I hate hate hate the narrative that ADHD is only an issue because we live under capitalism. Like my caveman ass is going to be any more motivated to go out picking berries than I am to write this email that I’ve been putting off for months.

Some days I get so freaking hungry because I can’t make a simple decision on what to eat, let alone summon the willpower to cook it - do you think that’s going to get BETTER when cooking means spending 12 hours labouring in the kitchen to make the most basic meal? I can’t even make myself 2 minute ramen!

Oh yeah, I’m sure my adhd will be great for hunting or herding. Let me just zone out while the prey wanders past or an entire pack of wolves eat our sheep because I zoned out for half an hour.

You think capitalism is what’s making you get up for early morning shifts? Technology is the reason you have artificial lights and can stay up as late as your adhd brain demands. Back in the day you’d be forced to lie there staring into the darkness, and YES your tribe or village or familial group would absolutely expect you to do the work that needed DAYLIGHT to complete. Electric light is a very recent invention and before that, working at night was for the rich only

It’s an attention deficit DISORDER for a reason. My thinking is DISORDERED. I have less emotional control, worse memory, problems with motivation, poor attention, etc etc. These are as much problems as the past as they are today, and they still will be in the future, because even if the world was totally accessible for ADHD people, I’m still having to live my life around accomodations that most people don’t need. If the revolution comes and we all end up on communist or anarchist communes, I’m still going to forget to feed the chickens or water the tomatoes because the problem is not capitalism, it is my brain.

How is everyone doing today??

It’s okay if you need to vent! This post is open to everyone. I genuinely want to know how you all are doing today?

Godddddd I really don’t wanna go to work today I feel fucking miserable and I’m literally so stressed

I’m really just trying to get through each day now. I barely have a fight left in me. The worst part? Knowing there’s years ahead before I’ll get to the gender identity clinic and even longer before I can start my medical transition.

I have a love hate relationship with the NHS. I love that it exists, I love the people who work in it and I love all the good they do. What I hate? Having to wait literally years to even get an appointment with the one service I need when any other service takes a month or two at most (most services in most areas) in normal times.

I want to go private but I can’t afford it. I hate this. I don’t want to feel like I’m begging for money because I know their are people in worse situations who need more. I made a fundraiser before but I took it down because I felt like I didn’t deserve peoples help. I just want to feel happy again and I can’t even remember the last time I did.

I’m so tired of getting my ass bit by bugs when will those mosquito fucks learn how to buzz off

as I mentioned something in the last text post, i’ve decided that i’m gonna take a break. i keep having moments of doubting my giffing abilities and that’s not good for me whatsoever. i’ve also felt so burnt out recently and in the headspace of giving up gif making entirely which is how i know i need to take a step back. i’ll still be on tumblr, but wont post anything for abit.

Kind of a personal, unhinged, manic ramble. But it’s 1:30 in the morning and I’m just in that kind of mood.

So, there’s nothing concrete yet because nobody answers emails at 1 in the morning in a Saturday. But.

I just applied for a position in the funeral home for my favourite cemetery in the city I live in. I’m not the top candidate because I don’t have a bachelor’s degree in anything, but it said on the listing that the degree wasn’t a necessary qualification— only a preferred one. But I have all the mandatory qualifications, including nearly 6 years of experience in customer service. Benefits of being poor as shit and joining the workforce in high school, I guess.

Anyway. I know it sounds weird to be excited to the point of mania over the possibility of working in a funeral home and helping grieving families bury their dead relatives. I know exactly how that sounds. But I really love this cemetery for a lot of reasons. And my little goth ass has wanted to work in a cemetery literally as long as I can remember. I’d like to be a groundskeeper, but I’m not physically capable. Which sucks. But the bright side is there’s still something I can do there and I really hope I at least land an interview. I’m just really excited and I hope that if I scream about it to enough people my ancestors will hear me and make it happen for me.

Just. I’m really excited and I hope I came across the job listing for a reason. I’m not sure how much I believe in anything like fate or destiny, but I think things have a way of working out in the long run.

I poke the metaphorical bear too much. This wouldn’t necessarily be a problem, per se, but I actually want to do it more than I already do.

I’m so tired of being crucified on the internet by people who actively choose to misunderstand me and twist my ideas to be something they aren’t. But I’m also tired of keeping my head down in the name of peace. I’m aware that a lot of other people here make a sideblog specifically for discourse and I’m wondering if that’s the move at this point.

