Sooooo, if anyone’s noticed I’ve been a little AWOL lately. As many of you know I tend to fall into ye olde Writer’s Block from time to time. Which, while that is certainly the case, I’ve also been traveling a lot this entire month (safely, of course, masks, gel, Lysol, vaccines; the whole enchilada - gotta stay safe out there!) So just wanted to fill in as some of you were very sweet as to check in and see if I’m ok (which was honestly the MOST heart-warming thing thank you all so so much, really❤️❤️ ) and truly I am! Right now, I’m on a week-long vacation that will end by sometime next week and I hope to maybe finally get around to doing some writing! Though, my brain is a menace so that’s yet to be determined, I am keeping sort of up-to-date on other social media platforms though, for those of you who keep up with me on other places! But, yes, for everyone wondering: I am one hundred percent ok, I am just pretty busy and also trying to relax (weird how those two things are coinciding at the moment).
Also, my birthday is in 5 days and I’m trying to wrap my head around the fact that I’m turning 23 years old when I literally still feel like I’m frozen-in-time at 14. Geez, time is a trip!
Anyway, hope you all are well and if you need me/want to hear from me, feel free to contact me via my asks or my inbox!
PS: Yeah, I know writing this thing out was totally unnecessary but oh well! Oh and as a final note, here’s one lovely picture from my travels!
So it happened… my rapid test was positive and now I have to wait another 24 hours for my pcr test result.
I really tried my best to keep the plague away from me, but I guess it doesn’t matter how much you take precautions when others don’t give a shit… I either trusted the wrong people to be safe or really didn’t wash my hands properly, if that test comes back positive tomorrow…
I’m isolated in our bedroom, I have the baby phone with me, so I can talk to my spouse and baby, but it still feels kinda lonely.
On top I don’t know if I have (very very mild) symptoms or if my body is making wild shit because I’m anxious… could be both.
Things have been weird lately and I’ve been so neglectful of Tumblr because real life has been/continues to be an emotional roller coaster and it’s A LOT. I did a play that was quite an experience and helped me get to the point where I’ve now actually publicly came out as bi to more than three people after all these years of feeling weird b/c I was both afraid to identify as queer, AND afraid of not being queer enough, because I’m also demisexual, and am rarely attracted to anyone, and haven’t even dated anyone in years (yeah I know orientation is not performative but try to get my dumb brain to internalize it). Plus, I was worried that I might be in love with my best friend (who had an awful unexpected breakup with his gf who I’m also friends with- cue the massive guilt), but after a lot of thinking I realized I’m not, and thankfully we talked and figured out we’re on the same page, but I’m Sensationally Bad at talking about my feelings and it was Super Awkward, but we talked again and I feel like we finally ironed that out today, and now I’m not worried about that, at least- BUT-
He IS moving to California in a month, and probably not moving back here when his job there ends, so that’s really difficult b/c he’s the friend I always depended on to be there when I need someone, and he’s been part of all the happiest times in my life, and honestly I can’t imagine my life without him anymore. Of course I want him to be happy, but I’m going to miss him so much, and I’m worried about him being on his own away from his friends and family when he’s in such a bad place emotionally, and the whole thing just is A LOT.
Add to that I’m trying to learn to drive at last, and I’ve finally decided I’m going to try to get a real job that can enable me to afford to move out of my mom’s house and live my own damn life like a real grown-up by next year, and wow do you have a cocktail of Very Stressful Life-Changing Stuff to deal with. Even fandom doesn’t provide any kind of refuge anymore because I just can’t bring myself to care about fiction when reality is so much drama.
Everything is A LOT and emotions are hard, and loving people is hard, and letting go of people is hard, and how do I do it? How do I find the courage to move forward when I just want to wrap myself in everything old and familiar and never have anything change because I have things that are good now, and if I lose them, what if I never find new ones to take their place? What if I can’t do things alone? What if I try and fail? I’m sad and scared and I feel like I don’t have anyone or anything I can rely on anymore and it’s A LOT.
seeing politicians and law makers pushing against bodily autonomy (especially when it comes to abortion) is just disturbing and terrifying like for as long as its not your body, it shouldn’t be your choice
So I’ve chewed my feather chewy to shit and now I’m just anxiously awaiting the delivery of more feathers (bought in “BULK”) and my tongue is back to being the main thing I suck and it’s feeling bad again fml. I cannot fucking wait to get this delivery and it might still be another week until they arrive fml!!!!! It’s gonna be so hard, especially knowing it could be so much easier!!!!
To fellow autistic folks: Am I the only one that has always dreamed of acting professionally (particularly voice acting, for me anyway lol) because you’re already always practicing and acting just to try to pass as neuotypical?
