I think a lot of sex-negative people fell victim to an either incomplete or corporate-corrupted version of the movement (i.e. OnlyFans’ advertising.)
Like, some would say that the sex positivity movement made them have sex before they were ready. But “sex positivity” doesn’t mean “YOU SHOULD HAVE SEX ASAP” as much as corporations and bad actors may tell you, it’s about being able to choose. Destigmatizing sex is a goal that has largely been achieved but we were in a different place at the beginning of the decade. One goal left unachieved is better sexual education, and any good sex education should emphasize that you have sex when you’re ready, not when your partner is.
I would argue that destigmatizing sex has not been achieved, tbh.
We were definitely on that track for several years, but the backlash to sexual destigmatization, combined with the political benefits that sex stigma affords to the conservative movements that have overtaken western politics in the last 7 years, have thoroughly derailed it.
I’m constantly seeing, for a minor example, adult women stressing themselves to death over their favourite outfits being “too slutty” now, in a way that simply did not happen a decade ago, but did happen in the 2000s all the time.
And when was the last time any of us saw a topless slut walk, pushing back against the idea that women’s sexuality is “for” other people instead of themselves?
Likewise, the sexual expression of marginalized people has become a topic of extreme public scrutiny. People are going around claiming that queer pride parades are effectively rape orgies, because some queer men wear a type of vest they don’t like.
The only people for whom sexual stigma has been lessened are those whose sexuality can be exploited for profit. That would be why things like W.A.P. can be the song of a year: they are saleable.
Meanwhile, if a gay man mentions that he has a husband–not even that he has sex with his husband, but just that he has one–there are swathes of the western world where that is being rebranded as a sex crime targetting children!
The destigmatization of sex, in my opinion, was almost entirely co-opted by corporate entities to extract profit, while condemning real people’s sexuality to the bin of “filth.”
Corpos really said, “Sex for me, but not for thee.”
And as a side effect of capitalist appropriation of the sex positive movement, actual goals of the movement have largely floundered. The average person still has as many hang ups about their own sexual desires (or lack there of) as they did in 2002, and probably more than they did in 2012. Sex education has stopped expanding, and in some places has begun to recede back towards more conservative (and more dangerous) models of ignorance and abstinence.
Most damning of all, though, is the way the entire concept of “consent” has been watered down in the public consciousness.
We have people constantly screaming “I don’t consent to you existing in public,” while simultaneously arguing that consent is not a meaningful or necessary part of sexuality, medicine, and so forth.
I do agree, however, that the sex positivity movement was generally not responsible for leading people to have sex before they were ready.
That falls almost entirely on the way corporate actors turned sex into something that only celebrities were allowed to have. This, combined with little to no sex education leaving young people ignorant about what sex actually is, made Intense Public Sexuality especially desirable yet dangerous for young people to imitate.
So I was looking for some PIV critical takes cus like. I feel a lot of u would enjoy dunking on those cus it is absolutely worse than even kink criticals but look who I found making the most unhinged take
I sincerely encourage PIV criticals to seek medical assistance and pick better sex partners. This is not normal.
(Its also just false to say these things are not painful for the “guy”. Penises can also develop health problems that result in painful sex. No matter who you are, if you are EVER experiencing unintended pain during sex that can’t be chalked up to like, “oh im drier than expected grab the lube” or “ow I got a cramp” or other obvious and easily resolved causes, please see a medical proffesional immediately. That is not normal or expected and could be a sign of a serious health issue.)
Yknow what actually no im gonna get angry at this because this is incredibly dangerous.
This shit should not hurt you. If it is hurting and you are not intentionally doing something to cause that pain, there is a damn problem and you need to pay some fucking attention! Do NOT fucking normalise this shit!
Either you have a shitty fucking partner who is putting you at risk or there is a damn problem.
