Héctor and Ernesto working retail:

Ernesto: *opens box and sees its full of tampons* Ewww… do I really have to put these up?

Héctor: Well, people need them, and we have to be there for the customer’s needs. So yes.

Ernesto: This is embarrassing.

Héctor: And this is why I’m a manager and you’re not.

Phone calls at our store aren’t typically a matter of giving people directions to our location, providing our store hours or pretty much any quick style question you could have for a retailer. Nah, our average phone order takes between 15 and 30 minutes depending on how many questions the customer has about the bedding they want to buy or price out… or depending on how old and lonely the customer is and how much they really need to vent about their life problems.

The phones where we take phone orders are located in our register ring; and if you’re on the phone and happen to be the only associate in immediate sight, the customer will just walk up and stand in front of you waiting… and waiting… and waiting…

I’ll make eye contact with the customer, smile, nod my head, and maybe hold up my index finger… or something…

…just to indicate it may be a moment before I can get to them. Really, I’m just hoping another associate walks by so I can flag them down because let’s be honest… I’m not going to be off the phone in time to help this customer in front  of me. I’m too busy listening to this old woman ramble and rant about how the immigrants in her building are stealing her packages, and that’s why she needs us to send her orders via some mailing method we can’t actually guarantee because she can’t physically make it down to the mail room.

HR: “So, considering your duties, what would you say would have been adequate compensation? What are you making now?”

Me: “I’m making $11.00 per hour now… after over three years starting from $10.00.”

HR: “So, do you think say… $11.25 would be adequate?”

Are you serious? Did you read my exit interview questionnaire answers? Why do you think anybody would work their ass off to earn a measly extra $0.25 per year? That’s the most we can earn if we’re performing our duties above average expectations. That’s shit.

I’m splitting rent and utilities with three other people, and I can only justafford my living expenses on $11.00 per hour… Why do you think I’d find $11.25 more acceptable? That’s only an extra $9.75 per week (even at full time, we almost never hit 40 hrs) before taxes are taken out. Where’s the incentive in that?

If you truly appreciate your employees, pay them like you appreciate them and actually want them to stay with your company.

Helping a customer while she’s looking at duvet covers. She’s the type of customer who doesn’t necessarily need help shopping, but she keeps talking to you anyway because she… well… likes someone to talk to.

She stops when she gets to this particular blue duvet cover - it’s a textured style that has this stretchy bubble ruching all over the top, which makes the comforter look fuller on the bed. She stops and begins explaining, “I bought this duvet cover a few months back, and I love your products, but I’ve never been more disappointed with one of your products than with that cover. It’s just huge. I bought the queen size for my queen sized comforter, and I swear it must hang at least five inches extra on both sides of the comforter. The comforter just swims inside the cover. Oh! I’m just sooodisappointed…”

She goes on like this for twenty minutes, going onto other topics and then coming back to how disappointed she is with that bubble duvet cover. I look at her and suggest, “Why don’t you just return it?” The woman looks at me in shock, “…I cando that?” I’m thinking, Psssh, yeah.Everybody else does. “Yeah, just let me see if I can find your purchase in our system (I was able to), and we’ll give you a store credit for the amount you paid. You can then use that credit towards buying a duvet cover you’d be more happy with - like that daisy pattern you were looking at earlier.”

The woman’s eyes widen, “…but I’ve been using the cover. I’ve washed it, but I’ve been using it. You’ll still take it back?”

”Yeah, I mean… we won’t resell it. You bought it eight months ago. We’re not going to resell it. It’s just going to go away…”

She pauses, looks at me (still somewhat in shock) and adds, “…but that means you’ll be losing money on that sale, right? I mean, if I return it, use the credit to buy a new cover, and then my old cover just gets sent to trash. Your company will be losing money.” 

“I suppose that’s true. However, you seem to be really unhappy with your prior purchase, so this is what we can do for you so you’ll go home with a product you’re happy with.”The woman was so incredibly happy that this was an option for her. I was still terribly amused that it never occurred to her that she could return the cover even after having used it… hell, we’ve had enough people use bedding for nearly a decade and return it expectingthey’ll get their money back or be able to exchange it for replacements.

Sometimes it’s refreshing to offer such services for customers who seemingly don’t expect they’ll get those benefits.

The woman is suuuuper chatty though. She stopped in again today, and she talked with four different associates before coming to a decision on her purchase. She’s pretty nice. Just a little time consuming.

“…and reason for the return?”

“Oh, I bought it for my son. He didn’t like the color.”

The duvet cover is out of the package, so I ask, “Has it been used?”

She replies, “No.“

Finish the return. Issue the credit back to her card. Everyone goes on their merry way. I take the duvet cover over to our folding area to check it over and display it for clearance sale. Throw it on the table, unfold it, notice this light discolored line… look a little closer and…

… jizz. That is most certainly jizz. Quickly wad the duvet cover up into a ball, shove it in a plastic bag, and have my supervisor transfer it out of stock. “What’s wrong with it?” she asks.

“Snail trails. Most definitely snail trails.”

Cornered in a nightmare by two figures that looked oddly like The Silence with bobbed haircuts. They were also wearing 1950s style dresses. Scene was somehow attached to a retail anxiety dream… they were not happy with the current quality of their bedding and were less happy that we wouldn’t give them their money back.

I kept pleading, “You must understand - those sheets are fifteen years old. You can’t really expect them to have stayed perfect for that long!”

Happy Memorial Day, everybody!

