#bad mental health day
Tired. In the depths of my soul I am tired.
I am tired of putting on the customer service face and being awesome to everyone. That level of constant acting skills should land me a fucking Oscar.
Why is customer service so draining? Because if you want to stay employed, you are always polite, smiling, and helpful. That doesn’t sound too bad except that especially with the pandemic, I am not feeling polite, I do not want to smile, and I don’t want to help anyone with anything. But as I am lucky to still be employed, I will continue acting like this is the only place I ever wanted to be in my entire life and that every customer is exactly who I wanted to see that day.
But every time I fake it, a small piece of my soul gets a little more tired.
Sometimes I wish I understood my brain better.
Today was a pretty rad day actually. Work was good, went by quickly, had a good dinner, chilled with the Hubbins on the couch watching terrible horror movies. It was a fantastic Friday.
So why am I so sad? No reason. My brain is just dumb. It says “no no no, we will be sad today. But don’t let anyone see your sad either. Sad people are a burden. You are sad. You are a burden. Smile bigger so you don’t burden people with your existence.” I know my brain is wrong. I am not a burden. I am loved by my family and friends. So what gives brain?
I really wish I could afford therapy. It would probably help. But it’s also stupid expensive and the waiting list is ridiculous. It’s one of my goals this year to get some kind of regular counseling. I think it would help. Can’t hurt right?
