What Is Revenge & How It Can Affect Our Relationships With Others & Ourselves

We have all been hurt by someone once or twice, or even more at some point in our lives. Some of these things can be very little or have a huge negative impact in someone’s life such as ignoring a text or murder of a family member in extreme cases. So what does it mean to get revenge? Revenge is a complicated and complex emotion and it often stems from anger, rage and feelings of betrayal which are our primal instincts that makes us survive in the physical world. When someone breaks several of our boundaries, we instantly feel shock, devastation, trauma and grief which can be very distressing, so much so that some people gravitate towards anger to get justice. This is where revenge comes into play - and it can get very nasty, very quickly.

Our amygdala, which is the gland that rules our emotions and sense of survival in our brain - lights up when danger is ahead or has happened. This gland controls our fight/flight/freeze mechanism which causes us to either get angry (fight), feel anxious and fearful (flight) or be in complete despair and terror (freeze). However, in revenge we switch to fight mode by getting angry over the hurt and injustice of what someone has done to us emotionally, mentally or physically. This why vengeance isn’t a beneficial emotion when it comes to understanding human psychology and behaviour. The act of revenge, no matter how small or large it is serves no purpose in the long-term as it creates more difficult and negative emotions.

Getting revenge can also become addictive in nature as it activates the pleasure and reward centres in the brain. Seeing someone who has hurt you - in pain can give you a rush of feel good hormones and neurotransmitters such as dopamine and endorphins, hence why we feel satisfied afterwards. However, this feeling is only temporary and it can have detrimental effects on our own emotional health and how we interact with others. After several months of getting revenge, we can begin to regret our actions and start to self-loathe; leading to severe depression. We also begin to become suspicious of others, which causes us to build walls around ourselves to help us stay protected from danger.

This leads to a fear of intimacy in relationships, which can cause conflict between two people. Due to the betrayal that has happened to us in the past, we find it hard to trust others because we fear that we are going to get hurt again at some point down the road. This is why emotional compatibility and good commication is so important when it comes to romantic relationships, because it allows both partners to express their feelings freely without fear or doubt. I believe that poor communication and emotional incompatibility is possibly one of the biggest reasons why many couples separate. Without good emotional compatibility, it is very difficult to maintain a healthy long term relationship.

Trust issues often stem from poor emotional intimacy between partners and this usually the case when we rush into serious relationships far too soon. This is why it is always a good idea to like someone as a person on a friendship level first, as doing so will build emotional intimacy slowly over time. I find a lot of people, particularly in the younger generation mistake lust for love; and this is why many young people go through quite a few break-ups before they meet the right person that is suitable for them.

Due to their developing emotional intelligence, younger people are also more likely to act out revenge, as they are more impulsive with their decision making. This makes them less likely to be aware of the consquences, so it increases the chances of getting revenge even more. As we get older, our emotional intelligence improves and we think about the consquences of our actions. However, this isn’t always the case; as there are people within the human population who have psychopathic and narcissistic tendancies in their personality and behavioural profile.

Due to significant damage (either by faulty genetics/mutations or a traumatic brain injury in early childhood) to the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex; this can cause changes to personality and the ability to feel emotions within ourselves and others. This is why psychopaths are so dangerous in our society. When there is damage to the prefrontal cortex, it can cause someone to become more aggressive and violent - and when you combine this with a lack of empathy due to an under-developed amydala; you have created a very hostile and unpredictable character.

When it comes to getting revenge, I think it is a lack of empathy that drives people to it; as anger and rage are emotions which are connected to our ego state of mind. Revenge is an act of an emotion which resides at a low vibration of consciousness, which is the ego and the wounded inner child. In actual fact, it is our wounded inner child that drives us to revenge as this the root centre of our pain. When someone does something to us that triggers this centre of our inner self; we begin to feel vulnerable, angry and raw - like someone has stabbed us in the back. So as a part of our survival, we fight back to help release the pain.

The message behind this post is that by creating suffering only leads to more suffering. The best revenge is to let go and create space for yourself, so you can grow to become the best version of yourself. Every experience we go through in life is there for a reason no matter how ‘good’ or 'bad’ it maybe. As humans, our brains love to label things and experiences according to our own perception. So let go of judgement, and live life more freely. Live in alignment of your higher self, whoever that may be to you.

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