#prose riot
We used to live in a house with
a porch surrounded by jasmine vines;
crawling around the porch and up
to the roof. The smell thick and sweet.
My mind only remembers a few details;
ages one through nine lost within
the walls of self-made protection.
Abuse x neglect equal my brain covering
the memories in a blanket, tucking them in
and putting them fast to sleep.
Sometimes I dream of orange shag
carpets and my little brother’s laughter but
they quickly turn to nightmares laced
with a reality I’m still not sure ever
really existed but I love the nostalgic
scent of jasmine seeping into my body as
the nightmares drift towards me;
welcoming me home.
I stumbled across an instagram story that said something along the lines of “the trauma brain constantly seeks an environment similar” and I was just thinking how normal that sounded to me. How weirdly comforting it is to sometimes be so connected with those feelings of worthlessness, shame, neglect, etc… Because we are so used to them that things like true unconditional love, self love, pride, safety, etc, are … How easy it is to look back and find something that feels nostalgic in a good way but is actually a warning of the pain that is to come is truly insane… I keep finding things that I think make me happy but actually just feel “normal” and are truly devastating to my peace and it’s so hard to uncover these things. It’s so hard to feel like your “normal” is so twisted and bent out of shape that you have to re-mold it…
Anyways, those are my ramblings for today - this is officially my “I’m back post.” I know it’s heavy but this is where I’ve been at recently. I love you all and I hope you’re doing well. If you’re not, I’m here with you and for you and wishing you healing and growth.
ReBecca DeFazio
More Than A Flower
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Past midnight and there are still no stars.
There is only a bleakness that invades
my soul from the outside, like it belongs
in the hallow of my chest… Like it knows
how easily I would succumb. It sees
my restlessness and makes a home within it.
Feeding off the anxious jitters until
the words that hurt the most are the
only ones on repeat in my mind, the ones
you don’t hear but see across my face;
lip biting in the ugliest ways. You are
the light, reaching forward to pull me out
and away; the star to guide my way
back to who I really am. The one who
wants so desperately to stay but is too
tired to keep fighting.
It’s crazy how fucking tired I am lately even though I’ve just been at home, even though I’ve been sleeping, and just… Existing… Home is busy. Home is never ending noise… Home is so much work. Emotionally, mentally, and physically… I am burnt the fuck out but I’m finally getting back into this space where I can release… Where I can share and be raw; where I can be myself even though that too is quite exhausting… I would really like to see some stars though. To lay on a beach at midnight in my husband’s arms and breathe fresh air… .
ReBecca DeFazio
More Than A Flower
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I climb into the covers and try to hide the shame that I feel.
Trying to keep you from seeing how much I want to be destroyed;
let me be missing in action. Bottom of the ocean kind; washed
away, sins taken off of the skin I could never love. Full of hatred and
then… Release. Completely undone, my sobs sound like screams
being choked out; I can’t get ahold of the air. Underwater I struggle to
push myself out of the depths, out of the sadness [brokenness]
that I can’t help but embrace. [What would I be without this pain?]
You try to comfort me and I spit venom in your eyes just
to get you to turn your face away from mine, embarrassed by
the reflection of myself in your eyes. Yet you come back,
you take the shirt off your back to wipe away the poison
and wrap your arms around my body until I can no longer
fight you. Tears roll down my face as I gasp for air;
shivers run down my spine as you kiss away all of the pain
until I’m numb. I can’t feel anything except the high that you
bring to the forefront of my mind. You whisper, “rest” but
I can’t. I dig my claws into your back and bring your flesh to
mine; ecstasy taking away the sadness and replacing it
with lustful love. Addicted to the way you make me feel I
beg for it until you’re exhausted. I take until you break and
then the shame washes over me again. A sick cycle I can
never seem to break.
