Unconditional Love vs The Ego - What’s The Difference?

We have all heard of the term ‘unconditional love’ but what does it mean exactly? It is defined as the type of love that has no limitations or restrictive boundaries between two people. It is the complete acceptance of one another, their past hurts and traumas, their quirks and their imperfections. When you love someone unconditionally, you are still affectionate, compassionate and forgiving towards them; even when they annoy or upset you. This is the kind of relationship that many of us crave throughout life at any age; young or old. The reason is because unconditional love is the purest and highest vibration that a human being can experience. For some, it is the ultimate goal in their life.

However, one needs to go on a journey of introspection and self love to be able to experience real unconditional love. I always believe that to really know someone on a deeper level, one has to know themselves as well. By doing this you will begin to understand yourself much more; your emotions, your insecurities, your fears and your thoughts, which will help you become more open with your partner. This helps with building vulnerability, intimacy and trust between two people, which are essential for developing healthy, long-term and stable relationships. However, when we love someone conditionally or by our ego, this is where problems start to arise to the surface.

Unhealthy attachments, obessions, shame, guilt, fear, clinginess, narcissism and codependency all stem from our ego. You will know when you are in a conditional love based relationship because you will feel constantly empty inside when they are away from you or even when you are in their presence, but yet you still stay with them because you don’t want to feel lonely and disconnected. This is why many relationships breakdown, as many people mistake this kind of behaviour and love as normal, when it completely isn’t. Looking for love shouldn’t come from a place of searching to fill an empty part of you, as it isn’t a romantic partner’s responsibility. They can guide you along the way, but only to a certain point. Everyone has their own insecurites and imperfections and that’s okay. What is important here - is acceptance not aiming to be complete or free from flaws and emotional scars.

You will find that ego based love is always focused on the outside, never from within. These kind of relationships can spark up feelings of self-doubt and denial as well. Many people live in a delusion of being in a happy relationship, but inside they feel totally dissatisfied, leading to anxiety and depression. This is very common with people who are in codependent and dysfunctional relationships. Superficial relationships like this often show incompatibility between two people, hence why many partnerships break up very quickly and have very short timelines. Feelings of lust are one of the strongest components for developing superficial love, as you need to be magnetically drawn to them on a sexual level.

This is the common type of relationship which many people fall into when they feel like there is something empty inside themselves, so they look for someone who will have the responsibility to fill up that hole. Sometimes this can be a wound that has been inflicted upon us since we we children; such as a craving for love, validation and affection that we didn’t receive from our parents. This kind of trauma is possibly the biggest causes for love addiction. When we are children we are dependent on our parents to keep us warm, safe, loved and appreciated. This is why neglect and loneliness can be incredibly damaging to us as we grow into adults.

To overcome this, you can practice unconditional love to yourself to help you understand that you are not perfect and it is totally okay to feel any emotion - whether that is positive or negative. I find the more you judge and criticise yourself, the more you will criticise others. Completely let go of resistance and judgement of yourself - as doing this serves you no purpose at all. All it does is make you live in a bubble of negativity and negative energy. Allow yourself to surrender and release the urge to always be in control. You deserve to be happy and experience healthy and fulfilling relationships.

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Energetically Stuck? 4 Reasons Why The Law of Attraction Hasn’t Worked For You

In the spiritual community, we have all come across the philosophical concept behind the Law of Attraction; whether we have used it or not. The majority of us have, I have to say for one thing or another. Most of the time, we use the Law of Attraction to help us find a solution to problem or current situation - whether that may be. This is where the problem lies when it comes to manifestation. We often use the Law of Attraction in times of desperation, such as a lack of money, loss of a partner or job. When it comes to using the Law of Attraction, you have to remember that the universe acts like a mirror; so whatever perception you have of a particular situation - you will receive it whether it is positive or negative in nature.

You often find that many people who use this concept usually ask for abundance or their soulmate without doing the pre-requisites beforehand. This means on a soul and energetic level, you must clear away any negative beliefs and deep rooted fears that reside in your subconscious mind. Negative thoughts and beliefs can creep up into our conscious mind at any point, and they can be about anything that has happened to us. Most of the time, they are negative memories that have been stored into our brain over a period of time. This is known as our inner critic - the root of fear, low self-confidence and self-sabotage.

Our ego and wounded child use this tactic to keep us in our comfort zone and safe place. However, it doesn’t serve us when it comes to attracting positive things to our lives. Having fear when you are manifesting, is like starving a flame from having oxygen - it just doesn’t work. You need to feed your subconscious mind with positive thoughts before you begin to start manifesting things into your life. However, this can take a while especially if you have had a difficult past and sometimes it may require the assistance of a professional.

