#obi wan fic
obi-wan and anakin both have love languages of gifting. obi-wan puts positive memories and emotions in beads for quinlan and anakin just fucking (caringly and lovingly) adds rocket launchers to every single one of the temple’s droids
the come & go - prologue
summary: a recount of every time obi-wan kenobi fell in love with you and every time one of you left. - a.k.a “the one where your relationship is like a revolving door”
warnings: age gap, mentions of death
reviving this series from 2+ years ago - w some parts edited/rewritten - because i lost direction with it but the new kenobi series has made me fall back in love with him and also this. still tho, no spoilers in this. enjoy xx
-jazz
Obi-Wan Kenobi could have sworn that he was cursed with the most difficult Padawans.
Okay– technically speaking, you weren’t his Padawan. you’d lost your own master in a battle not so long ago and Obi-Wan had been tasked with seeing you through the final months before your Jedi trials. Initially, it was something that had seemed like a simple task. he’d dealt with Anakin for so long that you couldn’t have possibly been any worse, right?
Wrong.
Obi-Wan would quickly come to learn that Anakin Skywalker had nothing on you. He could tell from the minute he saw you, nonchalantly lounging in an empty council chair with your lightsaber dangling between your fingers and a blasé look of disinterest on your features. It was the sort of expression one might have if they were getting an unwarranted lecture from their parents – and with the way Yoda was going, it was a similar scenario.
At twenty-one years old, you were in no position to have such a demeanour when an ages-old Jedi Master was trying to talk to you. Obi-Wan was almost scared for you – and then your eyes met across the room, and he realised he was the one to be blessed with your difficult presence for the next few months. After that, he was scared for himself.
It was rightfully so, too. It became quickly evident that you had a sharp tongue and your wits about you; every question he offered, every conversation starter he threw out there was met with a backhanded comment or a dry quip.
Your first conversation was enough to knock him for six. he’d half-expected you to be a blubbering mess, a young girl heartbroken by the loss of her master. Instead, you were almost dismissive; a casually unconcerned Padawan with a cynical tone and a mischievous glint in your eye.
“So,” Obi-Wan cleared his throat, eyes watching Coruscant blur past you as the lift took you to the top floor. “What do you think of the Temple?”
“I mean…it sure is a temple,” you glanced back at him, thinning your eyes with undue suspicion. “I don’t really have many feelings about architecture. It’s just bricks and shit, right?”
He blinked in surprise, almost faltering from his strong stance. "Some people get overwhelmed the first time they’re here.”
“I’m not overwhelmed,” you shrugged casually. "I’m not underwhelmed either. I’m just sort of…whelmed.”
The first ten years of your training – give or take – had been at a smaller Jedi base, much, much further away in the Outer Rims. The village in which it was situated was about a tenth the size of Coruscant and worlds away from the bustling, energetic city. He remembered being a wide-eyed Padawan when he’d first arrived here and yet, you didn’t seem phased. You had a calm manner about you, something for which he had not been prepared. You weren’t acting like a Padawan who had just lost her master, nor one who had been torn from her home and thrown into an urban jungle.
“I’m sorry to hear about Gio’s passing,” Obi-Wan cleared his throat, making a last-ditch attempt to break the thick, awkward silence that had filled the elevator. Had it always been this slow?
“Eh,” you shrugged again.
Had…Had you just responded to the subject of your dead master by saying eh?
(That moment could be marked as the first time that you actually managed to shock the poor man into silence. Soon enough, it was a regular occurrence).
“I…” Obi-Wan trailed off, pausing for a moment to regain himself. “Gio was a good friend of mine. He was a good man, a good Jedi-”
“- yeahhhhhh,” you cut him off. “He was kind of a dick though.”
The elevator finally came to a stop and you stepped out, breezing down the hallway and leaving Obi-Wan to simply stare at your strolling form in shock. He cleared his throat and regathered himself (for the fourth time in ten minutes), rushing out of the lift just as the doors were about to shut on him.
That’s how things often went between you two over the next few months. he’d try and say something - usually, something completely normal, like a genuine question or an observation - and you would shoot back with something that could knock him off his feet. Just as Obi-Wan thought he was getting the hang of…well, of you, you’d turn it up a notch.
But you more than just a girl with a sharp tongue - he knew that when he met you, and he knew it even more as the days and weeks passed. You were smart, deceptive in an assuming way. You could draw people in with your young appearance and sweet smile, and then you’d slaughter them in the same way a cheetah did to a hyena. You had the presence of an intergalactic spy more than a Jedi, and the lightsaber moves to go with it.
There was one incident in particular that stuck with Obi-Wan. It was two months after you’d begun to bless him with your presence and you were in a training session. Anakin, a bright-eyed seventeen-year-old, was sat on the sidelines watching you twirl your lightsaber with the sort of grace one might expect from an ageing master, not a Padawan.
“Did your master teach you that?” Obi-Wan paused for a moment, pushing back a few strewn, strawberry strands of hair. He was red in the face, almost keeling over from your endless stamina and quick moves.
“No,” you shook your head, a sly grin working its way onto your face. “Itaught me that."
"Let’s go again,” he announced. "And this time, stick to moves that I"ve taught you.”
“Why?”you thinned your eyes at him. “Scared that you’lll lose?”
“If you spent more time on your fighting than you did try to be smart, you would have passed the trials by now,” he shot back. He was trying to get a rise out of you - he often did. It was his way of sparking your drive.
“Oh, you didnot just say that.”
You raised your own lightsaber launching yourself forward to swing a hit at him. Obi-Wan easily blocked it, the blue of his blade forming purple smacks as it hit your red one. You drew back, going to swing underneath his legs; he jumped, narrowly avoiding the hit.
“Just admit it!” you continued to thwack and hit, circling around the mat in the gym. “I’m ready for the trials, Kenobi.”
“That’sMaster-”
“- you’re not my Master,” You reminded him, dodging backwards to avoid a hit in a weird, limbo style move. “Gio was my master, and he’s dead, remember?”
You appeared to have zero grievances about your late master. Obi-Wan had never caught you mourning, or even shedding a tear over him. Of all the things he didn’t understand about you, that one seemed to take the cake. It had been eight years since he’d lost his own master and he still struggled with Qui-Gon’s passing - and here you were, more than happy to throw out the name of your deceased Jedi Knight like it was a curse word.
That was when Obi-Wan realised what your play was. you’d make a comment so blasphemous, so shocking, that he’d have no choice but to reel back in horror - and that was when you’d take your hit. Like I said - deceptive in an unassuming way.
Waiting for him to pause at your words, you used the Force to pull his lightsaber with your hands. A celebratory grin appeared on your face as you raised the weapon in the air, shutting it down as you juggled it with your own.
The moment wasn’t particularly different to anything you’d done before; you’d made a comment and won a lightsaber duel. That was pretty much a Tuesday for Obi-Wan - but this one stood out for a particular reason.
That was the first time he realised how beautiful you were.
You were stood directly under the stream of light from the window, the golden evening glow lighting up your face as you did an odd little victory dance. He could quite literallyfeelyour elatedness through the Force - which was odd, because you didn’t have a Force connection and you were good at blocking other nosy Jedi - and it had uplifted him too.
Then, you tossed Obi-Wan’s lightsaber back to him as quick as you’d swiped it, giving him a slight wink.
It wasn’t much, but it was the first sign of trouble.
The next incident came at the five-month mark. By that point, both him and Anakin had become accustomed to your presence. Obi-Wan was alittleconcerned of your rebellious influence over his young Padawan but if anything, you were simply like an older sibling. The teenager seemed to idolize you and he actually listened to you.
And you weren’t just developing a relationship with Anakin; naturally, you’d become closer with Obi-Wan. He liked to think that you were friends or at the very least, two people who mutually respected each other. You hardly listened to him but he’d known from the second that you weren’t huge on taking orders. At first, it was a mystery as to how you’d even lasted that long - but then it became clear.
You were strong with the Force. In fact, you seemed to understand it in a way that no-one else did. You were hardly an expert in using it but you were so sure of yourself and so certain in what you wanted that you could bend it and shape it to your desire. You could use it to fetch faraway items in the same way that you could use it to block other people from using it to understand how you were feeling.
But Obi-Wan saw through you. The whole world could tell, because you slammed doors and stomped your feet but he was the only one who could sense that was something was deeply off. You put up a good fight - an impressive barricade of fake Force emotions and even phonier smiles - but he knew when you weren’t genuine. Your sarcastic quips didn’t come with that glint in your eyes, and you hadn’t insulted him all day.
Thatwas how he ended up outside your door; Obi-Wan didn’t mean to worry about you so much, but it felt only natural. He was concerned for you in the same way he was for Anakin. Except, maybe- just maybe - it was a little deeper than that but if he could half-convince himself of it, hopefully you’d believe it too.
He only had to knock once before you opened the door to your quarters. Your eyes were slightly bleary; you hadn’t been crying, but it looked as though you were about to be pushed over the edge.
“I know that something was off with you today,” Obi-Wan didn’t bother with a greeting.
“I’mfine,”you shook your head. "It’s late. Shouldn’t old people like you be asleep?”
He thinned his eyes at you. “It doesn’t do well to bottle up your feelings."
"How do you know what I’m feeling?” you shot back. Turning on your heel, you spun around to head back into your room. Obi-Wan was hesitant to follow at first, but he took the open-ended statement as an invitation.
He hadn’t been in your room before, but somehow it was exactly as he’d expected it to be. The place was tidy-but-cluttered; your bed was made and your books were organised, but there were robes and random knick-knacks stacked and strewn everywhere. He didn’t understand how you could have possibly used the space to meditate and relax - but you didn’t seem like the sort of person who did either of those things.
“So?”
“So what?”
“So how do you know what I’m feeling?” you took a seat at the foot of your bed, folding your arms across your chest.
“When you’ve been a Jedi as long as I have, sensing other people’s emotions simply becomes second nature,” Obi-Wan replied. “Especially in your...Padawans.”
“Okay - two things,” you jabbed your finger at him. “Firstly, I am not your Padawan. Secondly, I don’t spend twenty minutes each morning trying to put a Force blockade for you to pretend to know what I’m feeling.”
“There’s no blockade,” he shook his head. “There can’t be, not if I can tell that you’re anxious and you’re scared-”
“- there is,” you cut him off. "I might have not passed the Knight trials yet but blocking people from feeling my emotions was like….chapter one of the Jedi texts.”
There was always the possibility that your attempts at doing so had simply fallen flat, but you were right in saying it was a basic Jedi trick. It was a simple device, something that he’d mastered himself by the time he was eighteen. That left only one option, and it was one that he didn’t like.
Obi-Wan could see through your facade, through your attempts to hinder people from feeling your sentiments. He could feel your emotions as though were his own, as if he could understand them in a way that no-one else could. You weren’t making yourself vulnerable to him, not intentionally. There was only one possible explanation for it.
It was the beginning of a Force connection - one that neither of you had ever intended to forge.
He couldn’t tell you that. He’d have to explain why, but he wasn’t entirely sure what it meant. It certainly wasn’t one of a Padawan and her master; that would have taken much longer. It was also worlds away from any kind of connection that friends would have - and that’s what the pair of you were, no?
So Obi-Wan gave you a fake smile. He agreed with you, pretending to admit that yes, he was pretending to feel your emotions. He didn’t admit that he felt everything you were experiencing; he didn’t tell you that he could sense every fleeting thought and every transient connection…
…Including the one where you suspected you might have felt something too.
But, you and Obi-Wan were nothing if not good at pretending you were hiding your feelings. He left your room that night and neither of you ever mentioned it again, even though you both knew what it was. What had started as a simple admiration for the other had begun to grow into something beyond either of your control.
It was easy at first to pretend that you falling for the Jedi; sliding closer and closer down the slippery slope of unrequited feelings with each passing day. Every smile that you exchanged and every glint of mischief that Obi-Wan sensed whenever you made a sarcastic quip was passed off as normal; nobody else could tell what was going on - and thank fuck, because then you’d both be truly screwed.
It was eight months in that the cracks in your guise began to show. You were on a mission - nothing particularly dangerous or out of the ordinary. Having been assigned to take down some particularly nasty and rebellious bounty hunters, you, Obi-Wan and Anakin felt a little over-qualified for the job but it was all the more reason to do it. You were desperate to prove yourself, to finally be awarded knighthood.