Especially the fucking blow job one im. Look. I suck a lot of dick. This is something I enjoy. Now u fuckers know I enjoy pain but I do NOT fuck around with throats ok? Sure I’ve developed a gag reflex now but deepthroating never hurts. IF IT HURTS YOU REALLY SHOULD STOP IMMEDIATELY. Do you all remember that guy ok twitter who ended up in hospital? Dont be that guy. Deepthroating is a skill that very few ppl are born with (I am just blessed like that) that most people will have to spend a long time developing. U have to spend weeks or even MONTHS letting your body adjust to having something in ur throat and dealing with ur gag reflex. U dont just shove a dick down there. Thats your fucking breathing hole, show it some respect!
Anal also should not fucking hurt you! Your anus is perfectly capable if stretching so fucking stretch it! Its dry as hell so get some fucking lube! Do you know how dangerous anal is if you don’t do it right? That pain is tearing. You are creating tears which increases the risk of sti transmission and other infections. And my god do you have any idea how much your anus can fucking bleed if you don’t treat it gently? Shit I’ve got “shit am I gonna die?” Levels of bleeding just from IBS and thats gentler than an unlubed dick!
And your fucking vagina is made to accomadate FAR more than a fucking penis. Thats built to let a whole child slide through. If you can’t handle a dick you need some help! You don’t deserve to have to deal with that pain! Thats a whole medical disorder! Arousal and maybe lube is all you should need to resolve pain, if it still hurts and it aint some monstrously huge dick ur dealing with then there is something wrong and you need help with that!
This is no fucking better than misogynistic culture normalising and glorifying “it hurts the first time” bullshit. If anything its worse, to say sex like this is painful in general. It is not. That is not normal. Stop telling people this shit is normal. You are putting people on danger.
Sex should never EVER hurt unless you want it to.
Also while I’m on this labia issues causing pain during sex is real and u don’t have to put up with that either. Now I dont know a fix cus I just tolerated it until childbirth solved it but u dont have to! See ur doctor! Demand intervention!
There are a lot of medical reasons that cause sex to be painful so please seek a doctor if additional foreplay has not helped you. Vaginismus, BV and others are medical conditions that can cause this, that have treatment options!!!
so i sort of wrote meet death sitting partly based on my moderate annoyance about how fandom handles the concept of a character not being Nebulously In His Mid-Twenties, so it’s not like I haven’t ranted about this before, but I just saw somebody’s exhaustive headcanon post about yet another character, whose age isn’t specified anywhere in canon, and who is sort of (waves vaguely) Not Young, and they had bent themselves in absolute knots including setting some of his early life events at improbably young ages just to make sure he was no older than 33 in the present day of their storyline, because, and this is as close to an exact quote as I can come, “I want his dick to work good”, and like
….
*drags hands down face* I just want all of you children out there in fandom to understand that you don’t suddenly Become An Old Person when you tick over from 34 to 35. Right? Like, Age doesn’t Suddenly Descend Upon You. (And when Age Hath Descended Upon Thee you’re not immediately Barred From All Fun.) It’s a gradual process. Some things that are usually considered age-related are actually health-related. Certain things happen at wildly different stages in one’s life than in others’ lives. Some people go gray early, some late. Some people’s dicks work differently when they start having heart problems or something, it varies widely. You don’t suddenly wake up unfuckable. Your joints don’t totally fall apart all at once. None of it is linear. [And honestly for like…. a lot of people (of my acquaintance, so, anecdata, but, data) your thirties are a time when due to experience and some hormonal shifts and usually, I think, finally just self-acceptance, for many of us, your sex life is going to be fantastic and you can finally actually really enjoy shit you spent your twenties nervously thinking you were missing the point of. (You were. It’s okay. Don’t sweat it. It’ll make sense as you get older. I promise it’s nice, surviving your youth. It really is. I swear to fuck that’s not just me being condescending even if it sounds like it is.) Or even finally just accepting yourself enough to try stuff you were too self-conscious to ask for before, that can be huge. But– I have digressed.]
