Okay, I’m just gonna say it: I find it really interesting how “groomer” became the new exclusionist buzzword about ten seconds after it became the hot new right-wing slur for queer folks.
It’s not that the accusations are new - they’ve been calling everyone they disagree with pedos for ages now.But theshift in language?That’sextremely recent. And, IMO, revealing.
They’re freebasing fascism and they don’t even know it.
Ah yes because also wanting cishet folk to not do the same shit in public totally makes me queerphobic. Makes me, a jew, a facist for not wanting children to see full on kink.
Collars and masks and stuff that isn’t blatantly sexual is fine. But flogging and other shit, which is the example been brought up, is not okay from anyone, cishet or not.
#1: The kink at pride discourse? You could really just say “I’ve never attended a pride parade and open queer sexuality scares me,” and get the exact same point across
#2: Holy mother of God do you actually think fascism is the opposite of Judaism? That is a UNIQUE take.
I’m stuck on “flogging is an explicit sex act.” Far more extreme violence is in every piece of popular media, news and sports in the US. Because that’s not what sex is and that’s not how sex works.
Even if I give the benefit of the doubt that something we often see in children’s cartoons is “blatant sex” because of the implications of the setting? People don’t flog each other in all-ages areas!!
Places where children are expected as part of Pride do not have active kink demonstrations. This person is just making up bullshit about how The Nasty Queers Are Sexually Abusing Children and somehow thinks that’s progressive??
Just a small section of the asexual groups on Fetlife! Many ace people are a part of the kink community because kink is not always about sex! Kink can provide ways to play and be physically intimate without sex, which can be liberating!
As a person who has always had an unusual interest in sex and sexuality, and a high sex drive to match…I’ve often felt othered by my peers and culturally pressured to suppress that aspect of myself.
In fact, the stigmatization is so bad it took me almost 30 years to notice that all the words we have to talk about highly sexual people are exclusively for disordered sexuality. This led me to work on creating an identity and flag for people like me, who are highly sexual, but not in a way that negatively impacts life.
Flag Meaning
Green represents consent, communication and respect. It takes up the most space, and is in the center because consent is the foundation of healthy sexuality.
Purple represents sensuality, intimacy and vulnerability
Warm pink represents raw sexual power, and carnality
Black represents support for safe, sane kink exploration
FAQ
What is extrasexual and what is supersexual? The terms can be used interchangeably. A supersexual or extrasexual person is someone who is highly sexual, but not in a way that is causing them distress or damaging their life. This is contrasted with hypersexuality, which is a term meant for people who have a disordered relationship with their high sex drive. It may be easiest to think of extrasexuality and supersexuality as the opposite of asexuality.
Isn’t that just ‘horny’? While it’s true that extrasexual and supersexual people are often horny, the word horny is not an identity, it’s a feeling. As such, people of all identities, (even some ace people) can feel horny. Extrasexuality and supersexuality are terms exclusively for people with a much higher than average sex drive or interest in sex/sexuality.
Why do these identities need to exist? First, to combat stigma. The stigmatization of sex and the people who are passionate about sex in our culture is often so pervasive that it’s invisible. It’s easier to bring attention and respect to these issues if we have terms that people can take seriously. Second, to create community. It’s useful to have terms and a flag to rally under, so people who have suffered in similar ways can connect and offer each other the kind of support you can only get from people who understand your experience directly.
Are extrasexual and supersexual ‘queer’? Are we doing LGBTQIAES+ now??? No. Though many queer people are also extrasexual/supersexual, having a high sex drive alone is not enough to warrant inclusion under those labels. While extrasexual and supersexual people experience stigma and shame for who they are, that shame is not rooted in homophobia. The communities can support one another effectively as allies.
What ways are extrasexual/supersexual people stigmatized? To begin with, many of the world’s largest religions mandate modesty, chastity and sexual purity. Women in particular are considered heathens or sinners for engaging in perfectly consensually and safe sex, especially outside of marriage. All throughout human history women have been stoned to death, burned alive and otherwise killed in the name of sexual purity. Even today, many women feel extreme shame about their own bodies, and guilt for enjoying sex.
Men are often expected to be extrasexual, even when they are not. They’re pressure to pursue sex in unhealthy and coersive ways in order to establish social standing. As a result, men who are extrasexual may be rewarded if they are considered conventionally attractive and socially intelligent in their social circles. For extrasexual men who are not considered conventionally attractive, or live with nuerodivergency like autism however, are likely to be considered inherently predatory if they even mention sex.