Perhaps it was that cockiness that lead you to slip up. You ended up with a knife in your shoulder, dangerously close to your chest; it was bad, but not so bad that you were going to lifelessly flail to the ground, or die on the jet home. With some bacta-spray and a few stitches, you were going to be fiiiiine.
Obi-Wan didn’t see it that way though. Oh, he did not see it that way at all; the Jedi knight blew his lid in a way that shocked even Anakin, and that was truly saying something when you considered his Padawan’s reckless nature. He yelled - he shouted and he ranted and he nagged until his throat was raw and his face red.
“How could you do something so stupid? I almost - we almost lost you. Do you want to be a Jedi knight? Because you can’t do that if you’re dead, and you certainly won’t pass the trials if you blindly run towards danger like that.”
You weren’t an idiot - and it didn’t take one to know that Obi-Wan’s outburst wasn’t about the trials. It wasn’t about you being reckless; it was far from it. It was the fact he could have lost you, and even though you’d only been in his life for the better part of eight months, he’d never become attached so fast. You’d made him do the one thing he’d always sworn not to and the worst part was that you weren’t even trying.
You were just there, simply existing - and apparently, it was enough to drive him insane.
Then, you’d been there ten months. You’d been prancing about Obi-Wan Kenobi’s life with your beautiful stature and stupid comments for the better part of three hundred days (not that he was counting). Your repressed feelings for one another were simply a fact of life; something you both acknowledged to yourselves but would never, ever admit. You couldn’t and you wouldn’t - or so you told yourself.
It was common for Jedi to accompany politicians on diplomatic missions; you were to act as a bodyguard of sorts and keep an eye out for any danger. You and Obi-Wan had been assigned to keep an eye on a ball in Naboo.
It was a beautiful planet; bustling and peaceful, energetic and calming all at once. The weather was beautiful and it was one of the missions that made your job feel worth it. Everything had gone to plan and you’d even retired early for the night, taking to the balcony of your luxurious hotel room to admire the view.
The sky was tinged pink, bleeding into the remaining blue of the evening as the day faded out into night. There was a slight chill in the warm air, a welcome contrast to the otherwise stuffy atmosphere that had been shrouding the planet during the day.
You heard your hotel room door open - you didn’t need to turn around to see who it was. You could sense Obi-Wan from the other side of the galaxy if you had tried, let alone ten metres away. He had a calm presence, one of a weathered and levelled Jedi who probably meditated a lot. Neither part of that statement was something you could relate to.
“Nice view, right?” you kept your back to him, arms gently dangling over the rails of the balcony.
“It certainly one of the more beautiful parts of the galaxy,” Obi-Wan replied. A moment later, you saw him mimic your position out the corner of your eye.
"What brings you to my neck of the woods?” you asked, tilting your head to face him.
He knew what he wanted to say: I can feel everything that you’re experiencing and I know that you’re sad, but this is the best planet in the galaxy and I can’t work out why.
But because of the slight not-admitting-your-feelings pickle, Obi-Wan settled for a simple “you looked sad today.”
He’d half been expecting an insult; a fuck off, you nosy Jedi or a go back to whatever planet you came from, mullet head. He had never in a million years thought that you would entertain his question, let alone open up to him.
“I used to come here with Gio,” you continued to stare out into the distance. "He worked with the Queen a lot and more often than not, we’d be assigned this exact sort of job. It was kind of our place.”
That was the first sign you’d shown of missing your master. Maker, of course you missed him - you’d spent the better part of your almost-twenty-two years with him. He was an asshole in every sense of the word but he’d been like a brother to you. It also confirmed to Obi-Wan that you were probablya human being and not a sarcastic, person-like droid, something which came of a relief to him.
“I slag the man off to no end but I loved him,” you continued. "He was the only family I had, the only connection to an identity beyond being a Padawan.”
“I felt the same when I lost Qui-Gon,” Obi-Wan reached across, gently resting his hand on top of yours. “I felt lost without his guidance, as though the world were suddenly a lot bigger. A lot darker.”
“Gio always seemed to know what to do,” you fondly smiled. "He definitely didn’t know everything but he was good at acting like it.”
“Perhaps that’s where youget it from,” he nudged you slightly with his elbow.
"If I turn out half as good a Jedi as him, then I’m happy,” you replied.
"You are a brilliant Jedi, farmore than half as good as Gio,” Obi-Wan gave your hand a light squeeze. "A little reckless, yes, but you have all the makings of a brilliant warrior.”
“Is this the part where you tell me it’s because of your training over the last ten months?” you fully rotated your body around to face him, a teasing smile on your face.
“Isuppose that might have helped,” he beamed back at you. "It’s not been an easy situation for either of us. I’ve got my hands tied up with Anakin and you lost your master at the worst time.”
“It"s not been that bad though, surely?” you scrunched up your nose. “I’d love to have me, I’m pretty fucking cool.”
“You are.”
“Say it,” you flipped your hand over underneath his, intertwining your fingers. "I’ve never heard you swear before.”
“Say what?”
“That I’m pretty fucking cool.”
Obi-Wan bit his lip for a moment - but then he smiled. “You’re pretty fucking cool.”
It was hardly the most romantic set-up for your first kiss but as the words left his lips, you felt something click. You were miles out from the temple - miles out from all your troubles. At that moment, with the way he was smiling at you, blue eyes distant caught under the pink of the evening and fingers intertwined, it felt like you were the only two people in the galaxy.
Obi-Wan"s lips were soft, welcoming and warm like a mellow summer’s day. Your bodies slotted together perfectly, his hands on your hips and yours on his neck as though whoever had created the galaxy had crafted them just for each other. It stole the air from your lungs and nothing else - not a single person, not a single issue or single rule - mattered. It was him and only him.
That was when he finally admitted to himself that he was in love with you. It wasn’t in a simple way either; it was deep and it was true and there was no letting go.
And letting go would be something both of you struggled with every time the galaxy seemed to want to rip the two of you apart.
Ok I’m looking for fan fic recs. Hit me with your best hurt Obi-Wan or Obi-Wan as a prisoner fics nothing too long because I have a short attending span right now.
SUMMARY: We’re back to present day Obi-Wan and Satine. Time to connect all the dots. This is the conversation they’ve been avoiding for years…and I’m certain this chapter was a deleted scene from the Clone Wars LOL!
This is the chapter some of you have been waiting years to read. Thank you for sticking with me and for not giving up on reading this beast of a fic. I am grateful for every single one of you.
And as a thank you (and as a treat for myself) I commissioned some book covers for this fic. My dear friend @journen is an extremely talented artist. She took my concepts and turned them into beautiful masterpieces. Please give her a follow (she also sells amazing Obi-Wan prints on Etsy).
I hope you love the artwork. This is the first of 2 covers. I will post the second cover with the final chapter.
Please don’t repost this art anywhere without asking me first. Reblogs are totally fine, however Thank you, friends!
——————–
CHAPTER 27
Coruscant
The city had calmed now that the hour was late but lanes filled with vehicles still whizzed past in the distance. Obi-Wan and Satine leaned against her balcony, watching the twinkling lights while they silently sipped tea. Deep familiarity and nervous uncertainty fluttered between them, both aware this evening could end painfully.
“It’s never dark here,” Satine said wistfully, breaking their silence. “Do you never tire of it?”
Obi-Wan leaned forward onto his elbows. “I suppose I’m used to the lights.”
“And you never want to escape?” she teased.
The corner of his mouth pulled up into a half smile. “Actually, I do,” he confessed.
She turned to him, surprised by his honest answer. “Really?”
“Sometimes I wish I could just disappear, go somewhere where no one knows who I am, get away from everything.”
“I understand how you feel.”
He saw sadness flash through her eyes. “There are no days off when you’re a duchess.”
“Nor any for a Jedi. No,” she sighed, “our duty demands constant vigilance. Do you ever wonder what your life would have been like if you were just a regular person?”
Obi-Wan knew being the Duchess of Mandalore was Satine’s deepest passion. He wondered what she was trying to get him to say. “I have never wished to be anything other than what I am.”
She frowned. “That’s not what I meant. Haven’t you ever daydreamed about other possibilities?”
His heart sank, fearing that she was pushing the conversation into remnants of the past. “I gave up daydreaming a long time ago.”
Satine’s face suddenly changed, her entire body going rigid as old emotional wounds split open.
He had hurt her without even trying.
“Very well,” she said, her tone hardening. “No more games.” She had grown tired of her own artifice, tired of dancing around their shared history.
Obi-Wan clenched his jaw and turned to her, steeling himself for the debate that was beginning.
“Didn’t our time together mean anything to you?” she launched in.
He felt like he’d been kicked in the gut. “Of course it did. Meeting you changed me forever.”
“But it wasn’t enough.”
“Wasn’t enough for what?”
“For you to treat me with respect,” her tone was getting heated.
“I have been nothing but courteous with you,” he replied, fighting to remain calm.
“Courteous while keeping me well and truly at arms-length, like you’re beating back a dog who is begging for your scraps.”
Obi-Wan was stunned into silence.
But he had to admit she was right, he had been pushing her away from the very moment they were reunited. That she had sensed it was no surprise; she was an intelligent, intuitive woman. And, what’s more, he hadn’t been subtle about holding her off. He was afraid of what she might do to him, afraid that letting her in would only reopen the heartache from his youth.
“Do you never think of us?” she asked.
“I try not to,” he said, forcing himself to be honest. He was attempting to tell her the truth without getting pulled deeper into the mess that existed between them. “Leaving you destroyed me, but I thought it was what you wanted. After that, I couldn’t bear to think of Draboon or Mandalore or you. The very thought of it was agony. And then… Qui-Gon was killed. I’m sorry, but no, I couldn’t bear those memories, I shut them away where I would never have to face the pain. Everything changed after I left Mandalore. Anakin was all I had; I poured everything into him. And now he despises me.”
Satine was overwhelmed by all his confessions. She could hardly process everything, so she clung to the one thing she felt certain of. “Anakin does not despise you.”
“He’s resented me for years,” Kenobi said bitterly. “He thinks I don’t know, but he’s not very good at hiding his emotions.”
“He resents authority, not you. He loves you.”
“Qui-Gon would have done better.”
“You’ve given Anakin stability, something his nature lacks.”
“He needs more than I can give him.”
She threw up her hands. “What is wrong with all you Jedi? You and Qui-Gon are exactly the same. Don’t you know how much Anakin loves you? How much Qui-Gon loved you?”
For some reason, Satine telling him what he did and did not know about his master was the final straw that pushed him into anger. “My master abandoned me, Satine.”
She shook her head, confused. “What do you mean? He didn’t abandon you.”
“He did. Not long after we left Mandalore.”
“I don’t understand.” Satine was clearly disturbed.
“He found a little boy in the middle of nowhere, an amazing boy who was strong with the Force. A boy he believed to be the chosen one.”
Her eyes widened. “Anakin.”
“Within days of meeting him, my master cast me off and took Anakin as his apprentice instead. But before the arrangement could be made official, Qui-Gon was killed. He died in my arms, begging me to train the boy.” Obi-Wan’s eyes had become hard and glassy, deep pain clear on his face.
Satine’s heart ached. How could the Jedi Master she knew do such a thing to the Padawan he had cared for so much? “Why?” she whispered.
“It was the will of the Force,” Obi-Wan replied flatly. “I’m sorry to sully your memories of him, but it’s the truth.”
“He must have believed you were ready to take the trials.”
“If he did, he found the most heartless way possible to push me into them.”
“Knowing what I do of Qui-Gon, I can’t believe it was done with malicious intent.”
“I don’t think Qui-Gon was trying to be malicious. I think he was careless.”
Satine bit her lip. “He never told you how he felt about you, did he?”
“He told me he was proud of me. Does that count?”
She came closer to him, wanting desperately to reassure him. “Obi, after…the…bounty hunters…” she was nervous to breach the subject that had once been so painful for him, “Qui-Gon was beside himself with worry. I don’t know how lucid you were for some of it, but he was terrified to lose you. He knew he wasn’t allowed to confess it, but I know for certain that your master loved you dearly.”
“He was not one to be bogged down by attachment. He clearly had no qualms about ‘losing’ me to Anakin.”
“Don’t be so obstinate,” she said, annoyed. “I’m sure he never told you this, but the night before you left Mandalore, he begged me to go to you and make peace. All he ever wanted was for you to be happy, to find the path that was meant for you…”
“He did what?” Obi-Wan stopped her, totally shocked.
“He told me I should go to your room,” she said slowly and quietly, suddenly nervous about her confession.