Here are the four main reasons why the Law of Attraction hasn’t worked for you:

1. Using the Law of Attraction out of desperation

As I have just mentioned before, the universe works like a mirror, so when you try to manifest something out of pure desperation; what you desire will become further and further away. This is because the feeling of desperation comes from the essence of fear and control. When we become desperate; we are afraid of losing someone or something out of fear, so we try chase the energetic flow, only to eventually find out that its not going to come into fruition. It is a bit like trying to chase an optical illusion; like a rainbow for instance. It just doesn’t work at all on an energetic level.

Law of Attraction Hack #1:

Instead of chasing and being desperate for positive changes, you must remember that you must surrender to the flow of life. When you let go of control and fear, you will become much more lighter and happier, which in the long term will help you attract the things that you truly desire in your life. It’s like what the old saying always says: “Things come into your life when you least expect them”. So surrender to the flow of life and you will begin to see more abundance happening around you.

2. Expecting what you desire to come to you on a plate without physically pursuing it in the real world

This is like asking the universe to give someone their dream job or romantic partner and expecting it to be on their doorstep. In the real world, it just doesn’t work like that unfortunately. You have to do the dirty work first, so that you can receive what you desire. This is particularly the case when it comes to finding the ideal partner. We would rather daydream about them instead of physically going through the dating process because deep down, we find it too overwhelming and stressful.

Law of Attraction Hack #2:

Get out there! Let yourself been seen and heard! Do not be afraid or fearful about what you are doing! See it as a positive step forward to where you want to be in your life and within yourself. Whether that is finding a new home, job or relationship - whatever it maybe, make yourself known!

3. Being far too specific and unrealistic about what you want from the universe

In some ways, I do think having expectations to some degree or another is a good thing. However, when it comes to manifesting, we can get carried away with the little details instead of focusing on the most important parts. This is very common especially when you want to ask the universe for a lover or a dream home. Remember that perfection doesn’t exist. See the beauty in the imperfections and let go of unrealistic high expectations you may have of yourself and the universe around you. Nothing in this world is perfect.

Law of Attraction Hack #3:

Write down your top five most important qualities, policies, values or traits you desire in a person or in a company you wish to work for. You can even use this method to help you manifest your dream family home too. By doing it this way, you don’t overthink and stress over what you desire - you just let go and allow yourself to trust the universe. Simplicity is always the best method when it comes to using the Law of Attraction.

4. Having negative thoughts or self-doubt when manifesting

Much like desperation, having negative thoughts and beliefs when you want to attract something into your life will instantly prevent you from receiving it from the universe. Negative energy and self-doubt do not serve you any purpose - all it leads to is anxiety, stress and depression. When you the universe that you subconsciously do not believe you deserve what you desire; you are basically telling it not to manifest it in the real world. Let go of your ego and have faith and trust in the universe. You derserve to have what you want in your life which will make you happy.

Law of Attraction Hack #4:

This is most probably the most challenging hacks on this list so far, as this requires continuous effort to undo the negative beliefs and thoughts that have been ingrained into us when we were children. Healing from these dysfunctional thought patterns can take time and sometimes requires a professional. There are numerous self-hypnosis sessions on YouTube which you can try for free. When it comes to healing from negative beliefs and past traumas, you want to heal your inner child. This is the centre of your insecurities, fear and doubt. Once you heal from your past, you will begin to attract the things that vibrate on the same level as you.

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What Is Revenge & How It Can Affect Our Relationships With Others & Ourselves

We have all been hurt by someone once or twice, or even more at some point in our lives. Some of these things can be very little or have a huge negative impact in someone’s life such as ignoring a text or murder of a family member in extreme cases. So what does it mean to get revenge? Revenge is a complicated and complex emotion and it often stems from anger, rage and feelings of betrayal which are our primal instincts that makes us survive in the physical world. When someone breaks several of our boundaries, we instantly feel shock, devastation, trauma and grief which can be very distressing, so much so that some people gravitate towards anger to get justice. This is where revenge comes into play - and it can get very nasty, very quickly.

Our amygdala, which is the gland that rules our emotions and sense of survival in our brain - lights up when danger is ahead or has happened. This gland controls our fight/flight/freeze mechanism which causes us to either get angry (fight), feel anxious and fearful (flight) or be in complete despair and terror (freeze). However, in revenge we switch to fight mode by getting angry over the hurt and injustice of what someone has done to us emotionally, mentally or physically. This why vengeance isn’t a beneficial emotion when it comes to understanding human psychology and behaviour. The act of revenge, no matter how small or large it is serves no purpose in the long-term as it creates more difficult and negative emotions.

Getting revenge can also become addictive in nature as it activates the pleasure and reward centres in the brain. Seeing someone who has hurt you - in pain can give you a rush of feel good hormones and neurotransmitters such as dopamine and endorphins, hence why we feel satisfied afterwards. However, this feeling is only temporary and it can have detrimental effects on our own emotional health and how we interact with others. After several months of getting revenge, we can begin to regret our actions and start to self-loathe; leading to severe depression. We also begin to become suspicious of others, which causes us to build walls around ourselves to help us stay protected from danger.

