After my first dominant partner and I went through an explosive break up full of pain and betrayal, I decided kink wasn’t for me.

Kink became synonymous with the hurt, heartbreak and, ultimately, the loneliness of losing someone who was supposed to be forever - and I wanted no part of it.

I found a nice boy from a small town. Someone who defined clean cut, took me on okay enough dates, and helped me create a boring life where I told myself I was safe. Boring was safe. Vanilla was safe.

But how do you switch off a part of your soul? I asked myself this every night while I laid under this man watching the ceiling fan rotate round and round. I don’t think he was aware that the spinning fan was more engaging to me than his awkward thrusting.

I think I always knew I would come back. Even after years and an almost-engagement to Mr. Vanilla… somehow I knew that I’d find myself again.

There’s safety in my submission and peace in loving all of myself. I just needed the right partner to help me remember.

I’m choking on a dildo, eyes closed in concentration. But I can hear his breathing. He’s calm.

Coming up for air I say, “Isn’t it funny? That I choke myself on a dildo just because you feel like it.”

His lips twitch with the hint of a smile, and he nods his head to towards the dildo. His expectation clear. I begin to choke myself again.

We’re going through a rough patch. Both of us feeling a little uneasy about our future, a little unsettled in our dynamic. The power exhange disrupted.

“Yes.” He’s watching me closely. “I’d like to wrap a hand around your neck, drag you into bed, snap a dildo gag in your mouth and keep you close until I feel comfortable that you’re mine. Confident.”

He doesn’t though.

The spit drips down my chin when I gag loudly for him. He’s using his words to control me. An exercise of his power over me, something that requires no physical force. He’s restablishing. A reminder for us both.

“Your submission to discomfort for my pleasure is a love language,” he says.

He looks down at me, covered in spit and eyes brimming with tears.

“It’s a weird thing. Wanting you to hurt so I know you care.”

He’s right. It’s odd. But as I continue to push the dildo into my throat, I find peace for the same reason: I know he cares.

The other day L and I were on the phone during the late afternoon heat of summer.

He was laying in his bed, relaxing and half dozing.

And I was laying on my floor, relaxing and half dozing.

Even miles apart, it simply felt right. Our places.

That special sort of peace I feel with him – I’d spend all my time chasing it if it wasn’t so easy to find.

It’s been a week since L and I started a new accountability exercise together. In response to my starting to crave a return to D/s and recent lack of focus throughout the day + L’s desire to strengthen the communication between us, we came up with a plan to address both.

We created a task log that has daily activities for me - some chores, some for pleasure. Things like tidying the house, journaling, exercising, adhering to bedtime, etc. Each evening L and I make time to talk through my activities and he checks off each accomplished area.

Why it’s working for us:

• I’m usually really motivated and proactive and don’t need a granular system like this to get shit done. But it’s okay to realize you need help sometimes and it’s also okay to ask for that help. I’ve been so much more focused for the last week, and my overall happiness has increased with my mind and body being more engaged in my day.
• It’s a small step into D/s, but absolutely a step nonetheless. L is the only one who can check off tasks, and he is in a position of power to hold me accountable. I answer to him. We can gauge my emotional responses to the dynamic and increase the intensity of the power exchange gradually over time - if it feels right for both of us.
• Our system creates a space for “check ins” every evening. There is less focus on tasks being complete, but rather how we are doing, how the day treated us. If I don’t workout because my anxiety was crippling, L won’t punish me - but he won’t know what I’m going through unless we check in. We wanted to emphasize our communication and intentionally prioritize conversations rather than the task itself. And of course, I’m aware that there are consequences if I’m slacking and our conversation reveals no true justification. Also, L doesn’t have tasks obviously (lol), but when we have dedicated time to connect, I am also able to check in with him!
• It’s sort of fun… starting with the small things again. L is my best friend, partner, and boyfriend. I know him better than anyone. But we’ve grown a lot in the last couple years, and I’m sure our dynamic will shift from what it was when we first started playing together. This feels like the opportunity to slowly rediscover each other. I’m getting butterflies, and it’s just daily tasks!!!! We love some every day flirty fun!
• Personally, I’m finding joy in the little things and feeling good about my daily accomplishments - while also strengthening my relationship with L. Win/win tbh.