I don’t think people realize how hard overstimulation is. I’ve been literally in pain because my muscles keep tensing bc I’m overstimulated. I can hardly eat today, or process sights and sounds. I feel like I’m unable to get things done because I physically can’t do things or else I’ll have a breakdown. It just feels like everything is too much and it’s so upsetting. My headphones are dead And that’s the worst thing to happen on a day like this. Overstimulation can just fuck up a whole day.

God has played a little joke on me today. Shattering my phone screen but leaving my screen protector completely unscathed. I am nothing but a speck on Earth and I have been mocked for my existence and futility in his eyes. Pop off I guess.

i know im not who you crave

i know im not what you need

bright colors fill your head like you’re in a rave

i want to be freed

so tell me im pretty

and tell me im witty

so i may lay my head in rest in peace

its been awhile now

and i guess it goes to show

that i don’t know how

to connect anymore

i drift from reality

dissociating past gravity

until im lying on the floor

because i can’t take this world anymore

i wish i was a little older

just enough to make me more wanted

i wish i was a little prettier

just enough so you would love me back

i wish i was infinite

just enough so you could never say i wasn’t enough

i’ve been struggling for a while now. im starting to think that i wont make it.

Thinking bout that time my art went viral and non of the credit went to me.

Context. I drew this comic in my friends notebook that she shared with her friends. It was a really fun way to bond with people. So the person who stole this comic was definitely someone I knew (never figured out who thou). So in other words someone saw the comic drew it on a computer then posted it online. This isn’t even the whole comic, plus when I thought I found out who did it I went to the link and it brought me to a dental website. I dont remember the whole comic (cause it was about three years ago). Anyways I was and still am salty bout that. However it was nice to know people thought I was funny. Also my sence of humor has changed a lot sence then. I’m pretty sure this is what cause me to start posting my art online. If my art was to be stolen it would be a whole lot easier to figure out who did it. I also like to make it hell to cover my signature on my art. Actually I usually sign twice on the same drawing. Once with my online username or a small part of my username and also my initials on the bottom of the page with the date. Somehow this was a huge ego boost and pissed me off enough to start an instagram page.

So thanks, but also duck you.

So I’ve chewed my feather chewy to shit and now I’m just anxiously awaiting the delivery of more feathers (bought in “BULK”) and my tongue is back to being the main thing I suck and it’s feeling bad again fml. I cannot fucking wait to get this delivery and it might still be another week until they arrive fml!!!!! It’s gonna be so hard, especially knowing it could be so much easier!!!!

I’ve been making a lot of progress in the last couple of months. I’m not in therapy because of finances but reading books has been helping. Not even self-help books though atm, just straight up fiction. 

 I’ve been taking a long look at the different kinds of relationships I’ve had in my life as a parallel to how I was raised & kind of micro analyzing them. A lot of things are finally making sense; About the way I treat myself & the way I let other people treat me.  Reading fiction has helped because I get to look at lots of different character’s perspectives. 

Even thought I’ve always been able to read people pretty well, interpersonal relationships have always been hard for me because of the abuse that started early in my life. It made me scared of other people and caused extreme anxiety. 

Over the last year I’ve been working really hard to squelch my anxiety by getting a hold on my tendency to over-think everything & panic. A year ago I was having daily panic attacks. For the time being I’m not even experiencing them on a weekly basis. 

Had family visit this weekend. And It got me thinking even more. I’m not the person I was a year ago. I’ve changed a lot. I’ve matured so much. More so than in any other period of my life. I’ve faced some things I’ve been purposely ignoring about myself. I’ve chilled out a lot. My mind isn’t always on over drive. I’m in no way cured, but I don’t think I ever knew what it meant to be calm before. 

Seeing family reminded me of this because my family is a mess. Most of them are much older than me & their behavior is so self centered and abusive. It’s awkward because they really don’t care about other people.

They like hurting people for fun, and they don’t think their actions should have consequences. 

They taught their children to be seen & not heard & granted them no autonomy, no self esteem. Now they don’t understand why their kids are cutting them out or having behavioral issues.

Had an aunt lose her cool with me because she said something really awful about how she treats others & I calmly called her on it. She was FURIOUS.