There’s a stunning amount of diversity in the human experience. I understand that it is difficult to write something you have not yourself experienced. There’s a terrible fear of getting obvious things wrong and getting ridiculed or, worse, accused of malice in your Incorrectness. The easiest way to conceptualize non-firsthand experiences, and therefore write them into your own works, is to read accounts by other writers. But this does tend to echo-chamber some things. It’s why, for example, sex between two people with penises can be so formulaic, in fic, because it’s often written by inexperienced writers who do not themselves have those kinds of bodies, and so have no idea how penises really work beyond the basics, have no idea how prostates work at all, and no easy way to find out for themselves, relying on accounts by other writers who similarly don’t have bodies like that and are relying on accounts by others etcetera. And it’s definitely why older characters are so often very rigidly defined into occasionally-wildly-inappropriate behaviors or tendencies, or why many writers are reluctant to write them at all– for fear of getting it wrong, the writer avoids unfamiliar territory. And then everyone writes precisely the same story, for fear of Getting It Wrong.
Fair. So I am here to tell you, babes, from the right (as in, I have survived it) side of forty, that it’s okay. Getting older isn’t that bad. It happens very slowly.
Ella Dawson has genital herpes, and she wants to tell you about it.
She’s not speaking up for the shock value — she’s telling you because she wants all of us to be able to talk about STIs without shame or stigma. When we make it okay to talk about, she says, people are more likely to get tested and less likely to be afraid to share their status.
Inher badass talk at TEDxConnecticut College, Ella tells the story of her diagnosis, how she overcame feeling like “human trash,” and why we need to end the stigma — now. It’s packed with information (and a shot of humor), and if you didn’t already agree with her, you will by the time she’s done.
Condoms are only 98% effective when used correctly.
Sugar can cause infections in the vagina. This means things like chocolate sauce, honey, and lubricants with glycerin can be harmful.
Having sex with an intoxicated person is legally rape in most US states, even if the person verbally consents. In the eyes of the law, drugs and alcohol impair your ability to consent to sex.
Unprotected anal sex is the most dangerous sex act when it comes to spreading STIs.
Not everyone can climax from oral sex or even likesoral sex. Don’t assume—ask your partner what they want!
Condomsexpire! Check the date on the wrapper. Also, storing them in wallets is not a good idea (see #8)
If someone with a vagina has unprotected anal sex, semen can drip down into the vagina and pose a (slight, but still real) risk for pregnancy.
Do not keep condoms in your wallet. The friction and heat exposure of keeping them there can make them ineffective. Keep them somewhere cool, dry, and out of sunlight.
You should be tested for STIs with each new partner you have. Annual appointments are not enough protection if you have multiple partners in that time.
Having anal sex does not lead to a gaping asshole unless your partner is literally an elephant.
Sex with elephants is illegal. Don’t do that.
Masturbating while wearing a condom can help people with penises get used to wearing them before sex.
Penis size does not define your worth. It is not the be-all, end-all factor for most people.
In fact, lots of people with large penises have trouble having sex without hurting their partner since the average vagina size is 6”-8” when aroused (it’s only 3”-4” when not aroused!).
Your first time will almost definitely not be your best time. That’s okay, I promise.
Herpes and pubic lice can still infect you if a condom is used if testicles come in contact with a vuvla.
Only one out of three people can orgasm from receiving vaginal penetration alone. You’re not broken.
People with penises can orgasm without ejaculating.
The muscles in a vagina can be abnormally tense and cause intense pain when penetrated with a toy, penis, or tampon. This is called vaginismus and treatment for this includes relaxation therapy and using medical rods to help the muscles relax.
The number of sexual partners you have does not define you. This rule applies to all genders.
A diet of lots of dairy and meat can cause ejaculate to taste bad. Fruits that are very sweet (like pineapple) help combat this for some people. However, due to body chemistry, medications, and other factors, it might not always do the trick.
Dental dams make oral sex with someone with a vulva safer. They are thin sheets of latex and can be home-made by cutting the ends off a condom and slitting it lengthwise to make a alternative option if you don’t have access to dental dams.