I get off on the knowledge that my freedom is slipping away from me.

The feeling of firm hands holding my arms when wrist cuffs are fitted. The lock clicking into place on my collar. The gag pushed into mouth as you hold my chin in place. The moments of struggle when I test my bindings.

And then the surrender and acceptance that I’m powerless for you.

Please don’t rush through the steps… Spoil me with the intimate joy found in the process of giving you everything.

Please?

L was edging me last night and saying wonderfully terrible things to me. At one point, he said he looks forward to watching me clean our home naked - save for an anal hook tied securely to my collar.

And I edged immediately. After he turned off the vibrator and my body came down from the edge, I couldn’t help but laugh.

We both laughed.

How ridiculous that the most depraved thoughts in his head make me feel so alive.

Good morning L and I played last night for the first time in months and I feel like a whole brand new bitch!!!!!!!!!!

Things I forgot I loved:

• The way he laughs when I whimper
• When he asks me to tell him what a whore/slut I am for him when he knows I’m having trouble speaking
• The moment he turns off the vibe when I’m RIGHT THERE AT THE EDGE
• The way he laughs when he turns off said vibe
• His loving and degrading language dancing together - it makes me weak
• Screaming for him. I simply forgot how wonderful it is to scream for him.

We did a short little session before bedtime, but I’m really excited about how we’re taking more steps back into our power dynamic. He’s being so intentional, we’re moving forward slowly, and constantly checking in with each other. It feels good. Very right. Also very healthy.

I fuck with it!!!!!

Remembering the time I went on a first date with a “Dom” who insisted on ordering for me at my favorite restaurant and didn’t order any of the best dishes and wouldn’t listen to any of my input..

And then he really thought I’d submit to him when he refused listen to my concerns or thoughts about food…???

Like…???? I’m supposed to believe you’ll listen to my concerns about safety, limits and comfort in a power dynamic????????

misssmeat:

Many of you know that I’m a bit of a “pain wimp baby.” In other words, I have a low pain tolerance. Pathetically low.

I tap out of pain play quick. That’s not to say that I don’t enjoy pain. I actually really love being taken to the edge of my pain tolerance and challenging myself to endure – it’s just that my tolerance is usually excessively less than almost absolutely everyone. 

L is a bit of a sadist. When I first learned that, boy, was I fucking CONCERNED. My dream man had found me and, in that realization, I felt that I wasn’t going to be good enough for him. I immediately knew that he wouldn’t be able to do the same impact play with me that he enjoyed with past partners. I also knew that no matter how much I was crushing on him, I had to respect myself and set my limits - and accept that we may not be a good match. That he may not choose to explore a relationship with me, and that was okay. That we’re all entitled to find a partner that fits our needs and desires. 

I remember that conversation and holding my breath when I told him that I might not be the right fit for him. I remember him sitting on my words for a moment, thinking. Me filling the silence, babbling about how it was fine if he left, I understood, no big deal, no harm done, totally fine - I’M FINE. 

I remember him gently shushing me, laughing at how I aggressively tried to give him an out. 

Then he explained. 

Finding pleasure in hurting me isn’t about the force behind his impact or out-performing the last spanking session he gave to another partner. It isn’t about any measurable unit of force or pain. 

L told me that what mattered most to him was my willingness to endure the discomfort for him. He may not be able to flog me as hard or as long as others, but he knows that when I submit to the pain, I am in full surrender. Trusting him to take me just far enough, but never too far. My submission gives him the power to hurt me, and I revel in the pain because I know it’s part of how he adores me. 

In the months we’ve been together, L has never made me feel pressured to accept more pain than I can handle. He only asks that I challenge myself to suffer to my limit for him. Give him everything that I can. So, I do.

And I am enough. 

Day 17

What does trust mean to you in the context of submission?

