#bucky barnes ff
Before (you go) | b.barnes
TW: This story mentions su!cide read ad your own risk.
Word Count: 2k
A/N: I feel bad for not posting for awhile so I just went through my drafts and found this to post in the mean time. Im currently moving so super busy so having a hard time making time to write! Sorry x
Not edited or proof read
Do you ever get to that point where everything just feels so god damn heavy.
Like the air around you is holding you down making it hard to even take a step forward and you want nothing more than to move forward but your stuck here watching everyone around you move on, leaving you in the dust because that’s where you were right now and every you loved was so far ahead you could no long reach forward and hold on to them for any kind of support.
The only thing you could do was fall, and you wanted to stay standing on your feet but the air was so heavy and your legs were giving out.
“Y/n?”
“Mmm?” Your eyes were darted up, searching for the face to the voice
Sam sighed raising his hand “I’m right here”
“Im sorry i was just in a daze”
He gave you a sad smile, his arms crossing over his chest “That’s been happening a lot lately, are you doing okay?”
Were you okay? How could you even answer that when you didn’t even know, you didn’t want to lie to Sam, it was Sam,he was your person when Bucky wasn’t here and Bucky hasn’t been here for 2 weeks because of a steak out mission he was on with Steve and you weren’t allowed to go because they only needed two people and you weren’t even in there roaster to be considered because of the incident.
You wouldn’t even call it an ‘incident’ because it was just a misunderstanding.
You weren’t suicidal at least you didn’t think you were at least not then, you didn’t mean to overdose but when you get tortured for 4 whole weeks the amount of pain your in after is a lot and you had a high pain tolerance so that was saying something you accidentally miscalculated when you were suppose to take your pain medication so you may have taken too much at once but everything hurt so fucking bad and you couldn’t wake Bucky because he barley got enough sleep and he looked so peaceful that night the way his eyelashes fluttered gently, and his perfect petal pink lips were slightly parted, no because that would have been selfish and the pain meds numbed everything anyway.
So you were on watch, even though that incidentwas a complete accident. Tony benched you until Cho cleared you and she wasn’t gonna clear you till Sam told her his honest opinion since you were abso-fucking-lutely not talking to another of of Stark’s half assed therapists and with Sam’s experience at the VA, they gave him the go ahead.
Here you were sitting on a couch in one of the compounds many meeting rooms with Sam sitting on a chair still staring at you waiting for a response. You loved Sam. He was patient, kind, empathetic and gave the best hugs. But you still didn’t have an answer for him.
You cleared your throat “When’s Bucky supposed to be back?”
“I’m not sure, check in is in —“ he paused to look at his phone “in about an hour”
You nodded, clicking your tongue trying to muster up the best smile you could, swallowing back the burning feeling in your throat fiddling your thumbs together.
“Y/n, you didn’t answer my question, i dont wanna push you but i care about you, your one of my best friends and i need you to be honest with me”
His brown eyes were peering into yours, they were soft with a hint of concern sparkling in them. Your heart rate started to spike, your palms were getting clammy, your eye sight blurring as tears threatened to spill over.
That heaviness you felt before was pushing you further into the leather couch, your palms were sticking to it like glue. You stood up abruptly your fight or flight kicking in “I can’t do this Sammy, i just can’t, its too much”
He stood up his hands were on your shoulders “You’re having a panic attack y/n, i need you to breathe with me”
You were shaking your head side to side, trying to follow his breathing but you had tunnel vision and the walls were caving in, the only thing you could see at the end of the tunnel washim “I need Bucky, i need Bucky, Sam” your hands were clawing at your throat trying to open it up to let air in “i need him, i can’t do this” You ran past him and out of the room, out of the compound.
Maybe if you kept running you could run to wherever Bucky was and you could be safe again, maybe the weight would be lifted off your shoulders.
You couldn’t breathe the air was suffocating you, the scars littering your body were burning, the ache in your heart was the only thing you could feel, the darkness clouding your mind telling you to go just close your eyes forever and all these feelings would just disappear, then you’d be how like you were before.
Before hydra, 4 months ago before they took you and kept you for weeks, before you the team finally found you, before you accidentally overdosed, before you were benched and before Bucky jumped at any chance to go on a mission to get away from who you were now. God you just wanted to go back to when you were you and not whoever you were now.
You couldn’t help but think that maybe, just maybe everyone might be better off without you.