ReBecca DeFazio
More Than a Flower
We find each other again;
we melt into words that lead
to actions that cause feelings
to explode into the space that
we thought would be empty
forever. We crawl through the
briers that grew from trauma,
stress, and silence; misunderstandings
leading to mistrust and heartbreak…
Knees bleeding, we remember
who we are. In the light and in
the shadows; finding each
other’s lips, fingertips, and
hearts still alive; still grasping
for one another’s flesh…
For one another’s affection,
validation, love. We admit
that we will never find
another connection like ours
and we give into the raw.
We give into the now. Where
pride and fear of rejection no
longer exist… Where we’re
more than flaws and perfections.
We see the damage done and
kiss it away; begging for forgiveness
from one another until the days
become lighter and the love
becomes fuller. We remember
what it is to love; teenagers again
looking into each other’s eyes
accepting that we’re so flawed…
But so loved.
ReBecca DeFazio
More Than A Flower
I’ve been super quiet since this whole covid19 stuff has happened because honestly, it’s been rough. I wanted to do something for the Instagram writing community though and I also wanted to share it here.
If you decide to participate in these prompts and would like me to read&comment, make sure to use the tag #MTAFPROMPTS.
I hope you are all doing well; staying inside, staying safe, staying sane♥️
ReBecca DeFazio
More Than A Flower
’ … I know I haven’t even mentioned my second collection which is almost done… haha! Either way, here is a sneak peak!
ReBecca DeFazio
#morethanaflower
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✨ Merch can be found at my shop on my website (Just click the cute shopping cart!)⠀
✨ My book “ ” is coming out soon!⠀
✨ I’m literally everywhere so you can find me on places like Medium, Mirakee, Tumblr, The Prose, TikTok, etc! Just look for “ ” or click the link in my profile!
Thank you so much for you never ending love and support, I appreciate you all so very much!
We are two broken bottles from families who loved to smash pretty things. Our edges jagged; sharp in some places and dull in others. We shine brightest when lined up together on window sills where the windows actually open; freedom gracing our figures creating watercolor ballets on the bedroom wall. We are opposite colors. You are red- anger and shame fill up more of you than you’d like to admit but warmth lies inside of you too. I am deep ocean blue-full of more sadness and self hatred than you like to think but my love for you runs to those ocean depths and even further than that. When we dance together we mix so beautifully (even when we don’t.) We can’t fill the empty spaces, fix the cracks, or rewind the time back to when we were whole and new but we sit together, watch the sun rise and fall, create memories that make the old ones a little less vivid; we love through it all.
ReBecca DeFazio
#Morethanaflower
She loves when the water burns her skin; I think I soaked too long in boiling bath tubs. Heat rising through my skin and into her tiny incomplete body. She cries as much as I do; our hearts too empathetic, our mouths wide open. I wonder what else I’ve given her; will she be tortured by nightmares? My hearts trauma bleeding into the space that should be only hers? Do we truly feel the burning of our past family members? How much sadness can one generation alone hold…? She loves when I sing to her; my voice trembling. In whispers she tells me she can hear the sad that lives there. Our tears fall in the same moment. I can’t help but wonder, my daughter… Do you feel everything I feel?
ReBecca DeFazio
#Morethanaflower
I’m tired. I’m tired of trying to be everything society, men, women, family, friends, etc, would like me to be. Even the expectations I put on myself are sometimes insane and unrealistic… I’m exhausted. All of the labels that are throw on us with the expectations of certain things as well as the labels that we choose for ourselves can become so heavy… So, I’ve thrown out all of the expectations and am learning to just love myself and leave room for things that I want and desire. I’m going to be thirty in 2021 and I’m ready to stop trying to please everyone and be happy and just keep growing.
ReBecca DeFazio
#Morethanaflower
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Hey everyone! Made a little about me video for my new TikTok account! Let me know what you think and I hope you’re having a beautiful week Find my links here!
The air smells like cinnamon
and the sun is shining down on me
as a cool breeze swims through my hair.
I’m alone for the first time in a long time
and it’s starting to feel like home.
No one ever told me alone
would feel good; that it
would feel like release.
ReBecca DeFazio
More Than a Flower
