#poetry society

How do you expect me to feel

when you put the entire

universe inside my heart?

And then one day you decided to

burn everything we nurtured?

The sun died and the clouds

weren’t even crying.

The flowers stood still,

and I cut off the thorns

on all of the roses you gave me

because what was the point of

trying to save them from the wild?

My chest felt like a love struck

battleground, and I was just sitting

next to the armor. Now everyone can

see that I’m not the same person

who once had the entire universe beating

inside the heart that once lived.

-Alexa Evangelista, the book I’ll never finish writing

I want to forgive you. But every time I think about what could’ve happened my heart turns into a natural disaster, and my bones collapse inside of me, and my mind falls Into a pile of purple thoughts. The thing is I’ve sat in front of my mirror and pretended I was hearing your apology and I’ve thought of a thousand ways to let the earthquake that sits in between us stop. But the problem is you never felt the bruises or had to pick up your bones because they were broken instead you were the one who walked away when my whole life was falling.

-Alexa Evangelista, the book ill never finish writing

I climb into the covers and try to hide the shame that I feel.

Trying to keep you from seeing how much I want to be destroyed;

let me be missing in action. Bottom of the ocean kind; washed

away, sins taken off of the skin I could never love. Full of hatred and

then… Release. Completely undone, my sobs sound like screams

being choked out; I can’t get ahold of the air. Underwater I struggle to

push myself out of the depths, out of the sadness [brokenness]

that I can’t help but embrace. [What would I be without this pain?]

You try to comfort me and I spit venom in your eyes just

to get you to turn your face away from mine, embarrassed by

the reflection of myself in your eyes. Yet you come back,

you take the shirt off your back to wipe away the poison

and wrap your arms around my body until I can no longer

fight you. Tears roll down my face as I gasp for air;

shivers run down my spine as you kiss away all of the pain

until I’m numb. I can’t feel anything except the high that you

bring to the forefront of my mind. You whisper, “rest” but

I can’t. I dig my claws into your back and bring your flesh to

mine; ecstasy taking away the sadness and replacing it

with lustful love. Addicted to the way you make me feel I

beg for it until you’re exhausted. I take until you break and

then the shame washes over me again. A sick cycle I can

never seem to break.

ReBecca DeFazio

More Than a Flower

We find each other again;

we melt into words that lead

to actions that cause feelings

to explode into the space that

we thought would be empty

forever. We crawl through the

briers that grew from trauma,

stress, and silence; misunderstandings

leading to mistrust and heartbreak…

Knees bleeding, we remember

who we are. In the light and in

the shadows; finding each

other’s lips, fingertips, and

hearts still alive; still grasping

for one another’s flesh…

For one another’s affection,

validation, love. We admit

that we will never find

another connection like ours

and we give into the raw.

We give into the now. Where

pride and fear of rejection no

longer exist… Where we’re

more than flaws and perfections.

We see the damage done and

kiss it away; begging for forgiveness

from one another until the days

become lighter and the love

becomes fuller. We remember

what it is to love; teenagers again

looking into each other’s eyes

accepting that we’re so flawed…

But so loved.

ReBecca DeFazio

More Than A Flower

A series of polaroids of you and I.

1. The sky is dull; not a true blue like I usually like but I smile up at you anyways.

2. The air smells like ice and hot cocoa; you drink and then press your lips against my neck and it sends a tingle down my spine and into my toes which I can barely feel because I always refuse to wear boots in the snow.

3. Once I’ve stepped in too many puddles, you tell me “alright, jump up.” carrying me home on your back; I whisper in your ear and you grin beautifully.

4. We are sitting on the couch under the covers watching Inception for the millionth time.Your arm around my neck, our fingers interlaced, our faces pressed against each other’s; we breathe in the warmth from one another’s lips.

5. I’m standing in the kitchen, coffee in hand, crinkled nose, wearing your hoodie that is 3 sizes too big. My hair is messy but I am happier than usual; it radiates off of my freckled skin.

6. You are fast asleep covered in my favorite ice blue blanket from Kohl’s; my head lies on your chest. Twinkle lights shine down on us, barely lighting the room. My fingers are curled up in your chest hair while I sing “My Everything” by Ariana Grande quietly until I fall asleep too.

ReBecca DeFazio

More Than a Flower

Follow me on Medium and drop a comment if there is something you’d love to see me write about! Thank you so much for all of your love and support!!

