#assertiveness

When I’m trying to support my colleague in setting boundaries and saying ‘no’ to people, it’s just like, 

Anon wrote:Hello, ENTP here. I fear I’m in a Fe loop and maybe a Si grip. I entered college and made friends with an ISFP and an INFJ. We’re getting pretty close and we share a lot of ideas, but I can’t trust them with myself. I’m afraid that once I show any sign of disagreeing with them, they will turn their back on me.

I know I’m being influenced by past experiences. I had friends that didn’t respect my boundaries and expected me to be there for them all the time. For example, I’m not a touchy person, I dislike touching a lot. Those friends knew that because I explicitly stated that I hate being touched, yet at any given moment they would. I also couldn’t talk about my problems or anything related to myself, they would interrupt me and talk only about themselves. I don’t want to play victim here, they had their own issues, I don’t blame them and I understand now that true friendship is different from whatever that was. I’m telling you this because it’s important to know where this fear comes from.

Anyway, the things is that I don’t know how I’m supposed to act around my new friends. I’m walking a line between trying to soften me up for the sake of their feelings and speaking about what I think, with the risk of hurting them. But I’m doing it all wrong. I’m starting to mirror their behavior and suppressing my opinions for their approval. Yet, I can’t come up with a new strategy and can’t help but being tied up to the past. I don’t want to screw this up, they’re different people and they don’t deserve whatever was left of me. I fear I will become needy and repeat the same mistakes, ending up in self isolation. I’m not living up my full potential and I know it. How can I overcome this?

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Yes, you’ve got some Fe and Si problems. In a nutshell, you’re behaving like a cheap imitation ISFJ. Trying to be something you’re not is the road to self-destruction. Your past experience makes you believe that you have to twist yourself into some unrecognizable form in order to keep your friends. But when you take these kinds of shortcuts, you just end up sabotaging your intended goal. How can a friendship be healthy when people never get to see and know the real you? How can you be healthy when you constantly neglect your own needs and desires? How can you be open, trusting, and giving when you are always in fear of what might happen?

Why take a shortcut that does so much harm and actually leads you away from your intended goal? Because you lack the SKILLS to do otherwise, and this is related to poor Ti development. Ti development means building a proper understanding of how things work, as well as learning the skills that are necessary to navigate systems competently (in this case, how socializing works and how to socialize successfully). Immature Ti is very limited in its knowledge because it is far too small in its scope, basically only capable of seeing cause and effects at the most superficial of levels. For instance: “If I keep my mouth shut, I won’t say the wrong thing and get rejected by my friends”. This superficiality leads to adopting ineffective strategies.

It’s good to be open and honest about your needs and desires. It’s good to be respectful and considerate with other people’s needs and desires. So, how do these two things meet up in a relationship? Is there really nothing at all in between the extremes of aggressively imposing your needs on others versus passively sitting in neglect of your own needs? The middle ground is found in assertiveness. In ENTPs, this involves exercising Ne adaptability and Ti strategic planning based on the facts.

Being assertive means taking the initiative to put yourself out there AND being responsive to what happens after you do. It’s true that maybe not everyone can handle what you put out, but it’s better to know than to wonder forever, isn’t it? Wondering forever leads to you staying in relationships that aren’t healthy for you. Once you know the facts, you can make a well-informed decision about what your next steps should be. Not every relationship will work out as you hope, and that should be okay, because there will always be more opportunities to come. This is what healthy Ne should tell you.

Socializing is an art, not a science, which implies that you have to be nimble and make sure that your expectations are realistic. There is no way to speak such that you never offend anyone. However, there is a way to speak your mind responsibly, and there is a way to be flexible and adjust your approach as necessary to mitigate negative reactions. To accomplish this, you need to do some skill building (for the sake of Ne+Ti development). The relationship related skills that you lack include:

• optimism: seeing positive possibilities (not just negative ones) and believing that there will always be another opportunity (in the event that this particular one doesn’t pan out)
• presence: approaching new situations without past baggage
• trust: giving people the benefit of the doubt
• courage: the willingness to face up to truthful feedback
• confidence: believing that you can handle whatever comes because you are committed to learning from your mistakes
• assertiveness: being open and honest about yourself
• communication: using respectful language to express opinions
• conflict resolution: de-escalating tense situations
• emotional intelligence: understanding how to navigate feelings and emotions that result from social interaction
• impartial critical judgment: knowing when to persist (because there is potential for a better relationship) versus when to cut your losses (because the relationship is a lost cause)

Some of these topics have come up before, do a search. Also check out the book recs on the resources page. Yes, there is some pain in learning difficult skills, making mistakes, and changing the way you do things. But confronting your deficiencies is the road to realizing your potential. In the bigger picture, the pain of growth is less painful than living with loneliness or living in constant fear of abandonment.

Grow at your own pace, it is never a race!

Have a wonderful day ahead and stay positive