#spilled truth

Who’s bored during this quarantine

*deletes history*

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‘Inside I am all hollow, winding—

how I imagine a turned-out seashell—

and in the very centre there lives a china woman,

gathering water from my inner well.’

'break,’ - Megan’s Poetry #1280

‘guilt is a flower; it takes root, tangling

down the spine and round the lungs—

it waits, snake-like, for its chance to blossom;

today, it is done.’

'guilt,’- Megan’s Poetry #1279

‘I was born into a thorn-bush;

now, as if I were the one to fall,

I must find the thorns lodged in my breast

and remove them, one and all.’

'the thorn-bush,’ - Megan’s Poetry #1278

‘I know not; I kneel still;

surely there is direction

in a pleading posture’s lines?’

'ayin,’ - Megan’s Poetry #1272

‘I am pursued by a formless being:

it gives constant chase, so I live fleeing—

first plucking the Sun, as I might fruit to eat,

it strides across the sky with a hunter’s feet;

its Brobdingnagian limbs now cross the land,

where it catches the moon in one clawed hand—’

'time,’ - Megan’s Poetry #1271

‘I cry the tears you claw from me now

with knowledge that they are my pre-emptive mourning;

my eyes, you say, cannot see—

but at least I am not blind to where our story is going.’

'pre-emptive mourning,’ - Megan’s Poetry #1270

‘love, meat-like, only serves to make us sick in the rawness of it—

tame your feeling; for I will not stand to be bowled by the strength of it.’

'love, meat-like,’ - Megan’s Poetry #1268

‘the days uncoil;

strips of rain—

I will not shiver under this 'slaught again;

I will miss not the times, but Time—

that great beast— I have never trapped him;

still, I do not let him go with ease.

—what happens in the dryness?’

'the days of the desert,’ - Megan’s Poetry #1267

‘you weigh yourself out in pieces—

tiny morsels, bites of nothing

that regardless make you bleed.

just when you’ve rationed enough to make the scales even

they change the recipe.’

'day to day,’ - Megan’s Poetry #1265

‘and I’d sever my right hand

to have you kiss the left—

I’d burn in flames

if I thought you’d love the ashes.’

'unloved,’ - Megan’s Poetry #1264

For me it’s all the good and bad and everything in between. It’s the light that glimmers in your eyes when you get excited, it’s the pain you try to hide when you struggle to open up. It’s your ability to be vulnerable and kind after everything. It’s your will to change and want to be better. It’s your laugh at the stupidest little things that make you fall over and hug yourself. It’s your passion for the things you love. It’s how intelligent you are without realizing it. It’s your humor to turn a bad mood into a good one. It’s your compassion to help wherever you can. I could keep going but it comes down to the fact that as imperfect as you may feel at times you are so much more than you realize. You are a total goofball, stupidly smart, annoyingly kind, intriguingly complex, genuinely handsome, and are beyond good enough. You are so much more than you give yourself credit for and deserve nothing less than spectacular.

4/20/22 03:00

I am toxic to myself. I have this overwhelming desire to be loved, wanted, and needed. For someone to really see me and just want me. To be the first and only choice, not an option.

As much as I put on the show of the tough strong independent girl who doesn’t need anyone or anything. I am glass, it appears tough but one wrong move and I break easily the littlest things put cracks everywhere that can’t be fixed until I just shatter.

You scare me. You’re nice to me and I’ve never had anyone genuinely care and just be nice. The little things you do scare me to death but it’s like a drug I can’t get enough of. I only see myself getting hurt but I don’t want to stop, I want to let you break me. You make me feel things I didn’t think I could or would ever let anyone make me feel again. You tore down my defenses without me realizing it and I’m scrambling to rebuild them. You completely terrify me in a way that is addictive. You make me feel so comfortable in a way I never thought I could. I’m trying not to stumble and fall. Everything you do I find so intoxicating but one mistake may have killed everything before it even started. I can’t get it out of my mind, but I can’t get you out of it either. I don’t know what to do.

It was easier when we were friends, I knew where I stood, it was safe. Then you had to go and push my boundaries and give me a taste of what I’d wanted since I saw you. Then I caught myself falling slowly confused and unsure. It hit me then out of nowhere I liked you, then everyday it just got better and better. I was so hopeful and as soon as I said it out loud it all came crashing down. Now I’m hurt when I shouldn’t be, jealous when I have no right, confused because I thought I was good enough, angry because I let my guard down. We talked everything made more sense, I saw you on my birthday I didn’t know how to act. I put on my smile and best chill vibe and tried to be normal. I knew better than to cross the line I did, but I wanted it. I saw all the good and fell for it and now I’m back to square one as always. It’s hard not to take it personally when the same things keep happening.

