#valerie bertinelli
Beautiful Boy
I’d like you to meet Mark.
A son.
Mark becomes inanimate at the wonder of himself, appraising his bottom lip, disappearing in a halo of vapor.
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1. When Melanie, Joy and Victoria first moved in.
2. Every time she said what everyone else was thinking. Like this time.
3. And this one.
4. When she wasn’t afraid to flaunt what she’s got.
6. Every moment she and Joy went at it.
7. EVERY MOMENT.
8. When Melanie tried to pass for her partner in a lesbian cruise.
Moral of the story? Elka’s a boss.
Follow these rules to be just like your beloved diva.
1. Assume everyone recognizes you- even when they don’t.
2. Know your place in the universe.
3. But don’t know where other places are.
4. Know your strengths.
5. And know your weaknesses.
6. Give your children unsolicited stage advice.
7. Don’t settle for anything less than the best.
8. Do whatever it takes to to advance your career. Even if it means wearing diapers.
9.HateSusan Lucci
10. Always remember, anything you say is a major announcement.
Watch Victoria’s final act on the series finale of Hot in Cleveland on Wednesday at 10/9c on TV Land!
1. When she woke up in bed surrounded by candy wrappers.
2. She woke up dressed as an Amish man.
3. She woke up duct taped to a wall.
4. She fell into holy water eating a box of communion wafers.
5. She pretended Elka was her girlfriend on a lesbian cruise.
6. She wound up on a ledge dressed as a gargoyle.
7. She accidentally motor-boated her idol’s boobs.
8. She got felt down by a strange woman.
9. She chased a balloon Santa down the chimney.
10. She regressed into her old high school self.
11. She dropped her date’s phone in the soup, then licked it clean.
12. She crawled away from her cheating boyfriend in a terrible disguise.
13. She knocked out her chef with a frying pan.
14. When she told off skinny-obessed Hollywood, “This is what normal looks like!”
See what other kinds of trouble Melanie gets into in our ONE HOUR season finale on Wednesday at 10/9c on TV Land!
Don’t miss a second of our #FarewellSeason! Watch new episodes Wednesdays at 10/9c on TV Land!
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