#unanswered questions
For me it’s all the good and bad and everything in between. It’s the light that glimmers in your eyes when you get excited, it’s the pain you try to hide when you struggle to open up. It’s your ability to be vulnerable and kind after everything. It’s your will to change and want to be better. It’s your laugh at the stupidest little things that make you fall over and hug yourself. It’s your passion for the things you love. It’s how intelligent you are without realizing it. It’s your humor to turn a bad mood into a good one. It’s your compassion to help wherever you can. I could keep going but it comes down to the fact that as imperfect as you may feel at times you are so much more than you realize. You are a total goofball, stupidly smart, annoyingly kind, intriguingly complex, genuinely handsome, and are beyond good enough. You are so much more than you give yourself credit for and deserve nothing less than spectacular.
4/20/22 03:00
She was the girl that had all the love in the world to give. He was the guy who couldn’t love her back, who couldn’t show how he really felt, who couldn’t give her the love that she deserved and it broke her. She would question why she wasn’t good enough. Why? No matter how much she gave, she never got it back, and instead of blaming him, she blamed herself. She stayed up countless nights wondering where things went wrong or what she could do differently to change them. When it came down to it and it wasn’t working anymore. He left and she was still broken. She thought maybe he was the only reason that she was ever happy, but the truth is he didn’t make her happy. It was the love that she was giving that made her happy. It was caring for someone and seeing someone else smile that made her happy and even though she didn’t feel that happiness herself, she was okay with that. He was happy and he was all that mattered to her.
02:19 4/20/22
I don’t remember the night we met much besides bits and pieces, but the next day I knew I was going to be in trouble. You were so real and reminded me so much of myself, my home, and I knew you were blind to it, so I did what I do best and ignore it and let other people be happy. Then you were suddenly him, my new go to, my best friend, a new piece of myself I found.
Life is blurry though, things happen we can’t control and I remember why I don’t cross these lines, it’s easier to push it down and make someone else happy. I want to be happy though, I know I deserve it, I just don’t think I’ll ever get it. So it’s time for me to stop trying and shut up and go back to the place we were, to keep looking elsewhere because you don’t want what’s right in front of you. I have to be content with where I am and trust where I’m going, you’re special and I know it, but life has other plans and that’s okay, i just need time.
4-19-22 01:24
Why is it the scariest thing you can do is be yourself? Because at the end of the day when you let down those walls and show someone all the good, bad, and grey in between they often leave. It’s one thing to have someone judge you and leave when your walls are up. But to show all of you unapologetically and not be enough? For love to turn into hate? There’s nothing more cruel than to feel as though you are the problem and being yourself is a crime. So it’s easier to hide. To be the wild child, the life of the party, the one who doesn’t care, because if they don’t like it then it’s easier to deal with knowing it’s not the real you.
4-18-22 1:05am
“What are you supposed to do when you spend your entire life worried that you’ll never be enough and terrified you’ll always be too much?”
2/16/22 3:20am
“I’m still trying to learn how someone could ever love me.”
2/14/22 3:06
“New people are scary…it’s a blank slate but at the same time I get all these butterflies and act a fool.”
1:10 10/5/21
“Holding you is something more special and peaceful than words can describe.”
1/11/21 00:41
“I always loved you more than you loved me, I tried not to I knew I’d get hurt but I’ve never stopped loving you in spite of that.”
1/7/21 21:24 j
“From the day I met you I wanted you, now I want you again. I loved you once and I want to fall in love with you all over again and every time after that till we get it right.”
1/7/21 01:33 j
All I want is to go fishing with you and wake up to your face everyday and love you like I’m never going to lose you.
1/6/21 3:45pm
You say you don’t like who I’ve become and what I do but I do what I do and am who I am unapologetically, you have never tried to get to know the real me, I hide it in a cage in the corner in the dark I reveal pieces of it at times, but I am amazing, I am hurt I have been broken and I make no apologies for how I’ve tried to fix what you broke, but before you judge me know you’ve only seen what I like to show. What I write what reveal by my gestures and words have more meaning and more of me than I will show anyone ever. I show you my worst parts, my broken parts, my desire to improve and rise above what I’ve been through. It may not be pretty or beautiful but it is me. I would do anything for those I care about no matter how much I’ve been scorned or looked diwn upon for my decisions. When I love I love with more than the passion of the whole universe. I will never stop trying for what I believe in and I’ve always believed in you, I let myself suffer and hurt for you to grow because it’s what you needed. Every choice I’ve made was for you, because I’ve loved you since the day I laid eyes on you. You’ve asked me why I love you a d how I could, but the love I have for you is intangible I can’t put it into words most of the time because it’s a never ending story you are me you are paradoxical. You are light and dark, good and bad, love and hate, logical and crazy, nothing and everything adds up and that is why I love you because despite it all we’re both standing here still, and if all this doesn’t make it clear to you I don’t think anything ever will. I choose you, and if you don’t choose me I will go on living my life, regretting that the best decision I ever made for us was the best and worst mistake of my life, I love you inspite of everything, I am still in love with you. Can you say the same?
