#findyourwild
Find calm waters, before getting at it again.
@bigtomphotobomb recorded at @voyageursnps
#canoeing #canoecamping #paddlelife #paddleharder #getoutside #outdoorlife #backcountry #backcountrycamping #explorenature #adventureiscalling #canoetrip #canoelife #paddleON #wildernessculture #outdoorculture #takemecamping #outsideculture #findyourwild #yourstodiscover #wildernesslifestyle
https://www.instagram.com/p/CN3T33iDVB-/?igshid=twtqr4izi2vb
We used to live in a house with
a porch surrounded by jasmine vines;
crawling around the porch and up
to the roof. The smell thick and sweet.
My mind only remembers a few details;
ages one through nine lost within
the walls of self-made protection.
Abuse x neglect equal my brain covering
the memories in a blanket, tucking them in
and putting them fast to sleep.
Sometimes I dream of orange shag
carpets and my little brother’s laughter but
they quickly turn to nightmares laced
with a reality I’m still not sure ever
really existed but I love the nostalgic
scent of jasmine seeping into my body as
the nightmares drift towards me;
welcoming me home.
I stumbled across an instagram story that said something along the lines of “the trauma brain constantly seeks an environment similar” and I was just thinking how normal that sounded to me. How weirdly comforting it is to sometimes be so connected with those feelings of worthlessness, shame, neglect, etc… Because we are so used to them that things like true unconditional love, self love, pride, safety, etc, are … How easy it is to look back and find something that feels nostalgic in a good way but is actually a warning of the pain that is to come is truly insane… I keep finding things that I think make me happy but actually just feel “normal” and are truly devastating to my peace and it’s so hard to uncover these things. It’s so hard to feel like your “normal” is so twisted and bent out of shape that you have to re-mold it…
Anyways, those are my ramblings for today - this is officially my “I’m back post.” I know it’s heavy but this is where I’ve been at recently. I love you all and I hope you’re doing well. If you’re not, I’m here with you and for you and wishing you healing and growth.
ReBecca DeFazio
More Than A Flower
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Past midnight and there are still no stars.
There is only a bleakness that invades
my soul from the outside, like it belongs
in the hallow of my chest… Like it knows
how easily I would succumb. It sees
my restlessness and makes a home within it.
Feeding off the anxious jitters until
the words that hurt the most are the
only ones on repeat in my mind, the ones
you don’t hear but see across my face;
lip biting in the ugliest ways. You are
the light, reaching forward to pull me out
and away; the star to guide my way
back to who I really am. The one who
wants so desperately to stay but is too
tired to keep fighting.
It’s crazy how fucking tired I am lately even though I’ve just been at home, even though I’ve been sleeping, and just… Existing… Home is busy. Home is never ending noise… Home is so much work. Emotionally, mentally, and physically… I am burnt the fuck out but I’m finally getting back into this space where I can release… Where I can share and be raw; where I can be myself even though that too is quite exhausting… I would really like to see some stars though. To lay on a beach at midnight in my husband’s arms and breathe fresh air… .
ReBecca DeFazio
More Than A Flower
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I climb into the covers and try to hide the shame that I feel.
Trying to keep you from seeing how much I want to be destroyed;
let me be missing in action. Bottom of the ocean kind; washed
away, sins taken off of the skin I could never love. Full of hatred and
then… Release. Completely undone, my sobs sound like screams
being choked out; I can’t get ahold of the air. Underwater I struggle to
push myself out of the depths, out of the sadness [brokenness]
that I can’t help but embrace. [What would I be without this pain?]
You try to comfort me and I spit venom in your eyes just
to get you to turn your face away from mine, embarrassed by
the reflection of myself in your eyes. Yet you come back,
you take the shirt off your back to wipe away the poison
and wrap your arms around my body until I can no longer
fight you. Tears roll down my face as I gasp for air;
shivers run down my spine as you kiss away all of the pain
until I’m numb. I can’t feel anything except the high that you
bring to the forefront of my mind. You whisper, “rest” but
I can’t. I dig my claws into your back and bring your flesh to
mine; ecstasy taking away the sadness and replacing it
with lustful love. Addicted to the way you make me feel I
beg for it until you’re exhausted. I take until you break and
then the shame washes over me again. A sick cycle I can
never seem to break.
ReBecca DeFazio
More Than a Flower
We find each other again;
we melt into words that lead
to actions that cause feelings
to explode into the space that
we thought would be empty
forever. We crawl through the
briers that grew from trauma,
stress, and silence; misunderstandings
leading to mistrust and heartbreak…
Knees bleeding, we remember
who we are. In the light and in
the shadows; finding each
other’s lips, fingertips, and
hearts still alive; still grasping
for one another’s flesh…
For one another’s affection,
validation, love. We admit
that we will never find
another connection like ours
and we give into the raw.