Sexuality has also been legally controlled in a myriad of ways, from the criminalization of sex work, to decency laws controlling what types of bodies can even appear in porn.
Aren’t overly sexual people dangerous? Anyone, regardless of their personal relationship with sex can violate consent. Consent is especially important when it comes to the topic of sex and sexuality because bodies are highly personal to us. While sex has the potential to be a very intimate and bonding experience, it’s that same vulnerability that can create risk. Many people have had experiences where their bodies were not respected, and as a result have been hurt or now live with trauma. Being extrasexual/supersexual is NEVER an excuse not to respect consent. That’s why the color green, representing consent, is in the center of the extrasexual/supersexual pride flag, and also takes up the most space. It’s the absolute foundation of a strong community that prioritizes reducing harm.
Sadly, it’s the stigmatization of sex that has led people to feel afraid to have the open dialogues that are required for creating a strong consent culture. It’s led people to feel ashamed to seek help when something has happened to them. https://www.consent.academy/book.html is an invaluable resource on how we can work together to build a consent culture that works for everyone, supersexual/extrasexual or otherwise.
I think a lot of sex-negative people fell victim to an either incomplete or corporate-corrupted version of the movement (i.e. OnlyFans’ advertising.)
Like, some would say that the sex positivity movement made them have sex before they were ready. But “sex positivity” doesn’t mean “YOU SHOULD HAVE SEX ASAP” as much as corporations and bad actors may tell you, it’s about being able to choose. Destigmatizing sex is a goal that has largely been achieved but we were in a different place at the beginning of the decade. One goal left unachieved is better sexual education, and any good sex education should emphasize that you have sex when you’re ready, not when your partner is.
I would argue that destigmatizing sex has not been achieved, tbh.
We were definitely on that track for several years, but the backlash to sexual destigmatization, combined with the political benefits that sex stigma affords to the conservative movements that have overtaken western politics in the last 7 years, have thoroughly derailed it.
I’m constantly seeing, for a minor example, adult women stressing themselves to death over their favourite outfits being “too slutty” now, in a way that simply did not happen a decade ago, but did happen in the 2000s all the time.
And when was the last time any of us saw a topless slut walk, pushing back against the idea that women’s sexuality is “for” other people instead of themselves?
Likewise, the sexual expression of marginalized people has become a topic of extreme public scrutiny. People are going around claiming that queer pride parades are effectively rape orgies, because some queer men wear a type of vest they don’t like.
The only people for whom sexual stigma has been lessened are those whose sexuality can be exploited for profit. That would be why things like W.A.P. can be the song of a year: they are saleable.
Meanwhile, if a gay man mentions that he has a husband–not even that he has sex with his husband, but just that he has one–there are swathes of the western world where that is being rebranded as a sex crime targetting children!
The destigmatization of sex, in my opinion, was almost entirely co-opted by corporate entities to extract profit, while condemning real people’s sexuality to the bin of “filth.”
Corpos really said, “Sex for me, but not for thee.”
And as a side effect of capitalist appropriation of the sex positive movement, actual goals of the movement have largely floundered. The average person still has as many hang ups about their own sexual desires (or lack there of) as they did in 2002, and probably more than they did in 2012. Sex education has stopped expanding, and in some places has begun to recede back towards more conservative (and more dangerous) models of ignorance and abstinence.
Most damning of all, though, is the way the entire concept of “consent” has been watered down in the public consciousness.
We have people constantly screaming “I don’t consent to you existing in public,” while simultaneously arguing that consent is not a meaningful or necessary part of sexuality, medicine, and so forth.
I do agree, however, that the sex positivity movement was generally not responsible for leading people to have sex before they were ready.
That falls almost entirely on the way corporate actors turned sex into something that only celebrities were allowed to have. This, combined with little to no sex education leaving young people ignorant about what sex actually is, made Intense Public Sexuality especially desirable yet dangerous for young people to imitate.
It’s so fucking weird how people try to refute the testimonies of women who are/were pornstars and say they loved the job and were treated with respect by their co-stars and directors by bringing up testimonies of otherwomen that were abused by other co-stars and directors. They basically go “See? These women were abused, so naturally all pornstars were abused and it’s impossible for any progress to have happened in protecting the rights of women in porn”
Literally nobody is saying that the porn industry is perfect and has never treated the people involved (not just the women) with unbelievable cruelty. Far from it. But the fact that this happened, and unfortunately still happens doesn’t mean that this is the universal experience. For God’s sake, marital rape was seen as completely normal, for YEARS, many so called “modern” societies took forever to even make this a crime, and you still find people who say shit like “But she’s his girlfriend! How could that possibly be rape?” yet if someone went “Every woman who has a boyfriend or a husband is being abused by her partner” any reasonable person would instantly recognize that this makes no sense. The same applies to women in porn.