5:45 ¼/21 j
“They say love conquers all so I can only hope that my love for you will work out in the end.”
5:31 ¼/21
“When I believe in something I fight for it and will do all that I can, so if you will let me I will fight for you, for us.”
3:00 1/3/21 j
“I’ve come to one conclusion about life love is all that matters whether it is returned or not it is a blessing to feel alive from it.”
1:15 1/3/21
But I can’t deny how I feel and have felt any longer. I understand how you feel, but I’ve needed to say this, because everytime I say good bye to you it’s the hardest thing for me in the world and I’m terrified it will be the last time. I was ready to leave everything and make the jump and move in with you when I was down here last time, I decided if you chose me over her I was all in and that nothing else mattered besides our blank slate. Instead I got a different answer not the fairytale I’d hoped for. I’m thankful for everything you’ve done for me and hopefully I’m writing this as an additional thank you for helping me move stuff into my house. I just needed you to know that despite all we’ve been through nothing and everything has changed, I realize how much I truly love you and what lengths I would go to for you, I’m sorry this is so long but you know how I get when my feeling and thought merge on paper. I look forward to hearing your response from this even though I’m sure it won’t be what I want, but I needed to say this so I hope you’ve heard every word. I will love you always. Thank you for everything regardless.
1:02am 1/3/21 j
I need to get this off my chest, ever since the moment I saw you I felt this weird connection and I had to know you, over three years we had a lot of ups and downs and instead of letting go like I should’ve I kept fighting hoping I could help. Eventually I realized nothing I did could fix us. The only way to help you was for me to leave. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life and i didn’t want to but had to for you. It hurt me in ways I didn’t know it could. And I’m sorry for hurting you in the same ways. The last 6 months have been so hard but I knew it was for the best everytime you came back is push you away, and then you finally got to my heart again, I saw the change and difference I’d been waiting for, but it was too late. You’ve fallen in love with her and have took bigger leaps with her then you’d even have discussed with me. You love her more in 3 months than you loved me in over 3 years and that’s what hurts the most. By doing what was best for you I hurt myself but I also learned a lot. They say something if you love it let it go and if it was meant to be it will come back to you. My only fear is that you won’t ever cone back to me because I’ve never seen you look or talk about me how you talk about her. It breaks my heart, I’ve tried to move on in so many ways until I recently decided that what I’ve felt for you won’t change. The same goes for zach, sometimes when you meet someone there’s this crazy connection and feeling the first time you meet them and no one else compares. I’ve only felt that twice in my life abd bith were slightly different, and I can’t find it by looking for it it comes out of the blue and found me when I least expected it to. Bith times I pushed it away and did things I’m not proud of. I can only hope that life graces me with it a third time, or that those I’ve pushed away will come back to me again. Since I left Navarre you’re all I’ve thought about, you’ve haunted me in my dreams every night and in my daily thoughts. I won’t lie I’ve been sad and I miss you, but I told you I loved you and you didn’t say it back, and now I realize you don’t love me anymore and you only say you do when your lonely. That’s what hurts more than anything because every time you call I pick up and I always will. I never lied about that, I told you I would always be there and I have been, but this unrequited love is killing me. I can’t look in your eyes without seeing all we had good or bad, seeing how you’ve grown into the man I always knew you could be, but seeing and hearing about you and her destroys me inside. I’ve always wanted that fairytale love where you’d realize you’d made a mistake you’d show up out of nowhere in the pouring rain or something and tell me how much you’ve missed me and how you’ve been wrong all along and don’t know how you didn’t see it in front of you the whole and that you’d choose me over anyone in a million lifetimes and that you love me and only me. I’ve wanted grandgestures and something magical to happen when I need it most. It’s my fault as much as I don’t like to admit it I’m a hopeless romantic. Ever since I left I’ve waited for a this call or that you’d show up on my doorstep. Christmas and New Years aren’t the same without you and I cried almost those entire days hoping you’d show up or call. You never did you were happy with her. Happier than I’ve ever seen and it felt like I was drowning all over again. I like to think I’m amazing at these grand gestures and stupid messages and that they will change something by saying everything I’m saying like they would in a movie. I’m gonna say that I don’t think that will happen but a part of me will hope otherwise. So onto my last part now, I’ve moved here to the place I’ve always wanted, you moved here too before me, I can’t help but think it’s meant to be. It’s stupid and it’s silly but I want to wake up and see you every morning and I want to hold you before I go to bed and everything in between. I feel like I’ve made some mistake by breaking up woth you but I know it was what was best for us both to grow as people
1/3/21 j
“Sometimes the best decision you can make is to go.”
2:41 10/4/20
“I’ve drifted further from myself, the next I’ve been lately is not who I want to be or who I really am. My emotions and choices are a result of me trying to project something I’m not in hopes of being happy and trying to fill this void. I need to let go and do what’s best for me.”
2:30 10/4/20 j
“Everything was almost good, everything was almost ok for once. It almost was.”
10:36pm 9/28/20
