Bad business

Look, I know commissions may take time. That’s perfectly alright. And I’m sorry for anyone struggling with their mental health. And I get it, you need money.

But money doesn’t grow on trees for your commissioners either and if you get paid for something (and not just a little, $100 is a lot of money for many people) I think it’s only fair to at least be upfront about the status of those commissions you took several months ago.

If you didn’t upload any art during this whole time and never gave any updates except for two measly “uh, working on it, will take some more time” posts, that’s strange. If one of those “updates” includes a call for more commissions because you need more money even though you have apparently not finished (and possibly not even started on) a single one from the old batch of commissions you took, that will at the very least raise some eyebrows.

I also can’t imagine it’s an improvement for your mental health to take on even more work even though you haven’t even finished any of the old (while you have already spent the money you got for this work, no less). Speaking for myself, that would send my brain on a first rate guilt trip.

Not saying you have to be faster about the commissions. Art takes time and energy and your mental health is important. But not communicating properly with the people who paid you is bad business.

thinking about how the job market advice on the SCS website says “don’t limit yourself unnecessarily by geography or types of institutions”

like, the academic job market is not reasonable

my biggest glow up last year was finally being able to tell a guy „no“, telling him to stop touching me, and finally being able to push him away, slap and hit him.

it didn’t work tho that’s why 2022 me will always carry a knife with her :)

Had this thought on the way to work today after getting the second PTO request I put in DENIED, and then getting laughable barely part time hours for the second to last week through June.

A job should never be so awful it makes you cry on the way to clock in for your shift. A job should never make you feel like you’re useless, like nothing you do is ever good enough, like every effort you make is pointless.

Guys I am so goddamn burnout I’ve done a full swing back into a weird emotion halfway between anger spite and just done with bullshit.

Retail sucks. Job hunting, sucks. Putting in applications and not even getting an email for an interview, ESPECIALLY AT YOUR OWN PLACE OF WORK, sucks.

Im just so done.

zmediaoutlet:

if you could completely excise an element from your fandom – like disappear it forever, there would never be another post about it and indeed the thoughts that caused them would never even appear in another fan’s head so as not to potentially foul the air with their presence – what would it be

I have two. Fandom specific: the whole making Sam Winchester a side character in his own fucking canon. Third-wheel!Sam. More specifically the stupid “Sam Leahy” thing, where they take away his very name and give it to Cas as Dean’s husband. This isn’t feminism, you giant weirdos. Don’t even go there.

And in general: DNIs. Do people really not know how social media works? This is what the block button is for. 90% of them are just virtue signaling with DNIs anyways.

OH. I lied. Three things. This last one is also fandom specific: SPN events that boast “Everyone welcome!” and then strictly forbid the second most popular ship in the fandom. Even when it’s a kink event. Like, are you kidding me? This is what tagging is for, and it works. (When you actually use the words, that is, and don’t replace letters with * or / or make up some alternative slang. USE YOUR WORDS, CHILDREN.) SPN used to be the kinkiest fandom to have ever kinked, and now we’re dripping with saccharine faux weddings and coffee shop AUs. It’s seriously a huge loss. 

I just really need to vent about something on here tonight. So I’ve been feeling really panicked because my sibling is moving out soon & leaving me alone with our abusive mom & I’m terrified of living alone with her.

My brother has always been the favorite & went out of his way to exclude me from everything & treat me like I didn’t exist growing up. He’s hard to talk to & we’re not close despite living in the same house. Though recently, I felt like we’d actually established some trust.

HOWEVER, He went on vacation last week and I found out that HE SECRETLY GOT MARRIED while on vacation.

I found out accidentally over facebook of all things.

It was like a massive slap to the face.

He doesn’t know I know. & to make matters worse the only other family member I thought I could trust was in on leaving me out of the loop.

One hand I get it. Being raised in an abusive family SUCKS and destroys relationships. I’m not even pissed that he didn’t invite me to the wedding. He deserves his privacy & having anyone at your wedding that reminds you of your bad up bringing can be a trigger. I’m even happy for him that he gets to live his life & get away from our mom.

But like…. he could have at least given me a heads up???? I am an adult and I would have understood?? & I’m doubly mad at the other family member. Because he’s always trying to make himself like the moderator & the voice of reason in every situation ( he’s really bad at it though) & then he pulls something like this? Though I should have expected this because he and my brother were always like 2 peas in a pod.

I’m just feeling really betrayed because these were the last 2 people I felt like I had any trust in. And now I have no one. I am physically disabled. Stuck living with an abuser…and I have no one on my side.

Also for a really awkward plot twist…. my brother’s new wife looks just like our mom.