There are porn sites that have interviews with the actors both before and after scenes, and show them completely pleased. There are bloopers of porn movies showing everyone involved laughing and making fun of themselves. There are women who have not worked in porn for a long time, have no more ties to it whatsoever, have nothing to lose if they exposed some awful secrets and nothing to gain if they keep quiet and still say nothing bad happened to them. For fuck’s sake, some women dated and married their co-stars.
Abusedoes happen but pretending that it always happens to absolutely everyone of them isn’t “protecting” women, is ignoring their thoughts, feelings, and agency the second you realize that what they have to say is not convenient for you and doesn’t confirm your bias. And let’s not forget the blatant infantilization, bordering on mysoginy and sometimes straight up crossing that line, of telling a woman that she does not really understand the experiences she personally went through, unlike you, who were not even there, and so you should decide how she should feel about what shelived.
marginalizing human sexuality is not normal. its the product of a long tradition of patriarchal, religious zeal. theres no place for sex negativity on the left.
So I was looking for some PIV critical takes cus like. I feel a lot of u would enjoy dunking on those cus it is absolutely worse than even kink criticals but look who I found making the most unhinged take
I sincerely encourage PIV criticals to seek medical assistance and pick better sex partners. This is not normal.
(Its also just false to say these things are not painful for the “guy”. Penises can also develop health problems that result in painful sex. No matter who you are, if you are EVER experiencing unintended pain during sex that can’t be chalked up to like, “oh im drier than expected grab the lube” or “ow I got a cramp” or other obvious and easily resolved causes, please see a medical proffesional immediately. That is not normal or expected and could be a sign of a serious health issue.)
Yknow what actually no im gonna get angry at this because this is incredibly dangerous.
This shit should not hurt you. If it is hurting and you are not intentionally doing something to cause that pain, there is a damn problem and you need to pay some fucking attention! Do NOT fucking normalise this shit!
Either you have a shitty fucking partner who is putting you at risk or there is a damn problem.
Especially the fucking blow job one im. Look. I suck a lot of dick. This is something I enjoy. Now u fuckers know I enjoy pain but I do NOT fuck around with throats ok? Sure I’ve developed a gag reflex now but deepthroating never hurts. IF IT HURTS YOU REALLY SHOULD STOP IMMEDIATELY. Do you all remember that guy ok twitter who ended up in hospital? Dont be that guy. Deepthroating is a skill that very few ppl are born with (I am just blessed like that) that most people will have to spend a long time developing. U have to spend weeks or even MONTHS letting your body adjust to having something in ur throat and dealing with ur gag reflex. U dont just shove a dick down there. Thats your fucking breathing hole, show it some respect!
Anal also should not fucking hurt you! Your anus is perfectly capable if stretching so fucking stretch it! Its dry as hell so get some fucking lube! Do you know how dangerous anal is if you don’t do it right? That pain is tearing. You are creating tears which increases the risk of sti transmission and other infections. And my god do you have any idea how much your anus can fucking bleed if you don’t treat it gently? Shit I’ve got “shit am I gonna die?” Levels of bleeding just from IBS and thats gentler than an unlubed dick!
And your fucking vagina is made to accomadate FAR more than a fucking penis. Thats built to let a whole child slide through. If you can’t handle a dick you need some help! You don’t deserve to have to deal with that pain! Thats a whole medical disorder! Arousal and maybe lube is all you should need to resolve pain, if it still hurts and it aint some monstrously huge dick ur dealing with then there is something wrong and you need help with that!
This is no fucking better than misogynistic culture normalising and glorifying “it hurts the first time” bullshit. If anything its worse, to say sex like this is painful in general. It is not. That is not normal. Stop telling people this shit is normal. You are putting people on danger.
Sex should never EVER hurt unless you want it to.
Also while I’m on this labia issues causing pain during sex is real and u don’t have to put up with that either. Now I dont know a fix cus I just tolerated it until childbirth solved it but u dont have to! See ur doctor! Demand intervention!