If you weren’t here Sam wouldn’t be wasting a very rare day off spending the afternoon with you when you know he would much rather be anywhere else. If you weren’t here Bucky and Steve wouldn’t be steaking out the hydra base you escaped from. Tony wouldn’t have had to have held a press meeting taking away from his time with Pepper, Clint wouldn’t have come out of retirement to try and find you, Peter wouldn’t of missed the spring dance when he got the call they found you.
Everyone would definitely be better off without you.
Your thoughts were so loud you didn’t even hear the voice coming from behind you till you felt a hand touch your shoulder, you whipped around and it was Sam, he was holding his hand up letting you know he wasn’t going to hurt you like they did. He reached the phone out to you “It’s for you”
You shakily extended your hand grasping the phone in your hand bringing it to your ear, you didn’t say anything, you couldn’t say anything you were too busy trying to hold onto any air that you could.
“Doll?”
At the sound of his voice you choked out a sob and your knees gave out.
“You need to breathe for me okay? Can you try and do that please?”
You nodded frantically even though he couldn’t see you, you knew he would be able to hear the way your breathing slightly evened out.
You kept your eyes shut not bearing the possible waterfall that would escape them if you opened them. Maybe if the longer you kept the shut the better the chance you would have of drowning from the inside out.
“Good, that’s my girl” He paused waiting for you to respond but when he never did he continued “Sam told me what happened, are you okay?”
You shook your head no.
“Doll, i need you to talk to me”
“No” Your voice was quiet
You could hear him stand up, a chair sounded like it was being pushed back, and Steve mumbled something to him “What’s wrong? Were all here for you doll”
“But your not here Bucky”
He said something, you’re sure he did but the voice in your head was too loud to hear anything but your heart pounding in your ears.
You opened your eyes, staring at Sam as he was standing just a few feet away, you could see the worry lacing his face and you felt nothing but guilt, this was all your fault Bucky was risking the call being traced by hydra because of you.
You were selfish, you didn’t think of how much pain you were causing the people you loved the most around you, all because you weren’t strong enough to fight through the memories of what Hydra did to you. You were pathetic because Bucky went through 70 years of torture and you went through 4 weeks and were ripping at the seams.
You didn’t deserve any of them, you didn’t deserve to be an Avenger, you didn’t deserve to be here.
You were kneeling on the damp ground just at the base of where the trees surrounded the compound, past Sam you could see Tony pacing on the phone, surely talking to Ross about you and why the call was dragging past a minute.
And you knew, knew what had to be done.
Your bottom lip trembled “I love you James, so much” before you clicked the end button on the phone.
You sighed wiping away your tears, when Sam saw you pull the phone away from your ear he rushed over to help you up “How do you feel?”
“Thanks Sam” you handed him back the phone “for everything”
He put his arm around your shoulder holding you close to him “Of course y/n, what’s family for?”
The two of you made your way back towards the compound, Tony was no longer on the phone his arms were crossed at this chest “You okay kid?”
“I’m sorry”
He pulled you in for a hug “Nonsense, i needed someone to banter with today and he was the perfect candidate, so i should be thanking you”
You offered the best smile you could, you knew Tony saw right through it but he never said anything “Well i don’t know about you the two of you but i’m starving, was thinking pizza? Bump movie night up, my schedule is clear so that means everyone else’s is to”
Sam clapped his hands together “Now that’s the best idea i’ve ever heard come out of your mouth Stark”
A small laugh left your lips, you were gonna miss this.
“I’m gonna let that slide bird brain only because it made my favourite Avenger laugh”
“I’m gonna go to my room and freshen up okay?” you gestured to the dirt on you pants
“Yeah of course y/n/n, I got Friday on the pizza order, you think of a movie you wanna watch, Wilson will get the rest of the team and say we’ll see each other in an hour?”
You hugged Sam and Tony one last time “Sounds good boys, thank you for everything”
As you started to walk away you heard Tony tell “Uh were men?” and Sam laughed shouting “Don’t mention it”
By the time you got to your room, your mind was 99% made up.
The 1% you kept lingering on was Bucky. Would he miss you? Because you would miss him with everything in you. But you staying was going to hurt him more than you leaving. It was for the best, this was all for the best.
You sat down at your desk grabbing a pen and paper you started writing, the words flowed out like you were aching to say them for a long time, like somewhere inside of you had already thought and planned this out ages ago, but only now was it finally being executed.