The clitoris has 8,000 nerve endings in it. That’s twice that of a penis! So, go gently until encouraged to do otherwise.
Sex does not have to stop when someone ejaculates. Remove any condoms or clean up any mess, and keep going until everyone is satisfied!
Communication is the number one factor to a better, healthier sex life.
The hymen is not a bone, and does not break. It is a membrane layer that stretches. It can tear, which can lead to pain and bleeding. However, sex for the first time (or ever!) should never hurt. Go slower and focus on foreplay to increase natural lubrication.
Sexuality is fluid for a lot of people. Don’t worry about labels until you’re sure in your sexual and romantic interests. Explore freely and worry about terms later.
Orgasms release hormones that are natural pain-killers. This is why some menstruating people masturbate when they have cramps, because the body naturally reduces pain after an orgasm.
The hormones released also account for why some people cry or get very emotional after an intense orgasm. It’s totally normal.
There are limitless kinks in the world and so long as they are safe and consensual, there is nothing wrong with them.
Medications and mental health disorders can mess with your sex drive. Talk to your doctor if your sex drive has suddenly increased or decreased after starting a medication—there may be alternatives.
There is nothing “un-manly” or “gay” about enjoying anal play. Most men who try anal enjoy a little sensation in that area. People with penises also have a p-spot (prostate) and can have intense orgasms through anal penetration.
Always use lubrication generously to avoid vaginal or anal tearing.
Urinating after sex can reduce the risk of a UTI in people with vaginas.
Enjoying casual sex does not make you a bad person if you are up-front with your intentions and don’t maliciously seek to hurt others.
Condoms come in multiple sizes! It should never be loose or painfully tight.
Being sex-positive does not mean that everyone needs to enjoy sex. It simply promotes the happiness and sexual exploration (or non-exploration) of others.
Porn is notan educational guide to sex.
Certain positions feel better than others. Switch it up and find out what works for you and your partner(s).
Condoms are more likely to break if you don’t leave a reservoir tip for ejaculate.
Labia are often asymmetrical. Your long/uneven/poofy/dark labia are beautiful and there is nothing wrong with your body.
Up to 80% of people with a vagina can squirt with either g-spot or clitoral stimulation.
Drug store pregnancy tests are just as effective as brand name ones. In some cases, they’re even MORE effective.
Elevating your butt with pillows can make missionary sex easier for those of us with a big tummy or thick thighs.
Plan B does not work on people over a certain weight (160-175lbs).
There are safe alternatives to condoms or oral contraceptives. Talk to your doctor about your options.
Sex toys can open up a whole new world to folks willing to explore.
Orgasms can be highly psychological. Most people can’t climax when they’re upset or distracted.
Birth control can cause people to miss periods or spot in between periods.
Sex doesn’t have to be gentle if you don’t want it to be. There are healthy ways to explore rough sex or BDSM.
One for those who might find additional information interesting or even helpful.
An earlier poster of this added that there are “more articles in the Library For Kinksters.”
Another enthusiastic reblogger said: “I love this list, considering I went to Catholic school and sex education was 2 classes and they mainly talked to girls about getting their periods. Awesome, right? Thank God the internet came along so I could learn about things. Also thank you for writing this in such an open and neutral way and even including us big girls (#44)”. (“44. Elevating your butt with pillows can make missionary sex easier for those of us with a big tummy or thick thighs.”, perhaps this should also include “45. Plan B does not work on people over a certain weight [160-175lbs].”?
Yes, Sex Education in schools is often seriously inadequate for a number of reasons including incompetence and teacher embarrassment, but more sinister to my mind, because of cultural or religious prejudices.
This post has more than an incredible 380 thousand notes!
pussymodsgalore PMG information info Sex Ed Sex Education Library For Kinksters
Many std/stis are easily treatable and some are asymptomatic, so have your health check often.