There are a lot of medical reasons that cause sex to be painful so please seek a doctor if additional foreplay has not helped you. Vaginismus, BV and others are medical conditions that can cause this, that have treatment options!!!
For the entirely of the history of the patriarchy, criminalizing sex work has been one of it’s primary goals. Anti sex worker=patriarchy, plain and simple.
I think there’s an argument to be made that protecting the children from relatively tame shadows of adults concepts actually makes things worse for them.
Like nothing is worse for me as an adult than the entirely unwarranted and unwanted sense of fear or scandalization from perfectly common stuff. And I don’t blame some wonderful TV show for using the word “fuck” or showing a nipple. My responses to those things are entirely constructed and cultural, and those shows are often doing me a kindness by giving me a context in which to safely re-examine them and my relationship to them.
And I just think actually there were a lot more opportunities to have a well adjusted outlook on life for the kids whose parents just told them what fuck meant.
[@dontbopthebunny reply: Will you give another example of what you mean, please?]
I can do my best. I don’t know if you are just looking for simple examples. I don’t think this is a simple one-to-one direct causation thing, where there are simple rules you can make for what is or isn’t appropriate to discuss with kids when and if you follow them your kid will grow up mentally healthy and if you don’t you’ve traumatized them forever.
But, for example, when I was in sixth grade I had a friend for the first half of the schoolyear who was in trouble.
I don’t even remember her last name at this point, and I was an incredibly sheltered eleven-year-old. So I genuinelycannot tell you what was going on. I can tell you something wasn’t right. Something with an older boyfriend and her divorced parents and stepdad? Something awful that I did not understand and did not know how to communicate.
Something she didn’t tell a lot of people about, because it was a secret.
And I can’t tell you how it ends. I don’t know what happened to her. She disappeared from school after winter break and never came back.
I can tell you that on the two occasions I tried to talk to adults about it during our friendship, their first instinct was to protect me at the exclusion of her. The reaction was very much one of, whatever she is telling you, you shouldn’t be learning about that, and it doesn’t sound safe for you to be her friend, and I don’t know if she’s a good influence, and I am scared for you - the one who isn’t being abused and is so sheltered she doesn’t know how to recognize even the most basic signs about her friend. I’m not even surethey recognized this was probably some kind of abuse situation.
All they heard was an eleven-year old bringing up topics that sound like they might have something to do with sex or drugs and that’s inappropriate. You’re too young for that, and your friends are too, so if they are talking about it they are bad friends.
But here’s the thing! Not only was she in more danger because of adults felt more inclined to protect this wealthier girl from a stable family at this other girl’s expense, I was in more danger too! I had no idea how to even think of what she told me. I barely understood sex existed. And my understanding of dangerous adults was entirely based around relatively useless Stranger Danger training. Because adults felt inclined to warn me of the relatively unlikely danger of some random person asking me into a van, but not the much more likely and actively present danger of possibly my friend’s parents being sexual predators or abusers of some kind.
If I hadn’t been made to feel like I was maybe inviting Satan into my life by even knowing what sex was, maybe I could’ve better understood what my friend was trying to tell me. Maybe I could’ve better asked for help. And if the adult community around me had been more focused onlistening to children and less on “protecting” them, maybe they could’ve actually protected someone.
My genuine feeling is that if a kid is old enough to ask, they are old enough to be given an honest answer (at a level they can understand). Even if the answer is sad, scary, or even traumatizing. I think it’s fine to say, “the answer is scary, would you like to know, or would you just like to know Mom has it handled and it will be okay?” - and if the kid insists on knowing, try to tell them in safe and nonjudgmental environment.
We actually put children at an incredible disadvantage by labeling them “innocent and pure”. Children, thank goodness, are no such thing. Children are feral little creatures who were born to survive. When I worked in daycare the kids favorite game was eating babies - they would stick dolls in the toy oven and microwave, they would SET IMAGINARY TABLES AND HAVE IMAGINARY FEASTS with an infant doll as the main entree. They thought this was hilarious.
You are not going to be able to keep trauma from your children. You are not going to be able to keep your children from trauma. You can only choose how much support you give them through trauma.
I also feel like sometimes we generate trauma by trying to separate ourselves, our society, and our children from their fleshy mortal reality. Even secular people in America like to conceptualize a person as having a kind of True Moral self, the SuperEgo is the Ideal You, that you must strive for. The “temptations” of the flesh as things to be overcome. Hunger, violent urges, lust, illness. These are external forces acting on us, not regular features of being human. Not just, like, things. That we feel. That are normal. That, yes, we need to deal with and not turn into problems for other people, but are not themselves things we need to be “protected” from experiencing or knowing about or talking about.