This was where your story was meant to end, you were sure of it. You served your purpose, paid all your dues, it was your turn for peace and this was the only way you could think of finding it, if there was any.
You lined all 6 letters across the surface, smiling to yourself when they were spread perfectly, your eyes lingered on Bucky’s name and you picked it up, placing a kiss on his name, hugging it to your chest “I’m sorry” you said to no one but to everyone all at the same time.
Clicking the bathroom door shut, you turned the shower on, stepping in full clothed. You let out a shaky breath, a smile found its place on your face as your vision clouded, you were gonna see Natasha again.
You let the warm water soothe your skin, soaking in every droplet as you reached for the safety razor.
Giving up - Pt.5 | b.barnes
Word Count: 1.5k
Warnings: depression, talks of suic!de
A/N: Not edited or proof read, next couple chapters gonna be pretty angsty, I promise one of the next parts will finally have the reader/bucky content.
Masterlist
After you were sure everyone was settled and no one would get in your way on the way to your room you finally left the jet. You felt like a ghost, your clothes smelt like a wet towel, your hair was frizzy and waving, only two things went well for you today: the overall mission of whatever those things were although you were sure they would be back, and that everyone on the team was safe.
You were trying your best to not focus on what you didn’t do, what you failed to do but what you could still do. You could run away and make sure you were never found, you could pretend you were okay and the whole thing was a misunderstanding, you could spill your guts to everyone but you weren’t sure which was the best option, you were praying they would be fourth.
When you finally made it to your room you couldn’t help but stop and stare at Bucky’s door just for a second, your hand lingering on yours a little part of you hoping he would sense you there and would open the door. The events of what happened mere weeks or was it months ago, replaying in your mind. You shuttered at the thought of it all, you slammed your door shut and instructed Friday to not let anyone in under any circumstances. You had tons of things you should be thinking about but your mind could only think of one thing, one person and that was Bucky.
You didn’t know what to make of the situation with Bucky. You could admit the timing of everything was absolutely horrible and you were absolutely not thinking straight when you did what you did. You were blinded by the darkness that was in you, the rage that’s in you, the guilt of every drop of blood that was on your hands and maybe this was your punishment for everything you had done wrong in life which was a lot. You didn’t even think of how it might affect certain people and by certain people you only meant two people, your ‘sister’ and Bucky.
Bucky would think it was his fault and of course it wouldn’t be it’s not like he pushed you over the edgeliterally, he actually jumped down with you, which made things even more confusing. No, he was just a factor to the whole equation, a huge factor but it was again your fault you relied on him too much for your own happiness it was greedy, right? Of course it was and that was the first mistake you made in the disaster of finally having your own life back after the Red Room. You didn’t even want to think of the three words you always dreamed of coming out of this mouth and when they finally did you thought you would feel more, you thought you would be overjoyed but you didn’t. Did you even want to be loved?
And god, your sister, you had loved her unconditionally and surely you could have told her how you were feeling but she would either call you a baby, tell you everyone has their own shit or she would cuddle you, you weren’t sure which option you wanted so you just never said anything. When you wanted, no needed someone the night you confessed your love to Bucky only to have the door slammed in your face you wanted to go to her but she would just simply tell you love was for children and you knew of her pass with Buc – the winter soldier. But when Sam said what he said about the noises he heard coming from Bucky’s room that night you could only assume the only person he would have in his room at that hour doing thatwas her because of their history and you couldn’t be mad at her you knew you couldn’t she didn’t know, no one knew to them it was just playful flirting between Bucky and you. But it didn’t mean it hurt, Natasha was your sister after all, the betrayal you felt was still there even if her knowledge of the love you had for Bucky wasn’t.
“I knew she was sad, i just didn’t know she was that sad” Wanda breathed out, after listening to what Sam had to say.
“Aren’t we all though? We all have baggage but nobody jumps off cliffs because of it” Natasha mumbled, picking at her nails.
All eyes snapped to her, Sam was quick to rebuttal “That’s a little harsh don’t you think?”
“Maybe a little but that wasn’t the point i was trying to make” She sighed leaning forward.
You came around the corner “Then what was it?“ You cocked your head to the side.
When no one said anything you laughed, it wasn’t a humorous laugh, it was dry and filled with pain “Weird my ears were bleeding like someone was talking about me, had to find out for myself” you grabbed a drink from the bar pouring yourself a glass of whisky, taking a sip “Oh please do continue, just pretend i’m not here” you winked.