While you enjoy your discount shopping, barbequing, camping, and whatever else it is normal people do on long holiday weekends, I’ll simply be waiting for my chance to go home and collapse.

Now if only my sleep wasn’t interrupted by the weird retail anxiety dreams I have.

When customers would take a bedding article (pillowcases, king fitted sheet, etc…) out of its package so they can see what the pattern looks like overall, then balls up said bedding items and shoves the wad back into the package… or doesn’t shove it into the package but just shoves it between some items on a nearby shelf… or just tosses the item onto the floor. Found an entire silk sheet set strewn across some clearance boxes on several occasions… solid color sheet set. Not like the person needed to see what the pattern looked like. Oh, no. They probably just wanted to roll in the fabric for a moment.

…and the courteous customers who actually bring up the unpackaged items saying, “Hey, I took this out of the package and can’t refold it nicely. Do you mind doing it?” are shocked when we smile and thank them for bringing the items and packages to us. It’s just so much nicer than stumbling upon the messes while wandering the store.

…the response I would get from Massachusetts customers who travel to our state to shop. This response usually comes after I’ve given the customer their order total, and they get upset by how much their already discounted merchandise costs.

“No, that can’t be right. That’s so expensive.”

I break down their order by item, give them the purchase total and provide the sales tax amount applied to the order to give them the total I originally told them.

“Well, we have tax free weekends in Massachusetts,” the woman will usually snark (because it’s usually the wives who point this out).

“Yeah… we don’t have tax free weekends in this state,” I’ll respond. What’s that got to do with the customer’s situation right now? Do they actually think I can waive the tax because their home state offers tax-free shopping opportunities? No. I can’t control the fact that we have to charge sales tax. You shop here, you pay tax, end of story. Stop looking at me like I’m supposed to give you extra discounts. You saw the prices, you have no coupons, you still decided you wanted the stuff, so pay up…

Being an outlet store, part of our stock comes from our catalog returns department. Any opened bedding they can’t repackage to look first quality comes to our store as does other second quality merchandise (factory rejects, vendor defective items, etc…)

A coworker and I are unfolding, checking, refolding and repackaging various catalog returns when we come to this one black cotton duvet cover. We take it out of the return’s packaging, unfold it and see that it’s covered in glitter… it’s everywhere - like a glitter cloud just poofs up when we unfolded it to the center.

GLITTER EFFING EVERYWHERE

Prom night gone wrong (or right?) because you know all those dresses are frikken covered in glitter. Maybe the kids’ birthday party got out of hand, or some brat decided the best place to do their school project was on their parents’ bed…

“Were they doing arts and crafts on their bed, and the mom was like, ‘I’m never going to be able to wash this out! Let’s just return it, say it was defective, and just get a new one in exchange.’ I bet you that’s what happened…”

Then my mind went directly to the people who work in our returns department, and I thought, “Why did they think we would resell this? Who’s going to buy a duvet cover that’s sprinkled with glitter? Nobody’s going to buy this. Send it to the employee store… pffft… wasting our time.”

Former coworker messaged me: “Last night I had a customer come into the store at 5:45 (fifteen minutes before closing) and talked to me for ten minutes about how she sold her gold crowns when she had some teeth removed.”

Yeah, I think I’m good.

This will be my first Black Friday where I’m not working………..I’m so fucking happy.

Contrary to popular belief, Spirit Halloween DOES punish employees for customer theft.

Store managers lose their bonuses, employees get fired, and if a certain location has a shrink percentage larger than 10%, that location will not reopen the following year, meaning those employees will not be asked to come back the following year, because they failed to protect the company’s assets.

So not only are you messing with jobs and pay by stealing from Spirit Halloween, but you’ll be why certain locations don’t reopen the following year.

Think about that the next time you thinkk about stealing a shitty Pageboy wig, a $10 choker, or an entire Sexy Little Red Riding Hood costume.

Me: *pulls into the parking lot at work*

Coworker: *sees me while they’re on their break, and does the Gay Squat™️ to let me know I have been spotted*

Me, rolls up next to them with my music blasting, rolls down my window: WHAT’S UP FUCKER?!

Coworker: WHAT’S UP BITCH?!

The two of us: *hang out in the parking lot like the rats we are, until we absolutely have to go inside*

I’m gonna start barking at customers who try on masks despite our giant signs telling them not to, as well as the customers who say, “Your fitting rooms being closed due to COVID won’t stop me from trying this on in the middle of the asiles!”.

In other news, I had a snot-nosed brat come in today, and look at a Halloween mask. I watched him look at our signs that say “Please do not try on masks.” and ask loudly, “I wonder if I can try on masks.” and then DID IT ANYWAY until his grandma told him not to before looking at me for back-up.

“Due to COVID-19, you aren’t supposed to try on masks.”

“WHAT?! THAT’S NOT FAIR!”

Kid, you’re 10 and wearing a Legend of Zelda shirt. Shut the fuck up you fucking future neck beard, and give me the mask you tried on so I can go pour bleach in it your fucking germ-ball. I know your dumbass can fucking read, because you play Zelda, and I know you read our signs. Grow the fuck up.

Dear shitty brats that came into the store today without masks on and then proceeded to cough on everything as you were escorted out of the store;

When you catch COVID, because you refuse to wear masks during a global pandemic, I hope you recover so I can watch you fall off your stupid fucking trick bike, you future highschool dropout.

HowTHE FUCK are you going to tell me to “stop cursing in front of customers”, when we sell a costume that’s a skeleton with a BONER!!!!

when customers try to come up and ask me questions, like girl… you think i work here??