Trust is at least half of what makes submission work.  I think truly wanting to submit is the other half, at least in my experience so far.  And it has to be full-on trust- not just that I can trust that he won’t do anything bad to me on purpose (which should be a given), but trust that he knows me well enough to make decisions that are supportive and affirming of who I am as a person (not trying to make me into something I’m not) and align with where we are headed individually and as a couple.  It doesn’t matter how much I want to submit, without trust, I just couldn’t- at least not in the way I do now.  He’s my dominant all the time and in all the areas of our lives.  I wouldn’t be able to give all of that control to someone who didn’t know what made me tick and have my best interests at heart. 

5 February 2021

Credit: 30 Days of Submission Prompts by @barefootbychoice.

Day 16

Have you found your submission has changed with different partners/relationships? If you’re involved with partners of both sexes, does your submission relate or change based on gender or does it depend on the person?

This is the only D/s relationship and partner I’ve ever had.  I know I could just skip, but then it wouldn’t be complete.

31 December 2020

30 Days of Submission: Day 15

Day 15 (& a life update)

Has your submission evolved over time? If so, how has it evolved for you and if not (or if you are just starting out) how might you see or imagine it evolving in the future?

We’ve been D/s for about 6 months, so there really hasn’t been too much evolution.  I feel like we’re still settling in and figuring out how to handle new situations.  I love being his submissive, and we’ve experienced a lot of growth together as a result of this shift in our relationship.  I’m so happy with how things are- our D/s feels quite natural.  In the future, we’ve talked a little about just pushing a little further, especially once i have a little bit more time and emotional bandwidth.  I think he’d like to incorporate more in-the-moment service- right now a lot of what he expects from me is laid out, and it allows me to plan for it day-to-day.

Since the pandemic gave us a lot of time to breathe and reconnect and just recalibrate our lives in general, I think we both have a lot clearer vision of what we want and need.  I’ve been largely absent on here for a few months because my particular job takes a lot of my emotional energy and time.  For a long time, I was okay with that because it’s meaningful work.  I’ve tried time and again, year after year, and tried again very hard this year to make it work- trying to figure out ways to keep from spending 10-12 hours a day working when I’m only contracted for 7.5, trying to trying to figure out how to keep an emotional even-keel despite being very invested in the work I do and the people I work for/with, trying to figure out how to hold enough energy and emotional resources back for my time at the end of the day when I get to be with D.  But it’s like I can’t do this job without putting everything in.  I know it’s important work, and it’s not something I can do and be happy with if I’m not putting everything in.  I questioned myself on this for a long time (years) because I know a lot of people can do this as a job- they don’t all work the hours I do, they don’t all have trouble turning it off at the end of the day.  But I do have trouble- so maybe it’s a mismatch, and my personality just isn’t a super great fit for that type of work since I’ve been doing this for 8 years and it’s still not getting better/easier for me.

Anyway, I’m switching gears into something that will pay me for the hours I work and can just be “a job” that I won’t be thinking/wondering/worrying about after the day is done and won’t require me to work so many hours after hours.  I put in notice a couple of months ago to give them time to find my replacement, so in a couple weeks I’ll be finished at my current job, and then I’ll be taking classes this semester to get certified for my new line of work.  D is very excited to have me back to my not-stressed-out-all-the-time self, and without all my walls up all the time.  I’ve mentioned before that the time/emotional investment that I end up making every year has been an issue, but since we’ve figured things out between us and had the down-time from the pandemic, it’s been very clear to me as well how much my current work affects everything else in my life.

I know this might sound dumb, but I think 2020 has made it very clear to me that this is my life- and I get one shot.  I think before I was always very cautious- get good grades in school so that you can get a good job, work hard and save up so that you can buy a house and eventually retire… like everything was always in preparation for the next step or the next event.  I kept my head down and kept plugging away toward the next goal or the next step and not even really realizing that I was LIVING the only life I’ll have.  So I’m ready now to focus more on the important relationships in my life, live more in the moment, and enjoy the life we’ve built together.  

30 December 2020

Day 14

Does religion have any bearing on your decision to submit? If not, are you familiar with religious based submission and do you view it as similar to other types of submission or dissimilar?