The grass touching the soles of my feet sent shivers up my spine; I wasn’t expecting it to still be wet but I took off running anyway. Tangled hair falling into my face, tree branches brushing against my skin, barely dressed, I found my way to a space in the woods where I would sit until the sun tickled my skin a little too roughly. Your dad had cut down one huge tree in this space using it to finish up a cabin we often would run away to just a few hundred feet from your house. We would pretend we were grown and on our own… We would have picnics in the space where the tree once lived or you’d go out there alone to think, journal, cry… When I went out there you never chased me. You knew I didn’t need you right now. This is a learned habit; you put this runaway spirit in me. I used to hate the grass on my bear feet.

“It’s fucking itchy!! Why can’t we just wear some shoes every once in a while?”

“You can’t feel anything if you wear shoes. Stop being a baby.”

“What is so important that I need to feel out here?”

“Everything.”

Once I found my way to the tree stump, I sat down and held my hands out; angry.

“Could you please give me something beautiful to hold on to? I think I’m losing everything. I think I’m lost. I don’t think I can help her.”

Tears fell quietly as I continued to sit there with nothing but my anger.  I longed to hold your hand and tell you that I love you and have you actually hear it. Have it mean something. Have it change something. After a while, my anger had left. It had been taken away by the wind, I guess.

As I walk back, I feel everything; the way the ground feels soft but firm, the roughness of the twigs and small branches that have fallen, the rocks pushing against my heels, the cracking of the leaves; dead. When I walk into the kitchen, you are there. You are eating half a slice of toast with the smallest amount of peanut butter; it’s barely visible, scraped across so lightly. You try to smile but tears fill your eyes and spill over immediately. You don’t say anything but I already know what you want to say. You want to say, "It hurts. It feels "ugly.” It feels like giving up. It feels like I’m never pretty enough.” So, I hug you. I hug you and I can feel every bone in your body. I can feel every piece that is trying so hard to hold you together. You fall apart; hyperventilating.

“I love you. You’ll make it through this. I’m here.”

You pull away and look at me with blue eyes and tear stained freckled skin; trying so hard to smile. You take another bite and pretend like it doesn’t feel like dying. I walk away and give you space; give myself space. We breathe and it falls into a rhythm that feels like love, like strength; feels like healing.

Eventually, you push me away and I let you. It’s hard to watch someone hate themselves; it’s hard to know you can’t really force healing but I write you a letter years later… And it brings me peace, I think you found your own solace too. Friendships are sometimes only around for a season I’ve heard and that hurts but I’m thankful for all the lessons I’ve learned.

You taught me a lot of things I didn’t expect you to; things like how to care about someone (outside of family) more than yourself, how it feels to want things for someone but also not want those things; the ache inside like a fire burning endlessly. You can never put it out. You taught me how to love in ways that I keep under lock and key; secrets I’ll bring to the grave. You taught me to enjoy things that felt out of reach; taught me how to dance in the rain and feel like dying a little less inside. You were the most I have ever loved anyone platonically, in my entire life, I think and yet I also hated you and the things that you did… The things you said… The things that you believed made you, you. You taught me what it is like to love unconditionally.

ReBecca DeFazio

More Than a Flower

We are two broken bottles from families who loved to smash pretty things. Our edges jagged; sharp in some places and dull in others. We shine brightest when lined up together on window sills where the windows actually open; freedom gracing our figures creating watercolor ballets on the bedroom wall. We are opposite colors. You are red- anger and shame fill up more of you than you’d like to admit but warmth lies inside of you too. I am deep ocean blue-full of more sadness and self hatred than you like to think but my love for you runs to those ocean depths and even further than that. When we dance together we mix so beautifully (even when we don’t.) We can’t fill the empty spaces, fix the cracks, or rewind the time back to when we were whole and new but we sit together, watch the sun rise and fall, create memories that make the old ones a little less vivid; we love through it all.

ReBecca DeFazio

#Morethanaflower

She loves when the water burns her skin; I think I soaked too long in boiling bath tubs. Heat rising through my skin and into her tiny incomplete body. She cries as much as I do; our hearts too empathetic, our mouths wide open. I wonder what else I’ve given her; will she be tortured by nightmares? My hearts trauma bleeding into the space that should be only hers? Do we truly feel the burning of our past family members? How much sadness can one generation alone hold…? She loves when I sing to her; my voice trembling. In whispers she tells me she can hear the sad that lives there. Our tears fall in the same moment. I can’t help but wonder, my daughter… Do you feel everything I feel?

ReBecca DeFazio

#Morethanaflower

Hey everyone! Made a little about me video for my new TikTok account! Let me know what you think and I hope you’re having a beautiful week Find my links here!

The air smells like cinnamon

and the sun is shining down on me

as a cool breeze swims through my hair.

I’m alone for the first time in a long time

and it’s starting to feel like home.

No one ever told me alone

would feel good; that it

would feel like release.

ReBecca DeFazio

More Than a Flower

Rebecca DeFazio on TikTok