“He told you to make peace with me?” He was confused, surprised that his master would have spoken to Satine on his behalf.
“Yes, he did.”
“But you didn’t?” he asked, fighting to keep his tone even.
“No, I didn’t,” she whispered. “To my everlasting shame.”
Obi-Wan was beginning to feel shaky, his blood turning to ice as the hair stood up on the back of his neck. There was too much coming at him, too much to process. How had this conversation, that was supposed to be about his relationship with Satine, turned into revelations about Anakin and Qui-Gon?
“May I ask you something?” she interrupted his thoughts.
“Of course,” he replied, forcing himself to focus on the her.
“That night, the night of my coronation, you have never second-guessed your decision, have you?”
“No.”
“You have no regrets?”
“Only in that killing Gorfod made you hate me. But I would rather have you alive and hating me than dead.”
“I never hated you, Obi-Wan. I was shocked, deeply disturbed by his betrayal.”
“You despised me, Satine.”
“I was upset, yes. I needed time to come to terms with Gorfod’s treachery. But I could never hate you.”
“Well, it was unfortunate that the Jedi Council had other plans. There was no time for you to come to terms with anything before I was called back to Coruscant.”
“Indeed.”
He noticed how her lips pressed into a thin flat line. “You seem angry,” he said.
“I’m surprised you went away so quickly. I thought you might have wanted to stay. Unless I was simply a young fool who mistook a dalliance for true love. But I had thought there was something deeply meaningful between us.”
“I wanted to stay. In fact, I had hoped you would ask me to stay. But after the coronation ceremony, you clearly wanted me out of your sight.”
“Why didn’t you tell me how you felt?”
He was suddenly angry. Why was this his fault? After all, she had been the one to end things. “Why didn’t you ask me to stay?”
“Because I was angry. I didn’t know what to say. Can’t you see how difficult it was? Gorfod and his son…they were like my family. I had to watch the man I loved kill my family.”
“You were so angry with me, Satine, that you wouldn’t even look at me much less speak to me. Was I supposed to take that as an invitation to stay with you?”
“No, Obi-Wan. But, after everything we’d experienced, after you were tortured and nearly died, I was filled with fear. Seeing you kill someone…” She could not bring herself to finish her sentence.
“Made me no better than the men I killed. Yes, I remember your words.”
“I’m a pacifist. I would rather die than watch any violence perpetrated on another because of me.”
He stared at her for a long time before saying, “Do you think I killed those men for selfish reasons?”
“I don’t know what to think. I’ve always hoped you didn’t do it for us.”
He sighed defeatedly. “How could you think that of me, that I would kill someone because I loved you? That’s not the kind of man I am, Satine.”
“Of course, I know that, Obi.”
“I saw the bigger picture. I acted on behalf of the greater good. They had wired the building with explosives from end to end. They planned to kill everyone. How many innocent members of your court should have died with you that day? I was acting on behalf of all Mandalorians, who had just endured a brutal civil war. To have their Duchess murdered on the day she was crowned, and to have all members of government killed in one felled swoop would have brought ruination to your system. If only you and I had been at risk that day, perhaps I would have acted differently. I like to think that I’d have honored your pacifism, but I’m only human. Perhaps then I would have acted selfishly.”
Satine took a deep breath, steadying herself against the memories that emerged. “I’m haunted by what you said to me on Valon, by how you predicted everything so perfectly. You said they wouldn’t just kill me, you said they would destroy me, make an example of me.”
Obi-Wan’s chest tightened. “I didn’t want to be right.”
“I know,” she said, fighting back tears. “Why didn’t I listen? Hadn’t you already proven yourself to me?”
He went cold again, overwhelmed by her acknowledgement. Obi-Wan Kenobi had gone nearly his entire life with hardly ever a word of validation from those around him. His skill, his compassion, his power was constantly taken for granted. Now he knew, deep down, that Satine truly saw him.
“You had proven yourself time and again, but I was stubborn and wouldn’t listen to your wisdom. If only I had listened to you, trusted you.”
He turned away, suddenly emotional.
“I know that you did the right thing, Obi-Wan, whether your intentions were selfish or not, I know you were duty bound to protect me and my people. You went above and beyond the call. I know what kind of man you are.”
Tears stung his eyes but he brushed them away. “I know you do. That’s what makes this so hard.” He forced himself to look at her. “You are the only person who has ever known me as I am, not just as a Jedi. But what am I now? I’ve given up everything for the Jedi. After Qui-Gon died I got pulled into a life I could never have foreseen. I don’t even know who I am anymore. Me, the real me.”
“The real you is a Jedi Master.”
“Do you remember all those years ago, when you told me that giving up my sense of self was squandering a gift?”
She closed the distance between them, her voice filled with compassion. “Obi-Wan, I was young and naïve. I didn’t yet understand what sacrifices were required to serve a greater good. Even at a young age, you understood the nobility in serving something larger than yourself.”
“But it’s like I don’t even exist anymore.” He was fighting back tears.
She cupped his cheek in her hand. “That’s not true. You are honorable and valiant. That is you, Obi-Wan.” He shook his head but she would not accept his resistance. “You were born this way; it is not learned. The Jedi did not make you honorable and valiant. You are an honorable and valiant man and that is what makes you an exceptional Jedi.”
He was shaking with emotion, but his eyes showed that her words had reached his heart. He was in so much pain. His past had caught up with him and all the suffering he carried seemed to be bubbling out at once. They were holding each now, each cupping the other’s face in their hands. “You broke my heart,” he said through clenched teeth.
Tears spills down her cheeks now. “I know. I broke us both.”
She was not the only one to blame. All his pride melted and he had nothing left in his heart but compassion. “Forgive me,” he whispered as his tears flowed, no longer able to hold them back.
“For what?” she softly admonished him.
“I should have found another way. I should have found a way to stop Gorfod that wouldn’t have been so traumatizing for you.”
They were fully wrapped around each other now. “You saved my life. I accept you and I forgive you.” He wiped away her tears. “Forgive my pridefulness, Obi. If only I had talked to you, we could have both avoided all this pain.”
“There has been so much left unsaid and it’s destroying us both, Satine.”
“Then, in this moment, let us be blunt.”
He took a deep breath before continuing. He had no wish widen their wounds, but he had to speak the truth. “I’m sorry I can’t be the man you want me to be. I can’t marry you or hold your hand in public. I can’t leave the Order for you. Not now.”
She smiled gently. “Obi, you misunderstand my wishes. I would never ask that of you. Being a Jedi has defined you from the very beginning. Asking you to give that up would be like asking you to give up yourself. I love you as you are. So no, all I ask is that you finally tell me how you feel about me. I bared my soul to you the other day as we journeyed to Coruscant on the Coronet. I told you I loved you, and all you replied was that had I said the word, you would have left the Jedi Order. But that is not the same as love. You say one thing, then do another. You say we are friends and that you cannot hold my hand in public, yet you reach for me constantly, you support me, defend me, protect me. Please, Obi-Wan. I ask nothing of you except that you tell me the truth. Please put an end to my torment and set me free from this prison of self-doubt.”
Finally, he understood. He let go of control and allowed the Force’s current to take him.
Without a second thought Obi-Wan pulled Satine’s lips to his and kissed her passionately, wrapping his arms around her and hugging her tightly. When he felt tears fall from her eyes onto his cheeks he pulled back and at long last spoke the truth. “I have always loved you, Satine. My heart is yours.” They kissed again, their lips trembling as fifteen years of pain began to crumble and fall away. He buried his head in her neck, her hands deep in his hair as she held him against her. “I am at your mercy,” he whispered against her skin. “Demand that I stay with you. Banish me. Kill me. I am yours to command.”
She pulled back and looked into his eyes. “Be yourself, my love. If you stay, stay of your own free will.”
He hugged her closer, his strong arms easily enveloping her. “You deserve so much better than what I can offer.”
“I have no expectations. I have what I want now that I know your feelings.”
“Could I satisfy you with this? To know that I love you and that I carry you in my heart wherever I go? How could that ever be enough?”
She brushed her thumb across his lips. “It’s more than I ever hoped for.” She gently kissed the corner of his mouth and he closed his eyes, savoring the sensation.
“How will you reconcile our love with your Code?” She worried the implication would hang heavily on him and lead him to resent her. But when he looked into her eyes, his expression was easy and peaceful.
“I gave an oath to the Jedi. But the Jedi are not more powerful than the Force. Things are clear to me now. We were meant to hold each other’s hearts.”
“And what of attachment?”
He glanced down, searching his soul for the answer. “Attachment may lead to a fear of loss, a selfish desire to hold on to what is not yours to possess. I’m not afraid to die.” He looked at her, needing her absolution.
“Nor am I,” she replied. “Death is something I came to terms with long ago. I’m not so afraid to lose you, Obi-Wan, that I won’t be able to do my duty. I expect nothing less from you.”
He was relieved to see she was of the same mindset. He could remain a Jedi, and love Satine, as long as it was understood that he could put nothing above his selfless duty to the greater good. He loved her all the more for offering him this equity. He ran his hands through her hair and kissed her forehead. “I promise you this, whenever we’re together, especially in private, you will have my undivided attention. No war, no Code, no expectation will distract me. I will live in the moment with you, every chance I have.”
They nuzzled each other, savoring the intimacy their lives had been lacking. “Are you sure this is what you want?” he asked.
“You don’t need me. You’ve never needed me. And I’m grateful for it. To need someone is to be a weight around their neck.”
“You’re right. I don’t need you. I want you. I choose you, Satine.”
“Then yes, I’m sure this is what I want.
And in that moment, all was stripped away. No more Jedi Master nor Duchess. Simply Obi-Wan and Satine.
——————–
END NOTES
NEXT CHAPTER: The final chapter, written as a gift to all those who have stuck with this fic…and especially for those of you who wished this was a “fix it” fic ❤️
Thank you for reading!
Reblogs, likes, and comments are very welcome!
Much love!
——————–
READ IT ON AO3 - Kudos and Comments Welcome :-)
SUMMARY: We’re back to present day Obi-Wan and Satine. Time to connect all the dots. This is the conversation they’ve been avoiding for years…and I’m certain this chapter was a deleted scene from the Clone Wars LOL!
This is the chapter some of you have been waiting years to read. Thank you for sticking with me and for not giving up on reading this beast of a fic. I am grateful for every single one of you.
And as a thank you (and as a treat for myself) I commissioned some book covers for this fic. My dear friend @journen is an extremely talented artist. She took my concepts and turned them into beautiful masterpieces. Please give her a follow (she also sells amazing Obi-Wan prints on Etsy).
I hope you love the artwork. This is the first of 2 covers. I will post the second cover with the final chapter.
Please don’t repost this art anywhere without asking me first. Reblogs are totally fine, however Thank you, friends!
——————–
CHAPTER 27
Coruscant
The city had calmed now that the hour was late but lanes filled with vehicles still whizzed past in the distance. Obi-Wan and Satine leaned against her balcony, watching the twinkling lights while they silently sipped tea. Deep familiarity and nervous uncertainty fluttered between them, both aware this evening could end painfully.
“It’s never dark here,” Satine said wistfully, breaking their silence. “Do you never tire of it?”
Obi-Wan leaned forward onto his elbows. “I suppose I’m used to the lights.”
“And you never want to escape?” she teased.
The corner of his mouth pulled up into a half smile. “Actually, I do,” he confessed.
She turned to him, surprised by his honest answer. “Really?”
“Sometimes I wish I could just disappear, go somewhere where no one knows who I am, get away from everything.”
“I understand how you feel.”
He saw sadness flash through her eyes. “There are no days off when you’re a duchess.”
“Nor any for a Jedi. No,” she sighed, “our duty demands constant vigilance. Do you ever wonder what your life would have been like if you were just a regular person?”
Obi-Wan knew being the Duchess of Mandalore was Satine’s deepest passion. He wondered what she was trying to get him to say. “I have never wished to be anything other than what I am.”
She frowned. “That’s not what I meant. Haven’t you ever daydreamed about other possibilities?”
His heart sank, fearing that she was pushing the conversation into remnants of the past. “I gave up daydreaming a long time ago.”
Satine’s face suddenly changed, her entire body going rigid as old emotional wounds split open.
He had hurt her without even trying.
“Very well,” she said, her tone hardening. “No more games.” She had grown tired of her own artifice, tired of dancing around their shared history.
Obi-Wan clenched his jaw and turned to her, steeling himself for the debate that was beginning.
