#straykids angst

[17:23]

everything felt like a fuzzy dream. the joking banters, the funny texts, the innocent teasing, the jokes thrown here and there, the gradual comfort they were building around each other, it was small but noticeable to her.

maybe she noticed the way she started relaxing around him because she spent so much time keeping her guard up that letting loose in so long felt almost easing, like a cold shower on a warm sunny day.

she was so lost in the way he messed around with her, that she forgot about the bigger, impending, truth that may lay behind his action. that or she simply didn’t know until someone opened her eyes for her.

since they met five months prior, they always had a cat and mouse kind of relationship, much like the one she had with everyone else in the friend group. she had always kept her guard up around people, new and old alike, always careful to not let them in too much, to not say too much about her life. the fear of not being able to trust anyone fully way too big. and after the only person she could ever trust wholly, broke up with her, that thought only reinforced itself. because she knew she would never be able to trust anyone as much as she trusted her last lover. so when they broke up a few months before she started being comfortable around minho, she decided she didn’t want to let anyone know. for she didn’t want anyone to think she was what people called “fresh on the market”.

she didn’t know when she started loosening up around him. maybe it started when after all the play fighting on the field, that one day they had a group picnic, she started her period right before they left for home and her cramps hit her. and as she tried helping everyone carry the remnants of what was left of their belongings, he had fallen in step with her and with already a bag in each hand he had softly taken the heavy water case from her hand muttering a “here, give it to me,” and she had protested that she could carry it only for him to scold her, “good for you, now give that here. you’re already in pain.”

or maybe it was when she went to that birthday party and he insisted her drink a few sips from his glass because, “i didn’t mix too much vodka, it’s almost all sprite,” he had muttered just so their friends would stop bothering her and she would be able to have fun.

or again, maybe it was when he invited her, felix and moonbin to his house for dinner with his mother. they had stayed at his place until almost 2am and they had fun writing funny things on the white board in his room and taking polaroids, and when the picture developed he had cackled loudly and, “i cannot believe this! your dress looks like we’re wearing matching pajamas,” he had pointed out.

or maybe it was when the same night he had jokingly given her a Yu Gi Oh card and told her to put it in her clear phone case, saying something about “the monster’s lips look like it’s blowing someone off, and you’re good at that, right?” and she had promptly thrown a few punches and kicks while he laughed loudly and taken her phone to put the card on top of her photocard, saying a “do not change it.”

or once more, maybe when he would promptly check every time they met after if she had changed the card and once he saw that she indeed did he would wrestle her to jokingly tell her he would throw away the photocard once he gets his hands on it.

and the fact he made her download a texting app when he deactivated on all social media because of his studies just to text non stop didn’t exactly help her.

or how when he asked advice on skincare, she had suggested about a cleanser she couldn’t find anywhere but was insanely good for her, he had come over the next day with the cleanser in hand. when she told him “ayy you got it!” thinking he had bought it on his way to her place, he had said, “that’s for you, i bought two.” and when she said he didn’t need to he said, “it’s okay, you said you couldn’t find it anywhere, so,” and he had shrugged his shoulders like nothing.

it was always the small things.

and maybe it was the day he was sharing with her and felix about his rocky again off again relationship that she thought that maybe she could tell him that she had broken up with her lover. and so she had signed subtly to felix if she should say something about her private life when they made a deal of all three saying something about their love life because minho didn’t want to be the only one to share stuff. but felix shook his head and trusting her childhood friend blindly she had said nothing.

nothing until a week after he texted her asking if she woke up early in the morning to talk to her long distance boyfriend, and she had thought she had avoided the question when she said something about her waking up late everyday. later, when she had told that to felix laughing, he had chuckled and told her, “don’t tell him, he’ll tell moonbin right away.”

moonbin. moonbin was the truth she had forgotten.

moonbin, a close friend, who happened to have a crush on her. her, when everyone knew she was taken. her, when all she wanted was to be friends with everyone. moonbin, who had just gone through a messy break up from a relationship he still wasn’t over, claimed he liked her.

and the day she found out she couldn’t lie and say she was surprised nor was that she thrilled. and moonbin’s every nice action made her feel like he did it because he had ulterior reasons and as much as felix told her he was just that nice to everyone, she didn’t like the unsettling feeling in her bones. because she didn’t want people spending money on her just to hold it over them. she hated the feeling of being indebted to people.

and somehow the fact that moonbin had told everyone around the friend circle about his crush on her didn’t sit well with her. she hated the feeling of everyone knowing what goes on behind all of his teasing and possibly teasing her about it or the nightmare that was shipping. she absolutely hated all that, finding the act of shipping and teasing to be childish. she liked her life to be private, her romantic life more than every other aspect, and sadly moonbin wasn’t like that.

and the other big thing was that she had no feelings for moonbin, and to a certain extent she didn’t have any feeling for minho either. the only thing she knew was that minho, unlike moonbin, made her feel like she could talk to him without fearing him discussing her problems with anyone else. or maybe she just didn’t know him that well, but she couldn’t deny the comforting feeling he carried around, like he would listen to anyone sharing their problems with him. which she knew she wasn’t the only one feeling that way.

and as she sat on the floor of her room that morning with felix, she felt her walls slowly going up again between her and minho. and her mind started getting clouded again by questions she didn’t, nor she would ever have answers to.

did he try to warm up to me to wingman moonbin?
did he just want to find out about my relationship status to tell moonbin?

did he not want to be my friend just because, maybe, he liked my personality?

was this all it was about?

and the ever persistent reason why she never could open up to anyone came back. the constant feeling of not being worth of friends with came back. nobody would want to be friends without any other motive. and the thought brought back all the other bad feelings she had slowly learned to overcome slowly.

so she told herself that she needed to close off again. she needed to be like before. unknown, but someone that was important to keep around because she was childhood friends with felix.

so that day, when minho texted her, she didn’t reply as fast as she usually would, and she decided she wouldn’t get any closer anymore.