We give into the now. Where
pride and fear of rejection no
longer exist… Where we’re
more than flaws and perfections.
We see the damage done and
kiss it away; begging for forgiveness
from one another until the days
become lighter and the love
becomes fuller. We remember
what it is to love; teenagers again
looking into each other’s eyes
accepting that we’re so flawed…
But so loved.
ReBecca DeFazio
More Than A Flower
Dear Lover,
I have been dying to tell you that I miss holding your hand as we walk through a brand new city. I’ve been thinking about the current situation our world is in and I can’t help but wish that we were wandering through Barcelona right now happily, without fears or worries… Without our children crying to go outside. I wish we were lying in a field in my hometown, watching the stars. Finding a high in each other’s touch; moonlit bodies begging for air but too desperate for more skin. I wish we could be laughing while jumping into waves on the opposite coast of where I grew up. I wish we were watching musicians in Central Park play their saxophones beautifully, full of passion. I keep wishing that we could be anywhere else than here but then you smile at me and crack a joke; I laugh and you pull me into your arms as our children run into the room laughing hysterically and I take a deep breath because happiness still lives here. It lives here… In our small apartment… In you and I, in the chaos and the madness, in the heartache and the tragedy; it still lives here in this world that is falling apart so, let’s fall in together and beg the present to bring beautiful sunsets and sunrises. Let’s live here. Now. Just as we are.
Love always,
Me
’ .
Everyone talks about how being a writer, requires discipline… It seems unnatural and weird but it is absolutely true! Writing is sometimes difficult though. Sometimes, you want so badly to say something but the words feel lodged in your throat; your fingers feel broken, joints lacking the strength to create the proper movements to press down onto the keys and it hurts.
I feel like it compares to being nauseous but never being able to throw up and relieve yourself from that uncomfortable feeling until one day… it happens. Word vomit everywhere. You sit down and you force yourself to write and there it is… The end of the discomfort. Some people might call this writer’s block but I think it’s more like “ ” or “ .”
I’ve noticed that most of the time when I feel like I can’t write, it’s because I haven’t sat with myself and the emotional issues or energy issues I have been having. For me, it’s easy to write when I’m sad but not when I’m angry, annoyed, frustrated, feeling helpless, etc. Those feelings tend to send me more into a little depressive season than anything else and lately, I’ve been a little angry or a lot angry, if I’m honest. So, I’ve been sleeping. I’ve been practicing my French (a lot), I’ve been washing my face more (which is crazy… I’m the worst at this kind of thing), I’ve been watching TV, answering emails, and messages… No writing.
Then two nights ago, I decided to take to my manifesting journal and write an entire page for someone who I care about so deeply who is going through a rough patch and boom… I felt better. I wrote about how I wished I could manifest a life for her, one that she so deeply deserves but never seems to get her grasp on and put all the things that I thought she deserved into a beautifully painted image with my words.
I wrote a gratitude list for the first time in a week after that. Then I received a reminder for a deadline for an anthology that I was thankful to be invited to submit to and here I am writing for you now. I’ve written two poems this morning and am now going to work on two different anthology projects because it’s like I have remembered what I wanted to say…
Our energy and our feelings/emotions have so much control over everything in our lives; even writing. So if you have been feeling “blocked” lately… Try to sit with yourself and figure out, what emotion/feeling/problem/bad energy is blocking them? I’m not a guru or anything (yet?) but it’s worth a try right?
ReBecca DeFazio
#Morethanaflower
What do you like to do on a day when you are completely free (of work, chores, everything)?
My day today - though started on a rocky footing - got so much better! I met up with @ursula_uriarte and we spent hours just walking around, drinking tea and taking pictures and I already miss her companion; it’s just so much different when you are not alone neither in your adventures of picture taking or wandering around.
I took this picture last week, also with Ursula. Guess she and Oslo in the fall are just that inspiring.
Btw, this is the Nasjonalbiblioteket, the National Library of Oslo that blooms in red every fall.
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#oslo #mittoslo #oslocity #oslove #oslobilder #visitoslo #simplethingsmadebeautiful #autumncolors #darlingdaily #autumnvibes #chasinglights #hyggelife #slowliving #capturequiet #myeverydaymagic #nasjonalbiblioteket #alliseeispretty #thatsdarling #seekthesimplicity #folklive #bookstagram #makemoments #autumnaesthetic #inspiration #wanderlust #tripstagram #solotravel #dametraveler #toeachtheirpath #findyourwild (at Nasjonalbiblioteket)
https://www.instagram.com/p/B3xU7KSAF2D/?igshid=q8j9t90ww2gx
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It’s Halloween month!! Do you like/celebrate Halloween?