“Didn’t our time together mean anything to you?” she launched in.
He felt like he’d been kicked in the gut. “Of course it did. Meeting you changed me forever.”
“But it wasn’t enough.”
“Wasn’t enough for what?”
“For you to treat me with respect,” her tone was getting heated.
“I have been nothing but courteous with you,” he replied, fighting to remain calm.
“Courteous while keeping me well and truly at arms-length, like you’re beating back a dog who is begging for your scraps.”
Obi-Wan was stunned into silence.
But he had to admit she was right, he had been pushing her away from the very moment they were reunited. That she had sensed it was no surprise; she was an intelligent, intuitive woman. And, what’s more, he hadn’t been subtle about holding her off. He was afraid of what she might do to him, afraid that letting her in would only reopen the heartache from his youth.
“Do you never think of us?” she asked.
“I try not to,” he said, forcing himself to be honest. He was attempting to tell her the truth without getting pulled deeper into the mess that existed between them. “Leaving you destroyed me, but I thought it was what you wanted. After that, I couldn’t bear to think of Draboon or Mandalore or you. The very thought of it was agony. And then… Qui-Gon was killed. I’m sorry, but no, I couldn’t bear those memories, I shut them away where I would never have to face the pain. Everything changed after I left Mandalore. Anakin was all I had; I poured everything into him. And now he despises me.”
Satine was overwhelmed by all his confessions. She could hardly process everything, so she clung to the one thing she felt certain of. “Anakin does not despise you.”
“He’s resented me for years,” Kenobi said bitterly. “He thinks I don’t know, but he’s not very good at hiding his emotions.”
“He resents authority, not you. He loves you.”
“Qui-Gon would have done better.”
“You’ve given Anakin stability, something his nature lacks.”
“He needs more than I can give him.”
She threw up her hands. “What is wrong with all you Jedi? You and Qui-Gon are exactly the same. Don’t you know how much Anakin loves you? How much Qui-Gon loved you?”
For some reason, Satine telling him what he did and did not know about his master was the final straw that pushed him into anger. “My master abandoned me, Satine.”
She shook her head, confused. “What do you mean? He didn’t abandon you.”
“He did. Not long after we left Mandalore.”
“I don’t understand.” Satine was clearly disturbed.
“He found a little boy in the middle of nowhere, an amazing boy who was strong with the Force. A boy he believed to be the chosen one.”
Her eyes widened. “Anakin.”
“Within days of meeting him, my master cast me off and took Anakin as his apprentice instead. But before the arrangement could be made official, Qui-Gon was killed. He died in my arms, begging me to train the boy.” Obi-Wan’s eyes had become hard and glassy, deep pain clear on his face.
Satine’s heart ached. How could the Jedi Master she knew do such a thing to the Padawan he had cared for so much? “Why?” she whispered.
“It was the will of the Force,” Obi-Wan replied flatly. “I’m sorry to sully your memories of him, but it’s the truth.”
“He must have believed you were ready to take the trials.”
“If he did, he found the most heartless way possible to push me into them.”
“Knowing what I do of Qui-Gon, I can’t believe it was done with malicious intent.”
“I don’t think Qui-Gon was trying to be malicious. I think he was careless.”
Satine bit her lip. “He never told you how he felt about you, did he?”
“He told me he was proud of me. Does that count?”
She came closer to him, wanting desperately to reassure him. “Obi, after…the…bounty hunters…” she was nervous to breach the subject that had once been so painful for him, “Qui-Gon was beside himself with worry. I don’t know how lucid you were for some of it, but he was terrified to lose you. He knew he wasn’t allowed to confess it, but I know for certain that your master loved you dearly.”
“He was not one to be bogged down by attachment. He clearly had no qualms about ‘losing’ me to Anakin.”
“Don’t be so obstinate,” she said, annoyed. “I’m sure he never told you this, but the night before you left Mandalore, he begged me to go to you and make peace. All he ever wanted was for you to be happy, to find the path that was meant for you…”
“He did what?” Obi-Wan stopped her, totally shocked.
“He told me I should go to your room,” she said slowly and quietly, suddenly nervous about her confession.
“He told you to make peace with me?” He was confused, surprised that his master would have spoken to Satine on his behalf.
“Yes, he did.”
“But you didn’t?” he asked, fighting to keep his tone even.
“No, I didn’t,” she whispered. “To my everlasting shame.”
Obi-Wan was beginning to feel shaky, his blood turning to ice as the hair stood up on the back of his neck. There was too much coming at him, too much to process. How had this conversation, that was supposed to be about his relationship with Satine, turned into revelations about Anakin and Qui-Gon?
“May I ask you something?” she interrupted his thoughts.
“Of course,” he replied, forcing himself to focus on the her.
“That night, the night of my coronation, you have never second-guessed your decision, have you?”
“No.”
“You have no regrets?”
“Only in that killing Gorfod made you hate me. But I would rather have you alive and hating me than dead.”
“I never hated you, Obi-Wan. I was shocked, deeply disturbed by his betrayal.”
“You despised me, Satine.”
“I was upset, yes. I needed time to come to terms with Gorfod’s treachery. But I could never hate you.”
“Well, it was unfortunate that the Jedi Council had other plans. There was no time for you to come to terms with anything before I was called back to Coruscant.”
“Indeed.”
He noticed how her lips pressed into a thin flat line. “You seem angry,” he said.
“I’m surprised you went away so quickly. I thought you might have wanted to stay. Unless I was simply a young fool who mistook a dalliance for true love. But I had thought there was something deeply meaningful between us.”
“I wanted to stay. In fact, I had hoped you would ask me to stay. But after the coronation ceremony, you clearly wanted me out of your sight.”
“Why didn’t you tell me how you felt?”
He was suddenly angry. Why was this his fault? After all, she had been the one to end things. “Why didn’t you ask me to stay?”
“Because I was angry. I didn’t know what to say. Can’t you see how difficult it was? Gorfod and his son…they were like my family. I had to watch the man I loved kill my family.”
“You were so angry with me, Satine, that you wouldn’t even look at me much less speak to me. Was I supposed to take that as an invitation to stay with you?”
“No, Obi-Wan. But, after everything we’d experienced, after you were tortured and nearly died, I was filled with fear. Seeing you kill someone…” She could not bring herself to finish her sentence.
“Made me no better than the men I killed. Yes, I remember your words.”
“I’m a pacifist. I would rather die than watch any violence perpetrated on another because of me.”
He stared at her for a long time before saying, “Do you think I killed those men for selfish reasons?”
“I don’t know what to think. I’ve always hoped you didn’t do it for us.”
He sighed defeatedly. “How could you think that of me, that I would kill someone because I loved you? That’s not the kind of man I am, Satine.”
“Of course, I know that, Obi.”
“I saw the bigger picture. I acted on behalf of the greater good. They had wired the building with explosives from end to end. They planned to kill everyone. How many innocent members of your court should have died with you that day? I was acting on behalf of all Mandalorians, who had just endured a brutal civil war. To have their Duchess murdered on the day she was crowned, and to have all members of government killed in one felled swoop would have brought ruination to your system. If only you and I had been at risk that day, perhaps I would have acted differently. I like to think that I’d have honored your pacifism, but I’m only human. Perhaps then I would have acted selfishly.”
Satine took a deep breath, steadying herself against the memories that emerged. “I’m haunted by what you said to me on Valon, by how you predicted everything so perfectly. You said they wouldn’t just kill me, you said they would destroy me, make an example of me.”
Obi-Wan’s chest tightened. “I didn’t want to be right.”
“I know,” she said, fighting back tears. “Why didn’t I listen? Hadn’t you already proven yourself to me?”
He went cold again, overwhelmed by her acknowledgement. Obi-Wan Kenobi had gone nearly his entire life with hardly ever a word of validation from those around him. His skill, his compassion, his power was constantly taken for granted. Now he knew, deep down, that Satine truly saw him.
“You had proven yourself time and again, but I was stubborn and wouldn’t listen to your wisdom. If only I had listened to you, trusted you.”
He turned away, suddenly emotional.
“I know that you did the right thing, Obi-Wan, whether your intentions were selfish or not, I know you were duty bound to protect me and my people. You went above and beyond the call. I know what kind of man you are.”
Tears stung his eyes but he brushed them away. “I know you do. That’s what makes this so hard.” He forced himself to look at her. “You are the only person who has ever known me as I am, not just as a Jedi. But what am I now? I’ve given up everything for the Jedi. After Qui-Gon died I got pulled into a life I could never have foreseen. I don’t even know who I am anymore. Me, the real me.”
“The real you is a Jedi Master.”
“Do you remember all those years ago, when you told me that giving up my sense of self was squandering a gift?”
She closed the distance between them, her voice filled with compassion. “Obi-Wan, I was young and naïve. I didn’t yet understand what sacrifices were required to serve a greater good. Even at a young age, you understood the nobility in serving something larger than yourself.”
“But it’s like I don’t even exist anymore.” He was fighting back tears.
She cupped his cheek in her hand. “That’s not true. You are honorable and valiant. That is you, Obi-Wan.” He shook his head but she would not accept his resistance. “You were born this way; it is not learned. The Jedi did not make you honorable and valiant. You are an honorable and valiant man and that is what makes you an exceptional Jedi.”
He was shaking with emotion, but his eyes showed that her words had reached his heart. He was in so much pain. His past had caught up with him and all the suffering he carried seemed to be bubbling out at once. They were holding each now, each cupping the other’s face in their hands. “You broke my heart,” he said through clenched teeth.
Tears spills down her cheeks now. “I know. I broke us both.”
She was not the only one to blame. All his pride melted and he had nothing left in his heart but compassion. “Forgive me,” he whispered as his tears flowed, no longer able to hold them back.
“For what?” she softly admonished him.
“I should have found another way. I should have found a way to stop Gorfod that wouldn’t have been so traumatizing for you.”
They were fully wrapped around each other now. “You saved my life. I accept you and I forgive you.” He wiped away her tears. “Forgive my pridefulness, Obi. If only I had talked to you, we could have both avoided all this pain.”
“There has been so much left unsaid and it’s destroying us both, Satine.”
“Then, in this moment, let us be blunt.”
He took a deep breath before continuing. He had no wish widen their wounds, but he had to speak the truth. “I’m sorry I can’t be the man you want me to be. I can’t marry you or hold your hand in public. I can’t leave the Order for you. Not now.”
She smiled gently. “Obi, you misunderstand my wishes. I would never ask that of you. Being a Jedi has defined you from the very beginning. Asking you to give that up would be like asking you to give up yourself. I love you as you are. So no, all I ask is that you finally tell me how you feel about me. I bared my soul to you the other day as we journeyed to Coruscant on the Coronet. I told you I loved you, and all you replied was that had I said the word, you would have left the Jedi Order. But that is not the same as love. You say one thing, then do another. You say we are friends and that you cannot hold my hand in public, yet you reach for me constantly, you support me, defend me, protect me. Please, Obi-Wan. I ask nothing of you except that you tell me the truth. Please put an end to my torment and set me free from this prison of self-doubt.”
Finally, he understood. He let go of control and allowed the Force’s current to take him.
Without a second thought Obi-Wan pulled Satine’s lips to his and kissed her passionately, wrapping his arms around her and hugging her tightly. When he felt tears fall from her eyes onto his cheeks he pulled back and at long last spoke the truth. “I have always loved you, Satine. My heart is yours.” They kissed again, their lips trembling as fifteen years of pain began to crumble and fall away. He buried his head in her neck, her hands deep in his hair as she held him against her. “I am at your mercy,” he whispered against her skin. “Demand that I stay with you. Banish me. Kill me. I am yours to command.”
She pulled back and looked into his eyes. “Be yourself, my love. If you stay, stay of your own free will.”
He hugged her closer, his strong arms easily enveloping her. “You deserve so much better than what I can offer.”
“I have no expectations. I have what I want now that I know your feelings.”
“Could I satisfy you with this? To know that I love you and that I carry you in my heart wherever I go? How could that ever be enough?”
She brushed her thumb across his lips. “It’s more than I ever hoped for.” She gently kissed the corner of his mouth and he closed his eyes, savoring the sensation.
“How will you reconcile our love with your Code?” She worried the implication would hang heavily on him and lead him to resent her. But when he looked into her eyes, his expression was easy and peaceful.
“I gave an oath to the Jedi. But the Jedi are not more powerful than the Force. Things are clear to me now. We were meant to hold each other’s hearts.”
“And what of attachment?”