Please keep your safety in mind always <3
Why is it not public knowledge that you can get herpes from kissing?? What the fuck
It’s less-than-common knowledge that you can get herpes from kissing because knowing how transmittable and outright common it is would break down the stigma that surrounds it. Or, put another way, the stigma that surrounds herpes is such that people don’t want to discuss it as commonplace, prefering to deny that functionally, the majority of adults have some variety ofHSV1orHSV2, and that on the balance it’s really not that terrible a disease. In fact, it’s difficult to estimate how much of the population is infected because a lot of cases are completely asymptomatic.
Use common sense, stay away from lesions on the lips, genitals, and anus (that means cold sores!) and use barrier protection (when touching genitals or anuses with any other body part) with partners if you don’t know their status and aren’t in a place where all partners are ready discuss fluid bonding.
But if you do end up contracting herpes it is not death, and it is not going to doom you to a sexless life. What’s going to happen to you is that sometimes - likely around stress like colds - you will get blisters somewhere tender and you’ll be a little extra tired for maybe a week. Make sure to talk to a doctor about how this may affect you and what you can do about it, and advise sexual partners so everyone’s nice and informed. And take a deep breath.
Sexetc.org is a website where you can input your state ( In the U.S) and it will show you all the laws regarding consent laws (if any), abortion laws, lgbt community rights, sex education laws, etc. I highly recommend this site. It also recommends you to places that can help you pay for birth control, abortions, condoms, Etc.
Every young person (and adult, for that matter!) should have access to this site, run by Rutgers University.
The link doesn’t take you to the resource mentioned. Go to the search bar and search “Sex in the States”
one of my favorite things ever, even if looking at my state’s information makes me cry.
genuinely so fucking tired of people leveraging the “groomer” argument against people who support sex ed because scientific literature over decades shows that comprehensive sex education starting around kindergarten actually prevents children from being sexually abused and groomed because it teaches children the correct words for their body parts and also teaches them concepts of privacy, personal space, bodily autonomy, the difference between appropriate and inappropriate touching, and the fact that sex is something that only adults do. children with this knowledge are not only better equipped to identify abuse and predatory behavior and communicate that its happening to a trusted adult, but also prevent it from happening in the first place by recognizing when something is happening that shouldn’t.
sex education does not sexualize children, it prevents children from being sexualized. anyone who is against early foundational sex education and claims they are doing it to protect children is a fucking liar.
genuinely so fucking tired of people leveraging the “groomer” argument against people who support sex ed because scientific literature over decades shows that comprehensive sex education starting around kindergarten actually prevents children from being sexually abused and groomed because it teaches children the correct words for their body parts and also teaches them concepts of privacy, personal space, bodily autonomy, the difference between appropriate and inappropriate touching, and the fact that sex is something that only adults do. children with this knowledge are not only better equipped to identify abuse and predatory behavior and communicate that its happening to a trusted adult, but also prevent it from happening in the first place by recognizing when something is happening that shouldn’t.
sex education does not sexualize children, it prevents children from being sexualized. anyone who is against early foundational sex education and claims they are doing it to protect children is a fucking liar.
Completely agreed. I think healthy sex education is so important, people shouldnt avoid it and acting as sex is something to be shamed. Its part of life, instead of repressing it, we need to teach it in a right way.
Currently watching Sex Education Season 3 (on episode 4, so don’t read if you haven’t gotten that far).
Something wasn’t feeling right and I think I’m partially annoyed because of the direction they took this season. I used to want Otis and Maeve together so bad, but honestly I liked Isaac and Ruby this season. Otis and Maeve have just gotten their signals crossed too many times now, and it’s repetitive. I feel like they missed the chance to put Otis and Maeve together in a way that made sense, but now they’re not even friends and have completely separate storylines, even though I know they will get together in the end (just since Otis and Maeve are the “main couple” that we’re suppose to root for). That being said, I can’t wait to see where the second half of this season ends everything.
Not gonna lie, I was pretty dang star-struck when I spoke with Yasmin Benoit. She’s an internationally recognised alternative model, academic and LGBTQ+ activist. Yasmin identifies as aro-ace, which is short for aromantic asexual. Through modelling, public speaking, writing and research, she’s shaking up the mainstream perception of these queer identities in massive ways, as well as promoting the visibility of queer people in colour.