I don’t care if these older family members have been getting away acting like this for decades. I’m not going to sit quietly any more. They don’t scare me.

Ok someone threw shade at me in a FB post about something that happened 4 years ago. And I’m kinda mad…

I’m sorry I complained about having an abusive family in college but I was literally having a mental break down from it. If you didn’t want to hear about it you could have just not talked to me.

It’s clear to me now that you thought I was over reacting, while I was faced with being harassed, stalked, the possibility of homelessness, and even death. But…

Don’t trivialize abuse victim’s problems to make yourself look more appreciative of your dad on father’s day. wtf  is wrong with you.

I wasn’t just some spoiled brat mad at her parents for “being wronged in one way or another,” I literally thought they were going to kill me. Because they told me they would.

That post should have been about you and your dad only. You had no reason to bring me into this. Father’s day is bad enough for a lot of abuse victims. That was like an extra slap in the face.

I just really need to vent about something on here tonight. So I’ve been feeling really panicked because my sibling is moving out soon & leaving me alone with our abusive mom & I’m terrified of living alone with her.

My brother has always been the favorite & went out of his way to exclude me from everything & treat me like I didn’t exist growing up. He’s hard to talk to & we’re not close despite living in the same house. Though recently, I felt like we’d actually established some trust.

HOWEVER, He went on vacation last week and I found out that HE SECRETLY GOT MARRIED while on vacation.

I found out accidentally over facebook of all things.

It was like a massive slap to the face.

He doesn’t know I know. & to make matters worse the only other family member I thought I could trust was in on leaving me out of the loop.

One hand I get it. Being raised in an abusive family SUCKS and destroys relationships. I’m not even pissed that he didn’t invite me to the wedding. He deserves his privacy & having anyone at your wedding that reminds you of your bad up bringing can be a trigger. I’m even happy for him that he gets to live his life & get away from our mom.

But like…. he could have at least given me a heads up???? I am an adult and I would have understood?? & I’m doubly mad at the other family member. Because he’s always trying to make himself like the moderator & the voice of reason in every situation ( he’s really bad at it though) & then he pulls something like this? Though I should have expected this because he and my brother were always like 2 peas in a pod.

I’m just feeling really betrayed because these were the last 2 people I felt like I had any trust in. And now I have no one. I am physically disabled. Stuck living with an abuser…and I have no one on my side.

Also for a really awkward plot twist…. my brother’s new wife looks just like our mom.

(also sorry I haven’t posted in months my illness has been kicking my ass)

Forgive me

I wish I could feel things normally again. I be needing shows or books to feel something and it’s just sad. That shouldn’t be the case at all. Whenever I do feel something tho I can never tell if it’s genuine or if I’m faking that emotion and ultimately just end up dwelling over it with no answers whatsoever.

My shoulders are too wide by almost exactly an inch on either side, and it’s measurably worsening my quality of life.

That’s not just my self-loathing telling me that. That’s not just what I say to myself when I look in the mirror and decide for some reason that my proportions are ugly. That’s not just what I say to myself when I see how a women’s shirt fits over them - off-the-rack clothes, after all, are made so that one size fits none.

No. The reasons I say my shoulders are too wide are far more basic than that.

Routinely, when I try to walk past something fairly closely, my shoulder ends up clipping it. The amount of overlap is usually a little under an inch.

About once every other month, I wake up with an awful pain in my neck and shoulder that I can only attribute to having done something absolutely horrid to those areas while sleeping. I have no idea what those movements are, because I’m asleep at the time, but it can happen in either shoulder, and no arrangement of pillows seems to sufficiently prevent it.

My hand-eye coordination is totally shot. I can’t pick up objects without actually being able to see my hands. When I try to pick something up with my eyes closed, my hands have a systematic and reproducible error of a few degrees - the exact amount they’d be off if my shoulders were wider than my brain expected by about that much.

In the most literal sense, my brain and my body do not agree on one of the most fundamental proportions of my body. No amount of body positivity or self-love will ever fix that. I highly doubt there’s a way to rewire my brain into accepting my body as it is, either - and if there were, I’m not sure it’d be a good idea.

Nor is there a satisfactory physical fix: clavicle shortening surgery exists, but even if I could afford the multiple tens of thousands of dollars it would cost, I can’t help but imagine the horrible back pain it would cause if it left my shoulders perpetually scrunched forward. A satisfactory physical fix would have had to have required my body to grow the right way the first time, and that ship has already sailed.

