We used to live in a house with a porch surrounded by jasmine vines;crawling around the porch and up

We used to live in a house with

a porch surrounded by jasmine vines;

crawling around the porch and up

to the roof. The smell thick and sweet.

My mind only remembers a few details;

ages one through nine lost within

the walls of self-made protection.

Abuse x neglect equal my brain covering

the memories in a blanket, tucking them in

and putting them fast to sleep.

Sometimes I dream of orange shag

carpets and my little brother’s laughter but

they quickly turn to nightmares laced

with a reality I’m still not sure ever  

really existed but I love the nostalgic

scent of jasmine seeping into my body as

the nightmares drift towards me;

welcoming me home.

I stumbled across an instagram story that said something along the lines of “the trauma brain constantly seeks an environment similar” and I was just thinking how normal that sounded to me. How weirdly comforting it is to sometimes be so connected with those feelings of worthlessness, shame, neglect, etc… Because we are so used to them that things like true unconditional love, self love, pride, safety, etc, are … How easy it is to look back and find something that feels nostalgic in a good way but is actually a warning of the pain that is to come is truly insane… I keep finding things that I think make me happy but actually just feel “normal” and are truly devastating to my peace and it’s so hard to uncover these things. It’s so hard to feel like your “normal” is so twisted and bent out of shape that you have to re-mold it…⁣

Anyways, those are my ramblings for today - this is officially my “I’m back post.” I know it’s heavy but this is where I’ve been at recently. I love you all and I hope you’re doing well. If you’re not, I’m here with you and for you and wishing you healing and growth.⁣⁣

ReBecca DeFazio⁣

More Than A Flower