(also sorry I haven’t posted in months my illness has been kicking my ass)

Sorry y’all but this is just going to be me pounding my head against the wall for a little bit here, because I need to vomit all these thoughts out SOMEWHERE and no other platform is really set up for it like this one, so if anyone who’s still following me on here sees this and thinks I’m back, well, sorry. It’s just a vent post.

It’s been two weeks since I was let go from my job because of this fucking coronavirus bullshit and being stuck with my own thoughts is. Not good. 

I’m stuck in a position of being out of work and needing a job, but having a skillset that’s entirely based around working in close physical contact with other people. I stupidly decided to go into a dying industry that requires a hard-boiled work ethic when I KNOW that I don’t have what it takes to be an independent photography business, and that there’s no such thing as a 9 to 5 photography job that isn’t retail. My photography is OK and I’ve had people be very happy with it, but I haven’t actually made any real money with it AND there’s so many better photographers out there than me. I’m the epitome of a mediocre white boy surrounded by infinitely more talented people, I just don’t have the self esteem that normally comes with it. 

I’m so fucking mad about the election bullshit, and I’m extremely sour that I’m going to have to vote for fucking B*den in November, because as much as people go on about “blah blah keep fighting” I can’t let the fucking dictator that’s in power now be the one to decide the Supreme Court! I’m so angry that my primary vote effectively means nothing!

I feel unwaveringly, desperately, and terribly lonely, and the problem is that I’ve felt this way LONG before this quarantine was put into effect. I haven’t felt like I’ve had actual close friends, like PHYSICALLY close friends that I can casually hang out with and talk to, since college. Maybe even high school, if I’m being honest. I’ve got people that I’m friends with, of course - lots of them - but SO MANY of them are people I’ve met through conventions and more realistically, convention photography. They all live far away, and 90% of the time that I’m spending with them in person is doing a photoshoot with them. There’s times when I wonder how many of these people would have actually become friends with me if I didn’t have a camera. 

SO MUCH of my social circle is based around conventions, and it’s so frustrating, because I only attend 3, maybe 4 conventions a year total, and meanwhile everyone else goes to like 6 or 7 or something, which means there’s all kinds of interpersonal drama and feuds that I’m not privy to, and I hate getting involved with, and don’t know the right course to deal with. 

And with my social circle being comprised of people I meet at conventions mostly through photoshoots, it also makes the idea of dating a horrible joke. Not only would I feel like I’d be turning into those fucking horrible photographers who only tries to shoot with people to hit on them, the people I wind up attracted to are people who I’d have no shot with ANYWAY. They’re wonderful, lovely, amazing people, but they also tend to be taken, or not compatible sexualities, or other factors. I’m so tired of falling for or getting crushes on people who are completely and totally unavailable or uninterested. 

I hate the feeling of falling for someone just to know that they would never be interested in me that way!! And it feels like that’s the only type of people I fall for!! Like, the easiest way to put it is I feel like I’m just not an attractive person. At all. Not UGLY. There’s a difference. Even with all my body self esteem issues, I don’t think I look too terrible. But there’s something about me, either my body, or personality, or whatever, that people just don’t find attractive in the romantic sense, and it fucking kills me. And I keep getting crushes or keep being sexually attracted to my friends, and they can never know, because then they’ll be creeped out, or think that I was only friends with them to get in their pants, when it’s not true! They’re just hot people and I’m constantly thirsty!!

I want to be held!!! I want someone to hold me and lay on the couch with me and lay their head on my chest and hug me!!! I want to feel like I MATTER to someone, specifically!! Not because I’m a photographer and I can take a nice picture of them, but for being ME!!! I know I’m not the catch of the week! I don’t have a lot of money and even before this quarantine shit happened I didn’t have a great job!!! But there’s people out there who can find love in even worse situations than me and make it work! Why can’t I??? 

And I’m getting older!!! I’m 31! I don’t have a lot of time left to find someone and fall in love and maybe, MAYBE if I’m lucky, have a family!! I want to be a dad some day!! Even with all the bullshit in the world, I want to have a kid and be happy and try to be a good dad! I think I would make a pretty decent father if I had the chance!! But no, I’m just squandering my life away, and I don’t think it’ll ever happen at this point!! 

And I want sex!!! I hate that it’s always on my mind but I’m such a thirsty, sappy bitch of a man and I fucking hate it! But I’m terrified of that too, because I have so little actual experience that I feel like anyone who I would sleep with would find me a total joke! Not to mention that if I can’t even find REGULAR FRIENDS to hang out with who live near me, how the fuck am I going to find anyone nearby who’s open to banging, either in a real relationship or in a casual FwB thing??

I’m just. I’m lonely, and angry, and tired, and my sleep schedule is SO fucked up beyond belief that I’ve been wasting the days away, and I don’t know what to even try to do because what’s the damn point.