#anhedonia
I just don’t understand how I can be so empty all the fucking time.
So there’s a lot of posts differentiating between laziness and executive dysfunction and that’s all well and good but can we please acknowledge that lack of motivation and interest can also be symptoms of things and they don’t necessarily mean people are lazy either
/ˌanhēˈdōnēə/
noun
inability to feel pleasure.
Am I going to be like this forever? Am I doomed to pass by every important event in my life feeling nothing, merely going through the motions, pretend to experience the emotions I’m supposed to? Am I going to die like this?
szpd google searches: how to care about my life and what happens in it
Anhedonia is brutal. There’s no escape from it. Everything that was good becomes boring, empty, and meaningless. It’s like eating your favorite foods, but they all turn into ashes in your mouth.
Anhedonia: the inability to feel pleasure in normally pleasurable activities.
Meth users may experience anhedonia due to the drug’s overstimulation and eventual damage to the brain’s dopamine receiver. Anhedonia is the inability to experience pleasure. There is a oppressive lack of enjoyment in engaging with the people or activities that might have normally given the user great joy. . Even when clean, many former meth addicts report extreme feelings of permanent unhappiness due to the irreversible trauma the drug has already inflicted on the brain.
#notevenonce
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Twilight (1990)
Directed by Gyorgy Feher
Doomsy’s Rating: 89/100
A creeping, monochromatic haze of gargantuan proportions. Taking cues from his fellow Hungarian depressive Bela Tarr, Gyorgy Feher subscribes to a similarly downbeat view of the human condition. This story, concerning a haunted detective’s search for a missing little girl in a remote village where violence and corruption pervade, would in Hollywood be a pulpy noir. To my delight, Feher removes every standardized storytelling practice form the equation and opts for an oppressive, doomy opera of nihilism and anhedonia. The torturous, unforgiving camera work that he utilizes evinces endless unease; almost every single shot in the ninety-minute runtime is dripping with shadows and fog, and most of the close-ups of faces are shown in chiaroscuro. There is no hiding from fate and, just as poignantly, no escaping from the darkness endemic in the hearts of men. Not a film to watch if you like happy pr fast-moving things. Twilight is as cold, bewitching and hypnotic as European art cinema gets, and is bordering on masterpiece status. Need to see more of this director’s work soon.
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sometimes depression is so scary because you stop being able to achieve any sense of fulfilment. a huge part of being human is looking forward to things and having treats, goals, rewards, outcomes that you strive towards. if you don’t have those things it can be really, really hard to find any sense of purpose. having depression is asking yourself what do i want to eat, what do i want to watch, what do i want to play, what do i want to listen to, what do i want to do, what am i looking forward to, what’s driving me to keep going, and having the answer be a resounding ‘nothing’
Anhedonia
by Chelsea Wolfe & Emma Ruth Rundle
If anyone is wondering what might have brought my ability to feel joy back, there are a couple different potential things that could’ve done it. It’s my brother’s graduation so a lot is happening today. I increased my Wellbutrin dose a few weeks ago. I started taking Sulfasalazine about two days ago to try to treat a potentially autoinflammatory condition (Yao syndrome) that may be causing my daily fevers. It would be interesting if the anhedonia is inflammatory. I also restarted Plaquenil for autoimmunity about a month ago. I’ve never been on this dose of Wellbutrin before. I was on 100 mg (plus Prozac) before I stopped taking it, and anhedonia set in, and that was all soon after the fevers developed. I restarted Prozac maybe six months ago. I increased Wellbutrin maybe a month ago. Personally, I hope it’s the Sulfasalazine because that may indicate that my condition is improving. It could be any of these things- I’ll let you know if I figure any of this out!
It feels a lot like anxiety. If I were more stressed and it wasn’t such a good day, I could see this feeling overwhelming me. I could see it making me cry or break down, because it’s different and weird and it’s a lot. My brain seems to be taking it well- I feel like I’m actually displaying some happiness now. It’s still a bit disconnected from experiences. It rises randomly, and sometimes on its own, and if I think about being happy there it is. A bit like nausea, a lot like anxiety. Mostly it feels like when you drink too much caffeine (I didn’t have any). Warmth in the stomach, jumping a bit, rising through the chest, stopping in my throat. Maybe a little buzziness in the head. It feels like it could come out in tears. I’m trying to identify all the sensations and elaborate on everything, and document my experience, so anyone else with anhedonia won’t be so afraid of not recognizing happiness or liking it anymore. I hope I’m recognizing it. It feels very distinctive, and definitely not something I’ve felt in a long time. I feel like my body and brain are a bit confused by it. I can’t wait for them to adjust.
Happiness came on very suddenly today, after years without it. I was just lying down for a nap when suddenly I felt something, kind of in my stomach and chest? It was weird. I was right about how I might not be able to recognize it- I was like what was that??? Then it kept coming stronger and stronger, lasting a little longer each time, until I realized that’s what happiness feels like. I’m still scared that it’s temporary, or that somehow I’m wrong and I’m feeling something else and misidentifying it. But after years without feeling anything, it’s definitely different and it’s definitely strange. I was scared I wouldn’t like it anymore. It’s definitely overwhelming and weird- but it made me feel like jumping around, so I guess that’s a good thing. I’ll have to get used to it again- it feels a bit like anxiety, like anticipation, I think it’s excitement. My heart rate feels higher, I’m not sure if it actually is. I could see this overwhelming me in the coming days while I get used to it- it’s a lot, it’s kinda scary. I didn’t expect it to come back so suddenly and strongly, without something emotional making it happen. I was just relaxing and it kinda startled me. I hope it’s real, and I hope it’s what I think, and I hope it lasts. Either way, I know that this has given me hope.
hey not to sound like a weirdo but I think I felt happiness today??? for the first time in about 4 years?