U: Hi Yasmin! For those readers who may be less familiar, could you give us a description of what it means to be ‘aro-ace’?
Y: I’m sure you’ll find some people with different meanings, but asexuality is most commonly defined as experiencing little-to-no sexual attraction. Some resources mistakenly say that it’s having no sexuality, or no sexual feelings or desires, but it has nothing to do with that. It’s specifically about experiencing a lack of sexual attraction. It’s a sexual orientation, just one that isn’t really oriented anywhere.
Being aromantic is most commonly defined as experiencing little-to-no romantic attraction. I’ve never been inclined towards romantic relationships, nor do my emotions or connections manifest that way. I place that same energy into platonic relationships. People tend to think that being asexual and aromantic go hand-in-hand, and while it did for me and there is definitely a significant overlap in the communities, there are lots of asexual people who aren’t aromantic and aromantic people who aren’t asexual.
U: You’ve spoken openly about your teenage years, and how friends would ask pretty personal questions about your sexuality before you had discovered the terms ‘asexual’/’aromantic’. Do you think the kinds of questions people ask are shifting now that the terms are more accessible? And if so, how?
Y: Honestly, the questions I get now and the questions I got back then really haven’t changed. The mistakes people make are the same, but since they’re not teenagers, people offline usually aren’t so likely to be as blunt about it. People online, not so much!
Sometimes it seems like asexuality has been caught in some kind of groundhog day.
Like, I can watch interviews that activists did in the media in the early 2000s and the questions they get are the same, albeit delivered in a less politically correct way.
Most people are familiar with the term ‘asexual’ because it’s an old term and it’s been on the outskirts of conversations for decades at least; people just don’t have the inclination or intrigue to look into what it truly means because it’s often treated as an irrelevant aspect of human sexuality. Romantic orientations are still such a new conversation that aromanticism is even further behind asexuality.
U: You’ve achieved a HUGE amount over the course of a few years, from press features to conferences. What is your proudest accomplishment?
Y: It’s quite hard to choose! When you go into things not expecting to achieve much, even the little things feel quite remarkable. If I had to narrow it down, I’d probably say either Prague Pride 2019 or Ace of Clubs in 2019 (that was a good year).
I really like doing the kind of work where I can create in-real-life memories for asexual people in spaces that they wouldn’t usually have.
Prague Pride was my first time working at an international Pride event, I was invited as a special guest and was doing TEDx-style talks and hosting events. It was pretty nerve-wracking doing all of that in a country I’d never been to, so it felt like an achievement that I even managed to pull it off. It was the first time they’d had an asexual special guest and ace-centric events, and it lead to a really big turnout of asexual people and increased our visibility there.
Ace of Clubs was the first ever asexual pop-up bar, which I hosted during London Pride in 2019. It was a two-day event that provided the only asexual space at the entire festival, we had a panel, a projection screen, food, an open bar, music, games… It gave asexual people the chance to meet each other in person – which some had never done before – and party together in a safe space. So I was really proud that I had the chance to bring that to fruition. People still ask me about Ace of Clubs a lot and I still have a lot of lovely supporters in the Czech Republic! Hopefully I can bring the bar back and visit Prague again in the future.
U: You’ve been dubbed the “main face of asexuality.” How does it feel to be called that?
Y: It’s pretty crazy. It isn’t a position I expected to be in and it took me a little too long to realise that people were being serious when they said that! It’s flattering, for sure, if I think of it as recognition for all of the work I’ve been putting in. It’s also quite a lot of pressure, because people are always looking for me to do something incredible and life-changing for everyone. There’s also a lot more eyes on me, regarding what I do, what I say, how I conduct myself, who I work with, what I post etc, which makes it harder for me to just relax and be unguarded as a member of the community. So there’s pros and cons. But it’s an honour to have that kind of recognition and I do my best to use that attention in a way that’s beneficial to the entire community.