To fellow autistic folks: Am I the only one that has always dreamed of acting professionally (particularly voice acting, for me anyway lol) because you’re already always practicing and acting just to try to pass as neuotypical?
Today’s fencing was done with spear, axe, and sword.
Fencing spear against spear for a change, I had much luck with this, using Fiore’s spear fencing methods. Quite happy with it, need to work on parry-riposte, and not overreaching.
Axe fencing was a bit harder this time, ended up absorbing blows on the shaft that made me loose my grip, and found it hard to follow up with double handed strikes, rather than sneaky one handed strikes. Again, need to work on parry-riposte making use of the axe head to pull and push.
Of all things, longsword was where I struggled most today. Fencing my primary partner, I was on edge, flinched from strikes, which let him hit me, and kept entering into range doing the wrong thing. The only success I found was right at the end, landing a perfect thrust, more from fortune than skill.
Proof that even a seasoned fencer with a primary weapon, can have an off day. All said, it was good to work with new weapons, and to have some fun using a series of knightly arms. ⚜️
So, I am looking up Creative Writing classes to take next year and Edinburgh University actually has quite a lot going. But I’m nervous… It’s been 5 years since I have had a lecturer critique my writing and Creative Writing is always very personal; if they don’t like your style or genre of writing it can affect how they view your skill.
Generational trauma is very, very real. Even if your parents, grandparents and other older folk in your family don’t acknowledge it. It is real. When you pay attention enough you see how it manifests, and it makes you reevaluate yourself on a deeper level.
That being said, you don’t have to pass that generational trauma down to the younger generations. This doesn’t mean your own kids alone; this includes younger siblings, your siblings children, younger cousins and so on.
It will require you to become more self-aware. It will require you to change your perspective. It will require you to work on your behavior. It will be hard. Change isn’t impossible, though. So change.
personal stuff cw. for the longest time i battled with telling vs. not telling you my story about recovery, but given the latest events in my life, i really wanted to share it - not as a way to explain or justify my existence, but in order to give someone some hope. some comfort. many of you may have also experienced it, or maybe you still are. i’m going to tag all triggers below the read more, so you can choose whether or not to read it.
ps: i might open my askbox for a bit, but i can’t guarantee i’ll answer everything. ♡
trigger warning: child s / a, all sorts of ab*se, s / c attempt & mention, ed mention, death, grief, panic, anxiety.
the hardest part about all of what has happened to me is that only a few friends and my closest family members know. i don’t talk about it, i never share it outside of therapy and even in this blog, i resisted for the longest time because it’s heavy and difficult and.. all sorts of triggering.
i wish there was some sort of.. way around saying it? but i can’t think of a way to say it smoothly. i was s*xually and em*tionally abused by my mother’s ex boyfriend for ten years. nearly eleven. i’m not gonna get into the specific details, but that’s what happened.
even when it ended.. it didn’t. i was eighteen when i told my family and luckily, they believed me. i really never saw him again, but the repercussions were the worst to say the least. i lost so so so much of myself. i know some survivors experience guilt, shame or anger, but i was frozen. just numb as hell.
i was about to enter college at that time, but i kept dropping in and out for the upcoming years because part of my trauma involved a situation regarding the uni campus as well. from 2014 to 2020, i survived three attempts against my life and i think the lowest point was when i was dropped off at a psych ward in a wheelchair straight from the hospital, because my physical health was so damaged that i couldn’t walk. i remember thinking i was going home and then when they opened the doors of the ambulance, they dropped me off there.
i was hospitalized twice, for over a month. i remember wanting to go back, but our health insurance didn’t cover it and at that point i was left with really really heavy sleeping meds so i wouldn’t hurt myself.
my dad only found out when i quit the psych ward, i think he was struck with so so much guilt, but we were never close and at the point we were mending our relationship, he passed away - a little over a year ago, in 2021. before that, he had advised me to go into a different major, something that i was completely afraid of but was also very fond.
back in 2019, my mom and i had kind of accepted i wasn’t gonna live a full, “normal” life. i had dropped out of college about four times and she had also lost her job. i even worked for about three months, but it made my health even worse.
i can’t say allof my family members were supportive, though. some of them questioned my mother if i was really telling the truth, others thought i needed a “reality check”, so and so. it’s easy to judge a kid when it’s not your own kid, but alas… jerks are jerks.
i also struggled with an ed for the longest time. i still do, but everything happened all at the same time after i got out of his grip because i was breaking down and there was no doctor at the time who was able to diagnose me properly so i’d be given the right meds. apart from that, i also had severe social phobia and panic syndrome. like i said - it was all at once.
when 2020 came and i didn’t need to get out of the house, it was sort of a relief. quarantine was a weird period of living in my comfort zone whilst also wondering if the whole world was gonna end.