He glanced down, searching his soul for the answer. “Attachment may lead to a fear of loss, a selfish desire to hold on to what is not yours to possess. I’m not afraid to die.” He looked at her, needing her absolution.
“Nor am I,” she replied. “Death is something I came to terms with long ago. I’m not so afraid to lose you, Obi-Wan, that I won’t be able to do my duty. I expect nothing less from you.”
He was relieved to see she was of the same mindset. He could remain a Jedi, and love Satine, as long as it was understood that he could put nothing above his selfless duty to the greater good. He loved her all the more for offering him this equity. He ran his hands through her hair and kissed her forehead. “I promise you this, whenever we’re together, especially in private, you will have my undivided attention. No war, no Code, no expectation will distract me. I will live in the moment with you, every chance I have.”
They nuzzled each other, savoring the intimacy their lives had been lacking. “Are you sure this is what you want?” he asked.
“You don’t need me. You’ve never needed me. And I’m grateful for it. To need someone is to be a weight around their neck.”
“You’re right. I don’t need you. I want you. I choose you, Satine.”
“Then yes, I’m sure this is what I want.
And in that moment, all was stripped away. No more Jedi Master nor Duchess. Simply Obi-Wan and Satine.
——————–
END NOTES
NEXT CHAPTER: The final chapter, written as a gift to all those who have stuck with this fic…and especially for those of you who wished this was a “fix it” fic ❤️
Thank you for reading!
Reblogs, likes, and comments are very welcome!
Much love!
——————–
READ IT ON AO3 - Kudos and Comments Welcome :-)
SUMMARY: Please excuse me while I rip your heart from your chest… heartbreak and more anxiety attacks in this chapter. This is the Mandalorian conclusion. We’ll go back to “present” day in the next chapter.
TRIGGER WARNING! For anyone prone to anxiety attacks, please use caution later in the chapter. As a person who has anxiety attacks, I know reading about them can dredge up feelings. So please take care.
——————–
CHAPTER 26
Mandalore
The next afternoon, Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon went before the Duchess and her full court to take formal leave. Emotions were mixed; not all Mandalorians approved of the Jedi, but even the most fervid nationalists felt particular respect for Obi-Wan Kenobi who had not only rescued their sovereign but also foiled a plot to overthrow what remained of their government.
Even so, Kenobi seemed gaunt to Qui-Gon, as though he had pulled his Force energy so tightly around him that he was beginning to shrink in on himself. The young man clearly had not slept; he was pale and had dark circles under his eyes, and he averted his gaze all morning, as though he could not bear to look at anyone. The older Jedi wondered if Satine had taken his advice and gone to his Padawan’s room. If she had, it obviously hadn’t gone well.
In fact, the Duchess had not gone to Obi-Wan. He waited all night, wondering if she would come. He could not go to her, especially now that she was constantly surrounded by her praetorian guard. But no knock ever came; with each passing hour Kenobi became more and more certain that she no longer cared for him.
As they entered the throne room and walked up the aisle toward the dais, Qui-Gon walked with a long, noble posture, but Obi-Wan, the hero, kept his eyes lowered. He would need every ounce of self-control to get through this.
“Duchess,” Qui-Gon said, formally bowing. “We have come to take our leave.”
“I am most sorry to see you go,” Satine replied, her voice strong and regal. “All of Mandalore is in your debt.” Her tone softened slightly. “Iam forever in your debt.”
“There is no debt, my lady. It is our honor to protect and serve those in need. We wish you every happiness and success.”
She bowed, accepting his good wishes on behalf of her people. “The Jedi will be our allies from this day forward.”
“A welcome change from our contentious history.”
“Indeed. Let this be the beginning of a more peaceful Mandalore.” She held her hand out.
Qui-Gon stepped forward and kissed it. “I wish you every good fortune, Duchess. May the Force be with you.”
“Farewell, Master Jedi. My gratitude travels home with you. May the Force protect you always.”
Qui-Gon stepped back.
Now it was Obi-Wan’s turn. As he stepped toward Satine’s outstretched hand, the court sent up a cheer. Under other circumstances, it may have been a joyous monument, but instead it sent a painful stab into the young man’s heart. He clenched his jaw and willed himself to remain in control. He took Satine’s fingers in his and gently kissed the back of her hand. “My lady,” he managed to get out.
The crowd still cheered, and no one could have overheard their exchange, but Satine simply said, “I thank you for everything, Padawan Kenobi.”
Kenobi’s throat tightened at her formality. That’s it then, he thought. He stepped back, letting her hand slip from his.
The crowd quieted and Satine said, “Go in peace, Jedi. And remember, Mandalore will always be a friend to you.”
The two men bowed and turned to leave.
The ordeal was over.
This had been one of the most challenging missions Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan had ever faced. Their duty was done and it was time to move on to the next person in need.
As they walked through the palace toward the landing pad where their shuttle awaited, Obi-Wan felt like he was in a daze.
It was ending.
He knew it was ending.
He would never see Satine again.
After everything that had happened, how could it resolve like this?
If not for Qui-Gon’s presence beside him, he may never have made it up the ramp onto the ship. He crossed the threshold from one world into the other and he didn’t look back. He couldn’t bear to see that Satine wasn’t there, wasn’t running after him, wasn’t trying to stop him. As the shuttle ramp closed, all the blood drained from his head and he quickly had to sit down next to his Master. His hands were shaking and his breathing was noticeably heavy.
The Jedi temple guards piloted the ship off the landing pad, and as they exited the atmosphere and entered hyperspace, Obi-Wan broke down. He didn’t sob, he just sat there as tears silently poured down his cheeks, his eyes glassy and defeated.
Qui-Gon could feel the boy’s anguish. “Remember, young one,” he said gently, “the Force has its reasons.”
Obi-Wan swallowed thickly, his eyes never shifting. “Yes, Master.”
The older Jedi wanted to do something for his apprentice, wanted to take his pain away and comfort him. But before Jinn could say or do anything, Kenobi turned away and tucked his head against the seat. “I need to sleep,” he said flatly. He closed his eyes and pretended to rest, but all he could focus on was the way his heart bled in his chest.
——————–
Readjusting to life at the Temple was strange at first. One does not easily set down the mantle of suspicion and survivalism and simply return to normal. For weeks Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan caught themselves bristling, searching for signs of threat when there were none. Neither had fully appreciated how heightened their sense of danger had become over the past year. Each struggled in their own way to reestablish a comfortable routine.
The fact that Kenobi looked slightly different did not escape the Council’s notice. The visible scaring on his face, hands, and arms were the obvious tells, but when the two Jedi returned to the Temple, each needed medical care. Qui-Gon’s wounds were recent, but Kenobi had injuries under injuries, and the healers saw them while the young man was suspended in bacta. The Council questioned Qui-Gon about Obi-Wan but the Jedi Master kept the promise he made to his student and simply replied that his Padawan had sacrificed a great deal in order to keep the Duchess safe.
In the weeks since their return, Qui-Gon tried to give Obi-Wan space. Though he hid it well from others, the young man was grieving. Jinn knew his apprentice wasn’t sleeping or eating very much, but what worried the older Jedi most was how silent Obi-Wan had become. He hardly ever spoke, not during classes, not with his friends, not even when he sat one-on-one across from his master for tea. He tended their house plants more than usual and he sparred often, usually with Quinlan Vos. There was a darkness hanging over Kenobi, a battle between anger and sadness.
Qui-Gon wanted to help, but he could not force his apprentice to talk. All he could do was hover invisibly and keep the young man under a watchful eye; after all, grief was a path to the dark side.
But, his carefully constructed distance collapsed one evening, whether by accident or by the Force’s intervention he would never be sure.
Very late one night, Qui-Gon was roused from a shallow sleep by someone banging on his door. Bant Eerin, one of Obi-Wan’s sweet friends, bowed respectfully when the Jedi Master appeared, but she was agitated. “Master Qui-Gon, I’m sorry to wake you but we need your help.”
“We?”
“Yes, Quinlan and I. Something has happened with Obi-Wan and we don’t know what to do.”
Jinn swung around to look at his Padawan’s bedroom door and saw that it stood open, the lights off. “I didn’t know he had gone out.”
“He never went to bed.”
“Lead the way, Bant, and tell me what’s happened.”
They started down the corridor and headed toward the lifts as the young Mon Calamari explained as best she could. “Obi-Wan and Quinlan were sparring again. They’ve been at it for hours, sort of messing around but also trying to develop new form combinations. We all decided to stay up late.” They entered the lift and it descended toward the practice hall. “Well, actually, we didn’t want to leave Obi-Wan alone so we stayed up with him. He’s been acting strange ever since you got back. But something happened a few minutes ago.” Her voice softly died out and she shook her head as though confused.
“What happened?” Qui-Gon gently encouraged.
“He just sort of collapsed.”
“Why didn’t you send for a healer?” he questioned, unable to keep the surprise from his tone.
“He begged us not to. After Quinlan threaten him, he finally told me to come get you instead of a healer.”
Qui-Gon wasn’t sure what he would find when he arrived in the practice salles, but he didn’t expect to find Obi-Wan sitting on the floor, pitched forward gasping for breath while Quinlan hugged him tightly around the shoulders.
The room was dark, the timer-controlled lights having shut off hours ago for the evening, but a few lamp droids hovered in the air, brought in by the three youths. Qui-Gon couldn’t see his Padawan’s face, but he recognized his posture. Obi-Wan hadn’t had an attack like this for years, not since Bant had been kidnapped and nearly murdered.
The Jedi Master knelt down in front of the boys. “Obi-Wan,” he said gently. “Look at me.”
Reluctantly, Kenobi lifted his head. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he fought for air through flared nostrils, his jaw clenched tight to hold back his emotions.
“You’re safe, young one. Quinlan’s got you. You can relax now.”
Obi-Wan locked eyes with his Master and blinked through his tears.
“That’s right. Calm your breathing. Take a deep breath and let it pass.”
Quinlan exchanged glances with the Jedi Master. “What’s happening?” he asked, trying to keep his own worry at bay.
“Obi-Wan has been under a lot of stress lately.”
Vos squeezed Kenobi tighter as he slowly began to relax. “Looks like we over did it, brother.”
Obi-Wan snorted his agreement.
“Perhaps you should take a break from sparring for a few days.”
After his apprentice seemed sufficiently calm, Qui-Gon excused Quinlan and Bant, thanking them for coming to get him.
When they were alone, Obi-Wan began to crumble, no longer having the energy to hide how he felt. His head drooped forward and he began to cry quietly. Qui-Gon’s heart tightened in his chest and he reached out, placing a hand on his Padawan’s head. “Oh, young one.”
“I know what happened was the will of the Force,” Obi-Wan said, clearly drained, his voice exhausted, “but how am I supposed to move on, Master? How can I let go of what happened when my body is a constant reminder?”
Realization dropped over Qui-Gon like a shroud. The boy’s scars. Every mark on his skin was a reminder of all that had happened.
“I suffered for her.” Obi-Wan’s voice was tight with pain, his head still hanging forward. “Every time I look in the mirror, all I can think of is her. And everything I endured to protect her.”
Qui-Gon pulled the boy into his arms. He had no real solution for his Padawan. The burden he carried was heavy, one that would never go away.
“All I can offer you is that time will lessen the pain.”
“It’s all so unfair.”
The older Jedi fought his own emotions. Feeling his Padawan’s anguish was heartbreaking. And it brought up his own raw memories. “It isn’t fair,” he said. “And it will always hurt, Obi-Wan. But with time, the pain will dull. It won’t occupy every waking moment. And with distance, you will gain a new perspective. But right now, it simply hurts.” He swallowed thickly. “I know from experience.”
Obi-Wan tightened his grip on his Master. “Tahl.”
Qui-Gon nodded.
“How did you ever heal after she died?”
“By acknowledging what little time we had was a beautiful gift.”
Obi-Wan pulled back and looked at his Master. “But you know Tahl loved you, right until the end. Satine hates me now. And I have only myself to blame.”
“Do you really believe what you did to save her life was wrong?”
“I don’t know anymore. I felt certain I had done the right thing at the time, but her response made me question myself.”
“In the moment, what were your feelings?”
“I don’t think I had any feelings in the critical moment. When Gorfod and his son went for Satine, it was as though the Force took over my actions. I was dispassionate.”
“If what you say is true, then you must know the Force would never lead you astray, Obi-Wan.”
Calm came over Kenobi’s posture as the idea settled in his mind.