So I’m stuck like this, stuck with a body and a brain pitted against each other, both refusing to yield, with me stuck in the middle. Even if mirrors were a total non-concept – even if beauty standards didn’t exist, and neither I nor other people cared what I looked like – I would still experience this problem.

In a lot of ways, I’m lucky! This is about as severe as my brain-body map’s incongruence with my actual body gets. (I also have serious voice dysphoria that makes it - without exaggeration - physically painful to use my voice for extended periods of time; but in a way, even that is not as bad as this.) A lot of other trans people, especially those with serious height dysphoria, probably have this a lot worse.

But if there’s anything I wish cis people could take away from this, it’s this: when trans people say forcing trans kids through natal puberty is disfiguring and cruel, believe us. We know. We have every reason to know. A lot of us are going through completely unnecessary suffering.

Machine-Artist?

I’m really struggling to make an illustration, at least to put on my social media (I’m still working on a beautiful children’s book).

It’s a little bit sad, that in order to make your work seen you have to constantly work hyper hard without getting paid, because a l g o r i t h m s,and most of the people will scroll past it in 5 seconds. (it’s not people’s fault, social media is done that way on purpose)

Neurodivergent artist have the right to be seen even if they CAN’T post everyday (and even if they are not neurodiverse, it shouldn’t be this way), I had overworked myself a lot of times and had been left sick in bed, without energy, without even talk to anyone. And I’m super fortunate because I can work with my client, and I know they like the things I make -my heart is soo gratefull-.

I think there’s a really big problem here, how it’s that people have to APOLOGIZE because they didn’t posted in TWO days???. That’s not healthy for anyone. We cannot be dependent on things that evolve faster than ourselves and we don’t even fully understand, it’s just wild. I really want everyone, and every artist to be themselves and own their own pase and time. Imagine what artworks we could be creating if we just focus on this, and not work ourselves out just to post every day or every other day. More meaningfull and interesting pieces… Obviusly there’s a lot of artist that make BEAUTIFULL and outstanding art, but I think the majority of us struggle with this rhythm of being, and put a lot of pressure on things we can’t fully control, much more when there’s a dissability involved.

I just wanted to express this, we are not machines that need an algorithm to exist, we are here now, we can make a little bit of a difference even if we can’t follow what everyone says we should do.

I’m not a factory.

(✨Srry if i misspelled something, English is not my first lenguage✨ lot’s of love MudeCartoon)

The stars are so nice.

The stars doesn’t call me an waste of existence.

Okay, I need to rant about the shit with my mom now, sorry

K, so, to set the scene- I owe my mom a couple of grand because of some issues that have popped up over the last couple of years. My grandma has pretty bad dementia, & my mom has hired a caretaker service. My mom lives on a farm, grandma’s in town, and I’m in a nearby city.

So, for like, close to a year, I had been driving out multiple times a week to care for grandma or help at the farm (things like outbuilding construction- she still has my fuckin’ drill from that), including on-call stuff ranging from like 8am to 8 pm, which meant my availability for “real” (paying) work was basically non-existent. The only times I had to cancel were during the floods and snowstorms last winter, when all of the routes between my place and my grandma’s were closed.

During this, my mom repeatedly brought up getting me paid for my labour, & I had brought up the possibility of simply putting it towards my debt. Except, as soon as I said she needed to follow through, I get hit with “well grandma’s accountant says we can’t pay family” (she didn’t need to stop and check, this was off the top of her head, so she obviously knew this for a while) the labour I had put in immediately dropped from “priceless” to “worthless.” Sure, occasionally she covered a gas receipt for me (maybe $30/mo on average, if I only consider the months where she did offer), & she kept handing me packs of smokes ‘cuz she was buying cheap cartons from a friend (even when I was actively trying to cut back or quit ), but, like, it was costing me $10+ a day in gas alone just to drive out there, not to mention all the wear and tear (she was getting me to fill my hatchback full of hay bales & shit like that). And, as she kept reminding me, SHE couldn’t afford for my car to be off the road.