But the hide and deny and lie and “protect” version of teaching kids about these concepts - like foreign invaders instead of native features - hurts kids. If your kid is not supposed to know things they know, not be curious about things they are curious about, not think the things they think or feel the things they feel, they are going to be traumatized by their own normal thoughts and feelings. You generated the trauma where there was none.
All you’re doing by telling your kid that Fido moved to a nice farm upstate where he’s happy is arresting their development, denying them the chance to learn how to conceptualize the world as it is, and how to manage and care for themselves in it.
Kids are violent. They bite and push and shove. Kids are sexual. Sometimes infants get boners. (I have seen a one-year-old’s boner while changing a diaper! It’s awkward!!!! It’s so awkward!!! But it shouldn’t be, because it’s natural and it’s not sexual in the way adults are sexual. At that age, you ignore it. No need to give a one year old a shame complex). Sometimes toddlers masturbate! And that’s a normal thing for them to do! They need to be taught manners about it, but they aren’t doing anything wrong. Kids can experience loss and trauma. They get in car accidents, their friends can get cancer, they will experience bad things that are too big for them to deal with.
This isn’t me saying “So go out and expose your three year old to the most fucked up shit you can think of.” Do not do that. Please still monitor what they’re watching, please watch how you talk around them, please still carefully introduce them to ideas at a level they can understand.
This is me saying, I think most of the push to “protect” kids is based around what adults wish wasn’t true for them, as if pretending and wishing can somehow make it so for the next generation. If I never tell my kid about abuse, they will get to live in a world where abuse doesn’t exist. But that’s not what happens! Now they just live in a world where abuse exists and they can’t recognize it and are ashamed to ask for help!
And this kind of fragile insulated approach to child-rearing is also just, like, incredibly classist and white. It’s not about protecting everyone’s sense of safety. No one cared about protecting Ruby Bridges, but now white parents panic about teaching their kids her name. White parents pull their kids out from learning about The Holocaust and slavery. They use the idea of protecting their kids from topics are “scary” or “upsetting” as a way to protect their child’s, and so their own, sense of privilege and entitlement. They aren’t worried about their kids. They are worried about themselves.
And ironically these kind of guarded tower approaches to childcare can actually create trauma out of the innocuous. Not all discomfort is equal. Yeah, it’ll probably be a bit awkward for everyone when your kid asks where babies come from, but that’s certainly going to be less traumatic than them learning when they’re fifteen and pregnant.
“Protect the children” is far too often a dogwhistle that means anything from
1) I want to be able to control my children through shame
2) I want to be able to plug my ears and ignore systemic injustice
3) I want to oppress this group of people and can exploit theidea of children to do so
4) I want to protect myself from my children’s judgment
5) I myself have not healthily come to terms with the ideas and realities I am now expected to guide my children through, and I do not want to work on myself
Taking care of children is obviously a hugely important thing to do. And we’re only just figuring out what is and isn’t good for them. We are so new to actually learning the best practices for raising safe and healthy kids.
IDK. If you’re going to study how to rear healthy human children, I think you first need to acknowledge what a human is, and accept that with compassion and understanding. And a human is a hungry, sometimes horny, complex social animal, mortal and flesh as all animals are.
Honestly I think coming to terms with that reality, that we are physical and irrational and one day we will die, is also a huge trauma we need to cope with as a society across all aspects of life. Not just child-rearing. But how are your kids supposed to learn to best navigate that reality if you yourself cannot face it?
Something I’ve seen online a lot these days is people insisting that “we were all traumatized by being exposed to sexual content we weren’t ready for” and I honestly think a big part of that experience comes from being too sheltered.
My mother used pretty much the exact method OP suggests here of answering questions as they came up. I knew where babies came from before it ever came up at school, even if I didn’t know the exact mechanics. I was an observant kid and would catch the subtle jokes in media meant to go over kids’ heads, and ask what they meant. And she would answer, as best she could in a way she thought was appropriate. And she never lied about it.