“When you truly become a vessel for the Force, remarkable feats are possible. It sounds to me as though it was a moment of incredible growth for you as a Jedi.”
“Yes, it felt like that.”
“Then take comfort in that knowledge. Satine may not be able to understand your motives right now, but at least you know you did your duty. Everything you endured, every scar, was a step on your journey that put you in the perfect frame of mind at the most important moment during our mission.” He smiled gently. “It’s actually a beautiful way to interpret your experience.”
Kenobi nodded, accepting the idea, though he was not certain he was fully comfortable with it yet. Part of him felt that he deserved this pain, as though it were a punishment for breaking the Code. He had strayed dangerously far off course with Satine, but the Force had guided him back to safety. If Qui-Gon was right, in the throne room Obi-Wan had taken another step toward being a proper Jedi Knight. He would lean into this knowledge, lean into the Force’s guidance, and never stray from the Code again. He would learn from his mistakes.
“Remember,” Qui-Gon said, placing a hand on his apprentice’s shoulder, “if things feel difficult, it means you’re resisting the will of the Force. Relax into its energy and it will be your compass.”
“Yes, Master.” Obi-Wan wiped his eyes, starting to recover. “Thank you for not telling Bant and Quinlan about…well, about anything that’s happened. I’d hate for them to think I’d cracked.”
“Your friends would never think of you as weak, Obi-Wan.”
“Thank you, Master.”
Qui-Gon helped his apprentice to his feet and walked with him back to their rooms. As he got back in bed he replayed the last year in his head, as he often did. He thought of everything his student had been through, and his last thoughts before drifting off to sleep was that a lesser Jedi would have turned to the dark side after enduring torture and heartbreak.
But not Obi-Wan Kenobi.
If their mission to Mandalore hadn’t corrupted Obi-Wan’s heart, then nothing could.
——————–
END NOTES
For anyone who isn’t familiar, Tahl was Qui-Gon’s love interest in the Jedi Apprentice novels. They are not canon.
NEXT CHAPTER: We go back to present day Obi-Wan and Satine. They finally have the conversation they’ve been avoiding for 15 years.
Thank you for reading!
Reblogs, likes, and comments are very welcome!
Much love!
——————–
READ IT ON AO3 - Kudos and Comments Welcome :-)
SUMMARY: Please excuse me while I rip your heart from your chest… heartbreak and more anxiety attacks in this chapter. This is the Mandalorian conclusion. We’ll go back to “present” day in the next chapter.
TRIGGER WARNING! For anyone prone to anxiety attacks, please use caution later in the chapter. As a person who has anxiety attacks, I know reading about them can dredge up feelings. So please take care.
——————–
CHAPTER 26
Mandalore
The next afternoon, Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon went before the Duchess and her full court to take formal leave. Emotions were mixed; not all Mandalorians approved of the Jedi, but even the most fervid nationalists felt particular respect for Obi-Wan Kenobi who had not only rescued their sovereign but also foiled a plot to overthrow what remained of their government.
Even so, Kenobi seemed gaunt to Qui-Gon, as though he had pulled his Force energy so tightly around him that he was beginning to shrink in on himself. The young man clearly had not slept; he was pale and had dark circles under his eyes, and he averted his gaze all morning, as though he could not bear to look at anyone. The older Jedi wondered if Satine had taken his advice and gone to his Padawan’s room. If she had, it obviously hadn’t gone well.
In fact, the Duchess had not gone to Obi-Wan. He waited all night, wondering if she would come. He could not go to her, especially now that she was constantly surrounded by her praetorian guard. But no knock ever came; with each passing hour Kenobi became more and more certain that she no longer cared for him.
As they entered the throne room and walked up the aisle toward the dais, Qui-Gon walked with a long, noble posture, but Obi-Wan, the hero, kept his eyes lowered. He would need every ounce of self-control to get through this.
“Duchess,” Qui-Gon said, formally bowing. “We have come to take our leave.”
“I am most sorry to see you go,” Satine replied, her voice strong and regal. “All of Mandalore is in your debt.” Her tone softened slightly. “Iam forever in your debt.”
“There is no debt, my lady. It is our honor to protect and serve those in need. We wish you every happiness and success.”
She bowed, accepting his good wishes on behalf of her people. “The Jedi will be our allies from this day forward.”
“A welcome change from our contentious history.”
“Indeed. Let this be the beginning of a more peaceful Mandalore.” She held her hand out.
Qui-Gon stepped forward and kissed it. “I wish you every good fortune, Duchess. May the Force be with you.”
“Farewell, Master Jedi. My gratitude travels home with you. May the Force protect you always.”
Qui-Gon stepped back.
Now it was Obi-Wan’s turn. As he stepped toward Satine’s outstretched hand, the court sent up a cheer. Under other circumstances, it may have been a joyous monument, but instead it sent a painful stab into the young man’s heart. He clenched his jaw and willed himself to remain in control. He took Satine’s fingers in his and gently kissed the back of her hand. “My lady,” he managed to get out.
The crowd still cheered, and no one could have overheard their exchange, but Satine simply said, “I thank you for everything, Padawan Kenobi.”
Kenobi’s throat tightened at her formality. That’s it then, he thought. He stepped back, letting her hand slip from his.
The crowd quieted and Satine said, “Go in peace, Jedi. And remember, Mandalore will always be a friend to you.”
The two men bowed and turned to leave.
The ordeal was over.
This had been one of the most challenging missions Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan had ever faced. Their duty was done and it was time to move on to the next person in need.
As they walked through the palace toward the landing pad where their shuttle awaited, Obi-Wan felt like he was in a daze.
It was ending.
He knew it was ending.
He would never see Satine again.
After everything that had happened, how could it resolve like this?
If not for Qui-Gon’s presence beside him, he may never have made it up the ramp onto the ship. He crossed the threshold from one world into the other and he didn’t look back. He couldn’t bear to see that Satine wasn’t there, wasn’t running after him, wasn’t trying to stop him. As the shuttle ramp closed, all the blood drained from his head and he quickly had to sit down next to his Master. His hands were shaking and his breathing was noticeably heavy.
The Jedi temple guards piloted the ship off the landing pad, and as they exited the atmosphere and entered hyperspace, Obi-Wan broke down. He didn’t sob, he just sat there as tears silently poured down his cheeks, his eyes glassy and defeated.
Qui-Gon could feel the boy’s anguish. “Remember, young one,” he said gently, “the Force has its reasons.”
Obi-Wan swallowed thickly, his eyes never shifting. “Yes, Master.”
The older Jedi wanted to do something for his apprentice, wanted to take his pain away and comfort him. But before Jinn could say or do anything, Kenobi turned away and tucked his head against the seat. “I need to sleep,” he said flatly. He closed his eyes and pretended to rest, but all he could focus on was the way his heart bled in his chest.
——————–
Readjusting to life at the Temple was strange at first. One does not easily set down the mantle of suspicion and survivalism and simply return to normal. For weeks Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan caught themselves bristling, searching for signs of threat when there were none. Neither had fully appreciated how heightened their sense of danger had become over the past year. Each struggled in their own way to reestablish a comfortable routine.
The fact that Kenobi looked slightly different did not escape the Council’s notice. The visible scaring on his face, hands, and arms were the obvious tells, but when the two Jedi returned to the Temple, each needed medical care. Qui-Gon’s wounds were recent, but Kenobi had injuries under injuries, and the healers saw them while the young man was suspended in bacta. The Council questioned Qui-Gon about Obi-Wan but the Jedi Master kept the promise he made to his student and simply replied that his Padawan had sacrificed a great deal in order to keep the Duchess safe.
In the weeks since their return, Qui-Gon tried to give Obi-Wan space. Though he hid it well from others, the young man was grieving. Jinn knew his apprentice wasn’t sleeping or eating very much, but what worried the older Jedi most was how silent Obi-Wan had become. He hardly ever spoke, not during classes, not with his friends, not even when he sat one-on-one across from his master for tea. He tended their house plants more than usual and he sparred often, usually with Quinlan Vos. There was a darkness hanging over Kenobi, a battle between anger and sadness.
Qui-Gon wanted to help, but he could not force his apprentice to talk. All he could do was hover invisibly and keep the young man under a watchful eye; after all, grief was a path to the dark side.
But, his carefully constructed distance collapsed one evening, whether by accident or by the Force’s intervention he would never be sure.
Very late one night, Qui-Gon was roused from a shallow sleep by someone banging on his door. Bant Eerin, one of Obi-Wan’s sweet friends, bowed respectfully when the Jedi Master appeared, but she was agitated. “Master Qui-Gon, I’m sorry to wake you but we need your help.”
“We?”
“Yes, Quinlan and I. Something has happened with Obi-Wan and we don’t know what to do.”
Jinn swung around to look at his Padawan’s bedroom door and saw that it stood open, the lights off. “I didn’t know he had gone out.”
“He never went to bed.”
“Lead the way, Bant, and tell me what’s happened.”
They started down the corridor and headed toward the lifts as the young Mon Calamari explained as best she could. “Obi-Wan and Quinlan were sparring again. They’ve been at it for hours, sort of messing around but also trying to develop new form combinations. We all decided to stay up late.” They entered the lift and it descended toward the practice hall. “Well, actually, we didn’t want to leave Obi-Wan alone so we stayed up with him. He’s been acting strange ever since you got back. But something happened a few minutes ago.” Her voice softly died out and she shook her head as though confused.
“What happened?” Qui-Gon gently encouraged.
“He just sort of collapsed.”
“Why didn’t you send for a healer?” he questioned, unable to keep the surprise from his tone.
“He begged us not to. After Quinlan threaten him, he finally told me to come get you instead of a healer.”
Qui-Gon wasn’t sure what he would find when he arrived in the practice salles, but he didn’t expect to find Obi-Wan sitting on the floor, pitched forward gasping for breath while Quinlan hugged him tightly around the shoulders.
The room was dark, the timer-controlled lights having shut off hours ago for the evening, but a few lamp droids hovered in the air, brought in by the three youths. Qui-Gon couldn’t see his Padawan’s face, but he recognized his posture. Obi-Wan hadn’t had an attack like this for years, not since Bant had been kidnapped and nearly murdered.
The Jedi Master knelt down in front of the boys. “Obi-Wan,” he said gently. “Look at me.”
Reluctantly, Kenobi lifted his head. Tears streamed down his cheeks as he fought for air through flared nostrils, his jaw clenched tight to hold back his emotions.
“You’re safe, young one. Quinlan’s got you. You can relax now.”
Obi-Wan locked eyes with his Master and blinked through his tears.
“That’s right. Calm your breathing. Take a deep breath and let it pass.”
Quinlan exchanged glances with the Jedi Master. “What’s happening?” he asked, trying to keep his own worry at bay.
“Obi-Wan has been under a lot of stress lately.”
Vos squeezed Kenobi tighter as he slowly began to relax. “Looks like we over did it, brother.”
Obi-Wan snorted his agreement.
“Perhaps you should take a break from sparring for a few days.”
After his apprentice seemed sufficiently calm, Qui-Gon excused Quinlan and Bant, thanking them for coming to get him.
When they were alone, Obi-Wan began to crumble, no longer having the energy to hide how he felt. His head drooped forward and he began to cry quietly. Qui-Gon’s heart tightened in his chest and he reached out, placing a hand on his Padawan’s head. “Oh, young one.”
“I know what happened was the will of the Force,” Obi-Wan said, clearly drained, his voice exhausted, “but how am I supposed to move on, Master? How can I let go of what happened when my body is a constant reminder?”
Realization dropped over Qui-Gon like a shroud. The boy’s scars. Every mark on his skin was a reminder of all that had happened.
“I suffered for her.” Obi-Wan’s voice was tight with pain, his head still hanging forward. “Every time I look in the mirror, all I can think of is her. And everything I endured to protect her.”
Qui-Gon pulled the boy into his arms. He had no real solution for his Padawan. The burden he carried was heavy, one that would never go away.
“All I can offer you is that time will lessen the pain.”
“It’s all so unfair.”
The older Jedi fought his own emotions. Feeling his Padawan’s anguish was heartbreaking. And it brought up his own raw memories. “It isn’t fair,” he said. “And it will always hurt, Obi-Wan. But with time, the pain will dull. It won’t occupy every waking moment. And with distance, you will gain a new perspective. But right now, it simply hurts.” He swallowed thickly. “I know from experience.”
Obi-Wan tightened his grip on his Master. “Tahl.”
Qui-Gon nodded.