I wasn’t drawn to D/s or DD because of religious reasons or because I felt like it was the “right” way to have a relationship.  I chose those things because they felt like a good fit for me and my personality and my desire for structure and accountability.  So we didn’t choose this style of relationship for religious reasons.

I’ve thought about it a lot, and I really am not sure that I have a clear-cut answer to whether religious based submission is similar or dissimilar to my submission.  I think it’s important that it’s the choice of the people that enter into a power exchange relationship.  I chose submission because I like how we work together in this style of relationship.  If others choose it for other reasons, I’m not sure if it would be similar or dissimilar to mine- I suppose as long as they’re happy and fulfilled and thriving in their relationship it would be similar, but if they feel like they’re doing it in any way against their will, or against their better interests, then it would be dissimilar.  

Day 13

Is sexual availability, being available to your partner any time he or she wants, part of your submission? Why or why not? Are there limits to this?

Sexual availability is definitely part of my submission.  ‘Why?’ is kind of a tough question to answer, I think in our case it’s simply because he wants it that way and I’m happy to have it in our agreement.  I like knowing that I belong to him and that he can (and does) use me when he wants.  I think this is another area that continues to reinforce how we work together as dominant and submissive.  When he tells me to come work on his cock or to go to the bedroom, I do.  Sometimes my mind isn’t in the same place as his in that moment, but just because I’m not there in the beginning, doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy what we’re doing once we get started.  I’m always his submissive and that entails a lot of areas of our lives, but my sexual submission is a really important aspect for both of us.

The thing that makes it work for us is that D is tuned into me.  He takes our situation and surroundings and how I’m feeling physically and emotionally into account.  I think there are probably a lot of additional limits (like illness, public places, etc.) that we’ve never really discussed explicitly just because we’re already on the same page, and if we did bump into something unexpectedly we’d discuss it at that point.

15 November 2020

Credit: 30 Days of Submission Prompts by @barefootbychoice.

30 Days of Submission: Day 12

Day 12

Do you include financial submission within the definition of your own submission and if yes, how does it manifest itself? If no, is there a particular reason why? Are you familiar with the concepts of financial submission? Do you have an opinion about financial submission in general?

Since we’ve been married (>10 years), I’ve been the primary one to handle the banking and finances.  We’re both responsible with money, but I have the stronger “saver” personality/mentality of the two of us.  I think of handling our bills/finances as another type of service, even though it isn’t something we’ve really talked about specifically in the context of D/s.  

We’re a vanilla to D/s couple, with a very small “time as D/s” : “time as vanilla” ratio at this point, so there are plenty of things that I think we approached differently because of that in the beginning of our relationship.  We didn’t view things through a D/s lens when we were establishing our relationship, so some things look totally different for a couple like us compared to people who knew they were D/s from the outset.  That being said, while there’s not exactly a set dollar amount purchase limit these days (we have had those in the past), we’ve always talked about moderate-major purchases.  It’s not something we’ve ever really struggled with because I think we both agree that it’s courteous and necessary in our relationship to discuss those things with each other beforehand.

I think sharing a financial life with someone (D/s or not) is a big step.  It’s not something that should be rushed.  Trust is absolutely crucial.  I think that financial submission is one of those terms that could mean a lot of different things and have a lot of different levels, but having a long-term track record with a dominant beforehand and knowing their financial habits and character and morality would all be things that I would have to know/trust on a soul deep level before making that choice to hand over the reigns. I would absolutely trust D with that, but I don’t think either of us are looking to mess with the current system.

31 October 2020

Credit: 30 Days of Submission Prompts by @barefootbychoice.

Day 11

Do you include service as a part of your expectations of your submission? How do you define service? What does it mean to you? If not, what is it about the concept of service that is not for you?

Service is a part of my submission, and I think it’s central to making the dynamic work for both of us.  I feel like both of us serve the other in different ways and that fuels the exchange.  