So, being on the internet in the early 2000s as a kid, I inevitably ran into the dreaded Pornography~ Back then it would literally pop up in its own window with full audio in almost any corner of the internet, it’s part of why things like pop-up and ad blockers took off. So was poor little me utterly traumatized by this experience? No. Sure, it was my first time seeing full on sex, at much too young an age. But I knew what I was seeing, I knew roughly why it existed and that grown-ups enjoyed it. I knew that while I wasn’t the one meant to be seeing it I also wasn’t in trouble for having it suddenly pop up in front of me. I closed out of it, and gave myself a few minutes to process what had happened. The End.
No lasting trauma, just a kid experiencing their first exposure to porn that they decided they weren’t ready for and so closed it and moved on with life. And I’m sure if sexuality had been treated like this Big Bad Boogieman that I wasn’t allowed to ask about or know anything about it would have been a lot scarier for me and might have had a more lasting impact. And I think a lot of people DO have that experience, and so in their minds, sex itself is an inherently traumatic thing.
I had similar experiences as above. All the parental figures in my life were sex positive. I was taught what it was, that it was natural, and how to protect myself and reach out if i needed.
inevitably i was exposed to VERY weird sex stuff online and in real life, as young as 11 years old. But it didn’t leave lasting psychological damage because there was no confusion or shame for trauma to dig into. I had necessary context.
Hiding reality from kids is not good for them. They will experience it no matter what you try to do to shelter them, and its your job to prepare them for that.
I don’t know when the “she stole my first time” trope started in manhwa, but I can see why it’s compelling. The idea that there is this femme fatale (or more often just really drunk protagonist) seducing a super hot absolutely pure like fire dude who then immediately doubles down on this idea that she must be special. I mean, it’s also deeply creepy when you think about it too hard, but at first blush it’s a hilarious conceit. It sets up a power dynamic early on where the woman is the one on top (pun intended). The other thing manhwa usually do with this trope, however, is pull the bait and switch where now that the main characters have slept together you get to watch them dance around the possibility of holding hands for another fifty chapters rather than allow them to continue to enjoy each other. Not so with this manhwa!
Yunifer is our isekai heroine who has fallen into a novel where she is the villainess, but instead of spending undue time worrying about it she has been leading a relatively normal life. Already, the fact that she had not bent herself in knots trying to avoid a bad ending was refreshing. When she ends up falling into bed with Ishid, she spends a bit of time writhing in angst about it, but ultimately what they establish is a decently healthy and harmonious adult relationship. Plus sex. This manhwa actually had sex scenes in it, which thank everything someone is allowing their grown ass protagonists a guilt free sexual connection. Because lord knows, modeling a healthy sex life is something manhwa could use more of! Ishid treats her well, and Yunifer truly enjoys his company in every capacity.
The plotlines circling around Yunifer and Ishid had a bit of fantasy, a bit of action, and a bit of royal intrigue, but what stood out to me was the treatment of Yunifer’s friend and the prince. Their relationship is called out as toxic and it’s never romanticized even when more context is brought in to explain why it’s so toxic. The author knew the message they wanted to convey, and I’m here for the call to embrace healthy relationships and give people space to heal from trauma. I would definitely recommend this one because even if it isn’t necessarily breaking new ground, I thought it had some fresh feeling takes.
Sex is not a bad word. People who have a lot of sex aren’t bad people. People who don’t have sex aren’t missing out. Judging someone based on how much sex they have is ignorant.
Me sittin’ here, seriously concerned for all the young kids who are gonna’ grow up in this fandom environment thinking they’re secretly evil monsters because their sex fantasies aren’t strictly pure or vanilla or because they ship something with an unhealthy dynamic. Soooooo many people must hate/be terrified of themselves.
Hey…….hey kids…….
You’re fuckin’ fine.
The human brain is weird. Sex fantasies ≠ actual desires. If you ask yourself, “would I want to act out this thing in real life” and the answer is “fuck no,” then you’re fine. Shipping is also not an indicator of what you would condone in real life. You are not secretly a monster. You are a human being. Human beings are complicated. Please calm down and treat yourself to a smoothie or something.
“What you want to read about” is not the same as “what you want to happen in your real life.”
The murder mystery industry has no problem understanding this.
The entire “horror” genre is built on this. Ditto “thrillers”, and indeed most other genres. In fact, possibly the only genre which isn’t inherently built on this assumption is “romance”, and even there… well, there’s a lot of romance stories which are basically about “I want to experience catharsis” rather than “I want this to happen to me” (consider Wuthering Heights, for example - Heathcliff and Catherine are great to read about, but they would each be hell to live with).