“Y/n…” Sam took a cautious step forward eyeing his teammates.
You slammed the glass down “Really? No one has anything to say?” You started to pace “So you all freely can talk about me and the situation you know nothing about behind my back but when I am here” You gestured to the room, to everyone “Standing in front of you, no one cares? No one has anything to say?” You were almost yelling, your voice was raised suely echoing through the compound.
You weren’t going to lie to yourself. It felt good to yell, to finally express the emotions you were stacking on top of one another and pushing down for so long. But the longer the silence dragged on for, the longer you stared at the people that were supposed to be your family, the one you didn’t feel a part of anymore. You couldn’t help but think of all the times you were there, shoulders to cry on, the ears they wanted to, all the times you made sure they were truly okay, hoping that they would see that you weren’t okay, that you were just falling deeper and deeper into a hole.
“I am standing right here” Your voice no longer warranting the force it had just moments ago, but instead it was cracking at the seams “I am right here” your chest was rising and falling rapidly “I was hurting” a sharp inhale “i am hurting and i’ve always been here” a shaky exhale “I’ve always been here for all of you. I’m here now and you’re all here but no one is ever really there”
Natasha was the one that took a step forward, she just stared at you, the fire in her eyes burning into yours. Nat and you were close, she was your sister, the two of you a product of the same environment, you both lost each other along the way but when she escaped you were punished for her doing so, and was handed over to Hydra to be used as lab rat or a punching bag i depended on the day, while she was joining SHIELD. Her only request and requirement for joining the avengers was they had to find you and after ultron they did, you were finally home she said but nothing ever felt like home till Bucky.
Her voice firm and unwavering, ready for a challenge, her fist clenched “You were being selfish”
You were stunned, you flinched at her words, shock taking over your body soon followed by pure rage “I was, I was what? I was hurting! I am hurting”
“We’re all hurting!” She screamed a slight crack in her voice “But you don’t see us doing what you tried to do” Her finger jabbed into your shoulder pushing your back.
Tony came from behind Natasha placing a hand on her shoulder “Alright let’s calm down” She shrugged it off giving you a look you have never seen on her face, before she tried to stomped out of the room but your feet pulled you forward, heart racing “No, you don’t get to say that and leave!”
“Were done here” she whipped around “Im done”
You blinked, you could feel burning rage creeping its way up your spine “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I risked my life to save you! I risked my career to save you and this is how you repay me?” Her water line was brimming with tears, she scoffed “Your no sister of mine, my sister would never do something like that.”
You swallowed down your anger and betrayal “Your right” you smiled “Were not sisters and we haven’t been for a long time and we never will be again, Im done here” You turned to face the rest of the group “I quit”
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Element - Sneak Peek
Happy Wednesday! I won’t be posting anything for almost a week because I have family coming in so I thought id give y'all I little sneak peek since its been awhile since I update that series lol
Masterlist
“You stopped coming so i stopped showing up i checked out”
“I wasn’t ready to have someone rely on me like that, i was still healing myself”
“We started this journey together and you just left me in the dust”
“Don’t you dare put that on me!” His voice was hoarse, the vein in his neck prominent.
You dragged your hand down your face “It’s not fair! It’s not fair that I was there for you, for everything! And y-you just left me behind like i was nothing!”
hopeless- b. barnes
pairings: bucky barnes x reader, natasha romanoff, steve rogers, tony stark. oc
warnings: kidnap, torture, reader is threatened, rejection, ANGST
about:request! “where bucky nd reader have a big argument nd then she storms out in the middle of the night leading to her being kidnapped. Then the whole time she thinks bucky isn’t coming for her due to the fight”
a/n: phew this took a hot minute. my longest fic. do not like the ending, but i hope you enjoy!!bucky’s smile is wide as he observes you flit about your room, a silly twinkle in his eyes while they observe your exaggerated thinking gesture, obviously dramatic in your search for his next book to read. he leans against your wall, amused by your pulled features as they contemplate two different books: one red and well-loved and one blue and weathered.
“hmm, do you want something sad and romantic that has lines that make me doubt that i’ll ever find love,” you begin, raising the blue book higher. “or something classic and sweet and scary?” you continue, shaking the red one.
“how could you doubt you’ll find love?” bucky wonders aloud then, and you turn to your bookshelf again just to get away from the intensity of his gaze.