Part of me wants to yell, scream, cry and just lay it all out there, but your not him. We aren’t anything, never were. We don’t have years of history, we don’t have anything to even give me the right to do that. All I can do is write it out on here to try and relieve some of the stress, because what good would any of it do? It doesn’t matter that I would do everything I could in the world to make you happy, it doesn’t matter that I’d always be there, it doesn’t matter that I’d help however I could, it doesn’t matter that I’d really genuinely care. None of it matters because I will still never be enough. It’s in my dna to never be enough for anyone and I’m scared that’s the fate I’m doomed to.

Late night thoughts 3/14/22 02:19

Thought that the thoughts would stay at bay as we grew closer,
But, I guess that they never truly go away

So, what do I do now?
Accept that the thoughts will always be there?
Or just…push everyone
Away.

So then, I can at least be positive as to where they stand…

We haven’t spoken for a couple of months after I left, because I was losing myself in the process of loving you. We were toxic for each other, we both know that. But all I can remember is the beautiful moments and laughter we shared. And looking back at those moments, I suddenly forget why I left.

You showered me with lovely words from the very beginning, even when I told you I don’t fall in love easily. When I finally let my guard down and gave in to your love, you changed. Your friendly manners turned mean and the goodnight calls disappeared into thin air. This is why I don’t let people in.

I can’t listen to shitty breakup songs about you leaving me, because I am the one who left. You drove me to the point where I just couldn’t take it anymore. And that doesn’t mean that I don’t love you anymore, it just means that I lost myself in the process of loving you.

Every time I feel happy for a moment, I wonder when life comes crashing down. And usually it doesn’t take long for something to happen that ruins my perfect moment. Maybe I’m not supposed to be happy. Why?

Every night I try to remember the time we were happy together. How we stared into each others eyes and couldn’t believe this love between us would ever fade. But now I’m alone with a hole in my chest. Your love for me did fade, but my love for you never did. So here I am, feeling incomplete, while you move on with your life without me. 

Before I fell in love for the first time, I didn’t get how two people could just break up and never talk to each other again. How could you do that after all the history you made together, I thought. But now, as I am heartbroken, I get it. You can’t just go back to being friends and pretend like nothing happened between you two. You can’t watch your ex-lover move on and meet someone else. It’s simply too hard to watch the person you once loved more than you loved yourself, look at someone else the way they looked at you.

You always told me I shouldn’t worry about her. She was just a friend, you said. I notice the way you talk about her with that spark in your eyes. You used to look at me like that. What did I do to deserve your betrayal? Am I not good enough?

I can’t believe how he could just betray me like that. I’ve done nothing but support and love him no matter what, with only disrespect in return. I’m unsure about a lot of things, but I’m certain I did nothing to deserve being treated like this. That’s why I have to walk away now.

I’d like to believe we will meet each other again when we’re slightly older. Maybe then we could love each other unconditionally, and nothing will be in our way. Maybe we will be right for each other. Maybe.

I can’t believe we went from strangers to friends, from friends to lovers, and then turned into strangers again. I shared everything with you, even my darkest secrets. But now a simple hello seems too hard to say. How did we get here?

I will always choose you, in every lifetime, but you won’t even choose me in one. And I know I cannot love you into loving me.

I don’t want to lose you in my life but we can’t be together the way I want us to be. I guess I’ll have to accept to only have half of you, just so I won’t lose all of you.

If you push me away, you’re not gonna find me where you left me. My heart is big, but not big enough to deal with people who decide to love me when it’s convenient for them.

Nobody told me staying friends with an ex you truly loved is impossible. We can end on good terms, but I can’t be around you anymore. Every small thing reminds me of our time together. And don’t even get me started on your scent, it’s intoxicating.

Reading your old texts is enough for me to fall apart once again. I wish you were the same person as you were in the beginning. How did you turn so cold?  

It hurts so much feeling like I’m never good enough. I feel like I’m only someone temporary until something or someone better comes along. I don’t wanna feel like this anymore. It’s breaking me.

We’ve never skipped a day without talking, until now. It has been three whole days. I don’t know what you have been doing or why you don’t text me anymore. All I know is that I miss you like crazy, but I don’t want to bother you. Maybe it’s supposed to end this way?

All I wanted was to lay down with you after having sex. I just wanted to be held by you. But you didn’t want that. You wanted my body, while all I wanted was your heart.

He told me smoking was bad for me, I never thought he would turn out to be worse. He was the type of person that got stuck, not only in my head, but in my veins too. The type I wrote poetry about, but wouldn’t introduce to my parents. He lit a fire inside of me, and then left me to burn out. I didn’t need to kiss him to feel the sparks, every time his fingertips brushed across my skin, my heart would race like a Maserati. My skin erupted in goose bumps, and my stomach filled with butterflies. And every time his lips met mine, I felt like I was on ecstasy. He was the closest thing to love I ever felt, and now that he’s gone I don’t want to feel it again. When he kissed me for the last time, my heart felt this loneliness; I still haven’t recovered from it.

- an illicit affair