This also means if you’re asexual but you still like reading stories where people fuck? You’re still asexual. If you’re aromantic and enjoy reading romances, you’re still aromantic. If you’re non-heterosexual and enjoy reading heterosexual porn (because hey, there’s more of it and it’s easier to find than anything else, right?) then you’re still not heterosexual.
The only thing your taste in reading says anything about is your taste in reading.
Not gonna lie, I was pretty dang star-struck when I spoke with Yasmin Benoit. She’s an internationally recognised alternative model, academic and LGBTQ+ activist. Yasmin identifies as aro-ace, which is short for aromantic asexual. Through modelling, public speaking, writing and research, she’s shaking up the mainstream perception of these queer identities in massive ways, as well as promoting the visibility of queer people in colour.
U: Hi Yasmin! For those readers who may be less familiar, could you give us a description of what it means to be ‘aro-ace’?
Y: I’m sure you’ll find some people with different meanings, but asexuality is most commonly defined as experiencing little-to-no sexual attraction. Some resources mistakenly say that it’s having no sexuality, or no sexual feelings or desires, but it has nothing to do with that. It’s specifically about experiencing a lack of sexual attraction. It’s a sexual orientation, just one that isn’t really oriented anywhere.
Being aromantic is most commonly defined as experiencing little-to-no romantic attraction. I’ve never been inclined towards romantic relationships, nor do my emotions or connections manifest that way. I place that same energy into platonic relationships. People tend to think that being asexual and aromantic go hand-in-hand, and while it did for me and there is definitely a significant overlap in the communities, there are lots of asexual people who aren’t aromantic and aromantic people who aren’t asexual.
U: You’ve spoken openly about your teenage years, and how friends would ask pretty personal questions about your sexuality before you had discovered the terms ‘asexual’/’aromantic’. Do you think the kinds of questions people ask are shifting now that the terms are more accessible? And if so, how?
Y: Honestly, the questions I get now and the questions I got back then really haven’t changed. The mistakes people make are the same, but since they’re not teenagers, people offline usually aren’t so likely to be as blunt about it. People online, not so much!
Sometimes it seems like asexuality has been caught in some kind of groundhog day.
Like, I can watch interviews that activists did in the media in the early 2000s and the questions they get are the same, albeit delivered in a less politically correct way.
Most people are familiar with the term ‘asexual’ because it’s an old term and it’s been on the outskirts of conversations for decades at least; people just don’t have the inclination or intrigue to look into what it truly means because it’s often treated as an irrelevant aspect of human sexuality. Romantic orientations are still such a new conversation that aromanticism is even further behind asexuality.
U: You’ve achieved a HUGE amount over the course of a few years, from press features to conferences. What is your proudest accomplishment?
Y: It’s quite hard to choose! When you go into things not expecting to achieve much, even the little things feel quite remarkable. If I had to narrow it down, I’d probably say either Prague Pride 2019 or Ace of Clubs in 2019 (that was a good year).
I really like doing the kind of work where I can create in-real-life memories for asexual people in spaces that they wouldn’t usually have.
Prague Pride was my first time working at an international Pride event, I was invited as a special guest and was doing TEDx-style talks and hosting events. It was pretty nerve-wracking doing all of that in a country I’d never been to, so it felt like an achievement that I even managed to pull it off. It was the first time they’d had an asexual special guest and ace-centric events, and it lead to a really big turnout of asexual people and increased our visibility there.
Ace of Clubs was the first ever asexual pop-up bar, which I hosted during London Pride in 2019. It was a two-day event that provided the only asexual space at the entire festival, we had a panel, a projection screen, food, an open bar, music, games… It gave asexual people the chance to meet each other in person – which some had never done before – and party together in a safe space. So I was really proud that I had the chance to bring that to fruition. People still ask me about Ace of Clubs a lot and I still have a lot of lovely supporters in the Czech Republic! Hopefully I can bring the bar back and visit Prague again in the future.
U: You’ve been dubbed the “main face of asexuality.” How does it feel to be called that?
Y: It’s pretty crazy. It isn’t a position I expected to be in and it took me a little too long to realise that people were being serious when they said that! It’s flattering, for sure, if I think of it as recognition for all of the work I’ve been putting in. It’s also quite a lot of pressure, because people are always looking for me to do something incredible and life-changing for everyone. There’s also a lot more eyes on me, regarding what I do, what I say, how I conduct myself, who I work with, what I post etc, which makes it harder for me to just relax and be unguarded as a member of the community. So there’s pros and cons. But it’s an honour to have that kind of recognition and I do my best to use that attention in a way that’s beneficial to the entire community.