Back in Hungary, it’s not really a big thing, mostly just the parties and dressing up, but here in Norway, it’s getting bigger. My host kids are going trick-or-treating and they’ve been excited about the whole thing since the beginning of September!
Anything you like to do to prepare? I just put up some fake spiderwebs around my desk/wall, got some ceramic pumpkins and will throw in some fake autumn leaves too. First time that I can deck my place in autumn-y stuff.
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#pumpkin #autumn #fallcolor #halloweendecorations #halloween #simplethingsmadebeautiful #autumncolors #darlingdaily #autumnvibes #chasinglights #hyggelife #slowliving #capturequiet #myeverydaymagic #mybeigelife #alliseeispretty #thatsdarling #seekthesimplicity #folklive #bookstagram #makemoments #autumnaesthetic #inspiration #wanderlust #tripstagram #solotravel #dametraveler #toeachtheirpath #findyourwild (at Kaposvár)
https://www.instagram.com/p/B3h3Ww-g6dW/?igshid=1bqxyadk13ao8
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What are some of your travel destinations?
One of mine was Oslo, and now I get to live here and I especially wanted to see this bridge because I’ve seen it all over instagram last year. So I’m happy I get to add a picture of it to my feed. Next big one is a Korea-Japan trip that I’m hoping maybe next year I can afford, but I’m not sure yet. My father is getting married sometime so that’s my top priority for now. ☺️
So what is YOUR dream destination and why? Is there something pulling you there or you just wanna see? Tell me everything.
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#oslo #mittoslo #oslocity #oslove #oslobilder #visitoslo #simplethingsmadebeautiful #autumncolors #darlingdaily #autumnvibes #chasinglights #hyggelife #slowliving #capturequiet #myeverydaymagic #mybeigelife #alliseeispretty #thatsdarling #seekthesimplicity #folklive #bookstagram #makemoments #autumnaesthetic #inspiration #wanderlust #tripstagram #solotravel #dametraveler #toeachtheirpath #findyourwild (at Hausmanns Bru (B))
https://www.instagram.com/p/B3Fi44AIvmR/?igshid=1s4212xianvpf
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A bit late but Hello November! Even though November is usually very gloomy, boring and uneventful, kind of like a time bridging autumn and Christmas, let’s try to make it into a positive one. Let’s try to think only kind and positive thoughts, be grateful for the smallest things and don’t let the sky darkening sooner or the weather getting cold and snowy bring your mood down. Let’s embrace the good thing we can look forward every day and November will pass by in a heartbeat. ☺️
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#simplethingsmadebeautiful #autumncolors #darlingdaily #autumnvibes #chasinglights #hyggelife #slowliving #capturequiet #myeverydaymagic #mybeigelife #alliseeispretty #thatsdarling #seekthesimplicity #folklive #bookstagram #makemoments #autumnaesthetic #inspiration #wanderlust #tripstagram #solotravel #dametraveler #toeachtheirpath #findyourwild #autumn #autumnleaf #autumnvibes #autumncolors #autumnaesthetic (at Oslo, Norway)
https://www.instagram.com/p/B4dMZGUgJFE/?igshid=12qgpl7ueaw2i
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I’m honestly feeling so uninspired these days when it comes to captions, so today I’m just gonna tell you all that I had some amazing corn bread my host mom made and now I would eat AAAAALL of them but they’re for a bake sale tomorrow.
Anyway, now I’m gonna go and watch the last episode of The Haunting of Hill House, which I’ve been rewatching for the last week or so. I wish there were some other good quality spooky shows out there but most of them never come close to being enjoyable. I don’t really get scared of these shows but I don’t want to get bored either while watching something. If you have any recommendations, I’m all ears for them!
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#oslo #mittoslo #oslocity #oslove #oslobilder #visitoslo #simplethingsmadebeautiful #autumncolors #darlingdaily #autumnvibes #chasinglights #hyggelife #slowliving #capturequiet #myeverydaymagic #mybeigelife #alliseeispretty #thatsdarling #seekthesimplicity #folklive #bookstagram #makemoments #autumnaesthetic #inspiration #wanderlust #tripstagram #solotravel #dametraveler #toeachtheirpath #findyourwild (at Jacob’s på Holtet)
https://www.instagram.com/p/B3-LykGACIM/?igshid=1cni6bksqbe2
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