U: A focal point of your activism has been to change people’s perceptions of what asexuality looks like through alternative lingerie modelling – which, by the way… ICONIC. You even coined the hashtag #ThisIsWhatAsexualLooksLike. Since you started this journey, what kind of progress have you seen?
Y: Haha, thank you! I like to think there’s been some progress. I think my modelling has allowed me to discuss asexuality in quite sexualised spaces where it wouldn’t usually come up and bring it to the attention of a different audience.
I’ve definitely noticed an increase in asexuality being talked about in sex-positive communities and I’ve been grateful to have the chance to fill that void myself.
The hashtag has really turned into more of a campaign or movement for asexual visibility. It’s become a way for the community to represent themselves without having to rely on the media to do it. It’s been amazing to see it take on a life of its own and be used on so many platforms, including those I don’t use. I think it’s really helped some aces be able to feel more empowered in their self-expression, based on what I’ve heard. It’s also a series that I write for a website called Qwear Fashion, where I interview ace people about their stories and style! It’s on it’s tenth edition now.
U: What does you-time look like for you? What do you do in your spare time – if you have any spare time?!
Y: When your work isn’t structured in a typical 9-5 way, it can be particularly hard to switch off. Spare time often just feels like time when I should be doing something constructive, whether it’s doing extra work on a project or finally answering my Instagram comments. I’m probably spending it playing far too much Sims 4, reading some history book, going out for something to eat or wandering around a forest in the countryside somewhere. The last one really is a treat.
U: So on top of all the other things you’re doing,you’re also a researcher at California State University. Tell us a bit about the sort of research you’re carrying out and the headway that’s happening there.
Y: There’s a researcher at California State University, San Bernardino conducting research into families and relationships among asexual people, I’m part of the research advisory board and their research team. I do the coding and analysis for the transcribed interviews. I was always interested in the academic side of asexuality activism and I’m definitely hoping to get my name on a research paper someday. This is my way of dipping my toes in. And to anyone reading this and thinking, ‘Why get a model to do research?’ I have an MSc Crime Science degree and a BSc Sociology degree, so it’s actually right up my alley!
U: What advice would you give those who are questioning their sexuality based on your experiences?
Y: I guess first and foremost, I’d say that
sexuality isn’t as black and white as we often think it is.
Every single person’s sexuality is different, multi-layered and fluid to some degree. When we’re talking about our sexual orientation, romantic orientation, desire, libido, arousal, preferences, all of those things – there is no blueprint, despite what we’re taught. There is no typical way to experience sexuality. It’s that idea which makes many queer people – including asexual people – feel like they’re abnormal or missing something.
It’s okay to question your sexuality, in fact, it’s healthy to do that. If you want to analyse it, do that, but through the lens that there isn’t necessarily anything wrong with what you are or aren’t experiencing. And if you find a term that helps you describe what you’re feeling and you want to use it, use it! Don’t worry about having to spend your entire life using it. And if you don’t want to use any terminology or label, don’t. You don’t owe anyone a clear-cut answer and it’s entirely possible to live happily without neatly fitting into any of these preconceived sexuality boxes. I do it all the time.
U: And what does a good aro-ace ally look like? What can they do and say to support the aro-ace community?
Y: Include us in conversations, amplify our voices, support our work and help to normalise our experience! If you’re speaking about sexuality and relationships but you aren’t including asexuality or aromanticism then you’re missing out a significant chunk. The latter includes the least amount of effort and actually makes a huge difference.
U: So… what’s next for Yasmin Benoit?
Y: Depending on when this comes out, I’ve got a considerable line-up of talks, online appearances, and photo shoots scheduled for in-or-around Ace Week!* So that’s what’s immediately next. But the fun thing (and the unsettling thing) about my job is that I never know what’s around the corner! There’s some things that should be coming that I can’t announce yet and some I’m actively working towards, but I don’t want to jinx it. With the support and encouragement of the aro/ace community and our allies, I’m sure there’s good things on the horizon!
