——————–
END NOTES
For anyone who isn’t familiar, Tahl was Qui-Gon’s love interest in the Jedi Apprentice novels. They are not canon.
NEXT CHAPTER: We go back to present day Obi-Wan and Satine. They finally have the conversation they’ve been avoiding for 15 years.