“How did you ever heal after she died?”
“By acknowledging what little time we had was a beautiful gift.”
Obi-Wan pulled back and looked at his Master. “But you know Tahl loved you, right until the end. Satine hates me now. And I have only myself to blame.”
“Do you really believe what you did to save her life was wrong?”
“I don’t know anymore. I felt certain I had done the right thing at the time, but her response made me question myself.”
“In the moment, what were your feelings?”
“I don’t think I had any feelings in the critical moment. When Gorfod and his son went for Satine, it was as though the Force took over my actions. I was dispassionate.”
“If what you say is true, then you must know the Force would never lead you astray, Obi-Wan.”
Calm came over Kenobi’s posture as the idea settled in his mind.
“When you truly become a vessel for the Force, remarkable feats are possible. It sounds to me as though it was a moment of incredible growth for you as a Jedi.”
“Yes, it felt like that.”
“Then take comfort in that knowledge. Satine may not be able to understand your motives right now, but at least you know you did your duty. Everything you endured, every scar, was a step on your journey that put you in the perfect frame of mind at the most important moment during our mission.” He smiled gently. “It’s actually a beautiful way to interpret your experience.”
Kenobi nodded, accepting the idea, though he was not certain he was fully comfortable with it yet. Part of him felt that he deserved this pain, as though it were a punishment for breaking the Code. He had strayed dangerously far off course with Satine, but the Force had guided him back to safety. If Qui-Gon was right, in the throne room Obi-Wan had taken another step toward being a proper Jedi Knight. He would lean into this knowledge, lean into the Force’s guidance, and never stray from the Code again. He would learn from his mistakes.
“Remember,” Qui-Gon said, placing a hand on his apprentice’s shoulder, “if things feel difficult, it means you’re resisting the will of the Force. Relax into its energy and it will be your compass.”
“Yes, Master.” Obi-Wan wiped his eyes, starting to recover. “Thank you for not telling Bant and Quinlan about…well, about anything that’s happened. I’d hate for them to think I’d cracked.”
“Your friends would never think of you as weak, Obi-Wan.”
“Thank you, Master.”
Qui-Gon helped his apprentice to his feet and walked with him back to their rooms. As he got back in bed he replayed the last year in his head, as he often did. He thought of everything his student had been through, and his last thoughts before drifting off to sleep was that a lesser Jedi would have turned to the dark side after enduring torture and heartbreak.
But not Obi-Wan Kenobi.
If their mission to Mandalore hadn’t corrupted Obi-Wan’s heart, then nothing could.
——————–
END NOTES
For anyone who isn’t familiar, Tahl was Qui-Gon’s love interest in the Jedi Apprentice novels. They are not canon.
NEXT CHAPTER: We go back to present day Obi-Wan and Satine. They finally have the conversation they’ve been avoiding for 15 years.
Thank you for reading!
Reblogs, likes, and comments are very welcome!
Much love!
——————–
READ IT ON AO3 - Kudos and Comments Welcome :-)
Focus
An Obi-Wan Kenobi x Reader Fanfic
Author Notes: Ahhhh- 200 followers on the same day the Kenobi show airs? I’m truly blessed. Please enjoy this Kenobi one-shot because I love this man and his pretty hands. Also, there isn’t a set time period where this takes place so imagine whatever version of him you want!
Fandom: Star Wars
Relationship: Obi-Wan Kenobi x AFAB Gender!Neutral Reader
Content: 2.3k words (reminder, I’m awful at using tenses correctly in writing, so if you see a mistake, no you didn’t-)
Summary: Obi-Wan starts to notice how you pay a little too much attention to his lightsaber training and decides to take it upon himself to help you focus.
Warnings: Jedi Code? Never heard of it, Swearing, Shameless smut, AFAB based smut, No descriptions other than reader has a vagina, Vaginal fingering, Obi-Wan is a tease, Anakin is a cockblock.
I Do Not Allow My Works To Be Reposted, Reuploaded, Or Reused- Even If You Give Credit.
While some of my works may not be NSFW specifically, my page is still 18+, minors please do not interact.
[I highly recommend listening to Lana Del Rey- specifically ‘Lust For Life’, ‘Blue Jeans”, and ‘Burning Desire’- while you read this. I wrote this while listening to them and it heavily influenced me.]
.
.
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It wasn’t your fault that your eyes seemed to linger for a little longer than approprite, Obi-Wan was an attractive man. An attractive man with verynice hands. Could anyone really fault you for staring? He moved like the wind carried him. The slow hum of his lightsaber cut through the air as he recited practiced movements. He was graceful and calculated; there was a reason he was a Jedi Master after all. Honestly, you couldn’t even remember why he had invited you to watch him practice, but you weren’t about to argue. Your stare traveled across his form, appreciating the way his robes clung to his body and his limbs moved in time with each other before your eyes inevitably settled on his hands. Deft fingers clutched at the saber’s handle as it was effortlessly twirled in his grasp. Stars, the things you imagined those hands doing. You blinked away your drifting thoughts as Obi-Wan stilled, spinning the saber between his fingers as he halted all other movement. Confused, you tore you gaze away to look up at him only to find him staring back at you, his mischievous little smirk settled on his lips.
“Focused, darling?” he teased as his thumb brushed against the base of the saber as he deactivated it. You huffed and you quickly cast you gaze away from him as he chuckled. “You know, you really shouldn’t think so loudly in my presence, I don’t need to use the Force when you’re practically screaming your thoughts at me.” Your eyes widened as they snapped to him with a look of horror. He grinned at you as his eyes swam with unabashed mirth. He was teasing you that little shit-
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” you huffed as you crossed your arms, narrowing your eyes at him.
“Whatever helps you sleep at night,” he mused as he slipped his saber into its holster that hung at his hip. You rolled your eyes as your cheeks burned. This man would be the death of you, you were certain of it. You refused to look at him as he approached you, you knew that looking at his unfiltered smirk would make your knees buckle as he all but stalked towards you.
Obi-Wan has always been, for lack of better words, a minx. Strong-willed and confident, yet not overly so, he was modest in the best of times and yet he knew of his effect on people, on you. He was different around others though, a guided leader with an ever present flame for the future. He would no doubt, and already has, lead his people to glory. And yet as he stood in front of you, leaning forwards and peering down at your smaller from, his energy swam with confidence. With you he was no Jedi Master- he was only a man.
“Obi-Wan,” you groaned with a warning as you shifted away from his towering frame.
“Yes, dear?” he hummed, your response effectively widening his grin, “Is there a problem?” You shot him a glare that stirred a chuckle out of him. “No need to be so modest, dear, what happened to your confident stare? Can you no longer meet my eyes?” You went to shy away, but as he lifted his hand, his earthy robes sliding up his forearm as he reached out, you froze in his presence. The soft pads of his fingers found your chin as he tilted your head back towards him, giving you no other option than to look up at him. “Focus, darling.”
“Obi…,” you breathed, air catching in your throat as you met his steady gaze. Fondness licked behind his eyes as he took you in, his fingertips brushing against the soft skin of your cheek as you let yourself sink into his touch. He leaned forwards, hovering over you as you tilted your head back to keep eye contact while he towered over you. He breathed out your name and the sound sent sinful shivers down your spine.
“Would you let me kiss you if I asked?” he hushed out as his tongue darted out to wet his lips. You sucked in a breath as your eyes widened. Maker, yes. Of course you would. He shuddered as his eyes fell closed, lowering himself so his forehead rested against yours. “Do you not even try to silence your thoughts, dear?” he asked with no more than a whisper. There was no doubt in your mind that he knew how badly you wanted him, if his heavy breathing and solid grip against your chin was anything to go off of.
“Would…wouldyoukissme if I asked?” you breathed out as he opened his eyes again to meet yours.
“I would do anything you asked of me,” he hummed as he tilted his head, shifting to brush his nose against yours.
“Anything,” you muttered, “that’s dangerous territory, Kenobi.” His confident smirk returned as he lowered his lips to brush against yours, yet he didn’t kiss you.
“I may already have a few ideas of what you want, dear,” he purred as his hand shifted from your chin to brush against the sensitive skin of your throat. His other hand came up to slide around your waist as he tugged you closer, “you need only ask.” Your breath caught in your throat again as your mind wandered into sinful territory. His firm hands on your body only aided in the ache to have them running across every expanse of your form. “Use your words, darling.” His lips brushed against yours as he spoke and you couldn’t resist the urge to seize forwards and capture them in your own. He returned the kiss heartedly, a relieved groan slipping from his lips to yours.
“Touch me,” you hummed out as your tongue slid across his lower lip. His hands flexed against your form as another shameless groan escaped him.
“You’ll have to show me,” he rushed, his hand sliding from your neck to push back into your hair, “don’t worry, I learn quickly. Just show me what you want me to do.” Kriff, he was going to end you with his words alone. One hand slid up his chest to ghost across the skin at the collar of his tunic as your other met his at your waist. His breathing hitched as he tugged your lower lip in between his teeth and your hand gripped his wrist as you started to tug it to the front of your body.
“Take my clothes off,” you insisted breathlessly and he didn’t have to be told twice. His hands moved to slide up your shirt, fingers raising goosebumps as they brushed against your stomach. He broke the kiss only to pull your shirt from your frame and he hastily tugged off his robe, your fingers dipping beneath his tunic.
“Maker,” he groaned as he pulled back to tug it off his shoulders. Immediately, your hands went to trail up the expanse of his stomach, running up his chest to wrap around his shoulders.
“Want you,” you breathed as your head dipped forwards to place feverish kisses against his neck. He groaned again as his hands followed the path yours made against his skin.
“Guide me,” he insisted as he slipped his hands under your own to do with as you pleased. You pulled his hands towards your body, slipping his fingers under the waistband of your pants. He sucked in a breath as he tilted his head back, his fingers brushing against your hips. Slowly, he wrapped his digits around the fabric and pulled them down, the hot skin of his fingers brushing across the curve of your ass as he slid them off of you. You heaved out a groan, softly sinking your teeth into the nape of his neck as his touch set off fireworks in your belly. He shuddered as his fingers worked their way passed the edge of your underwear. Carefully, you slid your fingers through his and aided him in pulling them down. As they fell to your ankles, Obi-Wan pulled back to drink you in. His hungry gaze raked across your naked form as your hands squeezed his into the skin of your hips.
“Touch me, Obi-Wan,” you practically moaned as you tugged his hand closer to your front. You released his other hand as it slid up your spine to cup the back of your neck. His eyes searched your reactions as you slid his hand between your thighs. You moaned unapologetically as his hand ghosted between your folds. He let out his own groan as his fingers slid against your wetness.
“All this for me, darling?” he asked, his voice raspy as his eyes darkened with lust. You let out a whine as you nodded, pushing his fingers against your core. “Show me how you like it.” You breathed out another whine as your fingers matched up with his. Pressing his middle two forwards, he dipped them into you with a groan. As you tilted your head back, his lips met your neck as his fingers curled inside of you. With a shuddered breath, you tugged his thumb up and guided it in a circle around you clit.
“Yes,” you moaned, your eyes sliding shut, “like that, just like that.” His skilled fingers worked you open, curling inside you as he rubbed delicious circles around your clit. Obi-Wan groaned against your neck as his hands elicited sinful moans from you. He kissed with fervor against your neck, his tongue sliding across your pulse to drink in your moans.
“Beautiful,” he groaned out as he sunk his teeth into your skin, eliciting a breathy whine as you bucked against his hand. He pressed his hips forwards, rutting up against your thigh as his fingers quickened inside of you. Fingertips brushed against your walls perfectly as white hot pleasure shot through your body. Close, you were so close. He took in your reactions, repeating what clearly pulled them from you as his thumb hurried against your clit.
“Kriff, Obi-Wan,” you whined as you bucked against his hand, his hips following your movements his he slid his clothed erection against your plush thigh.
“So soft,” he groaned as his pressed himself against you. He ran hot against your skin as his fingers worked quickly to pull you into your high, “going to cum for me, darling?” You let out a pitched moan as you gave him an insistent nod.
“Obi-Wan-kriff, almost there just-“ your pleas were suddenly interpreted as a voice called out through the cave.
“Obi-Wan? You in there, Master?” called Anakin’s voice from outside the mountain. Obi-Wan swore unapologetically as you were suddenly ripped from your high. You let out a panicked squeak as you tugged Obi-Wan’s hand from between your thighs and hastily worked to pull your clothes back onto your body. As you tugged your pants on, you glanced up just in time to see him licking his deft fingers clean as he reached for his tunic. Kriffing Anakin-you were going to murder that boy. Footsteps echoed across the walls as the both of you scrambled to pull your shirts on. Anakin stepped through the opening just as Obi-Wan slid his robes back on and you quickly smoothed out your shirt.
