OK I knew early that Tom Hiddleston said episode 4 and part of 5 were going to be tough for Loki. I didn’t watch it when it came out this morning. I’ve just come onto tumblr, and clicked on a few spoiler tags to get a hint of what’s been happening. Read 2 things and it sounds yuck, bad. (I don’t mean production, acting, etc I mean heavy, bad for Loki etc) I’m thinking of not watching at all, wait a week then watch 4 and 5 together maybe.
But I am very low at the moment. A ton of stuff building up right now. I have been so depressed and bawling my eyes out. Not even with a reason, just barking tears out and a ton of abuse in my past comes to the lid, and everything, everything, my whole life behind me and all of the bad stuff now. I just bark out the sobs. I’ve been up and down, and it sounds mad to worry about a character, or a series, etc. But i don’t think I can load up on bad feelings right now.
This will mean I don’t think I can be around on here for a while either. I can feel the fandom slipping away from my fingertips. I can’t keep up and it hurts my head now.
Request by @jesuswasnotawhiteman:Write the angsty Loki x reader fic you can. I want something that will tear my insides out and crush me. Make me sob like a baby. Break me. Thanks babe <3 ;)
N/A: Are you alright?
To better this experience, listen to Where’s My Love - SYML.
Warnings: depression, low self esteem, death, suicidal ideation, executive dysfunction, nightmares, dissociation, body dysmorphia, and, generally, all bad. And some implied sex.
Crawling out of bed, a tasteless breakfast awaits for him. Tasteless, because all he can taste now is that sour yet slightly bittersweet dream on the back of his throat; the nightmare. It comes to him daily, nightly, stopping his legs from saving him, stopping everything (yet to him, this is nothing. It used to be something, he thought, but he has lost his everything already. This is nothing. This is nothing anymore). He freezes in place and he knows better than to stay. Instead, he embraces his final breaths.
The sink has a leak, and the dripping resonates in his head as he spins around the empty sheets. No doubt they’re empty, it’s just him. The nightmare is still lingering there, the nightmare is still drilling his skull slowly, carefully, like a very premeditated torture plan, the nightmare calls him to never get up, ever again. But the drops of water fall louder.
This. Right here, this is the most amazing, insightful, accurate depiction of depression from the inside I have read. I’ve suffered all my life. I have bipolar that isn’t always well controlled. The abyss, the loss of reality, it’s all accurate. I’m in tears. Don’t worry, it isn’t a triggerry cry. It’s recognition. I don’t know you but you know something I know, something I know in the dark. Thank you for writing.
I feel sorry for people that aren’t in fandoms. Just what do you do with your life when you’re not crying over a fictional character or someone who’ll never know you. When you’re not drowning yourself in fandom content as a coping mechanism. Like you life just be boring then or?