i enrolled back into college, to study at home full time. no campuses needed, no crowds or loud noises or ubers or anything. just me, at home, writing and studying. if i needed to go grocery shopping or take the trash out, no one would be on the streets. the reason behind it was not at all happy, of course. but being able to exist in silence did help.
of course, at that time i was also friendless. back in 2018, during my last attempt, a childhood best friend dropped me off at the hospital and well, that’s the last i saw her. she messaged me a few weeks earlier saying she needed space and i desperately apologized for any sort of toxic or unhelpful behaviour, but she said it wasn’t needed. she just.. needed space. needless to say, we never spoke again even though i tried reaching out. we’d have completed 10 years of friendship in 2019. i lost my entire circle of friends, since they were also hers and they never really contacted me or asked about me. it was just.. complete silence.
i don’t wanna say it was anyone’s fault or put myself in a position of “woe is me.” i don’t harbor any sort of resentment. i miss them so so much and i always dream of them, but unfortunately, things turned out that way.
anyway, in late 2020 i decided to create a blog that’d help me keep going. i still had zero offline friends, but i was getting back to therapy after a thousand failed sessions with other professionals, so i put myself out of my comfort zone bit by bit. luckily, i still had important friendships online, one in particular which i really, really am thankful for and will always be.
but offline, it was difficult to meet people, not gonna lie. my current friends mentioned they thought i hated them at first because i was so, so quiet and afraid, but from late 2020 to now, we’ve really grown tighter.
yesterday, i got the news about the charges i pressed against my abuser in 2017. the whole process has been excruciatingly long and painful. i had to testify about every little experience i had, from the most explicit to the worst details about those ten years. not only was he facing the possibility of going to jail, but he would also have to pay for all of my medical bills since 2014, apart from other expenses we had with health insurance, food, etc etc.
the judge decided he cannot be found guilty nor innocent because since turning 70 this year, his earlier crimes can no longer be taken into court. the later evidence wasn’t considered strong enough to condemn him either, so he’s free, for now. our lawyers have decided to appeal to the case and i have some sort of hope he’ll be punished for those ten years, but even if he is, nothing could take all that damage back.
throughout all these years, from 2014 up until now, a lot has changed. i don’t think my pain had any sort of magical or special meaning, but in the past week i was able to look back without feeling defined by those moments. i took such small steps that it has taken me this long to realize how far i came. i always say that the things that make me cry the most are the happy things, because i remember the first time i felt something akin to joy and i broke down because i was alive and still here and still worthy. he didn’t take that.
the main point is: things got better. i can safely say that. things turned around weirdly and fastly and unexpectedly. i was selected for an internship related to my major, i met people, i fell in and out of love, i started exploring my tastes, my sense of fashion, what i did or didn’t believe in. i dyed my hair pink. i had people plan my first surprise birthday party. i got my first boyfriend. i got back to writing. i learned about the things i love. about the things i didn’t. i got this blog. i got my life back and i really can’t tell you how freaking emotional that makes me feel.
i don’t know what i’d do, should i see my abuser again. but i know that i wouldn’t be scared. i wouldn’t freeze or run. and that’s been such an immense relief to realize - despite what does or doesn’t happen to him, whether he goes or stays or not, there’s more to my life than some sort of shitty, manipulative, creepy man who tried taking ten years away from me. there’s no “moral of the story,” but there’s still hope after this and there’s the pride of knowing my heart is here and good and pure.
omg sorry for not having updated for such a long time but I was drowning in uni work and I couldn’t find a minute to gather creativity, sit down and do some art or write or whatever. exams are still on but I feel like I have a little more air now and also my creativity seems to finally come back. Thank you for staying with me!
Also, today is my 24th birthday and I’m not a tiny bit suprised that I’m basically spending it on tumblr.
But more important! I recently hit 1000 followers and even got a few more. You guys are amazing, you really are and I love you all! omg.
So yeah. I got hate on one of my fave fics I wrote today and I’m bummed, so I’m just in a blah mood and could really use some cheering up.
But that’s only making it easier to take a semi-hiatus. Until March 23rd, I won’t be writing anything (headcanons, fics, etc) or making any graphics for any Disney related IP in order to support the walkout by Disney employees. I may not do a whole lot in non-Disney fandoms, but I’m definitely taking a semi-hiatus from my MCU stuff in solidarity with the boycott.
I’m going to post a few of the Sherlock headcanons from the meme today, I’m going to write a Spirk fic for @greenskyoverme from the “best friends to lovers” prompt list, and I’m going to try and work on some of the 2019 @sherlollysecretsanta Mod Gifts I found the prompts for in my Tumblr inbox. But I’m not all that enthused to be writing right now, so we’ll see how it goes.