“Anakin,” Obi-Wan croaked out as he cleared his throat, “did you need something or are you simply here to bother me?”
“Well I tried reaching you on your communicator, but you’ve been ignoring me all day,” Anakin huffed out as his eyes slid from his master onto you, “clearly you’re busy with something important.” Your face burned and you resisted the urge to bolt out of the cave right then and there. Obi-Wan sent you a sheepish glance as he remembered turning off his communicator to avoid interruptions, clearly that worked so well.
“Yes, I was busy,” Obi-Wan huffed as he folded his arms across his chest, “I’ve been training.” Anakin raised an unconvinced eyebrow.
“Whatever you say Master,” Anakin chided as he turned to walk back out of the cave, “the council is having a meeting and I was sent to come get you since you obviously weren’t responding to their calls either.” Obi-Wan let out a sigh as he sent you an apologetic look. “Just hurry it up Master, I’ll be waiting outside.” And with that, Anakin left leaving you alone with Obi-Wan again.
“I’m sorry, dear,” he sighed as he lifted his hand to brush against your cheek, “I must go, but we can meet again tomorrow?” You shifted as if to contemplate his request, but who were you to say no to his pleading eyes? With a sigh, you nodded and sent him a soft smile. His shoulders slumped in relief as he leaned forwards to give you a quick kiss. “Then I will see you later, my darling.” With a final brush of his thumb against your cheek, he pulled away and hurried out of the cave. He sent you one last wave and a grin that made your heart thump wildly against your chest. You watched him leave as silence settled over the expanse of the cave.
Only one thought made you grin with delight as you readied yourself to head home; Obi-Wan was definitely going to have it out for Anakin for the foreseeable future.
.
.
.
Anakin you absolute menace, how dare you- oh right I made him do that- sorry, not sorry.
Through Thick and Thin - A.S
Anakin Skywalker x Fem Reader
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About: When Obi-Wan learns of Anakin’s turn to the dark side, he goes to Y/N to try and find him; what he gets instead changes everything and Anakin gets the answers he’s been waiting for.
A/N: this is my first time writing in months, please be kind! Need to get back to my flow lol
Word Count: 2057
Warnings: murder, death, blood, mention of parent loss.
“He killed younglings, Y/N!” Obi-Wan stressed, pacing around the room “Tell me where he is, I beg you.”
You stared at your husbands Jedi Master, contemplating if you should tell him the truth - betraying your husband and revealing his whereabouts or to lie and protect him. After all, you knew what Obi-Wan was going to do.
You knew that Anakin was capable of taking lives, especially the lives of women and children after he murdered the Tusken Raiders - you weren’t afraid of him when he confessed and you certainly didn’t shame him for it; you could understand his anger, his hate, his need for revenge.
Anakin’s back was facing you, he stared at the wall, hot tears streaming down his face.
“I killed them.” he paused, catching his breath “I killed them all. They’re dead, every single one of them.”
Anakin slowly turned around to face you, his face stained with tears, his eyes glassy and red.
You stared at him, trying not to judge him for what he had done - knowing that if you did, you would be the biggest hypocrite known to man.
“And not just the men,” Anakin inched closer to you, shaking his head “but the women and the children too.”
You froze.
Women, like you.
Children, like the ones you adored at the Jedi Temple, children you dreamed of having with Anakin.
Part of you died hearing his confession, but you remembered how you felt when you were finally left alone in a room with your fathers killer. You too would’ve killed his wife and the other women and children in their village. You would wipe them all out.
“They’re like animals, and I slaughtered them like animals.” Anakin started to raise his voice, his pearly white teeth shining in the light “I hate them!”
Anakin dumped himself to the floor, bringing his knees to his chest, more tears falling from his eyes; you placed your hand against his face, wiping away his tears with your thumb.
“It’s okay to feel angry, it’s okay to hate them after what they did.” You said softly, casting circles on his cheek with your thumb.
“I’m a Jedi,” his eyes searched yours, his hand reaching for yours, holding it tightly “I know I’m better than this.”
You sighed, kissing his hand softly “Don’t let what you’ve done define you, Ani.”
“How can I come back from this?” He asked in frustration “How can I move forward if Obi-Wan is holding me back!”
“You find a way,” you encouraged him “even if it means going against him… and the council.”
“You’re going to kill him, aren’t you?” You asked quietly.
Obi-Wan didn’t answer, he swallowed hard and looked at the pale lilac carpet.
“Why do I get the feeling you’re going to be the death of me?”
“Don’t say that Master… You’re the closest thing I have to a father… I love you. I don’t want to cause you pain.”
“He has slain younglings, Y/N! I saw his callousness with my own eyes!” Obi-Wan raised his voice, “Anakin has sided with Palpatine! He’s the sith lord!”
You started to laugh, waving your hand.
‘Of course, Obi-Wan and the council are pinning this on Palpatine, making him the bad guy.’ you thought.
“It’s funny,” you speak up swinging your right leg over your left knee “you and the council painting Palpatine as evil.”
The Jedi Master stared at you in horror and couldn’t believe the words coming out of your mouth - his heart splitting into tiny fragments, the young girl he raised was defending the chosen one - the young boy who had grown up with bouts of pent up hate and anger, and turned to the dark side.
“Palpatine is the only person other than me who truly cares for Anakin, who never lectures him for his feelings, who never holds him back.”
Obi-Wan felt sick.
“I don’t know where he is,” you lied “even if I did, I’m not telling you.”
“Don’t make this harder for me than it needs to be,” Obi-Wan warned you, remembering the Jedi Code, pushing his memories with you and Anakin aside.
You didn’t flinch, instead, you sat back down on the sofa, staring at the beautiful sparkling wedding ring on your finger.
“I don’t want to go back,” you sighed, dragging your feet through inches of deep, sparkling snow “I’ve missed being home.”
Anakin nervously fidgeted with the ring box in his pocket, practising his words over and over and over, making sure he got them perfect, his body freezing, his hair full of snowflakes.
“I’m so thankful you came here with me, Ani.” You smiled, “My dad would’ve loved you.”
Realising that Anakin wasn’t following you, you stopped in your tracks and turned around, finding your boyfriend down on one knee.
“Ani-”
“From the day we met, I have never been able to shake you from my mind and heart.”
Your eyes filled with tears and your goggles started to steam up.
“I never got to ask for your father’s blessing, but that won’t stop me.”
You focused on the ring, realising it was the same one that your father always showed you as a child, with his plan to give to you in hopes that you would pass it on to your children.
“Y/N, my love, will you marry me?”
You nodded your head, removing your glove, exposing your warm skin to the freezing air that instantly started to nip at your skin.
“Yes,” you smiled, more tears falling from your eyes “I will marry you, Anakin.”
“Your father would be ashamed of you, you’re becoming the very thing he hated, you’re sleeping with the enemy!”
The rage you once felt started to ignite deep inside you as Obi-Wan tried to sour one of the greatest moments of your life.
You stood up, and walked over to him, staring him down.
“You know better than to bring up my father, Obi-Wan.”
Anakin tried to catch his breath, stumbling backwards in extreme pain, the sound of your screams ringing in his ears. You were hurt, probably dead with the amount of pain Anakin was experiencing.
His heart started pounding, his ears ringing, feeling sick to his stomach - you couldn’t be… could you?who could’ve done this? why?
“I have these nightmares…” Anakin opened up to you “what I see, happens.”
You stroked Anakin’s head, your fingertips massaging his scalp, your lips brushing against his neck.
“I had them about my mother before she died, I wasn’t strong enough to save her.”
You stopped massaging his scalp, and pulled away, looking into his blue eyes - full of tears that pooled up over his waterline.
“You are strong and you get even stronger the more you learn and experience,” you paused “I was strong - not strong enough to save my dad, but now I probably would’ve had a better chance of doing so. We move forward.”
Your fiance nodded his head, pursing his lips and kissing you softly, still emotional when he pulled away from the kiss.
“I don’t want to dream of you like that- I don’t want the nightmares - I can’t… I can’t lose you…”
You shook your head, cupping Anakin’s face in your hands “You won’t lose me, Ani.”
Anakin didn’t know but he would soon find out, killing the last of the separatist leaders on Mustafar, he boarded his ETA-2 Jedi Starfighter and set off in a hurry; desperate to find you.
You were in utter shock.
Your hands trembling, your forehead burning, the room closing in on you yet expanding at the same time and your throat like sandpaper from your constant screaming.
It all happened so fast - Obi-Wan striking for you, your leg being severed off faster than you could realise until you fell down and all you could feel was agonising pain, and the smell of burning flesh filling the room, the blood boiling in your veins.
You sat on the floor, your back propped up against the back of the sofa, dragging yourself across the floor proved difficult since you stopped practising your upper body workouts.
Looking across the room, your eyes landed on Obi-Wan, no longer breathing - how you did it? you didn’t know - you managed to take control, more power than you ever had in your life, your fury spitting inside of you begging for release.
Do you feel guilty? Now that you think about it, no.
Obi-Wan attempted to end your life and he would take Anakin’s life too.
Bringing the back of your hand up to your forehead, you wiped away the beads of sweat, your chest rising and falling.
Anakin jumped out of his Starfighter, his hood shielding his face, his long strides bringing him closer and closer to you, his eyes no longer a beautiful shade of blue, but like the two suns on Tatooine during sunset.
She can’t be. Y/N can’t be dead. Not now. Not ever.
Getting closer and closer, Anakin could sense death, pain, and suffering.
The door swung open as Anakin stormed in, searching for you frantically until his eyes landed on your amputated leg in the middle of the room, his face drained of all its colour.
Your screams came back to him, the searing sound of Obi-Wan’s lightsaber severing your leg, the loud thud as you fell to the floor and then the walls shaking, everything shaking, your yells, Obi-Wan’s voice breaking before his body dropped lifelessly to the floor.
Anakin glanced over to his Jedi Masters lifeless body and stared, his eyes burning holes into Obi-Wans back, wanting nothing more than to revive him just so he could have the pleasure of murdering him for what he had done to you.
You peeked your head out from behind the sofa, “Ani,” you winced, “I’m back here.”
Anakin rushed to your side, his eyes pouring with tears as he searched your face and body for more injuries; the sight of your wound hurt him deeply.
How could Obi-Wan do this to you? How could anyone do such a thing to the chosen one’s wife?
“Are you-are you-”
“Ani,” you tried to calm him down breathlessly “just my leg, nothing-nothing else.”
Anakin scooped you into his arms as gently as he could, you held onto him for support, moving one of your arms around his neck, your tear-stained face hiding in his chest, his heartbeat thumping against your ear comforting you.
“I thought you were dead,” Anakin croaked, carrying you away, his robes hiding you in his arms.
“Obi-Wan came to me, he needed to know where you were so he could kill you,” you admitted, “he told me that you killed younglings.”
Anakin slowed down, you pulled your head out of his chest and looked into his eyes.
“Did you believe him?” Anakin asked, his tone harsh.
You paused for a moment, slightly afraid that Anakin might drop you.
“I know that you have killed children before,” you replied quietly, “he told me that Palpatine is the sith lord… that you are his apprentice-”
“What do you think of Palpatine?” Anakin’s eyes rummaged through yours.
She can’t turn against me - she won’t. I won’t let her.
“I think that he’s the only other person aside from me who has ever encouraged you to show your emotions, to use them to make you stronger.”
Anakin’s eyes fixed on your face like glue “what if he is the sith lord, and I have joined him? what would you think of me”
You sighed, closing your eyes, imagining the perfect life with your husband; you and him never in harms way, children of your own growing up without a clue of what it’s like to lose a parent, to be a slave.
“I would encourage you to overthrow him, and together you and I can rule the galaxy,”
You opened your eyes, everything coming back to you, your father’s death, how it felt to slaughter a whole family.
“make things the way we want them to be.”
Anakin gripped onto you tightly, a prideful grin spreading across his face.
“Everyone turned against me but you.” He said softly, kissing you.
“What if you hate what I become?” your boyfriend stressed, pacing up and down.
“I could never hate you, Anakin,” you walked over to him, linking your arm with his metal one"I’ll be with you through thick and thin.“
tags:@autobotrosestark
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