Crit Fail

That is GENIUS

You don’t know real power until you have a Deck of Many Things in your inventory

Guys, this is a joke

I’m seeing my posts everywhere now and every time my friend finds one she sends it to me and we have a good little giggle

Y'all ever completely skip over combat because your Druid decided to become Goblin Jesus?

oh to be an NPC bartender… to share warm food and drink with weary travelers and attend to their tales… to have durable patience for bar fights… to merrily and mysteriously wink when adventurers ask me how i got the scar on my face

[Image ID: The Bugs Bunny “I wish all Blank a very pleasant Blank meme” edited four times to say: “I wish all paladins a very pleasant religious trauma,” “I wish all rogues a very pleasant hiding shit from the party,” “I wish all monks a very pleasant punch,” and “I wish all artificers a very pleasant gun.” End ID.]

Artificer joke by @solissagittarius. I hate that y’all are funnier than me

[Image ID: Five images of the bugs bunny “I wish all blank a very pleasant blank” meme, edited to read: “I wish all fighters a very pleasant fuck that magic shit (eldritch knights are NOT valid),” “I wish all rangers a very pleasant animal companion survival rate,” “I wish all sorcerers a very pleasant chaotic neutral energy even if you’re not technically CN,” “I wish all warlocks a very pleasant mommy or daddy issues,” and “I wish all wizards a very pleasant overthinking.” End ID.]

paladins, rogues, and artificers… you’re next

are your dnd characters elaborately crafted self-inserts you use to explore trauma and baggage

or are you cis

FOR LEGAL REASONS THIS IS A JOKE

You’re in his DMs, I AM his DM. We are not the same. Roll for initiative

Dnd update: my character learnt what taxes are shortly followed by tax evasion

What I love about running this blog is when y’all put stuff abt ur games in the tags. Like I have no context for what’s happening but it always makes me laugh. Sat in my room like:

“Oh shit someone has commit war crimes?”

“Damn Leonelle really had it coming to em”

“This DM is so evil I love that for them”

Tried my hand at creating a race for my new character…

Personally I think I should write for dnd beyond

Here to bless you with another quote from a dnd session:

Aarakocra Warlock, to another character: don’t worry, she insulted me yesterday too

Elf Ranger: what? How did I insult you?

Aarakocra Warlock: YOU ASKED ME IF I LIVED IN A NEST

I feel like I need to share this beautiful moment I had in dnd today.

So we play on discord, and our DM is getting us ready for a fight with a Shadow Dragon.

He sets the scene.

Rhythm bot enters the chat.

Careless Whispers by George Michael starts playing

Thinking about how non dnd players would react if I told them that in my session today, my character (who is a bird) had to explain depth perception to a princess and that the whole party decided that all damage against enemies would be centred at the dick for no reason other that “hehehe funny”

It birthed the quote “I can’t cast Toll the Dead at a penis… unless it has a brain in there”

If you’re ever bored, I can suggest turning quotes from your dnd sessions into inspirational posts. I’ll drop a few for examples

DM: *mentions backstory stuff*

Player:

Cleric: He didn’t die, he just took a break in living.

Cleric: I’m going to bootstrap paradox this whole campaign into existence.

Rogue: We don’t even get real Five Nights At Freddy’s. This is a clone. We’re going to die in Steam Greenlight Five Nights At Freddy’s.

“A fireball to the face is a great way to start any romance.”

Bard to Druid: These inspirational speeches have killed more people than any spell.

“You all have the outdoorsy shit handled, but this is urban survival, and I say we send in the street rat on point.”

- the feral homeless sorcerer

NPC: I told you from the start this trip is dangerous. Most don’t make it through with all their limbs.

Rogue: Oh, we did well then.

Ranger: Well, [bard] did lose a leg.

Rogue: Oh yeah.

Rogue: Alright, to prevent any further confusion we’re going to take a pause and go around the circle. Does everyone know who they are and how they got here?

NPC: I’m um…going to get a hair cut.

Rogue: You’re stuck on this ship.

Fighter: And you don’t even have hair.

Bard: It’s a good job there’s no sanity points in d&d or else we’d be fucked.

Rogue: *out of character* Local woman empowered. One hundred dead.