But the fact that I couldn’t pony up an extra $500/mo without being paid for my work (which, again, includes actual construction work, and frequent on-call caregiving work with a woman with dementia) was just ~me demanding she subsidize me~ and I just ~need to live within my means.~ This was near the end of April, after I had chosen to spend my last $8 for the month on gas to drive out to help her deal with her shit instead of buying myself food, b/c I didn’t consider my own wellbeing as valuable as her happiness.

So, yeah. At this point, the only reason I haven’t gone permanently NC with her is b/c she’s grandma’s legal guardian/power of attorney, but, like, looking at this shit, it’s no wonder I was willing to off myself for the convenience of my abuser & her side piece back in 2020, considering the people who raised me.

I want to quit. I want a time machine.

TW for Weight

I just need a place to vent this, but trying to lose weight is fucking demoralizing. The fact that it’s all about pressing on even when you don’t see progress is THE WORST. I’m so bad at it! My brain is just immediately like, “I obviously did it wrong, I suck, give me cake.” Wtf body, this is for your own good!! Uuugghhhh.

very sad, very sad. why is he so perfect? why is he exactly what i’ve ever wanted? and for god’s sake why wwhY IS HE TAKEN GOD FUCKIN DAMMIT BREAK UP WITH UR PARTNER FOOL YOU STUPID BITCH CANT U SEE THE PERFECT ONE FOR YOU IS ME AAAAAAAAAAAAAGGH

there is a slug

on my body

it weighs me down

when im in bed

it seems so hard

just to get up

my body is tired

it hurts all over

the slug is strong

but i won’t let it win

i need to cry

but i think

my tears will run out

before this feeling goes away

the parasite inside my brain

has left my skull

it’s sitting on my head and making me feel heavy

my limbs are barely hanging on

my head is falling to the floor

it’s telling me

“snap out of it”

but im afraid i have forgotten

how it feels to be okay

it’s getting harder to wake up everyday

walking to school has never felt so tiring

i haven’t had a rest in weeks

no wonder im falling apart

I’m tired

My head feels heavy

I’m starting to feel it again

The loss of hope

The greying of the colors

The ticking of the clock

The sighs

The music in a loop

The restlessness

The emptiness

I’m full of emptiness.

Full.

Of.

Emptiness.

Time for a little vent post

It hurts so much that the girl I like replaced me so easily. She finds out her other friend likes her and the next day it’s like nothing ever happened between us. We talk every day like everything is normal but every time she brings her friend up and gushes about them it hurts more each time. I know her and I would never work out anyway because long distance doesn’t work for me and I don’t think it works for her either. But fuck it hurts seeing her liking someone else as if her and I weren’t acting like we were dating weeks ago. She doesn’t even know how much it hurts because I don’t want to be a jerk. I feel like I’m not allowed to be upset. But fuck was I really that easy to replace? I think I jinxed myself at my last therapy session, “things are getting better I think” well this is the exact opposite of better.

Yet another vent post, tw for self harm

I can’t wait for the days where I’m finally better. The days where I can shower and not wince because it stings on my thighs again. The days where I can wake up and not cry about it. The days where I can actually motivate myself to sit up in bed. The days where I don’t break down and rely on a fucking blade to numb me. The days where I can go out and socialize and not be cooped up anymore. I really can’t wait but I don’t know if it’s ever going to happen.

I just want to be happy man. I want to be able to wake up in the morning and feel content. I want to be able to fall asleep without worrying about every little thing until 6am. I want to be able to live instead of just survive.

Another vent post because I just don’t know what to do with all of my feelings because I can’t tell her how I feel so I guess I’ll just tell tumblr LMAO

I couldn’t sleep last night because no matter what I thought about my brain kept going back to her. I wish I could spend Halloween with her. My favorite holiday with my favorite person. I hope her and her new boyfriend have a good time, if they spend the holiday together. I really just want her to be happy so I really hope he treats her as amazing as she is. I hope she doesn’t feel like she isn’t good enough for him like she did during our relationship. I hope she realizes just how great and perfect she is. Everytime I close my eyes I just see her. Everytime I think, I think of her. I wish she were here with me right now. I’d give anything to have her.

I miss her so much :( she is all I’ve wanted for three fucking years. Why can’t we just work? Why is it always so complicated with her? I just want her here. It’s been over three months since she broke up with me and I still can’t stop thinking about her. I thought everything was going great. I was actually happy. I just want her.

I won’t even set an alaram, it doesn’t matter on the Last Dayy!! ^^