Service to me is doing something for the other person that they need, want, or short of them actively wanting something, doing something for them that they like or enjoy when it happens.  Since being on tumblr, I’ve seen a lot of more formal types of service, but it’s not really something that we have ventured into.  In our relationship, a lot of my service to my dom is domestic.  I take care of the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning.  Sexual service is probably the other area that’s specifically laid out in our dynamic.  There are some other ways I serve, but they’re more sporadic or as-needed types of things.  Sometimes he’ll ask me to price/schedule some of the maintenance stuff around the house, or if we need appointments with the vet or insurance folks or our accountant or something I typically handle that kind of thing when he asks.  Occasionally, he will ask me for a drink refill or to bring him something while we’re eating dinner.

Service within our relationship means a lot to me because I think it’s a really important way for me to show him that I really do value him and appreciate all that he does for me.  I want him to know that he’s important and deserves to feel loved and appreciated.  I know that acts of service is the most direct way for my husband in particular to feel loved, and it makes me happy to do those things for him.

D/s has really started a cycle that has just kept rolling and reinforcing itself since we first wrote our agreement.  By him outlining our rules (including the service described above) and holding me accountable for them, I was able to latch on to that structure and repetition in my days.  That helped me to reliably serve him in the ways he needed.  Getting his needs met fills him up, and he pours back into me, and it just keeps going.  It’s incredibly fulfilling to be able to know that I am able to reach him on that level that feels really deep to both of us.  It was sometimes a struggle for me before the structure and explicit expectations, but having this style of relationship has really just clicked into some previously unrecognized needs for both of us and connected us in a deeper way.

30 October 2020

Credit: 30 Days of Submission Prompts by @barefootbychoice.

Day 10

Does any element of BDSM occur as a part of your submissive relationships? How do you feel about BDSM? Is it core to your submission, peripheral or non-existent (other than the submission part)?

There are some aspects of BDSM that we do engage in, though probably in the ultra-lite variety.  We don’t use any bondage gear, but he’ll use his body to pin me down or hold my arms or wrists in a certain position, or hold me in position by my hair, or wrap his hand around my throat.  He does spank, but it’s never crossed over into our “play.”  Almost all of the actual things we do together are things we’ve always done, but it feels very different in light of the power exchange.  

I suppose to answer the question, I’d say it’s either peripheral or non-existent, depending on what one classifies as being under the BDSM umbrella.  I’m super open to more kink exploration, but it’s not a need for me.  The thing that definitely falls into my need category is that he takes on the dominant role during sex.  It’s always been very hard for me to initiate, and while we were still 50/50 or vanilla, it was at times an issue between us because I wasn’t ready or able to communicate about my submissive side.  There were definitely times I tried to explain, but I think in this case actually having a word/label (being ‘a submissive’ and asking him to be ‘my dominant’) was helpful because it helped give him a reference point for how I was really feeling.  I tend to feel really self-conscious and uncomfortable initiating or steering, but in the submissive role, I can let go.  I’m a VERY willing participant, but I very much prefer for him to tell me what he wants and/or take what he wants :)

29 October 2020

Credit: 30 Days of Submission Prompts by @barefootbychoice.

30 Days of Submission: Day 9

Day 9

Do you accept and/or expect structure, rules and limits as a part of your submission? How do you feel about them?

Structure, rules, and limits are part our dynamic.  They are central to how we do things, and they are a big part of my needs as a submissive.  

In our relationship, the rules are where we started.  There is a certain amount of structure that has been added to my day-to-day personal life just by having the rules in place.  The added structure has served both of us well, but from the perspective of my submission, I think the rules and structure aspect has helped me focus more on the goals that I have as a person and as his partner.  It’s really easy for me to get sucked into work because there are always a million things that need doing and I can make a list and go through and check those things off.  My personal life and relationships often took a back seat because it’s not that easy.  It’s life and it’s messy and you can’t check it off of a list.  But having a D/s relationship with rules and structure has in some way given me a way to prioritize things that are important to me and my husband and my relationship.  The rules help, but it’s where the rules come from that really make them important to me personally.  He knows me, he knows where I struggle.  He did a fantastic job of putting together a list that help me see and prioritize where I spend my personal time.  The rules address things I need to do for myself, things he needs from me, and things that serve us as a couple.  I know that following those rules each day means that I’m putting my energy into the right places in my personal life.  The things I work to do each day serve both of us as individuals and as a couple.  I’m incredibly grateful for the rules and structure my dominant provides.

