Y'all ever completely skip over combat because your Druid decided to become Goblin Jesus?

me, talking about my character before the session started: so she’s missing two fingers on one hand

DM: wait, what? why??

me: got them stuck inside

Our recently revived dimwitted werewolf barbarian upon seeing his passed out, 0 HP embodied mouther warlock girlfriend twisted up on the ground mid-battle

For some context, my party has an Aasimar sorcerer that kidnapped a goblin. In a fight, the goblin got badly injured.

Yipman the monk “Flying Fingering boy, come heal your goblin!”

I named many of my d20s hoping they would roll better for me, the results were thus.

Me- “Don’t fuck me, Warmachine.” Rolls nat 1 on new D20. “You fucked me, Warmachine. I bought you specifically so this wouldn’t happen.”

__

Me- “Don’t fuck me, Candy.” Rolls low. “Whore.” 

DM- “Maybe she likes the pole.”

__

Rolls low Me- “God damn it.” 

DM- “Dice jail?” 

Me- “Yep, and I’m running out of dice.”

“Pastrami salami, give me the fucking bible you stupid bitch”

Me, into a magic top hat where our cleric is hiding while I am trying to get them to give me a bible we accidentally stole from the pope so I can give it back.

Balance

So, I’m the DM and the PCs just entered a small dungeon to fight some bad-ass mages. They start kicking their asses, but after round 4 they start having some problems.

The Archmage casts Fireball, and the room is really small, like a corridor. 2 PCs faint, and the Tiefling Sorcerer is the last one alive. But it’s another mage turn now, and he uses Cone of Cold. The damage made him get to -49 HP, so he hadbto roll a Death Saving Throw.

He rolled a freaking 1. It was his first session at the campaign, so I had mercy.

He lost an arm and an ear, and the mages took off.

Paladin(OOC): Now it will be harder to walk, without an arm you won’t have balance! How will he walk?

Sorcerer(IC): With my legs. Oh, wait, I’ve lost them too?

“This could have been avoided if you had just snuck up on them!” -our sea elf Rogue at our Tabaxi cleric/mage

“Not really” -said tabaxi

“Yeah I’m kinda mad that you stole my chance for me to say “release da kraken!” even if only (our rogue) would have understood it.“ -Our DM after having us being bared down on by two dragon turtle things and a bunch of sea goblins who’d already taken out 4 npc (3 of which fighters) and a horse and nearly two of our players

We’re playing a campaign where my brother in law is the DM, my then-husband is a dragonborn paladin (maybe? It’s been a while.), I’m a stormborn drow who typically is in the WORST of moods, and also in our party are a Druid, a half elf rogue, and a warlock. The DM jus put us through our paces in a dungeon, and the final blow was the Dragonborn going apeshit and beheading the remaining enemies with one stroke. Keep in mind, during this exchange, my ex husband is on his phone.

DM: Congratulations, you cleared the dungeon. The floor is littered with the headless corpses of your enemies, their skulls roll across the ground and stop in various places around the room, mouths agape—

Me, OOC: SKULL SOCCER!

DM: What the f—okay, then. Roll for luck.

Me: What?

DM: YOU decided to be a dumbass. Roll. For. Luck.

Me: -nat 1 luck roll-

DM: You, in an uncharacteristic fit of whimsy, punt a skull that has landed before you. The skull you kicked ricochets off the walls wildly. The others, being of present mind, duck. The Dragonborn, distracted, does not duck in time and takes a direct hit to the face. Dragonborn, roll for damage.

Dragonborn: Aw, WHAT?

DM: Roll. For. Damage.

Dragonborn: -rolls an 8-

DM: Dragonborn loses a tooth. He now speaks with an unfortunate lisp for the remainder of the campaign.

Dragonborn: Thisth sthuckths assth.

Later in the campaign, we encounter a wizard who gives us three wishes. I immediately wish for the Dragonborn to have his tooth returned. The wish is granted, but the wizard is not what he seems and we end up killing him, which reverses all the magic done, light and dark.

The Dragonborn’s tooth falls out of his head and onto the ground, then disappears.

Dragonborn: Thisth sthuckths more, sthomehow.

“Don’t use Wands of Wonder when children are nearby.”

-My 3 int druid, despite protests from the other player. For reference, the nut was the size of an apple.

“One legged ballerinas are law abiding citizens nine times out of ten”

-Our Fighter to our Druid

Me after party stops a mad rebel leader firing on us in his own city.

“Whipping it out is a free action.”

- DM to the bard

-our cleric in her first game ever

Context- we are in a village and were hired to get rid of a cult that was attacking the city. We are currently planning how to save a church that had fires around it. And I just gave away our position

Me ooc: I walk up to the cultist

DM: okay?

Me: Hi I heard that your in the cult of the dragon? I was wondering if I could join the cult. Do you think you could help me?

DM: roll for deception

Me: rolls a 17

Cultist: oh yeah! We are always looking for new members here just fill out this quesionaire and then come meet us back at camp!

DM: roll for the questionnaire

Me: rolls a five and hands it to the cultist

The cultist lookes over it and tells me to keep in touch

Me ooc: I shake his hand.

DM: roll for handshake

Me: rolls natural 20

DM: so this handshake is so good, the cultist immediately falls in love with you.

The other players then shoot the other cultist and they run away.

Later on I went on a job interview and joined the cult that we were trying to stop. The other player also joined the cult and we left our only other player at the time, a cleric, behind while we convinced the cult to not break into the place where all the townsfolk were, saying that there was a plauge going on that would kill us all.

Our 8’ tall Tortle bloodhunter/barbarian offering an npc the severed head of a boneclaw we were tasked to hunt, for the third time.

-us, drunk pirates talking to the city guard wife of our fave npc

-The party’s kobold artificer, introducing himself and the changing bard to a local gay blacksmith couple in Waterdeep. Obviously advertising their newly opened tavern.

The dicebot is for very serious use only