This leads to a fear of intimacy in relationships, which can cause conflict between two people. Due to the betrayal that has happened to us in the past, we find it hard to trust others because we fear that we are going to get hurt again at some point down the road. This is why emotional compatibility and good commication is so important when it comes to romantic relationships, because it allows both partners to express their feelings freely without fear or doubt. I believe that poor communication and emotional incompatibility is possibly one of the biggest reasons why many couples separate. Without good emotional compatibility, it is very difficult to maintain a healthy long term relationship.

Trust issues often stem from poor emotional intimacy between partners and this usually the case when we rush into serious relationships far too soon. This is why it is always a good idea to like someone as a person on a friendship level first, as doing so will build emotional intimacy slowly over time. I find a lot of people, particularly in the younger generation mistake lust for love; and this is why many young people go through quite a few break-ups before they meet the right person that is suitable for them.

Due to their developing emotional intelligence, younger people are also more likely to act out revenge, as they are more impulsive with their decision making. This makes them less likely to be aware of the consquences, so it increases the chances of getting revenge even more. As we get older, our emotional intelligence improves and we think about the consquences of our actions. However, this isn’t always the case; as there are people within the human population who have psychopathic and narcissistic tendancies in their personality and behavioural profile.

Due to significant damage (either by faulty genetics/mutations or a traumatic brain injury in early childhood) to the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex; this can cause changes to personality and the ability to feel emotions within ourselves and others. This is why psychopaths are so dangerous in our society. When there is damage to the prefrontal cortex, it can cause someone to become more aggressive and violent - and when you combine this with a lack of empathy due to an under-developed amydala; you have created a very hostile and unpredictable character.

When it comes to getting revenge, I think it is a lack of empathy that drives people to it; as anger and rage are emotions which are connected to our ego state of mind. Revenge is an act of an emotion which resides at a low vibration of consciousness, which is the ego and the wounded inner child. In actual fact, it is our wounded inner child that drives us to revenge as this the root centre of our pain. When someone does something to us that triggers this centre of our inner self; we begin to feel vulnerable, angry and raw - like someone has stabbed us in the back. So as a part of our survival, we fight back to help release the pain.

The message behind this post is that by creating suffering only leads to more suffering. The best revenge is to let go and create space for yourself, so you can grow to become the best version of yourself. Every experience we go through in life is there for a reason no matter how ‘good’ or 'bad’ it maybe. As humans, our brains love to label things and experiences according to our own perception. So let go of judgement, and live life more freely. Live in alignment of your higher self, whoever that may be to you.

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Quote of the Day: Monday, 30th April 2018

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The Pain of Saying Goodbye

I have to confess that being able to write this post requires a lot of strength and courage - not just for me personally, but many others who have experienced some kind of loss in their lifetime. This can be from the ending of a friendship or romantic relationship or even the sudden death of a loved one or pet. In my own life, I have experienced several deaths in my family when I was growing up as a child and as a teenager. Experiencing these events at such a young age has caused me to have a crippling fear of loss and abandonment, which is no fault of my own. It found me down my path, unfortunately. Difficult situations like this happen throughout our lives whether we want them or not, which is a hard bullet to take and can often feel very painful.

Losing someone you care about in any shape or form can have detrimental effects on our overall wellbeing. Take heartbreak for instance, when someone we love and care about tells us that they don’t want us anymore; it can cause insomnia, anxiety, desperation, obsession, poor appetite, hopelessness, sadness and despair. All of these things can really eat away at our health and that’s just not on an emotional level either. I have experienced this a couple of times and it isn’t pretty. It hurts you to the core. However, in this kind of situation, although I know how difficult it is to see it in a positive light. Ask yourself whether that relationship was really for you or not. Often times when we cannot get over someone, there is a presence of an unhealthy attachment or codependency which isn’t a good thing.

As someone who has a fear of abandonment, losing someone I cared about and had fun with is what hurts me the most. I thrive when I feel accepted in a group of people such as friends or loved ones. So going through something like this causes a lot of hurt and emotional pain inside of me. However, I do pick up the pieces and move forward towards a place that serves me a lot better. Always remember that these experiences are here to make you grow wiser as a person and as a soul too. Without them being in life, we wouldn’t learn something new about ourselves whether that is good or bad.

Grief can be a very challenging emotion to deal with, but you should never suffer with this alone. Talk to a friend you can console with and trust, a therapist or loved one to help you process your difficult emotions. Remember you are not alone, even though it may feel like it. If your body and soul require you to cry, allow it to happen without any resistance. Do not feel ashamed about it. Your body is an amazing machine, do not abuse it in any shape or form. With grief and pain, never bottle it up as doing this will damage you in the long run and may even cause you to develop conditions such as separation anxiety, attachment disorder, depression or in severe cases PTSD and suicidal tendancies. So if you need help, reach out to someone who will listen to you.

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“Life does what it does. I remain steady.” Practice equanimity when you exercise. Strengthen in even-mindedness.

Christiaan Peters