U: A focal point of your activism has been to change people’s perceptions of what asexuality looks like through alternative lingerie modelling – which, by the way… ICONIC. You even coined the hashtag #ThisIsWhatAsexualLooksLike. Since you started this journey, what kind of progress have you seen?
Y: Haha, thank you! I like to think there’s been some progress. I think my modelling has allowed me to discuss asexuality in quite sexualised spaces where it wouldn’t usually come up and bring it to the attention of a different audience.
I’ve definitely noticed an increase in asexuality being talked about in sex-positive communities and I’ve been grateful to have the chance to fill that void myself.
The hashtag has really turned into more of a campaign or movement for asexual visibility. It’s become a way for the community to represent themselves without having to rely on the media to do it. It’s been amazing to see it take on a life of its own and be used on so many platforms, including those I don’t use. I think it’s really helped some aces be able to feel more empowered in their self-expression, based on what I’ve heard. It’s also a series that I write for a website called Qwear Fashion, where I interview ace people about their stories and style! It’s on it’s tenth edition now.
U: What does you-time look like for you? What do you do in your spare time – if you have any spare time?!
Y: When your work isn’t structured in a typical 9-5 way, it can be particularly hard to switch off. Spare time often just feels like time when I should be doing something constructive, whether it’s doing extra work on a project or finally answering my Instagram comments. I’m probably spending it playing far too much Sims 4, reading some history book, going out for something to eat or wandering around a forest in the countryside somewhere. The last one really is a treat.
U: So on top of all the other things you’re doing,you’re also a researcher at California State University. Tell us a bit about the sort of research you’re carrying out and the headway that’s happening there.
Y: There’s a researcher at California State University, San Bernardino conducting research into families and relationships among asexual people, I’m part of the research advisory board and their research team. I do the coding and analysis for the transcribed interviews. I was always interested in the academic side of asexuality activism and I’m definitely hoping to get my name on a research paper someday. This is my way of dipping my toes in. And to anyone reading this and thinking, ‘Why get a model to do research?’ I have an MSc Crime Science degree and a BSc Sociology degree, so it’s actually right up my alley!
U: What advice would you give those who are questioning their sexuality based on your experiences?
Y: I guess first and foremost, I’d say that
sexuality isn’t as black and white as we often think it is.
Every single person’s sexuality is different, multi-layered and fluid to some degree. When we’re talking about our sexual orientation, romantic orientation, desire, libido, arousal, preferences, all of those things – there is no blueprint, despite what we’re taught. There is no typical way to experience sexuality. It’s that idea which makes many queer people – including asexual people – feel like they’re abnormal or missing something.
It’s okay to question your sexuality, in fact, it’s healthy to do that. If you want to analyse it, do that, but through the lens that there isn’t necessarily anything wrong with what you are or aren’t experiencing. And if you find a term that helps you describe what you’re feeling and you want to use it, use it! Don’t worry about having to spend your entire life using it. And if you don’t want to use any terminology or label, don’t. You don’t owe anyone a clear-cut answer and it’s entirely possible to live happily without neatly fitting into any of these preconceived sexuality boxes. I do it all the time.
U: And what does a good aro-ace ally look like? What can they do and say to support the aro-ace community?
Y: Include us in conversations, amplify our voices, support our work and help to normalise our experience! If you’re speaking about sexuality and relationships but you aren’t including asexuality or aromanticism then you’re missing out a significant chunk. The latter includes the least amount of effort and actually makes a huge difference.
U: So… what’s next for Yasmin Benoit?
Y: Depending on when this comes out, I’ve got a considerable line-up of talks, online appearances, and photo shoots scheduled for in-or-around Ace Week!* So that’s what’s immediately next. But the fun thing (and the unsettling thing) about my job is that I never know what’s around the corner! There’s some things that should be coming that I can’t announce yet and some I’m actively working towards, but I don’t want to jinx it. With the support and encouragement of the aro/ace community and our allies, I’m sure there’s good things on the horizon!
Drinks are not consent. Flirting is not consent. Relationship status is not consent. Time of night is not consent. Previous sexual acts are not consent. Consent to A is not consent to B, C, D, E… Consent now is not consent later. A coerced yes is not consent. Previous partners is not consent. A lack of a “no” is not consent. An inebriated yes is not consent. In short: only (fully concious) consent is consent. And what is that? A passionate yes, every step of the way!