Unlike the rules and structure, I don’t interact emotionally with the limits within our relationship very often.  It may be because we’ve been together for so long and know where those unconscious/unspoken limits are, but we haven’t really bumped into any limits for either of us at this point.  I originally had some limits for my submission, but eventually I handed those areas over to D.  We’re very new, so it’s possible that we could run into situations down the road, but I’d imagine that we would talk it through and establish those things as limits if we needed to.

Also, we voted today :). It felt great. 10/10 would recommend.

26 October 2020

Credit: 30 Days of Submission Prompts by @barefootbychoice.

Day 8

Is spanking or corporal punishment a part of your submission? Why or why not?

Spanking is part of my submission.  It’s one of the punishments that we agreed could be used.  There are others that are also on the table, but this is the main one he uses.  I think it’s the most intimate punishment we have.  Normally I’m over his lap and in some state of undress which in and of itself is something that feels intimate because it would only happen with him.  Submitting to a punishment spanking requires me to have a lot of trust in my dominant.  A spanking literally puts him in control of me physically until he decides it’s over.  It can connect me to that feeling of submission to him if I’ve been too focused on other things.  Kneeling in front of him before or after it happens while we talk about what happened and how we will handle it going forward connects us.  

25 October 2020

Credit: 30 Days of Submission Prompts by @barefootbychoice.

Day 7

Do you accept and/or expect discipline or punishments as a part of your submission? How do you feel about it?

Discipline and punishment are a part of our dynamic.  I feel like it supports us in areas of our relationship where we used to have friction before.  I’m actually really happy with how things have worked out in this aspect.  

It is so much easier to be disciplined about sticking to a routine in my personal life when it is as clear-cut and detailed as what we have now.  It is so helpful for me to know exactly what his expectations are and what he needs from me each day.  I think D/s has made it much easier for him to be direct with communicating those things to me.  He is always a very disciplined person- it’s one of the many things I admire about him.  I tend to get hyper-focused for shorter bursts, but with down times in between.  The rules and structure he has set up and how he holds me accountable daily definitely help me to be more evenly disciplined in our personal lives.

Having punishment as a part of our relationship is also helpful.  It can provide me with that little extra push to do something that I really just don’t feel like doing when my desire to please is not as potent as usual.  I don’t like to get to the point where he needs to punish, so that is often enough on an emotional level.  And I suppose that if that ever wasn’t enough, the physical punishment itself would be another layer of deterrent.  Usually when I end up getting punished it’s for forgetting to do something or missing an instruction that wasn’t an immediate request.  There were a couple times where I took cuddle-fighting or teasing too far and those were times I knew I was on the edge, but other than that I haven’t been punished for direct disrespect or willful disobedience.  

To some (especially those outside of D/s or DD) it might seem harsh to punish for forgetting something when it’s unintentional, but for me its actually helpful.  I mentioned before that if I know that I can’t keep up with something perfectly it can be hard for me to stay motivated to do it at all.  So certain things under the housework umbrella could go undone for quite a while especially while I’m busy with work, or staying disciplined about planning out our meals for the week and doing a large grocery trip could easily go out the window with me if I’m not “on a streak.”  With him holding me accountable (which for us includes punishment), I don’t struggle as much.  If I do forget something, he addresses it and we move on.  It’s so much easier for me to just try again.  Not having the perfect streak doesn’t kill my motivation to keep trying anymore.  Before it felt more like I was at the whim of my emotional energy level and my ability to pep-talk myself into trying to get back in the swing of things if I had failed in some way.  Now he’s the steady hand from the outside that kind of keeps me propelled forward :)  

24 October 2020

Credit: 30 Days of Submission Prompts by @barefootbychoice.