#re-bumbleblossoms

I was 16 years old // a little bird with no nest // or shelter from a storm // I’d been wandering a long time before I found them // my mother called them a den of foxes // wild and sinful // but they called me sister and sweet child // her mother taught me how to be a green witch // her father showed me how to change a tire // and her grandmother taught me how to spread my little wings again // I took to the skies years ago // been flying on my own for awhile // every now and then though, I visit my den of foxes // and they reteach this little bird what family is meant to be

thicker than water // hnl 2019

You were small, could fit in my child-like hands, and I remembered thinking of all the ways I could show you I loved you.

You were sick and covered in sores and fleas. They did not care for you the way they had promised. You shook uncontrollably when I had to give you several baths and medicine. I didn’t even have time to feel sorry for you, I just wanted you to be better.

You cried for 6 days straight. Every night when I turned off the light and put you in your bed, you’d whine so much that my father would come downstairs just to yell at both of us, which never stopped anyone from crying. It wasn’t until I gave in and put you in my bed that I understood that you just wanted to sleep on my chest.

You were unhappy when I had to move away from home. Mom said that you didn’t eat most of the time and you slept in my room where my bed used to be. I tried to see you as much as I could, but I regretted leaving you every single day. When I looked for another apartment, I made it clear that you would be with me.

Now we sit outside together and you are in my lap, staring at everyone walking past us. I think of all the nights that I hoped you were happy. I think of my 3 am crying fits that you always comforted me through.

We are finally together and at peace. I hold you in my aging hands. I think of all the ways I can love you.

-bijou // hnl 2019

I bought a houseplant last month

small, unknowing; it’s a new beginning for us both

my love, he used to tell me I had the worst green thumb

that I over-water and over-trim the leaves

you care too much he’d whisper

I used to believe that too 

Today my plant sprouted a new flower 

joining her various sisters into this strange world

and I wish I could show him how wrong he was

he never watched me bloom this way

never took the time to water my leaves

or appreciate how well I’m growing  

I’m starting to understand that maybe

he didn’t know me as well as he said he did  

he never did// hnl 2018

My sister had her last baby today. She waited the whole nine months to find out the gender, much to my mother’s dismay. I bought her baby clothes that were grays and blues and greens, not caring about who it would be. Love can always be felt for others, even at nine months away.

As a half-assed writer, I have to think about my sister when she had my niece 8 years ago. She was living in our parents house and dealing with the awful reality of a man that wasn’t ready to be a father, and parents that still weren’t ready to be parents. I remember being 13 and so afraid for her, going to the library at lunch and reading up on affordable housing and food stamps and child birth. I wrote her thousands of notes with words of encouragement before she went to work everyday. It was always like that between she and I, taking care of each other in our own ways.

Our mother was checked out back then, so my sister made it her own job. She taught me how to tie my shoes and make myself breakfast. She showed me how style my hair and my favorite Maroon 5 songs. She was rebellious and I wanted to be her so badly. The “I love you’s” came easy. We were each other’s first example of unconditional love.

I’m 22 now and she’s 30. We’ve grown up in separate ways and things aren’t as black and white as they used to be. She’s got her own little family and a peace about her that’s unfamiliar. I’m just starting to figure out my own worth and place in this universe. A few months back, she told me that she knew she wanted to be a mom when I was born. She said that I always told her that she was special and that she was beautiful, and even on the bad days, she kept going for me and our other siblings. I’d never known that until now.

My sister had her last baby today. I feel complete in knowing that I was her first.

to Alyssa, the best mom I’ve known // hnl 2020

As August slips away

into changing leaves and coffee stains

life is different as the sun sets earlier

each and every day

you and I have changed like seasons

but there’s still a home

in your clear eyes

and my rusting Chevy

thank you for always finding me

every time I wanted you to

15, 18, 22 // hnl 2020

Oh, it never mattered to me anyway

don’t cry me a river

just to wash me down the drain

notthing mattered, nothing earned or gained

everything to lose on a hot summer day

-

maybe it’s time to let go

of what wasn’t meant to stay

girl on fire, whispers the universe

you’re gonna light up rooms with your smile

everything mattered,

every blood stain

every masarca trail down your face

there’s no better place, I’d like to imagine

spit out the bitter taste

at least it happened

poetry on the front porch step // hnl 2020

Dear future,

how are you?

Did you ever paint the north wall

in the living room

and how’s that pesky rose bush growing?

I know you like to take care of things,

even if they’re beyond your help

I hope you learned how to embroider

like we wanted

and I hope your Wednesday nights are full

of laughter and sweet memories

I hope your strength is unwavering,

your smile lines deeper than ever before

and hey, did you ever get the paint stain

out of the carpet? I can’t for the life of me

but I know we’re persistent

I know you have the power to do whatever

we desire

I won’t keep you any longer,

I know you’re busy moving up

and far beyond the grief I carry now

It goes without saying but

all your past selves and I are so proud of you

and I hope you finally understand

how loved you are

how amazing you are

Take care;

I can’t wait to meet you

love, me // hnl 2020

let me stay,

dancing like fae among flowers

lost to the breeze

and summer sun-showers

the connection is dim,

but not yet dark

sometimes time

reveals the spark