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Wether it’s the hope of love

The grief of love

The lesson of love

Or the regret of love

Once you have loved

It always remains

༄

You know what you’ve done

But to say it out loud

Is too brutal a reality

It would be suicide by honesty

And you are such a coward

༄

I remember a time when

I thought he would change

When I thought that my love

Would take his anger away

What a dangerous choice

I was willing to make

To sacrifice myself for a man

Who could never be saved

༄

If forever is a place

I hope I go there with you

But I know that heaven will sigh

When you arrive with tears in your eyes

Wishing you could face the fire

Just to bring me too

༄

The truth is

I am ordinary

This realization is equally painful

As it is liberating

༄

I was 16 years old // a little bird with no nest // or shelter from a storm // I’d been wandering a long time before I found them // my mother called them a den of foxes // wild and sinful // but they called me sister and sweet child // her mother taught me how to be a green witch // her father showed me how to change a tire // and her grandmother taught me how to spread my little wings again // I took to the skies years ago // been flying on my own for awhile // every now and then though, I visit my den of foxes // and they reteach this little bird what family is meant to be

thicker than water // hnl 2019

Breathe in, breathe out

some days it’s harder to remember

that this is my body, my lungs

that no one has control over me

but me

Breathe in, breathe out

I reflect on what triggers me

and try to let go of whatever has a hold

on my spirit

sometimes the anger is so overwhelming

Breathe in, breathe out

my mind is in a healthier place

my inner child is healing as I write this

she reminds me that these feelings will pass

as long as I

breathe in, breathe out

what makes you angry? // hnl 2020

I had a dream that I was talking to god in a greenhouse.

I walked around for awhile until I came to a stairwell that lead to what looked like the Garden of Eden, only darker. I started making my descent when a voice boomed overhead.

“You may ask me one question.”

I stalled for a second. My belief in god wavered over the last 5 years. The only spirituality I felt came from my own existence. Still, I wondered. I continued stepping.

“Who is my soulmate? Is that easy enough for you?”

I smiled like a jackass and looked towards the garden, hoping I’d see the face of the person who was meant for me. Suddenly everything in the room went dark. The flowers in bloom wilted and the steps started to disappear underneath me. The handrails I was grasping onto coiled like snakes and wrapped around me with a vengeance. I was lifted up towards the only light left in the room, a sunroof. The rails wrapped around my neck and I started to cry. The voice returned, but it sounded angry.

“That was the wrong question. You don’t have one.”

I woke with a start and realized that I had been crying. As I calmed myself down, I looked at my hands and feet. The realization started to flow through me like water.

I am meant for me, no one else. Maybe not even god.

the dream I had on Wednesday // hnl 2020

Today, I didn’t think of you when I woke up. Today, when something funny happened, I didn’t reach for my phone to call you. Today I looked in the mirror and realized that it’s possible to love my life the way that it is. Today was the first time in a long time that I felt alive.

today, yesterday, tomorrow// hnl 2020

Her eyes held malice when she looked at me; her mouth told lies and took advantage of my naivety. This is wrong, I think. This hurts, I think. This is going to break my heart. I still cry when she leaves.

the girl with a chip on her shoulder// hnl 2020

astraldemise:

one-whole-rat:

astraldemise:

do you think the process of metamorphosis hurts ? does the transforming creature inside the pupa understand whats happening to it ? do you think theyre scared ? do you think theyre afraid ?

this is so metal and most would call this poetry but reasonably i know from being on this hellsite long enough that you’re just gay and really into bugs

You take my breath away in the worst way,

Leaving me gasping for air.

-b.m.

Coeur Silence Radio

et de son absence

qui se remplissait si bien

la pièce de vide, mon coeur de rien,

que lorsque de nouvelles choses apparurent

je n'eu plus de place pour les disposer.

ce vide occupait une place, il est vrai

pour qu'un jour peut être, réapparaisse

tout ce qui m'avait manqué jusqu'ici.

jour après jour, qui se ternit…

lors de mes songes , il m'arrive de penser

Oh mais est-t-il vrai

que lors de ces baisers

j'eus l'envie irréfutable

d'être là de façon immanquable ?

de le chérir et l'aimer

autant de toute mon âme

et d'enlever les souvenirs infâmes

de le soutenir éperdument

pour qu'enfin aucun tourment

ne hante notre amour si intense

qui il est vrai autrefois

était de sa beauté rare

un rêve éveillé pour moi

- menthaleau

All as before: against the dining-room windows
Beats the scattered windswept snow,
And I have not changed either,
But a man came to me.

I asked: “What do you want?”
He replied: “To be with you in Hell.”
I laughed: “Oh, you’ll foredoom
Us both to disaster.”

But lifting his dry hand
He lightly touched the flowers:
“Tell me how men kiss you,
Tell me how you kiss men.”

And his lustreless eyes
Did not move from my ring.
Not a single muscle quivered
On his radiantly evil face.

Oh, I know: his delight
Is the tense and passionate knowledge
That he needs nothing,
That I can refuse him nothing.

January 1, 1914

• Translated by Carl R. Proffer.

And that scares me a lot..